Saturday, May 18, 2013

not perfect at all

Today. Well. I didn't want to post about today. Which told me I probably should. Which led me to remember that quote about how when it is hardest to pray is when you need to pray hardest. Something like that. 

The boys at my house were all at a campout last night. Being that I have 3 boys and 1 girl, that is no small thing. She had been counting down the days and had determined we would shop while they were gone. Well, I inadvertently slept in (which was glorious) and when I woke up this morning she was fully dressed to her shoes and ready to go. I gave her several choices and she chose the swap meet. Since it is outdoors and since it is Vegas, that meant we needed to go pronto. No workout first thing in the am for me. I had a quick breakfast of granola (should've had my shake but wanted to save it for after my workout). A tiny whisper of a voice told me I should but I ignored it because I surely knew better. 

We ended up being gone the bulk of the day, my legs are still tired from all the walking we did. We had a rather late lunch of cafe rio salad and then by the time we got home the boys were home. It was our family's turn to clean our church with a few other families so I was home not even 30 minutes before we left to do that. 

It was after 5 when we finally left the church building. I had my ultrasounds scheduled at 6 and one was the super fun kind where you get to drink 48oz of water an hr before the test but don't you dare go to the bathroom. Lemme tell you.... Super fun when you've had 4 kids. SO glad I didn't have a pregnant belly to add to that too! 

So I went to this appointment (scheduled on a Sat because they said I had to since the dr order was marked 'at risk') feeling pretty tired and worn down from the day. I got anxious walking in but quickly pushed that aside and distracted myself while waiting with Pinterest on my phone.  I get my ultrasounds and it's all really rather uncomfortable- in fact it is downright painful at one point. I wish the tech would turn the screen so I can see but I don't speak up. I don't ask the questions I want to because I'm afraid they either won't tell me or they will and I won't like the answer. So what do I do? I sneak a peek at the thumbnail captured images when they leave me in the room to change afterward. What I see frightens me. Sure does look a lot like my son's abnormal kidney. Only I know it isn't a kidney. 'I shouldn't jump to conclusions' I tell myself. 'I am not a doctor' I remind myself.  'The fact that it was so painful doesn't have to mean anything' I reassure myself.  In any case, my husband is texting me about date night and that he finally got a babysitter so I should meet him at the movie theater. I grab a protein box from the Starbucks in the same parking lot as the medical place because I haven't had dinner and he has. I don't have time to think about this anymore.... I have places to be and things to do. So now I'm going to go distract myself with a movie. 

So this is where it went down I think. I tried to slip a hint of how I was feeling to DH by saying when I saw him "I snuck a look and it looked like K's kidney." No real reaction. And anyway, a movie theater isn't really the place for that kind of conversation. Know what I did instead? I got an ice cream Snickers bar from the concession stand. All ridiculously overpriced $3.50 of it. I had time to think about it. I told DH I wanted it and he said "Am I supposed to talk you out of it or support you by saying ok because I don't know what I'm supposed to do."  So I just got it. I really wanted it. They always make me feel better. And I just didn't want to think about it, or anything, anymore. I'm not going to lie, it was really good. I also had (non-buttered) popcorn but it wasn't as good.

It wasn't until driving home that I finally decompressed and started actually thinking. I could've hopped on fb to my accountability group and reached out that I was having a hard time and feeling tempted. I didn't want to and I didn't. What made this time different? I had the thought while driving. Just as we need to pray hardest when it is hardest, so it is with reaching out. I didn't want to reach out because that would require some sort of explanation why. Not really, but it's that way in my head at least. That meant I needed to face with and feel my feelings. I don't want to do that tonight. I don't want to say that it hurt or that I'm afraid or that I'm sad that I don't have my mom to talk to about womanly things. I don't want to admit that I worry about the worst because I've had such toxic people in my life for so long who have been very critical of me and my health (healthy or not) and my tendency to prepare for the worst just in case. It's just that the worst becomes such a real possibility when your mom dies suddenly from a health condition she didn't know about when you were only 17, and she only 38. I thought as I drove that I should've said a prayer and told my Heavenly Father how I was feeling. Even just a silent one. Just to 'get it out' so I wouldn't feel so tempted to stuff it. Having that thought, of what I should do and that it was okay to feel those things and tell Him as much, while driving felt like my own little bit of grace. I'm still sad. I'm still scared. I'm still nervous. But I'm trying, I'm really really trying, to be ok with that and to ALLOW myself to feel that fully. To be okay with allowing myself that. If it all turns out nothing then I don't need to feel stupid or embarrassed for putting this out there and feeling those things. Right? I mean, it's okay that this is my reality and I shouldn't be worrying about those toxic voices of "you're being a hypochondriac" or "I'm sure it's not a big deal" or "there's no point in worrying" because hearing those voices really probably is just messing me up more. Those people with those voices are mostly out of my life now. So why do I still let them talk to me as though they matter?  Why do I struggle so much to let them go when the further I get in my recovery the more clear their damage becomes?  Maybe it's that they are the ones who were always there for me. Or at least who I thought were. So the thought of something happening that would leave me 'needing' them leaves me anxious that I will just be all alone? Except DH. There is always him. He has never been toxic, even in his addiction. I know I've always got him. Oh, and there's that other guy. The one I should have talked to first. 

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