Anyway, so it has been a good day. I have to say that I have eaten very mindlessly because I told myself I just wasn't going to worry about today. Know what? I don't feel good. It isn't a guilt thing at all. It is that I don't make good food choices when I eat mindlessly and my body and brain suffer as a result. I am sluggish and tired and just feel kind of 'bleh' even though it's been a good day. So I find myself looking forward to tomorrow and starting a new week fresh, and eating lots of fresh and healthy foods. I am kind of dreading weighing in in the morning after the day I've had, but what's done is done.
I had an incident on Friday that I want to record. I was very angry with my husband and struggling with a lot of triggering feelings. He did something that was reminiscent of some of his 'telltale' behaviors and that coupled with the general triggering of this weekend (due to some past Mother's Day experiences as well as the fact that just plain missing my mom is a trigger), I was feeling myself spiral. I am happy to say that I did not binge, and in fact I ate all good foods....though it was hard. I did find that I went a lot of the day without eating at all, which is also not a healthy reaction. I was okay in the end though. It was supposed to be my exercise 'rest day' so I had not worked out. I think that made a difference as well. By the end of the day I was just struggling so much that I decided I needed to simply get out and go for a ride. I initially wanted to tackle 'the hill' because I felt angry enough that I determined I would make it to the top and that was certain to make me feel better. However, the sun was setting and it turns out the road isn't exactly lit. I determined that no matter how upset I was I still wanted to see my own children for Mother's Day, so I felt it best to play it safe. First of all, just putting on my workout clothes made me feel empowered. I was amazed at how differently I felt just making that step. I don't know if it was how the clothes felt on me or if it was the fact that I was taking a step to regain control of a situation I felt I had none. So I went for a bike ride, in the windy night, and rode until my head cleared. I went a route I'd never taken before and I rode overpasses that have always made me nervous....not just for the size of their hills but also for the fact that I have a thing about bridges. There is this thing about biking uphill that just feels so much like life. You have to keep moving at even the slowest but most steady pace or you will lose your balance and stop. You might feel like you are going so slow and making even no progress, but if you set your sight on a goal even just the slightest bit ahead you will see that you make it. You do it little by slow little. The long hills that you don't even recognize as being hills are the worst that way. The bigger, but shorter, hill was much easier. I was surprised at how very quickly I was able to power up it. In the end I biked for about 11 miles and it really did feel good. I was glad to have made a healthy, empowering, choice rather than a bad one.
|My mom and I at our last Christmas together. She passed away suddenly 7 months later. Guess I do look kinda like her. :)|