shakeology

Saw this picture and thought DANG. Can you believe all these ingredients in just a single serving of Shakeology? No wonder it is so beneficial and helps so many parts of the body!

dangit

Well it turns out that asthma attack in the water was no joke.  The dr says I am pretty much not moving any air. Looks like it's a steroid injection, steroid pills, antibiotics, and rest for the next few days. I didn't know before that wheezing is actually a good thing when you have asthma because it means you are moving air. I almost didn't go in because I wasn't wheezy.  
This was my lunch.... Because washing dishes to have a clean cup for my Shakeology sounded like way more work than I can muster...because eating is a lot of work....because I was out picking up my steroid meds anyway....because apparently lack of oxygen will do all that to you. Everything is a chore right now, even thinking. I'm grateful I have a book to curl up with, a husband who I know will be happy to take care of me, and that the dr was able to squeeze me in so hopefully my lungs can recover a little faster.

turkey veggie taco boats

Turkey Veggie Taco Boats

Brown on medium high: 2 lbs turkey for 5-6 min in large skillet. Add 2 cans stewed Mexican style tomatoes (with juice) and mash to crush tomatoes. Add 1 cup pureed carrots (to make: steam 3 inch chunks then put in food processor with a little water if necessary). The rest I eyeballed: 1 tsp each of garlic salt, oregano, cumin, and chili powder. Add 2 tsp minced onion. Add some cornstarch if desired to thicken. Reduce heat to low, cover and simmer 10-15 minutes to thicken.
Dish into taco bowls and top with favorite taco toppings! My kids raved about it.
Inspiration: Deceptively Delicious cookbook by Jessica Seinfeld

Let them eat cake

Between family reunion and family vacation and the busyness that is summer, I haven't found the time to sit and blog my thoughts like I'd like. Still, I couldn't let this cake I made go unmentioned. I want to make sure that I remember how I did it. 

First off, I modified the recipe found here: http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/lightened-hummingbird-cake-10000000258217/

The original that that was modified from was one of my favorites that my mom would make me as a kid. I've started making it on occasion for my daughter's birthday (which was the occasion today). We love it. It's like a banana bread in a cake form, with a sinful cream cheese frosting. 

Here is my version made today: 

Ingredients

2 1/4 cups whole wheat flour

3/4 cups almond flour 

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1 1/4 cups honey

1 tsp cinnamon

2 eggs

1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce

3 tablespoons coconut oil

5 to 6 mashed bananas

1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract

1 (8oz) can crushed pineapple, undrained (I actually had a 15 oz one and did just over half of it)

Spray a 9x13 pan and preheat oven to 350*.

Combine dry ingredients. In a separate bowl, mix together eggs, applesauce, honey, and oil. Combine with flour mixture but do not beat or overly mix. In a separate bowl mix together bananas, pineapple and vanilla. Stir into batter until combined. 

Bake for about 30 minutes and check center for doneness. 

Cream cheese(ish) frosting

5oz low-fat cream cheese

1/3 cup ricotta cheese

1 tablespoon coconut oil

1 cup powdered sugar

Beat together everything except powdered sugar until well blended. Gradually  add in powdered sugar and beat to consistency.
 

*I think this 'frosting' would even work well as a fruit dip. You might even be able to leave out the powdered sugar that way. It set up pretty nicely when I put it all in the fridge after putting it on the cake. 

scratch that

There's a reason you should generally weigh at consistently the same time and on the same day of the week.  Your body just fluctuates so much.  Monday is my normal day for that so I decided to go ahead just in case it was better than yesterday.  It was.  I did gain .4 lbs this week but that's not bad, especially since I lost 5.25" this week.  Seriously.  Can you believe it?  That's actually my biggest loss of inches in a single week yet.
So overall I'm at having gotten rid of 4.2 pounds and 13.25 inches since starting the challenge group on April 29th.  That I can live with.

I did my first day of the Push Circuit for ChaLean Extreme today.  LOVED it!  I nearly cried a couple of times and I said a lot of bad words in my head.  I think I yelled a couple of times too.  But taking those stats and pictures that made me cry yesterday lit a fire under me and I was determined to really push myself during this Push phase of the program.  So I did.  My muscles were tired and felt shaky afterward but I felt amazing.  Seriously.  Like a total high.  Better than any food is going to get me.  Also, I felt incredibly strong because I was lifting weights as heavy as Chalene Johnson or her sister Jenelle Summers- fitness professionals.  Maybe they don't really lift that.  Maybe they do it in the video to make you feel better.  If that's the case it worked. ;)  I did a strength training class in college and today I was doing bicep curls at the same weight I recall doing them back then.  I should find that paper I had where I recorded all that.  There is a mental power to feeling physically strong... especially when you feel like people look at you and see someone who is weak.  Do you do that when you see someone who is overweight?  You don't know what's really in there.



Also, just an FYI-  Beachbody is having a killer sale this week only.  I'm thinking I might just load up on a few things.  I know some people who really love TurboFire and the Energy & Endurance that are half off.

And a final note.... I remembered that summer is upon us.  How could I forget right? Well, I remembered that summer is typically a very difficult time in our household.  My husband's line of work means that summer is pretty stressful and that tends to spill over at home.  He was better about it last year.  We did, however, receive some news that means this year will be particularly stressful at work.  It is a trigger for him and it is a trigger for me.  Sometimes we feel like we need to celebrate come September just having survived a summer together.  Sometimes I feel like moving away for just the summer.  It is also when the big bam 'D-Day' occurred 3 years ago.  3 years? Really?  Has it been that long?  I'll have to double-check that, but, yes, I do believe so.  Even still.  It got me to thinking that I am glad that I know I have a support network and some plans in place that will help me get through the summer.  I'm glad that I have a place to stay accountable when I am tempted by stress eating.  I am glad that I honestly don't even feel those cravings as bad anymore and that I can tell there is a deeper, more lasting, change going on within me.  I don't have to dread this summer.  I have something to look forward to.

celebrate you

NSV.  It's a non-scale victory.  It's an opportunity to celebrate yourself because you should be celebrating something about yourself each and every day.  Find something about yourself to celebrate every day as well as with each person in your family.  What if we did that and wrote that down?  I'll bet our lives would totally change.  Hmm...this is a brilliant idea of mine.  I think I might just do this.

Well, here is what went down today:
I finally got the call last Friday that my insurance settlement money was in.  The money from the car accident I was in a year and a half ago.  This thing has been a mess I tell you.  I have had the worst time with the case managers even though the lawyers themselves are great.  I have been anxious to just get it all done and over with just because of their horrible lack of communication and follow through.  Well, my case manager and I set up an appointment for me to come in and pick up the checks (multiple because I had children in the car with me who were seen on dr orders as well).  We set a very clear appointment for Tuesday because she says she will be out of the office all day on Monday and isn't sure what the attorney's schedule will be.
So.... I drive 40 minutes to this lawyer's office (getting my boys' chicken nuggets because I went straight from kinder pickup in order to be there before her lunch break as arranged) to find she is not there.  She is at lunch.  A lunch she wasn't supposed to take for another hour from the time I was there.  The receptionist explains that one of the lawyers had them switch lunch schedules for the day.  Well, that's all fine and good except she could have called me.  I'm not leaving though because I know that this will not be resolved otherwise.  I need this to just be done with.  She is calling and texting this lady to get her back in the office with no response.  Anyway, long story short.... I waited for an hour with my 6 and 5 year old boys and a couch and a tv playing ESPN.  Let me tell you how much fun that is.  It's not.  I was furious.  My husband was texting me saying that I should demand that they pay me the equivalent of that girl's hourly wage.  Right. Well, at first I was nice.  I was being all polite and professional and practicing my mean glare.  Beware the silent and angry woman.  Then I was all 'no...my time is valuable too and I will not be just walked over!'.  Thanks PASG for teaching me that lesson.  It was sort of like my own little victory to say that for myself.  I could feel tears just below the surface when my actual attorney appeared and immediately said "Have you really been here for an hour?".  I cry when I get mad. I hate it.  So I remained as calm as I could because I didn't want to cry but my voice cracked a bit when I said that 'yes, in fact I have and yes, I did have a very clear appointment (as did the other guy that had been there waiting for the same lady).'  I made sure to let them know that I was not happy and I deserved better.  I'm glad PASG taught me that lesson- It's okay to be mad and upset and to express those feelings.  You just have to be sure that you are responding or acting mindfully instead of merely reacting to something.  My hands were shaking because I was so mad.

So I'm mad but at least I finally get my settlement documents and checks and I can be done with all this.  I'm still shaking because I'm mad about all this when I leave.  I want desperately to stop at that McDonald's there and get a soft serve ice cream cone (I heard they're only 1 WW point after all so they must be good for you!) because surely I deserved it after dealing with all that crap.  My boys certainly did.  Or I wanted a cookie from somewhere.  I really deserved it when I had barely gone down the road and an idiot driver in the lane next to me seriously swerved for no apparent reason and very very nearly sideswiped me.  No joke, had I not had both hands on the wheel at the time I probably would've jerked my car too far out of the way and into the car on the other side of me or over-corrected right back into his.  My poor boys were all scared all over again.  Where was I?  Oh, right.  I deserved a treat for all this crappy afternoon I was having.  Guess what though?  I didn't.  First, all I could think about besides the fact that I had so much adrenaline coursing through my body now and that my hands were shaking and I was so mad at my utter waste of an afternoon (which, obviously, was not a total waste) was how badly I had to pee!  Seriously.  Thinking about that reminded me just how much water I'd been sipping at to keep myself occupied while waiting and just in general.  That reminded me about my workout that morning and my accountability/fitness group and how I'd committed to doing really well this week and being done with my spiral of a weekend.  So I drove the rest of the way home thinking about the healthy treats I was going to have when I got home because that was what I deserved.  I had some vegan brownies I made yesterday and some greek yogurt with some PB2+chocolate in it.  I felt much better.  As I sat there feeling better I wondered if it had to do with the food.  Like how an addict needs a fix and calms down when they get the fix.  This has always been a struggle for me.  I feel like there is a lot of wonderful literature out there about my husband's pornography addiction and how it works in terms of the brain processes and chemicals etc.  I know that a food addiction must work the same way but you can't simply cut that out in the same way you can pornography.  So what do you do?  I realized at that moment that it wasn't about the food then.  I felt better because I had taken control of something that I really did have control of.  I was upset about my lack of control in a situation where someone did not hold up to their end of an agreement, at my expense, and then about my lack of control in a situation that put my family's safety at risk.  Then there's that whole lack of control of whatever the heck is going on in my body and having any knowledge about it.  I've always tried to shut out those feelings with doing whatever with abandon, which usually meant some sort of binge or eating something that would make me feel bad so at least then I'd later have that feeling to focus on.  Obviously that doesn't work.  But today I felt better eating something...something good for me....because I had control over something that I could have control over.  Ohhhhhhhh.......

Hey big guy.... Thanks for answering that prayer to help me make good choices today. ;)

hooray for Monday

Aren't fresh starts great?  Didn't know you had so much to look forward to in a Monday?  I love em.  I was able to recommit today and it felt great.  I went to bed super duper late last night and that left me pretty tired today.  In fact, I felt myself falling asleep while driving between the library and my house.  The library is a whopping 4 miles away.  When I got home I didn't take a nap though.  I knew that if I did that I would likely sleep or lounge my day away and I had already made a promise to myself that was not going to happen.  So I decided to get my workout done instead.  Besides, when I was running a couple errands first I had been sitting in a waiting room where some morning show was on.  They were running a report about being sleep deprived (which I found rather amusing) and steps you can take to 'mask' it.  One part of it said that even though exercise may feel like the very last thing on earth you want to do, studies find that if you can get yourself to do even just 6 to 11 minutes of aerobic movement then it will make a significant difference.  What a perfect day to test that.  So I did my ChaLean Extreme Burn Circuit 2.  And it burned.  And by the time I was 6 to 11 minutes into it I forgot that I was even tired.  At the end, I was drenched in sweat and felt fantastic.  That was a good feeling.  I needed today to be a win and I made it one.

Also, I was thinking that I should share more of the recipes and foods that I am enjoying.  Tonight I made up something new.  I had gotten some premade pizza dough at Trader Joe's and had this idea for a yummy pizza.  The top one is their garlic & herb dough.  I drizzled a little olive oil on it and then I topped it with their artichoke antipasto.  Then I topped it with an Italian cheese blend.  That's it.  So easy.  Sooooooo good.  The other pizza was with their whole wheat dough.  I made a homemade pizza sauce (couple little cans of tomato sauce, half a little can of tomato paste for thickness, fresh basil, fresh garlic, oregano, parsley, and minced onion flakes) and I topped it with the same Italian cheese blend and turkey pepperoni and sausage crumbles.  The family loved it and it was so filling!  My husband could barely eat two slices.  I was full after just one.

not perfect at all

Today. Well. I didn't want to post about today. Which told me I probably should. Which led me to remember that quote about how when it is hardest to pray is when you need to pray hardest. Something like that. 

The boys at my house were all at a campout last night. Being that I have 3 boys and 1 girl, that is no small thing. She had been counting down the days and had determined we would shop while they were gone. Well, I inadvertently slept in (which was glorious) and when I woke up this morning she was fully dressed to her shoes and ready to go. I gave her several choices and she chose the swap meet. Since it is outdoors and since it is Vegas, that meant we needed to go pronto. No workout first thing in the am for me. I had a quick breakfast of granola (should've had my shake but wanted to save it for after my workout). A tiny whisper of a voice told me I should but I ignored it because I surely knew better. 

We ended up being gone the bulk of the day, my legs are still tired from all the walking we did. We had a rather late lunch of cafe rio salad and then by the time we got home the boys were home. It was our family's turn to clean our church with a few other families so I was home not even 30 minutes before we left to do that. 

It was after 5 when we finally left the church building. I had my ultrasounds scheduled at 6 and one was the super fun kind where you get to drink 48oz of water an hr before the test but don't you dare go to the bathroom. Lemme tell you.... Super fun when you've had 4 kids. SO glad I didn't have a pregnant belly to add to that too! 

So I went to this appointment (scheduled on a Sat because they said I had to since the dr order was marked 'at risk') feeling pretty tired and worn down from the day. I got anxious walking in but quickly pushed that aside and distracted myself while waiting with Pinterest on my phone.  I get my ultrasounds and it's all really rather uncomfortable- in fact it is downright painful at one point. I wish the tech would turn the screen so I can see but I don't speak up. I don't ask the questions I want to because I'm afraid they either won't tell me or they will and I won't like the answer. So what do I do? I sneak a peek at the thumbnail captured images when they leave me in the room to change afterward. What I see frightens me. Sure does look a lot like my son's abnormal kidney. Only I know it isn't a kidney. 'I shouldn't jump to conclusions' I tell myself. 'I am not a doctor' I remind myself.  'The fact that it was so painful doesn't have to mean anything' I reassure myself.  In any case, my husband is texting me about date night and that he finally got a babysitter so I should meet him at the movie theater. I grab a protein box from the Starbucks in the same parking lot as the medical place because I haven't had dinner and he has. I don't have time to think about this anymore.... I have places to be and things to do. So now I'm going to go distract myself with a movie. 

So this is where it went down I think. I tried to slip a hint of how I was feeling to DH by saying when I saw him "I snuck a look and it looked like K's kidney." No real reaction. And anyway, a movie theater isn't really the place for that kind of conversation. Know what I did instead? I got an ice cream Snickers bar from the concession stand. All ridiculously overpriced $3.50 of it. I had time to think about it. I told DH I wanted it and he said "Am I supposed to talk you out of it or support you by saying ok because I don't know what I'm supposed to do."  So I just got it. I really wanted it. They always make me feel better. And I just didn't want to think about it, or anything, anymore. I'm not going to lie, it was really good. I also had (non-buttered) popcorn but it wasn't as good.

It wasn't until driving home that I finally decompressed and started actually thinking. I could've hopped on fb to my accountability group and reached out that I was having a hard time and feeling tempted. I didn't want to and I didn't. What made this time different? I had the thought while driving. Just as we need to pray hardest when it is hardest, so it is with reaching out. I didn't want to reach out because that would require some sort of explanation why. Not really, but it's that way in my head at least. That meant I needed to face with and feel my feelings. I don't want to do that tonight. I don't want to say that it hurt or that I'm afraid or that I'm sad that I don't have my mom to talk to about womanly things. I don't want to admit that I worry about the worst because I've had such toxic people in my life for so long who have been very critical of me and my health (healthy or not) and my tendency to prepare for the worst just in case. It's just that the worst becomes such a real possibility when your mom dies suddenly from a health condition she didn't know about when you were only 17, and she only 38. I thought as I drove that I should've said a prayer and told my Heavenly Father how I was feeling. Even just a silent one. Just to 'get it out' so I wouldn't feel so tempted to stuff it. Having that thought, of what I should do and that it was okay to feel those things and tell Him as much, while driving felt like my own little bit of grace. I'm still sad. I'm still scared. I'm still nervous. But I'm trying, I'm really really trying, to be ok with that and to ALLOW myself to feel that fully. To be okay with allowing myself that. If it all turns out nothing then I don't need to feel stupid or embarrassed for putting this out there and feeling those things. Right? I mean, it's okay that this is my reality and I shouldn't be worrying about those toxic voices of "you're being a hypochondriac" or "I'm sure it's not a big deal" or "there's no point in worrying" because hearing those voices really probably is just messing me up more. Those people with those voices are mostly out of my life now. So why do I still let them talk to me as though they matter?  Why do I struggle so much to let them go when the further I get in my recovery the more clear their damage becomes?  Maybe it's that they are the ones who were always there for me. Or at least who I thought were. So the thought of something happening that would leave me 'needing' them leaves me anxious that I will just be all alone? Except DH. There is always him. He has never been toxic, even in his addiction. I know I've always got him. Oh, and there's that other guy. The one I should have talked to first. 

on mothers day

I haven't felt much like writing these last few days, which means I've probably needed to more than ever.  I'm not perfect.  Not even close.  They've been up and down kind of days for the most part.  Today is Mother's Day and on the whole it has been a good day.  It is also my youngest's 5th birthday.  How the time has flown.  It has been good to have the day be about him as well because it takes my mind off missing my own mother or my own needs of feeling particularly valued and special.  People, do you know how much women need written words of praise and compliment to refer to?  Do men need the same thing?  I don't know.  But I don't know a woman who doesn't battle with comparing herself to others, measuring herself up- even against herself and her own ideals, issues of self-image and those put out by the media.  We need something to refer to when we are feeling bogged down.

Anyway, so it has been a good day.  I have to say that I have eaten very mindlessly because I told myself I just wasn't going to worry about today.  Know what?  I don't feel good.  It isn't a guilt thing at all.  It is that I don't make good food choices when I eat mindlessly and my body and brain suffer as a result.  I am sluggish and tired and just feel kind of 'bleh' even though it's been a good day.  So I find myself looking forward to tomorrow and starting a new week fresh, and eating lots of fresh and healthy foods.  I am kind of dreading weighing in in the morning after the day I've had, but what's done is done.

I had an incident on Friday that I want to record.  I was very angry with my husband and struggling with a lot of triggering feelings.  He did something that was reminiscent of some of his 'telltale' behaviors and that coupled with the general triggering of this weekend (due to some past Mother's Day experiences as well as the fact that just plain missing my mom is a trigger), I was feeling myself spiral.  I am happy to say that I did not binge, and in fact I ate all good foods....though it was hard.  I did find that I went a lot of the day without eating at all, which is also not a healthy reaction.  I was okay in the end though.  It was supposed to be my exercise 'rest day' so I had not worked out.  I think that made a difference as well.  By the end of the day I was just struggling so much that I decided I needed to simply get out and go for a ride.  I initially wanted to tackle 'the hill' because I felt angry enough that I determined I would make it to the top and that was certain to make me feel better.  However, the sun was setting and it turns out the road isn't exactly lit.  I determined that no matter how upset I was I still wanted to see my own children for Mother's Day, so I felt it best to play it safe.  First of all, just putting on my workout clothes made me feel empowered.  I was amazed at how differently I felt just making that step.  I don't know if it was how the clothes felt on me or if it was the fact that I was taking a step to regain control of a situation I felt I had none.  So I went for a bike ride, in the windy night, and rode until my head cleared.  I went a route I'd never taken before and I rode overpasses that have always made me nervous....not just for the size of their hills but also for the fact that I have a thing about bridges.  There is this thing about biking uphill that just feels so much like life.  You have to keep moving at even the slowest but most steady pace or you will lose your balance and stop.  You might feel like you are going so slow and making even no progress, but if you set your sight on a goal even just the slightest bit ahead you will see that you make it.  You do it little by slow little.  The long hills that you don't even recognize as being hills are the worst that way.  The bigger, but shorter, hill was much easier.  I was surprised at how very quickly I was able to power up it.  In the end I biked for about 11 miles and it really did feel good.  I was glad to have made a healthy, empowering, choice rather than a bad one.

My mom and I at our last Christmas together.  She passed away suddenly 7 months later.  Guess I do look kinda like her. :)

Happy Mothers Day to all you women out there.  I know from my time attending support groups that it can be a pretty difficult day for women whose spouses are addicts.  They are in relationships where their spouse has become desensitized to their intimate needs.  I mean on a very emotional level.  They do not feel loved and cared for in a deep way.  If they know of a husband's problem with pornography then today can serve as a reminder of his disrespect of women, and of their sacred and special relationship.  That can be very hard.  They do not feel they are the most important woman in their world.  Even if their children adore them and shower them with love, it is inadequate if it does not also come from the person to whom they choose to commit to living their life with.  For those who are no longer in the relationship, today can serve as a hard reminder of not having someone there to make the day special.  I want you to know I think of you today too.  You may be a mother but, particularly if you are a mother to younger children, you may not have someone there to lead in making the day any different than the rest and making you feel important.  You are important.  Women who are struggling to repair broken relationships and trust need extra love and attention on this day.  It needs to be a bigger deal than it might under normal circumstances.  It becomes an opportunity for the other person to show some forethought, to show that they think about them in times other than the last minute when the pressure is on, to show them that they matter and that they are important and that they are grateful to have them still in their life.  I don't mean to put undue pressure on a holiday.  I just say this because it has been not just my personal experience, but what I heard repeatedly from other women independently in recovery group settings.  We are often (or I hope we are) aware of the women who have a hard time with Mother's Day: those who are unwed, who struggle with infertility, who have lost their own mother's.  There is another, often very silent, group who struggles as well and I want you to know that I know you and I understand and it will get better.

food for thought.

Sometimes when I do my scripture study I will go through the random manuals and other resources found in the Gospel Library app.  Tonight I happened upon a church publication called "God Loveth His Children."  It's excellent and worth reading imho even if what it is addressing is not your struggle.  I mention it because there was one very particular part that stood out to me.  I need to put it on my wall or, at the very least, my fridge.  It's so appropriate for my focus on the word 'nourish' for the year:

"You will be most successful in controlling your life as you constantly nourish your spirit.  Avoiding food for prolonged periods, followed by excessively large meals, will not maintain physical health.  Likewise, feeding your spirit sporadically, even in large proportions, will not yield the same result as constantly, daily nourishing your spirit."

confession.

My  name is Hala and I have an addiction to food.  I use overeating as a means of making myself feel secure in my marriage.  For example, I think to myself  "If I don't feel good about how I look (or just plain don't feel good) then I feel more drawn to be with DH because I know he loves me and accepts me as I am.... or if I don't feel good about my body then I can 'hide' from being intimate- or I can use my being overweight as a 'justification' for a lack of sex life or lack of apparent interest from my spouse...thus it 'protects' me."  Of course, these are faulty thought processes.  I only hurt myself by making myself unhealthy and uncomfortable.  I draw inward and become reclusive unless I consciously fight those urges.  It limits my life and my involvement with my children.  It doesn't show the proper love and respect for the beautiful gift of a body that God has given me.  Instead it shows a lack of self-discipline & self-mastery and allows Satan to have the body he so deserves.

interesting.

From this month's Real Simple magazine- figure that everything is in quotes: (I REALLY recommend reading the full article)

1. Thin people favor bulky foods (i.e. high water content, lots of fiber, low in cals but satiating)

2. Thin people watch portion sizes ("to keep an eye on what they eat without being obsessive, many focus on filling their plates with mostly fruits, vegetables, and lean protein")

3. Thin people can put themselves first  <--- rang home to me!!
"For five years, Anne Fletcher, a registered dietitian and the author of Thin for Life, worked in an obesity clinic. 'So often the women I saw were people who refused to take time for themselves,' she recalls, 'Their whole lives were spent giving giving, giving--which women tend to do anyway, but it was really to a faulty.  Sometimes you need to put yourself first.'  Thin women prioritize eating right, exercising regularly, and reducing stress-- all of which are conducive to staying slim.  Fletcher confesses to missing the occasional Little League game to work out but contends that such behavior shouldn't induce guilt.  Rather, it's about taking care of yourself. 'When people take the reins, they realize that the solution to weight control is inside them, they realize that the solution to weight control is inside them, not in some magic potion or fad diet that their mother or sister is on."

4. Thin people have thin parents (genetics and good examples)

5. Thin people don't skip meals

6. Thin people limit their options

7. Thin people live in Colorado (this state has the highest percentage of people at a normal weight)

8. Thin people don't sit still

9. Thin people weigh themselves (not obsessively but at least a couple times a week)

10. Thin people don't skip breakfast

11. Thin people enjoy their food ("'Naturally thin people enjoy their food every bit as much as overweight people do..In fact, many enjoy it more, because they eat without self-reproach.'  Feelings of guilt, or believing that everyone is watching what you're eating (and thinking you shouldn't be having that hot-fudge sundae) interfere with enjoyment. 'Thin people are selective gourmets...Our bodies have a budget, like our checkbook.  We should 'spend' on what we eat selectively, not compulsively'"

12. Thin people practice early intervention

13. Thin people do what works:   "The biggest difference between the permanently thin and everyone else might very well be this: Those who don't  gain (or regain) have come up with effective, specific, and often personal ways to keep their weight in check...'Thin people get out of the mind-set of being 'good' or 'bad', it's about doing what works'...when good habits are integrated into your life, something shifts.  There's no need to count calories, agonize over an order of fries, track miles walked, or (worst of all) talk endlessly about what you're eating and not eating.  For the thin, feeling strong, healthy, and yes, slim are powerful rewards--and their chief motivation to continue...'More than 90 percent of those who have mastered weight maintenance feel like they're not dieting.  It becomes a way of life."

update.

I have officially FINALLY lost 40+ pounds!! YAY. Apparently this is the magic number because so many people are suddenly saying things to me. My sister-in-law (who lives just down the street) said that she really didn't recognize me at church on Sunday. She thought it was someone else sitting with DH. And a lot of friends and family have asked me for more information, wanting to maybe sign up for Nutrisystem. One of my best friends just started doing it with her own food. And NS just started selling some of their lunch bars and desserts at Albertsons and I'm SOO excited!!!

The last few months have been difficult as far as weight loss goes. Times have been stressful and I haven't been vigilant in keeping track of everything and being 100%. Also, I got into the size I expected to be at my goal so a part of me felt like I was where I wanted to be and so I acted like I was on maintenance. But I guess the good news is that I did actually maintain. But now I'm back on top of things and I will be at goal by the beginning of summer- check out my ticker on my page.

Why have things been stressful? Well, I had 2 funerals in the last month. The first was my mother-in-law's mother. That was in Arizona. It was sad because I knew the two of them were close and her dad died when she was 12. I've already lost one parent...I can't imagine losing the second. The second was my best friend's dad. That was just a couple weeks ago. It's been a lot harder than I expected. It's been an eye opening experience too as I've realized how much I would turn to food when upset before. But it's also great too because I have seen how far I've come and food is no longer an emotional thing. I can find other outlets.

in the beginning.

This is harder for me to do than you may imagine.  I'm trying to break through some problems of mine and to do that I need to own up to myself and face my reality.  This is a little attempt at doing that.  Please do not judge me.  This is the story of me and my weight:

I've never been 'thin'.  I'm curvy- some people are just built that way.  My thinnest was a year before mom died- 135 lbs I think.  We went to the gym a lot together.  Then I started dating DH (husband now) and gained weight fast- he eats all the time and thinks food should be fore pleasure.  Didn't work out as much because I was spending time with him.  Then mom died and food became a comfort.  I went to college and DH left on a mission for our church.  It was all I had.  But I met with a nutritionist about my hypoglycemia and learned how to manage that.  Mono got me started, that helped me continue..and living completely by myself for a summer allowed me to focus on myself.  I had a lot of self-discipline and lost a lot of weight on my own.  I biked the Provo River trail frequently.  My weight was up and down through school and I now that I think about it it may have had something to do with my scheduling.  But the summers I enrolled in PE and outdoor rec classes and boy was I in good shape!!  Summer before DH came home (summer 2001) I was in weight lifting and outdoor rec- did a 3 day hike even.  Was in great shape.

DH came home from his mission Feb 2002.  We got married in June and I probably weighed 145 but I felt skinny and great.  He's always complimented me tons and made me feel like I look great so that's helped.  Weight slowly crept back on.  I got pregnant a month later.  Gained 50 lbs I think.  6 mo after W was born I still wasn't losing the weight even though I was eating well and exercising frequently.  Went to the dr.  Turns out I had an EXTREMELY underactive thyroid (also why I gained so much during the pregnancy).  Started meds and started losing weight finally.  Too bad it was only a month later that I was pregnant again.  I only gained 15 lbs with the 2nd one thanks to having the thyroid in control and going on frequent walks.  People actually said I looked like I was losing weight. 

THEN the emotional problems came back.  DH's addiction came up and threw me through a loop.  Caused big problems for me that still haunt me.  Since I was pregnant (with #2 at the time) and DH was moving to Vegas so we could relocate- the dr. thought it best to put me on Zoloft.  I agreed to a super-minimal dose because of his kind explanations and the fact that I met almost all of the 'risk factor' indicators.  I was more emotional with this pregnancy than the first and didn't want to take it out on W.  I still got PPD (postpartum depression)- yes, it's real and scary because it's uncontrollable.  The dr. upped my dose because of the hormones after having a baby and because I was relocating to my in-laws basement and away from my family in UT. 

Oct. of last year I quit the meds.  November was hard but I did it.  December came and DH confessed to a relapse.  That's when I realized that every time I got really stressed and depressed, I gained weight.  I gained back what I'd lost after having P and having a contest with a friend. 

So I've fluctuated in my weight about 5-10 lbs since.  I went to the gym a lot, had a personal trainer, counted calories and still was stuck.  Got frustrated and went for a physical hoping that I'd have bad news that would give me motivation again.  Not so.  I'm actually healthier than most.  My body fat percentage and BMI (when calculated by a trainer using weight and measurements) were actually LOW- I've always had a lot of muscle.  So, despite losing a jeans size I still got discouraged about the scale not moving and more or less gave up.  Of course it moved back up to where it was- but I still kept that new size. 

I realize that I know WAY to much about addictions to let this one control me.  I've been hiding from myself in my studies of them and I'm realizing that now.  I know what it's like to break the addiction cycle and the demons you have to face.  That scares me.  But I also know it's possible.  I don't want to be depression prone the rest of my life and I think that facing this will help, even if it means delving deep into one for a little while.  I will succeed and I will triumph a new and better person for it.  My weakness will become my strength.  No more comments on how 'it's about time' or 'I'm glad you're finally doing something' or 'you could stand to lose some weight.' etc.  It hasn't been for a lack of trying.  And at least I still know that I am a good person.  I hate people that are shallow and think so much revolves around looks and sex.  That's not who you are.  I've been trying to deal with the wrong battle.

I've found something that will help me to focus on me and lose the weight finally.  I joined Nutrisystem on 10/11/05.  I haven't told anyone but DH.  It's perfect for my situation with the kids (gives me prepared foods so I don't have to cook for myself and can still eat the right portions, right stuff, and at the right time).  The dr tells me when I talk to him about my concerns about my weight that I need to be easier on myself and I underestimate how hard it is on me emotionally and physically to have two kids so young and so close together.  I'm admitting now that he's right.  I don't think it's that bad but I think I still underestimate it's toll on me.  I'm taking the time now to deal with life no matter how hard and how badly I want to run away. 

The nation as a whole needs to look at food differently.  It is fuel and fuel alone.  It was meant to nourish our bodies...not give us comfort.  We shouldn't be taking in any more than our bodies need to function. 

Please be supportive.