Saturday, June 29, 2013


I'm not really sure why I wrote that last blog post.  It has been on my mind for a week almost, wanting to get out.  I don't know if someone else needed to hear it.  I don't know if it is because I needed to reflect on that confirmation I got and the experience in general as I've felt a little triggered lately by the stresses of summer and the fact that it is now the longest ever that DH has gone without 'using'.  It may also have something to do with the fact that I have been debating whether to take this blog a little more public.  It is a public blog but I still have not shared with my friends and family or on fb that I am writing it.  As I've debated whether or not to, I have found myself with those same concerns that DH expressed about going on the talk show.  The same ones.  Another concern I remembered he expressed was that people don't even get 'it' as a problem and so they may think it is being over-exaggerated or misinterpret everything because they are coming from a place of disagreement to begin with.  How to make them understand that they do not understand it?  He was referring to pornography not being 'okay' and especially to the addictive nature of it.... but I realize now that I sort of feel the same way about sharing my issues with food as being of an addictive nature and realizing that I had an eating disorder in the way I was managing my food relationships.  It is hard for me, too, because I feel like I am still fulling coming to grips with this.  It is still hard for me to verbalize even though it is true.  I still have shame about it and shame about the way I am certain others will view me for it.  I know what the answer is.  It's right there in that other post.  Sharing on fb or directly with friends/family about the existence of this blog means more than just sharing my story though.  It is also sharing his and that isn't my decision to make.  So, I guess, in a way we are there in a different manner again.  Just not so 'high stress' about it.

Friday, June 28, 2013

the time we were almost on a talk show

It was December 2011.

I was driving with my kids out to Red Rock for a spur of the moment excursion.  My phone rang and the screen showed it was my husband's therapist, our marriage counselor.  We hadn't been there for months.  My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach wondering what he could be calling about.

He needed my help with something.  Phew! I seriously had it run through my mind that DH was in some sudden and unexpected trauma and called him instead of me but was serious enough to warrant the therapist calling me.  He was scheduled to appear on a national talk show as an expert in the field to discuss sexual addiction and the couple he was still regularly treating that had agreed to do it had backed out at the last minute.  Would we be willing to do that?  Could he give my number to the producer for the show so that she could give me a call and give me more information?


That was about where my mind went.  Thankfully I had just arrived at the parking lot so I didn't have to keep trying to drive with this shock.  My initial reaction was what I believe it would still be...."I will happily do anything to help educate and provide hope for others."  Admittedly my very second reaction, that I kept to myself, was 'I cannot go on national television looking the way I do' and I was overwhelmed with shame about body and immediately had the old demons of 'people will say it is my fault, that if I were just more attractive or skinnier etc then my husband wouldn't have this problem.' False.  This was why this national conversation needed to be had.

Obviously our counselor understood the need to talk it over.  He encouraged me to have a discussion with DH and get back to him the next day.  However, time was also of the essence as they were supposed to be taping this show really soon.  It also meant that we would need to quickly decide whether we even could get away for a couple of days to NYC.  After all, we do have 4 kids that would need to be watched and a job that would need to be okay with a last minute vacation of sorts.

I still get a little anxious thinking about this.  I can feel my heart racing just as it did at the thought of being on Anderson Cooper.  That's right....Anderson Cooper.  Admittedly, I hadn't seen his talk show at all but I knew his reputation as a news reporter.  If it had been probably any other talk show I would likely have not considered it (okay, Ellen is dang funny and Dr Phil I'd hope would have a good take on things).  However, Anderson Cooper seemed to be more about integrity than flair and facts than show.  So I agreed to talk it over with DH and had already determined in my mind that I would do it.

The 12th step in the ARP and PASG manual says "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do."  This was my chance to do that.

Now, understand that DH had only been clean for barely a year at this point.  There were (and are) still a lot of trust issues to be worked out.  I was at a point where I believed he was no longer using and I believed him when he said so, but I still questioned and doubted.  I realize that sounds contradictory but I imagine you can only understand once you have been there so I know no other way to describe it.

So I sat down with DH that night to tell him what had happened, what we had been asked to do, and he bristled.  I panicked.  Did that mean that he had more secrets?  He is a more private person than I am and I understand that.  This was certainly about him, not me, so I made it very clear that was his decision entirely and he needed to not feel pressured to make the choice one way or the other.  I would support him either way.  He grew up in a home where he was surrounded by relatives and everyone in each others' business.  That's left him a little scarred you might say.  He feels so strongly about not sharing 'his business' that it is, in my opinion, to the extreme opposite...because he has felt too many years of being shamed for choices or hearing others make judgments and gossip.  He doesn't want to be the subject of that.  What person, especially an addict, does?

We were concerned about the anonymity of it.  Was this something where we would be black shadows and our voices disguised?  The answer was no.  I was concerned about the misinformation that is out there and the resulting effect on any future employers or parents of our kids' friends or something.  My husband is not some 'freak' but I know that misunderstanding exists.  If we were to go on this show and share our story then we would be showing our faces and our names, though first names only.  His biggest concern was any of his extended family seeing the show, knowing that side of him, and then always watching for him to make a mistake.  I wondered if that meant maybe he wasn't planning on this being a real change after all.

I cannot explain the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions that went through both of our minds over the next couple of days.

Well at least we'd get a free trip to NYC out of it and a little getaway from the kids.  After all, I deserved at least that much for all the hell I had gone through.  Yup...we both had that thought on our own.

What if we went on national tv to provide hope to others that recovery was possible and it cause some big trigger that then created a relapse and we looked like great big hypocrites? After all, I have my boundary that I will not tolerate it and others might see that the wrong way if I have to enforce it.

One time I spoke up in a church lesson about the ARP program to say how wonderful it was.  It was a few months later I'd found out he had been actively using for the previous year or two.  I felt like a big jerk for having said anything in that lesson.

While we were figuring all this out we couldn't keep it to ourselves because we also had to determine if there would even be someone to watch our kids.  It consumed us for a couple of days.  So we told a couple of family members and friends who had known of our situation (but not really ever been there through all the thick of it either). We had mixed reactions.  One said that they didn't understand why we would even consider it.  One said 'great for you, you're so brave.'  One accused me of wanting to do it only to garner sympathy for myself as a victim and to rub salt in my husband's wounds.  Another said they 'whatever- your life, your decision.'

It hurt to find those closest to us not willing to just support us in whatever we chose to do, no questions asked, and it felt like a little foreboding of what may come.

So DH said "let me go to the temple and pray about what to do because that is the only way I am going to be able to think clearly about this."
My heart leapt with joy that he came to that on his own.  I knew that I had prayerfully considered what to do and gotten my answer but that he needed to receive his for himself but needed to make the decision on how to do so himself.

He woke at an insanely early hour to visit the temple before going to work.  When he returned from work that day he heaved a big sigh but his face was alight and said "I'll do it."  We were both overcome with the same feeling that if we could trust in the Lord to take care of us and let it all work out okay then it would.  We were in agreement that there is so much misunderstanding, within the world and even within our church, about pornography and addiction and the harm it can do and the way it twists reality when you don't even think it will....that only bringing it out of the shadows and educating others could provide real hope for any change on a larger scale outside our own home.  We were terrified and excited all at once.  (I was still very much concerned with figuring out how much weight I could quickly lose in a week's time so I wouldn't be so embarrassed to be seen)  I felt hurt and stung by the implication from another that I had somehow sought out this opportunity as a chance to wave some 'woe is me' flag and so I spent a lot of time on my knees to confirm where my heart truly was.

Thus began some three or more hour long telephone conversation with the associate producer for the Anderson Cooper talk show.  I answered all her questions and told her as much detail as I could (and more than I ever really thought I would to a stranger) about our marriage, pornography, my views about both, how I found out about the problem, his recovery journey, our relationship now, my past etc.  I found that it was impossible for me to share our story without sharing a lot of gospel principles to me and a lot of testimony.  I told her all about the church's ARP program and the role it had played.  I told her we were doing good but that, yes, there were definitely still some trust issues to be worked out.  To someone who hasn't been there I guess a year of sobriety seems like so long you shouldn't even be talking about it anymore and that you are just punishing the sinner if you are.  I feel like having been there I see how quickly that year went by, while dragging on all the same, and how it took that long to even process some of the emotions and issues that arose.  A year is nothing.  A year of sobriety is something to celebrate but nothing to close the deep wounds and establish new and lasting healthier behaviors and patterns of interaction.  We felt like newlyweds minus the passion who were trying to figure out how to safely be intimate with one another again.  That is hard on a marriage.  Trust issues are hard.  So we discussed all this while I hid in my room.  And his hands shook as he took the phone from me to tell his side of the story to the person on the phone while I fed the kids dinner in the other room.  I believe that was one of the hardest things he had done.
When I got back on the phone with the woman she told me that we were possibly 'too well off' for what they were wanting for the show.  They were going to have experts on the show to help some people and she wasn't sure if we needed any more help (ha! I thought).  She thanked me for our time and told me how much she felt she had learned and that her eyes had really been opened to some things that she hadn't even thought of before.  She would get back to us shortly after having the meeting with the other producers to go over the plan for the show and we would go from there.

And that was the end of it.  Just as quickly as it had come it had ended.  We didn't go to NYC and we weren't on a national talk show.  She sent an email a little later saying the show had been postponed because of a family emergency she had and that she'd get back to us.  We never heard anything.  Our counselor felt awful for having put us through the stress of making that decision.  I told him there was no need.  In the end, it was just what I'd needed.  You see, that was the point when I realized this was real.  That was the point where I saw my husband's humility, his sobriety, and his willingness to do anything to rid his life of this beast.  That was the moment our trust began to be repaired in a way it hadn't yet been able to.  Can I say that we are now back to pre-addiction bliss?  No.  That is a fantasy that never existed.  I can say that he is a changed man, and I am a changed (and still desperately changing) individual and our marriage is so much stronger for it.  Although we never had to follow through with that 'sacrifice' or with making that scary step of becoming so public, I do believe that we both needed that experience of determining our willingness to do so and that it changed both of us.

Monday, June 24, 2013

the truth of the matter.

Please be patient with me as I try to work through some feelings I am having.  You know when you can feel something gnawing at you and you know it has something to do with your foul mood, but you don't know what that is precisely?  I have some ideas of mine (that have to do with things other than the kids fighting all day or the lack of sleep last night because of kids waking me up etc) but I need to write to sort it out.

First, I think it's okay to not feel perfect or perfectly okay with things all the time.  I think it's important to be honest about your feelings.  This is something I have felt strongly about all my life.  Maybe because I didn't get enough validation of my feelings and I was seeking it?  I don't know.  I do know that I have found myself greatly blessed at times because of my willingness to not always paint a perfect picture of my life.  There is good and there is bad and I'm willing to bet your life is that way too.  Being realistic doesn't make me pessimistic.  On the contrary, I've felt quite content and happy and just plain 'good' for the last while.  Does that mean there haven't been the moments of struggle amidst those?  Absolutely not.  But really, I've been good and I've felt uplifted and empowered and like I have really just been doing the absolutely very best I can with what I can.  So I guess when I was excited about having lost a couple pounds after a couple of weeks of gaining little bits (which is expected when you're putting on muscle and hard even when you're losing inches), I felt a bit defensive when someone else's response was "I've noticed your attitude was a lot better this last week as well."  Okayyyyy.  First, this implied to me that my attitude had not been good previously, something that I felt quite differently about.  Second, it implied that my lack of weight loss was attributed to a bad attitude.  What if my bad attitude was because of a lack of weight loss?  Or what if I was having a hard time because I wasn't sleeping well and there are countless studies about that making it harder to lose weight and then what if I finally had a week of good sleep, in which I of course then felt better?  What am I to do?  This statement made has really bothered me.  I realize this means I probably need to confront the person who said it.  I'm not really sure how to go about doing that.

Along the same lines... One of the things I love about Beachbody is the fact that they do emphasize a lot of personal development.  They really push that for you to be successful in your change for a healthier lifestyle you need to have a full-bodied approach to it and work to change the inside as well.  I think this is fantastic.  My trouble lies in my religious beliefs and experiences.  There is a lot of push for reading personal development books.  What are your thoughts on this?  By personal development books I think of the ones like "7 Habits... " etc.  I feel like if I am going to be focusing on personal development I need to be doing so through the scriptures and through church-provided ARP resources.  I feel like there's an easy in for Satan through that channel and that I've encountered a lot of people who heavily promote those kind of books but then are so ego-centric.  I need humility to change....but my humility also tells me I need help and is the help in those books??  I know I am in a vulnerable place and I don't want to get caught up in pushes for 'this effective habit' or 'that method of success' that will detract from the need to focus on my Savior as my source of strength and change...because I know that is so easy to do and I know that it would detract me even from focusing inwardly on myself even though that sounds contradictory to what a self-help book would do.  Does that make any sense?  Like I would find myself focusing on following some outlined steps or habits and living up to some worldly set standard rather than listening for personal revelation and simply reading church materials.  I know there is a quote about reading the Book of Mormon being the best way for an individual to change.  Then I think, am I just resisting this because it is different for me and the addict in me doesn't want me to change?  I guess I feel confused and so alone in this thought process about it.  And pressured to feel differently, which leaves me even more confused.  At the same time,  I know that as a wife dealing with my husband's addiction and with trying to understand my relationship in it, there were books that helped me tremendously and that I would not have been able to reach my state of healing without.  With the exception of Healing the Shame that Binds You (which was recommended to me by my therapist as a means of understanding my husband but which I highly recommend to anyone), they were all books that dealt specifically with pornography addiction or some facet of that.  They were much more specific.  They weren't about how to be successful or purposeful or whatnot.

What else?

I feel like I have something very special and specific to give but I don't know what it is.  I don't know if I'm missing it, distracted by other things, or if it just isn't my time.  I have thoughts about things I should or need to write about and then I don't because I don't take the time or I let myself get distracted by other things.  That or I question if it 'fits' (which is silly since I'm still not sure whether I should write more of my experience recovering from food addiction or as the wife of a recovered sex addict or if I should not worry about distinguishing between the two, in which case there is no need to determine if it 'fits').  I am so inspired by some of the other blogs or articles I read or I sometimes read some and think just how very much I can relate because I was there and am so grateful to not be there...and I want so desperately to provide those people with some real hope.  I want to be an instrument in the Lord's hands but I don't know how or if it just isn't the right time.  I pray about it and get no real answer.  Maybe I'm praying about the wrong thing.  Maybe I'm not being patient enough.  I know that I have been given some very special counsel in the past that told me I would be a light in the darkness for many and that I needn't worry about what should be said at the time because it would come to me.... I want so badly to fulfill that (I felt so fulfilled in that respect as a sponsor and when I was facilitating the PASG meetings) because I want to please my Heavenly Father and because I know how 'right' it feels for me.  I hope that this blog does that somewhat for even a few out there.  I know that it has seen an incredible number of visitors (over 1000 hits in less than a month) but I don't know much about many of you and how I can help you because I don't hear from many.  I want to help.  If you don't feel comfortable leaving a comment or if you have a question or a post suggestion that you'd rather not leave in a comment I beg you to email me at halabilly {at} gmail {dot} com.  I don't say any of this because I seek the praises of the world.  I have to catch myself to make sure that isn't where my motivation is.  I just feel desperately like I have something to give or some mission I can fulfill that I am just falling short of recognizing or realizing and I need that.  For me.

There is more.... it has to do with how triggered I am feeling right now, how I am struggling with the stresses of summer on my marriage, how I just ate a bag of cookies without realizing it- even if they were 'clean' ones I made from scratch myself, how things are good and not all at once, how I miss my mom, how the kids really drove me crazy today and I felt like I went back in time to about 3 years ago---which then makes me a little crazy because sometimes those things are also symptoms of some behind-the-scenes-not-so-good-behavior going on...which then can trigger you to be crazy and feel like you need to check and recheck and question trust....or they can just be symptoms of the fact that you're human and living a life....and the questioning of it all makes you a little crazy in itself and leaves you a little wondering if it's really going to always be this way even though you know that in a moment of sanity you feel like it's maybe not and that if it is you at least have a good relationship with your Savior to keep you grounded and rooted.......

Friday, June 21, 2013


Dang, I feel like it's been forever since I blogged.  Having the kids home from school just plain throws all schedules crazy.  Prior to that, I had a cah-ray-zay week preparing for my great-grandma's 100th birthday party.  I had some stuff thrown on me last minute that required a whole lot more time than I think anyone even still realizes and I still needed to attempt to keep my house in order for company coming.  That was a sort of up and down week as I did catch myself falling into old behaviors of hyperfocusing and not eating.  However, I am proud to report that I caught on to that and forced myself to eat regularly and to devote time to self-care and exercise before it got too out of hand.  I was a bit disappointed in how far it went but I reminded myself that this is a journey and I am still progressing toward perfection, toward making my stumbling blocks my strengths.  Having my accountability group most definitely kept me from falling down into that spiral of starving/binging or stress eating because I had somewhere I needed to report to each night and real people to whom I was committed to being accountable to.

So that was a couple of weeks ago.  I took a day at the beginning of last week to recover from it all and then I set to having summer with my children.  I found myself actively engaging in their lives and being present in the moments.  In summers past we would have an outing once a week and that would generally be my limit for all the effort it took or because I just didn't want to be in public.  I don't know if it is that they are older or if it is the change in me, or if it was just a fluke week.... But we literally went somewhere every single day and it was my idea. We had a grand time visiting the park, the library, a warehouse sale, going out to lunch, spending the afternoon at the waterpark, going to the farmer's market, shopping and more.  Every night was one of those nights where I felt 'done' but in a glorious way.  I had decided I was going to really give my efforts an extra push in my workouts and my eating.  I did it and it felt good to stick to that.  I'm sure eating all that healthy food helped my energy and moods also.  Still, I felt like I was different.

I do need to report something big.  Remember when I said I would make it up that hill on my bike by the end of the summer?  I did it!  On Saturday.  DH had said a few weeks earlier "I don't see why you can't get up it now. I bet you could if you really tried."  It was enough to get me thinking.  I didn't make it up the hills on the triathlon in one fell swoop.  Most of the ladies' took a breather here and there.  So who was to say I couldn't get to the top if I just took some time along the way to catch my breath?  So that's precisely what I did.  I'll have to blog about that separately just because it was it's own accomplishment and boy did I have Satan putting those thoughts in my head.  Nevertheless, I made it!

So, guess what that means?  It means I took the plunge and I registered for IronGirl. Oh man, I got such crazy jitters and nerves for it that I had to distract myself right away.  I'm scared and nervous and excited all at once.  The best part though was when I told DH what I had done.  His face lit up just the way that it did watching our children take their first steps.  I wish I'd had a camera ready to capture that look because I'm convinced it will get me through any difficulty in training or in completing the race come race day.  I can do hard things....but it is the support of others, including my Heavenly Father, that gives me that ability.  There was another reason to me signing up for IronGirl on Monday.  It was the day after Father's Day.  For me, that means it was the anniversary of D-Day (discovery of my husband's addiction & when I asked him to leave) in our household.  I've had a lot of projects lately that have required going back through old photos or our 'history' and I've realized how much of my personal spiral of weight and whatnot really was tied to that D-Day and the time since.  It has been 3 years since that day.  So much has happened in that time.  I felt like I wanted to mark the day differently and mark it as my own rebirth somehow now, because it was what I needed.  I thought about how I feel jealous of the commitment of new moms to immediately get their pre-baby bodies back.  How 'if only' I'd done this sooner I wouldn't have been like this for so long.  How I've had it in me all along.  And yet, I know that I needed that time to get to this point.  Some people have big a-ha moments that solidify their testimonies.  For me, I have always received revelation and had my testimony built up line upon line and through small confirming signs that just sort of all add up for me.  I've always been that way.  When I prayed about whether marrying DH was the right thing for me to do, I didn't get some 'yes' answer.... I got several smaller answers that added up to a confirmed 'yes'.  It must be how I learn.  That is why I have to be easy on myself for allowing myself to be fat so long, for allowing myself to listen to others' voices instead of my own, for letting the negativity in, for feeling defeatist.  I can see now that I needed to take that journey deep into the dark abyss to get to the heart of it all, to be broken to the core, to feel myself being rebuilt to be stronger, only to then have the imperfect parts chipped away.  I know that it is a slow process and how quickly the last 3 years have passed when it seemed they never would helps me be more patient with myself.  It feels merciful.  I started multiple times in the last 3 years to lose the weight or to change my habits or to make myself better.  I am better in many ways.  However, the major change in my addictive behaviors requires a lot more effort and attention than I would have had the energy for in that time. I needed the life experiences to teach me things and show me my own strength and character along the way.  

Of course after making a major commitment and feeling like I'd reached a new and positive step in my journey, I would have to face a setback.  That's the way it goes right?  No sooner had I taken the photos below than I suddenly found myself stuck on my living room floor.  Turns out I pulled a muscle in my back, maybe two.  So this week has been far different from last.  My sweet children have been wonderful and largely cared for themselves.  My older children have been taking care of giving the youngest his breathing treatments since he has been sick.  They've brought me food in bed, get well cards, and not destroyed the house while I slept away the days.  Even just half a muscle relaxer completely knocks me out.  I finally got to do a little workout again today.  I wasn't sure if it would be okay or not but I could feel that pull.... that 'ease' of lying around....that little wagging finger of the dark side saying 'it's ok...just come hang out here for a while'.  So far, I'm still mobile (wasn't there for awhile).  It can be so depressing to have your body take such a far step backward but I'm confident that as the injury heals I will be able to give it my all again and the strength will quickly return.  That's how life is isn't it?

I'm pretty sure I was going to write more or I was going to go back and reread this to make sure it all flowed correctly.  At this point I'm just going to post it and be done with it.  I keep getting interrupted and I have children calling my name to make dinner.  So I suppose if it sounds a little strange I can just blame it on that, or on the pain pills that may still be in my system.  ;)  Hope you are all doing fabulously!  

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

a promise

I received a Priesthood blessing from my bishop tonight. 

I was promised that if I would fast on my own behalf for two full meals each month then I would be able set and achieve my goals. 

I felt the truth of that promise pour through me. 

And I cried openly. 
That doesn't come easily for me.  
Thank you.

taking things to a new level

Now on Instagram.  Hoping it'll make it easier to do quick lil updates of the motivational thoughts and ideas I see as well as recipes and my progress etc etc.  You get the idea.  Be back to update later when I have more time for the computer.  For now.....
Image Copyright Hobbyholica 2013

Monday, June 3, 2013

scratch that

There's a reason you should generally weigh at consistently the same time and on the same day of the week.  Your body just fluctuates so much.  Monday is my normal day for that so I decided to go ahead just in case it was better than yesterday.  It was.  I did gain .4 lbs this week but that's not bad, especially since I lost 5.25" this week.  Seriously.  Can you believe it?  That's actually my biggest loss of inches in a single week yet.
So overall I'm at having gotten rid of 4.2 pounds and 13.25 inches since starting the challenge group on April 29th.  That I can live with.

I did my first day of the Push Circuit for ChaLean Extreme today.  LOVED it!  I nearly cried a couple of times and I said a lot of bad words in my head.  I think I yelled a couple of times too.  But taking those stats and pictures that made me cry yesterday lit a fire under me and I was determined to really push myself during this Push phase of the program.  So I did.  My muscles were tired and felt shaky afterward but I felt amazing.  Seriously.  Like a total high.  Better than any food is going to get me.  Also, I felt incredibly strong because I was lifting weights as heavy as Chalene Johnson or her sister Jenelle Summers- fitness professionals.  Maybe they don't really lift that.  Maybe they do it in the video to make you feel better.  If that's the case it worked. ;)  I did a strength training class in college and today I was doing bicep curls at the same weight I recall doing them back then.  I should find that paper I had where I recorded all that.  There is a mental power to feeling physically strong... especially when you feel like people look at you and see someone who is weak.  Do you do that when you see someone who is overweight?  You don't know what's really in there.

Also, just an FYI-  Beachbody is having a killer sale this week only.  I'm thinking I might just load up on a few things.  I know some people who really love TurboFire and the Energy & Endurance that are half off.

And a final note.... I remembered that summer is upon us.  How could I forget right? Well, I remembered that summer is typically a very difficult time in our household.  My husband's line of work means that summer is pretty stressful and that tends to spill over at home.  He was better about it last year.  We did, however, receive some news that means this year will be particularly stressful at work.  It is a trigger for him and it is a trigger for me.  Sometimes we feel like we need to celebrate come September just having survived a summer together.  Sometimes I feel like moving away for just the summer.  It is also when the big bam 'D-Day' occurred 3 years ago.  3 years? Really?  Has it been that long?  I'll have to double-check that, but, yes, I do believe so.  Even still.  It got me to thinking that I am glad that I know I have a support network and some plans in place that will help me get through the summer.  I'm glad that I have a place to stay accountable when I am tempted by stress eating.  I am glad that I honestly don't even feel those cravings as bad anymore and that I can tell there is a deeper, more lasting, change going on within me.  I don't have to dread this summer.  I have something to look forward to.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

30day progress report

Feeling pretty conflicted today. This is the 30 day progress I promised. I have SO far to go that it is discouraging. I remind myself that a number on a scale is just a number and doesn't define me. Still I feel so disheartened to only lose a couple of pounds. Yet, I am down 11 inches and 2.5% body fat using the caliper method- putting me in the average range, despite how I look. I know my fitness has improved, I can feel it when I lift heavier weights and when I run up the stairs without losing my breath or am able to push myself harder running on the treadmill. I know my energy has improved and my mind just feels so much more clear. My habits are changing as are my thoughts & attitudes toward things. I see definition that doesn't come across well in the pics and that makes me happy. Still.... That darn scale. It just leaves me depressed. Why am I posting this? Because I committed to doing so and because I know it will keep me accountable. I don't do it to fish for validation or feedback to make me feel better. I do it because I know I need to to keep myself going, to rid myself of my own self shame, and because I'm sure that out there somewhere is someone a lot like me.  I don't intend to make any excuses for myself.  It was a rough week.  I was sick or something- still trying to figure that out- and so I didn't workout half the week or eat anything but carbs and my Shakeology because my stomach just couldn't do it.  I only felt good when I had my shake so I'm so glad that I did.  Who knows how that affected things today but I didn't want to use that as an excuse.  I know I've lost more weight than that but I typically weigh on a different day and I have a feeling I've gained this week and am seeing the sad effects of that.  I am more than a number.  Still, I need that number to change so much more than it has.  I won't quit.  I can't quit..... because I told myself that I would see this all the way through the 90 days and trust the process.  I've made myself accountable to anyone reading this (which must be someone given the amount of hits this blog is getting without comments).  So I'll just keep keepin' on......

Saturday, June 1, 2013

happy anniversary

Today was our wedding anniversary.  You know you're focused on fitness and health more than other things when you ask for a new bra & shirt from this store rather than another, more risque one.  I'm so in love with this shirt I got that I can't wait to workout in it....and I think I'm going to be hunting around for a deal on some more like it.