Monday, May 20, 2013

a realization

I've noticed a theme among the last few days.  That's the good thing about writing things down.  I've been triggered by stressors (I hadn't yet mentioned either that DH had also just received an iPhone from work, and been told an iPad was come- even if he has been clean 2 1/2 years that can still raise concerns), worried about medical stuff, and feeling tired because I haven't slept well.  These have all added up to feeling oh so very tempted and worn down.  Today it was still the same.  I just wanted to take a break from being mindful and start over tomorrow.  Even if I know there is that quote about how every second is a chance to start anew and we needn't put it off.  I am looking forward to starting fresh on Monday.  I am not looking forward to the fact that Monday is when we weigh in and take our measurements in the challenge group.

Then another thought occurred to me.  There is something more going on.  It is just about that time of the month.  It is the time before the time that is always very hard.  Where I feel tired, emotional, and want a lot of bad foods.  Realizing that much is empowering.  At least it is recognizing a pattern.  I read a blog tonight that mentioned how patterns are gifts from God.  They are teaching tools.  I'm not entirely sure what to do with the knowledge, but I have faith that I will figure it out.  Maybe the answers from the dr visits will actually help that.  I know it didn't used to be this difficult.  Maybe hormone levels have something to do with it.  I know that was suggested with DH and his addiction.  I know that white-knuckling it through pms doesn't work. Maybe that's what I started out trying to do and why I feel so tired and worn down now.  What I do know is that seeing a pattern helps me realize that I am not the problem.  It gives me hope that I am not doomed to just be like this- doing well for so long and then being seemingly smacked with a slip up and temptations galore that seem out of nowhere.  I don't feel so tempted to throw in the towel knowing that there are others in the group who have been struggling with the same feeling, even people who are having unbelievable success, and realizing that I am not flawed.  I realize these are thoughts of an addict- thinking that somehow I am an exception to the miracles of the Atonement and the ability to change.  So now I guess the next step is figuring how a plan of attack, a way to success (that doesn't involve white knuckles) knowing the pattern before me.

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