Showing posts with label temple. Show all posts
Showing posts with label temple. Show all posts
Saturday, August 31, 2013
just some fun in Utah
This was my day today. I rode my bike the longest yet, 24 miles on the Murdoch Canal Trail. Gorgeous! I would move back to Utah just for the trails. Then my baby brother went through the temple for the first time and I was able to be a part of that. Later that evening we celebrated another brother's birthday with a party at his house and my family's first time playing RockBand. Turns out my 6 year old is awesome on vocals.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
a little history lesson
I've been contacted recently by a few people who have wanted some more background on my relationship with my husband and the struggles we have gone through. There is some of it on this blog in further years back, but I realize not everyone reads older posts and even still there are a lot of holes there because I wasn't writing regularly at the time.
Although this happened a few years ago and although some of you may know some who are involved, I am sharing it out of a greater concern for those who I know need to hear this. Those who know my husband and his family, I trust to respect the privacy of those involved and to withhold judgement. This is the story of 'the situation' (as referenced in earlier posts) as I have told it to some recently. This was a major turning point and I feel that all of us involved have improved and found blessings since:
The Situation
AKA When I got my impression that divorce was okay
Well, it turns out that's where he was 'using'. My husband is different than most in that his primary porn source is actually literature. That's a whole lot harder to block with a filter. It's also a lot easier to disguise at work. It isn't that the pictures don't do it for him or that he never looks at them...but it is something about the living vicariously through the stories....
To say I was livid would be an understatement. Here he was telling me he was doing so good, going to recovery meetings, trying his best....and there is THIS at work? And I'm supposed to believe him?! How is he EVER supposed to be ok while that is there? Why is he, or his dad or ANY of the other LDS guys he works with okay with letting that be there? How do they expect the business to be successful (economy hasn't been so great here) and have the blessing of Heavenly Father while they allow THAT? How did he expect to build any kind of trust?
I felt like every day was this battle with Satan in my head. Like a full blown exhausting war was being waged within me and I hated it.
His dad got rid of the desk and my husband was FURIOUS with me. Seriously, I have seen him mad at other people but I have never seen him mad at me like that- before or since. He felt I went behind his back and was completely out of line. I refused to apologize. He quit talking to me. Of course this only fanned flames of doubt in my mind. If he was really making good choices then why would he react in such a way?That was when I went to the temple out of desperation because I was so confused about how to act, react, interpret...everything. I got a very distinct impression that I had 'done my part' finally- made every sacrifice possible to show my personal humility and willingness to put things in the Lord's hands and stood up for what was right...and that if I did not see changes in DH it would be okay to get a divorce because the Lord said I had made every effort on my end.
What's interesting though is that the very next week we went to the counselor together. I told him about the feeling I got at the temple. He finally talked about how my actions with the letter made him feel. We still didn't come to an agreement but it was as though my eyes were suddenly opened and I could see the broken man that he was who was just trying to do his best. It wasn't good enough in my book but it was all he had at that point in time. And that is why we are not divorced. I needed to be willing to completely give it all over (in my tailspin I had to finally reach the point where I accepted and acknowledged that inspiration and felt truly willing to take that next step even with all the fears and uncertainty- and judgement from others- that would come with it) I think now that I needed the Lord's validation of my feelings and path in the prompting I got at the temple. Feeling that validation scared me to death (like I was afraid of my own power or control of the situation) but led me to self-examination that led me to humility that allowed my eyes to be more fully opened.
Although this happened a few years ago and although some of you may know some who are involved, I am sharing it out of a greater concern for those who I know need to hear this. Those who know my husband and his family, I trust to respect the privacy of those involved and to withhold judgement. This is the story of 'the situation' (as referenced in earlier posts) as I have told it to some recently. This was a major turning point and I feel that all of us involved have improved and found blessings since:
The Situation
AKA When I got my impression that divorce was okay
First, you have to know the background....The nature of living in Las Vegas and being in the air conditioning industry means sometimes early mornings and late hours, especially during the summertime. So sometimes he'd tell me he was going to be home late or sometimes he'd go in early to unload a truck or get some things done before things got crazy once they opened.
So at the warehouse my kids sometimes run around and dad gives them rides on the forklift and that sort of thing. I don't recall how far into the whole recovery thing we were when I was walking around the warehouse while my boys played and came upon a sort of desk area that the warehouse workers (2 guys that he is over) had set up. There was a desk covered in pictures. Not the worst I've seen but the kind you'd find in GQ or Maxim.
To say I was livid would be an understatement. Here he was telling me he was doing so good, going to recovery meetings, trying his best....and there is THIS at work? And I'm supposed to believe him?! How is he EVER supposed to be ok while that is there? Why is he, or his dad or ANY of the other LDS guys he works with okay with letting that be there? How do they expect the business to be successful (economy hasn't been so great here) and have the blessing of Heavenly Father while they allow THAT? How did he expect to build any kind of trust?
And my son, who was turning 8 in a few months, had seen it all. So I was doubly livid.
Pretty sure I kicked him out again at that point. I could go ask him but he'd probably say "I try to block all that out of my mind."
This caused me major trouble. On the one hand I felt like he was doing well and he was choosing to go to meetings, saying how they help, doing steps and making personal changes I could see. On the other it felt like asking an alcoholic to work in a bar.
I felt like every day was this battle with Satan in my head. Like a full blown exhausting war was being waged within me and I hated it.
So he promised me that this desk will be gone. For weeks and months he tells me he has bugged this person or that person about needing to get rid of it. One person or another claims that they will but then they don't do anything. At that point he's still dealing with being major shame-based so he is having a hard time with how to say what but I say 'too bad, you better figure it out.' How was I supposed to believe that he was even saying anything to anyone anyway?
I kept trying to put my foot down, and being a situation involving others I didn't know at what point to draw what line. I had already drawn a boundary that no early or late hours or after hours weekend calls would be allowed and I was immensely grateful for the support received on that and lack of any fighting back about it. The company was moving their warehouse and he assured me that he was assured by the guys that the desk would not be making the move. So I opted to wait and see. He told me after the move that he was so mad at them because there it was and he was upset that he wasn't respected (which has been his issue at work and part of his background with his addiction) and nobody would take him seriously etc. I didn't know whether to believe and trust that he was genuinely as upset by this as I, or if he was trying to cover his tracks because he knew I'd look for it as soon as I visited him at work.
I continued to let it go for a little while after it but it was a serious thorn in my side and I needed it out. After praying I finally I needed to take matters into my own hands. I might not have any right to do anything at his place of employment, but I do have the right to say something to his boss if his boss is his father and I wasn't okay with letting that stay there. So I wrote a letter to both of his parents. I explained to them what he had told me of his version of the story, and my feelings about it. I told them how he needed to feel that he was supported by his family and that this was a way that could be done. Then I told them my feelings- that I was prepared to give him an ultimatum: me, the job, or the desk - and that I hoped that as his parents they would not want him to be in that position and that I did not want to have to find out the answer.
His dad got rid of the desk and my husband was FURIOUS with me. Seriously, I have seen him mad at other people but I have never seen him mad at me like that- before or since. He felt I went behind his back and was completely out of line. I refused to apologize. He quit talking to me. Of course this only fanned flames of doubt in my mind. If he was really making good choices then why would he react in such a way?That was when I went to the temple out of desperation because I was so confused about how to act, react, interpret...everything. I got a very distinct impression that I had 'done my part' finally- made every sacrifice possible to show my personal humility and willingness to put things in the Lord's hands and stood up for what was right...and that if I did not see changes in DH it would be okay to get a divorce because the Lord said I had made every effort on my end.
I was shocked, scared, and relieved to get that impression. And it sent me into a tailspin where I gained 10 lbs in less than a month but that's a different story.
What's interesting though is that the very next week we went to the counselor together. I told him about the feeling I got at the temple. He finally talked about how my actions with the letter made him feel. We still didn't come to an agreement but it was as though my eyes were suddenly opened and I could see the broken man that he was who was just trying to do his best. It wasn't good enough in my book but it was all he had at that point in time. And that is why we are not divorced. I needed to be willing to completely give it all over (in my tailspin I had to finally reach the point where I accepted and acknowledged that inspiration and felt truly willing to take that next step even with all the fears and uncertainty- and judgement from others- that would come with it) I think now that I needed the Lord's validation of my feelings and path in the prompting I got at the temple. Feeling that validation scared me to death (like I was afraid of my own power or control of the situation) but led me to self-examination that led me to humility that allowed my eyes to be more fully opened.
^THAT actually was the point at which I realized *I* had a problem. It makes me sad that it wasn't enough for me to change then but I accept now that it was and is a process. There have been bumps along the road for me personally since that time and I needed those experiences to teach me to help shape me to who I am now.
Something interesting that I learned is that we sometimes 'pad' ourselves. Quite frequently those who have eating disorders (on both ends of the spectrum) are unconsciously (or even consciously) trying to make themselves 'disappear'. The anorexic wants to become so small that she isn't noticed so nobody thinks to hurt her. The overweight wants to become undesirable so that nobody hurts or uses her anymore. I would add that the married to a porn addict or struggling with a marriage wants to make herself undesirable to her husband so that she doesn't have to deal with his advances while trying to detach or while trying to figure things out. OR she wants to 'feel stuck' as though no one else would want her because she feels like damaged goods or feels afraid of her own empowerment. Those are all feelings that I have felt.
Friday, June 28, 2013
the time we were almost on a talk show
It was December 2011.
I was driving with my kids out to Red Rock for a spur of the moment excursion. My phone rang and the screen showed it was my husband's therapist, our marriage counselor. We hadn't been there for months. My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach wondering what he could be calling about.
He needed my help with something. Phew! I seriously had it run through my mind that DH was in some sudden and unexpected trauma and called him instead of me but was serious enough to warrant the therapist calling me. He was scheduled to appear on a national talk show as an expert in the field to discuss sexual addiction and the couple he was still regularly treating that had agreed to do it had backed out at the last minute. Would we be willing to do that? Could he give my number to the producer for the show so that she could give me a call and give me more information?
Blank.
That was about where my mind went. Thankfully I had just arrived at the parking lot so I didn't have to keep trying to drive with this shock. My initial reaction was what I believe it would still be...."I will happily do anything to help educate and provide hope for others." Admittedly my very second reaction, that I kept to myself, was 'I cannot go on national television looking the way I do' and I was overwhelmed with shame about body and immediately had the old demons of 'people will say it is my fault, that if I were just more attractive or skinnier etc then my husband wouldn't have this problem.' False. This was why this national conversation needed to be had.
Obviously our counselor understood the need to talk it over. He encouraged me to have a discussion with DH and get back to him the next day. However, time was also of the essence as they were supposed to be taping this show really soon. It also meant that we would need to quickly decide whether we even could get away for a couple of days to NYC. After all, we do have 4 kids that would need to be watched and a job that would need to be okay with a last minute vacation of sorts.
I still get a little anxious thinking about this. I can feel my heart racing just as it did at the thought of being on Anderson Cooper. That's right....Anderson Cooper. Admittedly, I hadn't seen his talk show at all but I knew his reputation as a news reporter. If it had been probably any other talk show I would likely have not considered it (okay, Ellen is dang funny and Dr Phil I'd hope would have a good take on things). However, Anderson Cooper seemed to be more about integrity than flair and facts than show. So I agreed to talk it over with DH and had already determined in my mind that I would do it.
The 12th step in the ARP and PASG manual says "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do." This was my chance to do that.
Now, understand that DH had only been clean for barely a year at this point. There were (and are) still a lot of trust issues to be worked out. I was at a point where I believed he was no longer using and I believed him when he said so, but I still questioned and doubted. I realize that sounds contradictory but I imagine you can only understand once you have been there so I know no other way to describe it.
So I sat down with DH that night to tell him what had happened, what we had been asked to do, and he bristled. I panicked. Did that mean that he had more secrets? He is a more private person than I am and I understand that. This was certainly about him, not me, so I made it very clear that was his decision entirely and he needed to not feel pressured to make the choice one way or the other. I would support him either way. He grew up in a home where he was surrounded by relatives and everyone in each others' business. That's left him a little scarred you might say. He feels so strongly about not sharing 'his business' that it is, in my opinion, to the extreme opposite...because he has felt too many years of being shamed for choices or hearing others make judgments and gossip. He doesn't want to be the subject of that. What person, especially an addict, does?
We were concerned about the anonymity of it. Was this something where we would be black shadows and our voices disguised? The answer was no. I was concerned about the misinformation that is out there and the resulting effect on any future employers or parents of our kids' friends or something. My husband is not some 'freak' but I know that misunderstanding exists. If we were to go on this show and share our story then we would be showing our faces and our names, though first names only. His biggest concern was any of his extended family seeing the show, knowing that side of him, and then always watching for him to make a mistake. I wondered if that meant maybe he wasn't planning on this being a real change after all.
I cannot explain the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions that went through both of our minds over the next couple of days.
Well at least we'd get a free trip to NYC out of it and a little getaway from the kids. After all, I deserved at least that much for all the hell I had gone through. Yup...we both had that thought on our own.
What if we went on national tv to provide hope to others that recovery was possible and it cause some big trigger that then created a relapse and we looked like great big hypocrites? After all, I have my boundary that I will not tolerate it and others might see that the wrong way if I have to enforce it.
One time I spoke up in a church lesson about the ARP program to say how wonderful it was. It was a few months later I'd found out he had been actively using for the previous year or two. I felt like a big jerk for having said anything in that lesson.
While we were figuring all this out we couldn't keep it to ourselves because we also had to determine if there would even be someone to watch our kids. It consumed us for a couple of days. So we told a couple of family members and friends who had known of our situation (but not really ever been there through all the thick of it either). We had mixed reactions. One said that they didn't understand why we would even consider it. One said 'great for you, you're so brave.' One accused me of wanting to do it only to garner sympathy for myself as a victim and to rub salt in my husband's wounds. Another said they 'whatever- your life, your decision.'
It hurt to find those closest to us not willing to just support us in whatever we chose to do, no questions asked, and it felt like a little foreboding of what may come.
So DH said "let me go to the temple and pray about what to do because that is the only way I am going to be able to think clearly about this."
My heart leapt with joy that he came to that on his own. I knew that I had prayerfully considered what to do and gotten my answer but that he needed to receive his for himself but needed to make the decision on how to do so himself.
He woke at an insanely early hour to visit the temple before going to work. When he returned from work that day he heaved a big sigh but his face was alight and said "I'll do it." We were both overcome with the same feeling that if we could trust in the Lord to take care of us and let it all work out okay then it would. We were in agreement that there is so much misunderstanding, within the world and even within our church, about pornography and addiction and the harm it can do and the way it twists reality when you don't even think it will....that only bringing it out of the shadows and educating others could provide real hope for any change on a larger scale outside our own home. We were terrified and excited all at once. (I was still very much concerned with figuring out how much weight I could quickly lose in a week's time so I wouldn't be so embarrassed to be seen) I felt hurt and stung by the implication from another that I had somehow sought out this opportunity as a chance to wave some 'woe is me' flag and so I spent a lot of time on my knees to confirm where my heart truly was.
Thus began some three or more hour long telephone conversation with the associate producer for the Anderson Cooper talk show. I answered all her questions and told her as much detail as I could (and more than I ever really thought I would to a stranger) about our marriage, pornography, my views about both, how I found out about the problem, his recovery journey, our relationship now, my past etc. I found that it was impossible for me to share our story without sharing a lot of gospel principles to me and a lot of testimony. I told her all about the church's ARP program and the role it had played. I told her we were doing good but that, yes, there were definitely still some trust issues to be worked out. To someone who hasn't been there I guess a year of sobriety seems like so long you shouldn't even be talking about it anymore and that you are just punishing the sinner if you are. I feel like having been there I see how quickly that year went by, while dragging on all the same, and how it took that long to even process some of the emotions and issues that arose. A year is nothing. A year of sobriety is something to celebrate but nothing to close the deep wounds and establish new and lasting healthier behaviors and patterns of interaction. We felt like newlyweds minus the passion who were trying to figure out how to safely be intimate with one another again. That is hard on a marriage. Trust issues are hard. So we discussed all this while I hid in my room. And his hands shook as he took the phone from me to tell his side of the story to the person on the phone while I fed the kids dinner in the other room. I believe that was one of the hardest things he had done.
When I got back on the phone with the woman she told me that we were possibly 'too well off' for what they were wanting for the show. They were going to have experts on the show to help some people and she wasn't sure if we needed any more help (ha! I thought). She thanked me for our time and told me how much she felt she had learned and that her eyes had really been opened to some things that she hadn't even thought of before. She would get back to us shortly after having the meeting with the other producers to go over the plan for the show and we would go from there.
And that was the end of it. Just as quickly as it had come it had ended. We didn't go to NYC and we weren't on a national talk show. She sent an email a little later saying the show had been postponed because of a family emergency she had and that she'd get back to us. We never heard anything. Our counselor felt awful for having put us through the stress of making that decision. I told him there was no need. In the end, it was just what I'd needed. You see, that was the point when I realized this was real. That was the point where I saw my husband's humility, his sobriety, and his willingness to do anything to rid his life of this beast. That was the moment our trust began to be repaired in a way it hadn't yet been able to. Can I say that we are now back to pre-addiction bliss? No. That is a fantasy that never existed. I can say that he is a changed man, and I am a changed (and still desperately changing) individual and our marriage is so much stronger for it. Although we never had to follow through with that 'sacrifice' or with making that scary step of becoming so public, I do believe that we both needed that experience of determining our willingness to do so and that it changed both of us.
I was driving with my kids out to Red Rock for a spur of the moment excursion. My phone rang and the screen showed it was my husband's therapist, our marriage counselor. We hadn't been there for months. My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach wondering what he could be calling about.
He needed my help with something. Phew! I seriously had it run through my mind that DH was in some sudden and unexpected trauma and called him instead of me but was serious enough to warrant the therapist calling me. He was scheduled to appear on a national talk show as an expert in the field to discuss sexual addiction and the couple he was still regularly treating that had agreed to do it had backed out at the last minute. Would we be willing to do that? Could he give my number to the producer for the show so that she could give me a call and give me more information?
Blank.
That was about where my mind went. Thankfully I had just arrived at the parking lot so I didn't have to keep trying to drive with this shock. My initial reaction was what I believe it would still be...."I will happily do anything to help educate and provide hope for others." Admittedly my very second reaction, that I kept to myself, was 'I cannot go on national television looking the way I do' and I was overwhelmed with shame about body and immediately had the old demons of 'people will say it is my fault, that if I were just more attractive or skinnier etc then my husband wouldn't have this problem.' False. This was why this national conversation needed to be had.
Obviously our counselor understood the need to talk it over. He encouraged me to have a discussion with DH and get back to him the next day. However, time was also of the essence as they were supposed to be taping this show really soon. It also meant that we would need to quickly decide whether we even could get away for a couple of days to NYC. After all, we do have 4 kids that would need to be watched and a job that would need to be okay with a last minute vacation of sorts.
I still get a little anxious thinking about this. I can feel my heart racing just as it did at the thought of being on Anderson Cooper. That's right....Anderson Cooper. Admittedly, I hadn't seen his talk show at all but I knew his reputation as a news reporter. If it had been probably any other talk show I would likely have not considered it (okay, Ellen is dang funny and Dr Phil I'd hope would have a good take on things). However, Anderson Cooper seemed to be more about integrity than flair and facts than show. So I agreed to talk it over with DH and had already determined in my mind that I would do it.
The 12th step in the ARP and PASG manual says "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do." This was my chance to do that.
Now, understand that DH had only been clean for barely a year at this point. There were (and are) still a lot of trust issues to be worked out. I was at a point where I believed he was no longer using and I believed him when he said so, but I still questioned and doubted. I realize that sounds contradictory but I imagine you can only understand once you have been there so I know no other way to describe it.
So I sat down with DH that night to tell him what had happened, what we had been asked to do, and he bristled. I panicked. Did that mean that he had more secrets? He is a more private person than I am and I understand that. This was certainly about him, not me, so I made it very clear that was his decision entirely and he needed to not feel pressured to make the choice one way or the other. I would support him either way. He grew up in a home where he was surrounded by relatives and everyone in each others' business. That's left him a little scarred you might say. He feels so strongly about not sharing 'his business' that it is, in my opinion, to the extreme opposite...because he has felt too many years of being shamed for choices or hearing others make judgments and gossip. He doesn't want to be the subject of that. What person, especially an addict, does?
We were concerned about the anonymity of it. Was this something where we would be black shadows and our voices disguised? The answer was no. I was concerned about the misinformation that is out there and the resulting effect on any future employers or parents of our kids' friends or something. My husband is not some 'freak' but I know that misunderstanding exists. If we were to go on this show and share our story then we would be showing our faces and our names, though first names only. His biggest concern was any of his extended family seeing the show, knowing that side of him, and then always watching for him to make a mistake. I wondered if that meant maybe he wasn't planning on this being a real change after all.
I cannot explain the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions that went through both of our minds over the next couple of days.
Well at least we'd get a free trip to NYC out of it and a little getaway from the kids. After all, I deserved at least that much for all the hell I had gone through. Yup...we both had that thought on our own.
What if we went on national tv to provide hope to others that recovery was possible and it cause some big trigger that then created a relapse and we looked like great big hypocrites? After all, I have my boundary that I will not tolerate it and others might see that the wrong way if I have to enforce it.
One time I spoke up in a church lesson about the ARP program to say how wonderful it was. It was a few months later I'd found out he had been actively using for the previous year or two. I felt like a big jerk for having said anything in that lesson.
While we were figuring all this out we couldn't keep it to ourselves because we also had to determine if there would even be someone to watch our kids. It consumed us for a couple of days. So we told a couple of family members and friends who had known of our situation (but not really ever been there through all the thick of it either). We had mixed reactions. One said that they didn't understand why we would even consider it. One said 'great for you, you're so brave.' One accused me of wanting to do it only to garner sympathy for myself as a victim and to rub salt in my husband's wounds. Another said they 'whatever- your life, your decision.'
It hurt to find those closest to us not willing to just support us in whatever we chose to do, no questions asked, and it felt like a little foreboding of what may come.
So DH said "let me go to the temple and pray about what to do because that is the only way I am going to be able to think clearly about this."
My heart leapt with joy that he came to that on his own. I knew that I had prayerfully considered what to do and gotten my answer but that he needed to receive his for himself but needed to make the decision on how to do so himself.
He woke at an insanely early hour to visit the temple before going to work. When he returned from work that day he heaved a big sigh but his face was alight and said "I'll do it." We were both overcome with the same feeling that if we could trust in the Lord to take care of us and let it all work out okay then it would. We were in agreement that there is so much misunderstanding, within the world and even within our church, about pornography and addiction and the harm it can do and the way it twists reality when you don't even think it will....that only bringing it out of the shadows and educating others could provide real hope for any change on a larger scale outside our own home. We were terrified and excited all at once. (I was still very much concerned with figuring out how much weight I could quickly lose in a week's time so I wouldn't be so embarrassed to be seen) I felt hurt and stung by the implication from another that I had somehow sought out this opportunity as a chance to wave some 'woe is me' flag and so I spent a lot of time on my knees to confirm where my heart truly was.
Thus began some three or more hour long telephone conversation with the associate producer for the Anderson Cooper talk show. I answered all her questions and told her as much detail as I could (and more than I ever really thought I would to a stranger) about our marriage, pornography, my views about both, how I found out about the problem, his recovery journey, our relationship now, my past etc. I found that it was impossible for me to share our story without sharing a lot of gospel principles to me and a lot of testimony. I told her all about the church's ARP program and the role it had played. I told her we were doing good but that, yes, there were definitely still some trust issues to be worked out. To someone who hasn't been there I guess a year of sobriety seems like so long you shouldn't even be talking about it anymore and that you are just punishing the sinner if you are. I feel like having been there I see how quickly that year went by, while dragging on all the same, and how it took that long to even process some of the emotions and issues that arose. A year is nothing. A year of sobriety is something to celebrate but nothing to close the deep wounds and establish new and lasting healthier behaviors and patterns of interaction. We felt like newlyweds minus the passion who were trying to figure out how to safely be intimate with one another again. That is hard on a marriage. Trust issues are hard. So we discussed all this while I hid in my room. And his hands shook as he took the phone from me to tell his side of the story to the person on the phone while I fed the kids dinner in the other room. I believe that was one of the hardest things he had done.
When I got back on the phone with the woman she told me that we were possibly 'too well off' for what they were wanting for the show. They were going to have experts on the show to help some people and she wasn't sure if we needed any more help (ha! I thought). She thanked me for our time and told me how much she felt she had learned and that her eyes had really been opened to some things that she hadn't even thought of before. She would get back to us shortly after having the meeting with the other producers to go over the plan for the show and we would go from there.
And that was the end of it. Just as quickly as it had come it had ended. We didn't go to NYC and we weren't on a national talk show. She sent an email a little later saying the show had been postponed because of a family emergency she had and that she'd get back to us. We never heard anything. Our counselor felt awful for having put us through the stress of making that decision. I told him there was no need. In the end, it was just what I'd needed. You see, that was the point when I realized this was real. That was the point where I saw my husband's humility, his sobriety, and his willingness to do anything to rid his life of this beast. That was the moment our trust began to be repaired in a way it hadn't yet been able to. Can I say that we are now back to pre-addiction bliss? No. That is a fantasy that never existed. I can say that he is a changed man, and I am a changed (and still desperately changing) individual and our marriage is so much stronger for it. Although we never had to follow through with that 'sacrifice' or with making that scary step of becoming so public, I do believe that we both needed that experience of determining our willingness to do so and that it changed both of us.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
wow.
I went to the temple tonight. I want to record this because I don't want to forget the feeling I had. I had a lot of different things on my mind as I went. While sitting in the session I was trying to clear my mind so that I could feel out one thing at a time and try to get the inspiration I needed.
No sooner had my mind cleared that I started remembering the personal struggle I was having with myself and body image. I was trying to think through all my self-conflicts and thought patterns about it to feel out how I was to go about changing myself and losing weight. I found I couldn't even recall the negative thoughts I was battling. I could think of the struggle and the way I've been feeling, but I couldn't recall specific thoughts. Instead my mind and heart were filled with one repeating thought "You're beautiful." I FELT it. All through me. I felt it spoken to me but I also felt it in a way that I believed it of myself as well. I don't want to lose that. I want to focus on telling myself that several times a day, of loving and nourishing myself foremost, and using the gospel to change myself from the inside out. It is Satan and the world who makes me feel I need to do otherwise and that this weight needs to be gone yesterday. Those feelings are the source of the negative thoughts and the feelings of self doubt and hopelessness. I already know that I am healthy. My bloodwork is fantastic. That should take the pressure off and allow me to love me and do this the Lord's way....inside out. He already thinks I'm beautiful and isn't His the only opinion to matter? It's not like he doesn't know my every weakness and failure and 'bad part' but He still says I'm beautiful- and does so in such a way that I really feel it and feel the truth of it.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
spiritual thoughts.
I have been reflecting today on some of the spiritual experiences or things I've thought about over the past month. Hope you don't mind my sharing:
* While we were in Prague, we had the opportunity to attend church at a branch there on Fast Sunday. We listened to church through headphones with missionaries interpreting the words into English. They prayed for a stake, when they don't even have a ward yet. One man shared an experience of praying for missionary experiences as they had been instructed to and sharing the gospel with a coworker. Another, more elderly, lady shared how times were tough and she didn't have much money that week. She had to decide whether to buy groceries or use the money to pay for the public transportation it would take her to get to church that Sunday. She bought a loaf of bread and it sustained her through that Sunday. She was grateful to be able to come to church and was so blessed to have the gospel and be able to meet with other church members. I thought about how these are modern-day pioneers. I thought about how so many take church attendance as a slight inconvenience but something we should do. We don't recognize what a great blessing it is to be able to meet together and to be able to attend church. We should be looking forward to it and making every effort to partake of it just as this lady had. I thought about the faith of these members who believed they would have a stake if they just continued to pray for missionary experiences and act on them. And they will. I thought of the sacrifices they make to be able to attend church, to congregate together and lift each other up and learn more of the gospel. They give up food. They travel hours or more. And they do it gladly. I thought of the light of Christ and how it literally shines through them.
* The day after returning from getting the kids in Arizona, we had a family on our street who were being sealed together. We had been torn about attending because we really wanted to, as they were friends of ours and we wanted to support them. However, we had just been reunited as a family and didn't want to leave the kids again with a sitter. We also knew we were likely to be really jet-lagged after all that traveling. After much debate we both felt that we really needed to go. It was decided that DH would go to the session where the parents were receiving their endowment and I would meet him at the temple to attend the sealing while he waited outside with the kids. It was a sacrifice to go but one worth making. I barely made it for the sealing but it was beautiful. While it was wonderful to be a part of it, the most wonderful thing was what happened later. A friend and I got to chatting afterward in the locker room. Do you ever have one of those conversations where one thing leads to another and next thing you know you're spilling things that are weighing you down that you don't even realize are weighing you down? It was one of those times. I know that she was inspired to attend the session and the sealing. I know that she made sacrifices as well to be there. I also know that she was inspired to talk to me and, I tell you what, she said exactly the words to me that I needed to hear. I had said a prayer the very night before out of frustration. A prayer that I truly could not figure out an answer to, nor could I see getting one. And she said, word for word, an answer to that prayer. She was my angel that day and I probably bawled the whole night thinking about it.
* The very next day we had a wonderful lesson in Relief Society. We talked about the scripture in Malachi about the hearts of the fathers turning to their children and the hearts of the children turning to their fathers. I knew the scripture was about genealogy but always felt like I was missing a little something from it. Then someone shared their understanding of the scripture as also being those in our family who have passed before us being turned to us. That they are our ministering angels and that the priorities we have in this life will still be the priorities we have after this life. Meaning that our families will still be our priority and we will still be there with them. Do you know that I have spent 10 years wondering about this? I have always felt like my mom was busy doing missionary work and that sort of thing on that side of the veil. That she would be anxiously engaged in a good work and that it would mean not really being around me because, I guess, I would be an inconvenience. I have heard many a person say that they felt otherwise...that those people are there with us, looking after us, that we can talk to them etc. But I felt like there was never anything really to back that up and that we tell ourselves those things to make us feel better about it all. Don't get me wrong, I've always known there is life after this and believed that we will live again and live as eternal families. But this was different. Well, when that thought was shared I just knew she was referring to my mom. That she felt she needed to share that for me and that she was absolutely right. It wasn't even something that had been on my mind recently but boy did it hit me like a ton of bricks. I talked to her later, not telling her my thoughts but just thanking her. She said "I was thinking of your mom and I know she wanted you to know." I can't tell you the weight that literally lifted off my shoulders. I felt this light through me. There is no other way to describe it. It was an 'ah-ha' moment and I knew that this was truth. 10 years I have gone feeling alone and left behind by my mom. It's fine, it's all been for the best. I know God has a plan and that things happen for a reason. I say these things often and I do believe them. There have been the very occasional time here and there where I have felt my mom's presence, but never as anything constant. It's always been sad to think of her not being a part of my life. Especially since she was 'my person' and we were such good friends. But to think...10 years I have felt alone and I didn't need to! If only someone would have explained that scripture that way so long ago. What heartache would it have spared? How grateful I am for that person who was in tune with the spirit, who listened to the spirit, and who acted on that prompting to share that thought. And then I thought... Isn't the gospel the same way? Gospel means 'good news' and what good news it is indeed. I wonder if those who have converted to the church feel the same... 'why didn't this get explained to me so long ago?' and what can we do about it?
* A few days after this experience I had a friend who was being sealed in San Diego. I had struggled for some time with the decision of whether or not to go. It would have to be a day trip because it was in the middle of the week, making babysitting a problem, and because we couldn't afford a hotel. I was horribly behind because we were barely home from a 2 week trip and I was just plain tired of traveling. Plus, I had a stepsister's drill performance in Utah that I really wanted to attend and was feeling guilty about not being able to...and I felt like I couldn't really justify going to one and not the other. The morning of the sealing I still felt torn. I had decided not to go but hadn't actually prayed about it and felt like I should pray about it if I was not going to feel bad about my decision not to go. Well, as I said my prayers that morning I got the overwhelming feeling that I should go. Time was of the essence and I called DH to let him know. He was thankfully able to head home from work (I thought he'd just take the kids till finding a sitter but he just stayed home all day with them). I took W to school and then hit the road. I made it to the sealing with 10 minutes to spare. It was a beautiful sealing and the sealer gave some great words of wisdom that I felt like I needed to hear. I wondered if that was why I felt so strongly about going but then felt like it wasn't quite it. I visited with my friend and her family before planning to turn around and go home. I wanted to see the beach before going home though. I have rarely been to the beach. In fact, I've spent more time on a beach in North Carolina over the course of 2 summers than I have days added up on a beach in Cali in all my years living in Vegas. So I looked on my GPS for a place to go. Turns out you can't look up beach, or ocean for directions. So I looked for what looked like a good landmark and typed it in. I had seen a place called Bird Rock on the map so I searched for that and headed there. Bird Rock Park turned out to be a park behind an elementary school, but it did put me in a general vicinity. I found a neighborhood just to park in to check out the view. There was a couple making out that I didn't care to interrupt their 'moment' and I could see that if I drove further down where I knew there was an actual beach with parking then I would miss the sunset. So I just drove up a couple more neighborhoods where I found another outlet to the water and a place to park. It was empty. There wasn't sand, just rocks. But it was a cool view and I have cool pictures to post later. There is a point to this though.... I had climbed down to the rocks and upon coming back up on to the street I met a man who was also watching the sunset. I said hello and we talked about the beautiful view (he lived up the street and had come to watch the sunset). It is so hard to leave a sunset. It is so hard to leave the beach. Put the two together and it is nearly torture trying to pull yourself away. I don't recall how but we somehow got to talking about church subjects. He had asked why I was there. I said it was for a friend's special day. When he asked if it was a wedding I told him that in our church we had something called a sealing and that was what I was there for. He asked if I was Mormon and it sort of went from there. I am not one to just go around sharing the gospel. I'd say it's not my style. But we had a wonderful 3 hour discussion on nearly every subject imaginable. This was a man who 'got it' and didn't even know it. He loved the scriptures. He commented on how there is so much bad in the world and things are so terrible...and yet, how can you not believe in a God when you look at the beauty in the world, like the sunset, and how can you not believe that He is good when He would create such a thing for you? He is a single guy and asked me about my kids. He reminded me just how lucky I am to have them and how I should cherish each and every moment with them. I could tell you about all the wonderful things we discussed and what a nice and great guy he was...but that would probably be a 3-page post. But I will tell you that the Spirit was with him and he already knew things that he didn't realize he knew. He kept thanking me for saying hello and for stopping to talk to him. I got the feeling that he had been feeling very lonely. And I told him, as I feel very strongly, about how I had gotten up that morning and had not planned to go to San Diego...but that I prayed about it and felt like I should and that I felt like he was the reason why..... Oh, and in talking to him I learned that the very place where I was was called Bird Rock.
* I asked one of my brothers recently about church in China. He is there teaching English for a few months. This is what he said: "We can only meet with other people who have passports from foreign countries. So we meet at someone's apartment and go through the same motions of opening hymn, announcements, etc. but we listen to 2 talks from general authorities instead. About a third of the time you call in on a phone or skype and it's a mass teleconference where they un-mute whoever is going to give the prayer or talk or whatever. The church site isn't blocked so I can see conference there. I'm just not allowed to refer anyone to it." The things we don't think about. It got me thinking again about what a blessing it is to have the gospel and to have a testimony. I thought of the testimony that these people must have, even if they are not aware of it, to go to these lengths to have a church meeting. I thought of how blessed we are to live somewhere where we are allowed to congregate, allowed to share these thoughts that I have, allowed to openly lift each other up in the gospel. I thought about the way that those members must live their lives to literally be a shining example of Christ because they can only answer questions if they are asked. They cannot bring up a church subject.
* I have always wondered about teaching my children gospel principles. I don't want them ever to feel like they have simply believed things because it is what I believed. I don't recall specific gospel teaching moments in my home growing up. Much of the life I remember my dad was not an active member of the church and it was a point of contention between my parents. So it was a difficult path for me to navigate as I became a teenager and wanted to think for myself and had questions about my dad's actions versus beliefs and my mom's. I see and hear the ways that friends teach their children and wonder if I am doing enough and how I can do it correctly. I have had experiences with my kids, particularly W and P, that have taught me that those moments come up and that the Lord will bless you to recognize them and to know what to say. As parents, we are responsible for teaching our children truth and for helping them become responsible adults and capable of finding their way back to Heavenly Father. I still feel like it is very much each individual's right and choice to find their way on their own. Isn't that what Christ died for, that we would have that agency? But we are entrusted with their care when they are sent to us and we must lay the groundwork and do all in our power to help them so that when it comes time to choose they will make the right choice. I see so much of me in P and so much of DH in W. The two of them recently got in an argument about heaven. P told W that she didn't believe in heaven but that she did believe in Jesus and Heavenly Father. W was arguing that you couldn't believe in one without believing the other because they are one in the same. We were able to sit down and talk about how we believe that is where they live but that they aren't the same thing. We were also able to talk about how just because one person believes something does not mean that the other has to. Then we were able to talk about how the Spirit can talk to us and tell us these things, if they are true or not. We talked about how there are different ways to feel the spirit and what they are. And then we talked about praying for answers and needing to ask the questions. P immediately dropped to her knees and said a silent prayer. I hardly knew what she was doing. She jumped up and was so happy, she was nearly ecstatic. She said she asked Heavenly Father and Jesus about heaven and that she knew it was real because she could 'hear it in her heart'. Now, I don't know what she really felt and what was really going on in her head...but I'm grateful for the teaching opportunity and I have no doubt whatsoever that Heavenly Father would hear the prayer of that little girl and answer it for her. I'll bet He just plain gave her a hug. You would believe it too if you had seen the change in the look on her face and the look of pure joy when she was done praying.
* While we were in Prague, we had the opportunity to attend church at a branch there on Fast Sunday. We listened to church through headphones with missionaries interpreting the words into English. They prayed for a stake, when they don't even have a ward yet. One man shared an experience of praying for missionary experiences as they had been instructed to and sharing the gospel with a coworker. Another, more elderly, lady shared how times were tough and she didn't have much money that week. She had to decide whether to buy groceries or use the money to pay for the public transportation it would take her to get to church that Sunday. She bought a loaf of bread and it sustained her through that Sunday. She was grateful to be able to come to church and was so blessed to have the gospel and be able to meet with other church members. I thought about how these are modern-day pioneers. I thought about how so many take church attendance as a slight inconvenience but something we should do. We don't recognize what a great blessing it is to be able to meet together and to be able to attend church. We should be looking forward to it and making every effort to partake of it just as this lady had. I thought about the faith of these members who believed they would have a stake if they just continued to pray for missionary experiences and act on them. And they will. I thought of the sacrifices they make to be able to attend church, to congregate together and lift each other up and learn more of the gospel. They give up food. They travel hours or more. And they do it gladly. I thought of the light of Christ and how it literally shines through them.
* The day after returning from getting the kids in Arizona, we had a family on our street who were being sealed together. We had been torn about attending because we really wanted to, as they were friends of ours and we wanted to support them. However, we had just been reunited as a family and didn't want to leave the kids again with a sitter. We also knew we were likely to be really jet-lagged after all that traveling. After much debate we both felt that we really needed to go. It was decided that DH would go to the session where the parents were receiving their endowment and I would meet him at the temple to attend the sealing while he waited outside with the kids. It was a sacrifice to go but one worth making. I barely made it for the sealing but it was beautiful. While it was wonderful to be a part of it, the most wonderful thing was what happened later. A friend and I got to chatting afterward in the locker room. Do you ever have one of those conversations where one thing leads to another and next thing you know you're spilling things that are weighing you down that you don't even realize are weighing you down? It was one of those times. I know that she was inspired to attend the session and the sealing. I know that she made sacrifices as well to be there. I also know that she was inspired to talk to me and, I tell you what, she said exactly the words to me that I needed to hear. I had said a prayer the very night before out of frustration. A prayer that I truly could not figure out an answer to, nor could I see getting one. And she said, word for word, an answer to that prayer. She was my angel that day and I probably bawled the whole night thinking about it.
* The very next day we had a wonderful lesson in Relief Society. We talked about the scripture in Malachi about the hearts of the fathers turning to their children and the hearts of the children turning to their fathers. I knew the scripture was about genealogy but always felt like I was missing a little something from it. Then someone shared their understanding of the scripture as also being those in our family who have passed before us being turned to us. That they are our ministering angels and that the priorities we have in this life will still be the priorities we have after this life. Meaning that our families will still be our priority and we will still be there with them. Do you know that I have spent 10 years wondering about this? I have always felt like my mom was busy doing missionary work and that sort of thing on that side of the veil. That she would be anxiously engaged in a good work and that it would mean not really being around me because, I guess, I would be an inconvenience. I have heard many a person say that they felt otherwise...that those people are there with us, looking after us, that we can talk to them etc. But I felt like there was never anything really to back that up and that we tell ourselves those things to make us feel better about it all. Don't get me wrong, I've always known there is life after this and believed that we will live again and live as eternal families. But this was different. Well, when that thought was shared I just knew she was referring to my mom. That she felt she needed to share that for me and that she was absolutely right. It wasn't even something that had been on my mind recently but boy did it hit me like a ton of bricks. I talked to her later, not telling her my thoughts but just thanking her. She said "I was thinking of your mom and I know she wanted you to know." I can't tell you the weight that literally lifted off my shoulders. I felt this light through me. There is no other way to describe it. It was an 'ah-ha' moment and I knew that this was truth. 10 years I have gone feeling alone and left behind by my mom. It's fine, it's all been for the best. I know God has a plan and that things happen for a reason. I say these things often and I do believe them. There have been the very occasional time here and there where I have felt my mom's presence, but never as anything constant. It's always been sad to think of her not being a part of my life. Especially since she was 'my person' and we were such good friends. But to think...10 years I have felt alone and I didn't need to! If only someone would have explained that scripture that way so long ago. What heartache would it have spared? How grateful I am for that person who was in tune with the spirit, who listened to the spirit, and who acted on that prompting to share that thought. And then I thought... Isn't the gospel the same way? Gospel means 'good news' and what good news it is indeed. I wonder if those who have converted to the church feel the same... 'why didn't this get explained to me so long ago?' and what can we do about it?
* A few days after this experience I had a friend who was being sealed in San Diego. I had struggled for some time with the decision of whether or not to go. It would have to be a day trip because it was in the middle of the week, making babysitting a problem, and because we couldn't afford a hotel. I was horribly behind because we were barely home from a 2 week trip and I was just plain tired of traveling. Plus, I had a stepsister's drill performance in Utah that I really wanted to attend and was feeling guilty about not being able to...and I felt like I couldn't really justify going to one and not the other. The morning of the sealing I still felt torn. I had decided not to go but hadn't actually prayed about it and felt like I should pray about it if I was not going to feel bad about my decision not to go. Well, as I said my prayers that morning I got the overwhelming feeling that I should go. Time was of the essence and I called DH to let him know. He was thankfully able to head home from work (I thought he'd just take the kids till finding a sitter but he just stayed home all day with them). I took W to school and then hit the road. I made it to the sealing with 10 minutes to spare. It was a beautiful sealing and the sealer gave some great words of wisdom that I felt like I needed to hear. I wondered if that was why I felt so strongly about going but then felt like it wasn't quite it. I visited with my friend and her family before planning to turn around and go home. I wanted to see the beach before going home though. I have rarely been to the beach. In fact, I've spent more time on a beach in North Carolina over the course of 2 summers than I have days added up on a beach in Cali in all my years living in Vegas. So I looked on my GPS for a place to go. Turns out you can't look up beach, or ocean for directions. So I looked for what looked like a good landmark and typed it in. I had seen a place called Bird Rock on the map so I searched for that and headed there. Bird Rock Park turned out to be a park behind an elementary school, but it did put me in a general vicinity. I found a neighborhood just to park in to check out the view. There was a couple making out that I didn't care to interrupt their 'moment' and I could see that if I drove further down where I knew there was an actual beach with parking then I would miss the sunset. So I just drove up a couple more neighborhoods where I found another outlet to the water and a place to park. It was empty. There wasn't sand, just rocks. But it was a cool view and I have cool pictures to post later. There is a point to this though.... I had climbed down to the rocks and upon coming back up on to the street I met a man who was also watching the sunset. I said hello and we talked about the beautiful view (he lived up the street and had come to watch the sunset). It is so hard to leave a sunset. It is so hard to leave the beach. Put the two together and it is nearly torture trying to pull yourself away. I don't recall how but we somehow got to talking about church subjects. He had asked why I was there. I said it was for a friend's special day. When he asked if it was a wedding I told him that in our church we had something called a sealing and that was what I was there for. He asked if I was Mormon and it sort of went from there. I am not one to just go around sharing the gospel. I'd say it's not my style. But we had a wonderful 3 hour discussion on nearly every subject imaginable. This was a man who 'got it' and didn't even know it. He loved the scriptures. He commented on how there is so much bad in the world and things are so terrible...and yet, how can you not believe in a God when you look at the beauty in the world, like the sunset, and how can you not believe that He is good when He would create such a thing for you? He is a single guy and asked me about my kids. He reminded me just how lucky I am to have them and how I should cherish each and every moment with them. I could tell you about all the wonderful things we discussed and what a nice and great guy he was...but that would probably be a 3-page post. But I will tell you that the Spirit was with him and he already knew things that he didn't realize he knew. He kept thanking me for saying hello and for stopping to talk to him. I got the feeling that he had been feeling very lonely. And I told him, as I feel very strongly, about how I had gotten up that morning and had not planned to go to San Diego...but that I prayed about it and felt like I should and that I felt like he was the reason why..... Oh, and in talking to him I learned that the very place where I was was called Bird Rock.
* I asked one of my brothers recently about church in China. He is there teaching English for a few months. This is what he said: "We can only meet with other people who have passports from foreign countries. So we meet at someone's apartment and go through the same motions of opening hymn, announcements, etc. but we listen to 2 talks from general authorities instead. About a third of the time you call in on a phone or skype and it's a mass teleconference where they un-mute whoever is going to give the prayer or talk or whatever. The church site isn't blocked so I can see conference there. I'm just not allowed to refer anyone to it." The things we don't think about. It got me thinking again about what a blessing it is to have the gospel and to have a testimony. I thought of the testimony that these people must have, even if they are not aware of it, to go to these lengths to have a church meeting. I thought of how blessed we are to live somewhere where we are allowed to congregate, allowed to share these thoughts that I have, allowed to openly lift each other up in the gospel. I thought about the way that those members must live their lives to literally be a shining example of Christ because they can only answer questions if they are asked. They cannot bring up a church subject.
* I have always wondered about teaching my children gospel principles. I don't want them ever to feel like they have simply believed things because it is what I believed. I don't recall specific gospel teaching moments in my home growing up. Much of the life I remember my dad was not an active member of the church and it was a point of contention between my parents. So it was a difficult path for me to navigate as I became a teenager and wanted to think for myself and had questions about my dad's actions versus beliefs and my mom's. I see and hear the ways that friends teach their children and wonder if I am doing enough and how I can do it correctly. I have had experiences with my kids, particularly W and P, that have taught me that those moments come up and that the Lord will bless you to recognize them and to know what to say. As parents, we are responsible for teaching our children truth and for helping them become responsible adults and capable of finding their way back to Heavenly Father. I still feel like it is very much each individual's right and choice to find their way on their own. Isn't that what Christ died for, that we would have that agency? But we are entrusted with their care when they are sent to us and we must lay the groundwork and do all in our power to help them so that when it comes time to choose they will make the right choice. I see so much of me in P and so much of DH in W. The two of them recently got in an argument about heaven. P told W that she didn't believe in heaven but that she did believe in Jesus and Heavenly Father. W was arguing that you couldn't believe in one without believing the other because they are one in the same. We were able to sit down and talk about how we believe that is where they live but that they aren't the same thing. We were also able to talk about how just because one person believes something does not mean that the other has to. Then we were able to talk about how the Spirit can talk to us and tell us these things, if they are true or not. We talked about how there are different ways to feel the spirit and what they are. And then we talked about praying for answers and needing to ask the questions. P immediately dropped to her knees and said a silent prayer. I hardly knew what she was doing. She jumped up and was so happy, she was nearly ecstatic. She said she asked Heavenly Father and Jesus about heaven and that she knew it was real because she could 'hear it in her heart'. Now, I don't know what she really felt and what was really going on in her head...but I'm grateful for the teaching opportunity and I have no doubt whatsoever that Heavenly Father would hear the prayer of that little girl and answer it for her. I'll bet He just plain gave her a hug. You would believe it too if you had seen the change in the look on her face and the look of pure joy when she was done praying.
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