I am trying to do just one entry a day but I need to write and get it out. I am feeling very triggered tonight. Turns out my earlier commentary on perfection was something I was going to need to be repeating to myself. I am feeling frustrated and upset that I am triggered by something that I thought I was over. I was in a situation that has previously been a trigger for codependent and coping behaviors relating to my husband's addiction. This is a situation that is basically unavoidable for me and comes about on a very regular basis. So what was different about tonight? Wellllll..... me. I have committed to this personal change and to this eating clean (or as clean as I can within reason) and mindfully and to following the challenges set in our challenge group. So I was as I sat surrounded by desserts and people and situations that are my triggers. I feel like I must still need to forgive them (or need to forgive them again) if they are triggering me still...but I'm actually not sure if that's right either. Sometimes a trigger is just a trigger?? As I sat trying to resist the temptation to having one or more of all the different and very delicious desserts before me, I realized that I had been using them to cope with this situation. They were my 'treat' to myself and my thing to look forward to for being there. Here I was trying to deny myself this. That's why I got so upset. I made myself a compromise and settled on a good, alternative choice. It didn't solve anything. Instead I felt a little upset at myself for not being perfectly pious about not having any dessert at all. Good thing I had my personal reminder to myself about that whole perfectionism thing I just said. :S
I ended up feeling really angry toward DH because it was late and we needed to have already been heading home and here I'd been sitting all alone, with myself placed as far as possible from the dessert- which also meant most the people, trying to deal with this whatever it was going on in my head...trying to fight off how very badly I wanted those treats. It wasn't really his fault that he left me alone. He was tending to someone else in need. But couldn't he see me in need? Shouldn't I take priority? How very selfish of me. How codependent of me to think that way instead of doing what I should have done.... taking a moment to say a silent prayer for strength and understanding in my moment of weakness. Oh, right. I did take a moment to hop on to the fb page for the challenge group and share that I was trying to distract myself from this struggle I was having. It was good that I got feedback and support right away. Still didn't solve the problem really. But sometimes admitting to that first step, to that weakness, opens the pathways to feel the rest of what it is you're trying to block. Know what I realized? I'm mad at myself. Know why? I had this idea yesterday that I was going to want desserts at this function and that I should make a healthy alternative like these brownies that I was really curious about. You're supposed to bring something yourself anyway. Guess what... I didn't. Frankly, between yesterday and today, I have no truly good excuse for not doing it aside from sheer laziness and doing other more distracting things. Why was I distracting myself from that? That's dumb. I don't know. Maybe stopping to take a moment to prepare something in advance for myself for a situation I knew I would need it in would be and admission to a need and a weaknesses that I didn't want to admit to yet. Like saying 'I have a problem with this and I am going to need help so I am going to prepare help for myself ahead of time.' As if there is something wrong with, or weak about, that sort of admission. Hmmm... yah, that's probably it.
So.... I'm not perfect. I feel better now though. I'm tired and hot. The A/C is out at our house. I'm grateful it's stormy today and tomorrow at least so it won't be as hot as it will later in the week. Hopefully it is fixed by then. I do know that those are triggers too so maybe I'd better go to bed extra early tonight. Just, you know, to be prepared.