Sunday, May 22, 2011

deeper confession.

Tonight I told DH that I have an addiction to food and that I would like to go to ARP group meetings or at least use the manual to deal with it.  I also unexpectedly shared with him that I had planned on leaving come summertime had I not seen progress in his recovery.  That was hard.  I'm not sure if I had told him like I'd thought or if I had decided not to tell him that thought but it just sort of came out.  It was hard to see that pain and hurt in his eyes.  I'm not sure if I did the right thing in telling him.  I have to hope he understands my intentions and doesn't take it personally.  The fact is, I do love him and I do want to stay with him.  What is difficult is allowing him to see my path, expressing my feelings without his fixing things- all while feeling triggered and wanting him to understand that I am triggered without taking it personally or trying to fix it.  I still struggle to reach that state of total acceptance of this 'struggle' being the new reality for us.  I guess because I think that accepting it means giving up the fight to make things better.

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