Saturday, June 29, 2013
I'm not really sure why I wrote that last blog post. It has been on my mind for a week almost, wanting to get out. I don't know if someone else needed to hear it. I don't know if it is because I needed to reflect on that confirmation I got and the experience in general as I've felt a little triggered lately by the stresses of summer and the fact that it is now the longest ever that DH has gone without 'using'. It may also have something to do with the fact that I have been debating whether to take this blog a little more public. It is a public blog but I still have not shared with my friends and family or on fb that I am writing it. As I've debated whether or not to, I have found myself with those same concerns that DH expressed about going on the talk show. The same ones. Another concern I remembered he expressed was that people don't even get 'it' as a problem and so they may think it is being over-exaggerated or misinterpret everything because they are coming from a place of disagreement to begin with. How to make them understand that they do not understand it? He was referring to pornography not being 'okay' and especially to the addictive nature of it.... but I realize now that I sort of feel the same way about sharing my issues with food as being of an addictive nature and realizing that I had an eating disorder in the way I was managing my food relationships. It is hard for me, too, because I feel like I am still fulling coming to grips with this. It is still hard for me to verbalize even though it is true. I still have shame about it and shame about the way I am certain others will view me for it. I know what the answer is. It's right there in that other post. Sharing on fb or directly with friends/family about the existence of this blog means more than just sharing my story though. It is also sharing his and that isn't my decision to make. So, I guess, in a way we are there in a different manner again. Just not so 'high stress' about it.