journeying

I've been on a bit of a spiritual journey as of late.  I've been writing a lot in my journal and doing a lot of praying.  It started out like this:

I was stuck.

Back up.... I was doing well and then I hit a wall.  This great big wall in front of me.  Gradually the sun rose over it and little by little some light crept in.  As it was illuminated, I began to see how I had allowed some old behaviors and thought patterns into my life.  I began to recognize the merry-go-round that I was on and that I wasn't really progressing anymore.

That's when it hit me.  "I need help."

When you work your butt off and then your butt doesn't go away, you begin to think you might be broken.  Even if I had been eating terribly for the past year I should have more to physically show for all of the hard work I've put in with exercise.  And I haven't been eating terribly over the past year!  At first the thoughts were so subtle I barely noticed them.  "Well, you've had a mental change and you've been pretty consistent so that's good enough."  "It must be my thyroid.  Nevermind that I have no symptoms of the thyroid being off."  "Maybe you should just do surgery.  It would be easier and now you know you can be consistent at being good so it'll be fine."  Then they became a bit more blatant.  "You're broken."  "You just don't fit in with anyone."  "You're not good enough to be around these other Beachbody coaches.  You're not good enough to be around anyone now because now you're a hypocrite."  "You're a hypocrite for promoting health and wellness and saying people can lose weight and break their bad habits when you haven't done it yourself."  "You just keep trying because you want to prove something and that's not a good reason."  "It's all your fault."  "You must not be 'good' enough or God would be helping you."  "You did something wrong and that's why your coach isn't really helping you anymore."  "Nobody likes you.  Just your husband.  Maybe even only him just because he's stuck with you."

And then I saw it.

So I reached out.

I contacted the therapist who had helped my husband overcome his pornography addiction.  We had also seen him as a couple a few times so I had a relationship already established.  I sent him an email and this is what I said: " I'm looking just for some help with myself.  I've been trying and trying to take care of it on my own but I feel like I must be missing a piece of the puzzle or something.  Billy and I are doing quite well and I am amazed at the change I see in him, even though he still insists he doesn't feel different.  I am realizing that there is a small piece of trust issue that needs to be dealt with and it has to do with having my own food addiction...if I can't seem to conquer mine and keep failing then how can I trust his change?  That kind of thing."

It is hard to accept that you are no more perfect than the next guy.  Years of faulty thinking and behaviors do not go away as you replace them.  You have to dig into why they are there in the first place.  You have to be willing to go through the muck.  I thought I had.  Honestly.  I had.  But I'd only gone through some of it.  What I realized when we very first met again, and several times since, is that in all of my self-work that I have done over the years, I have made tremendous growth and change and had a lot of healing.  Having more to do doesn't discount that.  What it means, though, is that those wounds and mindsets run deep.  I've cleaned out the outer and even middle layers.  Now it's time for what is left of it.  The core-limiting beliefs that still remain.  Having any remain does not invalidate what I've said or done before.  It simply is there.  That's okay.  It's a journey.  It will continue to be a journey.

I have been praying regularly for humility and I find myself humbled by the blessings I receive and the 'in your face' way that God lets me know He knows me and loves what I am doing.  The talks in church, the articles friends post on FB, the direction conversation leads with my therapist (who, btw, is LDS and I love that we can include that as part of our discussion).... all of these things give me inspiration or serve as confirmation to things on my mind or answers to prayers.  I have made some changes in the direction of some things in my life (more on that later) and I have made some hard decisions in conjunction with that.  Yet, I feel very at peace with it because of these things leading to it.  I have rediscovered my desire to serve and my trust in God.  I am rediscovering my trust in my own self as well.  It's a beautiful thing.  We moved recently and my world was consumed with the chaos of that amidst running our business and a family death.  I can't tell you how good it feels to get back into those things that should have always been there (but to not beat myself up about momentarily going into 'just survive' mode)- the self-care and scripture study, the prayer and healthy foods and journaling every morning.

I feel grateful and blessed.  I am releasing things so that I can get out of my own way.  I am owning my story.  I am owning my weight.  Only when I own it can I let it go, and that is what I am doing.  I definitely believe that our bodies have memories and associate certain events with certain weights (if that's important to you) and circumstances.  I've believed that for many years.   I'm just now remembering and being willing to face that.  Liberating.  Scary.  Healing.  I'm lighter already. ;)