Wednesday, May 15, 2013

sometimes you just gotta get it out

The day started out well enough.  I didn't get up as early as I'd intended but that's nothing new.  I got my workout in as soon as the kids were off to school and the youngest was at a playgroup.  I really pushed it.  No joke, my legs felt like jello.  It felt so good to be healthy enough to do that again so quickly after just being sick.  After that it seemed my day just sort of disappeared.  I found myself running around from one 'must-do' to another and before I knew it I had missed a few meals and was absent the time to make any.  I wasn't even hungry.  Or so I thought.

That's when it happened.  I had a doctor appointment for some concerns I'd been putting off for quite some time.  I just didn't want there to be anything to deal with so I figured if I ignored it then there wouldn't.  This accountability group and my commitment to total health convinced me and gave me the courage to do make the appointment.  So the appointment took longer than expected.  I planned on it taking some time so I'd grabbed an apple and string cheese.  Even still, it took longer than anticipated.  By the time I was done, my husband was off work and had picked up the kids from their friends' houses.  Seeing a chance to get a few things at the store without anyone else, I stopped by the grocery store.  Good move or bad?  I'm not sure.  By the time I was done at the store I was overwhelmed and tired.  The anxiety of the tests ordered by the doctor and the urgency with which they ordered them had settled in.  I made good choices and bought good food at the store, but by the time I got home from there and put the food away I was done.  It was like I had used up all my willpower and energy just at the store and I simply no longer wanted to make any decisions.  I wanted to eat anything.  I realized I was wanting to hide my anxiety with a distraction and that the fact that I'd had so little to eat throughout the day left me vulnerable and turning to that as an outlet.  Another illustration of the importance of being prepared and taking care of yourself regularly so that 'your cup is always full.'  In the end I made a couple of bad food choices.  But did I go on a binge?  No.  That's progress I'd say.  In fact, I'd say even my bad choices weren't as bad as they might have been....of course, not having the food on hand helped as did feeling too cheap to buy something to satisfy some other need in the moment that wasn't going to last.  Whoa... that's a new one for me.  There is hope yet!


  1. Proud of you! You rode the wave and conquered. Love it:-) Hope the tests turn up answers for you.

    1. Thank you! Amazing how good it feels to hear 'proud of you'. ;) Really...not sure I want any answers. Still thinking I'd rather be in denial or have it turn up nothing. Will see in a couple weeks I guess.


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