just do it

I let perfectionism get in my own way for SO long. It still creeps up on me from time to time. However, I have learned, and continue to learn, to recognize it for what it is. When I do that I can stop it and choose to let go. I personally believe we let perfectionism be a stumbling block for most of us.
This picture is of my worksheets I used while doing ChaLean Extreme. I tracked my weights and reps but you can see I also tracked my days missed. Now, some would have said to double up and do that missed workout...or would have pushed back their whole schedule to not ever miss one. Not me. I knew I would never stick with it that way and would constantly beat myself up for not being perfect. I chose instead to accept that I missed a day (maybe I was sick) or didn't quite finish a workout (the end of the summer the kids got more needy and I'm sure I had some other good excuse) and to move on ahead. You know what? I still had great results. I still had a change inside and out. I got to finish something and feel the pride and boost that comes from that. It was the same with the triathlon I just did. Did I do it perfectly? Absolutely not! Was I mad about the break I took to steady my breathing? Sure was. But I didn't throw in the towel. I kept going. That's what you need to do too.

Just do it. Just put one foot in front of the other. Just pick yourself up. Again. Just give it your best, or the best you can give today. Just keep swimming.

90 Day Results

I finished ChaLean Extreme and I won the challenge group I had been participating in that just ended (I'm in another one now and doing Les Mills Combat).

My results?  Not a lot of weight lost.  A lot of inches shed.  17+ in fact.  Dropped about 5% body fat as well.

More than that?  The confidence that comes from sticking to something through the end.  The ability to see a new me in the future again.  A belief in self.  No more inflammation.  Improved allergies and reflux.  Glowing skin.  Stronger hair and nails.  I think I might be able to beat someone at arm wrestling.  A great group of wonderful, supportive women who don't judge me because they realize we are all on the same journey in one way or another.  Better habits.  WAY fewer cravings that have made it easier to make good choices and conquer an addiction because my agency is being restored and I have the support I need- emotionally and physically.  A sense of purpose and a feeling of gratitude for a way that this weakness and challenge in my life can be turned for the better.  Joy from helping others make changes as well and motivation from them as they become my supporters too.

summa-summa-summa-summatime

Dang, I feel like it's been forever since I blogged.  Having the kids home from school just plain throws all schedules crazy.  Prior to that, I had a cah-ray-zay week preparing for my great-grandma's 100th birthday party.  I had some stuff thrown on me last minute that required a whole lot more time than I think anyone even still realizes and I still needed to attempt to keep my house in order for company coming.  That was a sort of up and down week as I did catch myself falling into old behaviors of hyperfocusing and not eating.  However, I am proud to report that I caught on to that and forced myself to eat regularly and to devote time to self-care and exercise before it got too out of hand.  I was a bit disappointed in how far it went but I reminded myself that this is a journey and I am still progressing toward perfection, toward making my stumbling blocks my strengths.  Having my accountability group most definitely kept me from falling down into that spiral of starving/binging or stress eating because I had somewhere I needed to report to each night and real people to whom I was committed to being accountable to.

So that was a couple of weeks ago.  I took a day at the beginning of last week to recover from it all and then I set to having summer with my children.  I found myself actively engaging in their lives and being present in the moments.  In summers past we would have an outing once a week and that would generally be my limit for all the effort it took or because I just didn't want to be in public.  I don't know if it is that they are older or if it is the change in me, or if it was just a fluke week.... But we literally went somewhere every single day and it was my idea. We had a grand time visiting the park, the library, a warehouse sale, going out to lunch, spending the afternoon at the waterpark, going to the farmer's market, shopping and more.  Every night was one of those nights where I felt 'done' but in a glorious way.  I had decided I was going to really give my efforts an extra push in my workouts and my eating.  I did it and it felt good to stick to that.  I'm sure eating all that healthy food helped my energy and moods also.  Still, I felt like I was different.

I do need to report something big.  Remember when I said I would make it up that hill on my bike by the end of the summer?  I did it!  On Saturday.  DH had said a few weeks earlier "I don't see why you can't get up it now. I bet you could if you really tried."  It was enough to get me thinking.  I didn't make it up the hills on the triathlon in one fell swoop.  Most of the ladies' took a breather here and there.  So who was to say I couldn't get to the top if I just took some time along the way to catch my breath?  So that's precisely what I did.  I'll have to blog about that separately just because it was it's own accomplishment and boy did I have Satan putting those thoughts in my head.  Nevertheless, I made it!

So, guess what that means?  It means I took the plunge and I registered for IronGirl. Oh man, I got such crazy jitters and nerves for it that I had to distract myself right away.  I'm scared and nervous and excited all at once.  The best part though was when I told DH what I had done.  His face lit up just the way that it did watching our children take their first steps.  I wish I'd had a camera ready to capture that look because I'm convinced it will get me through any difficulty in training or in completing the race come race day.  I can do hard things....but it is the support of others, including my Heavenly Father, that gives me that ability.  There was another reason to me signing up for IronGirl on Monday.  It was the day after Father's Day.  For me, that means it was the anniversary of D-Day (discovery of my husband's addiction & when I asked him to leave) in our household.  I've had a lot of projects lately that have required going back through old photos or our 'history' and I've realized how much of my personal spiral of weight and whatnot really was tied to that D-Day and the time since.  It has been 3 years since that day.  So much has happened in that time.  I felt like I wanted to mark the day differently and mark it as my own rebirth somehow now, because it was what I needed.  I thought about how I feel jealous of the commitment of new moms to immediately get their pre-baby bodies back.  How 'if only' I'd done this sooner I wouldn't have been like this for so long.  How I've had it in me all along.  And yet, I know that I needed that time to get to this point.  Some people have big a-ha moments that solidify their testimonies.  For me, I have always received revelation and had my testimony built up line upon line and through small confirming signs that just sort of all add up for me.  I've always been that way.  When I prayed about whether marrying DH was the right thing for me to do, I didn't get some 'yes' answer.... I got several smaller answers that added up to a confirmed 'yes'.  It must be how I learn.  That is why I have to be easy on myself for allowing myself to be fat so long, for allowing myself to listen to others' voices instead of my own, for letting the negativity in, for feeling defeatist.  I can see now that I needed to take that journey deep into the dark abyss to get to the heart of it all, to be broken to the core, to feel myself being rebuilt to be stronger, only to then have the imperfect parts chipped away.  I know that it is a slow process and how quickly the last 3 years have passed when it seemed they never would helps me be more patient with myself.  It feels merciful.  I started multiple times in the last 3 years to lose the weight or to change my habits or to make myself better.  I am better in many ways.  However, the major change in my addictive behaviors requires a lot more effort and attention than I would have had the energy for in that time. I needed the life experiences to teach me things and show me my own strength and character along the way.  

Of course after making a major commitment and feeling like I'd reached a new and positive step in my journey, I would have to face a setback.  That's the way it goes right?  No sooner had I taken the photos below than I suddenly found myself stuck on my living room floor.  Turns out I pulled a muscle in my back, maybe two.  So this week has been far different from last.  My sweet children have been wonderful and largely cared for themselves.  My older children have been taking care of giving the youngest his breathing treatments since he has been sick.  They've brought me food in bed, get well cards, and not destroyed the house while I slept away the days.  Even just half a muscle relaxer completely knocks me out.  I finally got to do a little workout again today.  I wasn't sure if it would be okay or not but I could feel that pull.... that 'ease' of lying around....that little wagging finger of the dark side saying 'it's ok...just come hang out here for a while'.  So far, I'm still mobile (wasn't there for awhile).  It can be so depressing to have your body take such a far step backward but I'm confident that as the injury heals I will be able to give it my all again and the strength will quickly return.  That's how life is isn't it?

I'm pretty sure I was going to write more or I was going to go back and reread this to make sure it all flowed correctly.  At this point I'm just going to post it and be done with it.  I keep getting interrupted and I have children calling my name to make dinner.  So I suppose if it sounds a little strange I can just blame it on that, or on the pain pills that may still be in my system.  ;)  Hope you are all doing fabulously!  

scratch that

There's a reason you should generally weigh at consistently the same time and on the same day of the week.  Your body just fluctuates so much.  Monday is my normal day for that so I decided to go ahead just in case it was better than yesterday.  It was.  I did gain .4 lbs this week but that's not bad, especially since I lost 5.25" this week.  Seriously.  Can you believe it?  That's actually my biggest loss of inches in a single week yet.
So overall I'm at having gotten rid of 4.2 pounds and 13.25 inches since starting the challenge group on April 29th.  That I can live with.

I did my first day of the Push Circuit for ChaLean Extreme today.  LOVED it!  I nearly cried a couple of times and I said a lot of bad words in my head.  I think I yelled a couple of times too.  But taking those stats and pictures that made me cry yesterday lit a fire under me and I was determined to really push myself during this Push phase of the program.  So I did.  My muscles were tired and felt shaky afterward but I felt amazing.  Seriously.  Like a total high.  Better than any food is going to get me.  Also, I felt incredibly strong because I was lifting weights as heavy as Chalene Johnson or her sister Jenelle Summers- fitness professionals.  Maybe they don't really lift that.  Maybe they do it in the video to make you feel better.  If that's the case it worked. ;)  I did a strength training class in college and today I was doing bicep curls at the same weight I recall doing them back then.  I should find that paper I had where I recorded all that.  There is a mental power to feeling physically strong... especially when you feel like people look at you and see someone who is weak.  Do you do that when you see someone who is overweight?  You don't know what's really in there.



Also, just an FYI-  Beachbody is having a killer sale this week only.  I'm thinking I might just load up on a few things.  I know some people who really love TurboFire and the Energy & Endurance that are half off.

And a final note.... I remembered that summer is upon us.  How could I forget right? Well, I remembered that summer is typically a very difficult time in our household.  My husband's line of work means that summer is pretty stressful and that tends to spill over at home.  He was better about it last year.  We did, however, receive some news that means this year will be particularly stressful at work.  It is a trigger for him and it is a trigger for me.  Sometimes we feel like we need to celebrate come September just having survived a summer together.  Sometimes I feel like moving away for just the summer.  It is also when the big bam 'D-Day' occurred 3 years ago.  3 years? Really?  Has it been that long?  I'll have to double-check that, but, yes, I do believe so.  Even still.  It got me to thinking that I am glad that I know I have a support network and some plans in place that will help me get through the summer.  I'm glad that I have a place to stay accountable when I am tempted by stress eating.  I am glad that I honestly don't even feel those cravings as bad anymore and that I can tell there is a deeper, more lasting, change going on within me.  I don't have to dread this summer.  I have something to look forward to.

30day progress report

Feeling pretty conflicted today. This is the 30 day progress I promised. I have SO far to go that it is discouraging. I remind myself that a number on a scale is just a number and doesn't define me. Still I feel so disheartened to only lose a couple of pounds. Yet, I am down 11 inches and 2.5% body fat using the caliper method- putting me in the average range, despite how I look. I know my fitness has improved, I can feel it when I lift heavier weights and when I run up the stairs without losing my breath or am able to push myself harder running on the treadmill. I know my energy has improved and my mind just feels so much more clear. My habits are changing as are my thoughts & attitudes toward things. I see definition that doesn't come across well in the pics and that makes me happy. Still.... That darn scale. It just leaves me depressed. Why am I posting this? Because I committed to doing so and because I know it will keep me accountable. I don't do it to fish for validation or feedback to make me feel better. I do it because I know I need to to keep myself going, to rid myself of my own self shame, and because I'm sure that out there somewhere is someone a lot like me.  I don't intend to make any excuses for myself.  It was a rough week.  I was sick or something- still trying to figure that out- and so I didn't workout half the week or eat anything but carbs and my Shakeology because my stomach just couldn't do it.  I only felt good when I had my shake so I'm so glad that I did.  Who knows how that affected things today but I didn't want to use that as an excuse.  I know I've lost more weight than that but I typically weigh on a different day and I have a feeling I've gained this week and am seeing the sad effects of that.  I am more than a number.  Still, I need that number to change so much more than it has.  I won't quit.  I can't quit..... because I told myself that I would see this all the way through the 90 days and trust the process.  I've made myself accountable to anyone reading this (which must be someone given the amount of hits this blog is getting without comments).  So I'll just keep keepin' on......

hooray for Monday

Aren't fresh starts great?  Didn't know you had so much to look forward to in a Monday?  I love em.  I was able to recommit today and it felt great.  I went to bed super duper late last night and that left me pretty tired today.  In fact, I felt myself falling asleep while driving between the library and my house.  The library is a whopping 4 miles away.  When I got home I didn't take a nap though.  I knew that if I did that I would likely sleep or lounge my day away and I had already made a promise to myself that was not going to happen.  So I decided to get my workout done instead.  Besides, when I was running a couple errands first I had been sitting in a waiting room where some morning show was on.  They were running a report about being sleep deprived (which I found rather amusing) and steps you can take to 'mask' it.  One part of it said that even though exercise may feel like the very last thing on earth you want to do, studies find that if you can get yourself to do even just 6 to 11 minutes of aerobic movement then it will make a significant difference.  What a perfect day to test that.  So I did my ChaLean Extreme Burn Circuit 2.  And it burned.  And by the time I was 6 to 11 minutes into it I forgot that I was even tired.  At the end, I was drenched in sweat and felt fantastic.  That was a good feeling.  I needed today to be a win and I made it one.

Also, I was thinking that I should share more of the recipes and foods that I am enjoying.  Tonight I made up something new.  I had gotten some premade pizza dough at Trader Joe's and had this idea for a yummy pizza.  The top one is their garlic & herb dough.  I drizzled a little olive oil on it and then I topped it with their artichoke antipasto.  Then I topped it with an Italian cheese blend.  That's it.  So easy.  Sooooooo good.  The other pizza was with their whole wheat dough.  I made a homemade pizza sauce (couple little cans of tomato sauce, half a little can of tomato paste for thickness, fresh basil, fresh garlic, oregano, parsley, and minced onion flakes) and I topped it with the same Italian cheese blend and turkey pepperoni and sausage crumbles.  The family loved it and it was so filling!  My husband could barely eat two slices.  I was full after just one.

2 wk progress

I am totally embarrassed about this photo.  However, I committed to transparency and honesty and accountability.  I was having the whole debate tonight with the temptation to do some quick fix.  I have these pills near my nightstand for one 'cleanse' or 'accelerator' or another.  They were tempting me.  It's not even like I haven't been seeing good weight loss and measurement results either.  There is no reason for that temptation other than the damage done by past extreme dieting and the lure of trying to look better for upcoming family events and pictures...and the thought of being around people who have been known to openly critique my looks in the past.  I'm not going to cave though.  Having these thoughts doesn't mean I don't like me and don't like me now.  So I thought I would take a picture.  I have been drinking Shakeology for 2 weeks now.  I have been in this challenge & accountability group for about 2 1/2 wks now.  I have done ChaLean Extreme for 2 weeks now.  Well...technically Saturday would be 2 weeks since I started on a Saturday, but tomorrow is my rest day and Sat would technically be my start of week 3 so.....
I know 2 weeks is hardly time to see any real change.  However, I do think I see (and feel) some and I wanted to see if it was all in my head.  I hope not.  Not that that is my motivator.  Still.  I'm human.  I look at this and do the mental math imagery of what may actually be possible in the 10 more weeks to come.  This change repeating 5 more times.  Plus, I know that time is going to pass by so quickly.  Sometimes I look at these awesome transformation pictures, especially of those doing the same program as I and I feel so motivated, hopeful, and encouraged.  Then in the next split second that little voice in my head says "well, that was them.  I can't possibly have something similar."  As if I am defective or undeserving.  That Satan...he's a tricky one....
I will post 30 day progress pictures as that's pretty Beachbody standard.  2 weeks is not. Sooooo.....here goes.... please be nice.....

I promise I did not shrink in height.  DH is fired for not being consistent in where he takes the pictures from.  I  couldn't remember which shirt I was wearing or which way I was facing.
p.s. In case you are curious what ChaLean is, HERE is a preview. 

the whys and hows

Why am I doing this?
I was thinking about that yesterday as I was lying around with a stomach bug.  Getting sick with something is one of my biggest derailers from a program of any type because I feel like it just throws me off my game.  I lay around being lazy, and loving being lazy, and start to wonder why I ever bother with doing any different.  Terrible, I know.  Consistency has never been a strong point of mine and that is where it really gets me.  I'm working on that though.

• I am doing this because grasping at straws is better than not grasping at all.
• I am doing this because it is working.
• I am working the program because the program works, because I have seen real change with my very own eyes, and because I see results quickly even in myself.
• I am choosing my life, not letting my life happen to me. 
• I feel good when I eat well, when I exercise, when I read my scriptures daily, when I pray daily, and when I attend the temple regularly.
• I know all those things and have experienced their trans-formative effect and yet I still need to be reminded of it from time to time.  All I can figure is that it's a byproduct of being human.  
• I want to help people.  I feel at my best and most fulfilled when I do.  I believe people are often put in the paths of others to help them, to be someone else's answer to a prayer.  I've had so many be that for me that I can only hope I can be that for even just one other person so that I can pay it forward..... even if these things are sometimes hard to share.
• I am doing this because I love myself, not because I hate who I am.  You don't have to dislike yourself to want to be the best version of you.  
• I want to be prepared for anything that life may throw at me.  I want to know that I have done all I can to prepare my body physically and nutritiously as well as my mind/spirit emotionally and spiritually for anything that may come in life.  If I am better prepared myself then I will not only be able to weather whatever life may bring, but I will be better equipped to help those around me, including my children.  
• I am doing this because it feels like it fits best with my personal and religious beliefs about health... slow and steady, line upon line, creates lasting and real change.  Part of my test on earth is mastery of my body that was given to me as a gift from my Heavenly Father. Moderation in all things is so very important.  Balance in all areas of life is also.  Accountability keeps us focused.  There is so much in the world to distract us from what is important and Satan is out to take the things that he most desires because he cannot have- bodies and families.  
• I want to instill good habits in my children at a young age so that they have the tools and are better equipped so that they are less likely to face these same struggles when they are adults themselves.  They already make great choices, love healthy things and exercise, and are pretty balanced kids...but there is always opportunity for teaching and improvement and for leading by example.

I really missed my regular foods and routine yesterday.  Thankfully my Shakeology settled in my system just fine or I would have been sorely missing out on any nutrients at all.  It was hard though to not get any sort of exercise. It wasn't at all that I felt guilty not doing it or that I had to.  It was just that I missed it and I was sad that my body was making it very clear that it was going to have none of it.  Thank goodness today is much better and I was able to enjoy my Burn Intervals, even getting a second wind halfway through it.  That does have to be about the fastest I have ever bounced back from food poisoning.

I'm not trying to be 'salesy' or anything... just sharing what I have seen and experienced.  I have read a lot of testimonials, even from people I personally know from my real life (don't you sometimes feel like testimonials are from 'fake' people?) about how these groups have changed their lives, how Shakeology has taken away migraines or improved ADD or inflammatory diseases (such as RA and fibromyalgia) or taken them off antidepressants entirely.  I have read much about the health benefits of various foods and believe in the power of using good food and herbs to heal and strengthen our bodies.  I was shocked when actually looking at Beachbody programs to discover how many of them were ones that friends had raved about for years and loved doing.  I never had any clue these had all been from the same company.  I knew about P90X and Insanity being 'related'.  I did not know it was also the same company behind Slim in 6 (there were a lot of Nutrisystem people doing that as their workout regime), Yoga Booty Ballet, Brazil Butt Lift, Les Mills Body Pump, Rockin Body, Turbo Jam, Turbo Fire, and more.  Did you?? Seriously, if I had known that sooner I really probably would have jumped on their products a lot sooner.  Truthfully, knowing how great the fitness programs are makes me feel a lot more confident in their other lines of products (like the Shakeology and other vitamins and skin care).  

I will say, Shakeology and the other programs are expensive.  I am a total frugal shopper.  I have even taught couponing classes for years.  I love yard sales and thrift stores.  So dropping $120 for a meal replacement shake?  I don't care if it works out to $4 a meal, that's still a lot in my book.  I have really good health insurance coverage so I wasn't going to factor in the savings in medical bills that would come from improved health or fewer medications.  I did look at it this way in the end.... a month of Nutrisystem (which I'm most inclined to compare against because of my previous success with it) is roughly $280- there's a lot of options for programs but that's about the average price.  That covers most all your meals (you do need to add in some of your own food), but in the end having all your meals prepared for you doesn't force you to make those hard daily choices of choosing and preparing good foods for yourself.  It is still too convenience based to be a full lifestyle change in the long run.  That's honestly a hard thing for me to accept.  The only other program I know to be as successful (that doesn't involve some VLCD) is Weight Watchers and that is about $30/month plus there's usually a signup fee.  Then you'll have your regular food and gym membership on top of that.  Weight Watchers I believe is successful because of the support system involved in it and its encouragement of balance and realism in your diet.  Around here, a gym membership that has any kind of childcare is about $30-$40 at minimum per month.  Sometimes you have to pay an additional $2 per kid for 2 hours of care.  We won't talk about the worrying about germs there or the child care being full or your older kids being 'too old' for it but too young to work out in the actual gym without you there by their side- leaving you to not be able to do everything you want to do because they still can only use certain areas.  Not that I've encountered this before.....Where was I?  Oh... so I kind of just figured out that it was cheaper than NS, a little more than WW but with the same benefits (because in a challenge group you've got what you'd get at a WW meeting) plus the addition of having one meal replaced during the day and health benefits of some awesome superfoods that would also take care of a lot of the nutrients your body needs.  Then as far as the exercise regime goes.... well, the Beachbody programs really vary in price a lot (we're talking from $40 to $150) but a lot of them are 60-90 day programs with the variety you need to keep you from getting bored or your body from plateauing.  Compare that to the cost of the gym membership..... To me, it really does seem cheaper, especially since I do get a decent coach discount.  I have never been a fan of workout videos, or of tripping over my children while trying to do them, but I have loved every one of these that I have tried and I'm finding I really can do them at home whether my kids are around or not.  The fact that the Shakeology has genuinely been the best tasting meal replacement of any type (except maybe those NS chocolates, those were pretty darn good), has really been a happy surprise for me.

Anyway, we all have our different whys and hows of doing things.  I think it is important to consider those and to frequently reconsider them.  I always wonder how often other people think about those things or how much is just the way my brain seems to be wired to consider human behavior.  If you're going to make a change in your life, of any kind, you need to have a reason.  You need to write that reason down to make it more concrete.  If you are going to make a big change, I think you need support and the more support the better.  Change starts with a decision for something different.  It doesn't come all at once.  Sometimes it is painfully slow and gradual.  Sometimes you don't see it at first.  It frequently requires sacrifice and a breaking of your heart so that it can repair and be soft and malleable to fit the better you.  Growing pains have always hurt.  But don't they make you stand a little taller?  If you think you'd like to join a fitness challenge group and have some accountability and support, I would be happy to help you.  There is another one starting June 3 like the one I'm doing now.  If you'd like support or help of any kind, please feel free to send me a message or comment.  

scale

I hopped on the scale this morning just because I am used to weighing in on Saturdays now. Also, I am starting my ChaLean Extreme workout program/schedule today so I wanted to have a baseline for that specifically. I'm pumped.

I started in the accountability and challenge group on Monday. I started 30 minutes of exercise that day- jogging or biking because I was waiting on my program and those are what I felt like doing. I started drinking Shakeology on Wednesday when it arrived. As of today, Saturday, I am down 2.5 lbs. that's every bit that I gained in my time between P90X and now when I was struggling to get refocused after being sick and also going on vacation for a week. I can't tell you how thrilled I am about that. I know that it will fluctuate from time to time because weight does that, especially when adding muscle. However, it's awesome to be back at that benchmark for starting my neck workout phase because I feel like then I can really get a sense of the difference between the two, for me, and also see the difference Shakeology can make for me.