abiding

I've been working on writing out and owning my story.  Not just the events of my life and things that have happened to me, but how I have felt about those things.  Realize that I had to turn off the faucet of emotions for a lot of my life simply to cope with some of the traumatic events and stress that I felt.  I didn't know better.  That was just the only way to deal.  Now I am experiencing those events in a new way.

There have been some unintended side effects.

Recently I had a dream that brought to mind a particular point in my life that I was struggling to face and move through.  Deeply personal.  It involved another person and we are at a completely different point in our relationship now so it felt wrong to disturb that.  However, it became clear that owning my story needed to included owning all the parts of it, all the feelings with it, and how I feel about it still.  So I approached the loved one about it.  I don't know if I was expecting validation or pleas of forgiveness or just an acknowledgment that I wasn't crazy.  I don't know.  What I know is that when they told me they didn't remember or that they didn't see it the same way, my heart sunk.  It was like being that child all over again,  being told that I was over-dramatizing something serious that had happened.  I began to question and hear that voice again.  I have struggled with just not feeling right since.  I feel sad.  Evidently I was looking for something in that conversation that I did not get.  When someone hurts you and doesn't acknowledge that hurt, or admit to the depth of it, it can be terribly disrupting.  You can question whether what happened really happened.  You might tell yourself it wasn't really a big deal after all, even when it probably was.  I found myself seeking out the name of the first offender in my life and looking for some validation that they had some sort of criminal record or something after what they did to me.  I believe I was looking for some validation that I wasn't crazy.

What do you do when you've been abused and mistreated by people over the years whom you will never get the acknowledgment and validation from on their end?  What do you do when that involves loved ones still in your life?  What about when it involves people long since out of your life?  I suppose you own your story.  You choose to love yourself enough to say this happened even if there is no other side of the story to back you up and even if the other person, the person who hurt you, doesn't seem to think they did something so bad.  When you forgive them anyway, you tell yourself that it really did happen and they really did need that forgiveness even if they didn't ask for it.  You are true to yourself in that way.

Still, I've been sad.