How Shakeology changed my life for the better, and why I'm no longer drinking it- Part One

It was a year ago exactly that I first tried Shakeology.  I became interested in it after seeing friends' posts about it helping with their migraines, inflammation, mood, weight loss and more.  I was desperate for weight loss, yes, but I knew the accountability of a challenge group was what I needed for that.  Sure, the challenge group had a requirement of needing to drink the Shakeology each day so that may have nudged me a bit more toward the commitment to it.  Ultimately though, it was different reasons that really led me to try Shakeology.

Reason numero uno:  My allergies were out of control.  Seriously, it was terrible.  I park in our driveway and it isn't far from the front door to my car in the driveway.  Even still, I found myself completely unable to function during allergy season if I so much as drove my kids to school.  In that short distance to the car, I found myself gobsmacked by a roaring headache and completely wiped out for the rest of the day.  Then there were the times I couldn't see much through my watery eyes or that I found myself wheezing just standing outside.  Yah, it was BAD.  I mean, I knew that I was about as allergic as you can get to every pollen in the area (that was a fun test to take) and I'd heard that allergies generally get worse as you get older, so I guess it only stood to reason.  I reached a point that I finally broke down and asked my doctor for those allergy shots he had mentioned two years prior.  Guess what?  I was denied.  That's right.  He said NO.  Apparently, having to use Epi Pens on two separate occasions and the severity of my most recent anaphylaxis disqualified me for immunotherapy.  It was just too risky.  So I was left to my own devices, some nasal spray, and Mucinex D (because I'm allergic to all the other allergy meds).  Yah, that's real.  Point being, I was desperate.  It stood to reason (in my mind at least) that if Shakeology helped reduce inflammation and allergies were and inflammatory response, then Shakeology should help me with my allergies.
Result:  A year later I can unequivocally say that nothing has helped my allergies more than Shakeology.  I have been through two allergy seasons with barely a flinch while friends are 'dying' from their allergies.  I haven't had a sinus infection either.  Well, maybe one.  I think.  After a race it seems like.  Or maybe it was right when I started eating clean and my body was getting rid of junk.  I can't tell you how freeing it has been to live my life during my favorite weather seasons- fall and spring.

Reason numero dos:  Girl problems.  Guys, if this is TMI for you then just skip past this section.  Ladies, imagine having your period twice a month.  Cravings, mood swings, and all.  Yep.  That's what was happening to me.  It had been for about a year but I was too embarrassed by the fact that I looked pregnant when I was not to get myself to the OB/GYN.  I finally worked up the courage to as part of this new found commitment to my health.  Test results revealed multiple ovarian cysts disrupting my cycle and confusing my hormones as well as other endometrial abnormalities.  This was particularly shocking for me as prior to all this I was so regular from the day I started at 11 years old that I never even got a break after having each kid of mine.  The doctor tried to convince me to go back on birth control (never my friend) or to consider discussing hysterectomy.  We had to follow up in a couple of months anyway to see how they changed and determine what types of cysts they were as the reports gave varied guesses.  Remember, a year I'd had mid-cycle bleeding, cramping, and a crazy obsession for chocolate.
Result: By 6 weeks into drinking Shakeology I had no more irregular periods.  No more mid-cycle bleeding.  No PMS cravings at all.  It became such a back part of my mind that I even found myself completely unprepared at a theme park even though it was the right time of the month.  I just didn't even notice it approaching.  Follow-up testing after 2 months of Shakeology showed a 100% completely normal uterus.  No more ovarian cysts at all.  I thought it was just a fluke but it continued.  During the holidays and another time, I became inconsistent in drinking Shakeology- having it maybe 3x a week instead of every day.  Sure as night and day, those mid-cycle problems came right back!

Reason numero tres: Energy and weight loss.  Okay, what mom doesn't want this?  I have 4 kids close in age and I have hypothyroidism and low Vitamin D levels.  Seriously, some days it's like a miracle that I function at all!
Result: After just a week of drinking Shakeology, I had the weirdest thing happen.  It felt like a fog had been lifted from my brain.  A fog I didn't even know I was in.  Feeling that clarity gave me joy and excitement, which translated to more energy.  Did the Shakeology help with weight loss?  Well, yes and no.  It's still a huge struggle for me.  What it did help with was cravings and mood swings by giving my body such a dense dose of nutrition it desperately needed- things that could easily turn to uncontrolled and unhealthy eating.  Getting a handle on those definitely helps with weight loss.  It also provided a daily reminder of a commitment to health, which in turn led to better behaviors.  Plus, having it be so convenient and the same cost as some Lean Cuisine or fast food, meant I would regularly forego the temptation to eat that stuff in favor of the Shakeology.... with so many more nutrients, it isn't even comparable.

All of these are just some of the reasons I have been drinking Shakeology for the past year.  I'm not kidding or exaggerating.  I really mean it when I say I love it and I noticed a real difference in how I feel with it (sidenote: my vision and thyroid have also improved over the last year).  My kids love it as well and beg me for it.  It serves as a nice bribery tool.  My kindergartner hates to eat lunch but would never complain if I offered Shakeology.  It is such a convenient meal when on the road or on vacation.  It's a great pre-race meal for me and keeps my blood sugar steady through the long triathlons.

So why would I stop drinking something so great, something I love, something that has truly changed my health for the better?  Well, that part is much harder to share and I will in Part Two.

weight loss

Oh good.... I'm right on track....

good day

That day when you finally get to a gosh dang number you haven't seen in a full year, score a new outfit on Target clearance for less than $8, and catch husband checking you out in said new outfit. Now if only I had a working oven and completely clean house, all would be right in the world. Can't have it all I guess. 

sticking to goals as a mom

Want to know how to stay on point as a mom? Tell your kids your plans. I've intentionally never talked to my kids about my weight or weight loss because I don't want them to become focused on that themselves. However, this time around I HAVE talked with them regularly about my goals that are related to healthy living and to my challenge group. I've involved them in exercise with me and I've shown it as an example and priority. Welllllll.... This last week I slacked. I had excuses...some good (pulled hip muscle) and some not (no time). I focused on a lot of other things that were also important to me and a priority. Didn't think anyone noticed. Well, yesterday P (9) asked me if I had been exercising lately and when I replied that I hadn't the last few days she asked why I didn't do it while they were at school. Today W (10) pointed out that we didn't do plank Saturday yesterday...or the last few. (In my defense I did do a week or two without him).

yikes

Ok. Here's the deal. Tonight I caught myself literally scavenging in my kitchen for bad food. I have wanted bad food all day and it's only gotten worse as the day has gone on. I haven't really made bad choices through the day but haven't made the best ones either. When I did eat I felt full really quickly and then I didn't want to eat. 
Anyway, I was to the point of being mad that there wasn't crap in my house to eat. I wanted my 'fix' and I was just about to go to the store to get it. Then it occurred to me WHY. I have a skin infection that has come on very very suddenly and very painfully. Try as I may, I have been unable to distract myself from it. I can't touch it but it itches. It hurts and I have a headache from it. I was desperate for a stomachache to take my mind off the other pain. That's why I wanted junk so badly, and lots of it. There's an addict for ya. There's total transparency and honesty for ya. 
I had some Greek yogurt and some grape nuts instead and have climbed in bed with my ice water beside me, crochet in my lap, and something on the tv to distract me until I fall asleep instead.

90 Day Results

I finished ChaLean Extreme and I won the challenge group I had been participating in that just ended (I'm in another one now and doing Les Mills Combat).

My results?  Not a lot of weight lost.  A lot of inches shed.  17+ in fact.  Dropped about 5% body fat as well.

More than that?  The confidence that comes from sticking to something through the end.  The ability to see a new me in the future again.  A belief in self.  No more inflammation.  Improved allergies and reflux.  Glowing skin.  Stronger hair and nails.  I think I might be able to beat someone at arm wrestling.  A great group of wonderful, supportive women who don't judge me because they realize we are all on the same journey in one way or another.  Better habits.  WAY fewer cravings that have made it easier to make good choices and conquer an addiction because my agency is being restored and I have the support I need- emotionally and physically.  A sense of purpose and a feeling of gratitude for a way that this weakness and challenge in my life can be turned for the better.  Joy from helping others make changes as well and motivation from them as they become my supporters too.

the truth of the matter.

Please be patient with me as I try to work through some feelings I am having.  You know when you can feel something gnawing at you and you know it has something to do with your foul mood, but you don't know what that is precisely?  I have some ideas of mine (that have to do with things other than the kids fighting all day or the lack of sleep last night because of kids waking me up etc) but I need to write to sort it out.

First, I think it's okay to not feel perfect or perfectly okay with things all the time.  I think it's important to be honest about your feelings.  This is something I have felt strongly about all my life.  Maybe because I didn't get enough validation of my feelings and I was seeking it?  I don't know.  I do know that I have found myself greatly blessed at times because of my willingness to not always paint a perfect picture of my life.  There is good and there is bad and I'm willing to bet your life is that way too.  Being realistic doesn't make me pessimistic.  On the contrary, I've felt quite content and happy and just plain 'good' for the last while.  Does that mean there haven't been the moments of struggle amidst those?  Absolutely not.  But really, I've been good and I've felt uplifted and empowered and like I have really just been doing the absolutely very best I can with what I can.  So I guess when I was excited about having lost a couple pounds after a couple of weeks of gaining little bits (which is expected when you're putting on muscle and hard even when you're losing inches), I felt a bit defensive when someone else's response was "I've noticed your attitude was a lot better this last week as well."  Okayyyyy.  First, this implied to me that my attitude had not been good previously, something that I felt quite differently about.  Second, it implied that my lack of weight loss was attributed to a bad attitude.  What if my bad attitude was because of a lack of weight loss?  Or what if I was having a hard time because I wasn't sleeping well and there are countless studies about that making it harder to lose weight and then what if I finally had a week of good sleep, in which I of course then felt better?  What am I to do?  This statement made has really bothered me.  I realize this means I probably need to confront the person who said it.  I'm not really sure how to go about doing that.

Along the same lines... One of the things I love about Beachbody is the fact that they do emphasize a lot of personal development.  They really push that for you to be successful in your change for a healthier lifestyle you need to have a full-bodied approach to it and work to change the inside as well.  I think this is fantastic.  My trouble lies in my religious beliefs and experiences.  There is a lot of push for reading personal development books.  What are your thoughts on this?  By personal development books I think of the ones like "7 Habits... " etc.  I feel like if I am going to be focusing on personal development I need to be doing so through the scriptures and through church-provided ARP resources.  I feel like there's an easy in for Satan through that channel and that I've encountered a lot of people who heavily promote those kind of books but then are so ego-centric.  I need humility to change....but my humility also tells me I need help and is the help in those books??  I know I am in a vulnerable place and I don't want to get caught up in pushes for 'this effective habit' or 'that method of success' that will detract from the need to focus on my Savior as my source of strength and change...because I know that is so easy to do and I know that it would detract me even from focusing inwardly on myself even though that sounds contradictory to what a self-help book would do.  Does that make any sense?  Like I would find myself focusing on following some outlined steps or habits and living up to some worldly set standard rather than listening for personal revelation and simply reading church materials.  I know there is a quote about reading the Book of Mormon being the best way for an individual to change.  Then I think, am I just resisting this because it is different for me and the addict in me doesn't want me to change?  I guess I feel confused and so alone in this thought process about it.  And pressured to feel differently, which leaves me even more confused.  At the same time,  I know that as a wife dealing with my husband's addiction and with trying to understand my relationship in it, there were books that helped me tremendously and that I would not have been able to reach my state of healing without.  With the exception of Healing the Shame that Binds You (which was recommended to me by my therapist as a means of understanding my husband but which I highly recommend to anyone), they were all books that dealt specifically with pornography addiction or some facet of that.  They were much more specific.  They weren't about how to be successful or purposeful or whatnot.

What else?

I feel like I have something very special and specific to give but I don't know what it is.  I don't know if I'm missing it, distracted by other things, or if it just isn't my time.  I have thoughts about things I should or need to write about and then I don't because I don't take the time or I let myself get distracted by other things.  That or I question if it 'fits' (which is silly since I'm still not sure whether I should write more of my experience recovering from food addiction or as the wife of a recovered sex addict or if I should not worry about distinguishing between the two, in which case there is no need to determine if it 'fits').  I am so inspired by some of the other blogs or articles I read or I sometimes read some and think just how very much I can relate because I was there and am so grateful to not be there...and I want so desperately to provide those people with some real hope.  I want to be an instrument in the Lord's hands but I don't know how or if it just isn't the right time.  I pray about it and get no real answer.  Maybe I'm praying about the wrong thing.  Maybe I'm not being patient enough.  I know that I have been given some very special counsel in the past that told me I would be a light in the darkness for many and that I needn't worry about what should be said at the time because it would come to me.... I want so badly to fulfill that (I felt so fulfilled in that respect as a sponsor and when I was facilitating the PASG meetings) because I want to please my Heavenly Father and because I know how 'right' it feels for me.  I hope that this blog does that somewhat for even a few out there.  I know that it has seen an incredible number of visitors (over 1000 hits in less than a month) but I don't know much about many of you and how I can help you because I don't hear from many.  I want to help.  If you don't feel comfortable leaving a comment or if you have a question or a post suggestion that you'd rather not leave in a comment I beg you to email me at halabilly {at} gmail {dot} com.  I don't say any of this because I seek the praises of the world.  I have to catch myself to make sure that isn't where my motivation is.  I just feel desperately like I have something to give or some mission I can fulfill that I am just falling short of recognizing or realizing and I need that.  For me.

There is more.... it has to do with how triggered I am feeling right now, how I am struggling with the stresses of summer on my marriage, how I just ate a bag of cookies without realizing it- even if they were 'clean' ones I made from scratch myself, how things are good and not all at once, how I miss my mom, how the kids really drove me crazy today and I felt like I went back in time to about 3 years ago---which then makes me a little crazy because sometimes those things are also symptoms of some behind-the-scenes-not-so-good-behavior going on...which then can trigger you to be crazy and feel like you need to check and recheck and question trust....or they can just be symptoms of the fact that you're human and living a life....and the questioning of it all makes you a little crazy in itself and leaves you a little wondering if it's really going to always be this way even though you know that in a moment of sanity you feel like it's maybe not and that if it is you at least have a good relationship with your Savior to keep you grounded and rooted.......

summa-summa-summa-summatime

Dang, I feel like it's been forever since I blogged.  Having the kids home from school just plain throws all schedules crazy.  Prior to that, I had a cah-ray-zay week preparing for my great-grandma's 100th birthday party.  I had some stuff thrown on me last minute that required a whole lot more time than I think anyone even still realizes and I still needed to attempt to keep my house in order for company coming.  That was a sort of up and down week as I did catch myself falling into old behaviors of hyperfocusing and not eating.  However, I am proud to report that I caught on to that and forced myself to eat regularly and to devote time to self-care and exercise before it got too out of hand.  I was a bit disappointed in how far it went but I reminded myself that this is a journey and I am still progressing toward perfection, toward making my stumbling blocks my strengths.  Having my accountability group most definitely kept me from falling down into that spiral of starving/binging or stress eating because I had somewhere I needed to report to each night and real people to whom I was committed to being accountable to.

So that was a couple of weeks ago.  I took a day at the beginning of last week to recover from it all and then I set to having summer with my children.  I found myself actively engaging in their lives and being present in the moments.  In summers past we would have an outing once a week and that would generally be my limit for all the effort it took or because I just didn't want to be in public.  I don't know if it is that they are older or if it is the change in me, or if it was just a fluke week.... But we literally went somewhere every single day and it was my idea. We had a grand time visiting the park, the library, a warehouse sale, going out to lunch, spending the afternoon at the waterpark, going to the farmer's market, shopping and more.  Every night was one of those nights where I felt 'done' but in a glorious way.  I had decided I was going to really give my efforts an extra push in my workouts and my eating.  I did it and it felt good to stick to that.  I'm sure eating all that healthy food helped my energy and moods also.  Still, I felt like I was different.

I do need to report something big.  Remember when I said I would make it up that hill on my bike by the end of the summer?  I did it!  On Saturday.  DH had said a few weeks earlier "I don't see why you can't get up it now. I bet you could if you really tried."  It was enough to get me thinking.  I didn't make it up the hills on the triathlon in one fell swoop.  Most of the ladies' took a breather here and there.  So who was to say I couldn't get to the top if I just took some time along the way to catch my breath?  So that's precisely what I did.  I'll have to blog about that separately just because it was it's own accomplishment and boy did I have Satan putting those thoughts in my head.  Nevertheless, I made it!

So, guess what that means?  It means I took the plunge and I registered for IronGirl. Oh man, I got such crazy jitters and nerves for it that I had to distract myself right away.  I'm scared and nervous and excited all at once.  The best part though was when I told DH what I had done.  His face lit up just the way that it did watching our children take their first steps.  I wish I'd had a camera ready to capture that look because I'm convinced it will get me through any difficulty in training or in completing the race come race day.  I can do hard things....but it is the support of others, including my Heavenly Father, that gives me that ability.  There was another reason to me signing up for IronGirl on Monday.  It was the day after Father's Day.  For me, that means it was the anniversary of D-Day (discovery of my husband's addiction & when I asked him to leave) in our household.  I've had a lot of projects lately that have required going back through old photos or our 'history' and I've realized how much of my personal spiral of weight and whatnot really was tied to that D-Day and the time since.  It has been 3 years since that day.  So much has happened in that time.  I felt like I wanted to mark the day differently and mark it as my own rebirth somehow now, because it was what I needed.  I thought about how I feel jealous of the commitment of new moms to immediately get their pre-baby bodies back.  How 'if only' I'd done this sooner I wouldn't have been like this for so long.  How I've had it in me all along.  And yet, I know that I needed that time to get to this point.  Some people have big a-ha moments that solidify their testimonies.  For me, I have always received revelation and had my testimony built up line upon line and through small confirming signs that just sort of all add up for me.  I've always been that way.  When I prayed about whether marrying DH was the right thing for me to do, I didn't get some 'yes' answer.... I got several smaller answers that added up to a confirmed 'yes'.  It must be how I learn.  That is why I have to be easy on myself for allowing myself to be fat so long, for allowing myself to listen to others' voices instead of my own, for letting the negativity in, for feeling defeatist.  I can see now that I needed to take that journey deep into the dark abyss to get to the heart of it all, to be broken to the core, to feel myself being rebuilt to be stronger, only to then have the imperfect parts chipped away.  I know that it is a slow process and how quickly the last 3 years have passed when it seemed they never would helps me be more patient with myself.  It feels merciful.  I started multiple times in the last 3 years to lose the weight or to change my habits or to make myself better.  I am better in many ways.  However, the major change in my addictive behaviors requires a lot more effort and attention than I would have had the energy for in that time. I needed the life experiences to teach me things and show me my own strength and character along the way.  

Of course after making a major commitment and feeling like I'd reached a new and positive step in my journey, I would have to face a setback.  That's the way it goes right?  No sooner had I taken the photos below than I suddenly found myself stuck on my living room floor.  Turns out I pulled a muscle in my back, maybe two.  So this week has been far different from last.  My sweet children have been wonderful and largely cared for themselves.  My older children have been taking care of giving the youngest his breathing treatments since he has been sick.  They've brought me food in bed, get well cards, and not destroyed the house while I slept away the days.  Even just half a muscle relaxer completely knocks me out.  I finally got to do a little workout again today.  I wasn't sure if it would be okay or not but I could feel that pull.... that 'ease' of lying around....that little wagging finger of the dark side saying 'it's ok...just come hang out here for a while'.  So far, I'm still mobile (wasn't there for awhile).  It can be so depressing to have your body take such a far step backward but I'm confident that as the injury heals I will be able to give it my all again and the strength will quickly return.  That's how life is isn't it?

I'm pretty sure I was going to write more or I was going to go back and reread this to make sure it all flowed correctly.  At this point I'm just going to post it and be done with it.  I keep getting interrupted and I have children calling my name to make dinner.  So I suppose if it sounds a little strange I can just blame it on that, or on the pain pills that may still be in my system.  ;)  Hope you are all doing fabulously!  

scratch that

There's a reason you should generally weigh at consistently the same time and on the same day of the week.  Your body just fluctuates so much.  Monday is my normal day for that so I decided to go ahead just in case it was better than yesterday.  It was.  I did gain .4 lbs this week but that's not bad, especially since I lost 5.25" this week.  Seriously.  Can you believe it?  That's actually my biggest loss of inches in a single week yet.
So overall I'm at having gotten rid of 4.2 pounds and 13.25 inches since starting the challenge group on April 29th.  That I can live with.

I did my first day of the Push Circuit for ChaLean Extreme today.  LOVED it!  I nearly cried a couple of times and I said a lot of bad words in my head.  I think I yelled a couple of times too.  But taking those stats and pictures that made me cry yesterday lit a fire under me and I was determined to really push myself during this Push phase of the program.  So I did.  My muscles were tired and felt shaky afterward but I felt amazing.  Seriously.  Like a total high.  Better than any food is going to get me.  Also, I felt incredibly strong because I was lifting weights as heavy as Chalene Johnson or her sister Jenelle Summers- fitness professionals.  Maybe they don't really lift that.  Maybe they do it in the video to make you feel better.  If that's the case it worked. ;)  I did a strength training class in college and today I was doing bicep curls at the same weight I recall doing them back then.  I should find that paper I had where I recorded all that.  There is a mental power to feeling physically strong... especially when you feel like people look at you and see someone who is weak.  Do you do that when you see someone who is overweight?  You don't know what's really in there.



Also, just an FYI-  Beachbody is having a killer sale this week only.  I'm thinking I might just load up on a few things.  I know some people who really love TurboFire and the Energy & Endurance that are half off.

And a final note.... I remembered that summer is upon us.  How could I forget right? Well, I remembered that summer is typically a very difficult time in our household.  My husband's line of work means that summer is pretty stressful and that tends to spill over at home.  He was better about it last year.  We did, however, receive some news that means this year will be particularly stressful at work.  It is a trigger for him and it is a trigger for me.  Sometimes we feel like we need to celebrate come September just having survived a summer together.  Sometimes I feel like moving away for just the summer.  It is also when the big bam 'D-Day' occurred 3 years ago.  3 years? Really?  Has it been that long?  I'll have to double-check that, but, yes, I do believe so.  Even still.  It got me to thinking that I am glad that I know I have a support network and some plans in place that will help me get through the summer.  I'm glad that I have a place to stay accountable when I am tempted by stress eating.  I am glad that I honestly don't even feel those cravings as bad anymore and that I can tell there is a deeper, more lasting, change going on within me.  I don't have to dread this summer.  I have something to look forward to.

30day progress report

Feeling pretty conflicted today. This is the 30 day progress I promised. I have SO far to go that it is discouraging. I remind myself that a number on a scale is just a number and doesn't define me. Still I feel so disheartened to only lose a couple of pounds. Yet, I am down 11 inches and 2.5% body fat using the caliper method- putting me in the average range, despite how I look. I know my fitness has improved, I can feel it when I lift heavier weights and when I run up the stairs without losing my breath or am able to push myself harder running on the treadmill. I know my energy has improved and my mind just feels so much more clear. My habits are changing as are my thoughts & attitudes toward things. I see definition that doesn't come across well in the pics and that makes me happy. Still.... That darn scale. It just leaves me depressed. Why am I posting this? Because I committed to doing so and because I know it will keep me accountable. I don't do it to fish for validation or feedback to make me feel better. I do it because I know I need to to keep myself going, to rid myself of my own self shame, and because I'm sure that out there somewhere is someone a lot like me.  I don't intend to make any excuses for myself.  It was a rough week.  I was sick or something- still trying to figure that out- and so I didn't workout half the week or eat anything but carbs and my Shakeology because my stomach just couldn't do it.  I only felt good when I had my shake so I'm so glad that I did.  Who knows how that affected things today but I didn't want to use that as an excuse.  I know I've lost more weight than that but I typically weigh on a different day and I have a feeling I've gained this week and am seeing the sad effects of that.  I am more than a number.  Still, I need that number to change so much more than it has.  I won't quit.  I can't quit..... because I told myself that I would see this all the way through the 90 days and trust the process.  I've made myself accountable to anyone reading this (which must be someone given the amount of hits this blog is getting without comments).  So I'll just keep keepin' on......

facing the music

::sigh::  I really did not want to step on the scale or grab the measuring tape this morning.  I knew it would mean having to face the weekend's damage.  I feel icky and bloated and crampy.  Sorry if that's too much detail for y'all.  I have a few days yet though before I get to just have that part happen, dealt with, and over.  Can't believe I can't wait.  In the meantime, life keeps happening and I have to fight the spiral to not throw in the towel for the week and undo all the work I've done thus far.  I think that's what's happened before.  It needs to happen no longer.  I've been thinking of some coping strategies.  Number one, I decided that maybe I need to allow myself extra focus on self-care knowing that it is a difficult and triggering time of the month.  Maybe that will give me extra strength and an extra outlet for triggering feelings.  So, the laundry piles might just stay on the couch today and I might just stay in my craft room instead.  I also need to make absolutely certain that I do not miss a single workout because I know how much that helps.  I might even add in additional workouts.  I have to commit to logging all of my food and being super accountable for the week.  I have to recognize that I am having a hard time, feeling triggered, and talk about it.  I did that last night with DH and it was good.  I was feeling triggered on both ends- as the wife of an addict and as an addict myself- so it was good to have a little conversation about what was causing it.  So maybe I can be done with it all.  I will beat myself this week.  I am glad it is Monday.  I may have gained just over a pound this week.  I still lost an inch.  Small victories.

2 wk progress

I am totally embarrassed about this photo.  However, I committed to transparency and honesty and accountability.  I was having the whole debate tonight with the temptation to do some quick fix.  I have these pills near my nightstand for one 'cleanse' or 'accelerator' or another.  They were tempting me.  It's not even like I haven't been seeing good weight loss and measurement results either.  There is no reason for that temptation other than the damage done by past extreme dieting and the lure of trying to look better for upcoming family events and pictures...and the thought of being around people who have been known to openly critique my looks in the past.  I'm not going to cave though.  Having these thoughts doesn't mean I don't like me and don't like me now.  So I thought I would take a picture.  I have been drinking Shakeology for 2 weeks now.  I have been in this challenge & accountability group for about 2 1/2 wks now.  I have done ChaLean Extreme for 2 weeks now.  Well...technically Saturday would be 2 weeks since I started on a Saturday, but tomorrow is my rest day and Sat would technically be my start of week 3 so.....
I know 2 weeks is hardly time to see any real change.  However, I do think I see (and feel) some and I wanted to see if it was all in my head.  I hope not.  Not that that is my motivator.  Still.  I'm human.  I look at this and do the mental math imagery of what may actually be possible in the 10 more weeks to come.  This change repeating 5 more times.  Plus, I know that time is going to pass by so quickly.  Sometimes I look at these awesome transformation pictures, especially of those doing the same program as I and I feel so motivated, hopeful, and encouraged.  Then in the next split second that little voice in my head says "well, that was them.  I can't possibly have something similar."  As if I am defective or undeserving.  That Satan...he's a tricky one....
I will post 30 day progress pictures as that's pretty Beachbody standard.  2 weeks is not. Sooooo.....here goes.... please be nice.....

I promise I did not shrink in height.  DH is fired for not being consistent in where he takes the pictures from.  I  couldn't remember which shirt I was wearing or which way I was facing.
p.s. In case you are curious what ChaLean is, HERE is a preview. 

good article

I meant to share this yesterday.  It is a fantastic read that you will find fits in really well with this blog.  Check it out here.  Here is a glimpse:

If you’re trying to lose weight simply because you want to lose a bunch of weight, then it’s going to be extremely difficult to lose weight.

Here’s what I mean: most people who have extra pounds attack their body fat as if it was some foreign and hostile invader. We honestly believe that this excess weight is “not me.” So, we do our best get rid of this unwanted yuk that seems to be ruining our ability to have a good time. And it all makes sense. But here’s the rub – weight loss strategies don’t work. This isn’t headline news. Any study that has any scientific morals and scruples bears this out in the long term. If there was a weight loss diet or pill or program or gizmo that truly worked, we’d all know about it and guys like me would’ve been thankfully out of a job long ago.

What I’m saying is that if there was one single reason why we don’t lose weight – it’s because ourreason for wanting to do so is all off, which leads us to invent or undertake weight loss methods that fail us. Again, most people want to lose weight simply to get the weight off.

The problem is, the weight is there for a reason and it has a message. It has a deeper purpose. It’s talking to us. The wisdom of life, of the cosmos, of the grand design of all that is  - speaks through the human body in the form of symptoms. We are fashioned with a brilliant operating system that has our biology taking direct orders from divine intelligence. Excess weight is a messenger from a higher source. If you kill the messenger – that is, if you actually do lose the weight but don’t get the wisdom it’s trying to impart – the messenger returns. 99% of people who lose weight on a weight loss diet gain it back. There’s no moral failure here. It’s not about eating less calories or switching to skim instead of half and half. We just didn’t listen deeply enough.

good day.

It was a good day.  Which I needed after last night.  I survived my workout even though I wasn't sure I would a couple of times.  I took my measurements because I forgot to yesterday.  I'm basically back to where I was when I stopped P90X at the end of February.  I'm very happy about that, especially since that's just after a week.  Also, lost a full inch off just my waist.  In a week.  I'll take it!

I noticed after my shower today that my hair didn't 'shed' when I brushed it out.  I'm sure it's just a girl problem but brushing my hair out after the shower, or after having it in a ponytail, usually means at least a clump or two of broken hair strands following suit.  For me it's often also an indicator of my thyroid medication needing to be adjusted.  Well, it was so different today that I noticed.  That and the fact that my face always looks like I just put moisturizer on lately.  Could these really be effects of the changes I've made (cleaner eating, Shakeology, daily serious exercise) in only a week's time?  That seems crazy to me.  I feel like I'm crazy noticing these things- or that I'm just wanting to see something even.  Then DH told me today that I looked healthier....that he couldn't tell why or what it was but that I did.  What a great compliment, to look healthy.

I found out today that the date for IronGirl was changed to October.  It is normally held in May so I had decided I would really shoot for doing it next year.  But October?  My heart was racing every bit as fast as it did the night before I did the Triathamom race.  I think that means I need to do it.  The idea of doing it terrifies me.  The idea of finally doing something I told myself years ago that I wanted to do excites me.  It also still terrifies me.  Then again...I have sort of tried to do at least one thing each year that really scares me.  It's part of my growing process.  I've just got to come up with the money and I'm going to register.  AAahhh!  It makes me panicky to put even that.  This is my year though and I know I will be so ready for it by then.  There is nothing quite like that race.  I bawled for women I didn't even know as I watched their triumph in crossing that finish line.  I couldn't contain it and I had no idea why.... Only that I needed to be a part of it.  I hope I can.

Oh...and I bought myself some new workout clothes tonight because I am sweating so much in what I've got and just can't keep up with the laundry.  And I needed to get a size smaller than what I'd grabbed.

scale

I hopped on the scale this morning just because I am used to weighing in on Saturdays now. Also, I am starting my ChaLean Extreme workout program/schedule today so I wanted to have a baseline for that specifically. I'm pumped.

I started in the accountability and challenge group on Monday. I started 30 minutes of exercise that day- jogging or biking because I was waiting on my program and those are what I felt like doing. I started drinking Shakeology on Wednesday when it arrived. As of today, Saturday, I am down 2.5 lbs. that's every bit that I gained in my time between P90X and now when I was struggling to get refocused after being sick and also going on vacation for a week. I can't tell you how thrilled I am about that. I know that it will fluctuate from time to time because weight does that, especially when adding muscle. However, it's awesome to be back at that benchmark for starting my neck workout phase because I feel like then I can really get a sense of the difference between the two, for me, and also see the difference Shakeology can make for me. 

work it and take your measurements!

I was looking back at previous entries of weight loss amounts and inches lost. I noticed something. When I did Ideal Protein I lost about the same amount of inches as with P90X, in half the amount of time, and with three times as much weight loss. One month was about 15" and 14 lbs. 2 months of P90X was about 12" and 5lbs. Now which would you do? Which do you think is going to have the more lasting and dramatic results? I'd say the one that sheds greater inches with fewer pounds. It's the good ol' tried and true method of hard work. In the end that is going to reap such greater benefits. It also is going to look so much better. Who would rather see flabby skin hanging than tightened and toned? Not I. I'm looking forward to seeing more changes in me as I go through the year. I am loving my Shakeology. No joke. I've tried all kinds of protein shakes (Isagenix, store brands, Vemma, Ideal Protein, Nutrisytem) and I can tell you this really is my favorite. That's a post for another time though.  In the meantime, check out this pic I keep on my phone as a reminder. 5lbs of fat versus 5lbs of muscle:

60 days P90X (without Shakeology)

reasons you might stay fat...and, yes, you can change that.

I just came across this while going through old files on my computer.  I must have copied and pasted it from somewhere, or even typed it up from some magazine article.  I don't recall the source, so forgive me.  I thought it had some good stuff to it though:

22 Reasons You Might Stay Fat

1. You are still looking for a quick-and-easy solution to weight loss.
2. You think that diet and exercise are the only essential factors in weight loss.
3. You have not identified the psychological reasons that drive your eating patterns.
4. You have not learned to manage or heal the psychological reasons that drive your eating patterns.
5. You have a fear of or resistance to growing up and becoming a full adult.
6. You use food as a reward or a treat after any or all stressful events.
7. You think you can lose weight without making exercise a regular part of your day, every day.
8. You think you can lose weight by doing it “your way.”
9. You expect to lose weight without making significant lifestyle changes.
10. You refuse to learn to become a good receiver as well as a good giver.
11. You have never learned to be effectively and appropriately assertive.
12. You have not learned to express your anger in a healthy, honest fashion.
13. You have not learned to be self-nurturing except with food.
14. You are excessively self-critical.
15. You resist or refuse to take responsibility for your life.
16. You resist learning to love yourself.
17. You resist learning to love your body before it is thin.
18. You have not faced your inner fears of being thin.
19. You are certain that spirituality (a connection to a force greater than you) is irrelevant to weight loss.
20. You think you can lose significant weight without the support of others.
21. You have deep emotional wounds that you refuse to explore and heal.
22. You are not prepared to have weight be an issue that you will have to face each and every day of the rest of your life.

O.K., now you have some incredibly important information about yourself and what is blocking your weight loss. You now have a choice. You can get depressed and go into denial or avoidance and eat or you can choose to make a renewed and informed commitment to your growth and well-being. This decision could change your life and your body for good. Decide. You can do it.

gratitude and hope.

My biggest hesitation with any 'diet' program has always been whatever cost is associated with it. Some of them are pretty pricey.  The large cost was actually part of my commitment when I did Nutrisystem.  When you can barely afford it, you'd better make it worth your while.

Well, that's how I was feeling about the Shakeology investment.  I really wanted to be a part of a group and community that would give me support as well as accountability...and that would do so without judgment.  Part of the challenge group, though, is replacing a daily meal with Shakeology.  It's a big investment.  However, I have over the years read oh so many an article about this nutrient or that supplement and their health benefits as well as benefits to weight loss.  I remember commenting to DH that 'wouldn't it be nice if there was just one of those magic drinks that had all those amazing magic foods in it'?  Seriously, I said that.  Years ago. I didn't realize that Shakeology really did have all those foods I was referring to in it.  It already existed.  Anywho....I've been drinking protein shakes for a while.  I've sampled cleanses and supplements and protein shakes from most of those major companies out there.  Honestly, I love the Isagenix Cleanse for Life and I did notice a difference daily when I took it.  I even had to fight my son to not let him drink big glasses of it every day because he loved it so much too.  But I really hate the way the company is set up and how difficult it is to just get product.  And their shakes and supplements?  Gag me with a spoon.  I am a huge fan of Chris Powell so I jumped on his Bod-e line with Vemma.  I was convinced it was going to be my missing link.  Truth be told, the shake (vanilla and chocolate) was 'okay'.  It needed something added to it and I had to drink it pretty quickly but I did enjoy it.  There's this weird aftertaste, almost like it has jalapenos in it.  I dunno.  They have a 7 day cleanse product that I did really like.  I noticed a real difference in my energy and focus when taking it (you have to go a week between each weekly course at minimum).  However, I had an awful experience with their customer service and will seriously never go back as a result.  I felt completely betrayed as a customer and don't feel I can trust them with my business.

So, here I am waiting for my Shakeology to arrive.  I got curious after reading about major success with digestion, migraine, mood, and other issues.  I want DH to try it because, let's just say, there's a long family history of digestion issues for he and his family.  It would be so wonderful to have something that completely turned things around for them.  I am anxious to try it, yes, because I want to see if it does make a difference with the weight loss...but also because I'm curious if it will help with my allergies.  It has reportedly great effects on inflammation.  So that got me to thinking that maybe it would give me some allergy relief.  Seriously, I am so desperate.  I'm allergic to everything in the air and I'm allergic to over half the allergy medications out there.  It gets so old not being able to breathe out your nose or having to hide in your house and shower twice a day on windy days.  This year has been particularly bad, leaving me wheezy and needing my rescue inhaler on really windy days.  So, that's what I'm out to investigate for myself.  I would consider it a miracle if it does provide me relief but I'm willing to give it a go.  Yes, I've tried local bee pollen.  That doesn't seem to make a dent either.

I am feeling extremely hopeful and enthusiastic about this whole challenge group and Shakeology thing.  Not just because the enthusiasm of others' is contagious.  It's because I feel really genuinely supported in it.  I worried and prayed about the cost.  I even went to the temple as I shared previously.  I thought about it for a long while.  It was like the Lord just needed me to make the decision, to show that willingness and commitment, and He began opening the Heavens to show me of His support and acknowledgment.  We received an influx of orders for our Etsy shop like never before.  That first month's investment is totally covered in just those, which is considered extra income for us because we never know how busy we will be.  I am so very grateful.  I feel like it was His way of saying "You got this."  I'm committed to it and really giving it a full effort.  What I ordered was a new workout, just for a change even though I love me some P90X, and the Shakeology.  I have enough of that for a month to see if it makes a real difference.  I already know what a difference a Beachbody program can make without it.  I am having faith, and I am full of it and hope, that it is the right thing and that the future expense of it will work itself out because I know I have the Lord on my side.  I just cannot express what a feeling that is to really feel and know it.  I've felt it before when going through a really difficult time in my life.  I'm sad, and human, to say that I let that intense feeling fade away into the shuffle of the craziness of life.  I'm immensely grateful to have it back.  It fills me with hope and gladness.

visual motivation

It's important to have visual motivation around you to remind you of the goals you have set.  I have put this off with excuses like "I don't want friends or neighbors to see old pictures of me and how thin I used to be" or "I don't want my kids to put too much emphasis on body image."  In the end, though, it is only hurting myself and keeping me from maintaining focus.  Really, this is true of any goal or ideal.  Have you ever tried taking a picture of your kids' room when it was completely clean and perfect and posting it in their room?  It works pretty darn well as a regular reminder and motivator without you needing to say anything.

So here is a little about these pictures:

• At the top left is me with my good friend A who is a professional triathlete. She is a rockstar mom who has motivated me a lot and who I admire for pushing herself past an eating disorder and a back disorder. 
• Next is me (in black) at about 20lbs less than I am now. I look at it and think, 'hey I look pretty good' even though I know that most would be aghast at what the scale still said then. It reminds me that I may have a long way to go but that small start makes a huge difference. 
• In the white shirt and hat is a candid shot taken by one of my kids. I don't want to be afraid of them taking pictures of me. 
• Below that was a 'simulation' my brother did for me when I did Nutrisystem when I was halfway to my goal & showing what I'd look like at goal. 
• The one with my sister is at her wedding (2 months after my last was born)--- there may be some more family weddings coming in the very near future and I want to know that I look my best. 
• In the swimsuit is another candid shot taken by one of my kids. What swimsuit picture isn't motivation? 
• The paddleboat is because we will probably be going to Lake Las Vegas at the end of summer and that is where it was taken. It means hanging out poolside. 
• The picture below with all our family at my daughter's baptism.... Well, that was last Labor Day. We have a big family reunion coming up in July and it will be the first that a lot of them will see me since then. I want to look noticeably better. That and at my Great-Grandma's 100th bday party on June 8th (*which is what the pic of her at her 90th is for). 
• Next to that is my main supporters.... my husband (when we were dating in HS) and my mom, who passed away not long after this picture but who I know is my cheerleader from the other side. We used to go to the gym together regularly and that was a favorite thing for me as a teenager.
• Ok... So then there is me holding the Olympic torch. No, I didn't run with it, but it was a pretty amazing feeling just holding it.  I think of the amazing feeling of those athletes pushing themselves to their best.
• There's another more 'full' picture of me in a swimsuit. I had lost weight on HCG prior and when I see this picture I think how it doesn't take much to look so much better but then I also see how flabby and loose my skin is- so that reminds me that I'm not looking to just drop a bunch quickly. 
• I have a couple pictures on my board of me pregnant to remind myself that I do NOT look pregnant even though I might think I do. 
• I have the Triathamom logo and me with my 'medal' as a reminder of things I have put my mind to and done...that I CAN do hard things and not to listen to anyone else say otherwise. And because I want to do the race again and knock my prior time out of the park. 
• In the white shirt was when I was about halfway to my goal weight on NS. 
• Above that is 2 of my oldest kids with their Kids Rock Marathon medals. We mostly did it together but I'd love to be able to do more of something like that with them. I don't want them to 'beat me' even if they're younger. ;) 
• The main picture on the bottom was taken 2 days before I found out I was pregnant with #3. I was 15lbs from goal...my lowest weight ever that I can recall. That's the person I know is in me...and that confidence in front of the camera. I remember telling my husband to take a picture of me because I wanted to record how awesome I felt. 
• There is a picture of me laying on a hippo statue and saying "I'm not a hippo anymore". My husband thought I was just joking around but he didn't realize how much of that sentiment felt true- how much I'd felt like a hippo. I want that back. 
• Above that is my family and I when I was a kid with Chuck Norris. He is an old family friend. It reminds me of youth and determination and of the karate family I am embarrassed to be around in my current state but want to go back to. 
• Next to that is me with the boogie board a month ago. I have been making myself do things that I might otherwise not because of my weight in the name of refusing to stop living my life anymore. Boogie boarding did not go well and I am convinced it will be better at the end of summer after this challenge that I am doing. 
• There are a couple other little pictures in there that remind me of the hiking I love (and the progress I'd made at losing 25 lbs- which is now 30 to go :S ) and of my upcoming family reunion.

wow.

I went to the temple tonight. I want to record this because I don't want to forget the feeling I had. I had a lot of different things on my mind as I went. While sitting in the session I was trying to clear my mind so that I could feel out one thing at a time and try to get the inspiration I needed. 

 

No sooner had my mind cleared that I started remembering the personal struggle I was having with myself and body image. I was trying to think through all my self-conflicts and thought patterns about it to feel out how I was to go about changing myself and losing weight. I found I couldn't even recall the negative thoughts I was battling. I could think of the struggle and the way I've been feeling, but I couldn't recall specific thoughts. Instead my mind and heart were filled with one repeating thought "You're beautiful." I FELT it. All through me. I felt it spoken to me but I also felt it in a way that I believed it of myself as well. I don't want to lose that. I want to focus on telling myself that several times a day, of loving and nourishing myself foremost, and using the gospel to change myself from the inside out. It is Satan and the world who makes me feel I need to do otherwise and that this weight needs to be gone yesterday. Those feelings are the source of the negative thoughts and the feelings of self doubt and hopelessness. I already know that I am healthy. My bloodwork is fantastic. That should take the pressure off and allow me to love me and do this the Lord's way....inside out. He already thinks I'm beautiful and isn't His the only opinion to matter? It's not like he doesn't know my every weakness and failure and 'bad part' but He still says I'm beautiful- and does so in such a way that I really feel it and feel the truth of it.