I have some other (happier) things I've been wanting to write about but I think that'll have to wait a bit. The end of the school year gets so busy with kids!
Anyway... in light of the trending of the #YesAllWomen that I was just reading about , I wanted to chime in real quick. I'm not on twitter and I feel like it's a bit much for just a facebook post.
I am shocked at how many of the hashtags I relate to and can understand and empathize with.
I don't know why it shocks me anymore.
I find the timing particularly of note as I have been working through owning my stories of rape these last few weeks.
That's right.
The R word.
My experiences and responses to the #YesAllWomen would be something along these lines....
- Because pornography viewing at a friends' home at a very early age put into my mind that rape and violence were a normal part of a relationship between a man and a woman and even something to fantasize about.
- Because a close family member, whose opinion was of high value to me, told me that it was the woman's fault if she was sexually assaulted or taken advantage of and that a husband deserved whatever he wanted from his wife.
- Because when the 8th grader put his hands under my clothes he said it was what I wanted, and I believed him even though I didn't feel that way.
And then when the 11th grader (me in 10th) grabbed me and tried to force things further, he said that I was asking for it because of how I was dressed (a flesh colored shirt). I believed him too. I didn't speak up and someone thankfully showed up just in the nick of time, but I showered and threw that shirt away and haven't been able to wear a similarly colored shirt since.
Because the 11th grader said I asked for it by simply showing up, being me, when he tried to rape me- with his friend watching and laughing. I will still never understand how I got away, but feel grateful that I did. Because the shame of these things and the belief that I had brought them upon myself, not that these boys were fully responsible for their own actions, shut my mouth and closed off a part of me for far too long.
- Because the trap of pornography teaches men (and women for that matter), good men, that this is what women want.... to be dominated or abused or even just plain used. They may be so wrapped up in the web of lies that are being fed them and reinforced through chemical responses in our brain, that they don't even recognize the inherit lie being sold.... That we are all individuals. That each person is a person. Male or female. Each deserves to be treated as a human being, not as an object. Not as a thing to be used. A marriage does not provide opportunity because it does not mean that the other person is your property. Marital relationships are not grounds for 'anything goes'. The idea that a woman must service her husband to fulfill his need for sex or that she must do something she feels uncomfortable with because that is the way to show love, is a falsehood.
- Because people can change and patterns passed through generations can be stopped and changed. There must be a communication. There must be a conversation had about these unhealthy attitudes we have been taught, fed, or have been propagating ourselves. There must be victims and perpetrators alike, willing to be brave and courageous and share their stories. So many people think their stories are so far beyond hope and so unique to them. So many stories, when shared, are found to have so many similar patterns to them.
- Because even rereading this I know (or maybe just fear) that some will say that it was my fault....that I was asking for whatever came to me because I'd had that reel playing through my mind from the age of six from that video I was made to watch. And the part of me that hears the voices of society and struggles with Satan's tricky words wonders if maybe they are right....maybe I secretly wanted it and put myself in those situations for some sick and twisted reasons. Because even if that was the case, I deserved and still deserve better. My victimization from a young age at the hands of someone else may have led to further victimization of myself by myself, but that doesn't make me a bad person or an object nor does it justify those boys' actions.
- The first time I went to a therapist she asked me why I was there and what I hoped to get out of being there. My answer was "I have realized that there is a pattern among the women in my family of being abused by men in their lives and I do not want to pass that on to my daughter. It stops with me."
Read some of those hashtags and tell me you don't see it too.
This is my story that I own. I won't let shame own it any longer.
Showing posts with label self-discovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-discovery. Show all posts
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
abiding
I've been working on writing out and owning my story. Not just the events of my life and things that have happened to me, but how I have felt about those things. Realize that I had to turn off the faucet of emotions for a lot of my life simply to cope with some of the traumatic events and stress that I felt. I didn't know better. That was just the only way to deal. Now I am experiencing those events in a new way.
There have been some unintended side effects.
Recently I had a dream that brought to mind a particular point in my life that I was struggling to face and move through. Deeply personal. It involved another person and we are at a completely different point in our relationship now so it felt wrong to disturb that. However, it became clear that owning my story needed to included owning all the parts of it, all the feelings with it, and how I feel about it still. So I approached the loved one about it. I don't know if I was expecting validation or pleas of forgiveness or just an acknowledgment that I wasn't crazy. I don't know. What I know is that when they told me they didn't remember or that they didn't see it the same way, my heart sunk. It was like being that child all over again, being told that I was over-dramatizing something serious that had happened. I began to question and hear that voice again. I have struggled with just not feeling right since. I feel sad. Evidently I was looking for something in that conversation that I did not get. When someone hurts you and doesn't acknowledge that hurt, or admit to the depth of it, it can be terribly disrupting. You can question whether what happened really happened. You might tell yourself it wasn't really a big deal after all, even when it probably was. I found myself seeking out the name of the first offender in my life and looking for some validation that they had some sort of criminal record or something after what they did to me. I believe I was looking for some validation that I wasn't crazy.
What do you do when you've been abused and mistreated by people over the years whom you will never get the acknowledgment and validation from on their end? What do you do when that involves loved ones still in your life? What about when it involves people long since out of your life? I suppose you own your story. You choose to love yourself enough to say this happened even if there is no other side of the story to back you up and even if the other person, the person who hurt you, doesn't seem to think they did something so bad. When you forgive them anyway, you tell yourself that it really did happen and they really did need that forgiveness even if they didn't ask for it. You are true to yourself in that way.
Still, I've been sad.
There have been some unintended side effects.
Recently I had a dream that brought to mind a particular point in my life that I was struggling to face and move through. Deeply personal. It involved another person and we are at a completely different point in our relationship now so it felt wrong to disturb that. However, it became clear that owning my story needed to included owning all the parts of it, all the feelings with it, and how I feel about it still. So I approached the loved one about it. I don't know if I was expecting validation or pleas of forgiveness or just an acknowledgment that I wasn't crazy. I don't know. What I know is that when they told me they didn't remember or that they didn't see it the same way, my heart sunk. It was like being that child all over again, being told that I was over-dramatizing something serious that had happened. I began to question and hear that voice again. I have struggled with just not feeling right since. I feel sad. Evidently I was looking for something in that conversation that I did not get. When someone hurts you and doesn't acknowledge that hurt, or admit to the depth of it, it can be terribly disrupting. You can question whether what happened really happened. You might tell yourself it wasn't really a big deal after all, even when it probably was. I found myself seeking out the name of the first offender in my life and looking for some validation that they had some sort of criminal record or something after what they did to me. I believe I was looking for some validation that I wasn't crazy.
What do you do when you've been abused and mistreated by people over the years whom you will never get the acknowledgment and validation from on their end? What do you do when that involves loved ones still in your life? What about when it involves people long since out of your life? I suppose you own your story. You choose to love yourself enough to say this happened even if there is no other side of the story to back you up and even if the other person, the person who hurt you, doesn't seem to think they did something so bad. When you forgive them anyway, you tell yourself that it really did happen and they really did need that forgiveness even if they didn't ask for it. You are true to yourself in that way.
Still, I've been sad.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
How Shakeology changed my life for the better, and why I'm no longer drinking it- Part Two
For a more complete picture, please read Part One first.
Now this from Exodus 12:
Anyone who has seen the classic movie The Ten Commandments probably has a good visual of the 'destroying angel'. Think of this... what was significant about this? What did they do but place a mark above their doors to differentiate themselves from the others? They merely distinguished themselves as followers of the God that Moses was trying to preach about.
Now, consider this...
When you travel or go somewhere new or meet a new person and ask them what they know about Mormons, what answer do you get 9 times out of 10? Something along the lines of "they don't smoke...they don't drink... they don't drink coffee...". All these things are ways that we stand out and are identified and differentiated. All these things are because of the Word of Wisdom. Do you see what I'm getting at? No, it's not like these people never die or suffer. But they were a marked people and set apart as being choice and different, just as we.
Does this change how you view the Word of Wisdom? Because it sure did for me.
As for the what and Shakeology...
So of course the tea question came up. We have had it revealed and clarified that the term 'hot drink' refers to coffee and tea (you have to remember the time at which the revelation was given and the customs and verbage of the day). In fact, I really love this quote from Elder Packer from this talk:
Tea is sometimes misleading because it is also a method of preparation for herbs and such. When you steep herbs to make a tea, that is different than the tea that has been referred to in the scripture. What we are to avoid consumption of is tea itself....as in the tea plant (as well as those other items listed above). We are not taught to avoid them only in certain preparations or quantities. You do not have coffee whether it is iced, an ingredient in something (I confess I love mocha ice cream but now I've got to double check those ingredients), or brewed. The same is true of tea.... of the tea plant.
Did you know that green tea and black tea are from the exact same plant? They are the same! The difference is only in the preparation of the leaf. Seriously. Check out this wikipedia article about the plant. I do not access the internet during church, but I confess I looked this one up right then and there because I could scarcely believe it when he said they were from the same plant.
So here's the thing.... Green tea is definitely full of many health properties. I'm certainly not going to argue that. I will, however, point out that the same can be said of many of those other substances we choose to avoid when we follow the Word of Wisdom. Have you read a recent study touting the heart benefits of a daily glass of wine? So are you going to start drinking it? It seems to me that any statements about it being okay because of the health benefits or because of the difference in preparation would be rationalizing against something we have been taught. That is how it feels to me anyway. This is the battle I have waged within myself. 'But just look at all the health benefits I've received.' 'But look at how all those other people who are drinking it are being blessed. They must be living their lives righteously.' 'Why would God have led me to this if it wasn't okay?' Oh yah, that one was a doozy.
What I've come to the conclusion of is this... When we know better we do better. We learn line upon line and precept on precept. I can accept that I needed to experience the health benefits of Shakeology (which contains green tea if you haven't figured that one out yet) so that I could see and learn for myself how food can impact my body and how I have the power to affect it for good. Like the milk before the meat, this was how I needed to move forward in my journey. A loving Heavenly Father saw that and led me there. Sure, it's also possible that I talked myself into it because I was desperate for that challenge group (that He most definitely gave me answer that I needed to be a part of). Honestly, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I need my Savior's help to overcome my food addiction. I need His help to live authentically and whole. I need to have my very nature changed, and only He can do that. He can only do that when I am willing to submit my will to His. I simply cannot go back on what I learned and how I felt. Believe me, I wanted to. When other Beachbody coaches got up in arms about not being able to be a successful coach if you aren't drinking Shakeology yourself (because you aren't being a product of the product then), I saw my dreams of financial freedom and having my husband solely working from home floating away. At that very same instance, however, I felt that the Lord would bless me with what it was that I really needed and sufficient for the life I desired. Maybe it won't happen in the way that I imagined and could see, but it will happen. Thing is, I do still absolutely love Shakeology. If they ever come out with a version that doesn't contain green tea, then you bet your dollar I'll be first in line for it. I'm not telling you whether you should or shouldn't consume it yourself. If you aren't LDS and don't share the beliefs that I do, then absolutely have it! That is definitely not a choice I can and should make for you. My job is to give information and tools so that you can decide for yourself. For all I know, you'll be given a different answer than I.... and I do still fully support the product. If you are LDS and do continue to use Shakeology, be assured that I most definitely won't judge you. I, too, plan to continually be prayerful about it.
Besides, Beachbody is so much more than just Shakeology. It is phenomenal fitness programs and a commitment to overall healthy living that I can absolutely stand by and promote. It is also (and you probably didn't even know this) a really fabulous skin care line that I love and am so grateful to have found, since I'm not allergic to it! So I'll be darned if someone says I can't be successful because I choose to not consume a product containing green tea. Maybe my definition of success is different.
Why would I stop drinking something so great, something I loves, something that has truly changed my health for the better? Well, that part is much harder to share. I hope that those who don't share my same understanding will read with an open mind and respect. I pray that hearts will be softened and non-judgmental. I need to share what I have learned for the sake of my own integrity and because I believe that we have a duty to share light and truth within our sphere, on matter how difficult or uncomfortable.
My reasons for discontinuing Shakeology have nothing to do with the cost or the company or some other disillusionment. On the contrary, I have great feelings about Beachbody as a whole and the financial structure as a Beachbody coach make the cost of little concern to me.
It has everything to do with being a Mormon.
Now, hold up.... I know the vast majority of the Beachbody coaches in my circle are also LDS. Yes, I also know that some chief officers in the company are Mormon. I realize all of these people drink and swear by Shakeology. Ok, if not all then certainly seems like all. Why do you think this is so hard to write? I know it will not be easily accepted by many. I'm not going to try and tell you other members of my faith that you shouldn't drink Shakeology either. That's your decision to make. I do ask that you keep an open mind and heart as you read my explanation and that, if you find you are able, you pray with a sincere and humble heart to know for yourself. Your answer may be different than mine. It may not. You have to be open to either possibility.
It started a few months ago. I was slowly coming to grips with acknowledging I had not involved my Heavenly Father in my weight loss journey as I knew I needed to and that the times I had seen the most success were the times I did involve Him. I felt a continual push that I needed to search the Word of Wisdom for answers and clues as to how I should be feeding my body. I had this feeling that if I would just follow the Word of Wisdom then the Lord would bless my body to function properly (and thus lose the weight it should have by now). So I began to study talks and lessons in addition to D&C 89. I developed an idea that I should create an eating plan based on this (more on that later) and I realized the clear emphasis to really add more fruits and vegetables and reduce overall meat consumption. I had ideas and understandings like all these and more. I was still struggling to cohesively put it all together and to implement it. I felt a little like I was missing something in it. Something I just wasn't quite catching. I started praying for humility and guidance to know what to do. I knew I needed to submit my will to His more anyway, but it was scary nonetheless.
Fast forward a bit to Ward Conference. We have a phenomenal Stake President whom I greatly admire and respect. We had one of those amazing Sacrament meetings that just seemed to touch my soul and hit on things that had been on my mind. In Relief Society, our Stake President held a Q&A session. We'd had the opportunity to anonymously write him questions on a piece of paper prior to his visit. Someone had asked a question about caffeine, such as Coca-Cola, and thus the discussion on the Word of Wisdom began.
Now, before you get all up in arms or start debating different points of the Word of Wisdom and interpretations of it, just hear me out. This was the first I'd heard it explained this way and the spirit was so strong in that room, there could have been a light shining directly down. My friend who was sitting next to me is someone whom I consider a very spiritual person and even she sat agape saying "I never thought of it that way! It makes total sense!" I couldn't agree more and there was no questioning of the authority felt in that room. Trust me, I have tried to question and doubt it many times since as I wasn't sure I liked what it meant for me or how it felt with the beliefs I had at the time. I simply cannot.
I hope that I can explain this similar to how he did so that you can follow along and understand....
First the why....
Now this is the part that really got to me.
Consider the very last verse of the Word of Wisdom:
"And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that thea destroying angel shallb pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them."
Now this from Exodus 12:
For the Lord willa pass through to smite the Egyptians; and when he seeth the blood upon the lintel, and on the two side posts, the Lord willb pass over the door, and will notc suffer thed destroyer to come in unto your houses to smite you.
Anyone who has seen the classic movie The Ten Commandments probably has a good visual of the 'destroying angel'. Think of this... what was significant about this? What did they do but place a mark above their doors to differentiate themselves from the others? They merely distinguished themselves as followers of the God that Moses was trying to preach about.
Now, consider this...
When you travel or go somewhere new or meet a new person and ask them what they know about Mormons, what answer do you get 9 times out of 10? Something along the lines of "they don't smoke...they don't drink... they don't drink coffee...". All these things are ways that we stand out and are identified and differentiated. All these things are because of the Word of Wisdom. Do you see what I'm getting at? No, it's not like these people never die or suffer. But they were a marked people and set apart as being choice and different, just as we.
Does this change how you view the Word of Wisdom? Because it sure did for me.
As for the what and Shakeology...
So of course the tea question came up. We have had it revealed and clarified that the term 'hot drink' refers to coffee and tea (you have to remember the time at which the revelation was given and the customs and verbage of the day). In fact, I really love this quote from Elder Packer from this talk:
"I found in the Word of Wisdom a principle with a promise. The principle: Care for your body; avoid habit-forming stimulants, tea, coffee, tobacco, liquor, and drugs (see D&C 89:3–9). Such addictive things do little more than relieve a craving which they caused in the first place."
Tea is sometimes misleading because it is also a method of preparation for herbs and such. When you steep herbs to make a tea, that is different than the tea that has been referred to in the scripture. What we are to avoid consumption of is tea itself....as in the tea plant (as well as those other items listed above). We are not taught to avoid them only in certain preparations or quantities. You do not have coffee whether it is iced, an ingredient in something (I confess I love mocha ice cream but now I've got to double check those ingredients), or brewed. The same is true of tea.... of the tea plant.
Did you know that green tea and black tea are from the exact same plant? They are the same! The difference is only in the preparation of the leaf. Seriously. Check out this wikipedia article about the plant. I do not access the internet during church, but I confess I looked this one up right then and there because I could scarcely believe it when he said they were from the same plant.
So here's the thing.... Green tea is definitely full of many health properties. I'm certainly not going to argue that. I will, however, point out that the same can be said of many of those other substances we choose to avoid when we follow the Word of Wisdom. Have you read a recent study touting the heart benefits of a daily glass of wine? So are you going to start drinking it? It seems to me that any statements about it being okay because of the health benefits or because of the difference in preparation would be rationalizing against something we have been taught. That is how it feels to me anyway. This is the battle I have waged within myself. 'But just look at all the health benefits I've received.' 'But look at how all those other people who are drinking it are being blessed. They must be living their lives righteously.' 'Why would God have led me to this if it wasn't okay?' Oh yah, that one was a doozy.
What I've come to the conclusion of is this... When we know better we do better. We learn line upon line and precept on precept. I can accept that I needed to experience the health benefits of Shakeology (which contains green tea if you haven't figured that one out yet) so that I could see and learn for myself how food can impact my body and how I have the power to affect it for good. Like the milk before the meat, this was how I needed to move forward in my journey. A loving Heavenly Father saw that and led me there. Sure, it's also possible that I talked myself into it because I was desperate for that challenge group (that He most definitely gave me answer that I needed to be a part of). Honestly, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I need my Savior's help to overcome my food addiction. I need His help to live authentically and whole. I need to have my very nature changed, and only He can do that. He can only do that when I am willing to submit my will to His. I simply cannot go back on what I learned and how I felt. Believe me, I wanted to. When other Beachbody coaches got up in arms about not being able to be a successful coach if you aren't drinking Shakeology yourself (because you aren't being a product of the product then), I saw my dreams of financial freedom and having my husband solely working from home floating away. At that very same instance, however, I felt that the Lord would bless me with what it was that I really needed and sufficient for the life I desired. Maybe it won't happen in the way that I imagined and could see, but it will happen. Thing is, I do still absolutely love Shakeology. If they ever come out with a version that doesn't contain green tea, then you bet your dollar I'll be first in line for it. I'm not telling you whether you should or shouldn't consume it yourself. If you aren't LDS and don't share the beliefs that I do, then absolutely have it! That is definitely not a choice I can and should make for you. My job is to give information and tools so that you can decide for yourself. For all I know, you'll be given a different answer than I.... and I do still fully support the product. If you are LDS and do continue to use Shakeology, be assured that I most definitely won't judge you. I, too, plan to continually be prayerful about it.
Besides, Beachbody is so much more than just Shakeology. It is phenomenal fitness programs and a commitment to overall healthy living that I can absolutely stand by and promote. It is also (and you probably didn't even know this) a really fabulous skin care line that I love and am so grateful to have found, since I'm not allergic to it! So I'll be darned if someone says I can't be successful because I choose to not consume a product containing green tea. Maybe my definition of success is different.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
How Shakeology changed my life for the better, and why I'm no longer drinking it- Part One
It was a year ago exactly that I first tried Shakeology. I became interested in it after seeing friends' posts about it helping with their migraines, inflammation, mood, weight loss and more. I was desperate for weight loss, yes, but I knew the accountability of a challenge group was what I needed for that. Sure, the challenge group had a requirement of needing to drink the Shakeology each day so that may have nudged me a bit more toward the commitment to it. Ultimately though, it was different reasons that really led me to try Shakeology.
Reason numero uno: My allergies were out of control. Seriously, it was terrible. I park in our driveway and it isn't far from the front door to my car in the driveway. Even still, I found myself completely unable to function during allergy season if I so much as drove my kids to school. In that short distance to the car, I found myself gobsmacked by a roaring headache and completely wiped out for the rest of the day. Then there were the times I couldn't see much through my watery eyes or that I found myself wheezing just standing outside. Yah, it was BAD. I mean, I knew that I was about as allergic as you can get to every pollen in the area (that was a fun test to take) and I'd heard that allergies generally get worse as you get older, so I guess it only stood to reason. I reached a point that I finally broke down and asked my doctor for those allergy shots he had mentioned two years prior. Guess what? I was denied. That's right. He said NO. Apparently, having to use Epi Pens on two separate occasions and the severity of my most recent anaphylaxis disqualified me for immunotherapy. It was just too risky. So I was left to my own devices, some nasal spray, and Mucinex D (because I'm allergic to all the other allergy meds). Yah, that's real. Point being, I was desperate. It stood to reason (in my mind at least) that if Shakeology helped reduce inflammation and allergies were and inflammatory response, then Shakeology should help me with my allergies.
Result: A year later I can unequivocally say that nothing has helped my allergies more than Shakeology. I have been through two allergy seasons with barely a flinch while friends are 'dying' from their allergies. I haven't had a sinus infection either. Well, maybe one. I think. After a race it seems like. Or maybe it was right when I started eating clean and my body was getting rid of junk. I can't tell you how freeing it has been to live my life during my favorite weather seasons- fall and spring.
Reason numero dos: Girl problems. Guys, if this is TMI for you then just skip past this section. Ladies, imagine having your period twice a month. Cravings, mood swings, and all. Yep. That's what was happening to me. It had been for about a year but I was too embarrassed by the fact that I looked pregnant when I was not to get myself to the OB/GYN. I finally worked up the courage to as part of this new found commitment to my health. Test results revealed multiple ovarian cysts disrupting my cycle and confusing my hormones as well as other endometrial abnormalities. This was particularly shocking for me as prior to all this I was so regular from the day I started at 11 years old that I never even got a break after having each kid of mine. The doctor tried to convince me to go back on birth control (never my friend) or to consider discussing hysterectomy. We had to follow up in a couple of months anyway to see how they changed and determine what types of cysts they were as the reports gave varied guesses. Remember, a year I'd had mid-cycle bleeding, cramping, and a crazy obsession for chocolate.
Result: By 6 weeks into drinking Shakeology I had no more irregular periods. No more mid-cycle bleeding. No PMS cravings at all. It became such a back part of my mind that I even found myself completely unprepared at a theme park even though it was the right time of the month. I just didn't even notice it approaching. Follow-up testing after 2 months of Shakeology showed a 100% completely normal uterus. No more ovarian cysts at all. I thought it was just a fluke but it continued. During the holidays and another time, I became inconsistent in drinking Shakeology- having it maybe 3x a week instead of every day. Sure as night and day, those mid-cycle problems came right back!
Reason numero tres: Energy and weight loss. Okay, what mom doesn't want this? I have 4 kids close in age and I have hypothyroidism and low Vitamin D levels. Seriously, some days it's like a miracle that I function at all!
Result: After just a week of drinking Shakeology, I had the weirdest thing happen. It felt like a fog had been lifted from my brain. A fog I didn't even know I was in. Feeling that clarity gave me joy and excitement, which translated to more energy. Did the Shakeology help with weight loss? Well, yes and no. It's still a huge struggle for me. What it did help with was cravings and mood swings by giving my body such a dense dose of nutrition it desperately needed- things that could easily turn to uncontrolled and unhealthy eating. Getting a handle on those definitely helps with weight loss. It also provided a daily reminder of a commitment to health, which in turn led to better behaviors. Plus, having it be so convenient and the same cost as some Lean Cuisine or fast food, meant I would regularly forego the temptation to eat that stuff in favor of the Shakeology.... with so many more nutrients, it isn't even comparable.
All of these are just some of the reasons I have been drinking Shakeology for the past year. I'm not kidding or exaggerating. I really mean it when I say I love it and I noticed a real difference in how I feel with it (sidenote: my vision and thyroid have also improved over the last year). My kids love it as well and beg me for it. It serves as a nice bribery tool. My kindergartner hates to eat lunch but would never complain if I offered Shakeology. It is such a convenient meal when on the road or on vacation. It's a great pre-race meal for me and keeps my blood sugar steady through the long triathlons.
So why would I stop drinking something so great, something I love, something that has truly changed my health for the better? Well, that part is much harder to share and I will in Part Two.
Reason numero uno: My allergies were out of control. Seriously, it was terrible. I park in our driveway and it isn't far from the front door to my car in the driveway. Even still, I found myself completely unable to function during allergy season if I so much as drove my kids to school. In that short distance to the car, I found myself gobsmacked by a roaring headache and completely wiped out for the rest of the day. Then there were the times I couldn't see much through my watery eyes or that I found myself wheezing just standing outside. Yah, it was BAD. I mean, I knew that I was about as allergic as you can get to every pollen in the area (that was a fun test to take) and I'd heard that allergies generally get worse as you get older, so I guess it only stood to reason. I reached a point that I finally broke down and asked my doctor for those allergy shots he had mentioned two years prior. Guess what? I was denied. That's right. He said NO. Apparently, having to use Epi Pens on two separate occasions and the severity of my most recent anaphylaxis disqualified me for immunotherapy. It was just too risky. So I was left to my own devices, some nasal spray, and Mucinex D (because I'm allergic to all the other allergy meds). Yah, that's real. Point being, I was desperate. It stood to reason (in my mind at least) that if Shakeology helped reduce inflammation and allergies were and inflammatory response, then Shakeology should help me with my allergies.
Result: A year later I can unequivocally say that nothing has helped my allergies more than Shakeology. I have been through two allergy seasons with barely a flinch while friends are 'dying' from their allergies. I haven't had a sinus infection either. Well, maybe one. I think. After a race it seems like. Or maybe it was right when I started eating clean and my body was getting rid of junk. I can't tell you how freeing it has been to live my life during my favorite weather seasons- fall and spring.
Reason numero dos: Girl problems. Guys, if this is TMI for you then just skip past this section. Ladies, imagine having your period twice a month. Cravings, mood swings, and all. Yep. That's what was happening to me. It had been for about a year but I was too embarrassed by the fact that I looked pregnant when I was not to get myself to the OB/GYN. I finally worked up the courage to as part of this new found commitment to my health. Test results revealed multiple ovarian cysts disrupting my cycle and confusing my hormones as well as other endometrial abnormalities. This was particularly shocking for me as prior to all this I was so regular from the day I started at 11 years old that I never even got a break after having each kid of mine. The doctor tried to convince me to go back on birth control (never my friend) or to consider discussing hysterectomy. We had to follow up in a couple of months anyway to see how they changed and determine what types of cysts they were as the reports gave varied guesses. Remember, a year I'd had mid-cycle bleeding, cramping, and a crazy obsession for chocolate.
Result: By 6 weeks into drinking Shakeology I had no more irregular periods. No more mid-cycle bleeding. No PMS cravings at all. It became such a back part of my mind that I even found myself completely unprepared at a theme park even though it was the right time of the month. I just didn't even notice it approaching. Follow-up testing after 2 months of Shakeology showed a 100% completely normal uterus. No more ovarian cysts at all. I thought it was just a fluke but it continued. During the holidays and another time, I became inconsistent in drinking Shakeology- having it maybe 3x a week instead of every day. Sure as night and day, those mid-cycle problems came right back!
Reason numero tres: Energy and weight loss. Okay, what mom doesn't want this? I have 4 kids close in age and I have hypothyroidism and low Vitamin D levels. Seriously, some days it's like a miracle that I function at all!
Result: After just a week of drinking Shakeology, I had the weirdest thing happen. It felt like a fog had been lifted from my brain. A fog I didn't even know I was in. Feeling that clarity gave me joy and excitement, which translated to more energy. Did the Shakeology help with weight loss? Well, yes and no. It's still a huge struggle for me. What it did help with was cravings and mood swings by giving my body such a dense dose of nutrition it desperately needed- things that could easily turn to uncontrolled and unhealthy eating. Getting a handle on those definitely helps with weight loss. It also provided a daily reminder of a commitment to health, which in turn led to better behaviors. Plus, having it be so convenient and the same cost as some Lean Cuisine or fast food, meant I would regularly forego the temptation to eat that stuff in favor of the Shakeology.... with so many more nutrients, it isn't even comparable.
All of these are just some of the reasons I have been drinking Shakeology for the past year. I'm not kidding or exaggerating. I really mean it when I say I love it and I noticed a real difference in how I feel with it (sidenote: my vision and thyroid have also improved over the last year). My kids love it as well and beg me for it. It serves as a nice bribery tool. My kindergartner hates to eat lunch but would never complain if I offered Shakeology. It is such a convenient meal when on the road or on vacation. It's a great pre-race meal for me and keeps my blood sugar steady through the long triathlons.
So why would I stop drinking something so great, something I love, something that has truly changed my health for the better? Well, that part is much harder to share and I will in Part Two.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
the worth of water
Ever just feel....'off'? That's me tonight. I know now that generally either means an emotion or conversation I am avoiding, or a lack of self-care. That's why I am holed up in my craft room to organize, clean, and take care of some unfinished projects. It is my self-care and I find that if I have things I am avoiding they will come naturally to me that way.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
I did it!!!
I did it!!! Completing IronGirl has been a huge dream accomplishment for me for many years. I'm so excited to be able to say I did it. Was it perfect? No. I had an asthma attack in the (very cold) water that I never fully recovered from and then I later crashed on my bike at the dismount. Was it awesome to finish? Yes. I loved having my friend and neighbor there to do it with me also. It's so much more fun having someone to beat yourself up with. ;)
Here are some of my thoughts on the race:
I do not like open water swimming so much- I felt like I was going nowhere & swallowed a lot of nasty water. It is one extremely hilly course- which makes me feel a bit better about my not-so-great time. Triathamom feels like a baby course compared to this. You should really slow down a lot more than I did before jumping off your bike. I don't have to have music to work hard. That felt like an accomplishment in itself. You should not accidentally drop a safety pin in your sock. Good thing that didn't pop open! Even if you think your bike is fine, you should get it checked out when there is free tuning available, otherwise your gears that work best on the uphills might have gotten knocked out of whack on your drive. It is a pretty amazing thing to see the variety of women who will do this. Don't put limitations on yourself! The stories, the body types, the ages... They will inspire you. A .3 mile uphill to transition from swim is not very nice. For that matter, starting out uphill for bike and run isn't very pleasant either. My husband insists there are equal downhills for uphills but it certainly didn't feel that way. Sunrise glare makes it hard to see buoys. I should really stop not doing much of any training the month prior to the month of a major race. My time would probably be much better then. It also would have been helpful to do some bricks before....and to run more than 1.5 miles. Inhalers are good. Asthma attacks are not. Thank goodness for gels. Shakeology makes a pretty good pre-race breakfast. The Henderson PD were awesome for the support and it was great to feel safe on the bike & not have to stop. It is good to do hard things, things that scare you, and to check off your bucket list items. I pretty much rock. That's how finishing made me feel. You should do IronGirl, or some other triathlon for that reason alone. I did it. I felt good most of the time. I felt great finishing. Until next year!
Here are some of my thoughts on the race:
I do not like open water swimming so much- I felt like I was going nowhere & swallowed a lot of nasty water. It is one extremely hilly course- which makes me feel a bit better about my not-so-great time. Triathamom feels like a baby course compared to this. You should really slow down a lot more than I did before jumping off your bike. I don't have to have music to work hard. That felt like an accomplishment in itself. You should not accidentally drop a safety pin in your sock. Good thing that didn't pop open! Even if you think your bike is fine, you should get it checked out when there is free tuning available, otherwise your gears that work best on the uphills might have gotten knocked out of whack on your drive. It is a pretty amazing thing to see the variety of women who will do this. Don't put limitations on yourself! The stories, the body types, the ages... They will inspire you. A .3 mile uphill to transition from swim is not very nice. For that matter, starting out uphill for bike and run isn't very pleasant either. My husband insists there are equal downhills for uphills but it certainly didn't feel that way. Sunrise glare makes it hard to see buoys. I should really stop not doing much of any training the month prior to the month of a major race. My time would probably be much better then. It also would have been helpful to do some bricks before....and to run more than 1.5 miles. Inhalers are good. Asthma attacks are not. Thank goodness for gels. Shakeology makes a pretty good pre-race breakfast. The Henderson PD were awesome for the support and it was great to feel safe on the bike & not have to stop. It is good to do hard things, things that scare you, and to check off your bucket list items. I pretty much rock. That's how finishing made me feel. You should do IronGirl, or some other triathlon for that reason alone. I did it. I felt good most of the time. I felt great finishing. Until next year!
I still don't like open water.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
yikes
I have come to a difficult realization today. I am still scared of my own success. I thought I had overcome this as I realize it is a silly thing, and that we probably fear our own success because we think it somehow invalidates our 'other' selves. Nonetheless, I have caught myself today trying to sabotage my own success at the same time as envisioning it. Clearly, that's not gonna fly.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
In defense of my former self
Dear Self;
You lived a life that many didn't see. One that even you didn't fully come to terms with and allow yourself to see until you were almost 30. It's time to let it all out and see that it is okay. Everyone has baggage. Everyone has skeletons in the closet. Some have more than others. That's okay. It doesn't mean you were bad or deserved any less. It doesn't meant that you had to learn lessons the hard way or that you were a tool being used by God to learn a lesson you could share with others. You suffered the consequences of other's agency for many years and didn't realize that's all it was. You took it out on God, not fully trusting Him, because you thought He was using you. You were happy to submit to Him. At least He loved you. You wanted to do good and be good and so you willingly became His martyr, His victim, His tool to help others because you knew that you would share and be empathetic...because that's who you are. This was the only reality you knew. This was how you understood things and thus how you lived your life for decades. You know what? It's okay.
You were molested. More than once. By different people. They told you that 'you asked for it' and 'deserved it.'
You were forced to watch explicit pornography as a kindergartner by your friend's dad. The same friend who you used to have sleepovers with and where you developed a nervousness for sleeping with the door closed and waiting for someone to come in. The same one you would hide in the berry bush with.
You grieved the sudden loss of your grandma that you adored when you were in 6th grade.
You didn't understand how to process the pain. You didn't want to be sad because you didn't want to make your mom sad and have her hurt more.
Two years later you grieved the sudden loss of a boy you had a crush on that lived near you and rode the bus with you. You were confused why you hurt so much again. You were tired of feeling like an inconvenience to those who were supposed to love you unconditionally and tired of feeling like something to be used by everyone else. You took more pills than you were supposed to of a drug that you reacted badly to in a half-hearted attempt to end your life so you could be with your grandma in a happy place again. Your friend, bless her heart, told on you and dragged you to the school psychologist...who told on you to your mom....who thankfully wasn't mad or even overly sad.
Two years later you grieved the loss of another schoolmate in an accident you saw from your house.
Two years later, you buried your mom a month after graduating high school.
You wondered what lesson it was that you were missing that you kept losing all these people in your life.
You were nearly raped. You still aren't sure how you got out of that, only that you remember the boy's friend watching and laughing and the boy saying "this is what you came here for anyway isn't it?" and you thought it was punishment for lying to your parents about where you were going. You thought maybe this was just how boys showed they like you and maybe you should just learn to like it. Except that other boy standing there laughing was a big red flag and you somehow came to your senses and got out.
You spent many years having dreams that haunted you and made you feel dirty and guilty. They were out of your control but they controlled how you felt. It wasn't until your late teens that you recognized it was a replaying of those scenes you saw as a kindergartner. It wasn't until your late 20s that you understood it wasn't your fault.
After your mom died, you had night terrors where you dreamed you or some other family member killed her. Your brother accused you of causing her brain aneurysm because the day before you had pulled her over in a low-lying lawnchair as part of a family joke and she hit her head. You wondered if he was right. You wondered if other people thought the same. Even after 2 neurologists told you it was a ticking time bomb and your actions wouldn't have set it off any sooner. You wondered if she 'left' because you told her in the hospital that day (not that you even know if she could hear you) that you understood she missed her mom and you would take care of things on this end so she could go and that you'd understand and it would be okay. Would she have stayed if you had been more willing to fight?
Your dad didn't talk to you for years because he was upset that you said he didn't love you in an upset middle-schooler fight. He thought you owed him an apology for your disrespect. You thought he was just confirming your accusations and should try to make you feel loved. You were a middle-schooler after all.
The boys in 5th grade made fun of you during the pledge of allegiance, saying you were grabbing yourself because you were already developing.
The boys in 8th grade cat-called you if you ever wore a skirt or low-cut shirt. It made you feel important.
The boys in high school apparently said you were an amazing kisser and talked about you. So you found out later from a friend who had kissed you, and then told you that was why.
You caught your 2 best friends in high school trying on your (size 9) pants and dancing around laughing at your 'clown pants'.
You overheard your parents fighting about you being in summer school PE, which you thought was just so you would be able to take art class during the school year instead, and there being ice cream in the house. You heard your dad liken you to a whale and say that the ice cream shouldn't be around.
In your anger and hurt, you called a friend and decided to try pot to see what all the fuss was about and to really piss him off like he had hurt you. It was a one-day, one-experience kind of thing but the effect was that he again no longer spoke to you except during choir practice- because he was the choir director and you were the pianist....even though that was the only time he went to church, or at least anything more than the occasional Sacrament meeting.
In high school, you got a concussion so bad that you couldn't remember how to do simple math and couldn't read a page in a book without falling asleep.
You saw your best friend get attacked by a dog right next to you when you were 4 years old. You felt bad that it was her and not you because you didn't want her to hurt like that.
People told you that you shouldn't be sad. People told you that you were being a victim and should stop. People told you that it was all your fault. You didn't even know you were sad. You didn't even recognize the pattern of victimization. You thought it was your fault.
It wasn't true.
Self, you were victimized. You were used by others and not by God. You had hard things in your life. More than many can understand in such a short time. It doesn't mean you were deserving of those things. It doesn't make you special. It means you were strong. You survived. You, and God, have turned these things for your good.
These things do not define you, and yet they are you. Being a new and better person doesn't mean that you were a bad person before. It doesn't invalidate or lessen the worth of your self at any given stage in your life. You are simply at a different point in your life now. You are here because of what you've been through but you might have been here even without them. You might not be here without them. You could be in a different place, a much worse place, because of all this. You needn't feel bad. You are strong. You are a survivor. You have hurt and you have tried to take care of yourself and you have tried to protect yourself...all the best you could and the best you knew how with what you had at the time. You really did try your best with what you had and what you understood and where you were in your life.
I know, because I am you.
And it's okay.
Don't worry about what other's judgments have been or what they may be. Don't worry about those who've been unkind. Don't wish these things on them either. Don't think you willingly took these things upon yourself so that you would learn or so that you would get others to feel sorry for you in an attempt to feel loved. No, that's not the way. You've let it go and given it over. You are a new person but loving yourself now doesn't mean not loving yourself then. There is someone who gets that, and in the end He is all that matters.
Love,
Me.
You lived a life that many didn't see. One that even you didn't fully come to terms with and allow yourself to see until you were almost 30. It's time to let it all out and see that it is okay. Everyone has baggage. Everyone has skeletons in the closet. Some have more than others. That's okay. It doesn't mean you were bad or deserved any less. It doesn't meant that you had to learn lessons the hard way or that you were a tool being used by God to learn a lesson you could share with others. You suffered the consequences of other's agency for many years and didn't realize that's all it was. You took it out on God, not fully trusting Him, because you thought He was using you. You were happy to submit to Him. At least He loved you. You wanted to do good and be good and so you willingly became His martyr, His victim, His tool to help others because you knew that you would share and be empathetic...because that's who you are. This was the only reality you knew. This was how you understood things and thus how you lived your life for decades. You know what? It's okay.
You were molested. More than once. By different people. They told you that 'you asked for it' and 'deserved it.'
You were forced to watch explicit pornography as a kindergartner by your friend's dad. The same friend who you used to have sleepovers with and where you developed a nervousness for sleeping with the door closed and waiting for someone to come in. The same one you would hide in the berry bush with.
You grieved the sudden loss of your grandma that you adored when you were in 6th grade.
You didn't understand how to process the pain. You didn't want to be sad because you didn't want to make your mom sad and have her hurt more.
Two years later you grieved the sudden loss of a boy you had a crush on that lived near you and rode the bus with you. You were confused why you hurt so much again. You were tired of feeling like an inconvenience to those who were supposed to love you unconditionally and tired of feeling like something to be used by everyone else. You took more pills than you were supposed to of a drug that you reacted badly to in a half-hearted attempt to end your life so you could be with your grandma in a happy place again. Your friend, bless her heart, told on you and dragged you to the school psychologist...who told on you to your mom....who thankfully wasn't mad or even overly sad.
Two years later you grieved the loss of another schoolmate in an accident you saw from your house.
Two years later, you buried your mom a month after graduating high school.
You wondered what lesson it was that you were missing that you kept losing all these people in your life.
You were nearly raped. You still aren't sure how you got out of that, only that you remember the boy's friend watching and laughing and the boy saying "this is what you came here for anyway isn't it?" and you thought it was punishment for lying to your parents about where you were going. You thought maybe this was just how boys showed they like you and maybe you should just learn to like it. Except that other boy standing there laughing was a big red flag and you somehow came to your senses and got out.
You spent many years having dreams that haunted you and made you feel dirty and guilty. They were out of your control but they controlled how you felt. It wasn't until your late teens that you recognized it was a replaying of those scenes you saw as a kindergartner. It wasn't until your late 20s that you understood it wasn't your fault.
After your mom died, you had night terrors where you dreamed you or some other family member killed her. Your brother accused you of causing her brain aneurysm because the day before you had pulled her over in a low-lying lawnchair as part of a family joke and she hit her head. You wondered if he was right. You wondered if other people thought the same. Even after 2 neurologists told you it was a ticking time bomb and your actions wouldn't have set it off any sooner. You wondered if she 'left' because you told her in the hospital that day (not that you even know if she could hear you) that you understood she missed her mom and you would take care of things on this end so she could go and that you'd understand and it would be okay. Would she have stayed if you had been more willing to fight?
Your dad didn't talk to you for years because he was upset that you said he didn't love you in an upset middle-schooler fight. He thought you owed him an apology for your disrespect. You thought he was just confirming your accusations and should try to make you feel loved. You were a middle-schooler after all.
The boys in 5th grade made fun of you during the pledge of allegiance, saying you were grabbing yourself because you were already developing.
The boys in 8th grade cat-called you if you ever wore a skirt or low-cut shirt. It made you feel important.
The boys in high school apparently said you were an amazing kisser and talked about you. So you found out later from a friend who had kissed you, and then told you that was why.
You caught your 2 best friends in high school trying on your (size 9) pants and dancing around laughing at your 'clown pants'.
You overheard your parents fighting about you being in summer school PE, which you thought was just so you would be able to take art class during the school year instead, and there being ice cream in the house. You heard your dad liken you to a whale and say that the ice cream shouldn't be around.
In your anger and hurt, you called a friend and decided to try pot to see what all the fuss was about and to really piss him off like he had hurt you. It was a one-day, one-experience kind of thing but the effect was that he again no longer spoke to you except during choir practice- because he was the choir director and you were the pianist....even though that was the only time he went to church, or at least anything more than the occasional Sacrament meeting.
In high school, you got a concussion so bad that you couldn't remember how to do simple math and couldn't read a page in a book without falling asleep.
You saw your best friend get attacked by a dog right next to you when you were 4 years old. You felt bad that it was her and not you because you didn't want her to hurt like that.
People told you that you shouldn't be sad. People told you that you were being a victim and should stop. People told you that it was all your fault. You didn't even know you were sad. You didn't even recognize the pattern of victimization. You thought it was your fault.
It wasn't true.
Self, you were victimized. You were used by others and not by God. You had hard things in your life. More than many can understand in such a short time. It doesn't mean you were deserving of those things. It doesn't make you special. It means you were strong. You survived. You, and God, have turned these things for your good.
These things do not define you, and yet they are you. Being a new and better person doesn't mean that you were a bad person before. It doesn't invalidate or lessen the worth of your self at any given stage in your life. You are simply at a different point in your life now. You are here because of what you've been through but you might have been here even without them. You might not be here without them. You could be in a different place, a much worse place, because of all this. You needn't feel bad. You are strong. You are a survivor. You have hurt and you have tried to take care of yourself and you have tried to protect yourself...all the best you could and the best you knew how with what you had at the time. You really did try your best with what you had and what you understood and where you were in your life.
I know, because I am you.
And it's okay.
Don't worry about what other's judgments have been or what they may be. Don't worry about those who've been unkind. Don't wish these things on them either. Don't think you willingly took these things upon yourself so that you would learn or so that you would get others to feel sorry for you in an attempt to feel loved. No, that's not the way. You've let it go and given it over. You are a new person but loving yourself now doesn't mean not loving yourself then. There is someone who gets that, and in the end He is all that matters.
Love,
Me.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
a little history lesson
I've been contacted recently by a few people who have wanted some more background on my relationship with my husband and the struggles we have gone through. There is some of it on this blog in further years back, but I realize not everyone reads older posts and even still there are a lot of holes there because I wasn't writing regularly at the time.
Although this happened a few years ago and although some of you may know some who are involved, I am sharing it out of a greater concern for those who I know need to hear this. Those who know my husband and his family, I trust to respect the privacy of those involved and to withhold judgement. This is the story of 'the situation' (as referenced in earlier posts) as I have told it to some recently. This was a major turning point and I feel that all of us involved have improved and found blessings since:
The Situation
AKA When I got my impression that divorce was okay
Well, it turns out that's where he was 'using'. My husband is different than most in that his primary porn source is actually literature. That's a whole lot harder to block with a filter. It's also a lot easier to disguise at work. It isn't that the pictures don't do it for him or that he never looks at them...but it is something about the living vicariously through the stories....
To say I was livid would be an understatement. Here he was telling me he was doing so good, going to recovery meetings, trying his best....and there is THIS at work? And I'm supposed to believe him?! How is he EVER supposed to be ok while that is there? Why is he, or his dad or ANY of the other LDS guys he works with okay with letting that be there? How do they expect the business to be successful (economy hasn't been so great here) and have the blessing of Heavenly Father while they allow THAT? How did he expect to build any kind of trust?
I felt like every day was this battle with Satan in my head. Like a full blown exhausting war was being waged within me and I hated it.
His dad got rid of the desk and my husband was FURIOUS with me. Seriously, I have seen him mad at other people but I have never seen him mad at me like that- before or since. He felt I went behind his back and was completely out of line. I refused to apologize. He quit talking to me. Of course this only fanned flames of doubt in my mind. If he was really making good choices then why would he react in such a way?That was when I went to the temple out of desperation because I was so confused about how to act, react, interpret...everything. I got a very distinct impression that I had 'done my part' finally- made every sacrifice possible to show my personal humility and willingness to put things in the Lord's hands and stood up for what was right...and that if I did not see changes in DH it would be okay to get a divorce because the Lord said I had made every effort on my end.
What's interesting though is that the very next week we went to the counselor together. I told him about the feeling I got at the temple. He finally talked about how my actions with the letter made him feel. We still didn't come to an agreement but it was as though my eyes were suddenly opened and I could see the broken man that he was who was just trying to do his best. It wasn't good enough in my book but it was all he had at that point in time. And that is why we are not divorced. I needed to be willing to completely give it all over (in my tailspin I had to finally reach the point where I accepted and acknowledged that inspiration and felt truly willing to take that next step even with all the fears and uncertainty- and judgement from others- that would come with it) I think now that I needed the Lord's validation of my feelings and path in the prompting I got at the temple. Feeling that validation scared me to death (like I was afraid of my own power or control of the situation) but led me to self-examination that led me to humility that allowed my eyes to be more fully opened.
Although this happened a few years ago and although some of you may know some who are involved, I am sharing it out of a greater concern for those who I know need to hear this. Those who know my husband and his family, I trust to respect the privacy of those involved and to withhold judgement. This is the story of 'the situation' (as referenced in earlier posts) as I have told it to some recently. This was a major turning point and I feel that all of us involved have improved and found blessings since:
The Situation
AKA When I got my impression that divorce was okay
First, you have to know the background....The nature of living in Las Vegas and being in the air conditioning industry means sometimes early mornings and late hours, especially during the summertime. So sometimes he'd tell me he was going to be home late or sometimes he'd go in early to unload a truck or get some things done before things got crazy once they opened.
So at the warehouse my kids sometimes run around and dad gives them rides on the forklift and that sort of thing. I don't recall how far into the whole recovery thing we were when I was walking around the warehouse while my boys played and came upon a sort of desk area that the warehouse workers (2 guys that he is over) had set up. There was a desk covered in pictures. Not the worst I've seen but the kind you'd find in GQ or Maxim.
To say I was livid would be an understatement. Here he was telling me he was doing so good, going to recovery meetings, trying his best....and there is THIS at work? And I'm supposed to believe him?! How is he EVER supposed to be ok while that is there? Why is he, or his dad or ANY of the other LDS guys he works with okay with letting that be there? How do they expect the business to be successful (economy hasn't been so great here) and have the blessing of Heavenly Father while they allow THAT? How did he expect to build any kind of trust?
And my son, who was turning 8 in a few months, had seen it all. So I was doubly livid.
Pretty sure I kicked him out again at that point. I could go ask him but he'd probably say "I try to block all that out of my mind."
This caused me major trouble. On the one hand I felt like he was doing well and he was choosing to go to meetings, saying how they help, doing steps and making personal changes I could see. On the other it felt like asking an alcoholic to work in a bar.
I felt like every day was this battle with Satan in my head. Like a full blown exhausting war was being waged within me and I hated it.
So he promised me that this desk will be gone. For weeks and months he tells me he has bugged this person or that person about needing to get rid of it. One person or another claims that they will but then they don't do anything. At that point he's still dealing with being major shame-based so he is having a hard time with how to say what but I say 'too bad, you better figure it out.' How was I supposed to believe that he was even saying anything to anyone anyway?
I kept trying to put my foot down, and being a situation involving others I didn't know at what point to draw what line. I had already drawn a boundary that no early or late hours or after hours weekend calls would be allowed and I was immensely grateful for the support received on that and lack of any fighting back about it. The company was moving their warehouse and he assured me that he was assured by the guys that the desk would not be making the move. So I opted to wait and see. He told me after the move that he was so mad at them because there it was and he was upset that he wasn't respected (which has been his issue at work and part of his background with his addiction) and nobody would take him seriously etc. I didn't know whether to believe and trust that he was genuinely as upset by this as I, or if he was trying to cover his tracks because he knew I'd look for it as soon as I visited him at work.
I continued to let it go for a little while after it but it was a serious thorn in my side and I needed it out. After praying I finally I needed to take matters into my own hands. I might not have any right to do anything at his place of employment, but I do have the right to say something to his boss if his boss is his father and I wasn't okay with letting that stay there. So I wrote a letter to both of his parents. I explained to them what he had told me of his version of the story, and my feelings about it. I told them how he needed to feel that he was supported by his family and that this was a way that could be done. Then I told them my feelings- that I was prepared to give him an ultimatum: me, the job, or the desk - and that I hoped that as his parents they would not want him to be in that position and that I did not want to have to find out the answer.
His dad got rid of the desk and my husband was FURIOUS with me. Seriously, I have seen him mad at other people but I have never seen him mad at me like that- before or since. He felt I went behind his back and was completely out of line. I refused to apologize. He quit talking to me. Of course this only fanned flames of doubt in my mind. If he was really making good choices then why would he react in such a way?That was when I went to the temple out of desperation because I was so confused about how to act, react, interpret...everything. I got a very distinct impression that I had 'done my part' finally- made every sacrifice possible to show my personal humility and willingness to put things in the Lord's hands and stood up for what was right...and that if I did not see changes in DH it would be okay to get a divorce because the Lord said I had made every effort on my end.
I was shocked, scared, and relieved to get that impression. And it sent me into a tailspin where I gained 10 lbs in less than a month but that's a different story.
What's interesting though is that the very next week we went to the counselor together. I told him about the feeling I got at the temple. He finally talked about how my actions with the letter made him feel. We still didn't come to an agreement but it was as though my eyes were suddenly opened and I could see the broken man that he was who was just trying to do his best. It wasn't good enough in my book but it was all he had at that point in time. And that is why we are not divorced. I needed to be willing to completely give it all over (in my tailspin I had to finally reach the point where I accepted and acknowledged that inspiration and felt truly willing to take that next step even with all the fears and uncertainty- and judgement from others- that would come with it) I think now that I needed the Lord's validation of my feelings and path in the prompting I got at the temple. Feeling that validation scared me to death (like I was afraid of my own power or control of the situation) but led me to self-examination that led me to humility that allowed my eyes to be more fully opened.
^THAT actually was the point at which I realized *I* had a problem. It makes me sad that it wasn't enough for me to change then but I accept now that it was and is a process. There have been bumps along the road for me personally since that time and I needed those experiences to teach me to help shape me to who I am now.
Something interesting that I learned is that we sometimes 'pad' ourselves. Quite frequently those who have eating disorders (on both ends of the spectrum) are unconsciously (or even consciously) trying to make themselves 'disappear'. The anorexic wants to become so small that she isn't noticed so nobody thinks to hurt her. The overweight wants to become undesirable so that nobody hurts or uses her anymore. I would add that the married to a porn addict or struggling with a marriage wants to make herself undesirable to her husband so that she doesn't have to deal with his advances while trying to detach or while trying to figure things out. OR she wants to 'feel stuck' as though no one else would want her because she feels like damaged goods or feels afraid of her own empowerment. Those are all feelings that I have felt.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
dreaming big
A year ago my husband and I had this dream. We decided to open up a shop on Etsy as a way to hopefully pay for our hobbies and, if we were lucky, maybe even earn some extra money for Christmas and paying off debt and fun stuff etc. See, DH had gotten into woodworking as an alternative healthy habit instead of turning to his pornography addiction. It was a healthy outlet and he found he was actually pretty good at it. He always thought of me as the creative one in the family (since I've been involved with art since my elementary school days) but now he was finding he was good at this and it provided him immense satisfaction and joy to make things for other people that they found joy and appreciation is. All our tools have been hand-me-downs though so we hoped that we could at least earn enough money to be able to buy him some better tools and to fund his doing this hobby just for fun. Same with me and doing art. It's a difficult thing when you know that there is a healthy and useful outlet and even a talent you've been given that you long to improve and share with others...but you feel guilty because there is an associated cost to it and money is tight and the kids come first. You know. Anyway, so we started an Etsy shop and a FB page for it a few months later, for those reasons.
I haven't thought much of where we wanted to take this until recently when goals and aspirations have been on my mind a lot more. It has always been our hope to at the very least be able to utilize it to come up with extra cash for Christmas and family vacations. I am happy to say that we were able to do both this last year. It was a tremendous, and miraculous, blessing. Additionally, even being able to do this- to have this shop up and running- is a direct results of having lost our home, of my husband's addiction recovery, of many trials that have now been turned for our good. Our new home has a shop...an extra room off the garage that is perfect for him. There was a girls' camp fundraiser shortly after we moved in that gave him the idea to try making a few things to donate. Those were so well-received that it gave him the confidence and encouragement to make that next step. See how the Lord works? He is amazing.
So the Heavens have opened lately. That is how I feel. I feel overwhelmed and blown away at how blessed we are. I believe wholeheartedly that my Heavenly Father has been wanting to bless our lives but that because He too is also bound by law, He has been unable to do so to the extent He has desired so long as we were still in addiction. As we have worked to improve our relationship with Him, to more fully turn our lives over to Him, to do the hard work of facing our weaknesses and trying to make them our strengths....He blesses us! He blesses us so much! I feel like I am still so far from perfect- like in the simple stuff of daily scripture study and prayer every single day- and yet He blesses me! All I can figure is that He knows where my heart is and he wants me to run to Him. He wants to show me that He really is there, He really does love me in all my imperfectness, and He really does want awesome things for me and is willing to help me have those if I am willing to work.
I feel so empowered when I think of this. I think how just such a short time ago I was acting upon just a glimpse of a desire. I wasn't sure that this Beachbody thing would work but I had a small enough desire to give it a change. I was afraid of admitting to and facing an eating disorder, but I had just a glimmer of a hope that the change I saw in my husband could happen with me.
I haven't lost a ton of weight and yet I am finally able to envision that other me. The fit and healthy and unstoppable me. I see her again. I couldn't find her for a long time. I don't feel that it's like I'm some suddenly different person. I see it more as having been in a place of light for so long that my eyes had adjusted and I didn't see just how much brighter it could be.....I didn't realize not all the lights were on, until they were on. It's tasting that delicious fruit of the tree of life and wanting to share it with others because you didn't realize how much you were missing out on.
I have this way secret desire for my husband to be able to follow his dreams and passions while supporting our family. Secretly he has always wanted to be a helicopter pilot, and he loves working with his hands. Wouldn't it be amazing if he could actually be a woodworker and a helicopter pilot? Wouldn't he be that much more amazing by feeling that much more fulfilled? I can actually see that happening now. I don't know if it will...but I do believe it can if he really wants it.
Why the change?
Those blessings.
God makes anything possible. Gratitude makes more possible. Humility allows God to work through us and pour out Heaven on our heads.
And because we have changed.
We have struggled for so long.... health and finances in particular. I see a light at the end of that tunnel at last. I heard it all.... I was blamed for our health struggles. I was told I was a hypochondriac. I was told it was my fault that my kids had allergies or asthma and that if I just was a better mother, or more clean or fed them better then we would all be better. We were blamed for finances beyond our control. Were there decisions we could have made better? Were there bad choices made? Absolutely. Was it our fault when the job market crashed and a second job wasn't to be found? Was it our fault when DH unexpectedly became too sick to hold a second job? Were we responsible for the housing market crashing just as we were selling our house and moving into another that we had already calculated an appropriate amount of debt according to the income that was supposed to be coming in soon? Nope. Could we have done that differently? Sure....but we wouldn't have had the trial of our faith and learned the lessons we did in those years that followed. When DH's problem very first came out, many many years ago and before I realized it was an addiction rather than a problem, he had just lost his job and we were living off our savings. I couldn't understand why we weren't blessed with a job or this or that when we were trying so hard.... and then when I found out about that I blamed him. How could we expect blessings when he wasn't living worthy of them. Sadly, it is often the consequence of life as an addict or as one married to an addict. It is the consequence of being married to someone breaking their marital covenants. It is a sad fact that we suffer the consequences of another's actions in a way that other's see without seeing the whole picture, without seeing the backstory that we know. So it is. It is also a beautiful and miraculous thing when the Lord is able to use those things for our good as He has for us.....over a lot of time and difficulty.
Please be aware of that when you are making observations of another's situation....health, finances, happiness, trials and joy. You just don't know.
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DH received a message from a customer yesterday. This is someone whom he had made this beautiful journal for them to write letters to their child in. A friend from high school (who I admittedly had sort of mixed feelings about because they'd been really close when we were starting to date and I had some jealousy issues there). That's beside the point though. ;) She apparently visited a local Vegas attraction where some wooden items were being sold that were somewhat similar to items she knew we sold. She asked to speak with the gift shop's buyer and then told them about DH's wooden journals and other wooden items as well as his history as a LV native and more. According to the message received from the customer, the buyer is extremely interested in DH's stuff and wants to talk about carrying it in the gift shop. Are you serious?! Dream big people. Dream big. Things can happen. Put it out there. I have long since admired a friend of mine who is making a living as an artist. I remember just a few years ago when she made her first sale on Etsy. Watching her success (she now has artwork being used as signs at Target and has designed makeup packaging and been featured in magazines etc) has encouraged me to dream ... but I've still always sort of seen that as happening to 'other people' and not us. Our life was destined to be 'this way'. Nope. That was a lie Satan was telling us to rob of us our hope and blessings from God. Why do we put limits on ourselves. Limits are not there until we put them there. Children do not know limits until we tell them. God works the same way with us. Dream big for your own sake. Don't judge the smaller dreams or seemingly smaller successes of others. You don't know what's underneath.
So the Heavens have opened lately. That is how I feel. I feel overwhelmed and blown away at how blessed we are. I believe wholeheartedly that my Heavenly Father has been wanting to bless our lives but that because He too is also bound by law, He has been unable to do so to the extent He has desired so long as we were still in addiction. As we have worked to improve our relationship with Him, to more fully turn our lives over to Him, to do the hard work of facing our weaknesses and trying to make them our strengths....He blesses us! He blesses us so much! I feel like I am still so far from perfect- like in the simple stuff of daily scripture study and prayer every single day- and yet He blesses me! All I can figure is that He knows where my heart is and he wants me to run to Him. He wants to show me that He really is there, He really does love me in all my imperfectness, and He really does want awesome things for me and is willing to help me have those if I am willing to work.
I feel so empowered when I think of this. I think how just such a short time ago I was acting upon just a glimpse of a desire. I wasn't sure that this Beachbody thing would work but I had a small enough desire to give it a change. I was afraid of admitting to and facing an eating disorder, but I had just a glimmer of a hope that the change I saw in my husband could happen with me.
I haven't lost a ton of weight and yet I am finally able to envision that other me. The fit and healthy and unstoppable me. I see her again. I couldn't find her for a long time. I don't feel that it's like I'm some suddenly different person. I see it more as having been in a place of light for so long that my eyes had adjusted and I didn't see just how much brighter it could be.....I didn't realize not all the lights were on, until they were on. It's tasting that delicious fruit of the tree of life and wanting to share it with others because you didn't realize how much you were missing out on.
I have this way secret desire for my husband to be able to follow his dreams and passions while supporting our family. Secretly he has always wanted to be a helicopter pilot, and he loves working with his hands. Wouldn't it be amazing if he could actually be a woodworker and a helicopter pilot? Wouldn't he be that much more amazing by feeling that much more fulfilled? I can actually see that happening now. I don't know if it will...but I do believe it can if he really wants it.
Why the change?
Those blessings.
God makes anything possible. Gratitude makes more possible. Humility allows God to work through us and pour out Heaven on our heads.
And because we have changed.
We have struggled for so long.... health and finances in particular. I see a light at the end of that tunnel at last. I heard it all.... I was blamed for our health struggles. I was told I was a hypochondriac. I was told it was my fault that my kids had allergies or asthma and that if I just was a better mother, or more clean or fed them better then we would all be better. We were blamed for finances beyond our control. Were there decisions we could have made better? Were there bad choices made? Absolutely. Was it our fault when the job market crashed and a second job wasn't to be found? Was it our fault when DH unexpectedly became too sick to hold a second job? Were we responsible for the housing market crashing just as we were selling our house and moving into another that we had already calculated an appropriate amount of debt according to the income that was supposed to be coming in soon? Nope. Could we have done that differently? Sure....but we wouldn't have had the trial of our faith and learned the lessons we did in those years that followed. When DH's problem very first came out, many many years ago and before I realized it was an addiction rather than a problem, he had just lost his job and we were living off our savings. I couldn't understand why we weren't blessed with a job or this or that when we were trying so hard.... and then when I found out about that I blamed him. How could we expect blessings when he wasn't living worthy of them. Sadly, it is often the consequence of life as an addict or as one married to an addict. It is the consequence of being married to someone breaking their marital covenants. It is a sad fact that we suffer the consequences of another's actions in a way that other's see without seeing the whole picture, without seeing the backstory that we know. So it is. It is also a beautiful and miraculous thing when the Lord is able to use those things for our good as He has for us.....over a lot of time and difficulty.
Please be aware of that when you are making observations of another's situation....health, finances, happiness, trials and joy. You just don't know.
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| not sure the source on this one, sorry. was shared in my challenge group today |
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
challenge group and 12 step program
I'm working on a project this week that I've been wanting to work on for a while. One that I've felt was 'meant for me'. Something I might even feel 'called' to do.
In our FB fitness challenge groups we do daily mini-challenges. These are generally geared toward personal development. There are some physical challenges, but the majority are related to personal development. They have been wonderful, and key to the change I have experienced in the last nearly 90 days.
I knew that they could be better.
I've done the PASG/Healing Through Christ program (please do it even if you think you don't need to- you will grow closer to your Savior in such a real way!) and even helped in writing the manual for it. I've done the ARP program (I'll be real with you... I have some to be desired on actually doing every single step thoroughly in regards to myself...but I promise to! that's another post...). I've also done something called SOLE (Survivors of Life's Experiences). It was truly life-changing and involved sort of a different version of the 12 steps and a lot of hands-on application of steps and working through things. It was a program done through LDS Family Services on a referral basis and I feel incredibly blessed to have had the experience that I did, even if I resisted the referral at first. This has a good little rundown of some of the steps and information that are found in the manual from that. To my knowledge, the program is no longer in effect.
So my project is to combine all these things that I have experienced and learned and grown from, with the mini-challenges used in this last group I participated in, to develop a new set of challenges and things to ponder and apply etc. I do this with some other coaches as well (which is really great because we all have our own strengths and weaknesses but all want each other and our challengers to be successful so everyone is better helped and served this way) so it will be up to them in the end to help me tweak what gets used for this group that starts on Monday. However, I've wanted to combine the 3 programs for quite some time now, even just for my own benefit. I'm looking forward to the challenge of it and the way I know it will really help me and others. I have had the whispering to do it for quite some time. I think I just needed the excuse to finally sit down and take the time to act upon that. I pray I will be guided in doing so.
In our FB fitness challenge groups we do daily mini-challenges. These are generally geared toward personal development. There are some physical challenges, but the majority are related to personal development. They have been wonderful, and key to the change I have experienced in the last nearly 90 days.
I knew that they could be better.
I've done the PASG/Healing Through Christ program (please do it even if you think you don't need to- you will grow closer to your Savior in such a real way!) and even helped in writing the manual for it. I've done the ARP program (I'll be real with you... I have some to be desired on actually doing every single step thoroughly in regards to myself...but I promise to! that's another post...). I've also done something called SOLE (Survivors of Life's Experiences). It was truly life-changing and involved sort of a different version of the 12 steps and a lot of hands-on application of steps and working through things. It was a program done through LDS Family Services on a referral basis and I feel incredibly blessed to have had the experience that I did, even if I resisted the referral at first. This has a good little rundown of some of the steps and information that are found in the manual from that. To my knowledge, the program is no longer in effect.
So my project is to combine all these things that I have experienced and learned and grown from, with the mini-challenges used in this last group I participated in, to develop a new set of challenges and things to ponder and apply etc. I do this with some other coaches as well (which is really great because we all have our own strengths and weaknesses but all want each other and our challengers to be successful so everyone is better helped and served this way) so it will be up to them in the end to help me tweak what gets used for this group that starts on Monday. However, I've wanted to combine the 3 programs for quite some time now, even just for my own benefit. I'm looking forward to the challenge of it and the way I know it will really help me and others. I have had the whispering to do it for quite some time. I think I just needed the excuse to finally sit down and take the time to act upon that. I pray I will be guided in doing so.
Monday, June 24, 2013
the truth of the matter.
Please be patient with me as I try to work through some feelings I am having. You know when you can feel something gnawing at you and you know it has something to do with your foul mood, but you don't know what that is precisely? I have some ideas of mine (that have to do with things other than the kids fighting all day or the lack of sleep last night because of kids waking me up etc) but I need to write to sort it out.
First, I think it's okay to not feel perfect or perfectly okay with things all the time. I think it's important to be honest about your feelings. This is something I have felt strongly about all my life. Maybe because I didn't get enough validation of my feelings and I was seeking it? I don't know. I do know that I have found myself greatly blessed at times because of my willingness to not always paint a perfect picture of my life. There is good and there is bad and I'm willing to bet your life is that way too. Being realistic doesn't make me pessimistic. On the contrary, I've felt quite content and happy and just plain 'good' for the last while. Does that mean there haven't been the moments of struggle amidst those? Absolutely not. But really, I've been good and I've felt uplifted and empowered and like I have really just been doing the absolutely very best I can with what I can. So I guess when I was excited about having lost a couple pounds after a couple of weeks of gaining little bits (which is expected when you're putting on muscle and hard even when you're losing inches), I felt a bit defensive when someone else's response was "I've noticed your attitude was a lot better this last week as well." Okayyyyy. First, this implied to me that my attitude had not been good previously, something that I felt quite differently about. Second, it implied that my lack of weight loss was attributed to a bad attitude. What if my bad attitude was because of a lack of weight loss? Or what if I was having a hard time because I wasn't sleeping well and there are countless studies about that making it harder to lose weight and then what if I finally had a week of good sleep, in which I of course then felt better? What am I to do? This statement made has really bothered me. I realize this means I probably need to confront the person who said it. I'm not really sure how to go about doing that.
Along the same lines... One of the things I love about Beachbody is the fact that they do emphasize a lot of personal development. They really push that for you to be successful in your change for a healthier lifestyle you need to have a full-bodied approach to it and work to change the inside as well. I think this is fantastic. My trouble lies in my religious beliefs and experiences. There is a lot of push for reading personal development books. What are your thoughts on this? By personal development books I think of the ones like "7 Habits... " etc. I feel like if I am going to be focusing on personal development I need to be doing so through the scriptures and through church-provided ARP resources. I feel like there's an easy in for Satan through that channel and that I've encountered a lot of people who heavily promote those kind of books but then are so ego-centric. I need humility to change....but my humility also tells me I need help and is the help in those books?? I know I am in a vulnerable place and I don't want to get caught up in pushes for 'this effective habit' or 'that method of success' that will detract from the need to focus on my Savior as my source of strength and change...because I know that is so easy to do and I know that it would detract me even from focusing inwardly on myself even though that sounds contradictory to what a self-help book would do. Does that make any sense? Like I would find myself focusing on following some outlined steps or habits and living up to some worldly set standard rather than listening for personal revelation and simply reading church materials. I know there is a quote about reading the Book of Mormon being the best way for an individual to change. Then I think, am I just resisting this because it is different for me and the addict in me doesn't want me to change? I guess I feel confused and so alone in this thought process about it. And pressured to feel differently, which leaves me even more confused. At the same time, I know that as a wife dealing with my husband's addiction and with trying to understand my relationship in it, there were books that helped me tremendously and that I would not have been able to reach my state of healing without. With the exception of Healing the Shame that Binds You (which was recommended to me by my therapist as a means of understanding my husband but which I highly recommend to anyone), they were all books that dealt specifically with pornography addiction or some facet of that. They were much more specific. They weren't about how to be successful or purposeful or whatnot.
What else?
I feel like I have something very special and specific to give but I don't know what it is. I don't know if I'm missing it, distracted by other things, or if it just isn't my time. I have thoughts about things I should or need to write about and then I don't because I don't take the time or I let myself get distracted by other things. That or I question if it 'fits' (which is silly since I'm still not sure whether I should write more of my experience recovering from food addiction or as the wife of a recovered sex addict or if I should not worry about distinguishing between the two, in which case there is no need to determine if it 'fits'). I am so inspired by some of the other blogs or articles I read or I sometimes read some and think just how very much I can relate because I was there and am so grateful to not be there...and I want so desperately to provide those people with some real hope. I want to be an instrument in the Lord's hands but I don't know how or if it just isn't the right time. I pray about it and get no real answer. Maybe I'm praying about the wrong thing. Maybe I'm not being patient enough. I know that I have been given some very special counsel in the past that told me I would be a light in the darkness for many and that I needn't worry about what should be said at the time because it would come to me.... I want so badly to fulfill that (I felt so fulfilled in that respect as a sponsor and when I was facilitating the PASG meetings) because I want to please my Heavenly Father and because I know how 'right' it feels for me. I hope that this blog does that somewhat for even a few out there. I know that it has seen an incredible number of visitors (over 1000 hits in less than a month) but I don't know much about many of you and how I can help you because I don't hear from many. I want to help. If you don't feel comfortable leaving a comment or if you have a question or a post suggestion that you'd rather not leave in a comment I beg you to email me at halabilly {at} gmail {dot} com. I don't say any of this because I seek the praises of the world. I have to catch myself to make sure that isn't where my motivation is. I just feel desperately like I have something to give or some mission I can fulfill that I am just falling short of recognizing or realizing and I need that. For me.
There is more.... it has to do with how triggered I am feeling right now, how I am struggling with the stresses of summer on my marriage, how I just ate a bag of cookies without realizing it- even if they were 'clean' ones I made from scratch myself, how things are good and not all at once, how I miss my mom, how the kids really drove me crazy today and I felt like I went back in time to about 3 years ago---which then makes me a little crazy because sometimes those things are also symptoms of some behind-the-scenes-not-so-good-behavior going on...which then can trigger you to be crazy and feel like you need to check and recheck and question trust....or they can just be symptoms of the fact that you're human and living a life....and the questioning of it all makes you a little crazy in itself and leaves you a little wondering if it's really going to always be this way even though you know that in a moment of sanity you feel like it's maybe not and that if it is you at least have a good relationship with your Savior to keep you grounded and rooted.......
First, I think it's okay to not feel perfect or perfectly okay with things all the time. I think it's important to be honest about your feelings. This is something I have felt strongly about all my life. Maybe because I didn't get enough validation of my feelings and I was seeking it? I don't know. I do know that I have found myself greatly blessed at times because of my willingness to not always paint a perfect picture of my life. There is good and there is bad and I'm willing to bet your life is that way too. Being realistic doesn't make me pessimistic. On the contrary, I've felt quite content and happy and just plain 'good' for the last while. Does that mean there haven't been the moments of struggle amidst those? Absolutely not. But really, I've been good and I've felt uplifted and empowered and like I have really just been doing the absolutely very best I can with what I can. So I guess when I was excited about having lost a couple pounds after a couple of weeks of gaining little bits (which is expected when you're putting on muscle and hard even when you're losing inches), I felt a bit defensive when someone else's response was "I've noticed your attitude was a lot better this last week as well." Okayyyyy. First, this implied to me that my attitude had not been good previously, something that I felt quite differently about. Second, it implied that my lack of weight loss was attributed to a bad attitude. What if my bad attitude was because of a lack of weight loss? Or what if I was having a hard time because I wasn't sleeping well and there are countless studies about that making it harder to lose weight and then what if I finally had a week of good sleep, in which I of course then felt better? What am I to do? This statement made has really bothered me. I realize this means I probably need to confront the person who said it. I'm not really sure how to go about doing that.
Along the same lines... One of the things I love about Beachbody is the fact that they do emphasize a lot of personal development. They really push that for you to be successful in your change for a healthier lifestyle you need to have a full-bodied approach to it and work to change the inside as well. I think this is fantastic. My trouble lies in my religious beliefs and experiences. There is a lot of push for reading personal development books. What are your thoughts on this? By personal development books I think of the ones like "7 Habits... " etc. I feel like if I am going to be focusing on personal development I need to be doing so through the scriptures and through church-provided ARP resources. I feel like there's an easy in for Satan through that channel and that I've encountered a lot of people who heavily promote those kind of books but then are so ego-centric. I need humility to change....but my humility also tells me I need help and is the help in those books?? I know I am in a vulnerable place and I don't want to get caught up in pushes for 'this effective habit' or 'that method of success' that will detract from the need to focus on my Savior as my source of strength and change...because I know that is so easy to do and I know that it would detract me even from focusing inwardly on myself even though that sounds contradictory to what a self-help book would do. Does that make any sense? Like I would find myself focusing on following some outlined steps or habits and living up to some worldly set standard rather than listening for personal revelation and simply reading church materials. I know there is a quote about reading the Book of Mormon being the best way for an individual to change. Then I think, am I just resisting this because it is different for me and the addict in me doesn't want me to change? I guess I feel confused and so alone in this thought process about it. And pressured to feel differently, which leaves me even more confused. At the same time, I know that as a wife dealing with my husband's addiction and with trying to understand my relationship in it, there were books that helped me tremendously and that I would not have been able to reach my state of healing without. With the exception of Healing the Shame that Binds You (which was recommended to me by my therapist as a means of understanding my husband but which I highly recommend to anyone), they were all books that dealt specifically with pornography addiction or some facet of that. They were much more specific. They weren't about how to be successful or purposeful or whatnot.
What else?
I feel like I have something very special and specific to give but I don't know what it is. I don't know if I'm missing it, distracted by other things, or if it just isn't my time. I have thoughts about things I should or need to write about and then I don't because I don't take the time or I let myself get distracted by other things. That or I question if it 'fits' (which is silly since I'm still not sure whether I should write more of my experience recovering from food addiction or as the wife of a recovered sex addict or if I should not worry about distinguishing between the two, in which case there is no need to determine if it 'fits'). I am so inspired by some of the other blogs or articles I read or I sometimes read some and think just how very much I can relate because I was there and am so grateful to not be there...and I want so desperately to provide those people with some real hope. I want to be an instrument in the Lord's hands but I don't know how or if it just isn't the right time. I pray about it and get no real answer. Maybe I'm praying about the wrong thing. Maybe I'm not being patient enough. I know that I have been given some very special counsel in the past that told me I would be a light in the darkness for many and that I needn't worry about what should be said at the time because it would come to me.... I want so badly to fulfill that (I felt so fulfilled in that respect as a sponsor and when I was facilitating the PASG meetings) because I want to please my Heavenly Father and because I know how 'right' it feels for me. I hope that this blog does that somewhat for even a few out there. I know that it has seen an incredible number of visitors (over 1000 hits in less than a month) but I don't know much about many of you and how I can help you because I don't hear from many. I want to help. If you don't feel comfortable leaving a comment or if you have a question or a post suggestion that you'd rather not leave in a comment I beg you to email me at halabilly {at} gmail {dot} com. I don't say any of this because I seek the praises of the world. I have to catch myself to make sure that isn't where my motivation is. I just feel desperately like I have something to give or some mission I can fulfill that I am just falling short of recognizing or realizing and I need that. For me.
There is more.... it has to do with how triggered I am feeling right now, how I am struggling with the stresses of summer on my marriage, how I just ate a bag of cookies without realizing it- even if they were 'clean' ones I made from scratch myself, how things are good and not all at once, how I miss my mom, how the kids really drove me crazy today and I felt like I went back in time to about 3 years ago---which then makes me a little crazy because sometimes those things are also symptoms of some behind-the-scenes-not-so-good-behavior going on...which then can trigger you to be crazy and feel like you need to check and recheck and question trust....or they can just be symptoms of the fact that you're human and living a life....and the questioning of it all makes you a little crazy in itself and leaves you a little wondering if it's really going to always be this way even though you know that in a moment of sanity you feel like it's maybe not and that if it is you at least have a good relationship with your Savior to keep you grounded and rooted.......
Friday, June 21, 2013
summa-summa-summa-summatime
Dang, I feel like it's been forever since I blogged. Having the kids home from school just plain throws all schedules crazy. Prior to that, I had a cah-ray-zay week preparing for my great-grandma's 100th birthday party. I had some stuff thrown on me last minute that required a whole lot more time than I think anyone even still realizes and I still needed to attempt to keep my house in order for company coming. That was a sort of up and down week as I did catch myself falling into old behaviors of hyperfocusing and not eating. However, I am proud to report that I caught on to that and forced myself to eat regularly and to devote time to self-care and exercise before it got too out of hand. I was a bit disappointed in how far it went but I reminded myself that this is a journey and I am still progressing toward perfection, toward making my stumbling blocks my strengths. Having my accountability group most definitely kept me from falling down into that spiral of starving/binging or stress eating because I had somewhere I needed to report to each night and real people to whom I was committed to being accountable to.
So that was a couple of weeks ago. I took a day at the beginning of last week to recover from it all and then I set to having summer with my children. I found myself actively engaging in their lives and being present in the moments. In summers past we would have an outing once a week and that would generally be my limit for all the effort it took or because I just didn't want to be in public. I don't know if it is that they are older or if it is the change in me, or if it was just a fluke week.... But we literally went somewhere every single day and it was my idea. We had a grand time visiting the park, the library, a warehouse sale, going out to lunch, spending the afternoon at the waterpark, going to the farmer's market, shopping and more. Every night was one of those nights where I felt 'done' but in a glorious way. I had decided I was going to really give my efforts an extra push in my workouts and my eating. I did it and it felt good to stick to that. I'm sure eating all that healthy food helped my energy and moods also. Still, I felt like I was different.
I do need to report something big. Remember when I said I would make it up that hill on my bike by the end of the summer? I did it! On Saturday. DH had said a few weeks earlier "I don't see why you can't get up it now. I bet you could if you really tried." It was enough to get me thinking. I didn't make it up the hills on the triathlon in one fell swoop. Most of the ladies' took a breather here and there. So who was to say I couldn't get to the top if I just took some time along the way to catch my breath? So that's precisely what I did. I'll have to blog about that separately just because it was it's own accomplishment and boy did I have Satan putting those thoughts in my head. Nevertheless, I made it!
So that was a couple of weeks ago. I took a day at the beginning of last week to recover from it all and then I set to having summer with my children. I found myself actively engaging in their lives and being present in the moments. In summers past we would have an outing once a week and that would generally be my limit for all the effort it took or because I just didn't want to be in public. I don't know if it is that they are older or if it is the change in me, or if it was just a fluke week.... But we literally went somewhere every single day and it was my idea. We had a grand time visiting the park, the library, a warehouse sale, going out to lunch, spending the afternoon at the waterpark, going to the farmer's market, shopping and more. Every night was one of those nights where I felt 'done' but in a glorious way. I had decided I was going to really give my efforts an extra push in my workouts and my eating. I did it and it felt good to stick to that. I'm sure eating all that healthy food helped my energy and moods also. Still, I felt like I was different.
I do need to report something big. Remember when I said I would make it up that hill on my bike by the end of the summer? I did it! On Saturday. DH had said a few weeks earlier "I don't see why you can't get up it now. I bet you could if you really tried." It was enough to get me thinking. I didn't make it up the hills on the triathlon in one fell swoop. Most of the ladies' took a breather here and there. So who was to say I couldn't get to the top if I just took some time along the way to catch my breath? So that's precisely what I did. I'll have to blog about that separately just because it was it's own accomplishment and boy did I have Satan putting those thoughts in my head. Nevertheless, I made it!
So, guess what that means? It means I took the plunge and I registered for IronGirl. Oh man, I got such crazy jitters and nerves for it that I had to distract myself right away. I'm scared and nervous and excited all at once. The best part though was when I told DH what I had done. His face lit up just the way that it did watching our children take their first steps. I wish I'd had a camera ready to capture that look because I'm convinced it will get me through any difficulty in training or in completing the race come race day. I can do hard things....but it is the support of others, including my Heavenly Father, that gives me that ability. There was another reason to me signing up for IronGirl on Monday. It was the day after Father's Day. For me, that means it was the anniversary of D-Day (discovery of my husband's addiction & when I asked him to leave) in our household. I've had a lot of projects lately that have required going back through old photos or our 'history' and I've realized how much of my personal spiral of weight and whatnot really was tied to that D-Day and the time since. It has been 3 years since that day. So much has happened in that time. I felt like I wanted to mark the day differently and mark it as my own rebirth somehow now, because it was what I needed. I thought about how I feel jealous of the commitment of new moms to immediately get their pre-baby bodies back. How 'if only' I'd done this sooner I wouldn't have been like this for so long. How I've had it in me all along. And yet, I know that I needed that time to get to this point. Some people have big a-ha moments that solidify their testimonies. For me, I have always received revelation and had my testimony built up line upon line and through small confirming signs that just sort of all add up for me. I've always been that way. When I prayed about whether marrying DH was the right thing for me to do, I didn't get some 'yes' answer.... I got several smaller answers that added up to a confirmed 'yes'. It must be how I learn. That is why I have to be easy on myself for allowing myself to be fat so long, for allowing myself to listen to others' voices instead of my own, for letting the negativity in, for feeling defeatist. I can see now that I needed to take that journey deep into the dark abyss to get to the heart of it all, to be broken to the core, to feel myself being rebuilt to be stronger, only to then have the imperfect parts chipped away. I know that it is a slow process and how quickly the last 3 years have passed when it seemed they never would helps me be more patient with myself. It feels merciful. I started multiple times in the last 3 years to lose the weight or to change my habits or to make myself better. I am better in many ways. However, the major change in my addictive behaviors requires a lot more effort and attention than I would have had the energy for in that time. I needed the life experiences to teach me things and show me my own strength and character along the way.
Of course after making a major commitment and feeling like I'd reached a new and positive step in my journey, I would have to face a setback. That's the way it goes right? No sooner had I taken the photos below than I suddenly found myself stuck on my living room floor. Turns out I pulled a muscle in my back, maybe two. So this week has been far different from last. My sweet children have been wonderful and largely cared for themselves. My older children have been taking care of giving the youngest his breathing treatments since he has been sick. They've brought me food in bed, get well cards, and not destroyed the house while I slept away the days. Even just half a muscle relaxer completely knocks me out. I finally got to do a little workout again today. I wasn't sure if it would be okay or not but I could feel that pull.... that 'ease' of lying around....that little wagging finger of the dark side saying 'it's ok...just come hang out here for a while'. So far, I'm still mobile (wasn't there for awhile). It can be so depressing to have your body take such a far step backward but I'm confident that as the injury heals I will be able to give it my all again and the strength will quickly return. That's how life is isn't it?
I'm pretty sure I was going to write more or I was going to go back and reread this to make sure it all flowed correctly. At this point I'm just going to post it and be done with it. I keep getting interrupted and I have children calling my name to make dinner. So I suppose if it sounds a little strange I can just blame it on that, or on the pain pills that may still be in my system. ;) Hope you are all doing fabulously!
Monday, June 3, 2013
scratch that
There's a reason you should generally weigh at consistently the same time and on the same day of the week. Your body just fluctuates so much. Monday is my normal day for that so I decided to go ahead just in case it was better than yesterday. It was. I did gain .4 lbs this week but that's not bad, especially since I lost 5.25" this week. Seriously. Can you believe it? That's actually my biggest loss of inches in a single week yet.
So overall I'm at having gotten rid of 4.2 pounds and 13.25 inches since starting the challenge group on April 29th. That I can live with.
I did my first day of the Push Circuit for ChaLean Extreme today. LOVED it! I nearly cried a couple of times and I said a lot of bad words in my head. I think I yelled a couple of times too. But taking those stats and pictures that made me cry yesterday lit a fire under me and I was determined to really push myself during this Push phase of the program. So I did. My muscles were tired and felt shaky afterward but I felt amazing. Seriously. Like a total high. Better than any food is going to get me. Also, I felt incredibly strong because I was lifting weights as heavy as Chalene Johnson or her sister Jenelle Summers- fitness professionals. Maybe they don't really lift that. Maybe they do it in the video to make you feel better. If that's the case it worked. ;) I did a strength training class in college and today I was doing bicep curls at the same weight I recall doing them back then. I should find that paper I had where I recorded all that. There is a mental power to feeling physically strong... especially when you feel like people look at you and see someone who is weak. Do you do that when you see someone who is overweight? You don't know what's really in there.
Also, just an FYI- Beachbody is having a killer sale this week only. I'm thinking I might just load up on a few things. I know some people who really love TurboFire and the Energy & Endurance that are half off.
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And a final note.... I remembered that summer is upon us. How could I forget right? Well, I remembered that summer is typically a very difficult time in our household. My husband's line of work means that summer is pretty stressful and that tends to spill over at home. He was better about it last year. We did, however, receive some news that means this year will be particularly stressful at work. It is a trigger for him and it is a trigger for me. Sometimes we feel like we need to celebrate come September just having survived a summer together. Sometimes I feel like moving away for just the summer. It is also when the big bam 'D-Day' occurred 3 years ago. 3 years? Really? Has it been that long? I'll have to double-check that, but, yes, I do believe so. Even still. It got me to thinking that I am glad that I know I have a support network and some plans in place that will help me get through the summer. I'm glad that I have a place to stay accountable when I am tempted by stress eating. I am glad that I honestly don't even feel those cravings as bad anymore and that I can tell there is a deeper, more lasting, change going on within me. I don't have to dread this summer. I have something to look forward to.
So overall I'm at having gotten rid of 4.2 pounds and 13.25 inches since starting the challenge group on April 29th. That I can live with.
I did my first day of the Push Circuit for ChaLean Extreme today. LOVED it! I nearly cried a couple of times and I said a lot of bad words in my head. I think I yelled a couple of times too. But taking those stats and pictures that made me cry yesterday lit a fire under me and I was determined to really push myself during this Push phase of the program. So I did. My muscles were tired and felt shaky afterward but I felt amazing. Seriously. Like a total high. Better than any food is going to get me. Also, I felt incredibly strong because I was lifting weights as heavy as Chalene Johnson or her sister Jenelle Summers- fitness professionals. Maybe they don't really lift that. Maybe they do it in the video to make you feel better. If that's the case it worked. ;) I did a strength training class in college and today I was doing bicep curls at the same weight I recall doing them back then. I should find that paper I had where I recorded all that. There is a mental power to feeling physically strong... especially when you feel like people look at you and see someone who is weak. Do you do that when you see someone who is overweight? You don't know what's really in there.
Also, just an FYI- Beachbody is having a killer sale this week only. I'm thinking I might just load up on a few things. I know some people who really love TurboFire and the Energy & Endurance that are half off.
And a final note.... I remembered that summer is upon us. How could I forget right? Well, I remembered that summer is typically a very difficult time in our household. My husband's line of work means that summer is pretty stressful and that tends to spill over at home. He was better about it last year. We did, however, receive some news that means this year will be particularly stressful at work. It is a trigger for him and it is a trigger for me. Sometimes we feel like we need to celebrate come September just having survived a summer together. Sometimes I feel like moving away for just the summer. It is also when the big bam 'D-Day' occurred 3 years ago. 3 years? Really? Has it been that long? I'll have to double-check that, but, yes, I do believe so. Even still. It got me to thinking that I am glad that I know I have a support network and some plans in place that will help me get through the summer. I'm glad that I have a place to stay accountable when I am tempted by stress eating. I am glad that I honestly don't even feel those cravings as bad anymore and that I can tell there is a deeper, more lasting, change going on within me. I don't have to dread this summer. I have something to look forward to.
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