#YesAllWomen

I have some other (happier) things I've been wanting to write about but I think that'll have to wait a bit.  The end of the school year gets so busy with kids!

Anyway... in light of the trending of the #YesAllWomen that I was just reading about , I wanted to chime in real quick.  I'm not on twitter and I feel like it's a bit much for just a facebook post.

I am shocked at how many of the hashtags I relate to and can understand and empathize with.
I don't know why it shocks me anymore.

I find the timing particularly of note as I have been working through owning my stories of rape these last few weeks.

That's right.

The R word.

My experiences and responses to the #YesAllWomen would be something along these lines....

- Because pornography viewing at a friends' home at a very early age put into my mind that rape and violence were a normal part of a relationship between a man and a woman and even something to fantasize about.

- Because a close family member, whose opinion was of high value to me, told me that it was the woman's fault if she was sexually assaulted or taken advantage of and that a husband deserved whatever he wanted from his wife.

- Because when the 8th grader put his hands under my clothes he said it was what I wanted, and I believed him even though I didn't feel that way.
And then when the 11th grader (me in 10th) grabbed me and tried to force things further, he said that I was asking for it because of how I was dressed (a flesh colored shirt).  I believed him too.  I didn't speak up and someone thankfully showed up just in the nick of time, but I showered and threw that shirt away and haven't been able to wear a similarly colored shirt since.
Because the 11th grader said I asked for it by simply showing up, being me, when he tried to rape me- with his friend watching and laughing.  I will still never understand how I got away, but feel grateful that I did.  Because the shame of these things and the belief that I had brought them upon myself, not that these boys were fully responsible for their own actions, shut my mouth and closed off a part of me for far too long.

- Because the trap of pornography teaches men (and women for that matter), good men, that this is what women want.... to be dominated or abused or even just plain used.  They may be so wrapped up in the web of lies that are being fed them and reinforced through chemical responses in our brain, that they don't even recognize the inherit lie being sold.... That we are all individuals.  That each person is a person.  Male or female.   Each deserves to be treated as a human being, not as an object.  Not as a thing to be used.  A marriage does not provide opportunity because it does not mean that the other person is your property.  Marital relationships are not grounds for 'anything goes'.  The idea that a woman must service her husband to fulfill his need for sex or that she must do something she feels uncomfortable with because that is the way to show love, is a falsehood.

- Because people can change and patterns passed through generations can be stopped and changed.  There must be a communication.  There must be a conversation had about these unhealthy attitudes we have been taught, fed, or have been propagating ourselves.  There must be victims and perpetrators alike, willing to be brave and courageous and share their stories.  So many people think their stories are so far beyond hope and so unique to them.  So many stories, when shared, are found to have so many similar patterns to them.

- Because even rereading this I know (or maybe just fear) that some will say that it was my fault....that I was asking for whatever came to me because I'd had that reel playing through my mind from the age of six from that video I was made to watch.  And the part of me that hears the voices of society and struggles with Satan's tricky words wonders if maybe they are right....maybe I secretly wanted it and put myself in those situations for some sick and twisted reasons.  Because even if that was the case, I deserved and still deserve better.  My victimization from a young age at the hands of someone else may have led to further victimization of myself by myself, but that doesn't make me a bad person or an object nor does it justify those boys' actions.

- The first time I went to a therapist she asked me why I was there and what I hoped to get out of being there.  My answer was "I have realized that there is a pattern among the women in my family of being abused by men in their lives and I do not want to pass that on to my daughter.  It stops with me."

Read some of those hashtags and tell me you don't see it too.

This is my story that I own.  I won't let shame own it any longer.

abiding

I've been working on writing out and owning my story.  Not just the events of my life and things that have happened to me, but how I have felt about those things.  Realize that I had to turn off the faucet of emotions for a lot of my life simply to cope with some of the traumatic events and stress that I felt.  I didn't know better.  That was just the only way to deal.  Now I am experiencing those events in a new way.

There have been some unintended side effects.

Recently I had a dream that brought to mind a particular point in my life that I was struggling to face and move through.  Deeply personal.  It involved another person and we are at a completely different point in our relationship now so it felt wrong to disturb that.  However, it became clear that owning my story needed to included owning all the parts of it, all the feelings with it, and how I feel about it still.  So I approached the loved one about it.  I don't know if I was expecting validation or pleas of forgiveness or just an acknowledgment that I wasn't crazy.  I don't know.  What I know is that when they told me they didn't remember or that they didn't see it the same way, my heart sunk.  It was like being that child all over again,  being told that I was over-dramatizing something serious that had happened.  I began to question and hear that voice again.  I have struggled with just not feeling right since.  I feel sad.  Evidently I was looking for something in that conversation that I did not get.  When someone hurts you and doesn't acknowledge that hurt, or admit to the depth of it, it can be terribly disrupting.  You can question whether what happened really happened.  You might tell yourself it wasn't really a big deal after all, even when it probably was.  I found myself seeking out the name of the first offender in my life and looking for some validation that they had some sort of criminal record or something after what they did to me.  I believe I was looking for some validation that I wasn't crazy.

What do you do when you've been abused and mistreated by people over the years whom you will never get the acknowledgment and validation from on their end?  What do you do when that involves loved ones still in your life?  What about when it involves people long since out of your life?  I suppose you own your story.  You choose to love yourself enough to say this happened even if there is no other side of the story to back you up and even if the other person, the person who hurt you, doesn't seem to think they did something so bad.  When you forgive them anyway, you tell yourself that it really did happen and they really did need that forgiveness even if they didn't ask for it.  You are true to yourself in that way.

Still, I've been sad.

to the voice in my head

Hey voice.  I need you to be quiet.  I need to be brave.  Owning a story is hard work.  It is worthy and therapeutic work.  It is scary work.  I have some important things to share and I need to clear my head to share them in the right way.  So I need you to be quiet.  Yes, you...that voice telling me I'm going to be shunned or that there will be huge fallout like the last time I spoke up to a group of what I thought were like-minded people.  That voice telling me it's okay, maybe even better, to just keep mum.  Why stir the pot after all?  Yah, I know you... I recognize you.  There is good in taking a stand.  There is good in having integrity.  There is good in choosing something hard, when it is on the Lord's side.  There may be fallout.  There will be blessings.  They may not be immediate but they will come eventually.  He has shown me that.  So voice, go away.  I need to think and it's not going to be about you.

journeying

I've been on a bit of a spiritual journey as of late.  I've been writing a lot in my journal and doing a lot of praying.  It started out like this:

I was stuck.

Back up.... I was doing well and then I hit a wall.  This great big wall in front of me.  Gradually the sun rose over it and little by little some light crept in.  As it was illuminated, I began to see how I had allowed some old behaviors and thought patterns into my life.  I began to recognize the merry-go-round that I was on and that I wasn't really progressing anymore.

That's when it hit me.  "I need help."

When you work your butt off and then your butt doesn't go away, you begin to think you might be broken.  Even if I had been eating terribly for the past year I should have more to physically show for all of the hard work I've put in with exercise.  And I haven't been eating terribly over the past year!  At first the thoughts were so subtle I barely noticed them.  "Well, you've had a mental change and you've been pretty consistent so that's good enough."  "It must be my thyroid.  Nevermind that I have no symptoms of the thyroid being off."  "Maybe you should just do surgery.  It would be easier and now you know you can be consistent at being good so it'll be fine."  Then they became a bit more blatant.  "You're broken."  "You just don't fit in with anyone."  "You're not good enough to be around these other Beachbody coaches.  You're not good enough to be around anyone now because now you're a hypocrite."  "You're a hypocrite for promoting health and wellness and saying people can lose weight and break their bad habits when you haven't done it yourself."  "You just keep trying because you want to prove something and that's not a good reason."  "It's all your fault."  "You must not be 'good' enough or God would be helping you."  "You did something wrong and that's why your coach isn't really helping you anymore."  "Nobody likes you.  Just your husband.  Maybe even only him just because he's stuck with you."

And then I saw it.

So I reached out.

I contacted the therapist who had helped my husband overcome his pornography addiction.  We had also seen him as a couple a few times so I had a relationship already established.  I sent him an email and this is what I said: " I'm looking just for some help with myself.  I've been trying and trying to take care of it on my own but I feel like I must be missing a piece of the puzzle or something.  Billy and I are doing quite well and I am amazed at the change I see in him, even though he still insists he doesn't feel different.  I am realizing that there is a small piece of trust issue that needs to be dealt with and it has to do with having my own food addiction...if I can't seem to conquer mine and keep failing then how can I trust his change?  That kind of thing."

It is hard to accept that you are no more perfect than the next guy.  Years of faulty thinking and behaviors do not go away as you replace them.  You have to dig into why they are there in the first place.  You have to be willing to go through the muck.  I thought I had.  Honestly.  I had.  But I'd only gone through some of it.  What I realized when we very first met again, and several times since, is that in all of my self-work that I have done over the years, I have made tremendous growth and change and had a lot of healing.  Having more to do doesn't discount that.  What it means, though, is that those wounds and mindsets run deep.  I've cleaned out the outer and even middle layers.  Now it's time for what is left of it.  The core-limiting beliefs that still remain.  Having any remain does not invalidate what I've said or done before.  It simply is there.  That's okay.  It's a journey.  It will continue to be a journey.

I have been praying regularly for humility and I find myself humbled by the blessings I receive and the 'in your face' way that God lets me know He knows me and loves what I am doing.  The talks in church, the articles friends post on FB, the direction conversation leads with my therapist (who, btw, is LDS and I love that we can include that as part of our discussion).... all of these things give me inspiration or serve as confirmation to things on my mind or answers to prayers.  I have made some changes in the direction of some things in my life (more on that later) and I have made some hard decisions in conjunction with that.  Yet, I feel very at peace with it because of these things leading to it.  I have rediscovered my desire to serve and my trust in God.  I am rediscovering my trust in my own self as well.  It's a beautiful thing.  We moved recently and my world was consumed with the chaos of that amidst running our business and a family death.  I can't tell you how good it feels to get back into those things that should have always been there (but to not beat myself up about momentarily going into 'just survive' mode)- the self-care and scripture study, the prayer and healthy foods and journaling every morning.

I feel grateful and blessed.  I am releasing things so that I can get out of my own way.  I am owning my story.  I am owning my weight.  Only when I own it can I let it go, and that is what I am doing.  I definitely believe that our bodies have memories and associate certain events with certain weights (if that's important to you) and circumstances.  I've believed that for many years.   I'm just now remembering and being willing to face that.  Liberating.  Scary.  Healing.  I'm lighter already. ;)

some things I am grateful for

I am grateful for exercise endorphins that remind you WHY you work out! No matter how you miss it or if you know the difference it makes for you, it can be SO hard to start again after a long hiatus (and I NEVER would have thought that it would become such a consistent thing for me that I would notice it's absence so much after just a few weeks). I am grateful to be able to work from home- both on my health goals and from a business standpoint. I'm grateful for effective programs that get it done in 30 minutes or less because I am BUSY. I am grateful. I am grateful for music and the power it has to power you through something and make you push yourself harder than you would otherwise. I'm grateful that I finally got to kill it with Les Mills today, and that after so long 'off' I didn't feel like I was going to die...I felt as great as ever. YAY!!! I'm grateful that when you are fit and may have setbacks from injury or illness, your body recovers so much differently and so much faster than it would otherwise. I used to use that as an excuse to not push myself as hard or not even try- I didn't want to injure myself or push my asthmatic lungs too much. Now I've learned how to listen to my body better (I knew what was going to happen going into IronGirl but I chose to take that risk for the reward) and I've learned that I can care for it AND push it and make it stronger and healthier. It wasn't like starting over back at square one after several weeks of nothing. I am so grateful for that. And seriously...this 'high'....I reallllly love the Les Mills Combat 30 workout.

starting Christmas season early

I see a lot of you posting critiques of Christmas infringing upon the month of November and Thanksgiving. I just want to clarify that I really love Christmas and I really love Thanksgiving, and think that it's important to be thankful ALL year long. I think the stores have gone a little bit crazy, but I totally know they do it because the longer they have that stuff out and put you in the 'holiday spirit', then the more you are likely to spend overall during the season. It's all marketing and I am totally guilty of falling victim to it. However, I want to assure you, that this is not the case with crafters and those of us who make handmade items. For us, you getting a jump on your holiday planning and shopping means a more enjoyable holiday for us. We WANT you to have that extra special item because we know that sometimes makes a person's holiday. We WANT to be able to fulfill all orders and provide as much as possible, not just because it helps us with our own bank account and holiday shopping, but because it genuinely brings us joy to create something for you. We anxiously DO want your business and we anxiously want the holiday memories with our own families, and so it becomes a balancing act. When you think and plan ahead with handmade gifts in mind, it is SO helpful. We hope that you understand that many shops, ours included, will have to put an end to accepting orders and it may even be a few weeks before Christmas (in other words, just as some of you are getting started) just to keep it all together. I hope that you understand and realize that when we post things for Hobbyholica, we are doing so out of this spirit. We do not want to distract from the spirit of family and gratitude that can and should prevail in November. On the contrary, we do what we do because we LOVE it and feel SO GRATEFUL to have been blessing with talents that we enjoy and can share with others in a way that also blesses and benefits our family.

could that be a light I see

Feeling rather hopeful this morning. I can breathe just fine while walking at a normal pace again. YAY! I got in with the ENT this afternoon to hopefully take care of the vertigo episodes. I looked up rental listings and the newest rentals are significantly cheaper than they were even a couple weeks ago. So much more house for less money. One in our neighborhood that is the exact same house we are currently in may be worth looking into....but there are others still zoned for the same school that are larger and cheaper.... Now we just need to figure out what would happen if we found something and wanted to move NOW, BEFORE Christmas rather than waiting until the house sold (we currently have agreed that even if it sells it will be until Jan 1 before we would have to leave and that come Jan 1 our contract will convert to month to month). Keep praying and keeping your fingers crossed that all this madness can work to be a major blessing for our family.

no different than you

I get a lot of people who tell me they can't be like me, they can't put a lot of effort into losing weight, or they can't work out. They tell me I'm hard-core or something. Do you know how bizarre this is to me? I may be training for IronGirl this weekend, but that's because I made a point to do something that scares me each year and this year that's what it is. I don't workout more than 30 minutes on the average. I'm not asking you to be crazy (unless, of course, you want to push for those crazy great results). Just MOVE. Take a step forward. I have to constantly remind myself of this. My body fights me. My brain fights me and tells me to just do a cleanse or other rapid loss diet. But I know from experience those don't last, often cause residual problems like inflammation that make it harder to lose the next time, and they don't give you the lasting inner change that needs to happen as well.

ALSO:  3 months. THREE FRICKIN MONTHS. That's how long I hovered in my plateau. Goodbye and good riddance. I KNOW I would not have stuck to trying, or to trying in a HEALTHY way, were it not for having an accountability group and an awesomely supportive husband. It isn't about the scale, but sometimes it kinda is at least in your head.

yikes

I have come to a difficult realization today. I am still scared of my own success. I thought I had overcome this as I realize it is a silly thing, and that we probably fear our own success because we think it somehow invalidates our 'other' selves. Nonetheless, I have caught myself today trying to sabotage my own success at the same time as envisioning it. Clearly, that's not gonna fly.

good day

That day when you finally get to a gosh dang number you haven't seen in a full year, score a new outfit on Target clearance for less than $8, and catch husband checking you out in said new outfit. Now if only I had a working oven and completely clean house, all would be right in the world. Can't have it all I guess. 

reporting in

I have been struggling lately. I have not eaten terribly per se (yesterday's cereal binge and today's ice cream bar aside). I haven't felt like working out or paying attention to what I eat or even caring. I don't care about doing IronGirl anymore. I don't know what happened. I haven't been able to pinpoint a trigger. Heck, I go back and forth about whether I even care about the change. 

Why do I tell you this when I am actively trying to build a Beachbody business and wanting to get you to join me?

I don't know. Except I do know this: Honesty matters. Those little slips will become something bigger if I don't admit to them and what they really mean. If I am not honest with you about my journey even while trying to coach, then I am really am just trying to sell you something. That's not me. Or at least that isn't who I want to be. I want to help you. I want to change myself and I want you to experience that as well. I want the best me and the best you. I am struggling with caring about that right now, but I know that is still my truth. I know that Shakeology makes a serious difference in how I feel. I haven't been consistent with it this last week and boy can I feel the difference. It has made it ridiculously easier to slip when I haven't had it. Yes, some is mental as drinking it reminds me of a commitment to putting good things in my body. It's more than that though- it is my mood, energy, cravings, thought clarity all being affected. I believe in Shakeology so I will try to convince you to as well. I also believe the Beachbody workouts are extremely well-designed and have real science behind the structure of the programs. I have read enough things over enough years to recognize a common and consistent pattern to proper fitness, and I see it in their programs. I haven't been doing a specific program this last month and I know that has been part of my problem as well. It makes a difference. I'm not giving up because I am not going to start over. I still make better choices and have good, healthy habits that I didn't have before. It has extended to my family who have noticed the difference as I have slacked in commitment. I have been at a standstill with my body for over a month and the physical battle of that as well as the mental battle with the negative voices telling me I am just different than everyone else and never going to lose any more weight or change my body anymore etc (like I said, I'm fighting them)...well, it has taken a toll. I'm just being honest with you all because I know that at the end of the day, that matters. I don't want to sell you something. I want to change. I want to want to change, but not out of feelings of shame. I want you to feel the same because even if I don't feel it right now, I know that I have. I know that I've felt the other side of this and will again if I don't give up. I want to help you feel that too, because helping you helps me. I am so grateful to you challengers of mine and I hope to be a better coach to you soon and more motivational to you all. 

remembering

I have remembered all day as have all of you. I have thought of the loved one who should've been there but wasn't. Of the loved one who had a miscarriage from the stress of the day. Of the untold ripple effects. Of the visit to NYC and PA that I returned from only a week earlier. Of the stories we tell our children and they learn in school, of their parents living through a moment that defined our story. I overheard my 6 year old teaching my 5 year old about today. I listened as my 10 year old interviewed myself, my husband, and my dad about the day for the class assignment. I thought about this rising generation. I have to hope that we are teaching them to be a little better....to have hope and resilience in an ever-darkening world...to find and see the light....to know that they are never alone...to realize that beauty and good can come from all things. I hope that if we can't give them a better or more sure future, that we can at least give them tools to handle what lies ahead with strength, resilience, dignity, peace, faith, light, and love. And respect. We honor those lost with love.

after the fire

One of my kids stayed home sick from school today so we decided last minute to go for a drive to the cabin. So gorgeous. My heart was filled with gratitude to see the beauty after the fire... To see the desert being replenished and to see a place we love safe. I couldn't help but think about how it is with us when we are 'burned' and put through trials, but made ever more beautiful by the Lord as He nourishes us and strengthens us and makes us whole again. Seriously, Mt Charleston has never looked more beautiful.

All images Copyright Hobbyholica

feeling good

Today: paid multiple bills, paid off a debt, took kids to two different dr appointments- including one across town, ate healthy, went to Hobby Lobby & spent way too much on supplies for my kids' campaign posters, went to dinner with the kiddos, laid on the grass in a drizzle, watched 4 different rainbows form and fade, watched a lightning storm with my kids and listened to them play hide and seek and roll down hills as I tried to get a picture of the lightning, read a story with my son, and sanded a puzzle while checking out a new show. My house is a mess and I still haven't finished a fraction of what I need to...but I think it was a pretty good day & I'm feeling pretty spent.

just some fun in Utah

This was my day today.  I rode my bike the longest yet, 24 miles on the Murdoch Canal Trail. Gorgeous!  I would move back to Utah just for the trails.  Then my baby brother went through the temple for the first time and I was able to be a part of that.  Later that evening we celebrated another brother's birthday with a party at his house and my family's first time playing RockBand.  Turns out my 6 year old is awesome on vocals.

I stand all amazed

I can't even put into words how much I feel this. Even when I am not perfect in my relationship with Him, it seems that lately He finds small ways to let me know He loves me and cares for me, knows me and wants to bless me. More often than not it is through other people when I am feeling a little down on myself for whatever reason. You don't even know it, but you are the answer to the prayer that I didn't say but should have.

In defense of my former self

Dear Self;

You lived a life that many didn't see.  One that even you didn't fully come to terms with and allow yourself to see until you were almost 30.  It's time to let it all out and see that it is okay.  Everyone has baggage.  Everyone has skeletons in the closet.  Some have more than others.  That's okay.  It doesn't mean you were bad or deserved any less.  It doesn't meant that you had to learn lessons the hard way or that you were a tool being used by God to learn a lesson you could share with others.  You suffered the consequences of other's agency for many years and didn't realize that's all it was.  You took it out on God, not fully trusting Him, because you thought He was using you.  You were happy to submit to Him.  At least He loved you.  You wanted to do good and be good and so you willingly became His martyr, His victim, His tool to help others because you knew that you would share and be empathetic...because that's who you are.  This was the only reality you knew.  This was how you understood things and thus how you lived your life for decades.  You know what? It's okay.

You were molested.  More than once.  By different people.  They told you that 'you asked for it' and 'deserved it.'

You were forced to watch explicit pornography as a kindergartner by your friend's dad.  The same friend who you used to have sleepovers with and where you developed a nervousness for sleeping with the door closed and waiting for someone to come in.  The same one you would hide in the berry bush with.


You grieved the sudden loss of your grandma that you adored when you were in 6th grade.
You didn't understand how to process the pain.  You didn't want to be sad because you didn't want to make your mom sad and have her hurt more.
Two years later you grieved the sudden loss of a boy you had a crush on that lived near you and rode the bus with you.  You were confused why you hurt so much again.  You were tired of feeling like an inconvenience to those who were supposed to love you unconditionally and tired of feeling like something to be used by everyone else.  You took more pills than you were supposed to of a drug that you reacted badly to in a half-hearted attempt to end your life so you could be with your grandma in a happy place again.  Your friend, bless her heart, told on you and dragged you to the school psychologist...who told on you to your mom....who thankfully wasn't mad or even overly sad.
Two years later you grieved the loss of another schoolmate in an accident you saw from your house.

Two years later, you buried your mom a month after graduating high school.
You wondered what lesson it was that you were missing that you kept losing all these people in your life.

You were nearly raped.  You still aren't sure how you got out of that, only that you remember the boy's friend watching and laughing and the boy saying "this is what you came here for anyway isn't it?" and you thought it was punishment for lying to your parents about where you were going.  You thought maybe this was just how boys showed they like you and maybe you should just learn to like it.  Except that other boy standing there laughing was a big red flag and you somehow came to your senses and got out.

You spent many years having dreams that haunted you and made you feel dirty and guilty.  They were out of your control but they controlled how you felt. It wasn't until your late teens that you recognized it was a replaying of those scenes you saw as a kindergartner.  It wasn't until your late 20s that you understood it wasn't your fault.

After your mom died, you had night terrors where you dreamed you or some other family member killed her.  Your brother accused you of causing her brain aneurysm because the day before you had pulled her over in a low-lying lawnchair as part of a family joke and she hit her head.  You wondered if he was right.  You wondered if other people thought the same.  Even after 2 neurologists told you it was a ticking time bomb and your actions wouldn't have set it off any sooner.  You wondered if she 'left' because you told her in the hospital that day (not that you even know if she could hear you) that you understood she missed her mom and you would take care of things on this end so she could go and that you'd understand and it would be okay. Would she have stayed if you had been more willing to fight?

Your dad didn't talk to you for years because he was upset that you said he didn't love you in an upset middle-schooler fight.  He thought you owed him an apology for your disrespect.  You thought he was just confirming your accusations and should try to make you feel loved.  You were a middle-schooler after all.

The boys in 5th grade made fun of you during the pledge of allegiance, saying you were grabbing yourself because you were already developing.

The boys in 8th grade cat-called you if you ever wore a skirt or low-cut shirt.  It made you feel important.

The boys in high school apparently said you were an amazing kisser and talked about you.  So you found out later from a friend who had kissed you, and then told you that was why.

You caught your 2 best friends in high school trying on your (size 9) pants and dancing around laughing at your 'clown pants'.

You overheard your parents fighting about you being in summer school PE, which you thought was just so you would be able to take art class during the school year instead, and there being ice cream in the house.  You heard your dad liken you to a whale and say that the ice cream shouldn't be around.
In your anger and hurt, you called a friend and decided to try pot to see what all the fuss was about and to really piss him off like he had hurt you.  It was a one-day, one-experience kind of thing but the effect was that he again no longer spoke to you except during choir practice- because he was the choir director and you were the pianist....even though that was the only time he went to church, or at least anything more than the occasional Sacrament meeting.

In high school, you got a concussion so bad that you couldn't remember how to do simple math and couldn't read a page in a book without falling asleep.

You saw your best friend get attacked by a dog right next to you when you were 4 years old.  You felt bad that it was her and not you because you didn't want her to hurt like that.


People told you that you shouldn't be sad.  People told you that you were being a victim and should stop.  People told you that it was all your fault.  You didn't even know you were sad. You didn't even recognize the pattern of victimization.  You thought it was your fault.

It wasn't true.

Self, you were victimized.  You were used by others and not by God.  You had hard things in your life.  More than many can understand in such a short time.  It doesn't mean you were deserving of those things.  It doesn't make you special.  It means you were strong.  You survived.  You, and God, have turned these things for your good.

These things do not define you, and yet they are you.  Being a new and better person doesn't mean that you were a bad person before.  It doesn't invalidate or lessen the worth of your self at any given stage in your life.  You are simply at a different point in your life now.  You are here because of what you've been through but you might have been here even without them.  You might not be here without them.  You could be in a different place, a much worse place, because of all this.  You needn't feel bad.  You are strong.  You are a survivor.  You have hurt and you have tried to take care of yourself and you have tried to protect yourself...all the best you could and the best you knew how with what you had at the time.  You really did try your best with what you had and what you understood and where you were in your life.

I know, because I am you.
And it's okay.

Don't worry about what other's judgments have been or what they may be.  Don't worry about those who've been unkind.  Don't wish these things on them either.  Don't think you willingly took these things upon yourself so that you would learn or so that you would get others to feel sorry for you in an attempt to feel loved.  No, that's not the way.  You've let it go and given it over.  You are a new person but loving yourself now doesn't mean not loving yourself then.  There is someone who gets that, and in the end He is all that matters.

Love,
Me.

struggling with forgiveness

I know that maintaining a clean heart is essential to my well-being on all levels.  I know that I need to forgive to be forgiven.  I have forgiven some pretty big things in my life.  So when seemingly smaller things come up that I struggle to forgive, I wonder why.

I am stuck.

I wonder if I don't really want to let it go.

You know that quote about anger (or lack of forgiveness) being like a hot coal that only burns the person holding it?

Having gone through the 12 steps in one form or another enough time, I know that there is that step about forgiveness looming before me.  I know that I need to do it.  But it is so hard.

My heart aches to heal damaged relationships....relationships that I believe cannot be healed because I do not believe the other parties desire what I do.  I wonder if my heartache is a desire for the healed relationship or really just a desire for validation.  That would be a codependent speaking.

Both I know have been weighing heavily on my mind because of circumstances arising that means I might see these individuals in the temple soon.  I want to be able to see them there and have no ill feelings toward them.  I know that if I were to go tomorrow and do so then that would not be the case.

Help me out here.

The first individual is the friend who said many unkind things about me last year and had a ripple effect on many of my relationships and friendships.  It has been for the best as I have realized how I had allowed myself to be held back by fear of judgement from others.  However, it has still hurt.  I feel like I should have been able to let it go by now.  Especially having found some good from it.  I think I hurt because I will not get an apology.  I haven't sought one, but I don't know that I should.  Feelings and opinions were expressed and though I do not agree with them, that does not invalidate the fact that they felt them.  Still, it was my character that was assassinated.  Why do I feel ill will toward this person?  Or is it hurt?  Or sadness?  I do not know.  All I know is that I am still not in a place that I feel like I could see them in passing in a store and be as all was before- letting bygones be bygones.  I feel like that makes me a terrible person.  Perhaps it is simply that I sought this person's approval to give myself validity for so long....so long that I'm only now seeing it... that it is hard sometimes to really feel and remember that I don't need it.  Another person's view of my worth does not define my worth.  Especially when I have confirmation from the Lord.

The second situation involves my family.  I struggled with whether to write it here or not because I don't know if any of them read this or whom.  I need the help though and this has been weighing on my mind.  My brother will be leaving on his mission soon, which means the endowed family members attending the temple together.  My father remarried about the same time that I got married.  My relationship with my stepmom has been.... I don't know how to describe it.  It seems fine and then suddenly it is not.  And I never seem to know quite what to make of it.  I know we have both been on learning paths and experiencing things and growing in different ways over the years.  The whole blended family is not something either of us have experience with and me getting married and starting my family meant that I was not on the same path as she.  Anyway, I thought things were finally in a good place and that we had established a friendship and understanding.  We have different views on many things but I felt maybe that was finally allowed to be the case.  Then last summer I arrived for a visit with my children, as I had done the previous summers, and a rather large misunderstanding ensued.  I was put in a very awkward situation and felt backed into a corner.  This is how confrontations have frequently been with my dad and stepmom together... a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere situation where I feel like some helpless child in a corner.  I was confused.  Direct lies were being told about things I had supposedly said or not said and no one was hearing me.  I could not believe that such blatant lies were being said by her.  I truly believe she believed what she was saying.  I am still confused by this.  Being that my children and I were not welcome and that my experience over the year previous had taught me about boundaries, I stuck to my boundaries and left the following morning.  I cannot tell you the heartache of packing my children up to leave their grandparent's house after having driven 6 hours to see them for any amount possible.  Trying to determine how to explain it in a way that was truthful but that would not make them feel like it was their fault or color their view of their grandparents.  As no one was home when we left, I left a note explaining myself (rather kindly I felt) and we left to make the best of things- staying with friends off and on through the week until I just couldn't take living out of the car any longer and went back home.  The only response I received from that encounter was a negative one saying that I was in the wrong and owed them an apology.  I still have not figured out what it was that I was supposed to apologize for.  I don't know if any of this makes any sense really.  I don't want to go into details because I don't want to rehash it all when it should be in the past.  And that's just it.... Nothing has been spoken of it since but she has hardly spoken a word to me since.  I feel I should have an apology if nothing else for the lies said about me directly to me.  For saying that I sent or did not send messages that I have proof otherwise of.  I made a boundary that I, or my children, would not linger in a place where we were not accepted or wanted.  Feeling like a burden has long been a trigger of mine.  I don't know why but I recall being concerned with that even as a child.  So I know that it is in my best interest and safety to not allow myself to stay in a situation where I have to wonder or worry about that.  I am sad that my children are paying for this.  I am sad that their grandparents don't seem to care enough to repair this.  I am sad that when my daughter was baptized a few months after this happened and we held off on it to a three day weekend just so these grandparents could come down and make a real weekend of it and spend time with them, that they came for the baptism and pretty much turned right around and left.  I am sad that my kids have asked me all summer long when we are going to go up there to visit like we have every other summer, and I have no answer for them because we will not go until we are welcome....and I certainly do not feel welcome in a home where the person who lives there barely says hello to me...and I won't take my children somewhere that I, as their mother, am not welcome.
And that brings me to the next thing..... As I posted recently, my great-grandmother recently turned 100.  All the family came down and family pictures were taken.  They were really cute.  A couple weeks ago we had the family reunion and it was announced that the pictures from the birthday party were available for purchase.  My dad (whom everything seems 'fine' with, at least when it's just us) commented under his breath that he and my stepmom were upset that they couldn't get the digital file of the picture because they'd planned to photoshop it.  I asked why as I couldn't imagine why....my MIL had snapped a picture of it with my phone so I'd seen it and thought it a very good picture.  I asked if they planned to edit the background or the stools they weren't happy to be sitting on or something.  No, that wasn't it.  It was my brother's hairstyle.  They didn't like his mohawk and plan to photoshop it out.  I was dumbfounded by this response.  I still am.  I think all I said was "are you serious!?" and the reply was "well, if it's going up on the wall in my house" and "we don't want to be looking at that and other people looking at it".  Really?  I feel like as family members we should love and accept one another regardless of the choices we make.  We can set boundaries to protect ourselves but to alter the appearance of someone for the way it will make your family portrait look???  How is that representative of God's love?  How is that setting a Christlike example?  I feel so angry on my brother's behalf and I don't think anyone but me even knows about this.  What if he goes to visit and sees the altered image on the wall?  What message does that send to him, someone who already feels that church members are so hypocritical?  Someone who is already so cynical and who struggles with their self-esteem?  (then, admittedly, I selfishly had the thought of wondering if they would photoshop me if I was 'too fat' or had some other visible 'blemish' that they were embarrassed of- which of course then led me to wonder if all my being upset was really just a reflection of my own insecurity).  As I was talking this out with my mother-in-law, trying to get the perspective of an older person and of a parent, I think she got to the heart of the problem with both situations.... She said "It's like they don't accept you as a part of the family if you don't behave, act, and look according to their perfect mold of what is acceptable.  Since you aren't perfect like her kids seem to be then you must not be a part of the family and so they don't treat you as such."  How do I fix this?  Do I even try?  We cannot change others.  This has been an ongoing pattern it seems....and it is so below the surface that the average person outside the inner circle would not see it, which seems to make it doubly frustrating.  It's like a secret wound that can't be talked about because it only fuels the fire that is burning you.  I pray for my heart to be softened.  I pray for theirs to be softened.  I don't know whether to say anything.  I don't know if saying anything would do any good since it seems I am so often not heard.  You know how quickly others tune out anything you say when they are quick to be defensive?  That is how every conversation with them has ever seemed to go in regards to any confrontation of any type.  It seems that I have always been in the wrong and never they... and that isn't right.  It isn't just me being prideful or feeling victimized.  That would be true of any relationship.  It just isn't possible for one side to always be completely in the wrong.  Not where any love or respect is involved.  Do I chalk it up to they have the right to make the choices they want and leave it be?  I am trying.  I am trying to just let it go.  I am trying to just let it all go.....but maybe I'm not trying hard enough....?  I don't want to dread getting to go to the temple with my baby brother.  Right now I do, because I dread that feeling of being in there with family, and having bad feelings toward any of them.

challenge group and 12 step program

I'm working on a project this week that I've been wanting to work on for a while.  One that I've felt was 'meant for me'.  Something I might even feel 'called' to do.

In our FB fitness challenge groups we do daily mini-challenges.  These are generally geared toward personal development.  There are some physical challenges, but the majority are related to personal development.  They have been wonderful, and key to the change I have experienced in the last nearly 90 days.

I knew that they could be better.

I've done the PASG/Healing Through Christ program (please do it even if you think you don't need to- you will grow closer to your Savior in such a real way!) and even helped in writing the manual for it.  I've done the ARP program (I'll be real with you... I have some to be desired on actually doing every single step thoroughly in regards to myself...but I promise to! that's another post...).  I've also done something called SOLE (Survivors of Life's Experiences).  It was truly life-changing and involved sort of a different version of the 12 steps and a lot of hands-on application of steps and working through things.  It was a program done through LDS Family Services on a referral basis and I feel incredibly blessed to have had the experience that I did, even if I resisted the referral at first.  This has a good little rundown of some of the steps and information that are found in the manual from that.  To my knowledge, the program is no longer in effect.

So my project is to combine all these things that I have experienced and learned and grown from, with the mini-challenges used in this last group I participated in, to develop a new set of challenges and things to ponder and apply etc.  I do this with some other coaches as well (which is really great because we all have our own strengths and weaknesses but all want each other and our challengers to be successful so everyone is better helped and served this way) so it will be up to them in the end to help me tweak what gets used for this group that starts on Monday.  However, I've wanted to combine the 3 programs for quite some time now, even just for my own benefit.  I'm looking forward to the challenge of it and the way I know it will really help me and others.  I have had the whispering to do it for quite some time.  I think I just needed the excuse to finally sit down and take the time to act upon that.  I pray I will be guided in doing so.

sidenote

I'm not really sure why I wrote that last blog post.  It has been on my mind for a week almost, wanting to get out.  I don't know if someone else needed to hear it.  I don't know if it is because I needed to reflect on that confirmation I got and the experience in general as I've felt a little triggered lately by the stresses of summer and the fact that it is now the longest ever that DH has gone without 'using'.  It may also have something to do with the fact that I have been debating whether to take this blog a little more public.  It is a public blog but I still have not shared with my friends and family or on fb that I am writing it.  As I've debated whether or not to, I have found myself with those same concerns that DH expressed about going on the talk show.  The same ones.  Another concern I remembered he expressed was that people don't even get 'it' as a problem and so they may think it is being over-exaggerated or misinterpret everything because they are coming from a place of disagreement to begin with.  How to make them understand that they do not understand it?  He was referring to pornography not being 'okay' and especially to the addictive nature of it.... but I realize now that I sort of feel the same way about sharing my issues with food as being of an addictive nature and realizing that I had an eating disorder in the way I was managing my food relationships.  It is hard for me, too, because I feel like I am still fulling coming to grips with this.  It is still hard for me to verbalize even though it is true.  I still have shame about it and shame about the way I am certain others will view me for it.  I know what the answer is.  It's right there in that other post.  Sharing on fb or directly with friends/family about the existence of this blog means more than just sharing my story though.  It is also sharing his and that isn't my decision to make.  So, I guess, in a way we are there in a different manner again.  Just not so 'high stress' about it.