Quick lil recap

I know that I haven't posted in far too long.  Suffice to say, it has been an up and down few months....pretty standard for life I think.  I did relapse for a bit I think but I was able to find support again and all is well.  Satan tried to get into my head and make me feel helpless, but I knew that wasn't true.  I know I'm not broken.  I know I'm not beyond help.  I know he just wants me to think that way.  My coach basically stopped coaching and my challenge group had ended and I felt like I was trying to coach some others while I was in desperate need of saving myself.  You can't help others and save others until you've helped yourself.

All is well now.

In fact, I'm pretty darn excited for 2014.

I'm starting up P90X3 and I'm beyond stoked to do this (30 minute) program and to complete it.  I have missed the structure of a program laid out for me.  I could have done better and stuck to another actual schedule after finishing ChaLean, but I used my triathlon training as an excuse.  (Oh yah.... I need to post about THAT.... I finished IronGirl!!!!!!!!!!).  In any case, it's going to be awesome and I'm ready to bring it.


I did the following post on FB tonight and felt it would be nice to just have the little recap here as well:
I wrote this in Feb: "Maybe these lousy results will help me be more focused and motivated with the prospect of being in a swimsuit at the end of this next month. It's either that or I feel it's pointless and doing no good and I should accept this really is the 'new me' from now on (these are the mind battles I have with myself). It occurs to me that this is how an addict feels- that their efforts are pointless, that they are defective human beings, that they can have a little bit of leeway and it won't make a big difference but they get upset when it adds up and does."

Then this at the end of April: "Today was the first day of the new challenge group I committed to participating in. It will be really great to have the accountability of a group to report to each and every day. I can't tell you how positive I feel about this...about it being 'right' for me...about having all the tools I need to have this be 'it' and the last time. "

I posted this in May: http://just4thehealthofit.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-whys-and-hows.html

Wrote this in June: "There is a mental power to feeling physically strong... especially when you feel like people look at you and see someone who is weak. Do you do that when you see someone who is overweight? You don't know what's really in there. "

I wrote this to myself in August: "These things do not define you, and yet they are you. Being a new and better person doesn't mean that you were a bad person before. It doesn't invalidate or lessen the worth of your self at any given stage in your life. You are simply at a different point in your life now. You are here because of what you've been through but you might have been here even without them. You might not be here without them. You could be in a different place, a much worse place, because of all this. You needn't feel bad. You are strong. You are a survivor. You have hurt and you have tried to take care of yourself and you have tried to protect yourself...all the best you could and the best you knew how with what you had at the time. You really did try your best with what you had and what you understood and where you were in your life."

and this: "I feel so empowered when I think of this. I think how just such a short time ago I was acting upon just a glimpse of a desire. I wasn't sure that this Beachbody thing would work but I had a small enough desire to give it a change. I was afraid of admitting to and facing an eating disorder, but I had just a glimmer of a hope that the change I saw in my husband could happen with me.

I haven't lost a ton of weight and yet I am finally able to envision that other me. The fit and healthy and unstoppable me. I see her again. I couldn't find her for a long time. I don't feel that it's like I'm some suddenly different person. I see it more as having been in a place of light for so long that my eyes had adjusted and I didn't see just how much brighter it could be.....I didn't realize not all the lights were on, until they were on. It's tasting that delicious fruit of the tree of life and wanting to share it with others because you didn't realize how much you were missing out on."

and I haven't really written on my blog since.... BUT I feel EXACTLY THAT WAY there at the end still. THAT's how I know this works and is going to keep on working. THAT'S why I am doing what I am doing.

You know what's funny? At a friend's suggestion, I started trying to come up with a single word to be my focus for the year. This year the word I chose was NOURISH. Man, I had no idea where that would take me. So awesome!

90 Day Results

I finished ChaLean Extreme and I won the challenge group I had been participating in that just ended (I'm in another one now and doing Les Mills Combat).

My results?  Not a lot of weight lost.  A lot of inches shed.  17+ in fact.  Dropped about 5% body fat as well.

More than that?  The confidence that comes from sticking to something through the end.  The ability to see a new me in the future again.  A belief in self.  No more inflammation.  Improved allergies and reflux.  Glowing skin.  Stronger hair and nails.  I think I might be able to beat someone at arm wrestling.  A great group of wonderful, supportive women who don't judge me because they realize we are all on the same journey in one way or another.  Better habits.  WAY fewer cravings that have made it easier to make good choices and conquer an addiction because my agency is being restored and I have the support I need- emotionally and physically.  A sense of purpose and a feeling of gratitude for a way that this weakness and challenge in my life can be turned for the better.  Joy from helping others make changes as well and motivation from them as they become my supporters too.

summa-summa-summa-summatime

Dang, I feel like it's been forever since I blogged.  Having the kids home from school just plain throws all schedules crazy.  Prior to that, I had a cah-ray-zay week preparing for my great-grandma's 100th birthday party.  I had some stuff thrown on me last minute that required a whole lot more time than I think anyone even still realizes and I still needed to attempt to keep my house in order for company coming.  That was a sort of up and down week as I did catch myself falling into old behaviors of hyperfocusing and not eating.  However, I am proud to report that I caught on to that and forced myself to eat regularly and to devote time to self-care and exercise before it got too out of hand.  I was a bit disappointed in how far it went but I reminded myself that this is a journey and I am still progressing toward perfection, toward making my stumbling blocks my strengths.  Having my accountability group most definitely kept me from falling down into that spiral of starving/binging or stress eating because I had somewhere I needed to report to each night and real people to whom I was committed to being accountable to.

So that was a couple of weeks ago.  I took a day at the beginning of last week to recover from it all and then I set to having summer with my children.  I found myself actively engaging in their lives and being present in the moments.  In summers past we would have an outing once a week and that would generally be my limit for all the effort it took or because I just didn't want to be in public.  I don't know if it is that they are older or if it is the change in me, or if it was just a fluke week.... But we literally went somewhere every single day and it was my idea. We had a grand time visiting the park, the library, a warehouse sale, going out to lunch, spending the afternoon at the waterpark, going to the farmer's market, shopping and more.  Every night was one of those nights where I felt 'done' but in a glorious way.  I had decided I was going to really give my efforts an extra push in my workouts and my eating.  I did it and it felt good to stick to that.  I'm sure eating all that healthy food helped my energy and moods also.  Still, I felt like I was different.

I do need to report something big.  Remember when I said I would make it up that hill on my bike by the end of the summer?  I did it!  On Saturday.  DH had said a few weeks earlier "I don't see why you can't get up it now. I bet you could if you really tried."  It was enough to get me thinking.  I didn't make it up the hills on the triathlon in one fell swoop.  Most of the ladies' took a breather here and there.  So who was to say I couldn't get to the top if I just took some time along the way to catch my breath?  So that's precisely what I did.  I'll have to blog about that separately just because it was it's own accomplishment and boy did I have Satan putting those thoughts in my head.  Nevertheless, I made it!

So, guess what that means?  It means I took the plunge and I registered for IronGirl. Oh man, I got such crazy jitters and nerves for it that I had to distract myself right away.  I'm scared and nervous and excited all at once.  The best part though was when I told DH what I had done.  His face lit up just the way that it did watching our children take their first steps.  I wish I'd had a camera ready to capture that look because I'm convinced it will get me through any difficulty in training or in completing the race come race day.  I can do hard things....but it is the support of others, including my Heavenly Father, that gives me that ability.  There was another reason to me signing up for IronGirl on Monday.  It was the day after Father's Day.  For me, that means it was the anniversary of D-Day (discovery of my husband's addiction & when I asked him to leave) in our household.  I've had a lot of projects lately that have required going back through old photos or our 'history' and I've realized how much of my personal spiral of weight and whatnot really was tied to that D-Day and the time since.  It has been 3 years since that day.  So much has happened in that time.  I felt like I wanted to mark the day differently and mark it as my own rebirth somehow now, because it was what I needed.  I thought about how I feel jealous of the commitment of new moms to immediately get their pre-baby bodies back.  How 'if only' I'd done this sooner I wouldn't have been like this for so long.  How I've had it in me all along.  And yet, I know that I needed that time to get to this point.  Some people have big a-ha moments that solidify their testimonies.  For me, I have always received revelation and had my testimony built up line upon line and through small confirming signs that just sort of all add up for me.  I've always been that way.  When I prayed about whether marrying DH was the right thing for me to do, I didn't get some 'yes' answer.... I got several smaller answers that added up to a confirmed 'yes'.  It must be how I learn.  That is why I have to be easy on myself for allowing myself to be fat so long, for allowing myself to listen to others' voices instead of my own, for letting the negativity in, for feeling defeatist.  I can see now that I needed to take that journey deep into the dark abyss to get to the heart of it all, to be broken to the core, to feel myself being rebuilt to be stronger, only to then have the imperfect parts chipped away.  I know that it is a slow process and how quickly the last 3 years have passed when it seemed they never would helps me be more patient with myself.  It feels merciful.  I started multiple times in the last 3 years to lose the weight or to change my habits or to make myself better.  I am better in many ways.  However, the major change in my addictive behaviors requires a lot more effort and attention than I would have had the energy for in that time. I needed the life experiences to teach me things and show me my own strength and character along the way.  

Of course after making a major commitment and feeling like I'd reached a new and positive step in my journey, I would have to face a setback.  That's the way it goes right?  No sooner had I taken the photos below than I suddenly found myself stuck on my living room floor.  Turns out I pulled a muscle in my back, maybe two.  So this week has been far different from last.  My sweet children have been wonderful and largely cared for themselves.  My older children have been taking care of giving the youngest his breathing treatments since he has been sick.  They've brought me food in bed, get well cards, and not destroyed the house while I slept away the days.  Even just half a muscle relaxer completely knocks me out.  I finally got to do a little workout again today.  I wasn't sure if it would be okay or not but I could feel that pull.... that 'ease' of lying around....that little wagging finger of the dark side saying 'it's ok...just come hang out here for a while'.  So far, I'm still mobile (wasn't there for awhile).  It can be so depressing to have your body take such a far step backward but I'm confident that as the injury heals I will be able to give it my all again and the strength will quickly return.  That's how life is isn't it?

I'm pretty sure I was going to write more or I was going to go back and reread this to make sure it all flowed correctly.  At this point I'm just going to post it and be done with it.  I keep getting interrupted and I have children calling my name to make dinner.  So I suppose if it sounds a little strange I can just blame it on that, or on the pain pills that may still be in my system.  ;)  Hope you are all doing fabulously!  

a promise

I received a Priesthood blessing from my bishop tonight. 

I was promised that if I would fast on my own behalf for two full meals each month then I would be able set and achieve my goals. 

I felt the truth of that promise pour through me. 

And I cried openly. 

That doesn't come easily for me.  

Thank you.

biking.

I live right off Decatur in Las Vegas and it ends at the shooting range. At some point in time I got it in my head that I was going to bike to the very end of Decatur- the very top of the hill. No idea why. It taunts me whenever I see it. I gave it a go last year just to see where I could get. This guy (serious cyclist) passed me up and back like it was no big deal. Made me mad. :) I injured my hip the next day, possibly from overdoing it that day. Today was the first I gave that route a go again since then. I've put it off for fear of hurting my hip again and having to stop all exercise. 

So I rode with my kids to school today and while my son was at speech therapy I rode over to try. I ran out of time (and I wouldn't have gone much further anyway) but I did make it somewhat further than last time. To the entrance and through the roundabout before heading back. If you look real close you can see the end of the road and the furthest red building. I'm going to get up there by the end of summer. Mark my words. It was between 7 & 8 miles that I did today. I prefer to do 8 or more when I bike. But what you can't really see in the pic is there is a serious dip & thus extra hill in there that I stuck with. I have a love/hate relationship with biking hills. In order to protect your heart muscle (and my asthmatic lungs) you have to be in a looser gear and be pedaling more. It feels so much like you are pedaling so fast and not going anywhere because there are so many rotations to make movement. When I did my tri the bike went up to the Kennecott Copper mines in the SLC valley. I stopped frequently for little breaks and was amazed how quickly I could recover after even just 30 seconds. Going up that forever hill felt like such an analogy of life- slow and steady is the only way to make it and it so often seems you're making no progress at all until you stop to turn around and see how far you've really come and the mountain you've climbed.

visual motivation

It's important to have visual motivation around you to remind you of the goals you have set.  I have put this off with excuses like "I don't want friends or neighbors to see old pictures of me and how thin I used to be" or "I don't want my kids to put too much emphasis on body image."  In the end, though, it is only hurting myself and keeping me from maintaining focus.  Really, this is true of any goal or ideal.  Have you ever tried taking a picture of your kids' room when it was completely clean and perfect and posting it in their room?  It works pretty darn well as a regular reminder and motivator without you needing to say anything.

So here is a little about these pictures:

• At the top left is me with my good friend A who is a professional triathlete. She is a rockstar mom who has motivated me a lot and who I admire for pushing herself past an eating disorder and a back disorder. 
• Next is me (in black) at about 20lbs less than I am now. I look at it and think, 'hey I look pretty good' even though I know that most would be aghast at what the scale still said then. It reminds me that I may have a long way to go but that small start makes a huge difference. 
• In the white shirt and hat is a candid shot taken by one of my kids. I don't want to be afraid of them taking pictures of me. 
• Below that was a 'simulation' my brother did for me when I did Nutrisystem when I was halfway to my goal & showing what I'd look like at goal. 
• The one with my sister is at her wedding (2 months after my last was born)--- there may be some more family weddings coming in the very near future and I want to know that I look my best. 
• In the swimsuit is another candid shot taken by one of my kids. What swimsuit picture isn't motivation? 
• The paddleboat is because we will probably be going to Lake Las Vegas at the end of summer and that is where it was taken. It means hanging out poolside. 
• The picture below with all our family at my daughter's baptism.... Well, that was last Labor Day. We have a big family reunion coming up in July and it will be the first that a lot of them will see me since then. I want to look noticeably better. That and at my Great-Grandma's 100th bday party on June 8th (*which is what the pic of her at her 90th is for). 
• Next to that is my main supporters.... my husband (when we were dating in HS) and my mom, who passed away not long after this picture but who I know is my cheerleader from the other side. We used to go to the gym together regularly and that was a favorite thing for me as a teenager.
• Ok... So then there is me holding the Olympic torch. No, I didn't run with it, but it was a pretty amazing feeling just holding it.  I think of the amazing feeling of those athletes pushing themselves to their best.
• There's another more 'full' picture of me in a swimsuit. I had lost weight on HCG prior and when I see this picture I think how it doesn't take much to look so much better but then I also see how flabby and loose my skin is- so that reminds me that I'm not looking to just drop a bunch quickly. 
• I have a couple pictures on my board of me pregnant to remind myself that I do NOT look pregnant even though I might think I do. 
• I have the Triathamom logo and me with my 'medal' as a reminder of things I have put my mind to and done...that I CAN do hard things and not to listen to anyone else say otherwise. And because I want to do the race again and knock my prior time out of the park. 
• In the white shirt was when I was about halfway to my goal weight on NS. 
• Above that is 2 of my oldest kids with their Kids Rock Marathon medals. We mostly did it together but I'd love to be able to do more of something like that with them. I don't want them to 'beat me' even if they're younger. ;) 
• The main picture on the bottom was taken 2 days before I found out I was pregnant with #3. I was 15lbs from goal...my lowest weight ever that I can recall. That's the person I know is in me...and that confidence in front of the camera. I remember telling my husband to take a picture of me because I wanted to record how awesome I felt. 
• There is a picture of me laying on a hippo statue and saying "I'm not a hippo anymore". My husband thought I was just joking around but he didn't realize how much of that sentiment felt true- how much I'd felt like a hippo. I want that back. 
• Above that is my family and I when I was a kid with Chuck Norris. He is an old family friend. It reminds me of youth and determination and of the karate family I am embarrassed to be around in my current state but want to go back to. 
• Next to that is me with the boogie board a month ago. I have been making myself do things that I might otherwise not because of my weight in the name of refusing to stop living my life anymore. Boogie boarding did not go well and I am convinced it will be better at the end of summer after this challenge that I am doing. 
• There are a couple other little pictures in there that remind me of the hiking I love (and the progress I'd made at losing 25 lbs- which is now 30 to go :S ) and of my upcoming family reunion.

food for thought.

Sometimes when I do my scripture study I will go through the random manuals and other resources found in the Gospel Library app.  Tonight I happened upon a church publication called "God Loveth His Children."  It's excellent and worth reading imho even if what it is addressing is not your struggle.  I mention it because there was one very particular part that stood out to me.  I need to put it on my wall or, at the very least, my fridge.  It's so appropriate for my focus on the word 'nourish' for the year:

"You will be most successful in controlling your life as you constantly nourish your spirit.  Avoiding food for prolonged periods, followed by excessively large meals, will not maintain physical health.  Likewise, feeding your spirit sporadically, even in large proportions, will not yield the same result as constantly, daily nourishing your spirit."

nourish.

Nourish. 

This is my word I am focusing on this year. It is about more than eating healthy foods. It is about also nourishing the mind and spirit. It is recognizing that my foul mood tonight is the result of not just less than ideal food choices during the day, but of not having taken time to fill my own cup for too long... It is admitting that it isn't others' responsibility to make sure those needs of mine are met and that feelings of inadequacy, under-appreciation, or going in circles are more often attempts at placing outward blame on our own self-neglect. It is feeling embarrassed and angry and frustrated at even having to admit that, and grateful to be able to recognize it, name it, and move forward from it all at the same time. It is allowing yourself to not be perfect and allowing others the same. It is stepping out of the hamster wheel without guilt. It is saying "this is what I need- from you- from myself" and going after it because you choose to nourish yourself. It is easy and it is hard. Some days it is far harder than others. Gratitude for 'eyes to see' makes it easier.

a look back at 2010.

It was a hard year for a lot of people, ourselves included. As I thought back on 2010 I realized just how much of it seemed to have been spent at doctor’s offices, in bed, or at therapy appointments… all for me. I am grateful that my children were largely healthy for the year (aside from K getting his tonsils out and having a large mole removed from his back, P breaking her arm and needing a lot of miserable skin treatments for other problems, and Kyle getting tubes in his ears). I am not sure how we would have juggled much more. I think I went to the grocery store maybe 6 times during the year. I’m grateful I had a good store of food storage to use and a husband who could pick up some things here and there. January started with my wisdom teeth coming out, getting horribly infected, then getting braces on before they were even fully healed. By the end of February I was having serious vertigo problems that were leaving me largely bedridden for days at a time. It took over a month before an ENT finally determined that I had gotten a minor traumatic brain injury and damaged my otolith (something in your inner ear) back when I had fallen and hit my head on the stairs in October (also the reason for the braces, to realign my messed up bite). So it was that in either March or April I began physical therapy at the Werner Institute. It was a long, painful, sometimes sickening process as I had to have multiple epiley maneuvers and experienced many setbacks. I went twice a week for an hour every single week until the beginning of September. What a blessing it is to move around normally! To be able to ride in a car (or even drive), especially at night, without feeling like you’re going to throw up… to be able to pick something up off the ground or turn side to side without feeling like you’re going to either throw up or fall over… to be able to feel awake and not worn out from your brain working overtime just to keep you upright. I still experience the effects if I get worn down, overly stressed, or sick…but it’s not nearly as bad and I even find myself grateful for a very clear signal from my body that forces me to stop everything and just rest. I went straight from physical therapy to being involved in a wonderful 12-week therapy group called SOLE (Survivors of Life Experiences). That ended at Thanksgiving and we filled the last month of the year with appointments as we had met our deductibles.

While it seems that much of the year was spent in a fog I realized that it was a year of tremendous growth and lessons learned. I learned much about humility and patience. I gained much more of these attributes than I ever honestly thought I’d have. I learned that when something heals wrong you have to break it to fix it the right way. This is often incredibly painful. Even though we have the remarkable ability of adapting to cope and survive, it doesn’t mean that those mechanisms we develop are the best for us and at some point we must examine and correct where needed. I learned that my Heavenly Father loves me for me and that He loves me for my imperfections…that I do not need to be perfect to receive His love and approval. I learned that if we pray for a change of heart and for humility, we will surely receive… That it does not have to be a heart-wrenching experience as we feel pride crushed, but rather it is an opening experience as we are better able to receive the Lord in our lives and feel His presence more than ever. I learned how to just let things go. I experienced a powerful Priesthood blessing from someone unaware of my circumstance that gave me unmeasured blessings and showed me just how much my Heavenly Father truly is aware of my every need, often even before I am. I experienced many answers to prayers as I received confirmation from multiple sources… giving me greater confidence in myself and my ability to receive personal revelation. I was blessed to be able to see others through the eyes of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and to glimpse the love they feel for us. I learned how much I need others and yet how much I don’t…how very capable I am. I learned to experience peace and joy in the midst of chaos and imperfect circumstances. I grew…and I am grateful.

Also, I found this list that I had made at the beginning of 2010. I prefer to make ‘affirmations’ rather than goals and see how many come to pass. My health issues threw a wrench into a few things but I’m pretty happy with where I ended up. Here is the list I’d made:

In 2010 I will:

- Read at least 20 books Done

- Finish rereading the Book of Mormon Done

- Take a name to the temple Done

- Lose all this baby weight (and yes, I’m still going to call it that even though my baby will turn 2 this year), slowly but surely so that it stays off uhhh….yeahhhh…

- Go on a hike each month was getting done until I could no longer hike as the walking made me dizzy and nauseous 

- Pay off AT LEAST one or two creditors Done

- Attend the temple each month Done (minus Dec  but I was going weekly for a few months so that must count)

- Be more provident by preparing my own mixes for ready-use Done

- Learn to can (no, not can-can) I made some jam that didn’t really set and I canned some dry mixes, does that count?

- Teach Will and Pammie to play piano uhhhh

- Paint something Done

- Focus each day not on making my house clean, but instead on helping it be more clean more often Done

- Take one photo each day to document what our life is like This went out the door as soon as I spent a full week unable to even get out of bed without help to go to the bathroom.

So I’m pretty satisfied with it. This year’s list looks something like this:

In 2011 I will:

- Finish reading the New Testament

- Read 20 books again

- Attend the temple monthly

- Pray daily

- Pay off at least another two creditors

- Write a letter to someone each month

- Document our lives (whether it be regular blogging, daily pics, journaling…dunno)

- Have regular one-on-one time with each of my kids

- Spend 5 hours a week in personal meditation, reflection, scripture study etc as challenged by our Stake President

- Get my kids all doing regular chores

- Lose at least 20 pounds….preferrably all the rest I have to lose as well

- Live within a budget and record finances

- ‘DeJunk’ weekly

- Go on at least 6 hikes

- Go camping

- Sew each kid a pair of pajama pants and myself a full outfit

- Update the favorites recipe book I compiled

resolved.

Who doesn’t make resolutions at the beginning of every year?  I’m not even a fan of them but I find myself thinking about them each New Year’s.  This year I decided to take a cue from something my high school art teacher taught us.  I didn’t just set goals, I resolved to do things.  I’m not making a list of things of things that I hope to be able to accomplish this year.  Instead I’m making a list of things I will do this year and putting it out there to happen.  So here goes.

In 2010 I will:

- Read at least 20 books (I’m currently on numbers 6 and 7)

- Finish rereading the Book of Mormon

- Take a name to the temple (it’s all ready now…just needs to be done)

- Lose all this baby weight (and yes, I’m still going to call it that even though my baby will turn 2 this year), slowly but surely so that it stays off

- Go on a hike each month

- Pay off AT LEAST one or two creditors

- Attend the temple each month

- Be more provident by preparing my own mixes for ready-use (done at least once now)

- Learn to can (no, not can-can)

- Teach W & P to play piano

- Paint something

- Focus each day not on making my house clean, but instead on helping it be more clean more often

- Take one photo each day to document what our life is like  (ok- I was doing this but find that it’s hard to do when I’m sick so I am actually missing some and am really bugged by this)