So the Heavens have opened lately. That is how I feel. I feel overwhelmed and blown away at how blessed we are. I believe wholeheartedly that my Heavenly Father has been wanting to bless our lives but that because He too is also bound by law, He has been unable to do so to the extent He has desired so long as we were still in addiction. As we have worked to improve our relationship with Him, to more fully turn our lives over to Him, to do the hard work of facing our weaknesses and trying to make them our strengths....He blesses us! He blesses us so much! I feel like I am still so far from perfect- like in the simple stuff of daily scripture study and prayer every single day- and yet He blesses me! All I can figure is that He knows where my heart is and he wants me to run to Him. He wants to show me that He really is there, He really does love me in all my imperfectness, and He really does want awesome things for me and is willing to help me have those if I am willing to work.
I feel so empowered when I think of this. I think how just such a short time ago I was acting upon just a glimpse of a desire. I wasn't sure that this Beachbody thing would work but I had a small enough desire to give it a change. I was afraid of admitting to and facing an eating disorder, but I had just a glimmer of a hope that the change I saw in my husband could happen with me.
I haven't lost a ton of weight and yet I am finally able to envision that other me. The fit and healthy and unstoppable me. I see her again. I couldn't find her for a long time. I don't feel that it's like I'm some suddenly different person. I see it more as having been in a place of light for so long that my eyes had adjusted and I didn't see just how much brighter it could be.....I didn't realize not all the lights were on, until they were on. It's tasting that delicious fruit of the tree of life and wanting to share it with others because you didn't realize how much you were missing out on.
I have this way secret desire for my husband to be able to follow his dreams and passions while supporting our family. Secretly he has always wanted to be a helicopter pilot, and he loves working with his hands. Wouldn't it be amazing if he could actually be a woodworker and a helicopter pilot? Wouldn't he be that much more amazing by feeling that much more fulfilled? I can actually see that happening now. I don't know if it will...but I do believe it can if he really wants it.
Why the change?
God makes anything possible. Gratitude makes more possible. Humility allows God to work through us and pour out Heaven on our heads.
And because we have changed.
We have struggled for so long.... health and finances in particular. I see a light at the end of that tunnel at last. I heard it all.... I was blamed for our health struggles. I was told I was a hypochondriac. I was told it was my fault that my kids had allergies or asthma and that if I just was a better mother, or more clean or fed them better then we would all be better. We were blamed for finances beyond our control. Were there decisions we could have made better? Were there bad choices made? Absolutely. Was it our fault when the job market crashed and a second job wasn't to be found? Was it our fault when DH unexpectedly became too sick to hold a second job? Were we responsible for the housing market crashing just as we were selling our house and moving into another that we had already calculated an appropriate amount of debt according to the income that was supposed to be coming in soon? Nope. Could we have done that differently? Sure....but we wouldn't have had the trial of our faith and learned the lessons we did in those years that followed. When DH's problem very first came out, many many years ago and before I realized it was an addiction rather than a problem, he had just lost his job and we were living off our savings. I couldn't understand why we weren't blessed with a job or this or that when we were trying so hard.... and then when I found out about that I blamed him. How could we expect blessings when he wasn't living worthy of them. Sadly, it is often the consequence of life as an addict or as one married to an addict. It is the consequence of being married to someone breaking their marital covenants. It is a sad fact that we suffer the consequences of another's actions in a way that other's see without seeing the whole picture, without seeing the backstory that we know. So it is. It is also a beautiful and miraculous thing when the Lord is able to use those things for our good as He has for us.....over a lot of time and difficulty.
Please be aware of that when you are making observations of another's situation....health, finances, happiness, trials and joy. You just don't know.
friend of mine who is making a living as an artist. I remember just a few years ago when she made her first sale on Etsy. Watching her success (she now has artwork being used as signs at Target and has designed makeup packaging and been featured in magazines etc) has encouraged me to dream ... but I've still always sort of seen that as happening to 'other people' and not us. Our life was destined to be 'this way'. Nope. That was a lie Satan was telling us to rob of us our hope and blessings from God. Why do we put limits on ourselves. Limits are not there until we put them there. Children do not know limits until we tell them. God works the same way with us. Dream big for your own sake. Don't judge the smaller dreams or seemingly smaller successes of others. You don't know what's underneath.
|not sure the source on this one, sorry. was shared in my challenge group today|