In defense of my former self

Dear Self;

You lived a life that many didn't see.  One that even you didn't fully come to terms with and allow yourself to see until you were almost 30.  It's time to let it all out and see that it is okay.  Everyone has baggage.  Everyone has skeletons in the closet.  Some have more than others.  That's okay.  It doesn't mean you were bad or deserved any less.  It doesn't meant that you had to learn lessons the hard way or that you were a tool being used by God to learn a lesson you could share with others.  You suffered the consequences of other's agency for many years and didn't realize that's all it was.  You took it out on God, not fully trusting Him, because you thought He was using you.  You were happy to submit to Him.  At least He loved you.  You wanted to do good and be good and so you willingly became His martyr, His victim, His tool to help others because you knew that you would share and be empathetic...because that's who you are.  This was the only reality you knew.  This was how you understood things and thus how you lived your life for decades.  You know what? It's okay.

You were molested.  More than once.  By different people.  They told you that 'you asked for it' and 'deserved it.'

You were forced to watch explicit pornography as a kindergartner by your friend's dad.  The same friend who you used to have sleepovers with and where you developed a nervousness for sleeping with the door closed and waiting for someone to come in.  The same one you would hide in the berry bush with.


You grieved the sudden loss of your grandma that you adored when you were in 6th grade.
You didn't understand how to process the pain.  You didn't want to be sad because you didn't want to make your mom sad and have her hurt more.
Two years later you grieved the sudden loss of a boy you had a crush on that lived near you and rode the bus with you.  You were confused why you hurt so much again.  You were tired of feeling like an inconvenience to those who were supposed to love you unconditionally and tired of feeling like something to be used by everyone else.  You took more pills than you were supposed to of a drug that you reacted badly to in a half-hearted attempt to end your life so you could be with your grandma in a happy place again.  Your friend, bless her heart, told on you and dragged you to the school psychologist...who told on you to your mom....who thankfully wasn't mad or even overly sad.
Two years later you grieved the loss of another schoolmate in an accident you saw from your house.

Two years later, you buried your mom a month after graduating high school.
You wondered what lesson it was that you were missing that you kept losing all these people in your life.

You were nearly raped.  You still aren't sure how you got out of that, only that you remember the boy's friend watching and laughing and the boy saying "this is what you came here for anyway isn't it?" and you thought it was punishment for lying to your parents about where you were going.  You thought maybe this was just how boys showed they like you and maybe you should just learn to like it.  Except that other boy standing there laughing was a big red flag and you somehow came to your senses and got out.

You spent many years having dreams that haunted you and made you feel dirty and guilty.  They were out of your control but they controlled how you felt. It wasn't until your late teens that you recognized it was a replaying of those scenes you saw as a kindergartner.  It wasn't until your late 20s that you understood it wasn't your fault.

After your mom died, you had night terrors where you dreamed you or some other family member killed her.  Your brother accused you of causing her brain aneurysm because the day before you had pulled her over in a low-lying lawnchair as part of a family joke and she hit her head.  You wondered if he was right.  You wondered if other people thought the same.  Even after 2 neurologists told you it was a ticking time bomb and your actions wouldn't have set it off any sooner.  You wondered if she 'left' because you told her in the hospital that day (not that you even know if she could hear you) that you understood she missed her mom and you would take care of things on this end so she could go and that you'd understand and it would be okay. Would she have stayed if you had been more willing to fight?

Your dad didn't talk to you for years because he was upset that you said he didn't love you in an upset middle-schooler fight.  He thought you owed him an apology for your disrespect.  You thought he was just confirming your accusations and should try to make you feel loved.  You were a middle-schooler after all.

The boys in 5th grade made fun of you during the pledge of allegiance, saying you were grabbing yourself because you were already developing.

The boys in 8th grade cat-called you if you ever wore a skirt or low-cut shirt.  It made you feel important.

The boys in high school apparently said you were an amazing kisser and talked about you.  So you found out later from a friend who had kissed you, and then told you that was why.

You caught your 2 best friends in high school trying on your (size 9) pants and dancing around laughing at your 'clown pants'.

You overheard your parents fighting about you being in summer school PE, which you thought was just so you would be able to take art class during the school year instead, and there being ice cream in the house.  You heard your dad liken you to a whale and say that the ice cream shouldn't be around.
In your anger and hurt, you called a friend and decided to try pot to see what all the fuss was about and to really piss him off like he had hurt you.  It was a one-day, one-experience kind of thing but the effect was that he again no longer spoke to you except during choir practice- because he was the choir director and you were the pianist....even though that was the only time he went to church, or at least anything more than the occasional Sacrament meeting.

In high school, you got a concussion so bad that you couldn't remember how to do simple math and couldn't read a page in a book without falling asleep.

You saw your best friend get attacked by a dog right next to you when you were 4 years old.  You felt bad that it was her and not you because you didn't want her to hurt like that.


People told you that you shouldn't be sad.  People told you that you were being a victim and should stop.  People told you that it was all your fault.  You didn't even know you were sad. You didn't even recognize the pattern of victimization.  You thought it was your fault.

It wasn't true.

Self, you were victimized.  You were used by others and not by God.  You had hard things in your life.  More than many can understand in such a short time.  It doesn't mean you were deserving of those things.  It doesn't make you special.  It means you were strong.  You survived.  You, and God, have turned these things for your good.

These things do not define you, and yet they are you.  Being a new and better person doesn't mean that you were a bad person before.  It doesn't invalidate or lessen the worth of your self at any given stage in your life.  You are simply at a different point in your life now.  You are here because of what you've been through but you might have been here even without them.  You might not be here without them.  You could be in a different place, a much worse place, because of all this.  You needn't feel bad.  You are strong.  You are a survivor.  You have hurt and you have tried to take care of yourself and you have tried to protect yourself...all the best you could and the best you knew how with what you had at the time.  You really did try your best with what you had and what you understood and where you were in your life.

I know, because I am you.
And it's okay.

Don't worry about what other's judgments have been or what they may be.  Don't worry about those who've been unkind.  Don't wish these things on them either.  Don't think you willingly took these things upon yourself so that you would learn or so that you would get others to feel sorry for you in an attempt to feel loved.  No, that's not the way.  You've let it go and given it over.  You are a new person but loving yourself now doesn't mean not loving yourself then.  There is someone who gets that, and in the end He is all that matters.

Love,
Me.

struggling with forgiveness

I know that maintaining a clean heart is essential to my well-being on all levels.  I know that I need to forgive to be forgiven.  I have forgiven some pretty big things in my life.  So when seemingly smaller things come up that I struggle to forgive, I wonder why.

I am stuck.

I wonder if I don't really want to let it go.

You know that quote about anger (or lack of forgiveness) being like a hot coal that only burns the person holding it?

Having gone through the 12 steps in one form or another enough time, I know that there is that step about forgiveness looming before me.  I know that I need to do it.  But it is so hard.

My heart aches to heal damaged relationships....relationships that I believe cannot be healed because I do not believe the other parties desire what I do.  I wonder if my heartache is a desire for the healed relationship or really just a desire for validation.  That would be a codependent speaking.

Both I know have been weighing heavily on my mind because of circumstances arising that means I might see these individuals in the temple soon.  I want to be able to see them there and have no ill feelings toward them.  I know that if I were to go tomorrow and do so then that would not be the case.

Help me out here.

The first individual is the friend who said many unkind things about me last year and had a ripple effect on many of my relationships and friendships.  It has been for the best as I have realized how I had allowed myself to be held back by fear of judgement from others.  However, it has still hurt.  I feel like I should have been able to let it go by now.  Especially having found some good from it.  I think I hurt because I will not get an apology.  I haven't sought one, but I don't know that I should.  Feelings and opinions were expressed and though I do not agree with them, that does not invalidate the fact that they felt them.  Still, it was my character that was assassinated.  Why do I feel ill will toward this person?  Or is it hurt?  Or sadness?  I do not know.  All I know is that I am still not in a place that I feel like I could see them in passing in a store and be as all was before- letting bygones be bygones.  I feel like that makes me a terrible person.  Perhaps it is simply that I sought this person's approval to give myself validity for so long....so long that I'm only now seeing it... that it is hard sometimes to really feel and remember that I don't need it.  Another person's view of my worth does not define my worth.  Especially when I have confirmation from the Lord.

The second situation involves my family.  I struggled with whether to write it here or not because I don't know if any of them read this or whom.  I need the help though and this has been weighing on my mind.  My brother will be leaving on his mission soon, which means the endowed family members attending the temple together.  My father remarried about the same time that I got married.  My relationship with my stepmom has been.... I don't know how to describe it.  It seems fine and then suddenly it is not.  And I never seem to know quite what to make of it.  I know we have both been on learning paths and experiencing things and growing in different ways over the years.  The whole blended family is not something either of us have experience with and me getting married and starting my family meant that I was not on the same path as she.  Anyway, I thought things were finally in a good place and that we had established a friendship and understanding.  We have different views on many things but I felt maybe that was finally allowed to be the case.  Then last summer I arrived for a visit with my children, as I had done the previous summers, and a rather large misunderstanding ensued.  I was put in a very awkward situation and felt backed into a corner.  This is how confrontations have frequently been with my dad and stepmom together... a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere situation where I feel like some helpless child in a corner.  I was confused.  Direct lies were being told about things I had supposedly said or not said and no one was hearing me.  I could not believe that such blatant lies were being said by her.  I truly believe she believed what she was saying.  I am still confused by this.  Being that my children and I were not welcome and that my experience over the year previous had taught me about boundaries, I stuck to my boundaries and left the following morning.  I cannot tell you the heartache of packing my children up to leave their grandparent's house after having driven 6 hours to see them for any amount possible.  Trying to determine how to explain it in a way that was truthful but that would not make them feel like it was their fault or color their view of their grandparents.  As no one was home when we left, I left a note explaining myself (rather kindly I felt) and we left to make the best of things- staying with friends off and on through the week until I just couldn't take living out of the car any longer and went back home.  The only response I received from that encounter was a negative one saying that I was in the wrong and owed them an apology.  I still have not figured out what it was that I was supposed to apologize for.  I don't know if any of this makes any sense really.  I don't want to go into details because I don't want to rehash it all when it should be in the past.  And that's just it.... Nothing has been spoken of it since but she has hardly spoken a word to me since.  I feel I should have an apology if nothing else for the lies said about me directly to me.  For saying that I sent or did not send messages that I have proof otherwise of.  I made a boundary that I, or my children, would not linger in a place where we were not accepted or wanted.  Feeling like a burden has long been a trigger of mine.  I don't know why but I recall being concerned with that even as a child.  So I know that it is in my best interest and safety to not allow myself to stay in a situation where I have to wonder or worry about that.  I am sad that my children are paying for this.  I am sad that their grandparents don't seem to care enough to repair this.  I am sad that when my daughter was baptized a few months after this happened and we held off on it to a three day weekend just so these grandparents could come down and make a real weekend of it and spend time with them, that they came for the baptism and pretty much turned right around and left.  I am sad that my kids have asked me all summer long when we are going to go up there to visit like we have every other summer, and I have no answer for them because we will not go until we are welcome....and I certainly do not feel welcome in a home where the person who lives there barely says hello to me...and I won't take my children somewhere that I, as their mother, am not welcome.
And that brings me to the next thing..... As I posted recently, my great-grandmother recently turned 100.  All the family came down and family pictures were taken.  They were really cute.  A couple weeks ago we had the family reunion and it was announced that the pictures from the birthday party were available for purchase.  My dad (whom everything seems 'fine' with, at least when it's just us) commented under his breath that he and my stepmom were upset that they couldn't get the digital file of the picture because they'd planned to photoshop it.  I asked why as I couldn't imagine why....my MIL had snapped a picture of it with my phone so I'd seen it and thought it a very good picture.  I asked if they planned to edit the background or the stools they weren't happy to be sitting on or something.  No, that wasn't it.  It was my brother's hairstyle.  They didn't like his mohawk and plan to photoshop it out.  I was dumbfounded by this response.  I still am.  I think all I said was "are you serious!?" and the reply was "well, if it's going up on the wall in my house" and "we don't want to be looking at that and other people looking at it".  Really?  I feel like as family members we should love and accept one another regardless of the choices we make.  We can set boundaries to protect ourselves but to alter the appearance of someone for the way it will make your family portrait look???  How is that representative of God's love?  How is that setting a Christlike example?  I feel so angry on my brother's behalf and I don't think anyone but me even knows about this.  What if he goes to visit and sees the altered image on the wall?  What message does that send to him, someone who already feels that church members are so hypocritical?  Someone who is already so cynical and who struggles with their self-esteem?  (then, admittedly, I selfishly had the thought of wondering if they would photoshop me if I was 'too fat' or had some other visible 'blemish' that they were embarrassed of- which of course then led me to wonder if all my being upset was really just a reflection of my own insecurity).  As I was talking this out with my mother-in-law, trying to get the perspective of an older person and of a parent, I think she got to the heart of the problem with both situations.... She said "It's like they don't accept you as a part of the family if you don't behave, act, and look according to their perfect mold of what is acceptable.  Since you aren't perfect like her kids seem to be then you must not be a part of the family and so they don't treat you as such."  How do I fix this?  Do I even try?  We cannot change others.  This has been an ongoing pattern it seems....and it is so below the surface that the average person outside the inner circle would not see it, which seems to make it doubly frustrating.  It's like a secret wound that can't be talked about because it only fuels the fire that is burning you.  I pray for my heart to be softened.  I pray for theirs to be softened.  I don't know whether to say anything.  I don't know if saying anything would do any good since it seems I am so often not heard.  You know how quickly others tune out anything you say when they are quick to be defensive?  That is how every conversation with them has ever seemed to go in regards to any confrontation of any type.  It seems that I have always been in the wrong and never they... and that isn't right.  It isn't just me being prideful or feeling victimized.  That would be true of any relationship.  It just isn't possible for one side to always be completely in the wrong.  Not where any love or respect is involved.  Do I chalk it up to they have the right to make the choices they want and leave it be?  I am trying.  I am trying to just let it go.  I am trying to just let it all go.....but maybe I'm not trying hard enough....?  I don't want to dread getting to go to the temple with my baby brother.  Right now I do, because I dread that feeling of being in there with family, and having bad feelings toward any of them.

the whys and hows

Why am I doing this?
I was thinking about that yesterday as I was lying around with a stomach bug.  Getting sick with something is one of my biggest derailers from a program of any type because I feel like it just throws me off my game.  I lay around being lazy, and loving being lazy, and start to wonder why I ever bother with doing any different.  Terrible, I know.  Consistency has never been a strong point of mine and that is where it really gets me.  I'm working on that though.

• I am doing this because grasping at straws is better than not grasping at all.
• I am doing this because it is working.
• I am working the program because the program works, because I have seen real change with my very own eyes, and because I see results quickly even in myself.
• I am choosing my life, not letting my life happen to me. 
• I feel good when I eat well, when I exercise, when I read my scriptures daily, when I pray daily, and when I attend the temple regularly.
• I know all those things and have experienced their trans-formative effect and yet I still need to be reminded of it from time to time.  All I can figure is that it's a byproduct of being human.  
• I want to help people.  I feel at my best and most fulfilled when I do.  I believe people are often put in the paths of others to help them, to be someone else's answer to a prayer.  I've had so many be that for me that I can only hope I can be that for even just one other person so that I can pay it forward..... even if these things are sometimes hard to share.
• I am doing this because I love myself, not because I hate who I am.  You don't have to dislike yourself to want to be the best version of you.  
• I want to be prepared for anything that life may throw at me.  I want to know that I have done all I can to prepare my body physically and nutritiously as well as my mind/spirit emotionally and spiritually for anything that may come in life.  If I am better prepared myself then I will not only be able to weather whatever life may bring, but I will be better equipped to help those around me, including my children.  
• I am doing this because it feels like it fits best with my personal and religious beliefs about health... slow and steady, line upon line, creates lasting and real change.  Part of my test on earth is mastery of my body that was given to me as a gift from my Heavenly Father. Moderation in all things is so very important.  Balance in all areas of life is also.  Accountability keeps us focused.  There is so much in the world to distract us from what is important and Satan is out to take the things that he most desires because he cannot have- bodies and families.  
• I want to instill good habits in my children at a young age so that they have the tools and are better equipped so that they are less likely to face these same struggles when they are adults themselves.  They already make great choices, love healthy things and exercise, and are pretty balanced kids...but there is always opportunity for teaching and improvement and for leading by example.

I really missed my regular foods and routine yesterday.  Thankfully my Shakeology settled in my system just fine or I would have been sorely missing out on any nutrients at all.  It was hard though to not get any sort of exercise. It wasn't at all that I felt guilty not doing it or that I had to.  It was just that I missed it and I was sad that my body was making it very clear that it was going to have none of it.  Thank goodness today is much better and I was able to enjoy my Burn Intervals, even getting a second wind halfway through it.  That does have to be about the fastest I have ever bounced back from food poisoning.

I'm not trying to be 'salesy' or anything... just sharing what I have seen and experienced.  I have read a lot of testimonials, even from people I personally know from my real life (don't you sometimes feel like testimonials are from 'fake' people?) about how these groups have changed their lives, how Shakeology has taken away migraines or improved ADD or inflammatory diseases (such as RA and fibromyalgia) or taken them off antidepressants entirely.  I have read much about the health benefits of various foods and believe in the power of using good food and herbs to heal and strengthen our bodies.  I was shocked when actually looking at Beachbody programs to discover how many of them were ones that friends had raved about for years and loved doing.  I never had any clue these had all been from the same company.  I knew about P90X and Insanity being 'related'.  I did not know it was also the same company behind Slim in 6 (there were a lot of Nutrisystem people doing that as their workout regime), Yoga Booty Ballet, Brazil Butt Lift, Les Mills Body Pump, Rockin Body, Turbo Jam, Turbo Fire, and more.  Did you?? Seriously, if I had known that sooner I really probably would have jumped on their products a lot sooner.  Truthfully, knowing how great the fitness programs are makes me feel a lot more confident in their other lines of products (like the Shakeology and other vitamins and skin care).  

I will say, Shakeology and the other programs are expensive.  I am a total frugal shopper.  I have even taught couponing classes for years.  I love yard sales and thrift stores.  So dropping $120 for a meal replacement shake?  I don't care if it works out to $4 a meal, that's still a lot in my book.  I have really good health insurance coverage so I wasn't going to factor in the savings in medical bills that would come from improved health or fewer medications.  I did look at it this way in the end.... a month of Nutrisystem (which I'm most inclined to compare against because of my previous success with it) is roughly $280- there's a lot of options for programs but that's about the average price.  That covers most all your meals (you do need to add in some of your own food), but in the end having all your meals prepared for you doesn't force you to make those hard daily choices of choosing and preparing good foods for yourself.  It is still too convenience based to be a full lifestyle change in the long run.  That's honestly a hard thing for me to accept.  The only other program I know to be as successful (that doesn't involve some VLCD) is Weight Watchers and that is about $30/month plus there's usually a signup fee.  Then you'll have your regular food and gym membership on top of that.  Weight Watchers I believe is successful because of the support system involved in it and its encouragement of balance and realism in your diet.  Around here, a gym membership that has any kind of childcare is about $30-$40 at minimum per month.  Sometimes you have to pay an additional $2 per kid for 2 hours of care.  We won't talk about the worrying about germs there or the child care being full or your older kids being 'too old' for it but too young to work out in the actual gym without you there by their side- leaving you to not be able to do everything you want to do because they still can only use certain areas.  Not that I've encountered this before.....Where was I?  Oh... so I kind of just figured out that it was cheaper than NS, a little more than WW but with the same benefits (because in a challenge group you've got what you'd get at a WW meeting) plus the addition of having one meal replaced during the day and health benefits of some awesome superfoods that would also take care of a lot of the nutrients your body needs.  Then as far as the exercise regime goes.... well, the Beachbody programs really vary in price a lot (we're talking from $40 to $150) but a lot of them are 60-90 day programs with the variety you need to keep you from getting bored or your body from plateauing.  Compare that to the cost of the gym membership..... To me, it really does seem cheaper, especially since I do get a decent coach discount.  I have never been a fan of workout videos, or of tripping over my children while trying to do them, but I have loved every one of these that I have tried and I'm finding I really can do them at home whether my kids are around or not.  The fact that the Shakeology has genuinely been the best tasting meal replacement of any type (except maybe those NS chocolates, those were pretty darn good), has really been a happy surprise for me.

Anyway, we all have our different whys and hows of doing things.  I think it is important to consider those and to frequently reconsider them.  I always wonder how often other people think about those things or how much is just the way my brain seems to be wired to consider human behavior.  If you're going to make a change in your life, of any kind, you need to have a reason.  You need to write that reason down to make it more concrete.  If you are going to make a big change, I think you need support and the more support the better.  Change starts with a decision for something different.  It doesn't come all at once.  Sometimes it is painfully slow and gradual.  Sometimes you don't see it at first.  It frequently requires sacrifice and a breaking of your heart so that it can repair and be soft and malleable to fit the better you.  Growing pains have always hurt.  But don't they make you stand a little taller?  If you think you'd like to join a fitness challenge group and have some accountability and support, I would be happy to help you.  There is another one starting June 3 like the one I'm doing now.  If you'd like support or help of any kind, please feel free to send me a message or comment.  

a week of rain.

As the saying goes: “When it rains it pours.”  Well, I guess we hit our overdue monsoon this week.  Here’s what it looked like:

Monday: All is well.  It’s beautiful out.  I started having some pains on Sunday and Monday they got a little more frequent but I still was able to brush them off and say ‘all is well.’

Tuesday: I can’t walk.  I call my OB and tell them I’m pretty sure my IUD (that I have had nearly a year now) is coming out and I am in a lot of pain.  Miraculously, they are able to get me in right away.  Thankfully my mother-in-law is able to watch the boys and my friend once again picks up P from school. 

At the OB I leave a sample for ‘just in case’ because the nurse doesn’t believe me that it could possibly be the IUD.  Even Dr. Volker is suspicious because that just doesn’t happen after having it that long.  It’s pretty rare anyway.  Nope, I was right.  In his words, “looks like your body is definitely trying to expel the IUD.”  So after a glare and some words about how you’re talking to the girl who got pregnant on birth control and now you’re telling me my body doesn’t like the IUD? the doctor reassures me that just because it happens once doesn’t mean it will happen again and that it would really only do it if there were a cause.  So he tells me we will give my body a month to heal and then run some tests to look for fibroids or polyps or whatever must be growing to push it out.  He sends me home with birth control but I decided there was only one safe way: abstinence.

That night my sister-in-law, who I love dearly, has her baby and all is well and we are happy.

Wednesday: I had previously scheduled an appointment with my regular physician for a check-up due to unexplained weight gain and low thyroid symptoms.  Also, my tailbone (which I dislocated giving birth to W) has really been bothering me lately and I’m hoping to finally get it fixed.  While I’m there I figure I might as well get the FluMist, because I thought getting the flu vaccine would be a good idea this year and I just wasn’t in the mood for a shot.  I got flu-like symptoms by the time I drove home and found myself feeling like crap and dealing with what I thought were after-effects of having the IUD removed.  I learn too that my sister-in-law named her baby Emma.  I love this name.  So much so that I had always planned to name a little girl of mine Emma Mae.  When P came along it just felt right to name her after my mom, not Emma.  When K2 came along I was positive he was my Emma.  Shock didn’t cut it when I learned he was a boy.  We said we were done having kids but didn’t do anything too permanent, obviously.  We always thought we might end up adopting down the road- thus ensuring having a girl and naming her Emma Mae.  So I found myself needing to deal with a finality I hadn’t quite dealt with yet.  Not that I fault my sister-in-law in the very least.  She could name her kid whatever she wanted, especially since we said we were done.  So I dealt with the acknowledgment and finality that I would never have my Emma Mae here on earth and that we probably really were done.  I spend a lot of the day in bed because I am, yet again, feeling crappy and tired and nauseous and just planning to shut out the world.

That morning W also had a visit to the dermatologist for a mole that had changed significantly.  I was happy to hear he thought it not likely to be anything.  He removed a portion of it though, to be safe.

Thursday:  I get up and feel better.  I’ve been up for a little while when I get sudden severe cramping and nausea.  When I go to the bathroom (sorry for the tmi!) I don’t want to acknowledge the thought that pops into my mind (and I’ll spare you the rest of the details here).  “That was my Emma Mae.  I can’t have her here on earth but now I know I have her in heaven.”  I put it out of my mind quickly, telling myself it’s crazy talk and that even if it isn’t then I’m just not going to deal with it.  But I do start to wonder just how much bleeding and cramping is normal when and IUD comes out.  I’m trying to look this up when the OB’s office calls.  “We need you to come in for bloodwork and an ultrasound right away.  It looks like the doctor suspects a pregnancy.”

The short of the story from there is that the ultrasound revealed no fibroids, no polyps, no anything.  What I had tried to ignore that morning was the last of my unexpected, 2 month pregnancy that must’ve grown and pushed the iud out.  The rest is just too personal, but if you think it- then I probably thought it.  I do still have to go in tommorow for follow-up bloodwork to rule out any other issues.  It does explain a lot of what I’d been feeling and experiencing over the last couple of months.

We also learned on Thursday that P’s best friend had been in the hospital since the previous afternoon with pneumonia.  We were able to go hang out for several hours to keep her happy and occupied.  I appreciated being able to hang out with my friend (who knew everything that was going on) and be able to put my mind on something else.  By that night I was exhausted though in so many ways.

Friday: I was still feeling lousy and exhausted in the morning so DH was thankfully able to stay home part of the morning and take care of some doctor’s appointments for the kids.  That afternoon I decided I’d had enough crying, moping, feeling lousy and it was time to move on and get out or I’d never feel better.  So I finally got ready for the day and decided that if DH hadn’t arranged a date then I’d go out with some girlfriends.  I’m doing okay and cleaning up the kitchen and getting ready to bake DH his favorite cookies as a way to make amends for all he’s had to do all week.  W and P are playing next door, K is eating a snack, and K2 has just gotten up from his nap.  He’s gone to go upstairs to play when I hear a tumble.  I go racing from the kitchen to catch him just before he hits the last step & hardwood floor (and I’m certain he would’ve broken his arm the way it was sticking out). 

Things, unfortunately, did not end so well for me.  I don’t remember precisely what happened aside from slipping the opposite direction and the sound of a hard smack.  I don’t remember actually catching K2, only that I know I did and must’ve set him down immediately.  Our bottom step comes out in a sort of trapezoid shape.  I recall smacking my face/jaw/neck area on that corner.  I know I smacked my head on the floor as well (and now I realize I must’ve smacked my right side on the step as well).  Next thing I know I’m face down and spitting out pieces of tooth and blood.  I know K2 must be fine because he’s walking around and not crying.  I try to get up but see stars and am just so dizzy.  Thank goodness I have my phone in my pocket and am able to call DH to tell him, between spits of blood, to hurry home & that I fell.  When the dizziness subsided enough, I got to the bathroom and called my neighbor to come get K and K2.  She got me on the couch with ice and put W in charge of making sure I didn’t fall asleep.  My neighbor kept the kids and fed them dinner until she had to go to a soccer game.  My friend brought me a smoothie because I hadn’t had any dinner yet and couldn’t open my mouth.  It wasn’t until the kids had gone to bed that I decided to go to the ER to be safe.  My friend took me until the neighbors got home and then one of them came and slept on our couch so DH could come hang out with me.

I learned that somewhere in the recent years I developed an anxiety for CT scans and MRIs.  They used to not phase me, I’ve had so many.  But I guess it’s just been since my mom’s death I’m paranoid that one is going to show something.  I was none too thrilled about needing a CT.  But all was well.  I was sent home with Ibuprofen 800 (I turned down the Lortab- that stuff’s just nasty) and a diagnosis of a neck sprain and concussion and the knowledge that I’d have to see a dentist on Monday for my mouth stuff.  They warn me that I’m going to feel worse in the coming days and feel like I’ve been in a car accident.

Saturday: I take my meds and ice my face/neck as told.  I’m so tired of being in bed by this point though that I decide I need to get out- concussion or not.  So I go to Red Apple Days with the family.  I take it easy though because it’s quickly apparent that I really do have a concussion as moving makes me nauseous.  Getting kinda tired of the nausea here.  I go to the funnest baby shower I’ve ever been to, and it’s nice to be out, but I can tell it’s quickly wearing on me.  My tongue is raw from my broken tooth (bottom front) scraping the bottom of it.  My brilliant friend Janet talks to her husband, who is an orthodontist, and he says he may be able to give me some relief and will see me in his office later.  I’m happy that between the two events I’ve found at least some food I can eat- chili and some chicken salad that had very finely shredded chicken in it.  See, I can’t use my front teeth at all, nor half my jaw because it won’t open or close all the way.

I was exhausted and slept like a baby for the next 3 or 4 hours until our babysitter got there for our date and visit to the orthodontist's office.  Our plan was to get my tooth fixed, eat soup at Marie Callenders, then go to the drive-ins so I could lay in the Luv-Sac to watch a movie.  The orthodontist was fantastic.  He rounded off my tooth so that it’ll quit scraping my tongue in the meantime.  He said I should probably wait a couple weeks before trying to get it fixed since the one next to it is hypersensitive right now (it hurts me all the time).  My jaw is definitely still swollen and tramautized- and probably will be for a week, maybe two.  It was quite apparent to him that I also chewed up my tongue and cheek as well.  The tooth that broke seems to have nerve damage- in fact, the nerve may be dead all together…which means a possible root canal in my future.  I laughed at him and told him he was talking to a girl who just barely had her first cavity.  He told me I needed to rest my jaw as much as possible, stick to a soft diet, and gave me a mouthguard to wear at night to keep me from clenching my teeth and further inflaming things.  I tried wearing it last night but it hurt having it touch all my teeth that were sensitive so I’m not sure what I’m going to do about that one.

I’m pretty tired by the end of dinner but want to go to the movie anyway.  Fame was a bit of a let-down and I fell asleep just before the end of it.  But it was a beautiful night and I was mighty comfortable in that Luv-Sac shoved in the back of DH’s truck.

Today:  It’s pretty obvious I overdid things yesterday.  I’m so tired.  But I’m also so tired of being tired and of being in bed.  And yet, when I’m up I am reminded of just how much I hate concussions and how much they can mess you up.  After all, I’ve had 3 or 4 in my lifetime.  It’s quite obvious I have a sinus infection now too.  I could feel it coming on over the last few days.  It is in full swing today, complete with 100 degree fever.  At least tommorow is Monday and it means getting antibiotics from the doctor. 

I can move my jaw a little bit more but other parts of me are more sore and stiff.  Turning my head makes me want to throw up so driving is out.  My shoulder is sore so I haven’t even tried lifting K2 (not that DH has even let me hold him). 

Emotionally, I think I’m still sort of a mess.  A part of me says “Well, this is life.  What happened happened.  It’s fine.  I’ll be fine.  It could be worse.”  And it certainly could and thank goodness it’s not!  Part of me is done with being sad and is ready to move on.  Part of me though just feels so physically miserable that it’s making me still emotionally miserable.  That part wants my mommy.  I want her to hold me and tell me nice things and make me laugh and do whatever she’d do so perfectly to make everything all better.  But, see, I can’t dwell on that too much or I’ll start being too sad and then I’ll cry…and have you ever tried crying when you have a concussion and a sinus infection?  It’s just a recipe for a head explosion. 

 So that was our week of rain.  I think I’m going to take a nap now.  And then maybe I’ll find a movie to watch that has rainbows in it or something.  

finding joy.

There has been a lot of talk at church lately about finding joy in our journey and being happy with our lot in life. We had a nice RS thing about it this past week. I came home and thought about whether or not I was happy with my stage in life. I get comments from other moms who've been there that I am in the hardest stage and that is especially hard that I have so many so close together. But I also recently had an experience talking with a total stranger (another blog for that one) who has never been married or had kids and just had the reaction of 'oh, hold them and love on them every minute you can because it is gone so fast.'  They do! P gets her kindergarten shots this week. W is almost a first grader. I am almost out of the baby stage- K2 turns 1 in just 6 weeks. And you know what I realized? I am happy with my stage in life. Trust me...life is really hard right now. But these trials make us better. I have been humbled in many ways. I have had to make adjustments to my views and my attitude. I feel pulled in every way imaginable and burdened to the point of barely being able to stand. But I am happy. I know this life is just a moment and I am happy with the growth I have seen in DH and I. I know that God's hand is in all things. I have a testimony and that makes me happy. I have 4 beautiful children who bring and immense amount of joy and completeness to my life. I have a supportive and kind husband. I have been greatly blessed by people around me lately who have followed promptings and little nudgings they have received. They probably don't even realize that they have been my angels and answers to my prayers. While I may complain or gripe or moan or kick and fight it is because I have growing pains. Growth is hard and painful but it is good and I stand a little taller as a result. At least that's what I like to tell myself. =)