happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  I started the day by joining my Stake for a 5K first thing in the morning with these two.

I did it!!!

I did it!!! Completing IronGirl has been a huge dream accomplishment for me for many years.  I'm so excited to be able to say I did it.  Was it perfect?  No.  I had an asthma attack in the (very cold) water that I never fully recovered from and then I later crashed on my bike at the dismount.  Was it awesome to finish?  Yes.  I loved having my friend and neighbor there to do it with me also.  It's so much more fun having someone to beat yourself up with. ;)

Here are some of my thoughts on the race:
I do not like open water swimming so much- I felt like I was going nowhere & swallowed a lot of nasty water. It is one extremely hilly course- which makes me feel a bit better about my not-so-great time. Triathamom feels like a baby course compared to this. You should really slow down a lot more than I did before jumping off your bike. I don't have to have music to work hard. That felt like an accomplishment in itself. You should not accidentally drop a safety pin in your sock. Good thing that didn't pop open! Even if you think your bike is fine, you should get it checked out when there is free tuning available, otherwise your gears that work best on the uphills might have gotten knocked out of whack on your drive. It is a pretty amazing thing to see the variety of women who will do this. Don't put limitations on yourself! The stories, the body types, the ages... They will inspire you. A .3 mile uphill to transition from swim is not very nice. For that matter, starting out uphill for bike and run isn't very pleasant either. My husband insists there are equal downhills for uphills but it certainly didn't feel that way. Sunrise glare makes it hard to see buoys. I should really stop not doing much of any training the month prior to the month of a major race. My time would probably be much better then. It also would have been helpful to do some bricks before....and to run more than 1.5 miles. Inhalers are good. Asthma attacks are not. Thank goodness for gels. Shakeology makes a pretty good pre-race breakfast. The Henderson PD were awesome for the support and it was great to feel safe on the bike & not have to stop. It is good to do hard things, things that scare you, and to check off your bucket list items. I pretty much rock. That's how finishing made me feel. You should do IronGirl, or some other triathlon for that reason alone. I did it. I felt good most of the time. I felt great finishing. Until next year!

I still don't like open water.

fatigue

I absolutely LOVE this. I was thinking about this as I was biking uphill today. I once talked to my (avid athlete) friend about how hard upholds are on my breath and heart. She then pointed out that the uphills are actually when you are supposed to 'recover'- focusing more on staying steady and balanced. You have to pedal at a looser gear so you are making more rotations though not going very far at a time. This is VERY much a mental thing to me and I think of this every time I bike uphill, and how like life it is.

just some fun in Utah

This was my day today.  I rode my bike the longest yet, 24 miles on the Murdoch Canal Trail. Gorgeous!  I would move back to Utah just for the trails.  Then my baby brother went through the temple for the first time and I was able to be a part of that.  Later that evening we celebrated another brother's birthday with a party at his house and my family's first time playing RockBand.  Turns out my 6 year old is awesome on vocals.

summa-summa-summa-summatime

Dang, I feel like it's been forever since I blogged.  Having the kids home from school just plain throws all schedules crazy.  Prior to that, I had a cah-ray-zay week preparing for my great-grandma's 100th birthday party.  I had some stuff thrown on me last minute that required a whole lot more time than I think anyone even still realizes and I still needed to attempt to keep my house in order for company coming.  That was a sort of up and down week as I did catch myself falling into old behaviors of hyperfocusing and not eating.  However, I am proud to report that I caught on to that and forced myself to eat regularly and to devote time to self-care and exercise before it got too out of hand.  I was a bit disappointed in how far it went but I reminded myself that this is a journey and I am still progressing toward perfection, toward making my stumbling blocks my strengths.  Having my accountability group most definitely kept me from falling down into that spiral of starving/binging or stress eating because I had somewhere I needed to report to each night and real people to whom I was committed to being accountable to.

So that was a couple of weeks ago.  I took a day at the beginning of last week to recover from it all and then I set to having summer with my children.  I found myself actively engaging in their lives and being present in the moments.  In summers past we would have an outing once a week and that would generally be my limit for all the effort it took or because I just didn't want to be in public.  I don't know if it is that they are older or if it is the change in me, or if it was just a fluke week.... But we literally went somewhere every single day and it was my idea. We had a grand time visiting the park, the library, a warehouse sale, going out to lunch, spending the afternoon at the waterpark, going to the farmer's market, shopping and more.  Every night was one of those nights where I felt 'done' but in a glorious way.  I had decided I was going to really give my efforts an extra push in my workouts and my eating.  I did it and it felt good to stick to that.  I'm sure eating all that healthy food helped my energy and moods also.  Still, I felt like I was different.

I do need to report something big.  Remember when I said I would make it up that hill on my bike by the end of the summer?  I did it!  On Saturday.  DH had said a few weeks earlier "I don't see why you can't get up it now. I bet you could if you really tried."  It was enough to get me thinking.  I didn't make it up the hills on the triathlon in one fell swoop.  Most of the ladies' took a breather here and there.  So who was to say I couldn't get to the top if I just took some time along the way to catch my breath?  So that's precisely what I did.  I'll have to blog about that separately just because it was it's own accomplishment and boy did I have Satan putting those thoughts in my head.  Nevertheless, I made it!

So, guess what that means?  It means I took the plunge and I registered for IronGirl. Oh man, I got such crazy jitters and nerves for it that I had to distract myself right away.  I'm scared and nervous and excited all at once.  The best part though was when I told DH what I had done.  His face lit up just the way that it did watching our children take their first steps.  I wish I'd had a camera ready to capture that look because I'm convinced it will get me through any difficulty in training or in completing the race come race day.  I can do hard things....but it is the support of others, including my Heavenly Father, that gives me that ability.  There was another reason to me signing up for IronGirl on Monday.  It was the day after Father's Day.  For me, that means it was the anniversary of D-Day (discovery of my husband's addiction & when I asked him to leave) in our household.  I've had a lot of projects lately that have required going back through old photos or our 'history' and I've realized how much of my personal spiral of weight and whatnot really was tied to that D-Day and the time since.  It has been 3 years since that day.  So much has happened in that time.  I felt like I wanted to mark the day differently and mark it as my own rebirth somehow now, because it was what I needed.  I thought about how I feel jealous of the commitment of new moms to immediately get their pre-baby bodies back.  How 'if only' I'd done this sooner I wouldn't have been like this for so long.  How I've had it in me all along.  And yet, I know that I needed that time to get to this point.  Some people have big a-ha moments that solidify their testimonies.  For me, I have always received revelation and had my testimony built up line upon line and through small confirming signs that just sort of all add up for me.  I've always been that way.  When I prayed about whether marrying DH was the right thing for me to do, I didn't get some 'yes' answer.... I got several smaller answers that added up to a confirmed 'yes'.  It must be how I learn.  That is why I have to be easy on myself for allowing myself to be fat so long, for allowing myself to listen to others' voices instead of my own, for letting the negativity in, for feeling defeatist.  I can see now that I needed to take that journey deep into the dark abyss to get to the heart of it all, to be broken to the core, to feel myself being rebuilt to be stronger, only to then have the imperfect parts chipped away.  I know that it is a slow process and how quickly the last 3 years have passed when it seemed they never would helps me be more patient with myself.  It feels merciful.  I started multiple times in the last 3 years to lose the weight or to change my habits or to make myself better.  I am better in many ways.  However, the major change in my addictive behaviors requires a lot more effort and attention than I would have had the energy for in that time. I needed the life experiences to teach me things and show me my own strength and character along the way.  

Of course after making a major commitment and feeling like I'd reached a new and positive step in my journey, I would have to face a setback.  That's the way it goes right?  No sooner had I taken the photos below than I suddenly found myself stuck on my living room floor.  Turns out I pulled a muscle in my back, maybe two.  So this week has been far different from last.  My sweet children have been wonderful and largely cared for themselves.  My older children have been taking care of giving the youngest his breathing treatments since he has been sick.  They've brought me food in bed, get well cards, and not destroyed the house while I slept away the days.  Even just half a muscle relaxer completely knocks me out.  I finally got to do a little workout again today.  I wasn't sure if it would be okay or not but I could feel that pull.... that 'ease' of lying around....that little wagging finger of the dark side saying 'it's ok...just come hang out here for a while'.  So far, I'm still mobile (wasn't there for awhile).  It can be so depressing to have your body take such a far step backward but I'm confident that as the injury heals I will be able to give it my all again and the strength will quickly return.  That's how life is isn't it?

I'm pretty sure I was going to write more or I was going to go back and reread this to make sure it all flowed correctly.  At this point I'm just going to post it and be done with it.  I keep getting interrupted and I have children calling my name to make dinner.  So I suppose if it sounds a little strange I can just blame it on that, or on the pain pills that may still be in my system.  ;)  Hope you are all doing fabulously!  

on mothers day

I haven't felt much like writing these last few days, which means I've probably needed to more than ever.  I'm not perfect.  Not even close.  They've been up and down kind of days for the most part.  Today is Mother's Day and on the whole it has been a good day.  It is also my youngest's 5th birthday.  How the time has flown.  It has been good to have the day be about him as well because it takes my mind off missing my own mother or my own needs of feeling particularly valued and special.  People, do you know how much women need written words of praise and compliment to refer to?  Do men need the same thing?  I don't know.  But I don't know a woman who doesn't battle with comparing herself to others, measuring herself up- even against herself and her own ideals, issues of self-image and those put out by the media.  We need something to refer to when we are feeling bogged down.

Anyway, so it has been a good day.  I have to say that I have eaten very mindlessly because I told myself I just wasn't going to worry about today.  Know what?  I don't feel good.  It isn't a guilt thing at all.  It is that I don't make good food choices when I eat mindlessly and my body and brain suffer as a result.  I am sluggish and tired and just feel kind of 'bleh' even though it's been a good day.  So I find myself looking forward to tomorrow and starting a new week fresh, and eating lots of fresh and healthy foods.  I am kind of dreading weighing in in the morning after the day I've had, but what's done is done.

I had an incident on Friday that I want to record.  I was very angry with my husband and struggling with a lot of triggering feelings.  He did something that was reminiscent of some of his 'telltale' behaviors and that coupled with the general triggering of this weekend (due to some past Mother's Day experiences as well as the fact that just plain missing my mom is a trigger), I was feeling myself spiral.  I am happy to say that I did not binge, and in fact I ate all good foods....though it was hard.  I did find that I went a lot of the day without eating at all, which is also not a healthy reaction.  I was okay in the end though.  It was supposed to be my exercise 'rest day' so I had not worked out.  I think that made a difference as well.  By the end of the day I was just struggling so much that I decided I needed to simply get out and go for a ride.  I initially wanted to tackle 'the hill' because I felt angry enough that I determined I would make it to the top and that was certain to make me feel better.  However, the sun was setting and it turns out the road isn't exactly lit.  I determined that no matter how upset I was I still wanted to see my own children for Mother's Day, so I felt it best to play it safe.  First of all, just putting on my workout clothes made me feel empowered.  I was amazed at how differently I felt just making that step.  I don't know if it was how the clothes felt on me or if it was the fact that I was taking a step to regain control of a situation I felt I had none.  So I went for a bike ride, in the windy night, and rode until my head cleared.  I went a route I'd never taken before and I rode overpasses that have always made me nervous....not just for the size of their hills but also for the fact that I have a thing about bridges.  There is this thing about biking uphill that just feels so much like life.  You have to keep moving at even the slowest but most steady pace or you will lose your balance and stop.  You might feel like you are going so slow and making even no progress, but if you set your sight on a goal even just the slightest bit ahead you will see that you make it.  You do it little by slow little.  The long hills that you don't even recognize as being hills are the worst that way.  The bigger, but shorter, hill was much easier.  I was surprised at how very quickly I was able to power up it.  In the end I biked for about 11 miles and it really did feel good.  I was glad to have made a healthy, empowering, choice rather than a bad one.

My mom and I at our last Christmas together.  She passed away suddenly 7 months later.  Guess I do look kinda like her. :)

Happy Mothers Day to all you women out there.  I know from my time attending support groups that it can be a pretty difficult day for women whose spouses are addicts.  They are in relationships where their spouse has become desensitized to their intimate needs.  I mean on a very emotional level.  They do not feel loved and cared for in a deep way.  If they know of a husband's problem with pornography then today can serve as a reminder of his disrespect of women, and of their sacred and special relationship.  That can be very hard.  They do not feel they are the most important woman in their world.  Even if their children adore them and shower them with love, it is inadequate if it does not also come from the person to whom they choose to commit to living their life with.  For those who are no longer in the relationship, today can serve as a hard reminder of not having someone there to make the day special.  I want you to know I think of you today too.  You may be a mother but, particularly if you are a mother to younger children, you may not have someone there to lead in making the day any different than the rest and making you feel important.  You are important.  Women who are struggling to repair broken relationships and trust need extra love and attention on this day.  It needs to be a bigger deal than it might under normal circumstances.  It becomes an opportunity for the other person to show some forethought, to show that they think about them in times other than the last minute when the pressure is on, to show them that they matter and that they are important and that they are grateful to have them still in their life.  I don't mean to put undue pressure on a holiday.  I just say this because it has been not just my personal experience, but what I heard repeatedly from other women independently in recovery group settings.  We are often (or I hope we are) aware of the women who have a hard time with Mother's Day: those who are unwed, who struggle with infertility, who have lost their own mother's.  There is another, often very silent, group who struggles as well and I want you to know that I know you and I understand and it will get better.

biking.

I live right off Decatur in Las Vegas and it ends at the shooting range. At some point in time I got it in my head that I was going to bike to the very end of Decatur- the very top of the hill. No idea why. It taunts me whenever I see it. I gave it a go last year just to see where I could get. This guy (serious cyclist) passed me up and back like it was no big deal. Made me mad. :) I injured my hip the next day, possibly from overdoing it that day. Today was the first I gave that route a go again since then. I've put it off for fear of hurting my hip again and having to stop all exercise. 

So I rode with my kids to school today and while my son was at speech therapy I rode over to try. I ran out of time (and I wouldn't have gone much further anyway) but I did make it somewhat further than last time. To the entrance and through the roundabout before heading back. If you look real close you can see the end of the road and the furthest red building. I'm going to get up there by the end of summer. Mark my words. It was between 7 & 8 miles that I did today. I prefer to do 8 or more when I bike. But what you can't really see in the pic is there is a serious dip & thus extra hill in there that I stuck with. I have a love/hate relationship with biking hills. In order to protect your heart muscle (and my asthmatic lungs) you have to be in a looser gear and be pedaling more. It feels so much like you are pedaling so fast and not going anywhere because there are so many rotations to make movement. When I did my tri the bike went up to the Kennecott Copper mines in the SLC valley. I stopped frequently for little breaks and was amazed how quickly I could recover after even just 30 seconds. Going up that forever hill felt like such an analogy of life- slow and steady is the only way to make it and it so often seems you're making no progress at all until you stop to turn around and see how far you've really come and the mountain you've climbed.

biking on the beach.

It has always been a bit of a dream of mine to ride my bike along the beach. It took a lot of work to make it happen, but DH could tell how much it meant to me to take our bikes to the beach. If we're going to be there a week we should have a bike right?

It was a gorgeous morning today and I got to go for a ride on my own while the rest of the family played at the beach. I would have gone further but I started feeling guilty knowing that DH was also excited to go boogie boarding but waiting for me to get back and watch the kids. I rode from the border of La Jolla & Pacific Beach down to Mission Beach- just under 7 miles. It was fabulous!