Monday, April 29, 2013

an exciting new start

Today was the first day of the new challenge group I committed to participating in.  It will be really great to have the accountability of a group to report to each and every day.  I can't tell you how positive I feel about this...about it being 'right' for me...about having all the tools I need to have this be 'it' and the last time.

Today we wrote introductions to ourselves.  This is what I wrote.  I am committed to full honesty because I know that is the only way I will heal myself.  I cannot be honest with myself if I am not fully honest about myself with others.

Hi, my name is Heather and I'm addicted to food. Ok, not exactly the way you think. I have a problem with binge eating. I will frequently undereat, especially when working out, and then binge. I self-sabotage and self-medicate with food. These aren't easy to admit and they are why I know that a major major part of my challenge is mental. My husband is a recovered/recovering addict and for a year I facilitated a support group for the wives of addicts. It was in my own journey through that year and a half of attending these meetings that I recognized my own patterns of addictive behaviors and attitudes toward food. I know I can change because I've seen such a true, honest, and big change in my husband. I've gotten better and I've done better but I still frequently struggle. On the whole I eat pretty well. I am allergic to propylene glycol and it's found in a lot of processed foods so that keeps me eating fairly clean. However, when I am 'triggered' I eat so poorly. 
Think of it this way.... I've noticed sometimes that I will be doing great losing weight on my own and then something will happen in my life that I have no control over and I feel angry or hurt. I will eat to cover that up because I'd rather feel the pain in my stomach and be mad at myself than whatever other negative feeling I'm having. It's so dumb but it's the truth. I've spent a lot of time and energy helping my husband overcome his addiction and it's my time for me now. He understands how I feel and what my struggles are, but I feel like he still doesn't know HOW to help me. Partly because he is a guy, partly because he doesn't even know the extent of my prayers and patience etc on his behalf. That's why I need a support group. I have a lot of family members who are pretty critical of my weight or toxic in their relationships so they aren't a viable support group for me. 

Consistency is my primary downfall and I'm really looking forward to the accountability of this group helping me break that bad habit. I recently did P90X for 2 months and really loved it. I loved how it made me feel and how I felt while doing it, and yet some days it was still really a struggle to get myself to do it. I got injured and sick and so I didn't do it for a couple weeks. Then I went on a week-long vacation..... Now it's been a month since that and I just need to get back into gear!
As for the rest about me.... I'm 31 and I have 4 kids. I had 5 pregnancies in 5 years and it really did a number on my body. My kids are 16 months apart with a 2 year gap between the two sets. My youngest will be 5 in a couple of weeks. I did lose 60lbs between the two sets of kids by doing Nutrisystem and eating right came very naturally by that point. I was 15lbs from my goal when I got pregnant with K and K2 was shortly behind. That person feels so long ago and has felt so impossible to be again. I just can't afford Nutrisystem again and I also see how much is a mental thing that I need to overcome on my own- not just by using prepackaged food (though that did make it easier to focus on healing that part of myself because I didn't have to put so much energy into making decisions about what to eat or prepping food). The weight largely crept back on with those last pregnancies of mine. Kid #3 (K) had health issues that were really stressful to me. Kid #4 was a back to back pregnancy so I hadn't lost weight from the one before. That's where it really came on & my thyroid went really downhill. Then I had an unexpected pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage and a serious injury that left me depressed and unable to exercise (or even move much) for over a year's time. I know what a blessing it is for me to even be able to move and I want to take advantage of that and remember what a gift it is. 
I am going to do ChaLean Extreme for this challenge just to do something different. I'll buy myself a new outfit for completing the challenge and my goal is to be in ONEderland. I NEED that. I have been yo-yoing above it for way too long and I know that once I just break past that I will be on fire. Something has always seemed to happen to 'keep' me from it- whether out of my control or because I have sabotaged myself. Don't let me do that again.
oh... And I also tend to write WAY too much. ;)

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