not in right now.

Bloody noses, broken bones, running away (2 weeks spent in Utah just mom & kids), car accident, misbehavior, surgery, physical therapy, and a home in desperate need of some attention… These are just some of the reasons for being mia in the last month. We are home recuperating from life (surgery was just yesterday- K’s tonsils & adenoids for obstructive sleep apnea).

journal entry.

4.14.10 
I was thinking tonight of how I have felt restless today, and frequently lately. A yearning for something, but what? Why? As I was thinking of this it occured to me that perhaps it is simply a longing for peace and normalcy again. See, I had reached this state and feeling of contentment and happiness with pretty much all the aspects of my life. I had things figured out. I should clarify- I AM happy with my life. However, I would be fooling myself if I did not admit that these past six months have been HARD. Not in any way that ever seemed too difficult to handle. Not in any way that has left me feeling a low of lows (though, admittedly, things were pretty bad after the miscarriage when this all began). I have always felt greatly blessed and very grateful. No, this is different. It is a feelign of weariness. Like it has been a long, drawn-out process of wearying myself. I am not complaining. I am simply remembering what was once so liberating to myself after all this began... That no one can nurture me better than myself (except my Heavenly Father of course). I'm not sure if nurture is the right word. Let me see if I can explain. After my fall and concussion, as soon as I stopped bleeding from the miscarriage, I treated myself to a massage. I believe very strongly in the healing benefits of massage. After my massage I felt, almost overwhelmingly, as though my soul had been hugged. Like I had allowed myself to soothe some inner broken spirit by saying 'it's okay- it's been really hard and you've been through hard thing' and doing something nice and healing for myself by getting the massage. It was a wonderful and freeing experience after having been in bed for weeks becasue of the pain (both physical and emotional) of a miscarriage and then the physical trauma of a concussion and other injuries. 

Well, as we all inevitably do, I got caught up in the business of life. I lost myself in the service of others. It didn't hurt that this occured just before November and the holiday season. As my body tried to heal and I sought answers to help it, I failed to remember to renew and uplift my soul. Since October my life has seemed an endless stream of doctor's appointments and ailments for myself. Of pain, frustration, and more questions than answers. It is one thing to always be taking your children to doctors or to fight to find answers for a loved one's medical condition. I find it so much more draining to have to do it for yourself. No wonder I have suddenly missed my mom more in the last month than I have in a long time! No wonder I have not just longed for, but truly YEARNED to travel, to get away, to immerse myself in art and nature and new things. No wonder I find myself suddenly wanting to move far away even though I love my home, my neighbors, my ward, my location. It's as if I think that doing something big and drastic will suddenly make me all better again. It won't. 

I realized that the only way I am going to return to a state of 'normalcy' and vibrancy admidst the medical issues at hand is to acknowledge my own self and say 'hey, it's okay.' What a self-empowering thing that is. To say to yourself that you can be content and happy and satisfied and yet weary. To say that weekly appointments (at a minimum) would be draining on any person who did not take care of themselves, even some who did. To say that perhaps it isn't your fault that your body appears to be falling to pieces...and that if it is then that's okay too so long as you don't let your soul do the same. To acknowledge that you can just keep keepin on and forging forward but that even a long journey wearies the seasoned traveler. No wonder there are days when every fiber of my being just yearns for a break. But how do you take a break from yourself? From a body that isn't allowing you to do the things you really want to? You don't. Instead you must turn to confront it, to embrace it, to nurture it. Only then can you begin to heal, even if your body does not (or does not for a longer period of time). 

I am going to try and remember these things especially as I go to my physical therapy tommorow. I left my last appointment in tears after having a setback so soon into treatment and being able to perform so few of the tasks. I expressed frustration to the therapist at the cause not being singled out...at the inability STILL to rule out a problem within the brain. I am sure that was my own (well founded) fears talking. I told them of how I didn't have time for this, for not being able to function normally. I needed my life back. Other people needed me fully back. The poor physical therapist was so kind and patient as I expressed my frustration at feeling like so much of my body was just one big mess that seemed beyond repair. He just tried to reassure me that I will get better. I will. But I don't believe it will be as quick as I want it to be. 

I can't control a lot of what's been going on. I can control how I take care of myself and my broken soul that just needs a little TLC (which is why the surprise overnighter with DH was so nice). I can't make doctor's schedules open up so they can see me sooner instead of making me wait forever between tests and diagnoses. I can't control that they can't see all of my brain adequately because of my braces. I can't control the fact that I have to have the braces on because of a fall that occured in October, that wasn't my fault. Try as I might, I can't control the dizziness or the fact that I may not get a definitive answer or prognosis. And in case you wondered, the current possible culprits include (as in any, a combo of any, or none of the above): the concussion (of course), dental work, excessive Ibuprofen use, something in my brain (which could also have been caused by the concussion), my thyroid, my thyroid medication, something else altogether, or excessive illness all at once (think my sinus infection on top of wisdom teeth removal and multiple dry sockets). I can't control the floaters in my vision these days and the endless aggravation it gives me (ok, maybe that part is up to me). However, I can acknowledge that it has been going on and wearing me out. I have never, and never will, ceased to be grateful for those good doctors who are so hard to get in to. I have done my best to not make my life all about this stuff or complaining. I must admit though that it is hard to pretend that something that takes up so much time is not there. 

The morning before my mom passed away she and I had been having a long conversation. She told me, "I'm tired. I'm just so tired of it all." I sensed it. She had fought the good fight and was tired of fighting it. I can't tell you how many times these past months I have echoed those sentiments. But I haven't been ready to throw in the towel yet. No, instead I am recommitting myself to ME. Not in a selfish way. No. I am giving my soul a hug and a little bit of nurturing. This is my reminder to myself (and request for future reminders from you). It starts now and with a massage on Saturday. :)

ramble.

These days it seems I can hardly think straight.  Sure, life of a mom right?  Well, yah.  That and this craziness going on with my head.  No sarcastic comments necessary.  I got blindsided by a bizarre attack of vertigo back on Feb 23rd.  The kind of room spinning that left me unable to stand and throwing up.  Lying down didn't help either and it kept me up through the night.  I saw a doctor the next day who told me it was probably a virus and then medicated me with a heavy dose of meclizine and promethazine.  I literally slept for 24 hours solid and nearly another 24 hours after that.  Anyway, long story short… Here we are at the beginning of April and I’m still seeing multiple doctors with no clear answers.  I had a full 2 weeks where I truly was stuck in bed.  I couldn't even take care of my kids and I’m so grateful to all the many people who stepped in to fill those shoes.  Here’s a big bonus to marrying a return missionary too– DH really didn’t mind cooking for the family in the meantime (I could barely eat anyway) and was quite capable of doling out spaghetti, chili, quesadillas, mac and cheese, and more.  

What have we determined?  Well, meclizine doesn’t work.  Benadryl plus Lorazepam makes you feel like you’ve had anesthesia.  I was given an i.v. at one point because I was apparently dehydrated.  Ummm… Oh, braces make it so you can’t see the frontal lobe on an MRI (but otherwise things look fine).  My thyroid was bizarrely too high (weird since I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis)- still waiting on the results of the thyroid ultrasound.  I suddenly have heart palpitations (waiting on the echo results as well).  My period decided to go MIA for a month— which was really fabulous since I already was feeling like my body was freaking out.  No, I’m not pregnant but apparently doctors are quick to jump to that conclusion when you tell them you are dizzy.  I have a constant black spot in my vision, like someone just put a little tiny sharpie dot onto my eye.  My vestibular nerve is too inflamed to tell whether the cause of the problem is in the brain or the ear canals…. however chances are that all this dizzy business can be traced to that fateful day.  Yep.  Even now.  One speculation is that when I hit my head it dislodged some of the crystals that are deep in your inner ear and help you maintain balance.  Over time they've migrated to the other side and started hitting the vestibular nerve…causing severe neuritis and all these fun problems.

So what does this mean?  Well, I've had balance testing done and this thing called the Epiley Omniax.  If you want a ride that will make you want to hurl, just try this thing out.  I've had a couple of treatments.  Now I have to go to physical therapy a couple times a week for 1-2 months to retrain my brain to recognize proper balance cues because I’m improperly compensating now– which can explain my constant fatigue.  I’m still waiting to see the opthaneurologist about my eye spots and waiting for a return appointment for the results of the echo and ultrasound as well as some other bloodwork.  Bonus?  I have new glasses now.  Forgot to mention that- I went to an eye doctor as well because my vision was being weird and it turned out my glasses were suddenly randomly overcorrecting my vision.

Anyway, I’m glad we have health insurance.

I’m just tired of visiting doctor’s offices and having to find sitters.  At this rate I could’ve had a baby.

DH (and his mom) surprised me with a wonderful overnighter a couple of weeks ago.  It was fantastic because I really needed it.  I already need another.     It’s been a long while since he and I were able to get away together overnight sans children.  I am just so at my limit these days.  I mean, it’s not really my limit because I know I can be pushed further and probably will be.  I’m just saying that I’ve just been weary.  For several months.  Just plain weary.  Not depressed, no.  Weary.  There’s a difference.  So it was wonderful to have something nice done for me as a surprise. 

resolved.

Who doesn’t make resolutions at the beginning of every year?  I’m not even a fan of them but I find myself thinking about them each New Year’s.  This year I decided to take a cue from something my high school art teacher taught us.  I didn’t just set goals, I resolved to do things.  I’m not making a list of things of things that I hope to be able to accomplish this year.  Instead I’m making a list of things I will do this year and putting it out there to happen.  So here goes.

In 2010 I will:

- Read at least 20 books (I’m currently on numbers 6 and 7)

- Finish rereading the Book of Mormon

- Take a name to the temple (it’s all ready now…just needs to be done)

- Lose all this baby weight (and yes, I’m still going to call it that even though my baby will turn 2 this year), slowly but surely so that it stays off

- Go on a hike each month

- Pay off AT LEAST one or two creditors

- Attend the temple each month

- Be more provident by preparing my own mixes for ready-use (done at least once now)

- Learn to can (no, not can-can)

- Teach W & P to play piano

- Paint something

- Focus each day not on making my house clean, but instead on helping it be more clean more often

- Take one photo each day to document what our life is like  (ok- I was doing this but find that it’s hard to do when I’m sick so I am actually missing some and am really bugged by this)

mouthing off.

So this is a story…all about how…my mouth got twist, turned upside down….

Well…not upside down exactly.

Perhaps you recall that fateful event in October?  The concussion.  The chipped tooth.  The fractured too.  The sprained jaw. Yeaaah….

It was a good month before I could close my jaw all the way.  By that time it was obvious something wasn’t right.  My teeth didn’t line up the same way that they had.  I couldn’t chew bread or rice with my back teeth.  I couldn’t bite a hangnail with my front teeth.  So having gotten my chipped tooth repaired… having gotten multiple xrays to determine my roots thankfully hadn’t died (yet)…having decided there wasn’t much to do about the fractured tooth but deal with the sensitivity until it either went away gradually with time or got worse and became a dead root….Off to the dentist I went again. 

For 6 weeks I visited the dentist every week.  I was fitted with a deprogrammer that had to be adjusted each week.  It’s basically like a retainer you wear on the top of your mouth but the inside is built up so that it comes down below your front teeth and prevents you from being able to close your mouth all the way and have your teeth touch (yes, you need to take it out to eat).  This allows your jaw to relax and reestablish it’s natural bite.  Sometimes this fixes things.  Other times it just allows you to determine what needs to be done (from filing/restructuring a few teeth to full on orthodontics) to get that good bite again.  Well, it took a month before my jaw settled into a consistent relaxed position.  I went in for my final visit and was told that despite all efforts to stay as conservative as possible, I would need braces all the way across the top and bottom teeth and then some restructuring of my teeth as well. 

Not two days after scheduling my braces (which was a couple weeks out), I got a horrible pain in my mouth.  I could feel that there was a tooth now poking through at the back of my mouth.  Of course it was the weekend too.  So a few days of pain that refused to be calmed by anything and I was able to get in to the dentist again right away.  And here I’d been so excited to have a couple weeks off.     All it took was a look in my mouth and at some old xrays that the ortho had taken when I went in for a consult after the intial accident and it was pretty obvious what was going on… I had a wisdom tooth coming in.  You’re thinking:  You’re 28 and you still have your wisdom teeth?!  I know.  Well back when I went off to college I was 17 and had none.  Then I went to college and didn’t have dental insurance.  By the time I got myself some dental insurance I was continually pregnant (see the last 6 years of my life) and xrays were therefore out.  Thus I didn’t get an xray of my mouth done in nearly 10 years.  I knew I shouldn’t have listened to that dentist (a different one than my friend and childhood dentist that I switched to for all this madness) when he told me to just leave them be. 

So it was… A week after being told I needed braces in 2 weeks (a very painfulweek I might add)… I was at the oral surgeon’s office getting 3 wisdom teeth out.  Two were fully impacted.  One was partially.  I hate anesthesia (one of those love/hate things).  It makes me so nervous.  I was very grateful that my mom’s best friend (who thankfully withheld the story of her daughter’s near death anesthesia experience from the very day before until the second I came out of the anesthesia) was able to take me to the appointment and sit with me.  I was also grateful that the oral surgeon’s assistant was my mom’s other best friend (yes, I planned it), and she talked away to me about book club until the anesthesia had set it before I even realized it.  It’s always nice to have a familiar, friendly face around.  The surgeon told me there was a good chance I’d have some (temporary) nerve damage because of my age- my teeth had gotten so large that there was a greater chance of hitting a nerve during the extraction and I had one that the nerve sat abnormally high.  Thankfully I have had none of that. 

(You didn’t really think that was the end of the story did you?)  The surgery went fine.  I did, however, get 2 dry sockets.  Yup.  Both sides.  Turns out those are extremely painful.  I didn’t do anything about it for a while because I didn’t quite realize what was going on.  I couldn’t wear my deprogrammer for the few days after the surgery so I thought the pain I was feeling was the result of my bite being so off.  That was one blessing of the wisdom teeth coming out- those days without the deprogrammer were a painful reminder that I really did need the braces.  I was getting these horrible headaches and pain shooting up from my mouth to next to my eyes.  I took so much Ibuprofen I worried I was going to be addicted or something (can you get addicted to it?).  My surgery was on Thursday.  The pain started Sunday.  I should’ve called on Monday.  Instead I tried the deprogrammer.  It wasn’t until Wednesday that I called.  Oh how I should’ve called sooner!  I just didn’t want to go in again and inconvenience anyone.  What a relief it was when the medicated bandages kicked in!  So over the next week and a half I went in every few days to get the dressings changed.  The final day, when they put in the dissolving kind, being the day after my braces were put on.

I feel like my mouth has been a mess for 3 months and that I’ve just been living in pain for that whole time.  At first I was pretty upset about needing braces.  Not because they were braces- it’s kind of nice to have the prospect of a ‘perfect’ smile.  More because I saw them just as a daily and physical reminder of that awful week.  After all, it was the day before ‘the incident’ that I had my miscarriage and now I was going to think about that every time I saw my braces.  Well, I am happy to say that at this point I’m kinda over it.  Getting the braces on was nothing compared to all the pain I’d been in for so long.  Especially compared to the most recent pain of the last couple of weeks.  I was getting additional headaches from chewing (too much too soon I guess) so I was put back on a soft diet.  Now I’ve had the braces on for just over a week now.  Wow, my mouth feels better than it has in months!  Is it fun to have stuff in your mouth all the time or to not be able to bite down or chew whatever?  Not particularly.  But I’m pretty hopeful this will work out to be a good diet plan.  So, you’d better watch out because in a year when I get these babies off I’ll also have gotten all this baby fat off and I’ll be lookin like a whole new me!  

hiking around Vegas.

I am surprised at how many people who live in Vegas (especially who have for a looong time) are unaware of the places to go for hikes! I guess it's because my dad and grandpa practically have this placed mapped out in all their scouting and hiking experiences. Below is a tentative schedule of hikes around the valley based on increasing difficulty and appropriate weather. No one wants to hike in the sun at Red Rock in the dead of summer! I am planning on the 3rd or 4th week of each month. If a second hike is listed in a month it would be done earlier in the month and would not be appropriate for children because of difficulty or location etc. PLEASE keep in mind when hiking with children that while they are seemingly boundless balls of energy...their little legs get tired! If you have a kid 2 and under you must plan on them being on your back in a hiking backpack. Even up to 3 years old for some kids. They need to be able to follow rules and listen because not doing that while hiking can prove dangerous. Some hikes are largely walks with the occassional rock scramble or stream hopping. If you don't know how long your kids can last for a hike, I HIGHLY recommend taking them to Calico Basin (just before getting to Red Rock- there's also a nice picnic area there) and letting them run around there. I also think it is a really good idea to have them try out the Lost Creek or Children's Discovery Trail at Red Rock. It will give you a sense of their endurance and ability to handle hills and steps, rocks and streams. It's a good sampling of everything and even ends at a waterfall! Of course, I don't recommend having your first try at hiking with kids be in the snow like we just did.

Hopefully this list gives you an idea of places you can go around town and can take your family on your own as well. Most are roughly 2 hours but you should allot double that time just in case when hiking with younguns. It should be about enjoying the company and scenery, not just about getting it done. (Don't forget water and snacks or lunch, especially high protein)

January- Lost Creek (Red Rock)
February- Calico Hills (Red Rock)
White Rock/Arizona Hot Springs (possible backpack/overnighter) (Lake Mead area)
March- Oak Creek Canyon (Red Rock)
Anniversary Canyon (probably ok for kids) (Lake Mead area)
April- Willow Springs Loop (Red Rock) *Calico Tanks (Red Rock) if not doing Bridge Mountain in same month*
Bridge Mountain (all day)
May- Pine Creek Canyon (Red Rock)
Icebox Canyon (Red Rock)
June- Sawmill Loop (Mt Charleston)
Mary Jane Falls (Mt Charleston)
July- Little Falls (Mt Charleston)
August- Robbers Roost (this is less of a hike and more of a short walk and place to hang out- there's a cave)
September- Mouseys Tanks (Valley of Fire)
Keyhole Canyon (camping)
October- First Creek Canyon (Red Rock)
Subway (weekend trip- if can get permit- limited number of people)
November- Cottonwood Springs (Lake Mead area)

For information on a large number of hikes I really suggest this guy's website, especially if you like detailed information to find your way: http://birdandhike.com/Hike/_Hike_index.htm

Also, please practice Leave No Trace Ethics. It's a good thing to teach your children, especially starting young.

sytycd

I love So You Think You Can Dance.  I tried out the workout DVD today.  Just want to say, it's easy to see why Travis Wahl is such a hit.  He has an excellent way of teaching and leading a routine.  Love him.  The workout was pretty good.  It was a lot of repetition but it was enjoyable.

a week of rain.

As the saying goes: “When it rains it pours.”  Well, I guess we hit our overdue monsoon this week.  Here’s what it looked like:

Monday: All is well.  It’s beautiful out.  I started having some pains on Sunday and Monday they got a little more frequent but I still was able to brush them off and say ‘all is well.’

Tuesday: I can’t walk.  I call my OB and tell them I’m pretty sure my IUD (that I have had nearly a year now) is coming out and I am in a lot of pain.  Miraculously, they are able to get me in right away.  Thankfully my mother-in-law is able to watch the boys and my friend once again picks up P from school. 

At the OB I leave a sample for ‘just in case’ because the nurse doesn’t believe me that it could possibly be the IUD.  Even Dr. Volker is suspicious because that just doesn’t happen after having it that long.  It’s pretty rare anyway.  Nope, I was right.  In his words, “looks like your body is definitely trying to expel the IUD.”  So after a glare and some words about how you’re talking to the girl who got pregnant on birth control and now you’re telling me my body doesn’t like the IUD? the doctor reassures me that just because it happens once doesn’t mean it will happen again and that it would really only do it if there were a cause.  So he tells me we will give my body a month to heal and then run some tests to look for fibroids or polyps or whatever must be growing to push it out.  He sends me home with birth control but I decided there was only one safe way: abstinence.

That night my sister-in-law, who I love dearly, has her baby and all is well and we are happy.

Wednesday: I had previously scheduled an appointment with my regular physician for a check-up due to unexplained weight gain and low thyroid symptoms.  Also, my tailbone (which I dislocated giving birth to W) has really been bothering me lately and I’m hoping to finally get it fixed.  While I’m there I figure I might as well get the FluMist, because I thought getting the flu vaccine would be a good idea this year and I just wasn’t in the mood for a shot.  I got flu-like symptoms by the time I drove home and found myself feeling like crap and dealing with what I thought were after-effects of having the IUD removed.  I learn too that my sister-in-law named her baby Emma.  I love this name.  So much so that I had always planned to name a little girl of mine Emma Mae.  When P came along it just felt right to name her after my mom, not Emma.  When K2 came along I was positive he was my Emma.  Shock didn’t cut it when I learned he was a boy.  We said we were done having kids but didn’t do anything too permanent, obviously.  We always thought we might end up adopting down the road- thus ensuring having a girl and naming her Emma Mae.  So I found myself needing to deal with a finality I hadn’t quite dealt with yet.  Not that I fault my sister-in-law in the very least.  She could name her kid whatever she wanted, especially since we said we were done.  So I dealt with the acknowledgment and finality that I would never have my Emma Mae here on earth and that we probably really were done.  I spend a lot of the day in bed because I am, yet again, feeling crappy and tired and nauseous and just planning to shut out the world.

That morning W also had a visit to the dermatologist for a mole that had changed significantly.  I was happy to hear he thought it not likely to be anything.  He removed a portion of it though, to be safe.

Thursday:  I get up and feel better.  I’ve been up for a little while when I get sudden severe cramping and nausea.  When I go to the bathroom (sorry for the tmi!) I don’t want to acknowledge the thought that pops into my mind (and I’ll spare you the rest of the details here).  “That was my Emma Mae.  I can’t have her here on earth but now I know I have her in heaven.”  I put it out of my mind quickly, telling myself it’s crazy talk and that even if it isn’t then I’m just not going to deal with it.  But I do start to wonder just how much bleeding and cramping is normal when and IUD comes out.  I’m trying to look this up when the OB’s office calls.  “We need you to come in for bloodwork and an ultrasound right away.  It looks like the doctor suspects a pregnancy.”

The short of the story from there is that the ultrasound revealed no fibroids, no polyps, no anything.  What I had tried to ignore that morning was the last of my unexpected, 2 month pregnancy that must’ve grown and pushed the iud out.  The rest is just too personal, but if you think it- then I probably thought it.  I do still have to go in tommorow for follow-up bloodwork to rule out any other issues.  It does explain a lot of what I’d been feeling and experiencing over the last couple of months.

We also learned on Thursday that P’s best friend had been in the hospital since the previous afternoon with pneumonia.  We were able to go hang out for several hours to keep her happy and occupied.  I appreciated being able to hang out with my friend (who knew everything that was going on) and be able to put my mind on something else.  By that night I was exhausted though in so many ways.

Friday: I was still feeling lousy and exhausted in the morning so DH was thankfully able to stay home part of the morning and take care of some doctor’s appointments for the kids.  That afternoon I decided I’d had enough crying, moping, feeling lousy and it was time to move on and get out or I’d never feel better.  So I finally got ready for the day and decided that if DH hadn’t arranged a date then I’d go out with some girlfriends.  I’m doing okay and cleaning up the kitchen and getting ready to bake DH his favorite cookies as a way to make amends for all he’s had to do all week.  W and P are playing next door, K is eating a snack, and K2 has just gotten up from his nap.  He’s gone to go upstairs to play when I hear a tumble.  I go racing from the kitchen to catch him just before he hits the last step & hardwood floor (and I’m certain he would’ve broken his arm the way it was sticking out). 

Things, unfortunately, did not end so well for me.  I don’t remember precisely what happened aside from slipping the opposite direction and the sound of a hard smack.  I don’t remember actually catching K2, only that I know I did and must’ve set him down immediately.  Our bottom step comes out in a sort of trapezoid shape.  I recall smacking my face/jaw/neck area on that corner.  I know I smacked my head on the floor as well (and now I realize I must’ve smacked my right side on the step as well).  Next thing I know I’m face down and spitting out pieces of tooth and blood.  I know K2 must be fine because he’s walking around and not crying.  I try to get up but see stars and am just so dizzy.  Thank goodness I have my phone in my pocket and am able to call DH to tell him, between spits of blood, to hurry home & that I fell.  When the dizziness subsided enough, I got to the bathroom and called my neighbor to come get K and K2.  She got me on the couch with ice and put W in charge of making sure I didn’t fall asleep.  My neighbor kept the kids and fed them dinner until she had to go to a soccer game.  My friend brought me a smoothie because I hadn’t had any dinner yet and couldn’t open my mouth.  It wasn’t until the kids had gone to bed that I decided to go to the ER to be safe.  My friend took me until the neighbors got home and then one of them came and slept on our couch so DH could come hang out with me.

I learned that somewhere in the recent years I developed an anxiety for CT scans and MRIs.  They used to not phase me, I’ve had so many.  But I guess it’s just been since my mom’s death I’m paranoid that one is going to show something.  I was none too thrilled about needing a CT.  But all was well.  I was sent home with Ibuprofen 800 (I turned down the Lortab- that stuff’s just nasty) and a diagnosis of a neck sprain and concussion and the knowledge that I’d have to see a dentist on Monday for my mouth stuff.  They warn me that I’m going to feel worse in the coming days and feel like I’ve been in a car accident.

Saturday: I take my meds and ice my face/neck as told.  I’m so tired of being in bed by this point though that I decide I need to get out- concussion or not.  So I go to Red Apple Days with the family.  I take it easy though because it’s quickly apparent that I really do have a concussion as moving makes me nauseous.  Getting kinda tired of the nausea here.  I go to the funnest baby shower I’ve ever been to, and it’s nice to be out, but I can tell it’s quickly wearing on me.  My tongue is raw from my broken tooth (bottom front) scraping the bottom of it.  My brilliant friend Janet talks to her husband, who is an orthodontist, and he says he may be able to give me some relief and will see me in his office later.  I’m happy that between the two events I’ve found at least some food I can eat- chili and some chicken salad that had very finely shredded chicken in it.  See, I can’t use my front teeth at all, nor half my jaw because it won’t open or close all the way.

I was exhausted and slept like a baby for the next 3 or 4 hours until our babysitter got there for our date and visit to the orthodontist's office.  Our plan was to get my tooth fixed, eat soup at Marie Callenders, then go to the drive-ins so I could lay in the Luv-Sac to watch a movie.  The orthodontist was fantastic.  He rounded off my tooth so that it’ll quit scraping my tongue in the meantime.  He said I should probably wait a couple weeks before trying to get it fixed since the one next to it is hypersensitive right now (it hurts me all the time).  My jaw is definitely still swollen and tramautized- and probably will be for a week, maybe two.  It was quite apparent to him that I also chewed up my tongue and cheek as well.  The tooth that broke seems to have nerve damage- in fact, the nerve may be dead all together…which means a possible root canal in my future.  I laughed at him and told him he was talking to a girl who just barely had her first cavity.  He told me I needed to rest my jaw as much as possible, stick to a soft diet, and gave me a mouthguard to wear at night to keep me from clenching my teeth and further inflaming things.  I tried wearing it last night but it hurt having it touch all my teeth that were sensitive so I’m not sure what I’m going to do about that one.

I’m pretty tired by the end of dinner but want to go to the movie anyway.  Fame was a bit of a let-down and I fell asleep just before the end of it.  But it was a beautiful night and I was mighty comfortable in that Luv-Sac shoved in the back of DH’s truck.

Today:  It’s pretty obvious I overdid things yesterday.  I’m so tired.  But I’m also so tired of being tired and of being in bed.  And yet, when I’m up I am reminded of just how much I hate concussions and how much they can mess you up.  After all, I’ve had 3 or 4 in my lifetime.  It’s quite obvious I have a sinus infection now too.  I could feel it coming on over the last few days.  It is in full swing today, complete with 100 degree fever.  At least tommorow is Monday and it means getting antibiotics from the doctor. 

I can move my jaw a little bit more but other parts of me are more sore and stiff.  Turning my head makes me want to throw up so driving is out.  My shoulder is sore so I haven’t even tried lifting K2 (not that DH has even let me hold him). 

Emotionally, I think I’m still sort of a mess.  A part of me says “Well, this is life.  What happened happened.  It’s fine.  I’ll be fine.  It could be worse.”  And it certainly could and thank goodness it’s not!  Part of me is done with being sad and is ready to move on.  Part of me though just feels so physically miserable that it’s making me still emotionally miserable.  That part wants my mommy.  I want her to hold me and tell me nice things and make me laugh and do whatever she’d do so perfectly to make everything all better.  But, see, I can’t dwell on that too much or I’ll start being too sad and then I’ll cry…and have you ever tried crying when you have a concussion and a sinus infection?  It’s just a recipe for a head explosion. 

 So that was our week of rain.  I think I’m going to take a nap now.  And then maybe I’ll find a movie to watch that has rainbows in it or something.  

warning: possible tmi.

So here's what's been going on the past few days. 

I've had an IUD for almost a year now because DH and I decided we were done having kids but not ready to do anything permanent. 
About 2 1/2-3 weeks ago I started my normal cycle. It's been really light the last few months like you'd expect after having an IUD as long as I have. This time, not so much. It started off normal. Then it suddenly got like a regular period. Then way heavy. Then gone. But only for a day. Then it comes back like crazy. Much like you'd expect when the IUD is first put in- only with lots of clotting- like you'd expect when it's taken out. The other weird thing is that I've had a lot of nausea and cramping (like bad PMS) like I haven't had in a long time. 

So Sunday I start getting this pinching pain but it's only on ocassion. Same with Monday. A little more frequent. By Tuesday morning I can't walk and all I can think is that it feels like my IUD has come out partially and is poking me. So I call my OB and he is thankfully able to get me in right away. Seriously, this is like a miracle because he is the Chief of Staff at one of the hospitals here and is a very busy man. 

He thinks I'm crazy when I tell him what I suspect because that is extremely rare and really only happens in the first couple months after insertion. Whaddya know... I was dead on. His exact words "It looks like your body is definitely trying to expel the IUD for some reason. It's half in and half out. I'm so glad you got in here or it might've come out and I'd be seeing you in another few months with an unexpected pregnancy." I agreed and gave him a glare and expressed my extreme displeasure at the situation and asked why on earth it would just suddenly try coming out. He said that sometimes a growth will develop, like fibroids or polyps, and as it enlarges it will push it out. So he says we need to give it a month to heal then do an ultrasound to check. 
That night my sister-in-law gives birth to a baby girl and names her Emma, what I have always wanted to name a girl...The name I had haunting me when I realized it was time to get pregnant again...the name I planned to name Kyle when I was certain he was a girl. This isn't important because we're done but it just adds to things y'know. 

This morning I'm a little weirded out because I'm bleeding just so much and I'm thinking 'this is as bad or worse than after a baby.' But I have had an IUD for a while and it does build up and everything I look up indicates it's normal for after an IUD is removed. 

So now I get a phone call from my OB's office. They want me in for an ultrasound right away. And STAT bloodwork. Why? I just had an IUD out. I'm supposed to do that in a month. The nurse's answer: "It looks like the doctor suspects a pregnancy. We need you in right away." 

The other kicker? Lets just say it's been a dry spell.

bucket list.

(to be updated as needed)

• Visit England
• Ice skate at Rockefeller Center
• Go on a zipline somewhere that scares the crap outta me
• Visit Mt. Rainier
• Visit Whistler, Canada
• Visit Africa
• Spend an entire day lounging in a pool
• Lose 50 lbs
• Lose 50 lbs AGAIN and don't get pregnant after this time so it stays off
• Participate in a triathalon
• Have a room to designate as my own personal library
• Have a backyard full of flowers
• Go to Ireland with DH
• Take my family to upstate New York
• Drive across the country as an adult
• Go back to Nags Head, NC
• See Les Mis
• See Phantom
• Have monthly spa treatments
• Watch the Sydney New Year's fireworks from Sydney
• Visit Australia
• Visit Europe
• Spend a day at the Louvre
• Visit the Met Museum of Art
• Visit Frank Lloyd Wright's house in PA (the waterfall one)
• Eat sinfully decadent chocolate
• Hike Havasupai
• Hike the Subway hike with my dad
• Go to cooking school, or at least take cooking classes
• Go to cosmetology school for pretty much every field but nails
• Raise healthy, responsible, and independent children with strong testimonies
• Go to the Saint George Temple with DH (updated: have finally visited, but DH wasn't with me)
• Visit Zion
• Visit Zion for more than an hour
• Visit a tropical island
• Visit Southeast Asia
• Have a star named after me
• Have a fully stocked and loaded gourmet kitchen that I feel free to do whatever I want in
• Get my teeth whitened
• Get Lasix
• Go to Egypt and see the pyramids with my own two eyes
• Be a National Geographic photographer
• Hike in a rainforest
• Write a book
• Sew an entire outfiit
• Find my mom's almond french toast recipe
• Practice yoga religiously
• Make digital copies of all our photographs and home videos
• Watch the 4th of July fireworks show at Hills Park from INSIDE the amphitheater
• Have a season pass to Disneyland
• Own a beach house
• Visit all of the National Parks
• Visit Oregon
• Ride a trolley car in San Fransisco
• See the giant Redwoods
• Have a house that stays clean
• See Josh Groban in concert
• See No Doubt in concert
• Have my own art room
• Go to Disneyworld
• Stay in a treehouse or a yurt
• Stay at one of those weeklong spa retreats like Red Mountain Spa
• Take DH to Glenwood, CO- to the hot springs
• Take DH to NYC and to Dixie and Grandma Leake's
• See an original work of art by a Master artist
• Make a piece of furniture
• Go hanggliding or parasailing even if it frightens me
• Be on The Amazing Race with DH
• See a rainbow over a waterfall- particulalry Victoria Falls
• See a Cirque du Soleil show
• Meet a Blue Man
• Go to a taping of Ellen
• Win a big prize
• Go from my house to Mt. Charleston through the desert just to see how close it actually is
• Go to Hawaii
• Spend a week in Hawaii and hike to at least one hidden waterfall there
• Play Eponine in a production of Les Mis
• Run in Ragnar with DH
• Compete in IronGirl
• Get a black belt