Tuesday, May 31, 2011


I feel so bloated and uncomfortable lately.  It makes me sick.  I don't want to be seen by anyone.  I even cancelled book club at my house this week.  I just feel embarrassed and ashamed of how much weight I've put on and like I can't let anyone see me until I make a change and at least am where I was a couple of months ago.

Yesterday was a good day.  It felt nice to have a good balance between work and play.  We got a lot of cleaning and organizing done but I also took time to sit and watch a movie with the kids and to have an impromptu BBQ with the neighbors.

I wanted to run some errands today but K was up through the night and still complaining this morning of his foot hurting him.  Seems unfair to make him walk around much.

Tomorrow is our anniversary.  We don't have any special plans nor do I particularly care to make any.  I should be excited to celebrate making it another year when i really wasn't sure we would.  But I dunno... I need to pray to feel that 'magic.'  I didn't get DH anything either.  Don't really feel like spending the money so we'll see if I can come up with something to make.

W just said K2 is getting into brown sugar downstairs.  Seems there is always some price to pay for taking time for myself.  That's why I need to get up early.  Just wish I wasn't having such insomnia lately.

Monday, May 30, 2011


I went to ARP this last week and have been more actively working the steps.  It is painful, hard, scary, overwhelming... and yet I feel great peace afterward as though it is a confirmation that I am doing the right thing, no matter how hard.

Last night I had another of those dreams where I express resentment to my mom for 'abandoning' us....or where she is suddenly there when she shouldn't be.  Why am I still having these dreams?  I imagine there will be more as I work through recovery and deal with those deep-seated issues.  I clearly have abandonment issues- fear of abandonment... It strikes me that I eat to make myself unattractive to 'push' people away.... because then there is the illusion of control over whether I leave first or if they leave me then it's because I've done it.  Obviously this is false.  What is really going to happen is that I am going to cause harm to my physical well-being that possibly results in my death at an earlier age (thus making it less likely that others I love dearly will 'abandon' me by dying first).  Yep...I'd say the abandonment issue is definitely one that needs to be addressed.  Hmmm.  I need to remember that God has a plan and will be the 'driver' of my rollercoaster regardless of my attempts at being in control.  Thus it would be better to simply trust Him to direct my ride, knowing the He will keep me safe and that I'll always arrive 'home' in the end... and to simply enjoy the ride.

My plan is to wake up early to care for myself first each day.  I will do that by doing the following: scripture study, prayer, journaling, ARP/PASG step, and exercise.  Then, throughout the day or at the end I will also practice: self-care, prayer, couple prayer, and have an accountability check-in.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

deeper confession.

Tonight I told DH that I have an addiction to food and that I would like to go to ARP group meetings or at least use the manual to deal with it.  I also unexpectedly shared with him that I had planned on leaving come summertime had I not seen progress in his recovery.  That was hard.  I'm not sure if I had told him like I'd thought or if I had decided not to tell him that thought but it just sort of came out.  It was hard to see that pain and hurt in his eyes.  I'm not sure if I did the right thing in telling him.  I have to hope he understands my intentions and doesn't take it personally.  The fact is, I do love him and I do want to stay with him.  What is difficult is allowing him to see my path, expressing my feelings without his fixing things- all while feeling triggered and wanting him to understand that I am triggered without taking it personally or trying to fix it.  I still struggle to reach that state of total acceptance of this 'struggle' being the new reality for us.  I guess because I think that accepting it means giving up the fight to make things better.

Thursday, May 19, 2011


My  name is Hala and I have an addiction to food.  I use overeating as a means of making myself feel secure in my marriage.  For example, I think to myself  "If I don't feel good about how I look (or just plain don't feel good) then I feel more drawn to be with DH because I know he loves me and accepts me as I am.... or if I don't feel good about my body then I can 'hide' from being intimate- or I can use my being overweight as a 'justification' for a lack of sex life or lack of apparent interest from my spouse...thus it 'protects' me."  Of course, these are faulty thought processes.  I only hurt myself by making myself unhealthy and uncomfortable.  I draw inward and become reclusive unless I consciously fight those urges.  It limits my life and my involvement with my children.  It doesn't show the proper love and respect for the beautiful gift of a body that God has given me.  Instead it shows a lack of self-discipline & self-mastery and allows Satan to have the body he so deserves.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

weighing the options.

I have options.

YMCA  $50/mo

Ideal Protein Diet

  • $85/wk + vitamins
  • expensive but effective fast
  • possible allergies
  • balance of prepared, convenient foods and personal planning of own meals
  • support through weekly coaching

Weight Watchers

  • $20-$30/mo
  • online tracking without individual calories
  • I know many who've had long long-term success with it
  • emphasis on variety and moderation
  • flexible
  • on my own unless willing to add another meeting to my schedule


  • $180 up front for first 6mo then $30/mo or $10/mo if pay for a year in advance
  • wearable armband gives real, accurate info as to calories burned throughout the day
  • visual 'real' teaching of the 'science' of food and consumption
  • track intake but easier to adjust to correct calories needed to consume because of the real info on calories expended
  • need to always wear the armband