hope

This is seriously so good. We are focusing on hope in my challenge group this week and then I happened to read this article, written by a psychologist, this morning. I am certainly going to implement some of this in the group. So many fabulous tidbits in this.

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2013/09/the-healing-balm-of-hope?lang=eng

reporting in

I have been struggling lately. I have not eaten terribly per se (yesterday's cereal binge and today's ice cream bar aside). I haven't felt like working out or paying attention to what I eat or even caring. I don't care about doing IronGirl anymore. I don't know what happened. I haven't been able to pinpoint a trigger. Heck, I go back and forth about whether I even care about the change. 

Why do I tell you this when I am actively trying to build a Beachbody business and wanting to get you to join me?

I don't know. Except I do know this: Honesty matters. Those little slips will become something bigger if I don't admit to them and what they really mean. If I am not honest with you about my journey even while trying to coach, then I am really am just trying to sell you something. That's not me. Or at least that isn't who I want to be. I want to help you. I want to change myself and I want you to experience that as well. I want the best me and the best you. I am struggling with caring about that right now, but I know that is still my truth. I know that Shakeology makes a serious difference in how I feel. I haven't been consistent with it this last week and boy can I feel the difference. It has made it ridiculously easier to slip when I haven't had it. Yes, some is mental as drinking it reminds me of a commitment to putting good things in my body. It's more than that though- it is my mood, energy, cravings, thought clarity all being affected. I believe in Shakeology so I will try to convince you to as well. I also believe the Beachbody workouts are extremely well-designed and have real science behind the structure of the programs. I have read enough things over enough years to recognize a common and consistent pattern to proper fitness, and I see it in their programs. I haven't been doing a specific program this last month and I know that has been part of my problem as well. It makes a difference. I'm not giving up because I am not going to start over. I still make better choices and have good, healthy habits that I didn't have before. It has extended to my family who have noticed the difference as I have slacked in commitment. I have been at a standstill with my body for over a month and the physical battle of that as well as the mental battle with the negative voices telling me I am just different than everyone else and never going to lose any more weight or change my body anymore etc (like I said, I'm fighting them)...well, it has taken a toll. I'm just being honest with you all because I know that at the end of the day, that matters. I don't want to sell you something. I want to change. I want to want to change, but not out of feelings of shame. I want you to feel the same because even if I don't feel it right now, I know that I have. I know that I've felt the other side of this and will again if I don't give up. I want to help you feel that too, because helping you helps me. I am so grateful to you challengers of mine and I hope to be a better coach to you soon and more motivational to you all. 

In defense of my former self

Dear Self;

You lived a life that many didn't see.  One that even you didn't fully come to terms with and allow yourself to see until you were almost 30.  It's time to let it all out and see that it is okay.  Everyone has baggage.  Everyone has skeletons in the closet.  Some have more than others.  That's okay.  It doesn't mean you were bad or deserved any less.  It doesn't meant that you had to learn lessons the hard way or that you were a tool being used by God to learn a lesson you could share with others.  You suffered the consequences of other's agency for many years and didn't realize that's all it was.  You took it out on God, not fully trusting Him, because you thought He was using you.  You were happy to submit to Him.  At least He loved you.  You wanted to do good and be good and so you willingly became His martyr, His victim, His tool to help others because you knew that you would share and be empathetic...because that's who you are.  This was the only reality you knew.  This was how you understood things and thus how you lived your life for decades.  You know what? It's okay.

You were molested.  More than once.  By different people.  They told you that 'you asked for it' and 'deserved it.'

You were forced to watch explicit pornography as a kindergartner by your friend's dad.  The same friend who you used to have sleepovers with and where you developed a nervousness for sleeping with the door closed and waiting for someone to come in.  The same one you would hide in the berry bush with.


You grieved the sudden loss of your grandma that you adored when you were in 6th grade.
You didn't understand how to process the pain.  You didn't want to be sad because you didn't want to make your mom sad and have her hurt more.
Two years later you grieved the sudden loss of a boy you had a crush on that lived near you and rode the bus with you.  You were confused why you hurt so much again.  You were tired of feeling like an inconvenience to those who were supposed to love you unconditionally and tired of feeling like something to be used by everyone else.  You took more pills than you were supposed to of a drug that you reacted badly to in a half-hearted attempt to end your life so you could be with your grandma in a happy place again.  Your friend, bless her heart, told on you and dragged you to the school psychologist...who told on you to your mom....who thankfully wasn't mad or even overly sad.
Two years later you grieved the loss of another schoolmate in an accident you saw from your house.

Two years later, you buried your mom a month after graduating high school.
You wondered what lesson it was that you were missing that you kept losing all these people in your life.

You were nearly raped.  You still aren't sure how you got out of that, only that you remember the boy's friend watching and laughing and the boy saying "this is what you came here for anyway isn't it?" and you thought it was punishment for lying to your parents about where you were going.  You thought maybe this was just how boys showed they like you and maybe you should just learn to like it.  Except that other boy standing there laughing was a big red flag and you somehow came to your senses and got out.

You spent many years having dreams that haunted you and made you feel dirty and guilty.  They were out of your control but they controlled how you felt. It wasn't until your late teens that you recognized it was a replaying of those scenes you saw as a kindergartner.  It wasn't until your late 20s that you understood it wasn't your fault.

After your mom died, you had night terrors where you dreamed you or some other family member killed her.  Your brother accused you of causing her brain aneurysm because the day before you had pulled her over in a low-lying lawnchair as part of a family joke and she hit her head.  You wondered if he was right.  You wondered if other people thought the same.  Even after 2 neurologists told you it was a ticking time bomb and your actions wouldn't have set it off any sooner.  You wondered if she 'left' because you told her in the hospital that day (not that you even know if she could hear you) that you understood she missed her mom and you would take care of things on this end so she could go and that you'd understand and it would be okay. Would she have stayed if you had been more willing to fight?

Your dad didn't talk to you for years because he was upset that you said he didn't love you in an upset middle-schooler fight.  He thought you owed him an apology for your disrespect.  You thought he was just confirming your accusations and should try to make you feel loved.  You were a middle-schooler after all.

The boys in 5th grade made fun of you during the pledge of allegiance, saying you were grabbing yourself because you were already developing.

The boys in 8th grade cat-called you if you ever wore a skirt or low-cut shirt.  It made you feel important.

The boys in high school apparently said you were an amazing kisser and talked about you.  So you found out later from a friend who had kissed you, and then told you that was why.

You caught your 2 best friends in high school trying on your (size 9) pants and dancing around laughing at your 'clown pants'.

You overheard your parents fighting about you being in summer school PE, which you thought was just so you would be able to take art class during the school year instead, and there being ice cream in the house.  You heard your dad liken you to a whale and say that the ice cream shouldn't be around.
In your anger and hurt, you called a friend and decided to try pot to see what all the fuss was about and to really piss him off like he had hurt you.  It was a one-day, one-experience kind of thing but the effect was that he again no longer spoke to you except during choir practice- because he was the choir director and you were the pianist....even though that was the only time he went to church, or at least anything more than the occasional Sacrament meeting.

In high school, you got a concussion so bad that you couldn't remember how to do simple math and couldn't read a page in a book without falling asleep.

You saw your best friend get attacked by a dog right next to you when you were 4 years old.  You felt bad that it was her and not you because you didn't want her to hurt like that.


People told you that you shouldn't be sad.  People told you that you were being a victim and should stop.  People told you that it was all your fault.  You didn't even know you were sad. You didn't even recognize the pattern of victimization.  You thought it was your fault.

It wasn't true.

Self, you were victimized.  You were used by others and not by God.  You had hard things in your life.  More than many can understand in such a short time.  It doesn't mean you were deserving of those things.  It doesn't make you special.  It means you were strong.  You survived.  You, and God, have turned these things for your good.

These things do not define you, and yet they are you.  Being a new and better person doesn't mean that you were a bad person before.  It doesn't invalidate or lessen the worth of your self at any given stage in your life.  You are simply at a different point in your life now.  You are here because of what you've been through but you might have been here even without them.  You might not be here without them.  You could be in a different place, a much worse place, because of all this.  You needn't feel bad.  You are strong.  You are a survivor.  You have hurt and you have tried to take care of yourself and you have tried to protect yourself...all the best you could and the best you knew how with what you had at the time.  You really did try your best with what you had and what you understood and where you were in your life.

I know, because I am you.
And it's okay.

Don't worry about what other's judgments have been or what they may be.  Don't worry about those who've been unkind.  Don't wish these things on them either.  Don't think you willingly took these things upon yourself so that you would learn or so that you would get others to feel sorry for you in an attempt to feel loved.  No, that's not the way.  You've let it go and given it over.  You are a new person but loving yourself now doesn't mean not loving yourself then.  There is someone who gets that, and in the end He is all that matters.

Love,
Me.

a little history lesson

I've been contacted recently by a few people who have wanted some more background on my relationship with my husband and the struggles we have gone through.  There is some of it on this blog in further years back, but I realize not everyone reads older posts and even still there are a lot of holes there because I wasn't writing regularly at the time.

Although this happened a few years ago and although some of you may know some who are involved, I am sharing it out of a greater concern for those who I know need to hear this.  Those who know my husband and his family, I trust to respect the privacy of those involved and to withhold judgement.  This is the story of 'the situation' (as referenced in earlier posts) as I have told it to some recently.  This was a major turning point and I feel that all of us involved have improved and found blessings since:

The Situation
AKA When I got my impression that divorce was okay

First, you have to know the background....The nature of living in Las Vegas and being in the air conditioning industry means sometimes early mornings and late hours, especially during the summertime. So sometimes he'd tell me he was going to be home late or sometimes he'd go in early to unload a truck or get some things done before things got crazy once they opened.

Well, it turns out that's where he was 'using'. My husband is different than most in that his primary porn source is actually literature. That's a whole lot harder to block with a filter. It's also a lot easier to disguise at work. It isn't that the pictures don't do it for him or that he never looks at them...but it is something about the living vicariously through the stories....

So at the warehouse my kids sometimes run around and dad gives them rides on the forklift and that sort of thing. I don't recall how far into the whole recovery thing we were when I was walking around the warehouse while my boys played and came upon a sort of desk area that the warehouse workers (2 guys that he is over) had set up. There was a desk covered in pictures. Not the worst I've seen but the kind you'd find in GQ or Maxim.

To say I was livid would be an understatement. Here he was telling me he was doing so good, going to recovery meetings, trying his best....and there is THIS at work? And I'm supposed to believe him?! How is he EVER supposed to be ok while that is there? Why is he, or his dad or ANY of the other LDS guys he works with okay with letting that be there? How do they expect the business to be successful (economy hasn't been so great here) and have the blessing of Heavenly Father while they allow THAT? How did he expect to build any kind of trust?

And my son, who was turning 8 in a few months, had seen it all. So I was doubly livid.

Pretty sure I kicked him out again at that point. I could go ask him but he'd probably say "I try to block all that out of my mind."

This caused me major trouble. On the one hand I felt like he was doing well and he was choosing to go to meetings, saying how they help, doing steps and making personal changes I could see. On the other it felt like asking an alcoholic to work in a bar.

I felt like every day was this battle with Satan in my head. Like a full blown exhausting war was being waged within me and I hated it.

So he promised me that this desk will be gone. For weeks and months he tells me he has bugged this person or that person about needing to get rid of it. One person or another claims that they will but then they don't do anything. At that point he's still dealing with being major shame-based so he is having a hard time with how to say what but I say 'too bad, you better figure it out.' How was I supposed to believe that he was even saying anything to anyone anyway?

I kept trying to put my foot down, and being a situation involving others I didn't know at what point to draw what line. I had already drawn a boundary that no early or late hours or after hours weekend calls would be allowed and I was immensely grateful for the support received on that and lack of any fighting back about it.  The company was moving their warehouse and he assured me that he was assured by the guys that the desk would not be making the move. So I opted to wait and see. He told me after the move that he was so mad at them because there it was and he was upset that he wasn't respected (which has been his issue at work and part of his background with his addiction) and nobody would take him seriously etc. I didn't know whether to believe and trust that he was genuinely as upset by this as I, or if he was trying to cover his tracks because he knew I'd look for it as soon as I visited him at work.

I continued to let it go for a little while after it but it was a serious thorn in my side and I needed it out. After praying I finally I needed to take matters into my own hands. I might not have any right to do anything at his place of employment, but I do have the right to say something to his boss if his boss is his father and I wasn't okay with letting that stay there. So I wrote a letter to both of his parents. I explained to them what he had told me of his version of the story, and my feelings about it. I told them how he needed to feel that he was supported by his family and that this was a way that could be done. Then I told them my feelings- that I was prepared to give him an ultimatum: me, the job, or the desk - and that I hoped that as his parents they would not want him to be in that position and that I did not want to have to find out the answer.

His dad got rid of the desk and my husband was FURIOUS with me. Seriously, I have seen him mad at other people but I have never seen him mad at me like that- before or since. He felt I went behind his back and was completely out of line. I refused to apologize. He quit talking to me. Of course this only fanned flames of doubt in my mind. If he was really making good choices then why would he react in such a way?That was when I went to the temple out of desperation because I was so confused about how to act, react, interpret...everything. I got a very distinct impression that I had 'done my part' finally- made every sacrifice possible to show my personal humility and willingness to put things in the Lord's hands and stood up for what was right...and that if I did not see changes in DH it would be okay to get a divorce because the Lord said I had made every effort on my end.

I was shocked, scared, and relieved to get that impression. And it sent me into a tailspin where I gained 10 lbs in less than a month but that's a different story.

What's interesting though is that the very next week we went to the counselor together. I told him about the feeling I got at the temple. He finally talked about how my actions with the letter made him feel. We still didn't come to an agreement but it was as though my eyes were suddenly opened and I could see the broken man that he was who was just trying to do his best. It wasn't good enough in my book but it was all he had at that point in time. And that is why we are not divorced. I needed to be willing to completely give it all over (in my tailspin I had to finally reach the point where I accepted and acknowledged that inspiration and felt truly willing to take that next step even with all the fears and uncertainty- and judgement from others- that would come with it) I think now that I needed the Lord's validation of my feelings and path in the prompting I got at the temple. Feeling that validation scared me to death (like I was afraid of my own power or control of the situation) but led me to self-examination that led me to humility that allowed my eyes to be more fully opened.

^THAT actually was the point at which I realized *I* had a problem. It makes me sad that it wasn't enough for me to change then but I accept now that it was and is a process. There have been bumps along the road for me personally since that time and I needed those experiences to teach me to help shape me to who I am now.

Something interesting that I learned is that we sometimes 'pad' ourselves. Quite frequently those who have eating disorders (on both ends of the spectrum) are unconsciously (or even consciously) trying to make themselves 'disappear'. The anorexic wants to become so small that she isn't noticed so nobody thinks to hurt her. The overweight wants to become undesirable so that nobody hurts or uses her anymore. I would add that the married to a porn addict or struggling with a marriage wants to make herself undesirable to her husband so that she doesn't have to deal with his advances while trying to detach or while trying to figure things out. OR she wants to 'feel stuck' as though no one else would want her because she feels like damaged goods or feels afraid of her own empowerment. Those are all feelings that I have felt.

dreaming big

A year ago my husband and I had this dream.  We decided to open up a shop on Etsy as a way to hopefully pay for our hobbies and, if we were lucky, maybe even earn some extra money for Christmas and paying off debt and fun stuff etc.  See, DH had gotten into woodworking as an alternative healthy habit instead of turning to his pornography addiction.  It was a healthy outlet and he found he was actually pretty good at it.  He always thought of me as the creative one in the family (since I've been involved with art since my elementary school days) but now he was finding he was good at this and it provided him immense satisfaction and joy to make things for other people that they found joy and appreciation is.  All our tools have been hand-me-downs though so we hoped that we could at least earn enough money to be able to buy him some better tools and to fund his doing this hobby just for fun.  Same with me and doing art.  It's a difficult thing when you know that there is a healthy and useful outlet and even a talent you've been given that you long to improve and share with others...but you feel guilty because there is an associated cost to it and money is tight and the kids come first.  You know.  Anyway, so we started an Etsy shop and a FB page for it a few months later, for those reasons.

I haven't thought much of where we wanted to take this until recently when goals and aspirations have been on my mind a lot more.  It has always been our hope to at the very least be able to utilize it to come up with extra cash for Christmas and family vacations.  I am happy to say that we were able to do both this last year.  It was a tremendous, and miraculous, blessing.  Additionally, even being able to do this- to have this shop up and running- is a direct results of having lost our home, of my husband's addiction recovery, of many trials that have now been turned for our good.  Our new home has a shop...an extra room off the garage that is perfect for him.  There was a girls' camp fundraiser shortly after we moved in that gave him the idea to try making a few things to donate.  Those were so well-received that it gave him the confidence and encouragement to make that next step.  See how the Lord works?  He is amazing.

So the Heavens have opened lately.  That is how I feel.  I feel overwhelmed and blown away at how blessed we are.  I believe wholeheartedly that my Heavenly Father has been wanting to bless our lives but that because He too is also bound by law, He has been unable to do so to the extent He has desired so long as we were still in addiction.  As we have worked to improve our relationship with Him, to more fully turn our lives over to Him, to do the hard work of facing our weaknesses and trying to make them our strengths....He blesses us!  He blesses us so much!  I feel like I am still so far from perfect- like in the simple stuff of daily scripture study and prayer every single day- and yet He blesses me!  All I can figure is that He knows where my heart is and he wants me to run to Him.  He wants to show me that He really is there, He really does love me in all my imperfectness, and He really does want awesome things for me and is willing to help me have those if I am willing to work.

I feel so empowered when I think of this.  I think how just such a short time ago I was acting upon just a glimpse of a desire.  I wasn't sure that this Beachbody thing would work but I had a small enough desire to give it a change.  I was afraid of admitting to and facing an eating disorder, but I had just a glimmer of a hope that the change I saw in my husband could happen with me.

I haven't lost a ton of weight and yet I am finally able to envision that other me.  The fit and healthy and unstoppable me.  I see her again.  I couldn't find her for a long time.  I don't feel that it's like I'm some suddenly different person.  I see it more as having been in a place of light for so long that my eyes had adjusted and I didn't see just how much brighter it could be.....I didn't realize not all the lights were on, until they were on.  It's tasting that delicious fruit of the tree of life and wanting to share it with others because you didn't realize how much you were missing out on.

I have this way secret desire for my husband to be able to follow his dreams and passions while supporting our family.  Secretly he has always wanted to be a helicopter pilot, and he loves working with his hands.  Wouldn't it be amazing if he could actually be a woodworker and a helicopter pilot?  Wouldn't he be that much more amazing by feeling that much more fulfilled?  I can actually see that happening now.  I don't know if it will...but I do believe it can if he really wants it.

Why the change?

Those blessings.
God makes anything possible.  Gratitude makes more possible.  Humility allows God to work through us and pour out Heaven on our heads.

And because we have changed.
We have struggled for so long.... health and finances in particular.  I see a light at the end of that tunnel at last.  I heard it all.... I was blamed for our health struggles.  I was told I was a hypochondriac.  I was told it was my fault that my kids had allergies or asthma and that if I just was a better mother, or more clean or fed them better then we would all be better.  We were blamed for finances beyond our control.  Were there decisions we could have made better?  Were there bad choices made?  Absolutely.  Was it our fault when the job market crashed and a second job wasn't to be found?  Was it our fault when DH unexpectedly became too sick to hold a second job?  Were we responsible for the housing market crashing just as we were selling our house and moving into another that we had already calculated an appropriate amount of debt according to the income that was supposed to be coming in soon?  Nope.  Could we have done that differently?  Sure....but we wouldn't have had the trial of our faith and learned the lessons we did in those years that followed.  When DH's problem very first came out, many many years ago and before I realized it was an addiction rather than a problem, he had just lost his job and we were living off our savings.  I couldn't understand why we weren't blessed with a job or this or that when we were trying so hard.... and then when I found out about that I blamed him.  How could we expect blessings when he wasn't living worthy of them.  Sadly, it is often the consequence of life as an addict or as one married to an addict.  It is the consequence of being married to someone breaking their marital covenants.  It is a sad fact that we suffer the consequences of another's actions in a way that other's see without seeing the whole picture, without seeing the backstory that we know.  So it is.  It is also a beautiful and miraculous thing when the Lord is able to use those things for our good as He has for us.....over a lot of time and difficulty.
Please be aware of that when you are making observations of another's situation....health, finances, happiness, trials and joy.  You just don't know.  

DH received a message from a customer yesterday.  This is someone whom he had made this beautiful journal for them to write letters to their child in.  A friend from high school (who I admittedly had sort of mixed feelings about because they'd been really close when we were starting to date and I had some jealousy issues there).  That's beside the point though. ;)  She apparently visited a local Vegas attraction where some wooden items were being sold that were somewhat similar to items she knew we sold.  She asked to speak with the gift shop's buyer and then told them about DH's wooden journals and other wooden items as well as his history as a LV native and more.  According to the message received from the customer, the buyer is extremely interested in DH's stuff and wants to talk about carrying it in the gift shop.  Are you serious?!  Dream big people.  Dream big.  Things can happen.  Put it out there.  I have long since admired a friend of mine who is making a living as an artist.  I remember just a few years ago when she made her first sale on Etsy.  Watching her success (she now has artwork being used as signs at Target and has designed makeup packaging and been featured in magazines etc) has encouraged me to dream ... but I've still always sort of seen that as happening to 'other people' and not us.  Our life was destined to be 'this way'.  Nope.  That was a lie Satan was telling us to rob of us our hope and blessings from God.  Why do we put limits on ourselves.  Limits are not there until we put them there.  Children do not know limits until we tell them.  God works the same way with us.  Dream big for your own sake.  Don't judge the smaller dreams or seemingly smaller successes of others.  You don't know what's underneath.

not sure the source on this one, sorry. was shared in my challenge group today

Things I know to be true

the time we were almost on a talk show

It was December 2011.

I was driving with my kids out to Red Rock for a spur of the moment excursion.  My phone rang and the screen showed it was my husband's therapist, our marriage counselor.  We hadn't been there for months.  My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach wondering what he could be calling about.

He needed my help with something.  Phew! I seriously had it run through my mind that DH was in some sudden and unexpected trauma and called him instead of me but was serious enough to warrant the therapist calling me.  He was scheduled to appear on a national talk show as an expert in the field to discuss sexual addiction and the couple he was still regularly treating that had agreed to do it had backed out at the last minute.  Would we be willing to do that?  Could he give my number to the producer for the show so that she could give me a call and give me more information?

Blank.

That was about where my mind went.  Thankfully I had just arrived at the parking lot so I didn't have to keep trying to drive with this shock.  My initial reaction was what I believe it would still be...."I will happily do anything to help educate and provide hope for others."  Admittedly my very second reaction, that I kept to myself, was 'I cannot go on national television looking the way I do' and I was overwhelmed with shame about body and immediately had the old demons of 'people will say it is my fault, that if I were just more attractive or skinnier etc then my husband wouldn't have this problem.' False.  This was why this national conversation needed to be had.

Obviously our counselor understood the need to talk it over.  He encouraged me to have a discussion with DH and get back to him the next day.  However, time was also of the essence as they were supposed to be taping this show really soon.  It also meant that we would need to quickly decide whether we even could get away for a couple of days to NYC.  After all, we do have 4 kids that would need to be watched and a job that would need to be okay with a last minute vacation of sorts.

I still get a little anxious thinking about this.  I can feel my heart racing just as it did at the thought of being on Anderson Cooper.  That's right....Anderson Cooper.  Admittedly, I hadn't seen his talk show at all but I knew his reputation as a news reporter.  If it had been probably any other talk show I would likely have not considered it (okay, Ellen is dang funny and Dr Phil I'd hope would have a good take on things).  However, Anderson Cooper seemed to be more about integrity than flair and facts than show.  So I agreed to talk it over with DH and had already determined in my mind that I would do it.

The 12th step in the ARP and PASG manual says "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do."  This was my chance to do that.

Now, understand that DH had only been clean for barely a year at this point.  There were (and are) still a lot of trust issues to be worked out.  I was at a point where I believed he was no longer using and I believed him when he said so, but I still questioned and doubted.  I realize that sounds contradictory but I imagine you can only understand once you have been there so I know no other way to describe it.

So I sat down with DH that night to tell him what had happened, what we had been asked to do, and he bristled.  I panicked.  Did that mean that he had more secrets?  He is a more private person than I am and I understand that.  This was certainly about him, not me, so I made it very clear that was his decision entirely and he needed to not feel pressured to make the choice one way or the other.  I would support him either way.  He grew up in a home where he was surrounded by relatives and everyone in each others' business.  That's left him a little scarred you might say.  He feels so strongly about not sharing 'his business' that it is, in my opinion, to the extreme opposite...because he has felt too many years of being shamed for choices or hearing others make judgments and gossip.  He doesn't want to be the subject of that.  What person, especially an addict, does?

We were concerned about the anonymity of it.  Was this something where we would be black shadows and our voices disguised?  The answer was no.  I was concerned about the misinformation that is out there and the resulting effect on any future employers or parents of our kids' friends or something.  My husband is not some 'freak' but I know that misunderstanding exists.  If we were to go on this show and share our story then we would be showing our faces and our names, though first names only.  His biggest concern was any of his extended family seeing the show, knowing that side of him, and then always watching for him to make a mistake.  I wondered if that meant maybe he wasn't planning on this being a real change after all.

I cannot explain the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions that went through both of our minds over the next couple of days.

Well at least we'd get a free trip to NYC out of it and a little getaway from the kids.  After all, I deserved at least that much for all the hell I had gone through.  Yup...we both had that thought on our own.

What if we went on national tv to provide hope to others that recovery was possible and it cause some big trigger that then created a relapse and we looked like great big hypocrites? After all, I have my boundary that I will not tolerate it and others might see that the wrong way if I have to enforce it.

One time I spoke up in a church lesson about the ARP program to say how wonderful it was.  It was a few months later I'd found out he had been actively using for the previous year or two.  I felt like a big jerk for having said anything in that lesson.

While we were figuring all this out we couldn't keep it to ourselves because we also had to determine if there would even be someone to watch our kids.  It consumed us for a couple of days.  So we told a couple of family members and friends who had known of our situation (but not really ever been there through all the thick of it either). We had mixed reactions.  One said that they didn't understand why we would even consider it.  One said 'great for you, you're so brave.'  One accused me of wanting to do it only to garner sympathy for myself as a victim and to rub salt in my husband's wounds.  Another said they 'whatever- your life, your decision.'

It hurt to find those closest to us not willing to just support us in whatever we chose to do, no questions asked, and it felt like a little foreboding of what may come.

So DH said "let me go to the temple and pray about what to do because that is the only way I am going to be able to think clearly about this."
My heart leapt with joy that he came to that on his own.  I knew that I had prayerfully considered what to do and gotten my answer but that he needed to receive his for himself but needed to make the decision on how to do so himself.

He woke at an insanely early hour to visit the temple before going to work.  When he returned from work that day he heaved a big sigh but his face was alight and said "I'll do it."  We were both overcome with the same feeling that if we could trust in the Lord to take care of us and let it all work out okay then it would.  We were in agreement that there is so much misunderstanding, within the world and even within our church, about pornography and addiction and the harm it can do and the way it twists reality when you don't even think it will....that only bringing it out of the shadows and educating others could provide real hope for any change on a larger scale outside our own home.  We were terrified and excited all at once.  (I was still very much concerned with figuring out how much weight I could quickly lose in a week's time so I wouldn't be so embarrassed to be seen)  I felt hurt and stung by the implication from another that I had somehow sought out this opportunity as a chance to wave some 'woe is me' flag and so I spent a lot of time on my knees to confirm where my heart truly was.

Thus began some three or more hour long telephone conversation with the associate producer for the Anderson Cooper talk show.  I answered all her questions and told her as much detail as I could (and more than I ever really thought I would to a stranger) about our marriage, pornography, my views about both, how I found out about the problem, his recovery journey, our relationship now, my past etc.  I found that it was impossible for me to share our story without sharing a lot of gospel principles to me and a lot of testimony.  I told her all about the church's ARP program and the role it had played.  I told her we were doing good but that, yes, there were definitely still some trust issues to be worked out.  To someone who hasn't been there I guess a year of sobriety seems like so long you shouldn't even be talking about it anymore and that you are just punishing the sinner if you are.  I feel like having been there I see how quickly that year went by, while dragging on all the same, and how it took that long to even process some of the emotions and issues that arose.  A year is nothing.  A year of sobriety is something to celebrate but nothing to close the deep wounds and establish new and lasting healthier behaviors and patterns of interaction.  We felt like newlyweds minus the passion who were trying to figure out how to safely be intimate with one another again.  That is hard on a marriage.  Trust issues are hard.  So we discussed all this while I hid in my room.  And his hands shook as he took the phone from me to tell his side of the story to the person on the phone while I fed the kids dinner in the other room.  I believe that was one of the hardest things he had done.
When I got back on the phone with the woman she told me that we were possibly 'too well off' for what they were wanting for the show.  They were going to have experts on the show to help some people and she wasn't sure if we needed any more help (ha! I thought).  She thanked me for our time and told me how much she felt she had learned and that her eyes had really been opened to some things that she hadn't even thought of before.  She would get back to us shortly after having the meeting with the other producers to go over the plan for the show and we would go from there.

And that was the end of it.  Just as quickly as it had come it had ended.  We didn't go to NYC and we weren't on a national talk show.  She sent an email a little later saying the show had been postponed because of a family emergency she had and that she'd get back to us.  We never heard anything.  Our counselor felt awful for having put us through the stress of making that decision.  I told him there was no need.  In the end, it was just what I'd needed.  You see, that was the point when I realized this was real.  That was the point where I saw my husband's humility, his sobriety, and his willingness to do anything to rid his life of this beast.  That was the moment our trust began to be repaired in a way it hadn't yet been able to.  Can I say that we are now back to pre-addiction bliss?  No.  That is a fantasy that never existed.  I can say that he is a changed man, and I am a changed (and still desperately changing) individual and our marriage is so much stronger for it.  Although we never had to follow through with that 'sacrifice' or with making that scary step of becoming so public, I do believe that we both needed that experience of determining our willingness to do so and that it changed both of us.

the truth of the matter.

Please be patient with me as I try to work through some feelings I am having.  You know when you can feel something gnawing at you and you know it has something to do with your foul mood, but you don't know what that is precisely?  I have some ideas of mine (that have to do with things other than the kids fighting all day or the lack of sleep last night because of kids waking me up etc) but I need to write to sort it out.

First, I think it's okay to not feel perfect or perfectly okay with things all the time.  I think it's important to be honest about your feelings.  This is something I have felt strongly about all my life.  Maybe because I didn't get enough validation of my feelings and I was seeking it?  I don't know.  I do know that I have found myself greatly blessed at times because of my willingness to not always paint a perfect picture of my life.  There is good and there is bad and I'm willing to bet your life is that way too.  Being realistic doesn't make me pessimistic.  On the contrary, I've felt quite content and happy and just plain 'good' for the last while.  Does that mean there haven't been the moments of struggle amidst those?  Absolutely not.  But really, I've been good and I've felt uplifted and empowered and like I have really just been doing the absolutely very best I can with what I can.  So I guess when I was excited about having lost a couple pounds after a couple of weeks of gaining little bits (which is expected when you're putting on muscle and hard even when you're losing inches), I felt a bit defensive when someone else's response was "I've noticed your attitude was a lot better this last week as well."  Okayyyyy.  First, this implied to me that my attitude had not been good previously, something that I felt quite differently about.  Second, it implied that my lack of weight loss was attributed to a bad attitude.  What if my bad attitude was because of a lack of weight loss?  Or what if I was having a hard time because I wasn't sleeping well and there are countless studies about that making it harder to lose weight and then what if I finally had a week of good sleep, in which I of course then felt better?  What am I to do?  This statement made has really bothered me.  I realize this means I probably need to confront the person who said it.  I'm not really sure how to go about doing that.

Along the same lines... One of the things I love about Beachbody is the fact that they do emphasize a lot of personal development.  They really push that for you to be successful in your change for a healthier lifestyle you need to have a full-bodied approach to it and work to change the inside as well.  I think this is fantastic.  My trouble lies in my religious beliefs and experiences.  There is a lot of push for reading personal development books.  What are your thoughts on this?  By personal development books I think of the ones like "7 Habits... " etc.  I feel like if I am going to be focusing on personal development I need to be doing so through the scriptures and through church-provided ARP resources.  I feel like there's an easy in for Satan through that channel and that I've encountered a lot of people who heavily promote those kind of books but then are so ego-centric.  I need humility to change....but my humility also tells me I need help and is the help in those books??  I know I am in a vulnerable place and I don't want to get caught up in pushes for 'this effective habit' or 'that method of success' that will detract from the need to focus on my Savior as my source of strength and change...because I know that is so easy to do and I know that it would detract me even from focusing inwardly on myself even though that sounds contradictory to what a self-help book would do.  Does that make any sense?  Like I would find myself focusing on following some outlined steps or habits and living up to some worldly set standard rather than listening for personal revelation and simply reading church materials.  I know there is a quote about reading the Book of Mormon being the best way for an individual to change.  Then I think, am I just resisting this because it is different for me and the addict in me doesn't want me to change?  I guess I feel confused and so alone in this thought process about it.  And pressured to feel differently, which leaves me even more confused.  At the same time,  I know that as a wife dealing with my husband's addiction and with trying to understand my relationship in it, there were books that helped me tremendously and that I would not have been able to reach my state of healing without.  With the exception of Healing the Shame that Binds You (which was recommended to me by my therapist as a means of understanding my husband but which I highly recommend to anyone), they were all books that dealt specifically with pornography addiction or some facet of that.  They were much more specific.  They weren't about how to be successful or purposeful or whatnot.

What else?

I feel like I have something very special and specific to give but I don't know what it is.  I don't know if I'm missing it, distracted by other things, or if it just isn't my time.  I have thoughts about things I should or need to write about and then I don't because I don't take the time or I let myself get distracted by other things.  That or I question if it 'fits' (which is silly since I'm still not sure whether I should write more of my experience recovering from food addiction or as the wife of a recovered sex addict or if I should not worry about distinguishing between the two, in which case there is no need to determine if it 'fits').  I am so inspired by some of the other blogs or articles I read or I sometimes read some and think just how very much I can relate because I was there and am so grateful to not be there...and I want so desperately to provide those people with some real hope.  I want to be an instrument in the Lord's hands but I don't know how or if it just isn't the right time.  I pray about it and get no real answer.  Maybe I'm praying about the wrong thing.  Maybe I'm not being patient enough.  I know that I have been given some very special counsel in the past that told me I would be a light in the darkness for many and that I needn't worry about what should be said at the time because it would come to me.... I want so badly to fulfill that (I felt so fulfilled in that respect as a sponsor and when I was facilitating the PASG meetings) because I want to please my Heavenly Father and because I know how 'right' it feels for me.  I hope that this blog does that somewhat for even a few out there.  I know that it has seen an incredible number of visitors (over 1000 hits in less than a month) but I don't know much about many of you and how I can help you because I don't hear from many.  I want to help.  If you don't feel comfortable leaving a comment or if you have a question or a post suggestion that you'd rather not leave in a comment I beg you to email me at halabilly {at} gmail {dot} com.  I don't say any of this because I seek the praises of the world.  I have to catch myself to make sure that isn't where my motivation is.  I just feel desperately like I have something to give or some mission I can fulfill that I am just falling short of recognizing or realizing and I need that.  For me.

There is more.... it has to do with how triggered I am feeling right now, how I am struggling with the stresses of summer on my marriage, how I just ate a bag of cookies without realizing it- even if they were 'clean' ones I made from scratch myself, how things are good and not all at once, how I miss my mom, how the kids really drove me crazy today and I felt like I went back in time to about 3 years ago---which then makes me a little crazy because sometimes those things are also symptoms of some behind-the-scenes-not-so-good-behavior going on...which then can trigger you to be crazy and feel like you need to check and recheck and question trust....or they can just be symptoms of the fact that you're human and living a life....and the questioning of it all makes you a little crazy in itself and leaves you a little wondering if it's really going to always be this way even though you know that in a moment of sanity you feel like it's maybe not and that if it is you at least have a good relationship with your Savior to keep you grounded and rooted.......

summa-summa-summa-summatime

Dang, I feel like it's been forever since I blogged.  Having the kids home from school just plain throws all schedules crazy.  Prior to that, I had a cah-ray-zay week preparing for my great-grandma's 100th birthday party.  I had some stuff thrown on me last minute that required a whole lot more time than I think anyone even still realizes and I still needed to attempt to keep my house in order for company coming.  That was a sort of up and down week as I did catch myself falling into old behaviors of hyperfocusing and not eating.  However, I am proud to report that I caught on to that and forced myself to eat regularly and to devote time to self-care and exercise before it got too out of hand.  I was a bit disappointed in how far it went but I reminded myself that this is a journey and I am still progressing toward perfection, toward making my stumbling blocks my strengths.  Having my accountability group most definitely kept me from falling down into that spiral of starving/binging or stress eating because I had somewhere I needed to report to each night and real people to whom I was committed to being accountable to.

So that was a couple of weeks ago.  I took a day at the beginning of last week to recover from it all and then I set to having summer with my children.  I found myself actively engaging in their lives and being present in the moments.  In summers past we would have an outing once a week and that would generally be my limit for all the effort it took or because I just didn't want to be in public.  I don't know if it is that they are older or if it is the change in me, or if it was just a fluke week.... But we literally went somewhere every single day and it was my idea. We had a grand time visiting the park, the library, a warehouse sale, going out to lunch, spending the afternoon at the waterpark, going to the farmer's market, shopping and more.  Every night was one of those nights where I felt 'done' but in a glorious way.  I had decided I was going to really give my efforts an extra push in my workouts and my eating.  I did it and it felt good to stick to that.  I'm sure eating all that healthy food helped my energy and moods also.  Still, I felt like I was different.

I do need to report something big.  Remember when I said I would make it up that hill on my bike by the end of the summer?  I did it!  On Saturday.  DH had said a few weeks earlier "I don't see why you can't get up it now. I bet you could if you really tried."  It was enough to get me thinking.  I didn't make it up the hills on the triathlon in one fell swoop.  Most of the ladies' took a breather here and there.  So who was to say I couldn't get to the top if I just took some time along the way to catch my breath?  So that's precisely what I did.  I'll have to blog about that separately just because it was it's own accomplishment and boy did I have Satan putting those thoughts in my head.  Nevertheless, I made it!

So, guess what that means?  It means I took the plunge and I registered for IronGirl. Oh man, I got such crazy jitters and nerves for it that I had to distract myself right away.  I'm scared and nervous and excited all at once.  The best part though was when I told DH what I had done.  His face lit up just the way that it did watching our children take their first steps.  I wish I'd had a camera ready to capture that look because I'm convinced it will get me through any difficulty in training or in completing the race come race day.  I can do hard things....but it is the support of others, including my Heavenly Father, that gives me that ability.  There was another reason to me signing up for IronGirl on Monday.  It was the day after Father's Day.  For me, that means it was the anniversary of D-Day (discovery of my husband's addiction & when I asked him to leave) in our household.  I've had a lot of projects lately that have required going back through old photos or our 'history' and I've realized how much of my personal spiral of weight and whatnot really was tied to that D-Day and the time since.  It has been 3 years since that day.  So much has happened in that time.  I felt like I wanted to mark the day differently and mark it as my own rebirth somehow now, because it was what I needed.  I thought about how I feel jealous of the commitment of new moms to immediately get their pre-baby bodies back.  How 'if only' I'd done this sooner I wouldn't have been like this for so long.  How I've had it in me all along.  And yet, I know that I needed that time to get to this point.  Some people have big a-ha moments that solidify their testimonies.  For me, I have always received revelation and had my testimony built up line upon line and through small confirming signs that just sort of all add up for me.  I've always been that way.  When I prayed about whether marrying DH was the right thing for me to do, I didn't get some 'yes' answer.... I got several smaller answers that added up to a confirmed 'yes'.  It must be how I learn.  That is why I have to be easy on myself for allowing myself to be fat so long, for allowing myself to listen to others' voices instead of my own, for letting the negativity in, for feeling defeatist.  I can see now that I needed to take that journey deep into the dark abyss to get to the heart of it all, to be broken to the core, to feel myself being rebuilt to be stronger, only to then have the imperfect parts chipped away.  I know that it is a slow process and how quickly the last 3 years have passed when it seemed they never would helps me be more patient with myself.  It feels merciful.  I started multiple times in the last 3 years to lose the weight or to change my habits or to make myself better.  I am better in many ways.  However, the major change in my addictive behaviors requires a lot more effort and attention than I would have had the energy for in that time. I needed the life experiences to teach me things and show me my own strength and character along the way.  

Of course after making a major commitment and feeling like I'd reached a new and positive step in my journey, I would have to face a setback.  That's the way it goes right?  No sooner had I taken the photos below than I suddenly found myself stuck on my living room floor.  Turns out I pulled a muscle in my back, maybe two.  So this week has been far different from last.  My sweet children have been wonderful and largely cared for themselves.  My older children have been taking care of giving the youngest his breathing treatments since he has been sick.  They've brought me food in bed, get well cards, and not destroyed the house while I slept away the days.  Even just half a muscle relaxer completely knocks me out.  I finally got to do a little workout again today.  I wasn't sure if it would be okay or not but I could feel that pull.... that 'ease' of lying around....that little wagging finger of the dark side saying 'it's ok...just come hang out here for a while'.  So far, I'm still mobile (wasn't there for awhile).  It can be so depressing to have your body take such a far step backward but I'm confident that as the injury heals I will be able to give it my all again and the strength will quickly return.  That's how life is isn't it?

I'm pretty sure I was going to write more or I was going to go back and reread this to make sure it all flowed correctly.  At this point I'm just going to post it and be done with it.  I keep getting interrupted and I have children calling my name to make dinner.  So I suppose if it sounds a little strange I can just blame it on that, or on the pain pills that may still be in my system.  ;)  Hope you are all doing fabulously!  

scratch that

There's a reason you should generally weigh at consistently the same time and on the same day of the week.  Your body just fluctuates so much.  Monday is my normal day for that so I decided to go ahead just in case it was better than yesterday.  It was.  I did gain .4 lbs this week but that's not bad, especially since I lost 5.25" this week.  Seriously.  Can you believe it?  That's actually my biggest loss of inches in a single week yet.
So overall I'm at having gotten rid of 4.2 pounds and 13.25 inches since starting the challenge group on April 29th.  That I can live with.

I did my first day of the Push Circuit for ChaLean Extreme today.  LOVED it!  I nearly cried a couple of times and I said a lot of bad words in my head.  I think I yelled a couple of times too.  But taking those stats and pictures that made me cry yesterday lit a fire under me and I was determined to really push myself during this Push phase of the program.  So I did.  My muscles were tired and felt shaky afterward but I felt amazing.  Seriously.  Like a total high.  Better than any food is going to get me.  Also, I felt incredibly strong because I was lifting weights as heavy as Chalene Johnson or her sister Jenelle Summers- fitness professionals.  Maybe they don't really lift that.  Maybe they do it in the video to make you feel better.  If that's the case it worked. ;)  I did a strength training class in college and today I was doing bicep curls at the same weight I recall doing them back then.  I should find that paper I had where I recorded all that.  There is a mental power to feeling physically strong... especially when you feel like people look at you and see someone who is weak.  Do you do that when you see someone who is overweight?  You don't know what's really in there.



Also, just an FYI-  Beachbody is having a killer sale this week only.  I'm thinking I might just load up on a few things.  I know some people who really love TurboFire and the Energy & Endurance that are half off.

And a final note.... I remembered that summer is upon us.  How could I forget right? Well, I remembered that summer is typically a very difficult time in our household.  My husband's line of work means that summer is pretty stressful and that tends to spill over at home.  He was better about it last year.  We did, however, receive some news that means this year will be particularly stressful at work.  It is a trigger for him and it is a trigger for me.  Sometimes we feel like we need to celebrate come September just having survived a summer together.  Sometimes I feel like moving away for just the summer.  It is also when the big bam 'D-Day' occurred 3 years ago.  3 years? Really?  Has it been that long?  I'll have to double-check that, but, yes, I do believe so.  Even still.  It got me to thinking that I am glad that I know I have a support network and some plans in place that will help me get through the summer.  I'm glad that I have a place to stay accountable when I am tempted by stress eating.  I am glad that I honestly don't even feel those cravings as bad anymore and that I can tell there is a deeper, more lasting, change going on within me.  I don't have to dread this summer.  I have something to look forward to.

a realization

I've noticed a theme among the last few days.  That's the good thing about writing things down.  I've been triggered by stressors (I hadn't yet mentioned either that DH had also just received an iPhone from work, and been told an iPad was come- even if he has been clean 2 1/2 years that can still raise concerns), worried about medical stuff, and feeling tired because I haven't slept well.  These have all added up to feeling oh so very tempted and worn down.  Today it was still the same.  I just wanted to take a break from being mindful and start over tomorrow.  Even if I know there is that quote about how every second is a chance to start anew and we needn't put it off.  I am looking forward to starting fresh on Monday.  I am not looking forward to the fact that Monday is when we weigh in and take our measurements in the challenge group.

Then another thought occurred to me.  There is something more going on.  It is just about that time of the month.  It is the time before the time that is always very hard.  Where I feel tired, emotional, and want a lot of bad foods.  Realizing that much is empowering.  At least it is recognizing a pattern.  I read a blog tonight that mentioned how patterns are gifts from God.  They are teaching tools.  I'm not entirely sure what to do with the knowledge, but I have faith that I will figure it out.  Maybe the answers from the dr visits will actually help that.  I know it didn't used to be this difficult.  Maybe hormone levels have something to do with it.  I know that was suggested with DH and his addiction.  I know that white-knuckling it through pms doesn't work. Maybe that's what I started out trying to do and why I feel so tired and worn down now.  What I do know is that seeing a pattern helps me realize that I am not the problem.  It gives me hope that I am not doomed to just be like this- doing well for so long and then being seemingly smacked with a slip up and temptations galore that seem out of nowhere.  I don't feel so tempted to throw in the towel knowing that there are others in the group who have been struggling with the same feeling, even people who are having unbelievable success, and realizing that I am not flawed.  I realize these are thoughts of an addict- thinking that somehow I am an exception to the miracles of the Atonement and the ability to change.  So now I guess the next step is figuring how a plan of attack, a way to success (that doesn't involve white knuckles) knowing the pattern before me.

scale

I hopped on the scale this morning just because I am used to weighing in on Saturdays now. Also, I am starting my ChaLean Extreme workout program/schedule today so I wanted to have a baseline for that specifically. I'm pumped.

I started in the accountability and challenge group on Monday. I started 30 minutes of exercise that day- jogging or biking because I was waiting on my program and those are what I felt like doing. I started drinking Shakeology on Wednesday when it arrived. As of today, Saturday, I am down 2.5 lbs. that's every bit that I gained in my time between P90X and now when I was struggling to get refocused after being sick and also going on vacation for a week. I can't tell you how thrilled I am about that. I know that it will fluctuate from time to time because weight does that, especially when adding muscle. However, it's awesome to be back at that benchmark for starting my neck workout phase because I feel like then I can really get a sense of the difference between the two, for me, and also see the difference Shakeology can make for me. 

gratitude and hope.

My biggest hesitation with any 'diet' program has always been whatever cost is associated with it. Some of them are pretty pricey.  The large cost was actually part of my commitment when I did Nutrisystem.  When you can barely afford it, you'd better make it worth your while.

Well, that's how I was feeling about the Shakeology investment.  I really wanted to be a part of a group and community that would give me support as well as accountability...and that would do so without judgment.  Part of the challenge group, though, is replacing a daily meal with Shakeology.  It's a big investment.  However, I have over the years read oh so many an article about this nutrient or that supplement and their health benefits as well as benefits to weight loss.  I remember commenting to DH that 'wouldn't it be nice if there was just one of those magic drinks that had all those amazing magic foods in it'?  Seriously, I said that.  Years ago. I didn't realize that Shakeology really did have all those foods I was referring to in it.  It already existed.  Anywho....I've been drinking protein shakes for a while.  I've sampled cleanses and supplements and protein shakes from most of those major companies out there.  Honestly, I love the Isagenix Cleanse for Life and I did notice a difference daily when I took it.  I even had to fight my son to not let him drink big glasses of it every day because he loved it so much too.  But I really hate the way the company is set up and how difficult it is to just get product.  And their shakes and supplements?  Gag me with a spoon.  I am a huge fan of Chris Powell so I jumped on his Bod-e line with Vemma.  I was convinced it was going to be my missing link.  Truth be told, the shake (vanilla and chocolate) was 'okay'.  It needed something added to it and I had to drink it pretty quickly but I did enjoy it.  There's this weird aftertaste, almost like it has jalapenos in it.  I dunno.  They have a 7 day cleanse product that I did really like.  I noticed a real difference in my energy and focus when taking it (you have to go a week between each weekly course at minimum).  However, I had an awful experience with their customer service and will seriously never go back as a result.  I felt completely betrayed as a customer and don't feel I can trust them with my business.

So, here I am waiting for my Shakeology to arrive.  I got curious after reading about major success with digestion, migraine, mood, and other issues.  I want DH to try it because, let's just say, there's a long family history of digestion issues for he and his family.  It would be so wonderful to have something that completely turned things around for them.  I am anxious to try it, yes, because I want to see if it does make a difference with the weight loss...but also because I'm curious if it will help with my allergies.  It has reportedly great effects on inflammation.  So that got me to thinking that maybe it would give me some allergy relief.  Seriously, I am so desperate.  I'm allergic to everything in the air and I'm allergic to over half the allergy medications out there.  It gets so old not being able to breathe out your nose or having to hide in your house and shower twice a day on windy days.  This year has been particularly bad, leaving me wheezy and needing my rescue inhaler on really windy days.  So, that's what I'm out to investigate for myself.  I would consider it a miracle if it does provide me relief but I'm willing to give it a go.  Yes, I've tried local bee pollen.  That doesn't seem to make a dent either.

I am feeling extremely hopeful and enthusiastic about this whole challenge group and Shakeology thing.  Not just because the enthusiasm of others' is contagious.  It's because I feel really genuinely supported in it.  I worried and prayed about the cost.  I even went to the temple as I shared previously.  I thought about it for a long while.  It was like the Lord just needed me to make the decision, to show that willingness and commitment, and He began opening the Heavens to show me of His support and acknowledgment.  We received an influx of orders for our Etsy shop like never before.  That first month's investment is totally covered in just those, which is considered extra income for us because we never know how busy we will be.  I am so very grateful.  I feel like it was His way of saying "You got this."  I'm committed to it and really giving it a full effort.  What I ordered was a new workout, just for a change even though I love me some P90X, and the Shakeology.  I have enough of that for a month to see if it makes a real difference.  I already know what a difference a Beachbody program can make without it.  I am having faith, and I am full of it and hope, that it is the right thing and that the future expense of it will work itself out because I know I have the Lord on my side.  I just cannot express what a feeling that is to really feel and know it.  I've felt it before when going through a really difficult time in my life.  I'm sad, and human, to say that I let that intense feeling fade away into the shuffle of the craziness of life.  I'm immensely grateful to have it back.  It fills me with hope and gladness.

2012.

We began 2012 with a notice on our door.

You see, we loved our house and our ward and our incredible neighbors.  We had prayed about being in this home and felt strongly it was where we would and should raise our children. We went through many obstacles and struggles in an attempt to keep it our home after some unexpected financial situations arose.  We were able to get a loan modification that helped us greatly.  We felt grateful and blessed.  However, when the final papers came in that would make it all legal and official, the payment amounts were hundreds of dollars more than what we’d been paying and what we’d been told would be our new ‘official’ payment.  As we struggled with what to do we took a hard look at our desire to live honestly in all our dealings.  We admitted to ourselves, and our bank, that we could no longer afford to live in our home that we so loved.  So we stopped the payments and we put it up for sale, hoping to find a buyer who would rent it back to us, allowing us to stay there as we dreamed.  We found a buyer and rejoiced.  We were saved!  Our prayers were answered! The notice came anyway.  The bank would not consider our short sale and an auction date had been set.  We were heartbroken.  Isn’t this where the Lord had told us we should raise our family?  We maintained we would keep a positive attitude.  After all, we’d had a rough couple of years as a family and were anxious to have a fresh start.  We’d already made some positive changes in our home, maybe a physical change was the next step in starting over?  That didn't change the ache of leaving our neighbors of 4 years, our children’s best friends, or the daunting feeling of moving right after Christmas.

So two weeks later another notice arrived.  I won’t ever forget that day.  It was just after K’s birthday- he had his annual well-check that day.  I saw the notice as I left that morning.  The house had been sold at auction.  We were to call the number listed to find out what to do.  This was really happening.  I was told by realtor friends that we would have 30 days to move out.  That would give us time to find a new place (we were already looking on the sly, trying not to clue the children in until we knew what was going on) and to pack up.  So DH called the number listed while I took both of the Ks to K’s appointment.  After the appointment I went to drive by some homes that a friend had told me about for rent.  I spoke with DH in between- we had two weeks to be out of our house.  He’d tried to bargain with them but it was to no avail.  Even with young children at home.  Two weeks to find a place to live, pack up, and be moved out!  So I’m on my way to look at this house for rent when I get rear-ended.  Talk about a crappy day.  The Ks are completely freaked out, but thankfully fine.  I’m grateful it wasn’t my fault.  As I’m walking around my suburban, that was hit by a giant truck so now I’m can’t open my back doors at all, I realize I’m super nauseous and dizzy.  As someone who’s already had 4 concussions, I know what that means.  Not to mention the whiplash.  Super.  Just what I need.  So now I have 2 weeks to pack and move into a house that I have yet to find, with a busted vehicle, concussion, and bad back.  I seriously couldn’t get out of bed the next day.  I truly had to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Otherwise I was afraid I wouldn’t stop crying.  Well, I felt very strongly that we needed to go ahead with touring the home we’d planned to that night even though I’d only gotten out of the ER an hour or so before.  At this point we finally had to tell the kids what was going on.  I was up front and honest with the homeowners about what was going on with our current home, and about the accident I’d just been in since moving around was a bit difficult.  We had looked at some 20+ homes already.  When we walked into that house that night, we knew.  That is how we ended up in the house we are now renting.  My heart was full as friends and family helped pack and move us.  I cried about not having best friends next door.  People who had truly been angels and saviors in our lives.  I cried to withdraw my students from a great school.  I cried to leave the ward that I had grown up in as a youth myself.  I cried to leave our bishop, who had become our counselor, friend, confidant- and who was a major part of saving our marriage.  I was anxious for a fresh, new, start.  I was also terrified.

Then we went to church that first Sunday in our new ward and I knew all would be well.  I was greeted by many who made me feel right at home.  The landlords had told us that it was a great, friendly ward with a lot of kids the same age as ours- that was a big draw.  What they couldn’t have known was that there were friends of my mom’s from each home I’d lived in who were in this ward.

The school situation was an adjustment.   No surprise, P slid right in and made a new friend right away.  She did have some trouble with bullying by some girls who kicked her out of their group when she stood up to them for intentionally messing up the chalk drawings done by other students.  I was sad for her to learn that lesson but so very proud of her for standing up for what was right.  Little did I know what a lesson she was teaching me at that time.  She didn’t let it get to her too much and in no time had made more friends and felt right at home.  W had a harder time.  His new teacher was a very difficult one and not a good fit for him.  We had been incredibly blessed with his last one and I would have driven him there daily if only they had allowed me.  I did try but they wouldn’t consider it because of overcrowding.  He was having frequent migraines and his reading level was dropping.  I fought my way all the way to our assistant superintendent but to no avail.  I kept W involved because I wanted him to know I was concerned for him and would do all I could to help him, but that I also needed him to do his best in class as well.  After speaking with his pediatrician and with a good friend who lobbies for the school district, we decided that pulling him out of school for the remainder of the year would be better than his staying in with frequent stress and migraines.  I told him this and that I would be willing to homeschool him.  It was a hard decision on all our parts but I feel like he just needed to see that I was willing to do that for him.  His confidence seemed to improve after that and he made some friends in his new scout group.  He figured out his teacher a little better and how to not take her so personally, and he decided to go ahead and stick out the year in school.  I finally got them to listen to me about his abilities (and the fact that he was not reading at a first grade level like his teacher was trying to tell me, but rather a fifth grade one) and he was able to test for GATE and get started right away.  All these things helped him remember what a great student he was and he finished out the year beautifully.  K2 had to switch his speech therapy teachers as well but we could immediately tell what a blessing that would be as his new teacher has been fantastic for him and he made immediate strides.

As a family, we all felt overwhelmed by the love and welcoming arms of our new ward family.  Treats arrived welcoming us.  Parents quickly helped figure out what kids were the same age so friends could be made.  There is a park next door to our school, which we can easily walk to and from each day, and we soon found ourselves right at home with the others as we stayed after school to play and visit awhile.  What a blessing!

It’s funny how you can feel so blessed and yet have such a hard time all the same.  It was a few months after our move that I started really missing people.  I hadn’t seem my family for a while so I missed them.  I’d tried to arrange for us to get together over an overlapping spring break weekend halfway between our homes, but they cancelled.  I still talked to and occasionally saw my former neighbor, but it just wasn’t the same as having her right next door where we’d chat outside nearly every day.  K2 had had MRSA so we had either been stuck at home for a couple of weeks or at dr appt after appt trying to get the poor sore cleaned out without doing actual surgery.  I’d gotten out of the house finally for a book club craft night, only to find myself feeling incredibly uncomfortable with conversation going on.  Not wanting to make a scene but also desperately wanting now to be home, I quietly left.  I felt worn down, and so alone.  I remember how alone I felt but I also remember how much I felt my Savior there beside me, supporting me, and praising me….and how close I felt to my husband as I knew that we were going through hard things but doing so together and as very best friends who had been greatly strengthened and brought nearer to each other and to our Savior together.  I had been serving as a women’s support group facilitator for a group with the church’s addiction recovery program.  It had been a tremendous blessing and life support for me….but I had to stop going at this same time and turn the role over to another because of a new calling I had received in the ward.  I felt so blessed to see the journey I (we) had made over the last year or two and where we were now.  I felt so blessed to have this fresh start before us but it overwhelmed me all the same.  It was an adjustment.  It was a change.  Change can be, and often is, good.  Change is also hard.

When we looked forward to our move with a hope of fresh starts, we had no idea what we were really getting in to.  After my feelings of exhaustion and loneliness, I made a bit of a vent on facebook.  It was nothing more than a vent but some took it to heart and found offense where none was intended.  Before I knew it, I found one of my very best friends from my youth sending me hurtful and painful emails detailing everything wrong with me, and taking a stab at literally every aspect of my life.  I had made the hard decision to say something about something that was bothering me.  I thought I had clarified it in a way that would make it clear that I meant no personal attack, but merely a stating of a decision I had made and a desire for everyone to be better- figuring we could all agree on that even if we respectfully held different opinions on other things.  I have always figured friends could agree to disagree and still respect and love one another.  However, I could no longer ignore that voice in my head constantly saying “Dare to stand alone” or “stand in holy places“.  I found myself being reminded of my sweet daughter who said to her new friends, “I don’t think that’s a good idea” and holding her head high after they said she couldn’t be in their club any more.  I thought of the primary children I had just been called to teach about choosing the right.  I thought of the pain I had endured and the questions I had faced, soul searching I had done, as my marriage hung on a thread while Satan had ever so slyly weaseled his way into our home.  I didn’t want that for any of my friends, and I certainly didn’t want that again for myself or my family.  So it was that I said what I would and would not allow in my home or in my life.  So it was that I suddenly found myself in one of the hardest situations of my life.  So it was that I lost my entire social circle in seemingly one fell swoop.  I never thought I would have to be in that sort of a situation as an adult.  I certainly never thought that it would go the way that it would.  We so often think that we will be blessed right away for “standing for truth and righteousness” and for choosing the better part.  Losing my best friend, losing my book club, losing my girls’ night outs….certainly didn’t feel like a blessing.  I was sad and angry and hurt for a long time.  At some point I realized that I was grieving like the loss of a loved one who has left this life.  I prayed for help and direction and for the negative feelings to be taken away.  I didn’t want it to be as hard as it was.  I didn’t understand why it was as hard as it was when I had done something right.  As I prayed, the only response I would get would be an overwhelming assurance that I did the right thing and that it would be ok.  Satan is tricky though and that feeling wouldn’t stay for long.  I don’t recall how long it was but eventually the feelings faded and I found my courage, and myself, again.

It started when my visiting teacher showed up on my doorstep.  She had come to bring me a treat and to apologize for not being a ‘better visiting teacher’ because she hadn’t really come yet to visit and bring a message.  I don’t know what came over me but I was feeling especially honest and had just been praying about how I’d felt about this lost friendship.  I suddenly just spilled my guts to this poor visiting teacher.  I just told her what I needed.  I shared with her what had just happened with my social life and that I didn’t really need someone to come by and bring me a spiritual message out of a sense of duty.  I said, quite frankly, I just need a friend.  You know what?  She was an answer to my prayers that night.  She then told me about a playgroup and a book club and just sort of about the social life of the women in the ward.  She made an effort to make sure I knew about those things I could be involved in and she did it out of love.  What a blessing!  So I found myself back in a book club (I’ve still been in my mom’s old book club, which is a total blast, but scheduling has made it hard to attend often this past year), and back to hanging out at the park with moms while the kids played and just plain feeling right at home again.  I knew that was my Heavenly Father’s little way of letting me know that He hadn’t forgotten me and hadn’t left me in just the company of my husband and family (which are fantastic, don’t get me wrong).

That was the spring/summer.  I had many other instances over the summer where I found myself overwhelmed by love and support from sources other than those I would have expected it from.  I found them as blessings after having again to stand up for myself or my family when it was hard.  I have been open and honest with my children as we have gone through various situations and I am amazed at their maturity and ability to empathize.  We have grown even closer as a family.  We are so blessed!

Now as the year has drawn to a close, I have reflected much on where the year has taken us.  I have absolutely loved my calling at church, one I was really hesitant about at first, and I have made great friendships as a result of it.  I get to work with some of the best people and I have the example and strength of the children to lift me up.  I am deeply in love with and proud of my husband.  And I mean that.  I have seen the work of the Atonement through him and I have seen how our natures really can be changed by applying it and by hard work on our part. That is my hope for myself in 2013.  W has been blessed with the most amazing teacher for him and has just completely blossomed.  I’ve even been impressed and surprised.  I never thought he would come out of his shell as much as he has- especially with the parents he has!   P has made some really great friends, without having to sacrifice any of who she is.  Our new home has a separate room in the garage that has become DH’s woodshop.  He has ‘found’ himself there and uncovered a talent and hobby that took off largely because of some people in our new ward.  I am convinced that he would not be where he is today were it not for that little room of his and the support and encouragement of people who like his stuff.

If you’ve made it this far, I’m pretty impressed.  I’m almost done, I promise.  

I just have to share what happened a few weeks ago.

Some time between my birthday and the middle of December I started feeling sad again.  I wasn’t really sure why.  Was it that I was missing my mom?  I always do this time of year, but that wasn’t quite it.  Was something ‘off’ at home?  No, not really.  I was feeling quite content in my life of crafting and mothering and I wasn’t having any of those ‘I’ve got to get out for a girls’ night!’ feelings.  No, I really had nothing to feel particularly bleh about.  I talked with DH and then a couple of things occurred to me.  I’d been struggling with again allowing those negative thoughts of hurt and sadness about what happened earlier in the year.  Thoughts of this friend kept coming to mind.  Not that I was wishing anything bad on her or anything like that.  Nothing of the sort in fact.  Just general thoughts that then brought back that sadness and sort of those grief feelings I guess.  Then DH reminded me how much we would often do together this time of year.  Isn’t it funny how once you pinpoint the source of a negative feeling you can feel such a burden lifted?  Well, that’s how I felt so I knew that was it.  On top of that, there was the usual stress of finances around the holidays.  I had been applying for jobs here and there for months.  I wanted badly to pay off all our debts as a surprise gift to DH for Christmas.  This was a sincere desire of my heart, to be debt free and to contribute to some extra for the kids to actually participate in extracurricular activities and just to have some extra money.  I knew that I would be blessed with this because it was the sincere desire of my heart but I also knew that I desperately wanted to be home with my children and have truly been loving my role at home.  So I’ve been so torn about this.

Anyway, I’ll be honest with you….I’m not particularly good at consistent prayer.  Never have been.  I can testify to you up and down about the power of prayer and I have had some very powerful experiences with it.  But for whatever reason, I just suck at consistent personal prayer.  So once again I was on the bandwagon and feeling very grateful and humble.  I hopped back on the wagon for no reasons other than the fact that I knew this was something I needed in my life. I was seeing a difference in my life with daily personal prayer and my life without it.  I knew I needed it.  I am sure that many can relate with the financial struggles of our day. I looked at the math and, I don’t know about you but, we are truly getting poorer year by year.  Utility costs and grocery costs rise while our income stays the same.  That simply doesn’t add up.  I continue to cut corners wherever possible and I know I don’t always make the best of choices or I know some would say to give up date night (which is a whole different argument) or other things we enjoy.  Anyway, I will spare you all the philosophical thoughts on all this and get to this….

Remember that car accident that was a part of starting the year?  It totaled our car.  On the advice of people whose opinions we greatly trusted, I got a lawyer to handle all the insurance stuff.  I have prayed all year long for that case to just be done and over with so that I would know where we stood financially.  I’ve never been through this sort of thing before.  I have prayed all year for extra ways to earn extra money to make ends meet or for a little extra something.  A few weeks ago, as I was considering my reasons for feeling ‘off’ personally, I thought about Christmas and how I’d hoped to have the case settled by then to make Christmas extra special.  I thought about wanting to get things for the kids and make it the best Christmas ever because I was so proud of how they’d handled the year.  But I knew we weren’t in a position financially to do a whole lot.  So I was a little sad about that, but still very grateful, and I told my Heavenly Father that.

What happened in the next week was overwhelming.  We were invited to participate in a craft show.  I set a goal in my head of what we needed to earn from it to fully pay for everything I wanted to get for Christmas.  I had already been selling and buying things through a fb garage sale group and largely had it done but wanted a couple bigger things and something extra special for DH.  I knew that I wasn’t going to get anything because DH would be too stressed about money to spend any on me- and that was okay.  But I wanted to show my appreciation and gratitude to him and my kids.  I wanted them to feel as blessed as I did.  So this craft show…. We worked tirelessly and were blown away at the response.  What a great thing to work so hard and reap the benefits!  We felt so very blessed!  In that same week I finally got a call from a lawyer that there was an offer on the table from the insurance company in my case.  It would be enough to pay off our debt, or at least close to it.  It wouldn’t be in time for Christmas (in fact, I’m told it’s probably still a month or two out) but just knowing there was that light ahead… To top it all off, a friend contacted me out of the blue to tell me he wanted to give me a gift.  He is a photographer whom I have long admired.  I still don’t know or understand his reasoning for approaching me with such a wonderful gift, but he told me to choose an image of his for him to make me.  Just because.  I cried tears of gratitude.  I didn’t tell my children what happened because I wanted their dad to be able to give me the picture as a gift from Santa (because that’s truly what it felt like)….but W and P said something to me out of the blue later that day.  It seems that they too had been thinking about the year drawing to a close.  “Ever since we moved here magical things just keep happening.”  That is what they said.  What prompted it was laughing at the money found under my doormat after someone had picked up another item I’d sold on the garage sale group.  They were joking that the money magically appeared.  What they didn’t know was just how onto something they really were.  So we talked about it.  We remembered how hard the start of the year was.  We thought about how we all thought it was going to be a terrible and difficult year because of how those first couple of weeks went.  We thought about the hard decisions we had to make throughout the year and the blessings we received for choosing the right.  We felt humbled.  And grateful.  We talked about all the ‘magic’ we have seen since being here and we recognized that magic for what it is….miracles from our Heavenly Father…blessings….tender mercies.  And we were overwhelmed- P,  W and I- as we thought just how very much our Heavenly Father loves us to send us these things to let us know He loves us and is proud of us and wants us to be happy and feel at home.  From the answer to a prayer to the random act of kindness… from the offer of friendship to the cookies on the doorstep…. from the incredible teachers at school and church to the kids who just ‘click’ together…. from the reliable babysitter you can trust to leave your kids with overnight to the family in the ward who offers to take them overnight when they’ve only known you a few months….from the presidency members who steal you in the middle of the night for ice cream on an otherwise blah birthday to the random paper birthday balloons taped on your door in the morning…. from the etsy store and fb orders to the garage sale sales…. from the box of school supplies and wishes for a good year to the giant stuffed whale ‘just because’ left on the doorstep… from the following a prompting to the answering a call…. I don’t know who all of you are that have blessed our lives but I wish to thank you each and every one.  Some are angels I know by name but feel nonetheless overwhelmed with gratitude for them.  Some of you are still in secret but you know who you are.  I need you all to know that I am grateful for you.  I need you to know that you have been answers to prayers.  I need to thank you for being the magic in my children’s lives.  I want everyone to know that you can feel the stress of the financial worries of the world or of your home or the stress of health issues or the stress of addiction or pornography or contention or other troubles in the home…..But you can still feel an abundance of love and of gratitude and blessings.  I am not really sure how much you can without the help of others who, probably unknowingly, act as God’s hands & angels on earth.  I want to thank those of you who have been that for us.  I need to say how very strongly I have felt blessed in the last few weeks and how very strongly I have felt those blessings as a result of my Heavenly Father wanting to acknowledge my good choices and patience (which, believe me, is not a strong suit of mine).  I don’t say any of this to be as though I am on some sort of high horse or tooting horn for when I have made good choices.  Quite the contrary.  I feel so far from ‘right’ and yet so richly blessed that it overwhelms me almost the point of confusion.  Who am I to deserve so much?  I am grateful to each of you who have made that possible.  I am so grateful to each person who is patient and loving with me in my own imperfection.  What a learning experience this life is!  I hope that I can continue to grow and change for the better in 2013 and that my life will continue to be as richly blessed…. I hope that you will get to feel that in your own life and that I can pay forward a little of what I have received.  I have so much to improve upon (a major thing being consistency) and I feel I have done so much wrong or less than what is expected, and yet I can be so blessed and grateful?  There really aren't words to adequately describe but I hope that you get to experience a little of it.  You’ll probably have to go through some tough stuff to get there, as I know we have, but I can promise you it is worth it.  It is a taste of Heaven and joy and any task or trial is worth that.