Quick lil recap

I know that I haven't posted in far too long.  Suffice to say, it has been an up and down few months....pretty standard for life I think.  I did relapse for a bit I think but I was able to find support again and all is well.  Satan tried to get into my head and make me feel helpless, but I knew that wasn't true.  I know I'm not broken.  I know I'm not beyond help.  I know he just wants me to think that way.  My coach basically stopped coaching and my challenge group had ended and I felt like I was trying to coach some others while I was in desperate need of saving myself.  You can't help others and save others until you've helped yourself.

All is well now.

In fact, I'm pretty darn excited for 2014.

I'm starting up P90X3 and I'm beyond stoked to do this (30 minute) program and to complete it.  I have missed the structure of a program laid out for me.  I could have done better and stuck to another actual schedule after finishing ChaLean, but I used my triathlon training as an excuse.  (Oh yah.... I need to post about THAT.... I finished IronGirl!!!!!!!!!!).  In any case, it's going to be awesome and I'm ready to bring it.


I did the following post on FB tonight and felt it would be nice to just have the little recap here as well:
I wrote this in Feb: "Maybe these lousy results will help me be more focused and motivated with the prospect of being in a swimsuit at the end of this next month. It's either that or I feel it's pointless and doing no good and I should accept this really is the 'new me' from now on (these are the mind battles I have with myself). It occurs to me that this is how an addict feels- that their efforts are pointless, that they are defective human beings, that they can have a little bit of leeway and it won't make a big difference but they get upset when it adds up and does."

Then this at the end of April: "Today was the first day of the new challenge group I committed to participating in. It will be really great to have the accountability of a group to report to each and every day. I can't tell you how positive I feel about this...about it being 'right' for me...about having all the tools I need to have this be 'it' and the last time. "

I posted this in May: http://just4thehealthofit.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-whys-and-hows.html

Wrote this in June: "There is a mental power to feeling physically strong... especially when you feel like people look at you and see someone who is weak. Do you do that when you see someone who is overweight? You don't know what's really in there. "

I wrote this to myself in August: "These things do not define you, and yet they are you. Being a new and better person doesn't mean that you were a bad person before. It doesn't invalidate or lessen the worth of your self at any given stage in your life. You are simply at a different point in your life now. You are here because of what you've been through but you might have been here even without them. You might not be here without them. You could be in a different place, a much worse place, because of all this. You needn't feel bad. You are strong. You are a survivor. You have hurt and you have tried to take care of yourself and you have tried to protect yourself...all the best you could and the best you knew how with what you had at the time. You really did try your best with what you had and what you understood and where you were in your life."

and this: "I feel so empowered when I think of this. I think how just such a short time ago I was acting upon just a glimpse of a desire. I wasn't sure that this Beachbody thing would work but I had a small enough desire to give it a change. I was afraid of admitting to and facing an eating disorder, but I had just a glimmer of a hope that the change I saw in my husband could happen with me.

I haven't lost a ton of weight and yet I am finally able to envision that other me. The fit and healthy and unstoppable me. I see her again. I couldn't find her for a long time. I don't feel that it's like I'm some suddenly different person. I see it more as having been in a place of light for so long that my eyes had adjusted and I didn't see just how much brighter it could be.....I didn't realize not all the lights were on, until they were on. It's tasting that delicious fruit of the tree of life and wanting to share it with others because you didn't realize how much you were missing out on."

and I haven't really written on my blog since.... BUT I feel EXACTLY THAT WAY there at the end still. THAT's how I know this works and is going to keep on working. THAT'S why I am doing what I am doing.

You know what's funny? At a friend's suggestion, I started trying to come up with a single word to be my focus for the year. This year the word I chose was NOURISH. Man, I had no idea where that would take me. So awesome!

hello Monday

Why so cheery on a Monday morning? The shake I'm having for breakfast is dang good (greenberry with Mango naked juice), I'm full on rocking the legging with cozy socks and an oversized sweater just because I can, I started my day off right with the 40 days/40 nights challenge, and I'm fairly certain that today I will finally be able to exercise again! It's a great day to recommit to everything I want in life and to start fresh. I WILL finish the year out strong instead of getting distracted by the holidays.

Christ-centered challenge group

Remember the Christ-centered 12 step challenge group I mentioned previously? It's still going to happen but I am postponing it a week to get more ducks in a row in my life first. I'm doing it because I know *I* need it. So if these describe you and you want to be a part of it, I would love to have you. Size will be limited. Current challengers or BB coaches ok. 
- at least 20 lbs to lose
- struggle with body image or let how you feel about how you look affect what you do
- willing to work on the inside first and involve religion
- willing to be my 'guinea pig' 

*I will be allowing those who are not using Shakeology or a BeachBody workout THIS one time only (because I want the group for myself  ), however if there are more people interested than I would like in the group the priority will be to those willing to make that commitment. Also, as it would be completely free to those then you would be ineligible to win prizes from me- but you'd still have the prize of the change.

*You have a week or until space fills to let me know.

a different kind of challenge group

Maybe now that the kids are in school, you are ready to rededicate some time to yourself? Do you want to give yourself an A+ for the rest of the year? Do you want to finish out the year knowing you've made a difference and felt a change? I can tell you, from personal experience, that you would be AMAZED at the difference that can happen- inside and out- in such a short amount of time. The time will pass anyway. In fact, you know this time of year flies by. Will you commit to making yourself a priority? Will you let me and other wonderful people help you do that? NOW is the time.

There are some important deadlines coming up. (dates listed are when groups START- you must commit a week prior to be properly prepared)

challenge for change

90 Day Results

I finished ChaLean Extreme and I won the challenge group I had been participating in that just ended (I'm in another one now and doing Les Mills Combat).

My results?  Not a lot of weight lost.  A lot of inches shed.  17+ in fact.  Dropped about 5% body fat as well.

More than that?  The confidence that comes from sticking to something through the end.  The ability to see a new me in the future again.  A belief in self.  No more inflammation.  Improved allergies and reflux.  Glowing skin.  Stronger hair and nails.  I think I might be able to beat someone at arm wrestling.  A great group of wonderful, supportive women who don't judge me because they realize we are all on the same journey in one way or another.  Better habits.  WAY fewer cravings that have made it easier to make good choices and conquer an addiction because my agency is being restored and I have the support I need- emotionally and physically.  A sense of purpose and a feeling of gratitude for a way that this weakness and challenge in my life can be turned for the better.  Joy from helping others make changes as well and motivation from them as they become my supporters too.

challenge group and 12 step program

I'm working on a project this week that I've been wanting to work on for a while.  One that I've felt was 'meant for me'.  Something I might even feel 'called' to do.

In our FB fitness challenge groups we do daily mini-challenges.  These are generally geared toward personal development.  There are some physical challenges, but the majority are related to personal development.  They have been wonderful, and key to the change I have experienced in the last nearly 90 days.

I knew that they could be better.

I've done the PASG/Healing Through Christ program (please do it even if you think you don't need to- you will grow closer to your Savior in such a real way!) and even helped in writing the manual for it.  I've done the ARP program (I'll be real with you... I have some to be desired on actually doing every single step thoroughly in regards to myself...but I promise to! that's another post...).  I've also done something called SOLE (Survivors of Life's Experiences).  It was truly life-changing and involved sort of a different version of the 12 steps and a lot of hands-on application of steps and working through things.  It was a program done through LDS Family Services on a referral basis and I feel incredibly blessed to have had the experience that I did, even if I resisted the referral at first.  This has a good little rundown of some of the steps and information that are found in the manual from that.  To my knowledge, the program is no longer in effect.

So my project is to combine all these things that I have experienced and learned and grown from, with the mini-challenges used in this last group I participated in, to develop a new set of challenges and things to ponder and apply etc.  I do this with some other coaches as well (which is really great because we all have our own strengths and weaknesses but all want each other and our challengers to be successful so everyone is better helped and served this way) so it will be up to them in the end to help me tweak what gets used for this group that starts on Monday.  However, I've wanted to combine the 3 programs for quite some time now, even just for my own benefit.  I'm looking forward to the challenge of it and the way I know it will really help me and others.  I have had the whispering to do it for quite some time.  I think I just needed the excuse to finally sit down and take the time to act upon that.  I pray I will be guided in doing so.

summa-summa-summa-summatime

Dang, I feel like it's been forever since I blogged.  Having the kids home from school just plain throws all schedules crazy.  Prior to that, I had a cah-ray-zay week preparing for my great-grandma's 100th birthday party.  I had some stuff thrown on me last minute that required a whole lot more time than I think anyone even still realizes and I still needed to attempt to keep my house in order for company coming.  That was a sort of up and down week as I did catch myself falling into old behaviors of hyperfocusing and not eating.  However, I am proud to report that I caught on to that and forced myself to eat regularly and to devote time to self-care and exercise before it got too out of hand.  I was a bit disappointed in how far it went but I reminded myself that this is a journey and I am still progressing toward perfection, toward making my stumbling blocks my strengths.  Having my accountability group most definitely kept me from falling down into that spiral of starving/binging or stress eating because I had somewhere I needed to report to each night and real people to whom I was committed to being accountable to.

So that was a couple of weeks ago.  I took a day at the beginning of last week to recover from it all and then I set to having summer with my children.  I found myself actively engaging in their lives and being present in the moments.  In summers past we would have an outing once a week and that would generally be my limit for all the effort it took or because I just didn't want to be in public.  I don't know if it is that they are older or if it is the change in me, or if it was just a fluke week.... But we literally went somewhere every single day and it was my idea. We had a grand time visiting the park, the library, a warehouse sale, going out to lunch, spending the afternoon at the waterpark, going to the farmer's market, shopping and more.  Every night was one of those nights where I felt 'done' but in a glorious way.  I had decided I was going to really give my efforts an extra push in my workouts and my eating.  I did it and it felt good to stick to that.  I'm sure eating all that healthy food helped my energy and moods also.  Still, I felt like I was different.

I do need to report something big.  Remember when I said I would make it up that hill on my bike by the end of the summer?  I did it!  On Saturday.  DH had said a few weeks earlier "I don't see why you can't get up it now. I bet you could if you really tried."  It was enough to get me thinking.  I didn't make it up the hills on the triathlon in one fell swoop.  Most of the ladies' took a breather here and there.  So who was to say I couldn't get to the top if I just took some time along the way to catch my breath?  So that's precisely what I did.  I'll have to blog about that separately just because it was it's own accomplishment and boy did I have Satan putting those thoughts in my head.  Nevertheless, I made it!

So, guess what that means?  It means I took the plunge and I registered for IronGirl. Oh man, I got such crazy jitters and nerves for it that I had to distract myself right away.  I'm scared and nervous and excited all at once.  The best part though was when I told DH what I had done.  His face lit up just the way that it did watching our children take their first steps.  I wish I'd had a camera ready to capture that look because I'm convinced it will get me through any difficulty in training or in completing the race come race day.  I can do hard things....but it is the support of others, including my Heavenly Father, that gives me that ability.  There was another reason to me signing up for IronGirl on Monday.  It was the day after Father's Day.  For me, that means it was the anniversary of D-Day (discovery of my husband's addiction & when I asked him to leave) in our household.  I've had a lot of projects lately that have required going back through old photos or our 'history' and I've realized how much of my personal spiral of weight and whatnot really was tied to that D-Day and the time since.  It has been 3 years since that day.  So much has happened in that time.  I felt like I wanted to mark the day differently and mark it as my own rebirth somehow now, because it was what I needed.  I thought about how I feel jealous of the commitment of new moms to immediately get their pre-baby bodies back.  How 'if only' I'd done this sooner I wouldn't have been like this for so long.  How I've had it in me all along.  And yet, I know that I needed that time to get to this point.  Some people have big a-ha moments that solidify their testimonies.  For me, I have always received revelation and had my testimony built up line upon line and through small confirming signs that just sort of all add up for me.  I've always been that way.  When I prayed about whether marrying DH was the right thing for me to do, I didn't get some 'yes' answer.... I got several smaller answers that added up to a confirmed 'yes'.  It must be how I learn.  That is why I have to be easy on myself for allowing myself to be fat so long, for allowing myself to listen to others' voices instead of my own, for letting the negativity in, for feeling defeatist.  I can see now that I needed to take that journey deep into the dark abyss to get to the heart of it all, to be broken to the core, to feel myself being rebuilt to be stronger, only to then have the imperfect parts chipped away.  I know that it is a slow process and how quickly the last 3 years have passed when it seemed they never would helps me be more patient with myself.  It feels merciful.  I started multiple times in the last 3 years to lose the weight or to change my habits or to make myself better.  I am better in many ways.  However, the major change in my addictive behaviors requires a lot more effort and attention than I would have had the energy for in that time. I needed the life experiences to teach me things and show me my own strength and character along the way.  

Of course after making a major commitment and feeling like I'd reached a new and positive step in my journey, I would have to face a setback.  That's the way it goes right?  No sooner had I taken the photos below than I suddenly found myself stuck on my living room floor.  Turns out I pulled a muscle in my back, maybe two.  So this week has been far different from last.  My sweet children have been wonderful and largely cared for themselves.  My older children have been taking care of giving the youngest his breathing treatments since he has been sick.  They've brought me food in bed, get well cards, and not destroyed the house while I slept away the days.  Even just half a muscle relaxer completely knocks me out.  I finally got to do a little workout again today.  I wasn't sure if it would be okay or not but I could feel that pull.... that 'ease' of lying around....that little wagging finger of the dark side saying 'it's ok...just come hang out here for a while'.  So far, I'm still mobile (wasn't there for awhile).  It can be so depressing to have your body take such a far step backward but I'm confident that as the injury heals I will be able to give it my all again and the strength will quickly return.  That's how life is isn't it?

I'm pretty sure I was going to write more or I was going to go back and reread this to make sure it all flowed correctly.  At this point I'm just going to post it and be done with it.  I keep getting interrupted and I have children calling my name to make dinner.  So I suppose if it sounds a little strange I can just blame it on that, or on the pain pills that may still be in my system.  ;)  Hope you are all doing fabulously!  

scratch that

There's a reason you should generally weigh at consistently the same time and on the same day of the week.  Your body just fluctuates so much.  Monday is my normal day for that so I decided to go ahead just in case it was better than yesterday.  It was.  I did gain .4 lbs this week but that's not bad, especially since I lost 5.25" this week.  Seriously.  Can you believe it?  That's actually my biggest loss of inches in a single week yet.
So overall I'm at having gotten rid of 4.2 pounds and 13.25 inches since starting the challenge group on April 29th.  That I can live with.

I did my first day of the Push Circuit for ChaLean Extreme today.  LOVED it!  I nearly cried a couple of times and I said a lot of bad words in my head.  I think I yelled a couple of times too.  But taking those stats and pictures that made me cry yesterday lit a fire under me and I was determined to really push myself during this Push phase of the program.  So I did.  My muscles were tired and felt shaky afterward but I felt amazing.  Seriously.  Like a total high.  Better than any food is going to get me.  Also, I felt incredibly strong because I was lifting weights as heavy as Chalene Johnson or her sister Jenelle Summers- fitness professionals.  Maybe they don't really lift that.  Maybe they do it in the video to make you feel better.  If that's the case it worked. ;)  I did a strength training class in college and today I was doing bicep curls at the same weight I recall doing them back then.  I should find that paper I had where I recorded all that.  There is a mental power to feeling physically strong... especially when you feel like people look at you and see someone who is weak.  Do you do that when you see someone who is overweight?  You don't know what's really in there.



Also, just an FYI-  Beachbody is having a killer sale this week only.  I'm thinking I might just load up on a few things.  I know some people who really love TurboFire and the Energy & Endurance that are half off.

And a final note.... I remembered that summer is upon us.  How could I forget right? Well, I remembered that summer is typically a very difficult time in our household.  My husband's line of work means that summer is pretty stressful and that tends to spill over at home.  He was better about it last year.  We did, however, receive some news that means this year will be particularly stressful at work.  It is a trigger for him and it is a trigger for me.  Sometimes we feel like we need to celebrate come September just having survived a summer together.  Sometimes I feel like moving away for just the summer.  It is also when the big bam 'D-Day' occurred 3 years ago.  3 years? Really?  Has it been that long?  I'll have to double-check that, but, yes, I do believe so.  Even still.  It got me to thinking that I am glad that I know I have a support network and some plans in place that will help me get through the summer.  I'm glad that I have a place to stay accountable when I am tempted by stress eating.  I am glad that I honestly don't even feel those cravings as bad anymore and that I can tell there is a deeper, more lasting, change going on within me.  I don't have to dread this summer.  I have something to look forward to.

30day progress report

Feeling pretty conflicted today. This is the 30 day progress I promised. I have SO far to go that it is discouraging. I remind myself that a number on a scale is just a number and doesn't define me. Still I feel so disheartened to only lose a couple of pounds. Yet, I am down 11 inches and 2.5% body fat using the caliper method- putting me in the average range, despite how I look. I know my fitness has improved, I can feel it when I lift heavier weights and when I run up the stairs without losing my breath or am able to push myself harder running on the treadmill. I know my energy has improved and my mind just feels so much more clear. My habits are changing as are my thoughts & attitudes toward things. I see definition that doesn't come across well in the pics and that makes me happy. Still.... That darn scale. It just leaves me depressed. Why am I posting this? Because I committed to doing so and because I know it will keep me accountable. I don't do it to fish for validation or feedback to make me feel better. I do it because I know I need to to keep myself going, to rid myself of my own self shame, and because I'm sure that out there somewhere is someone a lot like me.  I don't intend to make any excuses for myself.  It was a rough week.  I was sick or something- still trying to figure that out- and so I didn't workout half the week or eat anything but carbs and my Shakeology because my stomach just couldn't do it.  I only felt good when I had my shake so I'm so glad that I did.  Who knows how that affected things today but I didn't want to use that as an excuse.  I know I've lost more weight than that but I typically weigh on a different day and I have a feeling I've gained this week and am seeing the sad effects of that.  I am more than a number.  Still, I need that number to change so much more than it has.  I won't quit.  I can't quit..... because I told myself that I would see this all the way through the 90 days and trust the process.  I've made myself accountable to anyone reading this (which must be someone given the amount of hits this blog is getting without comments).  So I'll just keep keepin' on......

celebrate you

NSV.  It's a non-scale victory.  It's an opportunity to celebrate yourself because you should be celebrating something about yourself each and every day.  Find something about yourself to celebrate every day as well as with each person in your family.  What if we did that and wrote that down?  I'll bet our lives would totally change.  Hmm...this is a brilliant idea of mine.  I think I might just do this.

Well, here is what went down today:
I finally got the call last Friday that my insurance settlement money was in.  The money from the car accident I was in a year and a half ago.  This thing has been a mess I tell you.  I have had the worst time with the case managers even though the lawyers themselves are great.  I have been anxious to just get it all done and over with just because of their horrible lack of communication and follow through.  Well, my case manager and I set up an appointment for me to come in and pick up the checks (multiple because I had children in the car with me who were seen on dr orders as well).  We set a very clear appointment for Tuesday because she says she will be out of the office all day on Monday and isn't sure what the attorney's schedule will be.
So.... I drive 40 minutes to this lawyer's office (getting my boys' chicken nuggets because I went straight from kinder pickup in order to be there before her lunch break as arranged) to find she is not there.  She is at lunch.  A lunch she wasn't supposed to take for another hour from the time I was there.  The receptionist explains that one of the lawyers had them switch lunch schedules for the day.  Well, that's all fine and good except she could have called me.  I'm not leaving though because I know that this will not be resolved otherwise.  I need this to just be done with.  She is calling and texting this lady to get her back in the office with no response.  Anyway, long story short.... I waited for an hour with my 6 and 5 year old boys and a couch and a tv playing ESPN.  Let me tell you how much fun that is.  It's not.  I was furious.  My husband was texting me saying that I should demand that they pay me the equivalent of that girl's hourly wage.  Right. Well, at first I was nice.  I was being all polite and professional and practicing my mean glare.  Beware the silent and angry woman.  Then I was all 'no...my time is valuable too and I will not be just walked over!'.  Thanks PASG for teaching me that lesson.  It was sort of like my own little victory to say that for myself.  I could feel tears just below the surface when my actual attorney appeared and immediately said "Have you really been here for an hour?".  I cry when I get mad. I hate it.  So I remained as calm as I could because I didn't want to cry but my voice cracked a bit when I said that 'yes, in fact I have and yes, I did have a very clear appointment (as did the other guy that had been there waiting for the same lady).'  I made sure to let them know that I was not happy and I deserved better.  I'm glad PASG taught me that lesson- It's okay to be mad and upset and to express those feelings.  You just have to be sure that you are responding or acting mindfully instead of merely reacting to something.  My hands were shaking because I was so mad.

So I'm mad but at least I finally get my settlement documents and checks and I can be done with all this.  I'm still shaking because I'm mad about all this when I leave.  I want desperately to stop at that McDonald's there and get a soft serve ice cream cone (I heard they're only 1 WW point after all so they must be good for you!) because surely I deserved it after dealing with all that crap.  My boys certainly did.  Or I wanted a cookie from somewhere.  I really deserved it when I had barely gone down the road and an idiot driver in the lane next to me seriously swerved for no apparent reason and very very nearly sideswiped me.  No joke, had I not had both hands on the wheel at the time I probably would've jerked my car too far out of the way and into the car on the other side of me or over-corrected right back into his.  My poor boys were all scared all over again.  Where was I?  Oh, right.  I deserved a treat for all this crappy afternoon I was having.  Guess what though?  I didn't.  First, all I could think about besides the fact that I had so much adrenaline coursing through my body now and that my hands were shaking and I was so mad at my utter waste of an afternoon (which, obviously, was not a total waste) was how badly I had to pee!  Seriously.  Thinking about that reminded me just how much water I'd been sipping at to keep myself occupied while waiting and just in general.  That reminded me about my workout that morning and my accountability/fitness group and how I'd committed to doing really well this week and being done with my spiral of a weekend.  So I drove the rest of the way home thinking about the healthy treats I was going to have when I got home because that was what I deserved.  I had some vegan brownies I made yesterday and some greek yogurt with some PB2+chocolate in it.  I felt much better.  As I sat there feeling better I wondered if it had to do with the food.  Like how an addict needs a fix and calms down when they get the fix.  This has always been a struggle for me.  I feel like there is a lot of wonderful literature out there about my husband's pornography addiction and how it works in terms of the brain processes and chemicals etc.  I know that a food addiction must work the same way but you can't simply cut that out in the same way you can pornography.  So what do you do?  I realized at that moment that it wasn't about the food then.  I felt better because I had taken control of something that I really did have control of.  I was upset about my lack of control in a situation where someone did not hold up to their end of an agreement, at my expense, and then about my lack of control in a situation that put my family's safety at risk.  Then there's that whole lack of control of whatever the heck is going on in my body and having any knowledge about it.  I've always tried to shut out those feelings with doing whatever with abandon, which usually meant some sort of binge or eating something that would make me feel bad so at least then I'd later have that feeling to focus on.  Obviously that doesn't work.  But today I felt better eating something...something good for me....because I had control over something that I could have control over.  Ohhhhhhhh.......

Hey big guy.... Thanks for answering that prayer to help me make good choices today. ;)

2 wk progress

I am totally embarrassed about this photo.  However, I committed to transparency and honesty and accountability.  I was having the whole debate tonight with the temptation to do some quick fix.  I have these pills near my nightstand for one 'cleanse' or 'accelerator' or another.  They were tempting me.  It's not even like I haven't been seeing good weight loss and measurement results either.  There is no reason for that temptation other than the damage done by past extreme dieting and the lure of trying to look better for upcoming family events and pictures...and the thought of being around people who have been known to openly critique my looks in the past.  I'm not going to cave though.  Having these thoughts doesn't mean I don't like me and don't like me now.  So I thought I would take a picture.  I have been drinking Shakeology for 2 weeks now.  I have been in this challenge & accountability group for about 2 1/2 wks now.  I have done ChaLean Extreme for 2 weeks now.  Well...technically Saturday would be 2 weeks since I started on a Saturday, but tomorrow is my rest day and Sat would technically be my start of week 3 so.....
I know 2 weeks is hardly time to see any real change.  However, I do think I see (and feel) some and I wanted to see if it was all in my head.  I hope not.  Not that that is my motivator.  Still.  I'm human.  I look at this and do the mental math imagery of what may actually be possible in the 10 more weeks to come.  This change repeating 5 more times.  Plus, I know that time is going to pass by so quickly.  Sometimes I look at these awesome transformation pictures, especially of those doing the same program as I and I feel so motivated, hopeful, and encouraged.  Then in the next split second that little voice in my head says "well, that was them.  I can't possibly have something similar."  As if I am defective or undeserving.  That Satan...he's a tricky one....
I will post 30 day progress pictures as that's pretty Beachbody standard.  2 weeks is not. Sooooo.....here goes.... please be nice.....

I promise I did not shrink in height.  DH is fired for not being consistent in where he takes the pictures from.  I  couldn't remember which shirt I was wearing or which way I was facing.
p.s. In case you are curious what ChaLean is, HERE is a preview. 

the whys and hows

Why am I doing this?
I was thinking about that yesterday as I was lying around with a stomach bug.  Getting sick with something is one of my biggest derailers from a program of any type because I feel like it just throws me off my game.  I lay around being lazy, and loving being lazy, and start to wonder why I ever bother with doing any different.  Terrible, I know.  Consistency has never been a strong point of mine and that is where it really gets me.  I'm working on that though.

• I am doing this because grasping at straws is better than not grasping at all.
• I am doing this because it is working.
• I am working the program because the program works, because I have seen real change with my very own eyes, and because I see results quickly even in myself.
• I am choosing my life, not letting my life happen to me. 
• I feel good when I eat well, when I exercise, when I read my scriptures daily, when I pray daily, and when I attend the temple regularly.
• I know all those things and have experienced their trans-formative effect and yet I still need to be reminded of it from time to time.  All I can figure is that it's a byproduct of being human.  
• I want to help people.  I feel at my best and most fulfilled when I do.  I believe people are often put in the paths of others to help them, to be someone else's answer to a prayer.  I've had so many be that for me that I can only hope I can be that for even just one other person so that I can pay it forward..... even if these things are sometimes hard to share.
• I am doing this because I love myself, not because I hate who I am.  You don't have to dislike yourself to want to be the best version of you.  
• I want to be prepared for anything that life may throw at me.  I want to know that I have done all I can to prepare my body physically and nutritiously as well as my mind/spirit emotionally and spiritually for anything that may come in life.  If I am better prepared myself then I will not only be able to weather whatever life may bring, but I will be better equipped to help those around me, including my children.  
• I am doing this because it feels like it fits best with my personal and religious beliefs about health... slow and steady, line upon line, creates lasting and real change.  Part of my test on earth is mastery of my body that was given to me as a gift from my Heavenly Father. Moderation in all things is so very important.  Balance in all areas of life is also.  Accountability keeps us focused.  There is so much in the world to distract us from what is important and Satan is out to take the things that he most desires because he cannot have- bodies and families.  
• I want to instill good habits in my children at a young age so that they have the tools and are better equipped so that they are less likely to face these same struggles when they are adults themselves.  They already make great choices, love healthy things and exercise, and are pretty balanced kids...but there is always opportunity for teaching and improvement and for leading by example.

I really missed my regular foods and routine yesterday.  Thankfully my Shakeology settled in my system just fine or I would have been sorely missing out on any nutrients at all.  It was hard though to not get any sort of exercise. It wasn't at all that I felt guilty not doing it or that I had to.  It was just that I missed it and I was sad that my body was making it very clear that it was going to have none of it.  Thank goodness today is much better and I was able to enjoy my Burn Intervals, even getting a second wind halfway through it.  That does have to be about the fastest I have ever bounced back from food poisoning.

I'm not trying to be 'salesy' or anything... just sharing what I have seen and experienced.  I have read a lot of testimonials, even from people I personally know from my real life (don't you sometimes feel like testimonials are from 'fake' people?) about how these groups have changed their lives, how Shakeology has taken away migraines or improved ADD or inflammatory diseases (such as RA and fibromyalgia) or taken them off antidepressants entirely.  I have read much about the health benefits of various foods and believe in the power of using good food and herbs to heal and strengthen our bodies.  I was shocked when actually looking at Beachbody programs to discover how many of them were ones that friends had raved about for years and loved doing.  I never had any clue these had all been from the same company.  I knew about P90X and Insanity being 'related'.  I did not know it was also the same company behind Slim in 6 (there were a lot of Nutrisystem people doing that as their workout regime), Yoga Booty Ballet, Brazil Butt Lift, Les Mills Body Pump, Rockin Body, Turbo Jam, Turbo Fire, and more.  Did you?? Seriously, if I had known that sooner I really probably would have jumped on their products a lot sooner.  Truthfully, knowing how great the fitness programs are makes me feel a lot more confident in their other lines of products (like the Shakeology and other vitamins and skin care).  

I will say, Shakeology and the other programs are expensive.  I am a total frugal shopper.  I have even taught couponing classes for years.  I love yard sales and thrift stores.  So dropping $120 for a meal replacement shake?  I don't care if it works out to $4 a meal, that's still a lot in my book.  I have really good health insurance coverage so I wasn't going to factor in the savings in medical bills that would come from improved health or fewer medications.  I did look at it this way in the end.... a month of Nutrisystem (which I'm most inclined to compare against because of my previous success with it) is roughly $280- there's a lot of options for programs but that's about the average price.  That covers most all your meals (you do need to add in some of your own food), but in the end having all your meals prepared for you doesn't force you to make those hard daily choices of choosing and preparing good foods for yourself.  It is still too convenience based to be a full lifestyle change in the long run.  That's honestly a hard thing for me to accept.  The only other program I know to be as successful (that doesn't involve some VLCD) is Weight Watchers and that is about $30/month plus there's usually a signup fee.  Then you'll have your regular food and gym membership on top of that.  Weight Watchers I believe is successful because of the support system involved in it and its encouragement of balance and realism in your diet.  Around here, a gym membership that has any kind of childcare is about $30-$40 at minimum per month.  Sometimes you have to pay an additional $2 per kid for 2 hours of care.  We won't talk about the worrying about germs there or the child care being full or your older kids being 'too old' for it but too young to work out in the actual gym without you there by their side- leaving you to not be able to do everything you want to do because they still can only use certain areas.  Not that I've encountered this before.....Where was I?  Oh... so I kind of just figured out that it was cheaper than NS, a little more than WW but with the same benefits (because in a challenge group you've got what you'd get at a WW meeting) plus the addition of having one meal replaced during the day and health benefits of some awesome superfoods that would also take care of a lot of the nutrients your body needs.  Then as far as the exercise regime goes.... well, the Beachbody programs really vary in price a lot (we're talking from $40 to $150) but a lot of them are 60-90 day programs with the variety you need to keep you from getting bored or your body from plateauing.  Compare that to the cost of the gym membership..... To me, it really does seem cheaper, especially since I do get a decent coach discount.  I have never been a fan of workout videos, or of tripping over my children while trying to do them, but I have loved every one of these that I have tried and I'm finding I really can do them at home whether my kids are around or not.  The fact that the Shakeology has genuinely been the best tasting meal replacement of any type (except maybe those NS chocolates, those were pretty darn good), has really been a happy surprise for me.

Anyway, we all have our different whys and hows of doing things.  I think it is important to consider those and to frequently reconsider them.  I always wonder how often other people think about those things or how much is just the way my brain seems to be wired to consider human behavior.  If you're going to make a change in your life, of any kind, you need to have a reason.  You need to write that reason down to make it more concrete.  If you are going to make a big change, I think you need support and the more support the better.  Change starts with a decision for something different.  It doesn't come all at once.  Sometimes it is painfully slow and gradual.  Sometimes you don't see it at first.  It frequently requires sacrifice and a breaking of your heart so that it can repair and be soft and malleable to fit the better you.  Growing pains have always hurt.  But don't they make you stand a little taller?  If you think you'd like to join a fitness challenge group and have some accountability and support, I would be happy to help you.  There is another one starting June 3 like the one I'm doing now.  If you'd like support or help of any kind, please feel free to send me a message or comment.  

on mothers day

I haven't felt much like writing these last few days, which means I've probably needed to more than ever.  I'm not perfect.  Not even close.  They've been up and down kind of days for the most part.  Today is Mother's Day and on the whole it has been a good day.  It is also my youngest's 5th birthday.  How the time has flown.  It has been good to have the day be about him as well because it takes my mind off missing my own mother or my own needs of feeling particularly valued and special.  People, do you know how much women need written words of praise and compliment to refer to?  Do men need the same thing?  I don't know.  But I don't know a woman who doesn't battle with comparing herself to others, measuring herself up- even against herself and her own ideals, issues of self-image and those put out by the media.  We need something to refer to when we are feeling bogged down.

Anyway, so it has been a good day.  I have to say that I have eaten very mindlessly because I told myself I just wasn't going to worry about today.  Know what?  I don't feel good.  It isn't a guilt thing at all.  It is that I don't make good food choices when I eat mindlessly and my body and brain suffer as a result.  I am sluggish and tired and just feel kind of 'bleh' even though it's been a good day.  So I find myself looking forward to tomorrow and starting a new week fresh, and eating lots of fresh and healthy foods.  I am kind of dreading weighing in in the morning after the day I've had, but what's done is done.

I had an incident on Friday that I want to record.  I was very angry with my husband and struggling with a lot of triggering feelings.  He did something that was reminiscent of some of his 'telltale' behaviors and that coupled with the general triggering of this weekend (due to some past Mother's Day experiences as well as the fact that just plain missing my mom is a trigger), I was feeling myself spiral.  I am happy to say that I did not binge, and in fact I ate all good foods....though it was hard.  I did find that I went a lot of the day without eating at all, which is also not a healthy reaction.  I was okay in the end though.  It was supposed to be my exercise 'rest day' so I had not worked out.  I think that made a difference as well.  By the end of the day I was just struggling so much that I decided I needed to simply get out and go for a ride.  I initially wanted to tackle 'the hill' because I felt angry enough that I determined I would make it to the top and that was certain to make me feel better.  However, the sun was setting and it turns out the road isn't exactly lit.  I determined that no matter how upset I was I still wanted to see my own children for Mother's Day, so I felt it best to play it safe.  First of all, just putting on my workout clothes made me feel empowered.  I was amazed at how differently I felt just making that step.  I don't know if it was how the clothes felt on me or if it was the fact that I was taking a step to regain control of a situation I felt I had none.  So I went for a bike ride, in the windy night, and rode until my head cleared.  I went a route I'd never taken before and I rode overpasses that have always made me nervous....not just for the size of their hills but also for the fact that I have a thing about bridges.  There is this thing about biking uphill that just feels so much like life.  You have to keep moving at even the slowest but most steady pace or you will lose your balance and stop.  You might feel like you are going so slow and making even no progress, but if you set your sight on a goal even just the slightest bit ahead you will see that you make it.  You do it little by slow little.  The long hills that you don't even recognize as being hills are the worst that way.  The bigger, but shorter, hill was much easier.  I was surprised at how very quickly I was able to power up it.  In the end I biked for about 11 miles and it really did feel good.  I was glad to have made a healthy, empowering, choice rather than a bad one.

My mom and I at our last Christmas together.  She passed away suddenly 7 months later.  Guess I do look kinda like her. :)

Happy Mothers Day to all you women out there.  I know from my time attending support groups that it can be a pretty difficult day for women whose spouses are addicts.  They are in relationships where their spouse has become desensitized to their intimate needs.  I mean on a very emotional level.  They do not feel loved and cared for in a deep way.  If they know of a husband's problem with pornography then today can serve as a reminder of his disrespect of women, and of their sacred and special relationship.  That can be very hard.  They do not feel they are the most important woman in their world.  Even if their children adore them and shower them with love, it is inadequate if it does not also come from the person to whom they choose to commit to living their life with.  For those who are no longer in the relationship, today can serve as a hard reminder of not having someone there to make the day special.  I want you to know I think of you today too.  You may be a mother but, particularly if you are a mother to younger children, you may not have someone there to lead in making the day any different than the rest and making you feel important.  You are important.  Women who are struggling to repair broken relationships and trust need extra love and attention on this day.  It needs to be a bigger deal than it might under normal circumstances.  It becomes an opportunity for the other person to show some forethought, to show that they think about them in times other than the last minute when the pressure is on, to show them that they matter and that they are important and that they are grateful to have them still in their life.  I don't mean to put undue pressure on a holiday.  I just say this because it has been not just my personal experience, but what I heard repeatedly from other women independently in recovery group settings.  We are often (or I hope we are) aware of the women who have a hard time with Mother's Day: those who are unwed, who struggle with infertility, who have lost their own mother's.  There is another, often very silent, group who struggles as well and I want you to know that I know you and I understand and it will get better.

get out of yourself

Sometimes we get so focused on the changes we need to make or how we are improving ourself that we don't even realize how single-minded we have become. Sometimes we have a bad day and aren't really sure why, or maybe we do know why, and we just can't seem to shake it. Sometimes we feel in a rut.

I have a suggestion. 

Get out of yourself. Make an effort, no matter how big or small, to do something for someone else. Pay someone a compliment. Mow the neighbor's lawn. Send a thank you card. Take someone a gift. Do your kids' chores for them. It doesn't matter how big or small. I promise you that when you do it for the sale of getting out of yourself, for simply doing something out of the kindness of your heart, you WILL feel better. 

After the tragedy with the bombing at the Boston Marathon, I felt like the news was just bombarded (no pun intended) with negativity. I noticed everyone around me just generally having a hard time. People on fb were complaining of the same. I decided I'd had enough. Something needed to be done. I might not be able to change the world but maybe I could affect a small area of MY world. So I encouraged people on our fb fan page for our Etsy shop to start a pay it forward snowball. Pick a number of people to do some random act of kindness for and ask for so many people to do the same. My kids and I dropped off free product at people's homes. The thing that amazed me was how it seemed that just as I made that commitment to really do something for someone else and as I followed through with it, blessings seemed to pour out on ME. I kid you not. Today the challenge in our group was to do some random act of kindness. I determined to do it if course. What happened? I got a couple of really unexpected and super awesome notes of compliments from others- who had nothing to do with the group or my previous pay it forward efforts. Pretty awesome if you ask me. You bet I felt pretty great. Maybe I should do this more often. :)

triggers.

I am trying to do just one entry a day but I need to write and get it out.  I am feeling very triggered tonight.  Turns out my earlier commentary on perfection was something I was going to need to be repeating to myself.  I am feeling frustrated and upset that I am triggered by something that I thought I was over.  I was in a situation that has previously been a trigger for codependent and coping behaviors relating to my husband's addiction.  This is a situation that is basically unavoidable for me and comes about on a very regular basis.  So what was different about tonight?  Wellllll..... me.  I have committed to this personal change and to this eating clean (or as clean as I can within reason) and mindfully and to following the challenges set in our challenge group.  So I was as I sat surrounded by desserts and people and situations that are my triggers.  I feel like I must still need to forgive them (or need to forgive them again) if they are triggering me still...but I'm actually not sure if that's right either.  Sometimes a trigger is just a trigger??  As I sat trying to resist the temptation to having one or more of all the different and very delicious desserts before me, I realized that I had been using them to cope with this situation.  They were my 'treat' to myself and my thing to look forward to for being there.  Here I was trying to deny myself this.  That's why I got so upset.  I made myself a compromise and settled on a good, alternative choice.  It didn't solve anything.  Instead I felt a little upset at myself for not being perfectly pious about not having any dessert at all.  Good thing I had my personal reminder to myself about that whole perfectionism thing I just said.  :S

I ended up feeling really angry toward DH because it was late and we needed to have already been heading home and here I'd been sitting all alone, with myself placed as far as possible from the dessert- which also meant most the people, trying to deal with this whatever it was going on in my head...trying to fight off how very badly I wanted those treats.  It wasn't really his fault that he left me alone.  He was tending to someone else in need.  But couldn't he see me in need?  Shouldn't I take priority?  How very selfish of me.  How codependent of me to think that way instead of doing what I should have done.... taking a moment to say a silent prayer for strength and understanding in my moment of weakness.  Oh, right.  I did take a moment to hop on to the fb page for the challenge group and share that I was trying to distract myself from this struggle I was having.  It was good that I got feedback and support right away.  Still didn't solve the problem really.  But sometimes admitting to that first step, to that weakness, opens the pathways to feel the rest of what it is you're trying to block.  Know what I realized?  I'm mad at myself.  Know why?  I had this idea yesterday that I was going to want desserts at this function and that I should make a healthy alternative like these brownies that I was really curious about.  You're supposed to bring something yourself anyway.  Guess what... I didn't.  Frankly, between yesterday and today, I have no truly good excuse for not doing it aside from sheer laziness and doing other more distracting things.  Why was I distracting myself from that?  That's dumb.  I don't know.  Maybe stopping to take a moment to prepare something in advance for myself for a situation I knew I would need it in would be and admission to a need and a weaknesses that I didn't want to admit to yet.  Like saying 'I have a problem with this and I am going to need help so I am going to prepare help for myself ahead of time.'   As if there is something wrong with, or weak about, that sort of admission.   Hmmm... yah, that's probably it.

So.... I'm not perfect.  I feel better now though.  I'm tired and hot.  The A/C is out at our house.  I'm grateful it's stormy today and tomorrow at least so it won't be as hot as it will later in the week.  Hopefully it is fixed by then.  I do know that those are triggers too so maybe I'd better go to bed extra early tonight.  Just, you know, to be prepared.

the power of group.

I'm not attending a recovery group right now, but I have.  I believe firmly in their power.  It isn't just about accountability or about like-minded people.  There is real power in having validation from others of your feelings.  Validation from people who are at all kinds of stages in their journey.  Maybe it's just my degree in Sociology, but I found it extremely fascinating how often I would hear the same stories, or versions of them, repeated.  We think we are so alone in our journey but we don't realize until we are in the safe place a group provides that someone else has been through something awfully similar as well.  We think the things we are most embarrassed to share or most ashamed of are unique to us....but, guess what, they're not.  It's true that no one person will have the exact same experience of another because we all bring something different to the table and we all have a different backstory....but when you're feeling a little bit crazy it sure is nice to know you aren't.  Also, I feel like so often the Lord works through other people.  I cannot tell you the incredible number of times I was struggling with something in particular that I had not yet shared with anyone but in my prayers and then someone would share something that was exactly what I needed to hear.  Just as journaling helps clear the mind so does talking it out...or helping someone else talk theirs out.

Here in Las Vegas there is an ARP group for unhealthy eating patterns (you can find the schedule as well as any other ARP/PASG meeting time & location here).  I went for a while and found it very useful.  It was never about peer pressure to be one way or another, as I worried it would be.  It was all about having a place to vocalize yourself and receive validation in return.  There is a reason that you are told to pray vocally.  Trust me, I have a very hard time with that.  I can't explain it but it does something different, and it makes a difference, to make it vocal.  It is hard.  At the time I was also facilitating the PASG group too.  Eventually I got a new calling in my ward and my schedule also with my kids just did not allow for me to attend either meeting anymore.  I had to very carefully evaluate whether that was me making an excuse for myself in an attempt to avoid recovery.  In the end, I decided that it was not.  It was about me having a balance in my life and being able to have a 'downtime' night at home.  Balance is critical to being healthy.

I guess I'm just saying that I'm glad to have found a group that I can participate in even with my busy schedule right now.  I can't believe I let myself go so long without one thinking I could just change myself. While I did still continue to grow and improve over the last year, it was with vast more difficulty and I feel like it was easier to let Satan in my head without one.  What's that scripture? "It is not good for man to be alone." ?(pretty sure that applies to women as well) It is good to have a 'safe place', to have validation, to have accountability, to have support and encouragement.  I'm in a good place and I'm glad to be.  I know I won't always be.  I'm glad to know it's okay that I'm not perfect, and that people who look like they are actually aren't either.  I'm glad to be trying and acknowledging that I will mess up from time to time at the start.  That is empowering.  Perfectionism is paralyzing.  Trust me, I know.  Far too often I have put off starting something (weight loss, cleaning, projects, a conversation, etc) because I let a fear of falling short get in the way.  That's not what it's about.  It's about a journey forward.  It's about one small step for mankind.... oh wait, that was something else.  But it is about being okay with the progress and the setbacks because you see the bigger picture and know you are still facing the right direction.

I killed it in my workout this morning.  So much so that I puked afterward.  That's a first for me.  I ran out of my acid reflux medicine a few days ago and I've got it bad.  I could tell the weight lifting was aggravating it but I was determined not to let that get in the way again, as it has for me before.  So I puked and then I laid on the floor in front of the fan, and then I was fine.  And now, now that it's evening, I can hardly even remember that I worked out at all.

scale

I hopped on the scale this morning just because I am used to weighing in on Saturdays now. Also, I am starting my ChaLean Extreme workout program/schedule today so I wanted to have a baseline for that specifically. I'm pumped.

I started in the accountability and challenge group on Monday. I started 30 minutes of exercise that day- jogging or biking because I was waiting on my program and those are what I felt like doing. I started drinking Shakeology on Wednesday when it arrived. As of today, Saturday, I am down 2.5 lbs. that's every bit that I gained in my time between P90X and now when I was struggling to get refocused after being sick and also going on vacation for a week. I can't tell you how thrilled I am about that. I know that it will fluctuate from time to time because weight does that, especially when adding muscle. However, it's awesome to be back at that benchmark for starting my neck workout phase because I feel like then I can really get a sense of the difference between the two, for me, and also see the difference Shakeology can make for me. 

gratitude and hope.

My biggest hesitation with any 'diet' program has always been whatever cost is associated with it. Some of them are pretty pricey.  The large cost was actually part of my commitment when I did Nutrisystem.  When you can barely afford it, you'd better make it worth your while.

Well, that's how I was feeling about the Shakeology investment.  I really wanted to be a part of a group and community that would give me support as well as accountability...and that would do so without judgment.  Part of the challenge group, though, is replacing a daily meal with Shakeology.  It's a big investment.  However, I have over the years read oh so many an article about this nutrient or that supplement and their health benefits as well as benefits to weight loss.  I remember commenting to DH that 'wouldn't it be nice if there was just one of those magic drinks that had all those amazing magic foods in it'?  Seriously, I said that.  Years ago. I didn't realize that Shakeology really did have all those foods I was referring to in it.  It already existed.  Anywho....I've been drinking protein shakes for a while.  I've sampled cleanses and supplements and protein shakes from most of those major companies out there.  Honestly, I love the Isagenix Cleanse for Life and I did notice a difference daily when I took it.  I even had to fight my son to not let him drink big glasses of it every day because he loved it so much too.  But I really hate the way the company is set up and how difficult it is to just get product.  And their shakes and supplements?  Gag me with a spoon.  I am a huge fan of Chris Powell so I jumped on his Bod-e line with Vemma.  I was convinced it was going to be my missing link.  Truth be told, the shake (vanilla and chocolate) was 'okay'.  It needed something added to it and I had to drink it pretty quickly but I did enjoy it.  There's this weird aftertaste, almost like it has jalapenos in it.  I dunno.  They have a 7 day cleanse product that I did really like.  I noticed a real difference in my energy and focus when taking it (you have to go a week between each weekly course at minimum).  However, I had an awful experience with their customer service and will seriously never go back as a result.  I felt completely betrayed as a customer and don't feel I can trust them with my business.

So, here I am waiting for my Shakeology to arrive.  I got curious after reading about major success with digestion, migraine, mood, and other issues.  I want DH to try it because, let's just say, there's a long family history of digestion issues for he and his family.  It would be so wonderful to have something that completely turned things around for them.  I am anxious to try it, yes, because I want to see if it does make a difference with the weight loss...but also because I'm curious if it will help with my allergies.  It has reportedly great effects on inflammation.  So that got me to thinking that maybe it would give me some allergy relief.  Seriously, I am so desperate.  I'm allergic to everything in the air and I'm allergic to over half the allergy medications out there.  It gets so old not being able to breathe out your nose or having to hide in your house and shower twice a day on windy days.  This year has been particularly bad, leaving me wheezy and needing my rescue inhaler on really windy days.  So, that's what I'm out to investigate for myself.  I would consider it a miracle if it does provide me relief but I'm willing to give it a go.  Yes, I've tried local bee pollen.  That doesn't seem to make a dent either.

I am feeling extremely hopeful and enthusiastic about this whole challenge group and Shakeology thing.  Not just because the enthusiasm of others' is contagious.  It's because I feel really genuinely supported in it.  I worried and prayed about the cost.  I even went to the temple as I shared previously.  I thought about it for a long while.  It was like the Lord just needed me to make the decision, to show that willingness and commitment, and He began opening the Heavens to show me of His support and acknowledgment.  We received an influx of orders for our Etsy shop like never before.  That first month's investment is totally covered in just those, which is considered extra income for us because we never know how busy we will be.  I am so very grateful.  I feel like it was His way of saying "You got this."  I'm committed to it and really giving it a full effort.  What I ordered was a new workout, just for a change even though I love me some P90X, and the Shakeology.  I have enough of that for a month to see if it makes a real difference.  I already know what a difference a Beachbody program can make without it.  I am having faith, and I am full of it and hope, that it is the right thing and that the future expense of it will work itself out because I know I have the Lord on my side.  I just cannot express what a feeling that is to really feel and know it.  I've felt it before when going through a really difficult time in my life.  I'm sad, and human, to say that I let that intense feeling fade away into the shuffle of the craziness of life.  I'm immensely grateful to have it back.  It fills me with hope and gladness.

rule.

I've set a new rule for myself that I put on my workout clothes & shoes first thing in the a.m. and am not allowed to change until I've worked out- regardless of what errands I have to run or appointments or who I'll see. So if you see me looking all awesome and grubby and like I don't ever care to get properly dressed...well now you know why. ;)  I got this idea from one of the other ladies in the challenge group I'm participating in.  I hate wearing tennis shoes so that's pretty good motivation for me.  My feet just feel so claustrophobic in socks.