abiding

I've been working on writing out and owning my story.  Not just the events of my life and things that have happened to me, but how I have felt about those things.  Realize that I had to turn off the faucet of emotions for a lot of my life simply to cope with some of the traumatic events and stress that I felt.  I didn't know better.  That was just the only way to deal.  Now I am experiencing those events in a new way.

There have been some unintended side effects.

Recently I had a dream that brought to mind a particular point in my life that I was struggling to face and move through.  Deeply personal.  It involved another person and we are at a completely different point in our relationship now so it felt wrong to disturb that.  However, it became clear that owning my story needed to included owning all the parts of it, all the feelings with it, and how I feel about it still.  So I approached the loved one about it.  I don't know if I was expecting validation or pleas of forgiveness or just an acknowledgment that I wasn't crazy.  I don't know.  What I know is that when they told me they didn't remember or that they didn't see it the same way, my heart sunk.  It was like being that child all over again,  being told that I was over-dramatizing something serious that had happened.  I began to question and hear that voice again.  I have struggled with just not feeling right since.  I feel sad.  Evidently I was looking for something in that conversation that I did not get.  When someone hurts you and doesn't acknowledge that hurt, or admit to the depth of it, it can be terribly disrupting.  You can question whether what happened really happened.  You might tell yourself it wasn't really a big deal after all, even when it probably was.  I found myself seeking out the name of the first offender in my life and looking for some validation that they had some sort of criminal record or something after what they did to me.  I believe I was looking for some validation that I wasn't crazy.

What do you do when you've been abused and mistreated by people over the years whom you will never get the acknowledgment and validation from on their end?  What do you do when that involves loved ones still in your life?  What about when it involves people long since out of your life?  I suppose you own your story.  You choose to love yourself enough to say this happened even if there is no other side of the story to back you up and even if the other person, the person who hurt you, doesn't seem to think they did something so bad.  When you forgive them anyway, you tell yourself that it really did happen and they really did need that forgiveness even if they didn't ask for it.  You are true to yourself in that way.

Still, I've been sad.

angel

Earlier today I sat on a bench in sheer exhaustion. Having begun to feel better, I made the mistake of moving about at a normal stride & even being quick about an errand to the store. Then, on top of that, I never got to bed at all last night.

I found myself back to where I was a week ago. Everything is a chore. Breathing incredibly painful. My heart feeling like it is out of control and going to jump out of my chest. Plus, I was incredibly tired and debating whether or not I should even attempt to drive myself home.

So I sat on the bench, trying to simply breathe without pain, trying to decide what to do, and feeling a little bit discouraged but mostly too tired to even feel anything. I must have looked pretty sad because a nice woman came up to me and told me she wanted me to have this 'pocket angel.' Isn't it beautiful? When I am weary I often long for my mother. I hadn't realized how that weighed on me until that moment as I sat there rubbing the smooth glass of the pocket angel in my hand. It reminded me of my mom's service as a TIP (Trauma Intervention Program) volunteer and the angel pins that she would give to those she served on her calls. It reminded me of visiting with my former art teacher Lisa Hinricksen just after my mom died and the little smooth pebble she gave me to keep with me and rub in my pocket to feel calm or feel her near...it is in my jewelry box right now next to my mother's rings. That also reminded me of another angel who helped me in that time of my life, my former English teacher Kellie M. Guild, who was able to ease my burden just a little bit by sharing her pain of losing a mother at a young age and who pointed me in the direction of a book that would end up providing me much comfort. She was also the reason I was in the place I was at the time I was today.

I have been blessed with so many angels in my life...in different ways and at different points in time. Today an angel blessed me with a little gift that I didn't even realize I needed. Thank you.

thankful for you

I'm so grateful for the amazing and inspirational people I find myself surrounded by. I'm so awed by you and so blessed to know you. My life is richer for being full of people who have overcome tremendous hardship, who bless others while coping with their own heartaches, who chase after their dreams and live incredible lives with humility, who face fears and stand courageous, who actively work to LIVE rather than just exist, who strive to make a difference in their world. I hope that it all rubs off on me and I can one day be one of you. I did a very hard thing not terribly long ago and lost what I thought was my entire circle of friends. Instead, I have found a whole new world of amazing people opened up to me and I truly do feel so blessed and amazed to be surrounded by such awesomeness.

dust yourself off

helping

AMEN. I have been criticized at times for my openness or honesty about trials in our life, saying that I was seeking attention or something else. THIS is why I believe in being honest about your life. This is the blessing I have experienced, and for which I am so grateful.  

http://www.mynameisjacy.com/2013/10/how-can-you-help-others.html

dangit

Well it turns out that asthma attack in the water was no joke.  The dr says I am pretty much not moving any air. Looks like it's a steroid injection, steroid pills, antibiotics, and rest for the next few days. I didn't know before that wheezing is actually a good thing when you have asthma because it means you are moving air. I almost didn't go in because I wasn't wheezy.  
This was my lunch.... Because washing dishes to have a clean cup for my Shakeology sounded like way more work than I can muster...because eating is a lot of work....because I was out picking up my steroid meds anyway....because apparently lack of oxygen will do all that to you. Everything is a chore right now, even thinking. I'm grateful I have a book to curl up with, a husband who I know will be happy to take care of me, and that the dr was able to squeeze me in so hopefully my lungs can recover a little faster.

another's story of healing

This is a family I know and love.  I babysat this kid when he was little.  His mom was in my mom's book club (now the book club I go to) and they are family of one of our oldest and dearest friends as well.  Interestingly enough, I also know one of his attackers as he was in my ward previously and his mother was also a friend of my mom's.  I'm so proud of this kid.  Really.
http://m.reviewjournal.com/life/victim-2003-attack-finding-way-heal


And, in other news, I recently purchased a tri suit, tendon wrap, and gels.  Feeling like a rather legit triathlete.

service

after the fire

One of my kids stayed home sick from school today so we decided last minute to go for a drive to the cabin. So gorgeous. My heart was filled with gratitude to see the beauty after the fire... To see the desert being replenished and to see a place we love safe. I couldn't help but think about how it is with us when we are 'burned' and put through trials, but made ever more beautiful by the Lord as He nourishes us and strengthens us and makes us whole again. Seriously, Mt Charleston has never looked more beautiful.

All images Copyright Hobbyholica

change hurts

All kinds of change are hard and often painful to some extent. Physical changes may make our bodies hurt from time to time. Mental and emotional changes may leave us feeling battered and worn down. You may feel from time to time that you are physically being stretched. Think of that as you being a rubberband. As you are stretched, your value is increased. Growing pains hurt. Being chipped away at and molded hurts. You can try to run from the pain but the fact is that LIFE is sometimes painful. So instead, choose to embrace that. Embrace the pain as sign of growth and change. Welcome it with open arms and watch your experience with it change.

In defense of my former self

Dear Self;

You lived a life that many didn't see.  One that even you didn't fully come to terms with and allow yourself to see until you were almost 30.  It's time to let it all out and see that it is okay.  Everyone has baggage.  Everyone has skeletons in the closet.  Some have more than others.  That's okay.  It doesn't mean you were bad or deserved any less.  It doesn't meant that you had to learn lessons the hard way or that you were a tool being used by God to learn a lesson you could share with others.  You suffered the consequences of other's agency for many years and didn't realize that's all it was.  You took it out on God, not fully trusting Him, because you thought He was using you.  You were happy to submit to Him.  At least He loved you.  You wanted to do good and be good and so you willingly became His martyr, His victim, His tool to help others because you knew that you would share and be empathetic...because that's who you are.  This was the only reality you knew.  This was how you understood things and thus how you lived your life for decades.  You know what? It's okay.

You were molested.  More than once.  By different people.  They told you that 'you asked for it' and 'deserved it.'

You were forced to watch explicit pornography as a kindergartner by your friend's dad.  The same friend who you used to have sleepovers with and where you developed a nervousness for sleeping with the door closed and waiting for someone to come in.  The same one you would hide in the berry bush with.


You grieved the sudden loss of your grandma that you adored when you were in 6th grade.
You didn't understand how to process the pain.  You didn't want to be sad because you didn't want to make your mom sad and have her hurt more.
Two years later you grieved the sudden loss of a boy you had a crush on that lived near you and rode the bus with you.  You were confused why you hurt so much again.  You were tired of feeling like an inconvenience to those who were supposed to love you unconditionally and tired of feeling like something to be used by everyone else.  You took more pills than you were supposed to of a drug that you reacted badly to in a half-hearted attempt to end your life so you could be with your grandma in a happy place again.  Your friend, bless her heart, told on you and dragged you to the school psychologist...who told on you to your mom....who thankfully wasn't mad or even overly sad.
Two years later you grieved the loss of another schoolmate in an accident you saw from your house.

Two years later, you buried your mom a month after graduating high school.
You wondered what lesson it was that you were missing that you kept losing all these people in your life.

You were nearly raped.  You still aren't sure how you got out of that, only that you remember the boy's friend watching and laughing and the boy saying "this is what you came here for anyway isn't it?" and you thought it was punishment for lying to your parents about where you were going.  You thought maybe this was just how boys showed they like you and maybe you should just learn to like it.  Except that other boy standing there laughing was a big red flag and you somehow came to your senses and got out.

You spent many years having dreams that haunted you and made you feel dirty and guilty.  They were out of your control but they controlled how you felt. It wasn't until your late teens that you recognized it was a replaying of those scenes you saw as a kindergartner.  It wasn't until your late 20s that you understood it wasn't your fault.

After your mom died, you had night terrors where you dreamed you or some other family member killed her.  Your brother accused you of causing her brain aneurysm because the day before you had pulled her over in a low-lying lawnchair as part of a family joke and she hit her head.  You wondered if he was right.  You wondered if other people thought the same.  Even after 2 neurologists told you it was a ticking time bomb and your actions wouldn't have set it off any sooner.  You wondered if she 'left' because you told her in the hospital that day (not that you even know if she could hear you) that you understood she missed her mom and you would take care of things on this end so she could go and that you'd understand and it would be okay. Would she have stayed if you had been more willing to fight?

Your dad didn't talk to you for years because he was upset that you said he didn't love you in an upset middle-schooler fight.  He thought you owed him an apology for your disrespect.  You thought he was just confirming your accusations and should try to make you feel loved.  You were a middle-schooler after all.

The boys in 5th grade made fun of you during the pledge of allegiance, saying you were grabbing yourself because you were already developing.

The boys in 8th grade cat-called you if you ever wore a skirt or low-cut shirt.  It made you feel important.

The boys in high school apparently said you were an amazing kisser and talked about you.  So you found out later from a friend who had kissed you, and then told you that was why.

You caught your 2 best friends in high school trying on your (size 9) pants and dancing around laughing at your 'clown pants'.

You overheard your parents fighting about you being in summer school PE, which you thought was just so you would be able to take art class during the school year instead, and there being ice cream in the house.  You heard your dad liken you to a whale and say that the ice cream shouldn't be around.
In your anger and hurt, you called a friend and decided to try pot to see what all the fuss was about and to really piss him off like he had hurt you.  It was a one-day, one-experience kind of thing but the effect was that he again no longer spoke to you except during choir practice- because he was the choir director and you were the pianist....even though that was the only time he went to church, or at least anything more than the occasional Sacrament meeting.

In high school, you got a concussion so bad that you couldn't remember how to do simple math and couldn't read a page in a book without falling asleep.

You saw your best friend get attacked by a dog right next to you when you were 4 years old.  You felt bad that it was her and not you because you didn't want her to hurt like that.


People told you that you shouldn't be sad.  People told you that you were being a victim and should stop.  People told you that it was all your fault.  You didn't even know you were sad. You didn't even recognize the pattern of victimization.  You thought it was your fault.

It wasn't true.

Self, you were victimized.  You were used by others and not by God.  You had hard things in your life.  More than many can understand in such a short time.  It doesn't mean you were deserving of those things.  It doesn't make you special.  It means you were strong.  You survived.  You, and God, have turned these things for your good.

These things do not define you, and yet they are you.  Being a new and better person doesn't mean that you were a bad person before.  It doesn't invalidate or lessen the worth of your self at any given stage in your life.  You are simply at a different point in your life now.  You are here because of what you've been through but you might have been here even without them.  You might not be here without them.  You could be in a different place, a much worse place, because of all this.  You needn't feel bad.  You are strong.  You are a survivor.  You have hurt and you have tried to take care of yourself and you have tried to protect yourself...all the best you could and the best you knew how with what you had at the time.  You really did try your best with what you had and what you understood and where you were in your life.

I know, because I am you.
And it's okay.

Don't worry about what other's judgments have been or what they may be.  Don't worry about those who've been unkind.  Don't wish these things on them either.  Don't think you willingly took these things upon yourself so that you would learn or so that you would get others to feel sorry for you in an attempt to feel loved.  No, that's not the way.  You've let it go and given it over.  You are a new person but loving yourself now doesn't mean not loving yourself then.  There is someone who gets that, and in the end He is all that matters.

Love,
Me.

a little history lesson

I've been contacted recently by a few people who have wanted some more background on my relationship with my husband and the struggles we have gone through.  There is some of it on this blog in further years back, but I realize not everyone reads older posts and even still there are a lot of holes there because I wasn't writing regularly at the time.

Although this happened a few years ago and although some of you may know some who are involved, I am sharing it out of a greater concern for those who I know need to hear this.  Those who know my husband and his family, I trust to respect the privacy of those involved and to withhold judgement.  This is the story of 'the situation' (as referenced in earlier posts) as I have told it to some recently.  This was a major turning point and I feel that all of us involved have improved and found blessings since:

The Situation
AKA When I got my impression that divorce was okay

First, you have to know the background....The nature of living in Las Vegas and being in the air conditioning industry means sometimes early mornings and late hours, especially during the summertime. So sometimes he'd tell me he was going to be home late or sometimes he'd go in early to unload a truck or get some things done before things got crazy once they opened.

Well, it turns out that's where he was 'using'. My husband is different than most in that his primary porn source is actually literature. That's a whole lot harder to block with a filter. It's also a lot easier to disguise at work. It isn't that the pictures don't do it for him or that he never looks at them...but it is something about the living vicariously through the stories....

So at the warehouse my kids sometimes run around and dad gives them rides on the forklift and that sort of thing. I don't recall how far into the whole recovery thing we were when I was walking around the warehouse while my boys played and came upon a sort of desk area that the warehouse workers (2 guys that he is over) had set up. There was a desk covered in pictures. Not the worst I've seen but the kind you'd find in GQ or Maxim.

To say I was livid would be an understatement. Here he was telling me he was doing so good, going to recovery meetings, trying his best....and there is THIS at work? And I'm supposed to believe him?! How is he EVER supposed to be ok while that is there? Why is he, or his dad or ANY of the other LDS guys he works with okay with letting that be there? How do they expect the business to be successful (economy hasn't been so great here) and have the blessing of Heavenly Father while they allow THAT? How did he expect to build any kind of trust?

And my son, who was turning 8 in a few months, had seen it all. So I was doubly livid.

Pretty sure I kicked him out again at that point. I could go ask him but he'd probably say "I try to block all that out of my mind."

This caused me major trouble. On the one hand I felt like he was doing well and he was choosing to go to meetings, saying how they help, doing steps and making personal changes I could see. On the other it felt like asking an alcoholic to work in a bar.

I felt like every day was this battle with Satan in my head. Like a full blown exhausting war was being waged within me and I hated it.

So he promised me that this desk will be gone. For weeks and months he tells me he has bugged this person or that person about needing to get rid of it. One person or another claims that they will but then they don't do anything. At that point he's still dealing with being major shame-based so he is having a hard time with how to say what but I say 'too bad, you better figure it out.' How was I supposed to believe that he was even saying anything to anyone anyway?

I kept trying to put my foot down, and being a situation involving others I didn't know at what point to draw what line. I had already drawn a boundary that no early or late hours or after hours weekend calls would be allowed and I was immensely grateful for the support received on that and lack of any fighting back about it.  The company was moving their warehouse and he assured me that he was assured by the guys that the desk would not be making the move. So I opted to wait and see. He told me after the move that he was so mad at them because there it was and he was upset that he wasn't respected (which has been his issue at work and part of his background with his addiction) and nobody would take him seriously etc. I didn't know whether to believe and trust that he was genuinely as upset by this as I, or if he was trying to cover his tracks because he knew I'd look for it as soon as I visited him at work.

I continued to let it go for a little while after it but it was a serious thorn in my side and I needed it out. After praying I finally I needed to take matters into my own hands. I might not have any right to do anything at his place of employment, but I do have the right to say something to his boss if his boss is his father and I wasn't okay with letting that stay there. So I wrote a letter to both of his parents. I explained to them what he had told me of his version of the story, and my feelings about it. I told them how he needed to feel that he was supported by his family and that this was a way that could be done. Then I told them my feelings- that I was prepared to give him an ultimatum: me, the job, or the desk - and that I hoped that as his parents they would not want him to be in that position and that I did not want to have to find out the answer.

His dad got rid of the desk and my husband was FURIOUS with me. Seriously, I have seen him mad at other people but I have never seen him mad at me like that- before or since. He felt I went behind his back and was completely out of line. I refused to apologize. He quit talking to me. Of course this only fanned flames of doubt in my mind. If he was really making good choices then why would he react in such a way?That was when I went to the temple out of desperation because I was so confused about how to act, react, interpret...everything. I got a very distinct impression that I had 'done my part' finally- made every sacrifice possible to show my personal humility and willingness to put things in the Lord's hands and stood up for what was right...and that if I did not see changes in DH it would be okay to get a divorce because the Lord said I had made every effort on my end.

I was shocked, scared, and relieved to get that impression. And it sent me into a tailspin where I gained 10 lbs in less than a month but that's a different story.

What's interesting though is that the very next week we went to the counselor together. I told him about the feeling I got at the temple. He finally talked about how my actions with the letter made him feel. We still didn't come to an agreement but it was as though my eyes were suddenly opened and I could see the broken man that he was who was just trying to do his best. It wasn't good enough in my book but it was all he had at that point in time. And that is why we are not divorced. I needed to be willing to completely give it all over (in my tailspin I had to finally reach the point where I accepted and acknowledged that inspiration and felt truly willing to take that next step even with all the fears and uncertainty- and judgement from others- that would come with it) I think now that I needed the Lord's validation of my feelings and path in the prompting I got at the temple. Feeling that validation scared me to death (like I was afraid of my own power or control of the situation) but led me to self-examination that led me to humility that allowed my eyes to be more fully opened.

^THAT actually was the point at which I realized *I* had a problem. It makes me sad that it wasn't enough for me to change then but I accept now that it was and is a process. There have been bumps along the road for me personally since that time and I needed those experiences to teach me to help shape me to who I am now.

Something interesting that I learned is that we sometimes 'pad' ourselves. Quite frequently those who have eating disorders (on both ends of the spectrum) are unconsciously (or even consciously) trying to make themselves 'disappear'. The anorexic wants to become so small that she isn't noticed so nobody thinks to hurt her. The overweight wants to become undesirable so that nobody hurts or uses her anymore. I would add that the married to a porn addict or struggling with a marriage wants to make herself undesirable to her husband so that she doesn't have to deal with his advances while trying to detach or while trying to figure things out. OR she wants to 'feel stuck' as though no one else would want her because she feels like damaged goods or feels afraid of her own empowerment. Those are all feelings that I have felt.

2012.

We began 2012 with a notice on our door.

You see, we loved our house and our ward and our incredible neighbors.  We had prayed about being in this home and felt strongly it was where we would and should raise our children. We went through many obstacles and struggles in an attempt to keep it our home after some unexpected financial situations arose.  We were able to get a loan modification that helped us greatly.  We felt grateful and blessed.  However, when the final papers came in that would make it all legal and official, the payment amounts were hundreds of dollars more than what we’d been paying and what we’d been told would be our new ‘official’ payment.  As we struggled with what to do we took a hard look at our desire to live honestly in all our dealings.  We admitted to ourselves, and our bank, that we could no longer afford to live in our home that we so loved.  So we stopped the payments and we put it up for sale, hoping to find a buyer who would rent it back to us, allowing us to stay there as we dreamed.  We found a buyer and rejoiced.  We were saved!  Our prayers were answered! The notice came anyway.  The bank would not consider our short sale and an auction date had been set.  We were heartbroken.  Isn’t this where the Lord had told us we should raise our family?  We maintained we would keep a positive attitude.  After all, we’d had a rough couple of years as a family and were anxious to have a fresh start.  We’d already made some positive changes in our home, maybe a physical change was the next step in starting over?  That didn't change the ache of leaving our neighbors of 4 years, our children’s best friends, or the daunting feeling of moving right after Christmas.

So two weeks later another notice arrived.  I won’t ever forget that day.  It was just after K’s birthday- he had his annual well-check that day.  I saw the notice as I left that morning.  The house had been sold at auction.  We were to call the number listed to find out what to do.  This was really happening.  I was told by realtor friends that we would have 30 days to move out.  That would give us time to find a new place (we were already looking on the sly, trying not to clue the children in until we knew what was going on) and to pack up.  So DH called the number listed while I took both of the Ks to K’s appointment.  After the appointment I went to drive by some homes that a friend had told me about for rent.  I spoke with DH in between- we had two weeks to be out of our house.  He’d tried to bargain with them but it was to no avail.  Even with young children at home.  Two weeks to find a place to live, pack up, and be moved out!  So I’m on my way to look at this house for rent when I get rear-ended.  Talk about a crappy day.  The Ks are completely freaked out, but thankfully fine.  I’m grateful it wasn’t my fault.  As I’m walking around my suburban, that was hit by a giant truck so now I’m can’t open my back doors at all, I realize I’m super nauseous and dizzy.  As someone who’s already had 4 concussions, I know what that means.  Not to mention the whiplash.  Super.  Just what I need.  So now I have 2 weeks to pack and move into a house that I have yet to find, with a busted vehicle, concussion, and bad back.  I seriously couldn’t get out of bed the next day.  I truly had to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Otherwise I was afraid I wouldn’t stop crying.  Well, I felt very strongly that we needed to go ahead with touring the home we’d planned to that night even though I’d only gotten out of the ER an hour or so before.  At this point we finally had to tell the kids what was going on.  I was up front and honest with the homeowners about what was going on with our current home, and about the accident I’d just been in since moving around was a bit difficult.  We had looked at some 20+ homes already.  When we walked into that house that night, we knew.  That is how we ended up in the house we are now renting.  My heart was full as friends and family helped pack and move us.  I cried about not having best friends next door.  People who had truly been angels and saviors in our lives.  I cried to withdraw my students from a great school.  I cried to leave the ward that I had grown up in as a youth myself.  I cried to leave our bishop, who had become our counselor, friend, confidant- and who was a major part of saving our marriage.  I was anxious for a fresh, new, start.  I was also terrified.

Then we went to church that first Sunday in our new ward and I knew all would be well.  I was greeted by many who made me feel right at home.  The landlords had told us that it was a great, friendly ward with a lot of kids the same age as ours- that was a big draw.  What they couldn’t have known was that there were friends of my mom’s from each home I’d lived in who were in this ward.

The school situation was an adjustment.   No surprise, P slid right in and made a new friend right away.  She did have some trouble with bullying by some girls who kicked her out of their group when she stood up to them for intentionally messing up the chalk drawings done by other students.  I was sad for her to learn that lesson but so very proud of her for standing up for what was right.  Little did I know what a lesson she was teaching me at that time.  She didn’t let it get to her too much and in no time had made more friends and felt right at home.  W had a harder time.  His new teacher was a very difficult one and not a good fit for him.  We had been incredibly blessed with his last one and I would have driven him there daily if only they had allowed me.  I did try but they wouldn’t consider it because of overcrowding.  He was having frequent migraines and his reading level was dropping.  I fought my way all the way to our assistant superintendent but to no avail.  I kept W involved because I wanted him to know I was concerned for him and would do all I could to help him, but that I also needed him to do his best in class as well.  After speaking with his pediatrician and with a good friend who lobbies for the school district, we decided that pulling him out of school for the remainder of the year would be better than his staying in with frequent stress and migraines.  I told him this and that I would be willing to homeschool him.  It was a hard decision on all our parts but I feel like he just needed to see that I was willing to do that for him.  His confidence seemed to improve after that and he made some friends in his new scout group.  He figured out his teacher a little better and how to not take her so personally, and he decided to go ahead and stick out the year in school.  I finally got them to listen to me about his abilities (and the fact that he was not reading at a first grade level like his teacher was trying to tell me, but rather a fifth grade one) and he was able to test for GATE and get started right away.  All these things helped him remember what a great student he was and he finished out the year beautifully.  K2 had to switch his speech therapy teachers as well but we could immediately tell what a blessing that would be as his new teacher has been fantastic for him and he made immediate strides.

As a family, we all felt overwhelmed by the love and welcoming arms of our new ward family.  Treats arrived welcoming us.  Parents quickly helped figure out what kids were the same age so friends could be made.  There is a park next door to our school, which we can easily walk to and from each day, and we soon found ourselves right at home with the others as we stayed after school to play and visit awhile.  What a blessing!

It’s funny how you can feel so blessed and yet have such a hard time all the same.  It was a few months after our move that I started really missing people.  I hadn’t seem my family for a while so I missed them.  I’d tried to arrange for us to get together over an overlapping spring break weekend halfway between our homes, but they cancelled.  I still talked to and occasionally saw my former neighbor, but it just wasn’t the same as having her right next door where we’d chat outside nearly every day.  K2 had had MRSA so we had either been stuck at home for a couple of weeks or at dr appt after appt trying to get the poor sore cleaned out without doing actual surgery.  I’d gotten out of the house finally for a book club craft night, only to find myself feeling incredibly uncomfortable with conversation going on.  Not wanting to make a scene but also desperately wanting now to be home, I quietly left.  I felt worn down, and so alone.  I remember how alone I felt but I also remember how much I felt my Savior there beside me, supporting me, and praising me….and how close I felt to my husband as I knew that we were going through hard things but doing so together and as very best friends who had been greatly strengthened and brought nearer to each other and to our Savior together.  I had been serving as a women’s support group facilitator for a group with the church’s addiction recovery program.  It had been a tremendous blessing and life support for me….but I had to stop going at this same time and turn the role over to another because of a new calling I had received in the ward.  I felt so blessed to see the journey I (we) had made over the last year or two and where we were now.  I felt so blessed to have this fresh start before us but it overwhelmed me all the same.  It was an adjustment.  It was a change.  Change can be, and often is, good.  Change is also hard.

When we looked forward to our move with a hope of fresh starts, we had no idea what we were really getting in to.  After my feelings of exhaustion and loneliness, I made a bit of a vent on facebook.  It was nothing more than a vent but some took it to heart and found offense where none was intended.  Before I knew it, I found one of my very best friends from my youth sending me hurtful and painful emails detailing everything wrong with me, and taking a stab at literally every aspect of my life.  I had made the hard decision to say something about something that was bothering me.  I thought I had clarified it in a way that would make it clear that I meant no personal attack, but merely a stating of a decision I had made and a desire for everyone to be better- figuring we could all agree on that even if we respectfully held different opinions on other things.  I have always figured friends could agree to disagree and still respect and love one another.  However, I could no longer ignore that voice in my head constantly saying “Dare to stand alone” or “stand in holy places“.  I found myself being reminded of my sweet daughter who said to her new friends, “I don’t think that’s a good idea” and holding her head high after they said she couldn’t be in their club any more.  I thought of the primary children I had just been called to teach about choosing the right.  I thought of the pain I had endured and the questions I had faced, soul searching I had done, as my marriage hung on a thread while Satan had ever so slyly weaseled his way into our home.  I didn’t want that for any of my friends, and I certainly didn’t want that again for myself or my family.  So it was that I said what I would and would not allow in my home or in my life.  So it was that I suddenly found myself in one of the hardest situations of my life.  So it was that I lost my entire social circle in seemingly one fell swoop.  I never thought I would have to be in that sort of a situation as an adult.  I certainly never thought that it would go the way that it would.  We so often think that we will be blessed right away for “standing for truth and righteousness” and for choosing the better part.  Losing my best friend, losing my book club, losing my girls’ night outs….certainly didn’t feel like a blessing.  I was sad and angry and hurt for a long time.  At some point I realized that I was grieving like the loss of a loved one who has left this life.  I prayed for help and direction and for the negative feelings to be taken away.  I didn’t want it to be as hard as it was.  I didn’t understand why it was as hard as it was when I had done something right.  As I prayed, the only response I would get would be an overwhelming assurance that I did the right thing and that it would be ok.  Satan is tricky though and that feeling wouldn’t stay for long.  I don’t recall how long it was but eventually the feelings faded and I found my courage, and myself, again.

It started when my visiting teacher showed up on my doorstep.  She had come to bring me a treat and to apologize for not being a ‘better visiting teacher’ because she hadn’t really come yet to visit and bring a message.  I don’t know what came over me but I was feeling especially honest and had just been praying about how I’d felt about this lost friendship.  I suddenly just spilled my guts to this poor visiting teacher.  I just told her what I needed.  I shared with her what had just happened with my social life and that I didn’t really need someone to come by and bring me a spiritual message out of a sense of duty.  I said, quite frankly, I just need a friend.  You know what?  She was an answer to my prayers that night.  She then told me about a playgroup and a book club and just sort of about the social life of the women in the ward.  She made an effort to make sure I knew about those things I could be involved in and she did it out of love.  What a blessing!  So I found myself back in a book club (I’ve still been in my mom’s old book club, which is a total blast, but scheduling has made it hard to attend often this past year), and back to hanging out at the park with moms while the kids played and just plain feeling right at home again.  I knew that was my Heavenly Father’s little way of letting me know that He hadn’t forgotten me and hadn’t left me in just the company of my husband and family (which are fantastic, don’t get me wrong).

That was the spring/summer.  I had many other instances over the summer where I found myself overwhelmed by love and support from sources other than those I would have expected it from.  I found them as blessings after having again to stand up for myself or my family when it was hard.  I have been open and honest with my children as we have gone through various situations and I am amazed at their maturity and ability to empathize.  We have grown even closer as a family.  We are so blessed!

Now as the year has drawn to a close, I have reflected much on where the year has taken us.  I have absolutely loved my calling at church, one I was really hesitant about at first, and I have made great friendships as a result of it.  I get to work with some of the best people and I have the example and strength of the children to lift me up.  I am deeply in love with and proud of my husband.  And I mean that.  I have seen the work of the Atonement through him and I have seen how our natures really can be changed by applying it and by hard work on our part. That is my hope for myself in 2013.  W has been blessed with the most amazing teacher for him and has just completely blossomed.  I’ve even been impressed and surprised.  I never thought he would come out of his shell as much as he has- especially with the parents he has!   P has made some really great friends, without having to sacrifice any of who she is.  Our new home has a separate room in the garage that has become DH’s woodshop.  He has ‘found’ himself there and uncovered a talent and hobby that took off largely because of some people in our new ward.  I am convinced that he would not be where he is today were it not for that little room of his and the support and encouragement of people who like his stuff.

If you’ve made it this far, I’m pretty impressed.  I’m almost done, I promise.  

I just have to share what happened a few weeks ago.

Some time between my birthday and the middle of December I started feeling sad again.  I wasn’t really sure why.  Was it that I was missing my mom?  I always do this time of year, but that wasn’t quite it.  Was something ‘off’ at home?  No, not really.  I was feeling quite content in my life of crafting and mothering and I wasn’t having any of those ‘I’ve got to get out for a girls’ night!’ feelings.  No, I really had nothing to feel particularly bleh about.  I talked with DH and then a couple of things occurred to me.  I’d been struggling with again allowing those negative thoughts of hurt and sadness about what happened earlier in the year.  Thoughts of this friend kept coming to mind.  Not that I was wishing anything bad on her or anything like that.  Nothing of the sort in fact.  Just general thoughts that then brought back that sadness and sort of those grief feelings I guess.  Then DH reminded me how much we would often do together this time of year.  Isn’t it funny how once you pinpoint the source of a negative feeling you can feel such a burden lifted?  Well, that’s how I felt so I knew that was it.  On top of that, there was the usual stress of finances around the holidays.  I had been applying for jobs here and there for months.  I wanted badly to pay off all our debts as a surprise gift to DH for Christmas.  This was a sincere desire of my heart, to be debt free and to contribute to some extra for the kids to actually participate in extracurricular activities and just to have some extra money.  I knew that I would be blessed with this because it was the sincere desire of my heart but I also knew that I desperately wanted to be home with my children and have truly been loving my role at home.  So I’ve been so torn about this.

Anyway, I’ll be honest with you….I’m not particularly good at consistent prayer.  Never have been.  I can testify to you up and down about the power of prayer and I have had some very powerful experiences with it.  But for whatever reason, I just suck at consistent personal prayer.  So once again I was on the bandwagon and feeling very grateful and humble.  I hopped back on the wagon for no reasons other than the fact that I knew this was something I needed in my life. I was seeing a difference in my life with daily personal prayer and my life without it.  I knew I needed it.  I am sure that many can relate with the financial struggles of our day. I looked at the math and, I don’t know about you but, we are truly getting poorer year by year.  Utility costs and grocery costs rise while our income stays the same.  That simply doesn’t add up.  I continue to cut corners wherever possible and I know I don’t always make the best of choices or I know some would say to give up date night (which is a whole different argument) or other things we enjoy.  Anyway, I will spare you all the philosophical thoughts on all this and get to this….

Remember that car accident that was a part of starting the year?  It totaled our car.  On the advice of people whose opinions we greatly trusted, I got a lawyer to handle all the insurance stuff.  I have prayed all year long for that case to just be done and over with so that I would know where we stood financially.  I’ve never been through this sort of thing before.  I have prayed all year for extra ways to earn extra money to make ends meet or for a little extra something.  A few weeks ago, as I was considering my reasons for feeling ‘off’ personally, I thought about Christmas and how I’d hoped to have the case settled by then to make Christmas extra special.  I thought about wanting to get things for the kids and make it the best Christmas ever because I was so proud of how they’d handled the year.  But I knew we weren’t in a position financially to do a whole lot.  So I was a little sad about that, but still very grateful, and I told my Heavenly Father that.

What happened in the next week was overwhelming.  We were invited to participate in a craft show.  I set a goal in my head of what we needed to earn from it to fully pay for everything I wanted to get for Christmas.  I had already been selling and buying things through a fb garage sale group and largely had it done but wanted a couple bigger things and something extra special for DH.  I knew that I wasn’t going to get anything because DH would be too stressed about money to spend any on me- and that was okay.  But I wanted to show my appreciation and gratitude to him and my kids.  I wanted them to feel as blessed as I did.  So this craft show…. We worked tirelessly and were blown away at the response.  What a great thing to work so hard and reap the benefits!  We felt so very blessed!  In that same week I finally got a call from a lawyer that there was an offer on the table from the insurance company in my case.  It would be enough to pay off our debt, or at least close to it.  It wouldn’t be in time for Christmas (in fact, I’m told it’s probably still a month or two out) but just knowing there was that light ahead… To top it all off, a friend contacted me out of the blue to tell me he wanted to give me a gift.  He is a photographer whom I have long admired.  I still don’t know or understand his reasoning for approaching me with such a wonderful gift, but he told me to choose an image of his for him to make me.  Just because.  I cried tears of gratitude.  I didn’t tell my children what happened because I wanted their dad to be able to give me the picture as a gift from Santa (because that’s truly what it felt like)….but W and P said something to me out of the blue later that day.  It seems that they too had been thinking about the year drawing to a close.  “Ever since we moved here magical things just keep happening.”  That is what they said.  What prompted it was laughing at the money found under my doormat after someone had picked up another item I’d sold on the garage sale group.  They were joking that the money magically appeared.  What they didn’t know was just how onto something they really were.  So we talked about it.  We remembered how hard the start of the year was.  We thought about how we all thought it was going to be a terrible and difficult year because of how those first couple of weeks went.  We thought about the hard decisions we had to make throughout the year and the blessings we received for choosing the right.  We felt humbled.  And grateful.  We talked about all the ‘magic’ we have seen since being here and we recognized that magic for what it is….miracles from our Heavenly Father…blessings….tender mercies.  And we were overwhelmed- P,  W and I- as we thought just how very much our Heavenly Father loves us to send us these things to let us know He loves us and is proud of us and wants us to be happy and feel at home.  From the answer to a prayer to the random act of kindness… from the offer of friendship to the cookies on the doorstep…. from the incredible teachers at school and church to the kids who just ‘click’ together…. from the reliable babysitter you can trust to leave your kids with overnight to the family in the ward who offers to take them overnight when they’ve only known you a few months….from the presidency members who steal you in the middle of the night for ice cream on an otherwise blah birthday to the random paper birthday balloons taped on your door in the morning…. from the etsy store and fb orders to the garage sale sales…. from the box of school supplies and wishes for a good year to the giant stuffed whale ‘just because’ left on the doorstep… from the following a prompting to the answering a call…. I don’t know who all of you are that have blessed our lives but I wish to thank you each and every one.  Some are angels I know by name but feel nonetheless overwhelmed with gratitude for them.  Some of you are still in secret but you know who you are.  I need you all to know that I am grateful for you.  I need you to know that you have been answers to prayers.  I need to thank you for being the magic in my children’s lives.  I want everyone to know that you can feel the stress of the financial worries of the world or of your home or the stress of health issues or the stress of addiction or pornography or contention or other troubles in the home…..But you can still feel an abundance of love and of gratitude and blessings.  I am not really sure how much you can without the help of others who, probably unknowingly, act as God’s hands & angels on earth.  I want to thank those of you who have been that for us.  I need to say how very strongly I have felt blessed in the last few weeks and how very strongly I have felt those blessings as a result of my Heavenly Father wanting to acknowledge my good choices and patience (which, believe me, is not a strong suit of mine).  I don’t say any of this to be as though I am on some sort of high horse or tooting horn for when I have made good choices.  Quite the contrary.  I feel so far from ‘right’ and yet so richly blessed that it overwhelms me almost the point of confusion.  Who am I to deserve so much?  I am grateful to each of you who have made that possible.  I am so grateful to each person who is patient and loving with me in my own imperfection.  What a learning experience this life is!  I hope that I can continue to grow and change for the better in 2013 and that my life will continue to be as richly blessed…. I hope that you will get to feel that in your own life and that I can pay forward a little of what I have received.  I have so much to improve upon (a major thing being consistency) and I feel I have done so much wrong or less than what is expected, and yet I can be so blessed and grateful?  There really aren't words to adequately describe but I hope that you get to experience a little of it.  You’ll probably have to go through some tough stuff to get there, as I know we have, but I can promise you it is worth it.  It is a taste of Heaven and joy and any task or trial is worth that.

struggles.

I haven't journaled in so long and I can tell the difference.  I never realized before how much it can help you keep your head about you.  I recommitted last night to my life and to bringing order and balance back to it.  I am looking forward to that and I am grateful that my Heavenly Father clearly supports me in that as I woke up entirely without an alarm, feeling rested, early enough for self care time as I so desired.  I know that He knows the desires of my heart and that He wishes me to be successful and have all the blessings I so desire.

It has been a rough few months.  I tried, though I think now only half-heartedly, not to let it get to me and to turn it over to Christ.  It began when I publicly shared feelings I was having about missing people and missing being able to hang out with women without worrying if the conversation was going to turn vulgar and I would need to work up the courage to leave.  I meant every word of it as I felt so sad to feel so apart from everyone.  I also was struggling with adjusting to our move (after losing our home in foreclosure while we had a short sale offer on it), and with K2 having had a staph infection that kept us confined for 2 weeks.  In any case, that led to my best friend from high school blasting me in an email to all of our book club as well as in a private email where she said our "relationship was over" and proceeded to detail every criticism of every aspect of my life she said she'd been harboring for the past couple of years.  I felt shocked and stunned (and, yet, a little part of me not) and so hurt.  I felt troubled and hurt that standing for my values, ones I'd expect other members of my faith to hold or at least good friends of mine to understand, would cause so many to be offended to such an extent.  I think frequently of the scripture "the wicked taketh the truth to be hard" and yet I find myself not wanting to think that of them for some reason because it feels like I'm passing judgment on them negatively, as they have so hurtfully done to me.

So I have struggled with this and allowed it to consume much more of my mind and heart than has been good for it.  Instead I should regularly be focusing on the fact that I know my Heavenly Father supported my standing for truth and righteousness....that inside of me I knew I was risking losing or upsetting friends when I stood up to them, yet I could no longer walk that line.  I felt so strongly the need to choose the Lord's side (I need to remember that's always the winning side).... I need to remind myself often of the feeling of approval I got when I went to the temple all broken-hearted about it all- the acknowledgement of approval by my Savior and Heavenly Father and the testifying voice that told me I had kept my covenants and been willing to sacrifice all, even friendships, in the name of the gospel.  I must remind myself often that theirs is the only opinion of me that truly matters and I simply should not concern myself with any others' except to correct any wrongdoings on my part (which has occupied a lot of my mind as well- trying to find responsibility for it in myself in a way that would give me back a sense of control on the matter).  However, that is unhealthy too to the amount and degree that I have done that rather than just focusing on the feeling of the spirit I got and accepting that things have changed and for the better.

I love my family and I feel so blessed to have them.  DH has done his best to be understanding and supporting without passing judgment (which is hard for him where this particular 'friend' is concerned).  The kids are so sweet and have such great personalities and spirits.  They really do light up my life.  They wanted to play with this friend's daughter as soon as school got out for summer and that was hard.  But I was honest with them about why that would no longer be happening and I think it will be a good learning experience for them.

I am looking forward to a new week and a renewed commitment to life.  I am going to be a human being rather than just a human doing.  I am going to live as God intended me and I am so grateful to know He loves me.

lessons learned.

I just feel the need to write.  I'm not even sure of or how to express all my feelings but they need to be recorded.

After the cardiologist discovered last week that my carotid arteries are 50% blocked, I have an MRA today.  The ultrasound didn't show plaque.  I can't help thinking it has something to do with weakened artery walls- and that it's something related to my dad's AVM or my mom's aneurysm.  In any case, my initial reaction was one of hurt, dismay, fear, etc.  I thought 'here we go again' (with another big trial).  I felt embarrassed  that perhaps I brought this upon myself and that if I'd only faced up to my food addiction sooner.... But no sooner had I had that particular thought, the thought clearly came to my mind (and again as I write this) 'I'm not trying to punish you, I am trying to save you!'  How often do we see trials and tribulations as difficulties, inconveniences, or punishments & consequences?  Yet so often they are opportunities for growth and learning- for saving ourselves in an eternal sense.  Even when faced with consequences of other's agency or simply of a mortal life (because God doesn't 'inflict' everything on us)- we are promised that, if we ask for it, all these things will be made good and for our experience.  That's such a wonderful promise and I know it to be true as I have experienced it many times in my life.  I have struggled and endured trial after trial, always seeking to see the lesson.  However, sometimes that isn't immediately clear.  Even so, I have found that when I faced with seemingly insurmountable difficulty or trial, if I take it before the Lord and ask him to turn it for good, then I am more able to turn my life over to Him- putting my will in His hands.  This has always had the best outcome.  Not only that, but it is the only way to overcome fear, for casting out fear can only occur with a welcoming of faith.

This past year has been filled with many trials of faith, but also much growth and change.  As I struggled with physical therapy for my brain injury, I couldn't see the point of it all.  I felt broken and helpless.  It was a big inconvenience that affected my ability to be a mother and caused, at least to me, additional stress for my kids and husband.  So often I asked why.  I received a priesthood blessing at some point that told me I would be healed in due time and blessed me with patience.  Those were not the words I wanted to hear.  I wanted to be healed right then and there and I had the faith that I could.  But that was not God's plan and I needed to put my trust in Him.  I thought he was 'inflicting' this on me to 'make' me learn something.  I understand now that He very lovingly saw a less painful opportunity to teach me and help me grow with lessons that would sustain me in the coming months and trials ahead.  As I turned my life to Him and asked Him for that blessing, I allowed that to happen.  He wasn't going to force a lesson on me or just 'use' me to teach someone else a lesson.  During the course of the physical therapy, I would feel like I was taking 3 steps forward and 2 steps back.  I would break down in the middle of a session, crying.  J was usually my therapist and was so wonderful.  He explained to me that my body had healed itself wrong (by compensating) and that in order for it to heal correctly it needed to first be broken down- much like a broken bone that heals on its own before first being put in the right place and has to be rebroken.  Therefore, things were most certainly going to get worse before they got better but I needed to trust him that they would get better and that he would show me how and be there to help me every step of the way.  Wow- can we cay parallel to life?!  So many times in the last year I have seen the truth of that from an eternal perspective and returned to that lesson for strength and comfort.  I also learned in a very physical way about how we need to push ourselves to do hard things we may not want to, but that going more than we are able does us more harm than good.  That was a hard lesson for me to learn, as I've always felt I just needed to be strong and push through things.  I thought that if I just pushed myself harder then I would heal faster (and be done with this trial/inconvenience faster).  I learned that the opposite was true and that if we trust in the one who knows what they are doing and trust in the timing of it all, believing all would be well in due time, then that would happen- and we wouldn't make ourselves sick in the meantime.

I have had to draw on these lessons time and time again over the last year as I have worked through and with the disclosure of being married to a pornography addict, the realization of my own addictions, and facing a chaotic past filled with turmoil and abuse- with the resolution to be the transitional generation.

Finding out about the extent of DH's addiction and the lies in our marriage led me to visit a counselor with the desire to not be a victim and to stop the trend in the family of women being victimized.  She led me to participate in an intensive recovery group called SOLE- Survivors of Life Experiences.  It was a group for women who'd survived trauma of many kinds, often abuse.  I didn't want to go initially.  I felt it didn't apply to me or that I wasn't 'that' bad.  But the Lord testified to me in more ways than one that this was where He wanted me and I would be blessed for going.  The SOLE experience was literally life-changing.  I learned how I had developed coping behaviors and thinking patterns as a means of getting through and surviving my life.  Having been used by so many others it was hard not to see God as doing the same to me.  Having a father who only seemed to love and approve of me when 'perfect', I felt like God loved me and yet had a checklist he was keeping that if I didn't' live up to, I didn't' have His full approval and love.  As I went through the program and prayed for humility, I felt more broken.  Much as my body needed to be broken to heal correctly, my soul no needed to be.  How grateful I was to have learned that lesson for it was easier to do so in that environment and gave me the strength and hope in the next.... For I truly felt more broken than ever!  The miraculous thing was that as I went through this experience I found that I was able to feel the love of my Heavenly Father.  To really feel it.  I had always known He loved me and had indeed felt His spirit and love- but this was a far more intense and personal experience.  It's like the veil has become a bit more thin when I choose it to be- and what a joyous feeling that is!  I'm sad that I since haven't done as well, been as consistent, at striving for that and allowing for that...but such is the struggle of mortality and each second of every day is a chance to start anew.  I feel like the Lord has testified to me many times this past year of His love for me.  He has validated my every feeling (never leaving me feeling guilty for having a negative one).  He has graced me with His presence, simply being at my side at times.  He has cheered me on and fought for me.  He has allowed me to experience the companionship, support, and encouragement of my mother life I've never known.  He has opened my eyes wide to all kinds of things- blessings, weaknesses, sins, graces, miracles, and lessons.  For those things I am so unbelievably grateful.  Living life with your eyes opened is like being in the temple when they turn more lights on- you don't realized how dim it has been until you suddenly have more light.

I went to the St. George temple a couple weeks ago for the first time.  The opportunity presented itself and I had tot take it.  I'd been feeling for some time a strong need to go to the temple (though not for any particular reason) and the Las Vegas one had been closed for cleaning.  No sooner did I walk in the door than I was overcome by a tremendous feeling of love, like I had never before experienced.  I was taken by surprise because I didn't feel like I'd been lacking that feeling and wondered what the purpose could be for Him choosing to fill me so greatly at that time.  I reasoned that it was because I was also feeling the love, joy, approval, and presence of my mom.  I was also planning to work through steps 4 and 5 of the ARP & PASG groups- where you make a searching and honest inventory of your life and then disclose it.  I thought "Heavenly Father already knows all these things about me- everything past and present, in the open or hidden by shame- yet He loves me this much, with this intensity."  That was a very powerful experience and very freeing.  I came to realize that it is His love (which is felt by faith) that dispels fear and grants power.  It really is love (in the form of experiencing God's love for us) that conquers all.  Not only that, but the Atonement happened because of love- Christ loved us all so much that He was willing to go through that for each and every one of us.  Wow.

So back to now.... Experiencing that intense feeling of love opened my eyes and softened my heart, allowing me to really feel again the depth and sincerity of my love for DH.  With all we've been through in the past year, that is a tremendous gift and one I had prayed for even when receiving validation that if I needed to leave that was okay, for I had done my part in my marriage.  But to feel those same intensity of feelings felt on our wedding day was truly a wonderful gift.

So I have this MRA today and I can't help feeling that my life is about to change in a very real way.  That all these lessons and experiences over the last year have been leading up to this.  And I'm grateful for that.  I'm grateful to have the experience of learning and growing line upon line and precept on precept.  I'm grateful to have learned the value of one step at a time and trusting in the Lord.  I see great love and care in all He has been with me through in the past few years.  I see His face smiling at me with nothing but love and acceptance, in spite of all my weaknesses and shortcomings.  I didn't always feel this way.  I no longer see Him as just allowing bad things to happen to me or as inflicting things upon me to teach me a lesson.  He loves me.  I got a priesthood blessing last night in preparation for today.  Really, it mostly said a lot of things I'd been praying for and I felt liek a lot of it was for DH's benefit as he was the one giving it.  I was told of the love people here on earth and in Heaven have for me.  I was told that those on the other side of the veil would be with me.  I was encouraged to draw on and remember these things- this love & the love of my Heavenly Father as I put my life in the Lord's hands (something I'd been praying for though not in quite so literally a sense).  I was encouraged not to be afraid and to trust God.  I was told that I'd had a difficult and hard life, having gone through so much already in such a short time.  I guess it was nice to have that validated.  I was blessed to be strong in body, mind and spirit.  I feel like something big is coming but that the Lord wants me to know He loves me very much and has given me and my family the tools necessary to get us through this.  I just will need to remember and draw on that regularly.  I guess that's why I felt the need to write all these things down.  It's easy to fear the unknown and to think of all the possible bad scenarios- particularly when you've experienced so much of that.  But the only way to overcome that is by trusting God, loving Him, and allowing yourself to feel His love for you.  He may only be concerned on an eternal and spiritual perspective (though I think He is concerned for the physical and temporal as well) but "I am saving you" is the thought I had and continue to have.  How and what that entails- well I guess that's up to him. ;)

deeper confession.

Tonight I told DH that I have an addiction to food and that I would like to go to ARP group meetings or at least use the manual to deal with it.  I also unexpectedly shared with him that I had planned on leaving come summertime had I not seen progress in his recovery.  That was hard.  I'm not sure if I had told him like I'd thought or if I had decided not to tell him that thought but it just sort of came out.  It was hard to see that pain and hurt in his eyes.  I'm not sure if I did the right thing in telling him.  I have to hope he understands my intentions and doesn't take it personally.  The fact is, I do love him and I do want to stay with him.  What is difficult is allowing him to see my path, expressing my feelings without his fixing things- all while feeling triggered and wanting him to understand that I am triggered without taking it personally or trying to fix it.  I still struggle to reach that state of total acceptance of this 'struggle' being the new reality for us.  I guess because I think that accepting it means giving up the fight to make things better.

a look back at 2010.

It was a hard year for a lot of people, ourselves included. As I thought back on 2010 I realized just how much of it seemed to have been spent at doctor’s offices, in bed, or at therapy appointments… all for me. I am grateful that my children were largely healthy for the year (aside from K getting his tonsils out and having a large mole removed from his back, P breaking her arm and needing a lot of miserable skin treatments for other problems, and Kyle getting tubes in his ears). I am not sure how we would have juggled much more. I think I went to the grocery store maybe 6 times during the year. I’m grateful I had a good store of food storage to use and a husband who could pick up some things here and there. January started with my wisdom teeth coming out, getting horribly infected, then getting braces on before they were even fully healed. By the end of February I was having serious vertigo problems that were leaving me largely bedridden for days at a time. It took over a month before an ENT finally determined that I had gotten a minor traumatic brain injury and damaged my otolith (something in your inner ear) back when I had fallen and hit my head on the stairs in October (also the reason for the braces, to realign my messed up bite). So it was that in either March or April I began physical therapy at the Werner Institute. It was a long, painful, sometimes sickening process as I had to have multiple epiley maneuvers and experienced many setbacks. I went twice a week for an hour every single week until the beginning of September. What a blessing it is to move around normally! To be able to ride in a car (or even drive), especially at night, without feeling like you’re going to throw up… to be able to pick something up off the ground or turn side to side without feeling like you’re going to either throw up or fall over… to be able to feel awake and not worn out from your brain working overtime just to keep you upright. I still experience the effects if I get worn down, overly stressed, or sick…but it’s not nearly as bad and I even find myself grateful for a very clear signal from my body that forces me to stop everything and just rest. I went straight from physical therapy to being involved in a wonderful 12-week therapy group called SOLE (Survivors of Life Experiences). That ended at Thanksgiving and we filled the last month of the year with appointments as we had met our deductibles.

While it seems that much of the year was spent in a fog I realized that it was a year of tremendous growth and lessons learned. I learned much about humility and patience. I gained much more of these attributes than I ever honestly thought I’d have. I learned that when something heals wrong you have to break it to fix it the right way. This is often incredibly painful. Even though we have the remarkable ability of adapting to cope and survive, it doesn’t mean that those mechanisms we develop are the best for us and at some point we must examine and correct where needed. I learned that my Heavenly Father loves me for me and that He loves me for my imperfections…that I do not need to be perfect to receive His love and approval. I learned that if we pray for a change of heart and for humility, we will surely receive… That it does not have to be a heart-wrenching experience as we feel pride crushed, but rather it is an opening experience as we are better able to receive the Lord in our lives and feel His presence more than ever. I learned how to just let things go. I experienced a powerful Priesthood blessing from someone unaware of my circumstance that gave me unmeasured blessings and showed me just how much my Heavenly Father truly is aware of my every need, often even before I am. I experienced many answers to prayers as I received confirmation from multiple sources… giving me greater confidence in myself and my ability to receive personal revelation. I was blessed to be able to see others through the eyes of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and to glimpse the love they feel for us. I learned how much I need others and yet how much I don’t…how very capable I am. I learned to experience peace and joy in the midst of chaos and imperfect circumstances. I grew…and I am grateful.

Also, I found this list that I had made at the beginning of 2010. I prefer to make ‘affirmations’ rather than goals and see how many come to pass. My health issues threw a wrench into a few things but I’m pretty happy with where I ended up. Here is the list I’d made:

In 2010 I will:

- Read at least 20 books Done

- Finish rereading the Book of Mormon Done

- Take a name to the temple Done

- Lose all this baby weight (and yes, I’m still going to call it that even though my baby will turn 2 this year), slowly but surely so that it stays off uhhh….yeahhhh…

- Go on a hike each month was getting done until I could no longer hike as the walking made me dizzy and nauseous 

- Pay off AT LEAST one or two creditors Done

- Attend the temple each month Done (minus Dec  but I was going weekly for a few months so that must count)

- Be more provident by preparing my own mixes for ready-use Done

- Learn to can (no, not can-can) I made some jam that didn’t really set and I canned some dry mixes, does that count?

- Teach Will and Pammie to play piano uhhhh

- Paint something Done

- Focus each day not on making my house clean, but instead on helping it be more clean more often Done

- Take one photo each day to document what our life is like This went out the door as soon as I spent a full week unable to even get out of bed without help to go to the bathroom.

So I’m pretty satisfied with it. This year’s list looks something like this:

In 2011 I will:

- Finish reading the New Testament

- Read 20 books again

- Attend the temple monthly

- Pray daily

- Pay off at least another two creditors

- Write a letter to someone each month

- Document our lives (whether it be regular blogging, daily pics, journaling…dunno)

- Have regular one-on-one time with each of my kids

- Spend 5 hours a week in personal meditation, reflection, scripture study etc as challenged by our Stake President

- Get my kids all doing regular chores

- Lose at least 20 pounds….preferrably all the rest I have to lose as well

- Live within a budget and record finances

- ‘DeJunk’ weekly

- Go on at least 6 hikes

- Go camping

- Sew each kid a pair of pajama pants and myself a full outfit

- Update the favorites recipe book I compiled