Tuesday, October 18, 2005

in the beginning.

This is harder for me to do than you may imagine.  I'm trying to break through some problems of mine and to do that I need to own up to myself and face my reality.  This is a little attempt at doing that.  Please do not judge me.  This is the story of me and my weight:
I've never been 'thin'.  I'm curvy- some people are just built that way.  My thinnest was a year before mom died- 135 lbs I think.  We went to the gym a lot together.  Then I started dating DH (husband now) and gained weight fast- he eats all the time and thinks food should be fore pleasure.  Didn't work out as much because I was spending time with him.  Then mom died and food became a comfort.  I went to college and DH left on a mission for our church.  It was all I had.  But I met with a nutritionist about my hypoglycemia and learned how to manage that.  Mono got me started, that helped me continue..and living completely by myself for a summer allowed me to focus on myself.  I had a lot of self-discipline and lost a lot of weight on my own.  I biked the Provo River trail frequently.  My weight was up and down through school and I now that I think about it it may have had something to do with my scheduling.  But the summers I enrolled in PE and outdoor rec classes and boy was I in good shape!!  Summer before DH came home (summer 2001) I was in weight lifting and outdoor rec- did a 3 day hike even.  Was in great shape.
DH came home from his mission Feb 2002.  We got married in June and I probably weighed 145 but I felt skinny and great.  He's always complimented me tons and made me feel like I look great so that's helped.  Weight slowly crept back on.  I got pregnant a month later.  Gained 50 lbs I think.  6 mo after W was born I still wasn't losing the weight even though I was eating well and exercising frequently.  Went to the dr.  Turns out I had an EXTREMELY underactive thyroid (also why I gained so much during the pregnancy).  Started meds and started losing weight finally.  Too bad it was only a month later that I was pregnant again.  I only gained 15 lbs with the 2nd one thanks to having the thyroid in control and going on frequent walks.  People actually said I looked like I was losing weight. 
THEN the emotional problems came back.  DH's addiction came up and threw me through a loop.  Caused big problems for me that still haunt me.  Since I was pregnant (with #2 at the time) and DH was moving to Vegas so we could relocate- the dr. thought it best to put me on Zoloft.  I agreed to a super-minimal dose because of his kind explanations and the fact that I met almost all of the 'risk factor' indicators.  I was more emotional with this pregnancy than the first and didn't want to take it out on W.  I still got PPD (postpartum depression)- yes, it's real and scary because it's uncontrollable.  The dr. upped my dose because of the hormones after having a baby and because I was relocating to my in-laws basement and away from my family in UT. 
Oct. of last year I quit the meds.  November was hard but I did it.  December came and DH confessed to a relapse.  That's when I realized that every time I got really stressed and depressed, I gained weight.  I gained back what I'd lost after having P and having a contest with a friend. 
So I've fluctuated in my weight about 5-10 lbs since.  I went to the gym a lot, had a personal trainer, counted calories and still was stuck.  Got frustrated and went for a physical hoping that I'd have bad news that would give me motivation again.  Not so.  I'm actually healthier than most.  My body fat percentage and BMI (when calculated by a trainer using weight and measurements) were actually LOW- I've always had a lot of muscle.  So, despite losing a jeans size I still got discouraged about the scale not moving and more or less gave up.  Of course it moved back up to where it was- but I still kept that new size. 
I realize that I know WAY to much about addictions to let this one control me.  I've been hiding from myself in my studies of them and I'm realizing that now.  I know what it's like to break the addiction cycle and the demons you have to face.  That scares me.  But I also know it's possible.  I don't want to be depression prone the rest of my life and I think that facing this will help, even if it means delving deep into one for a little while.  I will succeed and I will triumph a new and better person for it.  My weakness will become my strength.  No more comments on how 'it's about time' or 'I'm glad you're finally doing something' or 'you could stand to lose some weight.' etc.  It hasn't been for a lack of trying.  And at least I still know that I am a good person.  I hate people that are shallow and think so much revolves around looks and sex.  That's not who you are.  I've been trying to deal with the wrong battle.
I've found something that will help me to focus on me and lose the weight finally.  I joined Nutrisystem on 10/11/05.  I haven't told anyone but DH.  It's perfect for my situation with the kids (gives me prepared foods so I don't have to cook for myself and can still eat the right portions, right stuff, and at the right time).  The dr tells me when I talk to him about my concerns about my weight that I need to be easier on myself and I underestimate how hard it is on me emotionally and physically to have two kids so young and so close together.  I'm admitting now that he's right.  I don't think it's that bad but I think I still underestimate it's toll on me.  I'm taking the time now to deal with life no matter how hard and how badly I want to run away. 
The nation as a whole needs to look at food differently.  It is fuel and fuel alone.  It was meant to nourish our bodies...not give us comfort.  We shouldn't be taking in any more than our bodies need to function. 
Please be supportive.