Wednesday, June 22, 2011


I got on the scale this morning to find I'd gained a pound this week.  What a bummer.  But I'm going to tell myself it's just muscle because I do feel like my body is reshaping.  However, this continual bloating feeling I get after eating is no good.  I know I've made some bad food choices as a result as well.

Monday, June 20, 2011

a little personal.

I have noticed a real difference in my mood and attitude on the days I get up early and workout.  I think I need to make more of an effort to get up early and do some sort of light exercise on my days 'off'.

Yesterday was a big day for 'the situation'.  I put my foot down and spoke up regardless of what the outcome would be.  I knew that I needed to for my integrity.  I was proud of myself for standing up for myself and acknowledging my right to have a voice and to stand for the right.  I got angry and I yelled and, honestly, it felt good to feel those emotions and to express them without stuffing them.  The look on DH's face scared me.  It was one I hadn't seen before- just a look of contempt and hatred for me.  He hardly said a word more to me before going to bed, but I felt at peace with myself nonetheless.  He says today that he isn't mad at me anymore.  I don't need to have him tell me that I was right and he was wrong (though that certainly would be nice) and I can go on even if he were still mad.  I know that I did the right thing and it felt good to not back down for fear of confrontation for once- with the situation and with him.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

just morning.

There is nowhere that we have to be first thing this morning and that is such a wonderful feeling.  After a lot of yelling (that I'm not proud of) yesterday, we were able to get the downstairs looking good.  It's nice to start the day that way and I'm hoping it can stay so.

Yesterday was a rough day.  It was my day 'off' from my training.  While it felt so wonderful to sleep in, I think it made a difference not having that exercise to start my day and quiet time to myself.  I also didn't start by writing like I have been.

My mother-in-law called me just to check in, which was nice.  However, as she was talking about work, it was all I could do not to say something about the situation that's been on my mind.  That really really triggered me.  I know that I need this situation to be resolved for me to move on.  Yes, my happiness is independent of others as it needs to be, but I am not okay with standing idly by while something gets ignored that really shouldn't.

Thankfully, I was able to end the day yesterday be going to a RS activity where Steve Fotheringham spoke.  I always love listening to him.  He was talking about studying the scriptures and finding Christ in all things.  It really was good and it was nice, too, to just spend an hour focusing on just spiritual things.  We are blessed to have access to a lot of really wonderful people like him.

I think I need to spend some time creating some things.  That will help me to feel better as well.  Often, though, i feel like I can't do that until I've made sure the house is clean first.  So, since my bedroom is not clean, and the laundry is not all done, I feel like I have to postpone an activity like sewing.  It's probably because that's just the sort of thing I have to do with the kids for them to get things done.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

so blessed.

I think Heavenly Father has really blessed me and helped me with my training these last couple of days.  I have been able to get up, do it, and recover quickly.  So much so that by yesterday morning I'd even forgotten that I'd gotten up at 5:30am and gone for a bike ride.  I'm so grateful.  This morning I ran (well, walked/jogged) and I had my best time ever.  I also think that my new inhaler prescription has helped immensely.  My chest simply doesn't hurt and I don't feel nearly as out of breath.  Yay!  There is hope.

Yesterday we had an all-around good day.  Everyone worked in the morning and then we went swimming at the Y that afternoon.  The place was packed but K doesn't mind when he is in the water and K2 did really well.  I'm hoping we can go again this afternoon but we will see.  I have piano lessons.  I do have to do a 30 minute swim for my training though.

DH has been really supportive with my training these last couple of days and I am really grateful.  He has woken up early to make sure I wake up.  While I am out he has made the bed and done the dishes.  It's just nice to have those little things taken care of.

I need to do my work on my steps today.  I need to make sure I am doing something on them everyday and remember the 5 dailies of recovery (which I can't remember at this very moment).

There is much to be done but I have hope that it can be done- and that is a really nice feeling.  I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for this feeling and renewing of hope- and grateful to really feel such love toward Him.

Monday, June 13, 2011


I'm up early.  Going to go for a bike ride in a bit.  Praying it goes better this time than the last time.  ;)  It'll be the first I've done anything since getting sick from it.

I had some weird dreams last night.  In one of them I was riding my bike through my neighborhood from when I was a child, only as an adult now and seeing the changes.  I saw the old house at the end of the street where I was first abused and the bushes where my friend who lived there and I used to hide behind.  I still wasn't sure how I felt seeing it and it was like I looked at it longer trying to remember what else happened there.  The whole dream just sort of left me with some weird feelings and I recall even having the thought during it that I needed to go for a bike ride to clear my head of all this unnecessary junk.  Soooo.... that's what I'm going to go do.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

just because.

DH and I had a nice date last night.  It wasn't anything special but it was a really nice time hanging out.  It's Saturday now but he is working to get some extra cash.  He is a hard worker and I am grateful.  I am grateful, too, that we have a good babysitter that we can rely on.  The kids finally cleaned their rooms yesterday just so she could come babysit.  I thought it was funny that they thought it was like a special treat for them to have a babysitter.

Friday, June 10, 2011

an answer.

Yesterday was a hard day.  I felt really triggered and I'm not sure why except that it's that time of the month and I was really tired.  I was awful and moody and my kids deserved better.  What made it 'worse' was that our phone (& thus internet) was turned off and we didn't have money in the account  yet so I couldn't go shopping either.  I know that was an inappropriate response and that those have become sort of replacement addictions.  So it was hard and it felt like having a great big itch that I couldn't scratch.  I wasn't sure what I should do and I was feeling a lot of confusion about dieting versus mindful eating... so I just read my scriptures and then fell asleep.  When I woke up I had the thought that perhaps dieting was akin to 'white knuckling' and that it was repeating past unsuccessful behaviors and attitudes.  On the other hand, simply choosing to eat mindfully was exhibiting faith in the Lord and patience with his plan- trusting that as we choose the right (eat mindfully in accordance with the Word of Wisdom) and work on just working the steps of the program then the healing will come in the Lord's time and the weight loss will naturally follow.  That actually seems the harder path to me because of the long-term trust (in myself and God) required and necessary patience.  And, yet, though I doubt and question if it's just myself rationalizing myself off yet another diet....I know that is the answer that gives me the most peace....because this time I am making a different kind of change and I have hurt myself by breaking that trust & belief in myself before.  I need to apologize to myself, forgive myself, and allow myself to not be perfect... all while taking responsibility for myself and my actions.  I guess that's growing up.  ;)

So I guess I have my answer.  I ate for a couple weeks just choosing to eat mindfully and focusing on my recovery rather than losing weight.  I felt peace and contentment- and found that I lost a couple of pounds each week... So I guess that's my answer.  It was after having a slip that I felt jumbled and anxious and looking for a quick fix- which then led to feeling confusion and self-doubt.  That is not the Lord's way.  So I may not lose as quickly as some others and I will have to be less self-conscious about my weight...but I can seek to have peace and contentment in spite of it, knowing that I am choosing the right and I am healing myself from the inside out.  We are promised our weaknesses may be made our strengths and I believe this is how.

Thursday, June 9, 2011


I'm so incredibly tired.  Just like yesterday (when K2 got up at 5:30!).  Lately I'll be exhausted (to the point of falling asleep while driving just a short distance) all day and then come evening I suddenly have insomnia.  Ugh.  Working on making myself get up though so that hopefully I can work backwards on a bedtime.

I went to the PASG group last night simply because I wanted to.  I felt like I had something to give.  I hadn't been for a couple of weeks and I felt good hearing from one of the sister missionaries how much something I shared a couple weeks ago had helped her.  She did a little write-up on it and gave a handout on PTSD.  I read through the information on PTSD and realized how so much of my life has likely been run by it.  Crazy. I should've gotten help and medicine a long time ago.  But the important thing is that I am now and I am feeling freed as I regain mastery and control over my life by seeing it for what it truly is and turning it over to the Lord.  I was also reminded at group about the need for gratitude journals so I am goign to work on being more consistent in writing in mine.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

oops. bummer.

Really?  It's been that long since I wrote?  Wow.
Well, Thursday night (6/2) I rode my bike for half an hour and went to group.  On Friday I called my Dr because my chest was still hurting from the bike ride as though I hadn't taken any asthma medicine before my workout.  When he saw me that evening he said I'd really messed myself up and my bronchial system was super inflamed.  He gave me a steroid shot- which sucked- and some medicine.  We had been praying to know whether to go to Brianhead for the weekend as we had planned.  When we discovered earlier in the day that our bank account was dry then that sort of answered that.  So I thought we should hike Mary Jane Falls on Saturday instead.  Well, then the doctor said how inflamed my airways were so DH vetoed going anywhere with thinner air.  I'm grateful we got clear answers to our prayers.  I heard on the news yesterday that a woman was in critical condition after a boulder fell on her head on that very same hike over the weekend.  I can't help but wonder...

So any exercise or training has been off-limits, which is a major bummer.  But for whatever reason things really did flare up badly and I did have to spend time in the ER Sat night getting oxygen, a breathing treatment, and an i.v.
So it was obviously a very lazy weekend.  I also found it hard to eat well while sick.  Like I just didn't have the brain capacity to think of good food and to eat...and I just wanted carbs.  So I didn't do as well as I had been but I also didn't do horribly either.  I will weigh-in tomorrow.

Things otherwise are going okay.  I just am really super tired.  I'm trying to get things organized for the summer.  I can't believe school gets out in a couple of days.  I know the summer is just going to fly by and then it will be my birthday before I know it.  I really don't want to be overweight going into my 30s.  I want to have developed long-lasting healthy habits- sort of like my gift to myself.

DH has been doing okay.  Things have been really hard and stressful at work.  He works for his dad and that adds an extra element of stress when things are taken out on him.  But he has opened up to me and told me it has been hard and that he has written in his journal instead of acting out.  Even so, it's like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  There is a situation at work that needs to be handled and I know I will feel much better when it is.

Thursday, June 2, 2011


Good morning.  DH did a nice job yesterday of making it special but not pressuring me to feel the same.  He got me some earrings and short sleeved robes I had mentioned wanting.  I'd planned to make a nice dinner but he surprised me by arranging a babysitter and taking me to dinner at PF Changs.  I got to get my hair done yesterday as well.  I love my hairdresser.  It's so nice to have my hair back to a more 'sassy' style again.  It just feels more 'me' and I feel more like putting myself together. That's so important.

I've been surprised at how much writing in here daily has helped in general.  I feel more stabilized and focused during the day without putting a lot of thought into it.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

9 years.

Today is our 9-year anniversary.  I should be excited about it given that I didn't think we would make it here last summer- but I just can't seem to muster it.  I don't really care to celebrate it and I didn't get DH anything.

Last night I signed up for my first triathlon.  It's in Utah in September.  I'm planning on the fact that I've already paid and registered helping me stay more focused and on task with working out and eating well.  I already made better breakfast choices today.  Weighed myself today.  217.8 YUK! Ridiculous too!  I am going to make good choices and I am going to do a lot of documenting of my life this next year.


So it’s official. I’m doing a tri. Ladies, join me here: Seems like a good introductory one. I’ve been doing a lot of ‘self-work’ lately. It’s been hard. It’s been painful. It led to a bit of spiraling and regaining a ridiculous amount of weight…which then led to making some serious, honest assertions about myself….But whatev, it’s all good. It’ll be a slow change. As annoying as that is to me I know that is how it needs to be for me. Hopefully people don’t make too many judgments about me in the meantime. If they do…that’s their problem, not mine, right? You just never know what it is like for someone. That’s all I’m going to say. In any case, I’m doing this triathalon…and I’m gonna rock it just by completing it.