changing.

I went to ARP this last week and have been more actively working the steps.  It is painful, hard, scary, overwhelming... and yet I feel great peace afterward as though it is a confirmation that I am doing the right thing, no matter how hard.

Last night I had another of those dreams where I express resentment to my mom for 'abandoning' us....or where she is suddenly there when she shouldn't be.  Why am I still having these dreams?  I imagine there will be more as I work through recovery and deal with those deep-seated issues.  I clearly have abandonment issues- fear of abandonment... It strikes me that I eat to make myself unattractive to 'push' people away.... because then there is the illusion of control over whether I leave first or if they leave me then it's because I've done it.  Obviously this is false.  What is really going to happen is that I am going to cause harm to my physical well-being that possibly results in my death at an earlier age (thus making it less likely that others I love dearly will 'abandon' me by dying first).  Yep...I'd say the abandonment issue is definitely one that needs to be addressed.  Hmmm.  I need to remember that God has a plan and will be the 'driver' of my rollercoaster regardless of my attempts at being in control.  Thus it would be better to simply trust Him to direct my ride, knowing the He will keep me safe and that I'll always arrive 'home' in the end... and to simply enjoy the ride.

My plan is to wake up early to care for myself first each day.  I will do that by doing the following: scripture study, prayer, journaling, ARP/PASG step, and exercise.  Then, throughout the day or at the end I will also practice: self-care, prayer, couple prayer, and have an accountability check-in.