Monday, December 28, 2009
sytycd
I love So You Think You Can Dance. I tried out the workout DVD today. Just want to say, it's easy to see why Travis Wahl is such a hit. He has an excellent way of teaching and leading a routine. Love him. The workout was pretty good. It was a lot of repetition but it was enjoyable.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
a week of rain.
As the saying goes: “When it rains it pours.” Well, I guess we hit our overdue monsoon this week. Here’s what it looked like:
Monday: All is well. It’s beautiful out. I started having some pains on Sunday and Monday they got a little more frequent but I still was able to brush them off and say ‘all is well.’
Tuesday: I can’t walk. I call my OB and tell them I’m pretty sure my IUD (that I have had nearly a year now) is coming out and I am in a lot of pain. Miraculously, they are able to get me in right away. Thankfully my mother-in-law is able to watch the boys and my friend once again picks up P from school.
At the OB I leave a sample for ‘just in case’ because the nurse doesn’t believe me that it could possibly be the IUD. Even Dr. Volker is suspicious because that just doesn’t happen after having it that long. It’s pretty rare anyway. Nope, I was right. In his words, “looks like your body is definitely trying to expel the IUD.” So after a glare and some words about how you’re talking to the girl who got pregnant on birth control and now you’re telling me my body doesn’t like the IUD? the doctor reassures me that just because it happens once doesn’t mean it will happen again and that it would really only do it if there were a cause. So he tells me we will give my body a month to heal and then run some tests to look for fibroids or polyps or whatever must be growing to push it out. He sends me home with birth control but I decided there was only one safe way: abstinence.
That night my sister-in-law, who I love dearly, has her baby and all is well and we are happy.
Wednesday: I had previously scheduled an appointment with my regular physician for a check-up due to unexplained weight gain and low thyroid symptoms. Also, my tailbone (which I dislocated giving birth to W) has really been bothering me lately and I’m hoping to finally get it fixed. While I’m there I figure I might as well get the FluMist, because I thought getting the flu vaccine would be a good idea this year and I just wasn’t in the mood for a shot. I got flu-like symptoms by the time I drove home and found myself feeling like crap and dealing with what I thought were after-effects of having the IUD removed. I learn too that my sister-in-law named her baby Emma. I love this name. So much so that I had always planned to name a little girl of mine Emma Mae. When P came along it just felt right to name her after my mom, not Emma. When K2 came along I was positive he was my Emma. Shock didn’t cut it when I learned he was a boy. We said we were done having kids but didn’t do anything too permanent, obviously. We always thought we might end up adopting down the road- thus ensuring having a girl and naming her Emma Mae. So I found myself needing to deal with a finality I hadn’t quite dealt with yet. Not that I fault my sister-in-law in the very least. She could name her kid whatever she wanted, especially since we said we were done. So I dealt with the acknowledgment and finality that I would never have my Emma Mae here on earth and that we probably really were done. I spend a lot of the day in bed because I am, yet again, feeling crappy and tired and nauseous and just planning to shut out the world.
That morning W also had a visit to the dermatologist for a mole that had changed significantly. I was happy to hear he thought it not likely to be anything. He removed a portion of it though, to be safe.
Thursday: I get up and feel better. I’ve been up for a little while when I get sudden severe cramping and nausea. When I go to the bathroom (sorry for the tmi!) I don’t want to acknowledge the thought that pops into my mind (and I’ll spare you the rest of the details here). “That was my Emma Mae. I can’t have her here on earth but now I know I have her in heaven.” I put it out of my mind quickly, telling myself it’s crazy talk and that even if it isn’t then I’m just not going to deal with it. But I do start to wonder just how much bleeding and cramping is normal when and IUD comes out. I’m trying to look this up when the OB’s office calls. “We need you to come in for bloodwork and an ultrasound right away. It looks like the doctor suspects a pregnancy.”
The short of the story from there is that the ultrasound revealed no fibroids, no polyps, no anything. What I had tried to ignore that morning was the last of my unexpected, 2 month pregnancy that must’ve grown and pushed the iud out. The rest is just too personal, but if you think it- then I probably thought it. I do still have to go in tommorow for follow-up bloodwork to rule out any other issues. It does explain a lot of what I’d been feeling and experiencing over the last couple of months.
We also learned on Thursday that P’s best friend had been in the hospital since the previous afternoon with pneumonia. We were able to go hang out for several hours to keep her happy and occupied. I appreciated being able to hang out with my friend (who knew everything that was going on) and be able to put my mind on something else. By that night I was exhausted though in so many ways.
Friday: I was still feeling lousy and exhausted in the morning so DH was thankfully able to stay home part of the morning and take care of some doctor’s appointments for the kids. That afternoon I decided I’d had enough crying, moping, feeling lousy and it was time to move on and get out or I’d never feel better. So I finally got ready for the day and decided that if DH hadn’t arranged a date then I’d go out with some girlfriends. I’m doing okay and cleaning up the kitchen and getting ready to bake DH his favorite cookies as a way to make amends for all he’s had to do all week. W and P are playing next door, K is eating a snack, and K2 has just gotten up from his nap. He’s gone to go upstairs to play when I hear a tumble. I go racing from the kitchen to catch him just before he hits the last step & hardwood floor (and I’m certain he would’ve broken his arm the way it was sticking out).
Things, unfortunately, did not end so well for me. I don’t remember precisely what happened aside from slipping the opposite direction and the sound of a hard smack. I don’t remember actually catching K2, only that I know I did and must’ve set him down immediately. Our bottom step comes out in a sort of trapezoid shape. I recall smacking my face/jaw/neck area on that corner. I know I smacked my head on the floor as well (and now I realize I must’ve smacked my right side on the step as well). Next thing I know I’m face down and spitting out pieces of tooth and blood. I know K2 must be fine because he’s walking around and not crying. I try to get up but see stars and am just so dizzy. Thank goodness I have my phone in my pocket and am able to call DH to tell him, between spits of blood, to hurry home & that I fell. When the dizziness subsided enough, I got to the bathroom and called my neighbor to come get K and K2. She got me on the couch with ice and put W in charge of making sure I didn’t fall asleep. My neighbor kept the kids and fed them dinner until she had to go to a soccer game. My friend brought me a smoothie because I hadn’t had any dinner yet and couldn’t open my mouth. It wasn’t until the kids had gone to bed that I decided to go to the ER to be safe. My friend took me until the neighbors got home and then one of them came and slept on our couch so DH could come hang out with me.
I learned that somewhere in the recent years I developed an anxiety for CT scans and MRIs. They used to not phase me, I’ve had so many. But I guess it’s just been since my mom’s death I’m paranoid that one is going to show something. I was none too thrilled about needing a CT. But all was well. I was sent home with Ibuprofen 800 (I turned down the Lortab- that stuff’s just nasty) and a diagnosis of a neck sprain and concussion and the knowledge that I’d have to see a dentist on Monday for my mouth stuff. They warn me that I’m going to feel worse in the coming days and feel like I’ve been in a car accident.
Saturday: I take my meds and ice my face/neck as told. I’m so tired of being in bed by this point though that I decide I need to get out- concussion or not. So I go to Red Apple Days with the family. I take it easy though because it’s quickly apparent that I really do have a concussion as moving makes me nauseous. Getting kinda tired of the nausea here. I go to the funnest baby shower I’ve ever been to, and it’s nice to be out, but I can tell it’s quickly wearing on me. My tongue is raw from my broken tooth (bottom front) scraping the bottom of it. My brilliant friend Janet talks to her husband, who is an orthodontist, and he says he may be able to give me some relief and will see me in his office later. I’m happy that between the two events I’ve found at least some food I can eat- chili and some chicken salad that had very finely shredded chicken in it. See, I can’t use my front teeth at all, nor half my jaw because it won’t open or close all the way.
I was exhausted and slept like a baby for the next 3 or 4 hours until our babysitter got there for our date and visit to the orthodontist's office. Our plan was to get my tooth fixed, eat soup at Marie Callenders, then go to the drive-ins so I could lay in the Luv-Sac to watch a movie. The orthodontist was fantastic. He rounded off my tooth so that it’ll quit scraping my tongue in the meantime. He said I should probably wait a couple weeks before trying to get it fixed since the one next to it is hypersensitive right now (it hurts me all the time). My jaw is definitely still swollen and tramautized- and probably will be for a week, maybe two. It was quite apparent to him that I also chewed up my tongue and cheek as well. The tooth that broke seems to have nerve damage- in fact, the nerve may be dead all together…which means a possible root canal in my future. I laughed at him and told him he was talking to a girl who just barely had her first cavity. He told me I needed to rest my jaw as much as possible, stick to a soft diet, and gave me a mouthguard to wear at night to keep me from clenching my teeth and further inflaming things. I tried wearing it last night but it hurt having it touch all my teeth that were sensitive so I’m not sure what I’m going to do about that one.
I’m pretty tired by the end of dinner but want to go to the movie anyway. Fame was a bit of a let-down and I fell asleep just before the end of it. But it was a beautiful night and I was mighty comfortable in that Luv-Sac shoved in the back of DH’s truck.
Today: It’s pretty obvious I overdid things yesterday. I’m so tired. But I’m also so tired of being tired and of being in bed. And yet, when I’m up I am reminded of just how much I hate concussions and how much they can mess you up. After all, I’ve had 3 or 4 in my lifetime. It’s quite obvious I have a sinus infection now too. I could feel it coming on over the last few days. It is in full swing today, complete with 100 degree fever. At least tommorow is Monday and it means getting antibiotics from the doctor.
I can move my jaw a little bit more but other parts of me are more sore and stiff. Turning my head makes me want to throw up so driving is out. My shoulder is sore so I haven’t even tried lifting K2 (not that DH has even let me hold him).
Emotionally, I think I’m still sort of a mess. A part of me says “Well, this is life. What happened happened. It’s fine. I’ll be fine. It could be worse.” And it certainly could and thank goodness it’s not! Part of me is done with being sad and is ready to move on. Part of me though just feels so physically miserable that it’s making me still emotionally miserable. That part wants my mommy. I want her to hold me and tell me nice things and make me laugh and do whatever she’d do so perfectly to make everything all better. But, see, I can’t dwell on that too much or I’ll start being too sad and then I’ll cry…and have you ever tried crying when you have a concussion and a sinus infection? It’s just a recipe for a head explosion.
So that was our week of rain. I think I’m going to take a nap now. And then maybe I’ll find a movie to watch that has rainbows in it or something.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
warning: possible tmi.
So here's what's been going on the past few days.
I've had an IUD for almost a year now because DH and I decided we were done having kids but not ready to do anything permanent.
About 2 1/2-3 weeks ago I started my normal cycle. It's been really light the last few months like you'd expect after having an IUD as long as I have. This time, not so much. It started off normal. Then it suddenly got like a regular period. Then way heavy. Then gone. But only for a day. Then it comes back like crazy. Much like you'd expect when the IUD is first put in- only with lots of clotting- like you'd expect when it's taken out. The other weird thing is that I've had a lot of nausea and cramping (like bad PMS) like I haven't had in a long time.
So Sunday I start getting this pinching pain but it's only on ocassion. Same with Monday. A little more frequent. By Tuesday morning I can't walk and all I can think is that it feels like my IUD has come out partially and is poking me. So I call my OB and he is thankfully able to get me in right away. Seriously, this is like a miracle because he is the Chief of Staff at one of the hospitals here and is a very busy man.
He thinks I'm crazy when I tell him what I suspect because that is extremely rare and really only happens in the first couple months after insertion. Whaddya know... I was dead on. His exact words "It looks like your body is definitely trying to expel the IUD for some reason. It's half in and half out. I'm so glad you got in here or it might've come out and I'd be seeing you in another few months with an unexpected pregnancy." I agreed and gave him a glare and expressed my extreme displeasure at the situation and asked why on earth it would just suddenly try coming out. He said that sometimes a growth will develop, like fibroids or polyps, and as it enlarges it will push it out. So he says we need to give it a month to heal then do an ultrasound to check.
That night my sister-in-law gives birth to a baby girl and names her Emma, what I have always wanted to name a girl...The name I had haunting me when I realized it was time to get pregnant again...the name I planned to name Kyle when I was certain he was a girl. This isn't important because we're done but it just adds to things y'know.
This morning I'm a little weirded out because I'm bleeding just so much and I'm thinking 'this is as bad or worse than after a baby.' But I have had an IUD for a while and it does build up and everything I look up indicates it's normal for after an IUD is removed.
So now I get a phone call from my OB's office. They want me in for an ultrasound right away. And STAT bloodwork. Why? I just had an IUD out. I'm supposed to do that in a month. The nurse's answer: "It looks like the doctor suspects a pregnancy. We need you in right away."
The other kicker? Lets just say it's been a dry spell.
I've had an IUD for almost a year now because DH and I decided we were done having kids but not ready to do anything permanent.
About 2 1/2-3 weeks ago I started my normal cycle. It's been really light the last few months like you'd expect after having an IUD as long as I have. This time, not so much. It started off normal. Then it suddenly got like a regular period. Then way heavy. Then gone. But only for a day. Then it comes back like crazy. Much like you'd expect when the IUD is first put in- only with lots of clotting- like you'd expect when it's taken out. The other weird thing is that I've had a lot of nausea and cramping (like bad PMS) like I haven't had in a long time.
So Sunday I start getting this pinching pain but it's only on ocassion. Same with Monday. A little more frequent. By Tuesday morning I can't walk and all I can think is that it feels like my IUD has come out partially and is poking me. So I call my OB and he is thankfully able to get me in right away. Seriously, this is like a miracle because he is the Chief of Staff at one of the hospitals here and is a very busy man.
He thinks I'm crazy when I tell him what I suspect because that is extremely rare and really only happens in the first couple months after insertion. Whaddya know... I was dead on. His exact words "It looks like your body is definitely trying to expel the IUD for some reason. It's half in and half out. I'm so glad you got in here or it might've come out and I'd be seeing you in another few months with an unexpected pregnancy." I agreed and gave him a glare and expressed my extreme displeasure at the situation and asked why on earth it would just suddenly try coming out. He said that sometimes a growth will develop, like fibroids or polyps, and as it enlarges it will push it out. So he says we need to give it a month to heal then do an ultrasound to check.
That night my sister-in-law gives birth to a baby girl and names her Emma, what I have always wanted to name a girl...The name I had haunting me when I realized it was time to get pregnant again...the name I planned to name Kyle when I was certain he was a girl. This isn't important because we're done but it just adds to things y'know.
This morning I'm a little weirded out because I'm bleeding just so much and I'm thinking 'this is as bad or worse than after a baby.' But I have had an IUD for a while and it does build up and everything I look up indicates it's normal for after an IUD is removed.
So now I get a phone call from my OB's office. They want me in for an ultrasound right away. And STAT bloodwork. Why? I just had an IUD out. I'm supposed to do that in a month. The nurse's answer: "It looks like the doctor suspects a pregnancy. We need you in right away."
The other kicker? Lets just say it's been a dry spell.
Friday, July 17, 2009
bucket list.
(to be updated as needed)
Visit EnglandIce skate at Rockefeller Center- Go on a zipline somewhere that scares the crap outta me
- Visit Mt. Rainier
- Visit Whistler, Canada
- Visit Africa
- Spend an entire day lounging in a pool
Lose 50 lbs- Lose 50 lbs AGAIN and don't get pregnant after this time so it stays off
Participate in a triathalonHave a room to designate as my own personal libraryHave a backyard full of flowers- Go to Ireland with DH
- Take my family to upstate New York
- Drive across the country as an adult
- Go back to Nags Head, NC
See Les MisSee Phantom- Have monthly spa treatments
- Watch the Sydney New Year's fireworks from Sydney
- Visit Australia
Visit Europe- Spend a day at the Louvre
Visit the Met Museum of Art- Visit Frank Lloyd Wright's house in PA (the waterfall one)
Eat sinfully decadent chocolate- Hike Havasupai
- Hike the Subway hike with my dad
- Go to cooking school, or at least take cooking classes
- Go to cosmetology school for pretty much every field but nails
- Raise healthy, responsible, and independent children with strong testimonies
- Go to the Saint George Temple with DH (updated: have finally visited, but DH wasn't with me)
Visit Zion- Visit Zion for more than an hour
- Visit a tropical island
- Visit Southeast Asia
- Have a star named after me
- Have a fully stocked and loaded gourmet kitchen that I feel free to do whatever I want in
- Get my teeth whitened
- Get Lasix
- Go to Egypt and see the pyramids with my own two eyes
- Be a National Geographic photographer
- Hike in a rainforest
Write a book- Sew an entire outfiit
Find my mom's almond french toast recipe- Practice yoga religiously
- Make digital copies of all our photographs and home videos
- Watch the 4th of July fireworks show at Hills Park from INSIDE the amphitheater
Have a season pass to Disneyland- Own a beach house
- Visit all of the National Parks
- Visit Oregon
- Ride a trolley car in San Fransisco
- See the giant Redwoods
- Have a house that stays clean
- See Josh Groban in concert
See No Doubt in concertHave my own art roomGo to Disneyworld- Stay in a treehouse or a yurt
- Stay at one of those weeklong spa retreats like Red Mountain Spa
- Take DH to Glenwood, CO- to the hot springs
Take DH to NYC and to Dixie and Grandma Leake'sSee an original work of art by a Master artist- Make a piece of furniture
- Go hanggliding or parasailing even if it frightens me
- Be on The Amazing Race with DH
- See a rainbow over a waterfall- particulalry Victoria Falls
See a Cirque du Soleil showMeet a Blue ManGo to a taping of EllenWin a big prizeGo from my house to Mt. Charleston through the desert just to see how close it actually is- Go to Hawaii
- Spend a week in Hawaii and hike to at least one hidden waterfall there
- Play Eponine in a production of Les Mis
- Run in Ragnar with DH
- Compete in IronGirl
- Get a black belt
Thursday, May 21, 2009
sahm.
I am so thankful that I get to be a stay-at-home mom. Otherwise I would miss opportunities like today's bake sale. I have just really enjoyed my time as a mom lately. I feel like I am starting to finally get a groove with our daily lives and with getting the house in shape, dinner on the table, etc. I am spending more time playing with the kids and more time in my sanity room (doing art or sewing) and more time reading books I want to read. The house may not still be really clean all the time but I do think that it has been more consistently better. I am thankful for this.
Really I am so thankful that I get to be a stay-at-home mom and see my children develop. I have spent so much time just enjoying each of their different personalities. I love watching them interact. I love watching them learn new things and figure things out for themselves. I love picking up W from school and having him tell me all about everything he has learned. This week it is India- which is so fun and hilarious to hear him tell me about Ghandi and elephants for horses and more. I love watching K2 adore his older siblings and try to copy their every move. I love to watch K and K2 wrestle. I love to listen to P and her make-believe play. I love to sit and read with K and cuddle. I love to just hang out and talk with my kids. W wanted to have a bake sale today so we did. We forgot about the house needing to be cleaned or the laundry needing to be finished. I already had dinner cooking. So we whipped up a few cookies and spent the rest of the afternoon/evening having a bake sale and hanging out outside. The opportunities I would miss if I didn't get to stay home with my kids!
Sometimes it is hard to be a stay-at-home mom (or any kind of mom for that matter!). Staying home requires making sacrifices (not to mention making it a priority). It means not getting to live the same kind of lives as some of my friends and sometimes being envious of that. It means maybe not getting the recognition or appreciation for all you do. It means perhaps going all day not talking to an adult or being ready to pull your hair out by day's end. But it is so worth it and I am so grateful that I get to and for all the additional blessings it brings. I could not have imagined the added bonuses and additional joy it would bring in all those little moments and little things that I get to be a part of by staying home and being there with the kids.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
date night for your health.
One of the things I am asked most is "how do you do it?" This is of course referring to the having 4 kids in 5 years and being still standing. But I always have the same basic responses. First of all, I just do. Secondly, my house is not clean. And lastly and most importantly, I have regular date nights with my husband and time to myself. Seriously, it is my sanity-saver and I cannot see how anyone survives without it.
When my husband and I were getting married we were interviewed by our then Stake President, Ed J. Pinegar. What a wise and wonderful man! He gave us very sound counsel for our marriage and told us to always have weekly dates and to go away overnight without any children once every 3 months. He told us that so long as we did that then we would be fine.
DH and I both grew up with parents who went on Friday night dates every week. It was the standard. It was expected. So we never really saw us doing anything any differently. What I think we didn't account for was how hard it can be to find a sitter, especially when you have a little one, or how much Satan tempts you to just let it slide. I understand anxiety about leaving a little baby with a sitter. I understand children who are attached to you or have special needs. However, I don't see these as excuses. If anything, I see them as reasons you should be more inclined to follow this advice because you need the break! I also understand not having money for dates (or so you think). I even understand difficult schedules...but nobody said you can only go out at night or on a Friday (for a while we did every Wednesday because that was DH's day off from his second job).
What I have learned in the 7 years we have been married is that what you make a priority is what you make happen. When we have set that Friday date night as a priority then it happens. Yes, there have been the occasional weekend where it just didn't happen, despite all our best efforts. Or there are the times when someone is sick and unable to be left. But you make it happen even if you have to be very creative about it.
Trouble finding a sitter? Think outside the box! Look to friends who don't have children but would like to spend time with them. Or friends who do have children and wouldn't mind getting away from them! Especially if you are willing to go out later, after kids are in bed, then that may be an option. I know I would be one to jump at the opportunity to sit in a quiet house that I don't have to think about cleaning and just read while a friend got to get out of the house and have some alone time with her husband. Swap sitting with a friend of neighbor. We have been blessed to have a neighbor who suggested this. It is easiest when you have someone with a similar number of kids or at least ones the same age. Set a time frame (we try to stick to around 6-10pm) and a day (we do Fridays and they do Saturdays or we'll swap weeks if it doesn't work). The kids have a great time playing together and you don't have to pay a sitter. We usually play and hang out until 8 or 8:30. At that time they put on their jammies and lie down on the floor for a movie- where they usually fall asleep and can just be carried back home to their beds when their parents get home. However, we have even had the kids at our house but then I have taken them to theirs to put them to bed and sat in their quite house until their parents returned. Another option is family members. This is usually a last resort for me because I know how busy they are and they don't usually let me pay them. However, DH has several younger cousins and we are blessed that some of them are willing to be our backup babysitters. Which is the last thing- find a regular sitter. When you go on a regular date then it is easier to plan and prepare for it. When you get a sitter that you like then it is easier to just have that person plan for watching your kids each and every Friday night unless you tell them otherwise. If you don't know who to ask then if you are LDS just ask your youth leaders to put together a list of willing babysitters in your ward. The youth can volunteer and even specify if they are unwilling to watch in certain circumstances (i.e. not comfortable with newborns). I have even had an instance where we had a youth in our ward who babysat regularly but whose mother would regularly watch our newborn. For her it was a chance to sit and enjoy some peace. K was the baby and needed special care and attention. She could get it and it made her happier to give him it. So we would drop of K at her house when picking up her kid to babysit W and P. When people tell me that they never go out because they can never find a sitter then I just don't always believe it. You need to be creative. You may even need to go out of your comfort zone by asking someone you wouldn't normally. I have recently asked a friend's younger sister who is single as well as a couple of friends whose husbands work nights (one of which has kids and one who just has a baby). Trying out a new sitter is hard and unnerving, especially with little ones who may need more specific care. But it can be quite rewarding...especially if you would not have gotten to go out otherwise.
The other thing I hear is that you don't have the money to go on a date. There's two parts to this- paying for the date and paying for the sitter. First of all, if you're concerned about paying a sitter then you need an adult or family member. If you can't swap sitting then find some other service you can swap. Or just don't go out as long. Going on an hour long date to grab some ice cream is still going on a date. There are so many ways to keep it cheap. Go to the gym together. Go on a walk or hike. Have a picnic at the park. Check out the bookstore or library. Visit friends. Have game or movie nights with them. Just because you're not in high school or college anymore doesn't mean you can't hang out at your friend's house with your date. Especially in the summertime in Vegas there are a lot of free films and outdoor concerts to take advantage of around town. If you are LDS and concerned about cost, then go to the temple every single week. You will be astounded at the blessings you will receive and the closeness you will feel with your spouse.
Some women complain to me that they never go on a date or have never left their children (who are sometimes older than mine). I just can't fathom this! I love my children. I love them dearly. But I love them more because I get breaks from them. My marriage comes first and because I feel fulfilled in my marriage and as an individual person, I am able to be a better mother. These women say "You're so lucky that you go on dates every week." Luck has nothing to do with it. It is simply a matter of saying it is going to happen, making it a priority, and working hard to make it happen. The payoff is always worth it.
I like this quote from Elder Joe Christensen of the Presidency of the Seventy:
If there are men out there reading this who don't really think a date is a big deal to your wife...I promise you, it is. I have told my husband that come Friday night I am going out. I would love for him to join me. By arranging a sitter and planning a date, he shows me that he wants to be with me. I know he wants to be with me but I like the show of effort to make it happen. I have been home with the children all week. It is my place of employment as a stay-at-home mom. I don't really get to be 'done' with work at the end of the week. However, I get to be done with it for an hour or two when I go out on a date with my husband. I get to be a teenager again and date and hold hands and talk about things other than children and their latest antics etc. I get to be a grown-up and have intelligent conversation. I get to get dressed up for something. It is good for my self-esteem and it is good for my husband to see me dressed up too. It is good for us to go places together, as a couple, and show the world that that is what we are.
I will tell you that the times that have been rockier in our marriage have been the times where we have discovered that we have slacked in our date nights. You might not go on dates and might have a good marriage. But what you might not realize is just how much better it will be when you do. And if you are struggling or things just have been a little 'off', then make a date a priority this week and see what it can do for you!
When my husband and I were getting married we were interviewed by our then Stake President, Ed J. Pinegar. What a wise and wonderful man! He gave us very sound counsel for our marriage and told us to always have weekly dates and to go away overnight without any children once every 3 months. He told us that so long as we did that then we would be fine.
DH and I both grew up with parents who went on Friday night dates every week. It was the standard. It was expected. So we never really saw us doing anything any differently. What I think we didn't account for was how hard it can be to find a sitter, especially when you have a little one, or how much Satan tempts you to just let it slide. I understand anxiety about leaving a little baby with a sitter. I understand children who are attached to you or have special needs. However, I don't see these as excuses. If anything, I see them as reasons you should be more inclined to follow this advice because you need the break! I also understand not having money for dates (or so you think). I even understand difficult schedules...but nobody said you can only go out at night or on a Friday (for a while we did every Wednesday because that was DH's day off from his second job).
What I have learned in the 7 years we have been married is that what you make a priority is what you make happen. When we have set that Friday date night as a priority then it happens. Yes, there have been the occasional weekend where it just didn't happen, despite all our best efforts. Or there are the times when someone is sick and unable to be left. But you make it happen even if you have to be very creative about it.
Trouble finding a sitter? Think outside the box! Look to friends who don't have children but would like to spend time with them. Or friends who do have children and wouldn't mind getting away from them! Especially if you are willing to go out later, after kids are in bed, then that may be an option. I know I would be one to jump at the opportunity to sit in a quiet house that I don't have to think about cleaning and just read while a friend got to get out of the house and have some alone time with her husband. Swap sitting with a friend of neighbor. We have been blessed to have a neighbor who suggested this. It is easiest when you have someone with a similar number of kids or at least ones the same age. Set a time frame (we try to stick to around 6-10pm) and a day (we do Fridays and they do Saturdays or we'll swap weeks if it doesn't work). The kids have a great time playing together and you don't have to pay a sitter. We usually play and hang out until 8 or 8:30. At that time they put on their jammies and lie down on the floor for a movie- where they usually fall asleep and can just be carried back home to their beds when their parents get home. However, we have even had the kids at our house but then I have taken them to theirs to put them to bed and sat in their quite house until their parents returned. Another option is family members. This is usually a last resort for me because I know how busy they are and they don't usually let me pay them. However, DH has several younger cousins and we are blessed that some of them are willing to be our backup babysitters. Which is the last thing- find a regular sitter. When you go on a regular date then it is easier to plan and prepare for it. When you get a sitter that you like then it is easier to just have that person plan for watching your kids each and every Friday night unless you tell them otherwise. If you don't know who to ask then if you are LDS just ask your youth leaders to put together a list of willing babysitters in your ward. The youth can volunteer and even specify if they are unwilling to watch in certain circumstances (i.e. not comfortable with newborns). I have even had an instance where we had a youth in our ward who babysat regularly but whose mother would regularly watch our newborn. For her it was a chance to sit and enjoy some peace. K was the baby and needed special care and attention. She could get it and it made her happier to give him it. So we would drop of K at her house when picking up her kid to babysit W and P. When people tell me that they never go out because they can never find a sitter then I just don't always believe it. You need to be creative. You may even need to go out of your comfort zone by asking someone you wouldn't normally. I have recently asked a friend's younger sister who is single as well as a couple of friends whose husbands work nights (one of which has kids and one who just has a baby). Trying out a new sitter is hard and unnerving, especially with little ones who may need more specific care. But it can be quite rewarding...especially if you would not have gotten to go out otherwise.
The other thing I hear is that you don't have the money to go on a date. There's two parts to this- paying for the date and paying for the sitter. First of all, if you're concerned about paying a sitter then you need an adult or family member. If you can't swap sitting then find some other service you can swap. Or just don't go out as long. Going on an hour long date to grab some ice cream is still going on a date. There are so many ways to keep it cheap. Go to the gym together. Go on a walk or hike. Have a picnic at the park. Check out the bookstore or library. Visit friends. Have game or movie nights with them. Just because you're not in high school or college anymore doesn't mean you can't hang out at your friend's house with your date. Especially in the summertime in Vegas there are a lot of free films and outdoor concerts to take advantage of around town. If you are LDS and concerned about cost, then go to the temple every single week. You will be astounded at the blessings you will receive and the closeness you will feel with your spouse.
Some women complain to me that they never go on a date or have never left their children (who are sometimes older than mine). I just can't fathom this! I love my children. I love them dearly. But I love them more because I get breaks from them. My marriage comes first and because I feel fulfilled in my marriage and as an individual person, I am able to be a better mother. These women say "You're so lucky that you go on dates every week." Luck has nothing to do with it. It is simply a matter of saying it is going to happen, making it a priority, and working hard to make it happen. The payoff is always worth it.
I like this quote from Elder Joe Christensen of the Presidency of the Seventy:
"Keep your courtship alive. Make time to do things together- just the two of you. As important as it is to be with the children as a family, you need regular weekly time alone together. Scheduling it will let your children know that you feel that your marriage is so important that you need to nurture it. That takes commitment planning, and scheduling. It doesn't need to be costly. The time together is the most important element." (Conference Report, April 1995)
If there are men out there reading this who don't really think a date is a big deal to your wife...I promise you, it is. I have told my husband that come Friday night I am going out. I would love for him to join me. By arranging a sitter and planning a date, he shows me that he wants to be with me. I know he wants to be with me but I like the show of effort to make it happen. I have been home with the children all week. It is my place of employment as a stay-at-home mom. I don't really get to be 'done' with work at the end of the week. However, I get to be done with it for an hour or two when I go out on a date with my husband. I get to be a teenager again and date and hold hands and talk about things other than children and their latest antics etc. I get to be a grown-up and have intelligent conversation. I get to get dressed up for something. It is good for my self-esteem and it is good for my husband to see me dressed up too. It is good for us to go places together, as a couple, and show the world that that is what we are.
I will tell you that the times that have been rockier in our marriage have been the times where we have discovered that we have slacked in our date nights. You might not go on dates and might have a good marriage. But what you might not realize is just how much better it will be when you do. And if you are struggling or things just have been a little 'off', then make a date a priority this week and see what it can do for you!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
an essay on mommyhood.
One of my best friends recently gave birth to her first baby. I fear that the new mommyhood and newborn stage are a little bit of a surprise to her. See, you hear all these well wishes and congratulations for this great new thing in your life. Your life will never be the same. You know that. Babies are so great. So you hear. You might hear horror stories and tales about labor and delivery. Women love to share these things, especially with those about to give birth. It's like comparing battle wounds or something. What you never hear about is the battle wounds of being a new mom, or of being a new mom again when you have your second or third or whatever newborn. Why is that? I think because we don't talk about it beforehand. Then when you're home with that newborn and it's not that idyllic life, you begin to wonder what happened.
You go into having your baby with the idea that finally you'll be able to get some sleep. At least you won't be waking up every couple of hours trying to get comfortable or going to the bathroom. You think that you'll finally get something done around the house because you can move again, or maybe because you think you'll get energy back again. After all, don't newborns sleep all the time? You might even have visions of sitting and rocking your baby peacefully. You probably plan to breastfeed because it is such a great bonding time for you and the baby and because it's really the best option.
Well, here's how I think it really goes down. Yes, newborns sleep. Generally a lot. Sometimes they don't though. Sometimes newborns only sleep when you're holding them. Oh, and just because your first baby was a great sleeper, or a scheduled baby, or a happy baby- don't you dare go thinking you've got this thing down and that future babies will be the same. My last was my most difficult. He was the one who wouldn't sleep unless you were holding him. Don't underestimate the power of sleep, or of being sleep-deprived. You don't know it until you've been there. You will want sleep so badly that it might bring you to tears. Maybe you used to wish for 6 or 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Those days are gone. You will find yourself just dying for 3 to 5 hours. Even if your baby goes a stretch that long between feedings, at night if you're really lucky, you won't sleep that long. There's the time it takes to decide he's actually asleep before laying him down. You can't go to bed right away either because you know that inevitably if you do then the baby will know and will wake up. So you have to wait until he is for sure, really asleep.
Oh, and that feeding thing. I've got news for you. Breastfeeding isn't the greatest thing in the world for everyone. Some women just don't enjoy it. Some just don't quite get the hang of it. Some babies are fussy at the end of the day even though they've eaten regularly only to be calmed down by a bottle. Some have that perfectly idyllic time of it. You just never know and you shouldn't feel guilty if it is less than perfect. Now, I'm not advocating one way or the other. I've done it all. You know what, my kids are all pretty smart. I even think the youngest ones, the ones who were bottle fed from their early days for medical reasons, might be smarter. They also haven't been as sick. Okay, so I was secretly relieved that they had to be bottle-fed. Do I enjoy the $200 spent on the specialty formula they have each month? No. But do I love the freedom of not having to be the one to feed them every time? Yes. I never loved nursing and I'm told my mother didn't either. I was happier when I was feeding my baby a bottle. A happier mom bonds better. So if it isn't working for you, keep trying. It takes time. It's messy. It's awkward. It might even be embarrassing. Some people can't do it in front of others. That's fine. But if you keep trying and it's not going any differently, then don't feel bad. You can always pump and then feed a bottle. It won't last as long but it might make you both happier. Then, I have my own issues with pumping. It's nice, sometimes even essential. But I sure don't like feeling like a dairy cow.
Which brings me to another thing. Sex after baby. By the time that 6-week appointment rolls around, you might be so anxious. So much so that maybe you disregarded it. Unless you've got good girlfriends or read the books, it might be a surprise to you. If you are nursing, you might never want him near your boobs again. Even if you fed the baby right before hand, it is bound to get in the way. Plus, I swear kids know when you are about to have some 'me' time. It's like how children always find you hiding in the bathroom. It's like they have sex-dar. Welcome to the next 18 years of their life. If you thought that trying to do anything in that last trimester was difficult, well, I'm sorry but it might not be better just yet.
Are you depressed yet? Don't worry, it might just be PPD, or baby blues. It's a real thing. Don't underestimate it. Don't feel bad if you get it. Your body is way out of whack. They also don't tell you that your thyroid can get screwed up after having a baby. Because sleep-deprivation due to baby isn't enough. Add the effects of an underactive thyroid and you're really screwed. My poor husband. You do whatever you need to to cope. When my last one really couldn't make it without being held, I found myself losing it. I had 3 little ones I still needed to care for. Things to do. The swing only lasted so long. The bouncy seat, same. I couldn't really do the whole sling thing because I'm so short and my arms are so short that I'd be banging him into counter after counter. So, you know what I did to cope? I bought a Wii. It was an expensive, maybe not necessary purchase. But it sure helped to be able to have something 'fun' to do while sitting and holding the baby all day long. It was nice to have a 'change of scenery.' And I could play it with my kids too. If I beat a level on a game, well, at least I got something done that day. My time sitting and holding my last two was only aggravated by the fact that they had really bad reflux and needed to be kept upright for an hour after eating. When they are eating every 2-3 hours, there goes most of your day. Even though my last baby was my hardest, and most tiring, I never needed medication. I thought about it. I have had it in the past. But I found a way to cope, I talked about it, and I felt it coming on because I had been there so I was able to work on it before then. We were all fine. You know what else? He's my happiest kid now. You know when it changed? 3 months. When we finally found the right medication that helped his reflux and the right dosage and feeding combination. He was a different kid after that.
So all this can be pretty depressing. As if postpartum hormones weren't enough. Now you have to add to it extreme sleep-deprivation. Don't forget not feeling fulfilled. Don't plan on getting things done for the first 3-6 months or you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Even if they sleep during the day without you holding them like they are supposed to, then you'll be so exhausted you will be a zombie- preferably a sleeping one. So now you're probably down on yourself because you're not getting any sleep, not getting anything done, not having that idyllic newborn life, not exactly having fun with the hubby, and you might even miss being pregnant. Take heart. It's amazing how quickly we can forget things. My husband even says that being the mom to a newborn is one of the hardest times because it is so much exhausting work with little to no reward. Though that time may seem like it is dragging on. You may feel like you can stand to watch another tv show or sit in front of the computer again. That time will pass all too quickly and you will find yourself longing for those days of just sitting and holding a newborn again. Sleep on the couch with him snuggled on you. Take a shower with him in the bassinet or swing next to the shower. At least he's not asking you everything about you or complaining of who hit who. Those smiles will come. The sleep will come, eventually. Let your husband take over wherever possible. Don't forget, your body is still in recovery and you need your rest too. Get out of the house. Even if it takes all day, get ready for the day. You'll feel better. You may find yourself wondering why you did this. It's okay. The rewards come and are greater than you can imagine. To see that first smile. To hear that laugh. To hear them call you ma-ma. To watch as they figure something out or learn something new. To send them off to school and hear them tell you of all the new, exciting, and wonderful things they learned that day. It's all worth it. It's worth every sleepless moment. It's worth every ache and pain. It's worth every bit of it all. You don't know it until you've experienced it. Please remind me this when my 2-year old paints the tub in nail polish again. I'm still trying to get it off.
Oh, and here's another thing. We moms have been there. We are happy to help. We know how it is to just wish to get a shower. That's all you want in a day. So if you need to reach out so that you don't go crazy or don't feel crazy or don't feel alone- please do! Don't feel silly. The best advice I ever got on being a mom was to take care of myself and relax. My mother-in-law was so right when she told me that babies can sense your moods. Not just babies. It affects them. More than you might think. I had more than one doctor say something to the effect of that the best thing you can do for your baby (or child) is to take care of yourself. So if that means leaving the baby with someone and a bottle so that you can go out (by yourself or on a date), then do! Don't feel guilty. It's hard to give when you feel empty and drained. Don't feel guilty for sleeping at any opportunity. For those first few months, you probably should. And talk to your spouse. They probably have no clue what it is like for you. They might not ever. But they won't be any better and won't know any better unless you clue them in. Let them, or make them (whichever applies), help so that they can get a sense. Parenting is supposed to be a two-person job. It needs to start off that way. That's why it takes two people to make one. It takes two to raise them. I so do not envy those single parents. If you are one (or feel like one), then ask for help...church members, friends, neighbors, family members- whoever!
You go into having your baby with the idea that finally you'll be able to get some sleep. At least you won't be waking up every couple of hours trying to get comfortable or going to the bathroom. You think that you'll finally get something done around the house because you can move again, or maybe because you think you'll get energy back again. After all, don't newborns sleep all the time? You might even have visions of sitting and rocking your baby peacefully. You probably plan to breastfeed because it is such a great bonding time for you and the baby and because it's really the best option.
Well, here's how I think it really goes down. Yes, newborns sleep. Generally a lot. Sometimes they don't though. Sometimes newborns only sleep when you're holding them. Oh, and just because your first baby was a great sleeper, or a scheduled baby, or a happy baby- don't you dare go thinking you've got this thing down and that future babies will be the same. My last was my most difficult. He was the one who wouldn't sleep unless you were holding him. Don't underestimate the power of sleep, or of being sleep-deprived. You don't know it until you've been there. You will want sleep so badly that it might bring you to tears. Maybe you used to wish for 6 or 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Those days are gone. You will find yourself just dying for 3 to 5 hours. Even if your baby goes a stretch that long between feedings, at night if you're really lucky, you won't sleep that long. There's the time it takes to decide he's actually asleep before laying him down. You can't go to bed right away either because you know that inevitably if you do then the baby will know and will wake up. So you have to wait until he is for sure, really asleep.
Oh, and that feeding thing. I've got news for you. Breastfeeding isn't the greatest thing in the world for everyone. Some women just don't enjoy it. Some just don't quite get the hang of it. Some babies are fussy at the end of the day even though they've eaten regularly only to be calmed down by a bottle. Some have that perfectly idyllic time of it. You just never know and you shouldn't feel guilty if it is less than perfect. Now, I'm not advocating one way or the other. I've done it all. You know what, my kids are all pretty smart. I even think the youngest ones, the ones who were bottle fed from their early days for medical reasons, might be smarter. They also haven't been as sick. Okay, so I was secretly relieved that they had to be bottle-fed. Do I enjoy the $200 spent on the specialty formula they have each month? No. But do I love the freedom of not having to be the one to feed them every time? Yes. I never loved nursing and I'm told my mother didn't either. I was happier when I was feeding my baby a bottle. A happier mom bonds better. So if it isn't working for you, keep trying. It takes time. It's messy. It's awkward. It might even be embarrassing. Some people can't do it in front of others. That's fine. But if you keep trying and it's not going any differently, then don't feel bad. You can always pump and then feed a bottle. It won't last as long but it might make you both happier. Then, I have my own issues with pumping. It's nice, sometimes even essential. But I sure don't like feeling like a dairy cow.
Which brings me to another thing. Sex after baby. By the time that 6-week appointment rolls around, you might be so anxious. So much so that maybe you disregarded it. Unless you've got good girlfriends or read the books, it might be a surprise to you. If you are nursing, you might never want him near your boobs again. Even if you fed the baby right before hand, it is bound to get in the way. Plus, I swear kids know when you are about to have some 'me' time. It's like how children always find you hiding in the bathroom. It's like they have sex-dar. Welcome to the next 18 years of their life. If you thought that trying to do anything in that last trimester was difficult, well, I'm sorry but it might not be better just yet.
Are you depressed yet? Don't worry, it might just be PPD, or baby blues. It's a real thing. Don't underestimate it. Don't feel bad if you get it. Your body is way out of whack. They also don't tell you that your thyroid can get screwed up after having a baby. Because sleep-deprivation due to baby isn't enough. Add the effects of an underactive thyroid and you're really screwed. My poor husband. You do whatever you need to to cope. When my last one really couldn't make it without being held, I found myself losing it. I had 3 little ones I still needed to care for. Things to do. The swing only lasted so long. The bouncy seat, same. I couldn't really do the whole sling thing because I'm so short and my arms are so short that I'd be banging him into counter after counter. So, you know what I did to cope? I bought a Wii. It was an expensive, maybe not necessary purchase. But it sure helped to be able to have something 'fun' to do while sitting and holding the baby all day long. It was nice to have a 'change of scenery.' And I could play it with my kids too. If I beat a level on a game, well, at least I got something done that day. My time sitting and holding my last two was only aggravated by the fact that they had really bad reflux and needed to be kept upright for an hour after eating. When they are eating every 2-3 hours, there goes most of your day. Even though my last baby was my hardest, and most tiring, I never needed medication. I thought about it. I have had it in the past. But I found a way to cope, I talked about it, and I felt it coming on because I had been there so I was able to work on it before then. We were all fine. You know what else? He's my happiest kid now. You know when it changed? 3 months. When we finally found the right medication that helped his reflux and the right dosage and feeding combination. He was a different kid after that.
So all this can be pretty depressing. As if postpartum hormones weren't enough. Now you have to add to it extreme sleep-deprivation. Don't forget not feeling fulfilled. Don't plan on getting things done for the first 3-6 months or you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Even if they sleep during the day without you holding them like they are supposed to, then you'll be so exhausted you will be a zombie- preferably a sleeping one. So now you're probably down on yourself because you're not getting any sleep, not getting anything done, not having that idyllic newborn life, not exactly having fun with the hubby, and you might even miss being pregnant. Take heart. It's amazing how quickly we can forget things. My husband even says that being the mom to a newborn is one of the hardest times because it is so much exhausting work with little to no reward. Though that time may seem like it is dragging on. You may feel like you can stand to watch another tv show or sit in front of the computer again. That time will pass all too quickly and you will find yourself longing for those days of just sitting and holding a newborn again. Sleep on the couch with him snuggled on you. Take a shower with him in the bassinet or swing next to the shower. At least he's not asking you everything about you or complaining of who hit who. Those smiles will come. The sleep will come, eventually. Let your husband take over wherever possible. Don't forget, your body is still in recovery and you need your rest too. Get out of the house. Even if it takes all day, get ready for the day. You'll feel better. You may find yourself wondering why you did this. It's okay. The rewards come and are greater than you can imagine. To see that first smile. To hear that laugh. To hear them call you ma-ma. To watch as they figure something out or learn something new. To send them off to school and hear them tell you of all the new, exciting, and wonderful things they learned that day. It's all worth it. It's worth every sleepless moment. It's worth every ache and pain. It's worth every bit of it all. You don't know it until you've experienced it. Please remind me this when my 2-year old paints the tub in nail polish again. I'm still trying to get it off.
Oh, and here's another thing. We moms have been there. We are happy to help. We know how it is to just wish to get a shower. That's all you want in a day. So if you need to reach out so that you don't go crazy or don't feel crazy or don't feel alone- please do! Don't feel silly. The best advice I ever got on being a mom was to take care of myself and relax. My mother-in-law was so right when she told me that babies can sense your moods. Not just babies. It affects them. More than you might think. I had more than one doctor say something to the effect of that the best thing you can do for your baby (or child) is to take care of yourself. So if that means leaving the baby with someone and a bottle so that you can go out (by yourself or on a date), then do! Don't feel guilty. It's hard to give when you feel empty and drained. Don't feel guilty for sleeping at any opportunity. For those first few months, you probably should. And talk to your spouse. They probably have no clue what it is like for you. They might not ever. But they won't be any better and won't know any better unless you clue them in. Let them, or make them (whichever applies), help so that they can get a sense. Parenting is supposed to be a two-person job. It needs to start off that way. That's why it takes two people to make one. It takes two to raise them. I so do not envy those single parents. If you are one (or feel like one), then ask for help...church members, friends, neighbors, family members- whoever!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
spiritual thoughts.
I have been reflecting today on some of the spiritual experiences or things I've thought about over the past month. Hope you don't mind my sharing:
* While we were in Prague, we had the opportunity to attend church at a branch there on Fast Sunday. We listened to church through headphones with missionaries interpreting the words into English. They prayed for a stake, when they don't even have a ward yet. One man shared an experience of praying for missionary experiences as they had been instructed to and sharing the gospel with a coworker. Another, more elderly, lady shared how times were tough and she didn't have much money that week. She had to decide whether to buy groceries or use the money to pay for the public transportation it would take her to get to church that Sunday. She bought a loaf of bread and it sustained her through that Sunday. She was grateful to be able to come to church and was so blessed to have the gospel and be able to meet with other church members. I thought about how these are modern-day pioneers. I thought about how so many take church attendance as a slight inconvenience but something we should do. We don't recognize what a great blessing it is to be able to meet together and to be able to attend church. We should be looking forward to it and making every effort to partake of it just as this lady had. I thought about the faith of these members who believed they would have a stake if they just continued to pray for missionary experiences and act on them. And they will. I thought of the sacrifices they make to be able to attend church, to congregate together and lift each other up and learn more of the gospel. They give up food. They travel hours or more. And they do it gladly. I thought of the light of Christ and how it literally shines through them.
* The day after returning from getting the kids in Arizona, we had a family on our street who were being sealed together. We had been torn about attending because we really wanted to, as they were friends of ours and we wanted to support them. However, we had just been reunited as a family and didn't want to leave the kids again with a sitter. We also knew we were likely to be really jet-lagged after all that traveling. After much debate we both felt that we really needed to go. It was decided that DH would go to the session where the parents were receiving their endowment and I would meet him at the temple to attend the sealing while he waited outside with the kids. It was a sacrifice to go but one worth making. I barely made it for the sealing but it was beautiful. While it was wonderful to be a part of it, the most wonderful thing was what happened later. A friend and I got to chatting afterward in the locker room. Do you ever have one of those conversations where one thing leads to another and next thing you know you're spilling things that are weighing you down that you don't even realize are weighing you down? It was one of those times. I know that she was inspired to attend the session and the sealing. I know that she made sacrifices as well to be there. I also know that she was inspired to talk to me and, I tell you what, she said exactly the words to me that I needed to hear. I had said a prayer the very night before out of frustration. A prayer that I truly could not figure out an answer to, nor could I see getting one. And she said, word for word, an answer to that prayer. She was my angel that day and I probably bawled the whole night thinking about it.
* The very next day we had a wonderful lesson in Relief Society. We talked about the scripture in Malachi about the hearts of the fathers turning to their children and the hearts of the children turning to their fathers. I knew the scripture was about genealogy but always felt like I was missing a little something from it. Then someone shared their understanding of the scripture as also being those in our family who have passed before us being turned to us. That they are our ministering angels and that the priorities we have in this life will still be the priorities we have after this life. Meaning that our families will still be our priority and we will still be there with them. Do you know that I have spent 10 years wondering about this? I have always felt like my mom was busy doing missionary work and that sort of thing on that side of the veil. That she would be anxiously engaged in a good work and that it would mean not really being around me because, I guess, I would be an inconvenience. I have heard many a person say that they felt otherwise...that those people are there with us, looking after us, that we can talk to them etc. But I felt like there was never anything really to back that up and that we tell ourselves those things to make us feel better about it all. Don't get me wrong, I've always known there is life after this and believed that we will live again and live as eternal families. But this was different. Well, when that thought was shared I just knew she was referring to my mom. That she felt she needed to share that for me and that she was absolutely right. It wasn't even something that had been on my mind recently but boy did it hit me like a ton of bricks. I talked to her later, not telling her my thoughts but just thanking her. She said "I was thinking of your mom and I know she wanted you to know." I can't tell you the weight that literally lifted off my shoulders. I felt this light through me. There is no other way to describe it. It was an 'ah-ha' moment and I knew that this was truth. 10 years I have gone feeling alone and left behind by my mom. It's fine, it's all been for the best. I know God has a plan and that things happen for a reason. I say these things often and I do believe them. There have been the very occasional time here and there where I have felt my mom's presence, but never as anything constant. It's always been sad to think of her not being a part of my life. Especially since she was 'my person' and we were such good friends. But to think...10 years I have felt alone and I didn't need to! If only someone would have explained that scripture that way so long ago. What heartache would it have spared? How grateful I am for that person who was in tune with the spirit, who listened to the spirit, and who acted on that prompting to share that thought. And then I thought... Isn't the gospel the same way? Gospel means 'good news' and what good news it is indeed. I wonder if those who have converted to the church feel the same... 'why didn't this get explained to me so long ago?' and what can we do about it?
* A few days after this experience I had a friend who was being sealed in San Diego. I had struggled for some time with the decision of whether or not to go. It would have to be a day trip because it was in the middle of the week, making babysitting a problem, and because we couldn't afford a hotel. I was horribly behind because we were barely home from a 2 week trip and I was just plain tired of traveling. Plus, I had a stepsister's drill performance in Utah that I really wanted to attend and was feeling guilty about not being able to...and I felt like I couldn't really justify going to one and not the other. The morning of the sealing I still felt torn. I had decided not to go but hadn't actually prayed about it and felt like I should pray about it if I was not going to feel bad about my decision not to go. Well, as I said my prayers that morning I got the overwhelming feeling that I should go. Time was of the essence and I called DH to let him know. He was thankfully able to head home from work (I thought he'd just take the kids till finding a sitter but he just stayed home all day with them). I took W to school and then hit the road. I made it to the sealing with 10 minutes to spare. It was a beautiful sealing and the sealer gave some great words of wisdom that I felt like I needed to hear. I wondered if that was why I felt so strongly about going but then felt like it wasn't quite it. I visited with my friend and her family before planning to turn around and go home. I wanted to see the beach before going home though. I have rarely been to the beach. In fact, I've spent more time on a beach in North Carolina over the course of 2 summers than I have days added up on a beach in Cali in all my years living in Vegas. So I looked on my GPS for a place to go. Turns out you can't look up beach, or ocean for directions. So I looked for what looked like a good landmark and typed it in. I had seen a place called Bird Rock on the map so I searched for that and headed there. Bird Rock Park turned out to be a park behind an elementary school, but it did put me in a general vicinity. I found a neighborhood just to park in to check out the view. There was a couple making out that I didn't care to interrupt their 'moment' and I could see that if I drove further down where I knew there was an actual beach with parking then I would miss the sunset. So I just drove up a couple more neighborhoods where I found another outlet to the water and a place to park. It was empty. There wasn't sand, just rocks. But it was a cool view and I have cool pictures to post later. There is a point to this though.... I had climbed down to the rocks and upon coming back up on to the street I met a man who was also watching the sunset. I said hello and we talked about the beautiful view (he lived up the street and had come to watch the sunset). It is so hard to leave a sunset. It is so hard to leave the beach. Put the two together and it is nearly torture trying to pull yourself away. I don't recall how but we somehow got to talking about church subjects. He had asked why I was there. I said it was for a friend's special day. When he asked if it was a wedding I told him that in our church we had something called a sealing and that was what I was there for. He asked if I was Mormon and it sort of went from there. I am not one to just go around sharing the gospel. I'd say it's not my style. But we had a wonderful 3 hour discussion on nearly every subject imaginable. This was a man who 'got it' and didn't even know it. He loved the scriptures. He commented on how there is so much bad in the world and things are so terrible...and yet, how can you not believe in a God when you look at the beauty in the world, like the sunset, and how can you not believe that He is good when He would create such a thing for you? He is a single guy and asked me about my kids. He reminded me just how lucky I am to have them and how I should cherish each and every moment with them. I could tell you about all the wonderful things we discussed and what a nice and great guy he was...but that would probably be a 3-page post. But I will tell you that the Spirit was with him and he already knew things that he didn't realize he knew. He kept thanking me for saying hello and for stopping to talk to him. I got the feeling that he had been feeling very lonely. And I told him, as I feel very strongly, about how I had gotten up that morning and had not planned to go to San Diego...but that I prayed about it and felt like I should and that I felt like he was the reason why..... Oh, and in talking to him I learned that the very place where I was was called Bird Rock.
* I asked one of my brothers recently about church in China. He is there teaching English for a few months. This is what he said: "We can only meet with other people who have passports from foreign countries. So we meet at someone's apartment and go through the same motions of opening hymn, announcements, etc. but we listen to 2 talks from general authorities instead. About a third of the time you call in on a phone or skype and it's a mass teleconference where they un-mute whoever is going to give the prayer or talk or whatever. The church site isn't blocked so I can see conference there. I'm just not allowed to refer anyone to it." The things we don't think about. It got me thinking again about what a blessing it is to have the gospel and to have a testimony. I thought of the testimony that these people must have, even if they are not aware of it, to go to these lengths to have a church meeting. I thought of how blessed we are to live somewhere where we are allowed to congregate, allowed to share these thoughts that I have, allowed to openly lift each other up in the gospel. I thought about the way that those members must live their lives to literally be a shining example of Christ because they can only answer questions if they are asked. They cannot bring up a church subject.
* I have always wondered about teaching my children gospel principles. I don't want them ever to feel like they have simply believed things because it is what I believed. I don't recall specific gospel teaching moments in my home growing up. Much of the life I remember my dad was not an active member of the church and it was a point of contention between my parents. So it was a difficult path for me to navigate as I became a teenager and wanted to think for myself and had questions about my dad's actions versus beliefs and my mom's. I see and hear the ways that friends teach their children and wonder if I am doing enough and how I can do it correctly. I have had experiences with my kids, particularly W and P, that have taught me that those moments come up and that the Lord will bless you to recognize them and to know what to say. As parents, we are responsible for teaching our children truth and for helping them become responsible adults and capable of finding their way back to Heavenly Father. I still feel like it is very much each individual's right and choice to find their way on their own. Isn't that what Christ died for, that we would have that agency? But we are entrusted with their care when they are sent to us and we must lay the groundwork and do all in our power to help them so that when it comes time to choose they will make the right choice. I see so much of me in P and so much of DH in W. The two of them recently got in an argument about heaven. P told W that she didn't believe in heaven but that she did believe in Jesus and Heavenly Father. W was arguing that you couldn't believe in one without believing the other because they are one in the same. We were able to sit down and talk about how we believe that is where they live but that they aren't the same thing. We were also able to talk about how just because one person believes something does not mean that the other has to. Then we were able to talk about how the Spirit can talk to us and tell us these things, if they are true or not. We talked about how there are different ways to feel the spirit and what they are. And then we talked about praying for answers and needing to ask the questions. P immediately dropped to her knees and said a silent prayer. I hardly knew what she was doing. She jumped up and was so happy, she was nearly ecstatic. She said she asked Heavenly Father and Jesus about heaven and that she knew it was real because she could 'hear it in her heart'. Now, I don't know what she really felt and what was really going on in her head...but I'm grateful for the teaching opportunity and I have no doubt whatsoever that Heavenly Father would hear the prayer of that little girl and answer it for her. I'll bet He just plain gave her a hug. You would believe it too if you had seen the change in the look on her face and the look of pure joy when she was done praying.
* While we were in Prague, we had the opportunity to attend church at a branch there on Fast Sunday. We listened to church through headphones with missionaries interpreting the words into English. They prayed for a stake, when they don't even have a ward yet. One man shared an experience of praying for missionary experiences as they had been instructed to and sharing the gospel with a coworker. Another, more elderly, lady shared how times were tough and she didn't have much money that week. She had to decide whether to buy groceries or use the money to pay for the public transportation it would take her to get to church that Sunday. She bought a loaf of bread and it sustained her through that Sunday. She was grateful to be able to come to church and was so blessed to have the gospel and be able to meet with other church members. I thought about how these are modern-day pioneers. I thought about how so many take church attendance as a slight inconvenience but something we should do. We don't recognize what a great blessing it is to be able to meet together and to be able to attend church. We should be looking forward to it and making every effort to partake of it just as this lady had. I thought about the faith of these members who believed they would have a stake if they just continued to pray for missionary experiences and act on them. And they will. I thought of the sacrifices they make to be able to attend church, to congregate together and lift each other up and learn more of the gospel. They give up food. They travel hours or more. And they do it gladly. I thought of the light of Christ and how it literally shines through them.
* The day after returning from getting the kids in Arizona, we had a family on our street who were being sealed together. We had been torn about attending because we really wanted to, as they were friends of ours and we wanted to support them. However, we had just been reunited as a family and didn't want to leave the kids again with a sitter. We also knew we were likely to be really jet-lagged after all that traveling. After much debate we both felt that we really needed to go. It was decided that DH would go to the session where the parents were receiving their endowment and I would meet him at the temple to attend the sealing while he waited outside with the kids. It was a sacrifice to go but one worth making. I barely made it for the sealing but it was beautiful. While it was wonderful to be a part of it, the most wonderful thing was what happened later. A friend and I got to chatting afterward in the locker room. Do you ever have one of those conversations where one thing leads to another and next thing you know you're spilling things that are weighing you down that you don't even realize are weighing you down? It was one of those times. I know that she was inspired to attend the session and the sealing. I know that she made sacrifices as well to be there. I also know that she was inspired to talk to me and, I tell you what, she said exactly the words to me that I needed to hear. I had said a prayer the very night before out of frustration. A prayer that I truly could not figure out an answer to, nor could I see getting one. And she said, word for word, an answer to that prayer. She was my angel that day and I probably bawled the whole night thinking about it.
* The very next day we had a wonderful lesson in Relief Society. We talked about the scripture in Malachi about the hearts of the fathers turning to their children and the hearts of the children turning to their fathers. I knew the scripture was about genealogy but always felt like I was missing a little something from it. Then someone shared their understanding of the scripture as also being those in our family who have passed before us being turned to us. That they are our ministering angels and that the priorities we have in this life will still be the priorities we have after this life. Meaning that our families will still be our priority and we will still be there with them. Do you know that I have spent 10 years wondering about this? I have always felt like my mom was busy doing missionary work and that sort of thing on that side of the veil. That she would be anxiously engaged in a good work and that it would mean not really being around me because, I guess, I would be an inconvenience. I have heard many a person say that they felt otherwise...that those people are there with us, looking after us, that we can talk to them etc. But I felt like there was never anything really to back that up and that we tell ourselves those things to make us feel better about it all. Don't get me wrong, I've always known there is life after this and believed that we will live again and live as eternal families. But this was different. Well, when that thought was shared I just knew she was referring to my mom. That she felt she needed to share that for me and that she was absolutely right. It wasn't even something that had been on my mind recently but boy did it hit me like a ton of bricks. I talked to her later, not telling her my thoughts but just thanking her. She said "I was thinking of your mom and I know she wanted you to know." I can't tell you the weight that literally lifted off my shoulders. I felt this light through me. There is no other way to describe it. It was an 'ah-ha' moment and I knew that this was truth. 10 years I have gone feeling alone and left behind by my mom. It's fine, it's all been for the best. I know God has a plan and that things happen for a reason. I say these things often and I do believe them. There have been the very occasional time here and there where I have felt my mom's presence, but never as anything constant. It's always been sad to think of her not being a part of my life. Especially since she was 'my person' and we were such good friends. But to think...10 years I have felt alone and I didn't need to! If only someone would have explained that scripture that way so long ago. What heartache would it have spared? How grateful I am for that person who was in tune with the spirit, who listened to the spirit, and who acted on that prompting to share that thought. And then I thought... Isn't the gospel the same way? Gospel means 'good news' and what good news it is indeed. I wonder if those who have converted to the church feel the same... 'why didn't this get explained to me so long ago?' and what can we do about it?
* A few days after this experience I had a friend who was being sealed in San Diego. I had struggled for some time with the decision of whether or not to go. It would have to be a day trip because it was in the middle of the week, making babysitting a problem, and because we couldn't afford a hotel. I was horribly behind because we were barely home from a 2 week trip and I was just plain tired of traveling. Plus, I had a stepsister's drill performance in Utah that I really wanted to attend and was feeling guilty about not being able to...and I felt like I couldn't really justify going to one and not the other. The morning of the sealing I still felt torn. I had decided not to go but hadn't actually prayed about it and felt like I should pray about it if I was not going to feel bad about my decision not to go. Well, as I said my prayers that morning I got the overwhelming feeling that I should go. Time was of the essence and I called DH to let him know. He was thankfully able to head home from work (I thought he'd just take the kids till finding a sitter but he just stayed home all day with them). I took W to school and then hit the road. I made it to the sealing with 10 minutes to spare. It was a beautiful sealing and the sealer gave some great words of wisdom that I felt like I needed to hear. I wondered if that was why I felt so strongly about going but then felt like it wasn't quite it. I visited with my friend and her family before planning to turn around and go home. I wanted to see the beach before going home though. I have rarely been to the beach. In fact, I've spent more time on a beach in North Carolina over the course of 2 summers than I have days added up on a beach in Cali in all my years living in Vegas. So I looked on my GPS for a place to go. Turns out you can't look up beach, or ocean for directions. So I looked for what looked like a good landmark and typed it in. I had seen a place called Bird Rock on the map so I searched for that and headed there. Bird Rock Park turned out to be a park behind an elementary school, but it did put me in a general vicinity. I found a neighborhood just to park in to check out the view. There was a couple making out that I didn't care to interrupt their 'moment' and I could see that if I drove further down where I knew there was an actual beach with parking then I would miss the sunset. So I just drove up a couple more neighborhoods where I found another outlet to the water and a place to park. It was empty. There wasn't sand, just rocks. But it was a cool view and I have cool pictures to post later. There is a point to this though.... I had climbed down to the rocks and upon coming back up on to the street I met a man who was also watching the sunset. I said hello and we talked about the beautiful view (he lived up the street and had come to watch the sunset). It is so hard to leave a sunset. It is so hard to leave the beach. Put the two together and it is nearly torture trying to pull yourself away. I don't recall how but we somehow got to talking about church subjects. He had asked why I was there. I said it was for a friend's special day. When he asked if it was a wedding I told him that in our church we had something called a sealing and that was what I was there for. He asked if I was Mormon and it sort of went from there. I am not one to just go around sharing the gospel. I'd say it's not my style. But we had a wonderful 3 hour discussion on nearly every subject imaginable. This was a man who 'got it' and didn't even know it. He loved the scriptures. He commented on how there is so much bad in the world and things are so terrible...and yet, how can you not believe in a God when you look at the beauty in the world, like the sunset, and how can you not believe that He is good when He would create such a thing for you? He is a single guy and asked me about my kids. He reminded me just how lucky I am to have them and how I should cherish each and every moment with them. I could tell you about all the wonderful things we discussed and what a nice and great guy he was...but that would probably be a 3-page post. But I will tell you that the Spirit was with him and he already knew things that he didn't realize he knew. He kept thanking me for saying hello and for stopping to talk to him. I got the feeling that he had been feeling very lonely. And I told him, as I feel very strongly, about how I had gotten up that morning and had not planned to go to San Diego...but that I prayed about it and felt like I should and that I felt like he was the reason why..... Oh, and in talking to him I learned that the very place where I was was called Bird Rock.
* I asked one of my brothers recently about church in China. He is there teaching English for a few months. This is what he said: "We can only meet with other people who have passports from foreign countries. So we meet at someone's apartment and go through the same motions of opening hymn, announcements, etc. but we listen to 2 talks from general authorities instead. About a third of the time you call in on a phone or skype and it's a mass teleconference where they un-mute whoever is going to give the prayer or talk or whatever. The church site isn't blocked so I can see conference there. I'm just not allowed to refer anyone to it." The things we don't think about. It got me thinking again about what a blessing it is to have the gospel and to have a testimony. I thought of the testimony that these people must have, even if they are not aware of it, to go to these lengths to have a church meeting. I thought of how blessed we are to live somewhere where we are allowed to congregate, allowed to share these thoughts that I have, allowed to openly lift each other up in the gospel. I thought about the way that those members must live their lives to literally be a shining example of Christ because they can only answer questions if they are asked. They cannot bring up a church subject.
* I have always wondered about teaching my children gospel principles. I don't want them ever to feel like they have simply believed things because it is what I believed. I don't recall specific gospel teaching moments in my home growing up. Much of the life I remember my dad was not an active member of the church and it was a point of contention between my parents. So it was a difficult path for me to navigate as I became a teenager and wanted to think for myself and had questions about my dad's actions versus beliefs and my mom's. I see and hear the ways that friends teach their children and wonder if I am doing enough and how I can do it correctly. I have had experiences with my kids, particularly W and P, that have taught me that those moments come up and that the Lord will bless you to recognize them and to know what to say. As parents, we are responsible for teaching our children truth and for helping them become responsible adults and capable of finding their way back to Heavenly Father. I still feel like it is very much each individual's right and choice to find their way on their own. Isn't that what Christ died for, that we would have that agency? But we are entrusted with their care when they are sent to us and we must lay the groundwork and do all in our power to help them so that when it comes time to choose they will make the right choice. I see so much of me in P and so much of DH in W. The two of them recently got in an argument about heaven. P told W that she didn't believe in heaven but that she did believe in Jesus and Heavenly Father. W was arguing that you couldn't believe in one without believing the other because they are one in the same. We were able to sit down and talk about how we believe that is where they live but that they aren't the same thing. We were also able to talk about how just because one person believes something does not mean that the other has to. Then we were able to talk about how the Spirit can talk to us and tell us these things, if they are true or not. We talked about how there are different ways to feel the spirit and what they are. And then we talked about praying for answers and needing to ask the questions. P immediately dropped to her knees and said a silent prayer. I hardly knew what she was doing. She jumped up and was so happy, she was nearly ecstatic. She said she asked Heavenly Father and Jesus about heaven and that she knew it was real because she could 'hear it in her heart'. Now, I don't know what she really felt and what was really going on in her head...but I'm grateful for the teaching opportunity and I have no doubt whatsoever that Heavenly Father would hear the prayer of that little girl and answer it for her. I'll bet He just plain gave her a hug. You would believe it too if you had seen the change in the look on her face and the look of pure joy when she was done praying.
Monday, March 23, 2009
finding joy.
There has been a lot of talk at church lately about finding joy in our journey and being happy with our lot in life. We had a nice RS thing about it this past week. I came home and thought about whether or not I was happy with my stage in life. I get comments from other moms who've been there that I am in the hardest stage and that is especially hard that I have so many so close together. But I also recently had an experience talking with a total stranger (another blog for that one) who has never been married or had kids and just had the reaction of 'oh, hold them and love on them every minute you can because it is gone so fast.' They do! P gets her kindergarten shots this week. W is almost a first grader. I am almost out of the baby stage- K2 turns 1 in just 6 weeks. And you know what I realized? I am happy with my stage in life. Trust me...life is really hard right now. But these trials make us better. I have been humbled in many ways. I have had to make adjustments to my views and my attitude. I feel pulled in every way imaginable and burdened to the point of barely being able to stand. But I am happy. I know this life is just a moment and I am happy with the growth I have seen in DH and I. I know that God's hand is in all things. I have a testimony and that makes me happy. I have 4 beautiful children who bring and immense amount of joy and completeness to my life. I have a supportive and kind husband. I have been greatly blessed by people around me lately who have followed promptings and little nudgings they have received. They probably don't even realize that they have been my angels and answers to my prayers. While I may complain or gripe or moan or kick and fight it is because I have growing pains. Growth is hard and painful but it is good and I stand a little taller as a result. At least that's what I like to tell myself. =)
Thursday, February 5, 2009
molasses.
From an article by Nettie H. Francis in the Desert Saints Magazine.
"Molasses--a gooey, sticky substance that pours very slowly, like honey. It was used in pioneer times to sweeten cookies and candy. I use it to make gingerbread at Christmas time But beyond that, it holds deeper meaning for me. Molasses describes motherhood. Or at least, I feel like I am moving in molasses whenever I try to accomplish anything as a mother, as if I am running and running and getting nowhere.
You know the picture. You wake up with a "to do" list for the day. All goes well until you get out of bed. Sometimes for me it seems that as soon as I get up, all of my children are awake! I try to hold them off momentarily while I take a quick shower, knowing it's my only chance. Then, like some superhuman, I make breakfast and get the oldest ones to school.Now my to-do list can begin. But, just as I close the front door, my toddler has to go to the bathroom. No biggie. We're almost there when she doesn't make it. So now I'm cleaning up the floor and getting dry clothes for her. Then my preschooler informs me, "Mama, the baby had a blow-out." Another bout with diapers, during which the phone rings and I balance it with one hand while opening the wipes with the other.
Now we're off to start the laundry, but before we get there, the phone rings again, and the mailman comes with a package to sign for, and my toddler needs a snack. Finally, I put the laundry in and check my list. But, before I reach item number two, somebody needs their jacket buttoned to go outside and play, and the baby is crying because she's hungry. You get the picture....
When my husband comes home at night, I tell him what I accomplished that day, "Um...I think I paid the phone bill." Unfortunately, it's difficult to describe how a mother can be busy--practically running--all day, and barely accomplish anything. And, as I crawl exhausted into bed, I know that in a few short hours I will wake up to another, similar, seemingly fruitless mother hood molasses scene.On my mission I often had days when I felt I was accomplishing nothing, in other words, "running in molasses." Later however, I looked back and found I had actually been the most successful on those days. My feeling of uselessness was just a tool from Satan to discourage me. Motherhood is the same, and on the days when we feel ineffective, we are really accomplishing great purposes: loving, giving service, teaching and more. However, if we don't have some eternal view of our destination, it can be easy to sink into despair."
Monday, February 2, 2009
note to self.
"Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers but for powers equal to your tasks. Then the doing of the work shall be no miracle, but YOU shall be the miracle."
That's what came to me and I'm pretty sure it was from a plaque given to me back in YW. But where's the quote from?
Monday, January 19, 2009
jan 19.
Aww... .I did so well for so long. I've had a hard time getting myself to go to bed lately so I either fall asleep on the couch or am wiped out when I finally climb in bed. Don't really know what my deal is.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
jan 12.
+.4 today. -5.8 total
Ugh! Need to do better! I need to redo my hcg mixture so I wasn't planning to stick to the diet today. Maybe if I just at least eat wll. DH and P have an appointment today with an immunologist. Hopefully we can finally get them some answers.
....ummm.... made cookies with P today.... ate a little way more than my share. The scale is going to hurt tomorrow.
Ugh! Need to do better! I need to redo my hcg mixture so I wasn't planning to stick to the diet today. Maybe if I just at least eat wll. DH and P have an appointment today with an immunologist. Hopefully we can finally get them some answers.
....ummm.... made cookies with P today.... ate a little way more than my share. The scale is going to hurt tomorrow.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
jan 11.
188 -6.2 total
Forgot to write yesterday. Fell asleep on the couch last night so I was pretty out of it when I went to bed. Blew the diet yet again. Will do it again today.
Trying to decide whether to take W in to the dr. He has a ton of little blood vessels on his face and around his eyes from coughing so hard. It's so sad.
Had a dream last night about my mom. I was so into it I guess that it took me a while to remember that she's not alive. Usually those dreams leave me feeling all weird and in a really bad mood the next day, but this one was actually different. I can't seem to decide how I feel. I can't even remember exactly what it was about.
Forgot to write yesterday. Fell asleep on the couch last night so I was pretty out of it when I went to bed. Blew the diet yet again. Will do it again today.
Trying to decide whether to take W in to the dr. He has a ton of little blood vessels on his face and around his eyes from coughing so hard. It's so sad.
Had a dream last night about my mom. I was so into it I guess that it took me a while to remember that she's not alive. Usually those dreams leave me feeling all weird and in a really bad mood the next day, but this one was actually different. I can't seem to decide how I feel. I can't even remember exactly what it was about.
Friday, January 9, 2009
week 1 on hcg.
188.8. Overall loss of about 5 lbs in week 1
Well, life obviously got busy and I've been up late and too tired to write when I go to bed. I've gotten a lot done and I've even mopped. I hate mopping so that's a big deal. I had a rough day yesterday and went to bed mad and depressed and wound up not sleeping well. My arm was killing me from mopping. I woke up with a headache because I realized that I had never taken my second dose of hcg (on a day when I actually stuck to the diet), which is like half of my calories and nutrition for the day.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
jan 7.
191.0. -3.2 overall
I am tired. Had a productive day. Even mopped the whole house. But I am tired and don't really feel like writing so goodnight.
I am tired. Had a productive day. Even mopped the whole house. But I am tired and don't really feel like writing so goodnight.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
192.6
It's nearly midnight and I need to go to sleep but I promised to stick to this so I am. This is easier than the diet- which wasn't hard before so I can't figure out what my problem suddenly is.
It was freezing outside today. Even got more snow flurries. Had family party and celebrated K's birthday. Hard to believe he will be 2 next week. W & P were super enthusiastic about their chores today. We had a routine and, for the most part, stuck to it. Will be nice if we can get a consistent routine. That's my problem- consistency.
It's nearly midnight and I need to go to sleep but I promised to stick to this so I am. This is easier than the diet- which wasn't hard before so I can't figure out what my problem suddenly is.
It was freezing outside today. Even got more snow flurries. Had family party and celebrated K's birthday. Hard to believe he will be 2 next week. W & P were super enthusiastic about their chores today. We had a routine and, for the most part, stuck to it. Will be nice if we can get a consistent routine. That's my problem- consistency.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
ugh.
192.2...up 1.8, which means total loss just 2.0 now
So obviously it caught up to me. Today was no better. I don't know what my deal is and why I can't seem to stick to the diet this time. I have to, though, starting tomorrow for sure. I have to stop it on Feb 1 for our trip so it's time to crack down.
So obviously it caught up to me. Today was no better. I don't know what my deal is and why I can't seem to stick to the diet this time. I have to, though, starting tomorrow for sure. I have to stop it on Feb 1 for our trip so it's time to crack down.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
jan 3.
190.4 this morning. That's -2.2 today and -3.8 overall.
Totally blew my diet today. My friend A was in town with her family and she wanted to meet up for lunch. So we ate at Rainforest Cafe. Love their Chinese Chicken Salad. Had a couple bites of their shared dessert because I felt silly not having any. It was fun to see her. So far this is the only time we've managed to do it without someone getting sick enough to be in the hospital.
Totally blew my diet today. My friend A was in town with her family and she wanted to meet up for lunch. So we ate at Rainforest Cafe. Love their Chinese Chicken Salad. Had a couple bites of their shared dessert because I felt silly not having any. It was fun to see her. So far this is the only time we've managed to do it without someone getting sick enough to be in the hospital.
Friday, January 2, 2009
jan 2.
192.6 this morning...down 1.6
Felt icky again this morning. Stupid cheeseburger (ok, the small bowl of cereal I had probably didn't help either). I'm going to stick to it today and see if that helps my stomach feel better.
Felt icky again this morning. Stupid cheeseburger (ok, the small bowl of cereal I had probably didn't help either). I'm going to stick to it today and see if that helps my stomach feel better.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
checking in.
Let's see how long this record-keeping lasts. At least I know it's not just me who struggles with it. I'll try to write at least a sentence or two each day this year. Problem is that when it comes to writing, keeping it short & sweet has never been my strong point.
Woke up feeling icky and nauseous this morning. It's come and gone. I think it's from eating crap yesterday. Planned to really stick to the diet starting today. It went well until I was out shopping with P and starving. We were obviously going to still be a while so I grabbed a burger and now I feel sick again. Guess I'll have something to remember now when I get tempted.
Did 5 loads of laundry today. A couple more days and I might actually get caught up. Gets so old. I feel like I can't get anything on track in the house unless laundry is on track and dishes are done. Too bad I hate doing dishes and DH is so tired lately. I hope we can figure out soon what is at the root of his problem. He got exhausted tonight just trying to put K2 in his pajamas.
Started oral hcg drops...ordered online and mixed up myself.
194.2
Woke up feeling icky and nauseous this morning. It's come and gone. I think it's from eating crap yesterday. Planned to really stick to the diet starting today. It went well until I was out shopping with P and starving. We were obviously going to still be a while so I grabbed a burger and now I feel sick again. Guess I'll have something to remember now when I get tempted.
Did 5 loads of laundry today. A couple more days and I might actually get caught up. Gets so old. I feel like I can't get anything on track in the house unless laundry is on track and dishes are done. Too bad I hate doing dishes and DH is so tired lately. I hope we can figure out soon what is at the root of his problem. He got exhausted tonight just trying to put K2 in his pajamas.
Started oral hcg drops...ordered online and mixed up myself.
194.2
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