How Shakeology changed my life for the better, and why I'm no longer drinking it- Part Two

For a more complete picture, please read Part One first.

Why would I stop drinking something so great, something I loves, something that has truly changed my health for the better?  Well, that part is much harder to share.  I hope that those who don't share my same understanding will read with an open mind and respect.  I pray that hearts will be softened and non-judgmental.  I need to share what I have learned for the sake of my own integrity and because I believe that we have a duty to share light and truth within our sphere, on matter how difficult or uncomfortable.  

My reasons for discontinuing Shakeology have nothing to do with the cost or the company or some other disillusionment.  On the contrary, I have great feelings about Beachbody as a whole and the financial structure as a Beachbody coach make the cost of little concern to me.  

It has everything to do with being a Mormon.  

Now, hold up.... I know the vast majority of the Beachbody coaches in my circle are also LDS.  Yes, I also know that some chief officers in the company are Mormon.  I realize all of these people drink and swear by Shakeology.  Ok, if not all then certainly seems like all.  Why do you think this is so hard to write?  I know it will not be easily accepted by many.  I'm not going to try and tell you other members of my faith that you shouldn't drink Shakeology either.  That's your decision to make.  I do ask that you keep an open mind and heart as you read my explanation and that, if you find you are able, you pray with a sincere and humble heart to know for yourself.  Your answer may be different than mine.  It may not.  You have to be open to either possibility.  

It started a few months ago.  I was slowly coming to grips with acknowledging I had not involved my Heavenly Father in my weight loss journey as I knew I needed to and that the times I had seen the most success were the times I did involve Him.  I felt a continual push that I needed to search the Word of Wisdom for answers and clues as to how I should be feeding my body.  I had this feeling that if I would just follow the Word of Wisdom then the Lord would bless my body to function properly (and thus lose the weight it should have by now).  So I began to study talks and lessons in addition to D&C 89.  I developed an idea that I should create an eating plan based on this (more on that later) and I realized the clear emphasis to really add more fruits and vegetables and reduce overall meat consumption.  I had ideas and understandings like all these and more.  I was still struggling to cohesively put it all together and to implement it.  I felt a little like I was missing something in it.  Something I just wasn't quite catching.  I started praying for humility and guidance to know what to do.  I knew I needed to submit my will to His more anyway, but it was scary nonetheless.  

Fast forward a bit to Ward Conference.  We have a phenomenal Stake President whom I greatly admire and respect.  We had one of those amazing Sacrament meetings that just seemed to touch my soul and hit on things that had been on my mind.  In Relief Society, our Stake President held a Q&A session.  We'd had the opportunity to anonymously write him questions on a piece of paper prior to his visit.  Someone had asked a question about caffeine, such as Coca-Cola, and thus the discussion on the Word of Wisdom began.  

Now, before you get all up in arms or start debating different points of the Word of Wisdom and interpretations of it, just hear me out.  This was the first I'd heard it explained this way and the spirit was so strong in that room, there could have been a light shining directly down.  My friend who was sitting next to me is someone whom I consider a very spiritual person and even she sat agape saying "I never thought of it that way! It makes total sense!"  I couldn't agree more and there was no questioning of the authority felt in that room.  Trust me, I have tried to question and doubt it many times since as I wasn't sure I liked what it meant for me or how it felt with the beliefs I had at the time.  I simply cannot.  

I hope that I can explain this similar to how he did so that you can follow along and understand....

First the why.... 

Now this is the part that really got to me.  

Consider the very last verse of the Word of Wisdom:

"And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the^adestroying angel shall ^bpass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them."

Now this from Exodus 12:

For the Lord will ^apass through to smite the Egyptians; and when he seeth the blood upon the lintel, and on the two side posts, the Lord will ^bpass over the door, and will not ^csuffer the^ddestroyer to come in unto your houses to smite you. 

 Anyone who has seen the classic movie The Ten Commandments probably has a good visual of the 'destroying angel'.  Think of this... what was significant about this?  What did they do but place a mark above their doors to differentiate themselves from the others?  They merely distinguished themselves as followers of the God that Moses was trying to preach about.

Now, consider this...
When you travel or go somewhere new or meet a new person and ask them what they know about Mormons, what answer do you get 9 times out of 10?  Something along the lines of "they don't smoke...they don't drink... they don't drink coffee...".  All these things are ways that we stand out and are identified and differentiated.  All these things are because of the Word of Wisdom.  Do you see what I'm getting at?  No, it's not like these people never die or suffer.  But they were a marked people and set apart as being choice and different, just as we.
Does this change how you view the Word of Wisdom?  Because it sure did for me.

As for the what and Shakeology...
So of course the tea question came up.  We have had it revealed and clarified that the term 'hot drink' refers to coffee and tea (you have to remember the time at which the revelation was given and the customs and verbage of the day).  In fact, I really love this quote from Elder Packer from this talk:

"I found in the Word of Wisdom a principle with a promise. The principle: Care for your body; avoid habit-forming stimulants, tea, coffee, tobacco, liquor, and drugs (see D&C 89:3–9). Such addictive things do little more than relieve a craving which they caused in the first place."

Tea is sometimes misleading because it is also a method of preparation for herbs and such.  When you steep herbs to make a tea, that is different than the tea that has been referred to in the scripture.  What we are to avoid consumption of is tea itself....as in the tea plant (as well as those other items listed above).  We are not taught to avoid them only in certain preparations or quantities.  You do not have coffee whether it is iced, an ingredient in something (I confess I love mocha ice cream but now I've got to double check those ingredients), or brewed.  The same is true of tea.... of the tea plant.

Did you know that green tea and black tea are from the exact same plant?  They are the same!  The difference is only in the preparation of the leaf.  Seriously.  Check out this wikipedia article about the plant.  I do not access the internet during church, but I confess I looked this one up right then and there because I could scarcely believe it when he said they were from the same plant.

So here's the thing.... Green tea is definitely full of many health properties.  I'm certainly not going to argue that.  I will, however, point out that the same can be said of many of those other substances we choose to avoid when we follow the Word of Wisdom.  Have you read a recent study touting the heart benefits of a daily glass of wine?  So are you going to start drinking it?  It seems to me that any statements about it being okay because of the health benefits or because of the difference in preparation would be rationalizing against something we have been taught.  That is how it feels to me anyway.  This is the battle I have waged within myself.  'But just look at all the health benefits I've received.'  'But look at how all those other people who are drinking it are being blessed.  They must be living their lives righteously.'  'Why would God have led me to this if it wasn't okay?'  Oh yah, that one was a doozy.

What I've come to the conclusion of is this...  When we know better we do better.  We learn line upon line and precept on precept.  I can accept that I needed to experience the health benefits of Shakeology (which contains green tea if you haven't figured that one out yet) so that I could see and learn for myself how food can impact my body and how I have the power to affect it for good.  Like the milk before the meat, this was how I needed to move forward in my journey.  A loving Heavenly Father saw that and led me there.  Sure, it's also possible that I talked myself into it because I was desperate for that challenge group (that He most definitely gave me answer that I needed to be a part of).  Honestly, it doesn't really matter.  What matters is that I need my Savior's help to overcome my food addiction.  I need His help to live authentically and whole.  I need to have my very nature changed, and only He can do that.  He can only do that when I am willing to submit my will to His.  I simply cannot go back on what I learned and how I felt.  Believe me, I wanted to.  When other Beachbody coaches got up in arms about not being able to be a successful coach if you aren't drinking Shakeology yourself (because you aren't being a product of the product then), I saw my dreams of financial freedom and having my husband solely working from home floating away.  At that very same instance, however, I felt that the Lord would bless me with what it was that I really needed and sufficient for the life I desired.  Maybe it won't happen in the way that I imagined and could see, but it will happen.  Thing is, I do still absolutely love Shakeology.  If they ever come out with a version that doesn't contain green tea, then you bet your dollar I'll be first in line for it.  I'm not telling you whether you should or shouldn't consume it yourself.  If you aren't LDS and don't share the beliefs that I do, then absolutely have it!  That is definitely not a choice I can and should make for you.  My job is to give information and tools so that you can decide for yourself.  For all I know, you'll be given a different answer than I.... and I do still fully support the product.  If you are LDS and do continue to use Shakeology, be assured that I most definitely won't judge you.  I, too, plan to continually be prayerful about it.
Besides, Beachbody is so much more than just Shakeology.  It is phenomenal fitness programs and a commitment to overall healthy living that I can absolutely stand by and promote.  It is also (and you probably didn't even know this) a really fabulous skin care line that I love and am so grateful to have found, since I'm not allergic to it!  So I'll be darned if someone says I can't be successful because I choose to not consume a product containing green tea.  Maybe my definition of success is different.

journeying

I've been on a bit of a spiritual journey as of late.  I've been writing a lot in my journal and doing a lot of praying.  It started out like this:

I was stuck.

Back up.... I was doing well and then I hit a wall.  This great big wall in front of me.  Gradually the sun rose over it and little by little some light crept in.  As it was illuminated, I began to see how I had allowed some old behaviors and thought patterns into my life.  I began to recognize the merry-go-round that I was on and that I wasn't really progressing anymore.

That's when it hit me.  "I need help."

When you work your butt off and then your butt doesn't go away, you begin to think you might be broken.  Even if I had been eating terribly for the past year I should have more to physically show for all of the hard work I've put in with exercise.  And I haven't been eating terribly over the past year!  At first the thoughts were so subtle I barely noticed them.  "Well, you've had a mental change and you've been pretty consistent so that's good enough."  "It must be my thyroid.  Nevermind that I have no symptoms of the thyroid being off."  "Maybe you should just do surgery.  It would be easier and now you know you can be consistent at being good so it'll be fine."  Then they became a bit more blatant.  "You're broken."  "You just don't fit in with anyone."  "You're not good enough to be around these other Beachbody coaches.  You're not good enough to be around anyone now because now you're a hypocrite."  "You're a hypocrite for promoting health and wellness and saying people can lose weight and break their bad habits when you haven't done it yourself."  "You just keep trying because you want to prove something and that's not a good reason."  "It's all your fault."  "You must not be 'good' enough or God would be helping you."  "You did something wrong and that's why your coach isn't really helping you anymore."  "Nobody likes you.  Just your husband.  Maybe even only him just because he's stuck with you."

And then I saw it.

So I reached out.

I contacted the therapist who had helped my husband overcome his pornography addiction.  We had also seen him as a couple a few times so I had a relationship already established.  I sent him an email and this is what I said: " I'm looking just for some help with myself.  I've been trying and trying to take care of it on my own but I feel like I must be missing a piece of the puzzle or something.  Billy and I are doing quite well and I am amazed at the change I see in him, even though he still insists he doesn't feel different.  I am realizing that there is a small piece of trust issue that needs to be dealt with and it has to do with having my own food addiction...if I can't seem to conquer mine and keep failing then how can I trust his change?  That kind of thing."

It is hard to accept that you are no more perfect than the next guy.  Years of faulty thinking and behaviors do not go away as you replace them.  You have to dig into why they are there in the first place.  You have to be willing to go through the muck.  I thought I had.  Honestly.  I had.  But I'd only gone through some of it.  What I realized when we very first met again, and several times since, is that in all of my self-work that I have done over the years, I have made tremendous growth and change and had a lot of healing.  Having more to do doesn't discount that.  What it means, though, is that those wounds and mindsets run deep.  I've cleaned out the outer and even middle layers.  Now it's time for what is left of it.  The core-limiting beliefs that still remain.  Having any remain does not invalidate what I've said or done before.  It simply is there.  That's okay.  It's a journey.  It will continue to be a journey.

I have been praying regularly for humility and I find myself humbled by the blessings I receive and the 'in your face' way that God lets me know He knows me and loves what I am doing.  The talks in church, the articles friends post on FB, the direction conversation leads with my therapist (who, btw, is LDS and I love that we can include that as part of our discussion).... all of these things give me inspiration or serve as confirmation to things on my mind or answers to prayers.  I have made some changes in the direction of some things in my life (more on that later) and I have made some hard decisions in conjunction with that.  Yet, I feel very at peace with it because of these things leading to it.  I have rediscovered my desire to serve and my trust in God.  I am rediscovering my trust in my own self as well.  It's a beautiful thing.  We moved recently and my world was consumed with the chaos of that amidst running our business and a family death.  I can't tell you how good it feels to get back into those things that should have always been there (but to not beat myself up about momentarily going into 'just survive' mode)- the self-care and scripture study, the prayer and healthy foods and journaling every morning.

I feel grateful and blessed.  I am releasing things so that I can get out of my own way.  I am owning my story.  I am owning my weight.  Only when I own it can I let it go, and that is what I am doing.  I definitely believe that our bodies have memories and associate certain events with certain weights (if that's important to you) and circumstances.  I've believed that for many years.   I'm just now remembering and being willing to face that.  Liberating.  Scary.  Healing.  I'm lighter already. ;)

children and pornography

I would like to move to the UK because at least this is a legit discussion being had. This is a vitally important read. It doesn't address the brain chemistry changes that occur and the WHY of the increasing behavior...but it tells truth. I hope and pray that these children are being taught by someone that they CAN be made whole again. Those images CAN be taken from their mind and compulsive behaviors or thought patterns removed. You can be healed. I am so grateful to have that knowledge and experience- for myself and my family.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2135203/Jamie-13-kissed-girl-But-hes-Sex-Offender-Register-online-porn-warped-mind-.html

Here is another really great article:

http://motherhoodmatters.blogs.deseretnews.com/2013/10/01/how-to-teach-children-about-gasp-pornography/

reporting in

I have been struggling lately. I have not eaten terribly per se (yesterday's cereal binge and today's ice cream bar aside). I haven't felt like working out or paying attention to what I eat or even caring. I don't care about doing IronGirl anymore. I don't know what happened. I haven't been able to pinpoint a trigger. Heck, I go back and forth about whether I even care about the change. 

Why do I tell you this when I am actively trying to build a Beachbody business and wanting to get you to join me?

I don't know. Except I do know this: Honesty matters. Those little slips will become something bigger if I don't admit to them and what they really mean. If I am not honest with you about my journey even while trying to coach, then I am really am just trying to sell you something. That's not me. Or at least that isn't who I want to be. I want to help you. I want to change myself and I want you to experience that as well. I want the best me and the best you. I am struggling with caring about that right now, but I know that is still my truth. I know that Shakeology makes a serious difference in how I feel. I haven't been consistent with it this last week and boy can I feel the difference. It has made it ridiculously easier to slip when I haven't had it. Yes, some is mental as drinking it reminds me of a commitment to putting good things in my body. It's more than that though- it is my mood, energy, cravings, thought clarity all being affected. I believe in Shakeology so I will try to convince you to as well. I also believe the Beachbody workouts are extremely well-designed and have real science behind the structure of the programs. I have read enough things over enough years to recognize a common and consistent pattern to proper fitness, and I see it in their programs. I haven't been doing a specific program this last month and I know that has been part of my problem as well. It makes a difference. I'm not giving up because I am not going to start over. I still make better choices and have good, healthy habits that I didn't have before. It has extended to my family who have noticed the difference as I have slacked in commitment. I have been at a standstill with my body for over a month and the physical battle of that as well as the mental battle with the negative voices telling me I am just different than everyone else and never going to lose any more weight or change my body anymore etc (like I said, I'm fighting them)...well, it has taken a toll. I'm just being honest with you all because I know that at the end of the day, that matters. I don't want to sell you something. I want to change. I want to want to change, but not out of feelings of shame. I want you to feel the same because even if I don't feel it right now, I know that I have. I know that I've felt the other side of this and will again if I don't give up. I want to help you feel that too, because helping you helps me. I am so grateful to you challengers of mine and I hope to be a better coach to you soon and more motivational to you all. 

another great article

Oh how I love this. Especially as a Christian mother of boys, who lives in Las Vegas. Especially the last part:

"I think it is vital that we teach our boys that there is a difference between finding someone sexually attractive vs. reducing another person to a sexual object. We would do well to teach our boys that one does not have to lead to the other. (We would also do well to reassure our children that sexual attraction is TOTALLY NORMAL).

Speaking of sexual attraction being totally normal, something else really bothered me in Mrs. Hall’s post. She said:

We hope to raise men with a strong moral compass, and men of integrity don’t linger over pictures of scantily clad high-school girls.

I’m going to ignore the age specifics here, since she’s referring to her boys who are in high school. But I want to point out that many men of integrity DO linger over pictures of scantily-clad women. The fact that Mrs. Hall thinks these things are mutually exclusive is not going to prepare her sons well, either. In my counseling practice I’ve seen MANY men of integrity who struggle with looking at pornography. Of course, some men do this and don’t have moral convictions about it, but I’m referring to men who hold religious beliefs that place this behavior outside their own moral code. I’ve seen pastors of mega-churches, Christian authors, elders, church leaders struggling with pornography . . . I’ve seen great husbands and exemplary dads who struggle with their impulses as it relates to sexual imagery. Plenty of good men struggle to adhere to their own convictions about sexual imagery or lust. And I’ve also seen that most of these men, when raised in Christian homes, had families that shared a pattern of behavior:

They were taught to be ashamed of their sexual feelings
Their parents emphasized female bodies as “forbidden fruit”
They were taught all-or-nothing thinking in relation to sexuality (i.e. Good men aren’t even tempted by this stuff)
Their families lived in denial about adolescent sexual behavior
Their families never normalized sexual feelings
Their families held the reigns too tight, failing to equip them for life in the real world

These kinds of parental behaviors often lead to the very thing the parents are trying to avoid, because when we pair shame with normal sexual attraction, over and over, we are telling our boys (and girls) that there is something wrong with them. Shame is the fuel for addiction – why saddle our children with that potential? We’ve got to normalize sexual feelings and within that, teach self-control and respect."



http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2013/09/on-respect-responsibility-and-mrs-halls.html

I would personally add that we just plain need to normalize feelings and stop shaming behaviors & attitudes toward children, ourselves, and each other. Addiction of any kind (pornography, video games, gambling, overeating, drugs, alcohol, etc) is bound by shame.

http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2013/09/on-respect-responsibility-and-mrs-halls.html

yikes

Ok. Here's the deal. Tonight I caught myself literally scavenging in my kitchen for bad food. I have wanted bad food all day and it's only gotten worse as the day has gone on. I haven't really made bad choices through the day but haven't made the best ones either. When I did eat I felt full really quickly and then I didn't want to eat. 
Anyway, I was to the point of being mad that there wasn't crap in my house to eat. I wanted my 'fix' and I was just about to go to the store to get it. Then it occurred to me WHY. I have a skin infection that has come on very very suddenly and very painfully. Try as I may, I have been unable to distract myself from it. I can't touch it but it itches. It hurts and I have a headache from it. I was desperate for a stomachache to take my mind off the other pain. That's why I wanted junk so badly, and lots of it. There's an addict for ya. There's total transparency and honesty for ya. 
I had some Greek yogurt and some grape nuts instead and have climbed in bed with my ice water beside me, crochet in my lap, and something on the tv to distract me until I fall asleep instead.

I need YOUR help

First.... I've been slacking.  I lost my mojo.  I blame end of summer.  I'm just over it.  I'm ready for the kids to go to school and stop picking on each other.  I'm ready for routine.  I'm ready for fall temperatures.  I'm ready for holiday fun.  I'm sure my tune will change in a month when I'm overloaded with homework help and juggling roles.  ;)  I also realized I let my mojo go.  I slacked on my personal development and self-care.  Then I let myself slack some more.  No fear...I'm bringing it back though.  I have been spending the last week or so organizing like crazy and cleaning out junk and just getting things in order around my house.  Things I've wanted to get done for a while I have gotten done or am in the process of.  I feel like those are important for my success as well.

That's not the reason for this post though.

I was approached by a member of my bishopric recently and he asked me for information on the addiction recovery program.  I realize how very blessed I am that when we were dealing with DH's addiction we were in a ward with a bishop who knew about the program and who 'got it'.  Newer bishops especially just frequently aren't trained in it.  Even when I met with my bishop currently to air out some 'step 4' stuff, he needed me to explain to him what step 4 was.  Any of you in the ARP world know what that means.  So how can we remedy this?  There needs to be more education.  You and I can start in our little circles and create a ripple effect.  Help me in mine.  Send me your 'Dear Bishop' letters.  I know the bishopric members are so busy and overwhelmed.  They don't have time to read the "He Restoreth My Soul" and countless other books that will really help them understand addiction.  They don't have time to regularly attend ARP meetings to get a feel for what they are like and how they change people's lives.  So how can we make a concise explanation for them in a way to make it possible for others to become more aware of the tools and resources available to them?  

The best way that I know to explain the 12 step program provided by the church, especially the Healing Through Christ manual that we used as part of our PASG group, is that it is a step by step practical application of Gospel principles.  It is making the Atonement personal and creating a relationship with Christ that you didn't even realize you were missing out on.  It is making the Atonement a healing balm, not just a relief from sin.  

a little history lesson

I've been contacted recently by a few people who have wanted some more background on my relationship with my husband and the struggles we have gone through.  There is some of it on this blog in further years back, but I realize not everyone reads older posts and even still there are a lot of holes there because I wasn't writing regularly at the time.

Although this happened a few years ago and although some of you may know some who are involved, I am sharing it out of a greater concern for those who I know need to hear this.  Those who know my husband and his family, I trust to respect the privacy of those involved and to withhold judgement.  This is the story of 'the situation' (as referenced in earlier posts) as I have told it to some recently.  This was a major turning point and I feel that all of us involved have improved and found blessings since:

The Situation
AKA When I got my impression that divorce was okay

First, you have to know the background....The nature of living in Las Vegas and being in the air conditioning industry means sometimes early mornings and late hours, especially during the summertime. So sometimes he'd tell me he was going to be home late or sometimes he'd go in early to unload a truck or get some things done before things got crazy once they opened.

Well, it turns out that's where he was 'using'. My husband is different than most in that his primary porn source is actually literature. That's a whole lot harder to block with a filter. It's also a lot easier to disguise at work. It isn't that the pictures don't do it for him or that he never looks at them...but it is something about the living vicariously through the stories....

So at the warehouse my kids sometimes run around and dad gives them rides on the forklift and that sort of thing. I don't recall how far into the whole recovery thing we were when I was walking around the warehouse while my boys played and came upon a sort of desk area that the warehouse workers (2 guys that he is over) had set up. There was a desk covered in pictures. Not the worst I've seen but the kind you'd find in GQ or Maxim.

To say I was livid would be an understatement. Here he was telling me he was doing so good, going to recovery meetings, trying his best....and there is THIS at work? And I'm supposed to believe him?! How is he EVER supposed to be ok while that is there? Why is he, or his dad or ANY of the other LDS guys he works with okay with letting that be there? How do they expect the business to be successful (economy hasn't been so great here) and have the blessing of Heavenly Father while they allow THAT? How did he expect to build any kind of trust?

And my son, who was turning 8 in a few months, had seen it all. So I was doubly livid.

Pretty sure I kicked him out again at that point. I could go ask him but he'd probably say "I try to block all that out of my mind."

This caused me major trouble. On the one hand I felt like he was doing well and he was choosing to go to meetings, saying how they help, doing steps and making personal changes I could see. On the other it felt like asking an alcoholic to work in a bar.

I felt like every day was this battle with Satan in my head. Like a full blown exhausting war was being waged within me and I hated it.

So he promised me that this desk will be gone. For weeks and months he tells me he has bugged this person or that person about needing to get rid of it. One person or another claims that they will but then they don't do anything. At that point he's still dealing with being major shame-based so he is having a hard time with how to say what but I say 'too bad, you better figure it out.' How was I supposed to believe that he was even saying anything to anyone anyway?

I kept trying to put my foot down, and being a situation involving others I didn't know at what point to draw what line. I had already drawn a boundary that no early or late hours or after hours weekend calls would be allowed and I was immensely grateful for the support received on that and lack of any fighting back about it.  The company was moving their warehouse and he assured me that he was assured by the guys that the desk would not be making the move. So I opted to wait and see. He told me after the move that he was so mad at them because there it was and he was upset that he wasn't respected (which has been his issue at work and part of his background with his addiction) and nobody would take him seriously etc. I didn't know whether to believe and trust that he was genuinely as upset by this as I, or if he was trying to cover his tracks because he knew I'd look for it as soon as I visited him at work.

I continued to let it go for a little while after it but it was a serious thorn in my side and I needed it out. After praying I finally I needed to take matters into my own hands. I might not have any right to do anything at his place of employment, but I do have the right to say something to his boss if his boss is his father and I wasn't okay with letting that stay there. So I wrote a letter to both of his parents. I explained to them what he had told me of his version of the story, and my feelings about it. I told them how he needed to feel that he was supported by his family and that this was a way that could be done. Then I told them my feelings- that I was prepared to give him an ultimatum: me, the job, or the desk - and that I hoped that as his parents they would not want him to be in that position and that I did not want to have to find out the answer.

His dad got rid of the desk and my husband was FURIOUS with me. Seriously, I have seen him mad at other people but I have never seen him mad at me like that- before or since. He felt I went behind his back and was completely out of line. I refused to apologize. He quit talking to me. Of course this only fanned flames of doubt in my mind. If he was really making good choices then why would he react in such a way?That was when I went to the temple out of desperation because I was so confused about how to act, react, interpret...everything. I got a very distinct impression that I had 'done my part' finally- made every sacrifice possible to show my personal humility and willingness to put things in the Lord's hands and stood up for what was right...and that if I did not see changes in DH it would be okay to get a divorce because the Lord said I had made every effort on my end.

I was shocked, scared, and relieved to get that impression. And it sent me into a tailspin where I gained 10 lbs in less than a month but that's a different story.

What's interesting though is that the very next week we went to the counselor together. I told him about the feeling I got at the temple. He finally talked about how my actions with the letter made him feel. We still didn't come to an agreement but it was as though my eyes were suddenly opened and I could see the broken man that he was who was just trying to do his best. It wasn't good enough in my book but it was all he had at that point in time. And that is why we are not divorced. I needed to be willing to completely give it all over (in my tailspin I had to finally reach the point where I accepted and acknowledged that inspiration and felt truly willing to take that next step even with all the fears and uncertainty- and judgement from others- that would come with it) I think now that I needed the Lord's validation of my feelings and path in the prompting I got at the temple. Feeling that validation scared me to death (like I was afraid of my own power or control of the situation) but led me to self-examination that led me to humility that allowed my eyes to be more fully opened.

^THAT actually was the point at which I realized *I* had a problem. It makes me sad that it wasn't enough for me to change then but I accept now that it was and is a process. There have been bumps along the road for me personally since that time and I needed those experiences to teach me to help shape me to who I am now.

Something interesting that I learned is that we sometimes 'pad' ourselves. Quite frequently those who have eating disorders (on both ends of the spectrum) are unconsciously (or even consciously) trying to make themselves 'disappear'. The anorexic wants to become so small that she isn't noticed so nobody thinks to hurt her. The overweight wants to become undesirable so that nobody hurts or uses her anymore. I would add that the married to a porn addict or struggling with a marriage wants to make herself undesirable to her husband so that she doesn't have to deal with his advances while trying to detach or while trying to figure things out. OR she wants to 'feel stuck' as though no one else would want her because she feels like damaged goods or feels afraid of her own empowerment. Those are all feelings that I have felt.

of life and death and things in between

Do you remember the 'oh bla dee' show?  That's what my brother and I always called it anyway.  I think it was officially called 'Life Goes On'.  Anywho...I supposed it could sum up life around here.

Sunday was the anniversary of my mom's passing.  14 years ago.  It is generally a huge trigger for me so I made the commitment in my group beforehand that I would not eat after 8 (since that is usually mindless, emotional eating) nor would I have any ice cream (my major comfort food- largely because I associate it with memories of my mom) for the week.  Lemme tell you.... it was HARD.  I did, however, discover that cups of crushed ice are a glorious substitution and will do quite well to satisfy.  I found myself thinking about my mom a lot this year.  Maybe it is the journey I am on.  Maybe it is the nearing her age, sort of.  Maybe it is my children being the age my siblings were when she died.  I really don't know.  Maybe it is that one of her best friends from her childhood passed away recently and I've been talking with her daughter that is my age. Amazing how those feelings and memories can so quickly be recalled if you choose.  The passing of time does not remove the ability to empathize with a heartache so deep.  Being that the 4th of July holiday is so close to her death, I find that it brings up a lot of emotions for me as well.  I survived it all though and didn't use food to cope.  I had a very nice experience at the cemetery.  It was a perfectly beautiful and humid day.  It was humid the day we buried her.  It had rained in the days before.  It had started raining the day she died- continued until the morning of the funeral, as though the world wept with me.  It wasn't busy there and the grass seemed greener than usual.  Someone had left bright flowers.  Silk flowers, but those last longer.  I have a sneaking suspicion it was my Grandma Douglas.  For 14 years I have visited my mother's grave.  For 14 years I have always found new flowers there, never looking wilted or sun-faded.  It's such a comfort.  I suspect my Grandma is the one to do it because many many years ago she once commented about going regularly...she was apologizing to me for there not being pretty flowers on my mom's grave when an upcoming holiday had just passed (maybe her birthday or something) and she was worried I went to visit and there wasn't anything.  I had no clue before that.  They weren't even super close or anything, but it is such an incredibly loving thing to me that small act of service.  This Sunday I found myself comforted by comments from others who told me how much that day stayed in their minds, how much they missed my mom still, how much they loved her still.  It's strange that I would find comfort in that but it felt good knowing that others were as impacted as I.  I said a prayer as I left the cemetery and was overcome.  I had a special experience unlike any before and I was so grateful for that special blessing.

So what's weird is that I did really well all last week leading up to Sunday.  I have been wiped out since.  I guess it's a little like I didn't realize how mentally or emotionally draining the experiencing of the hard moments and making good food choices in a major trigger time would be....and I didn't even realize it until after the fact when it all sort of crashed down.  I wasn't prepared for that.  Yesterday wasn't a particularly great day.  There are a lot of things going on this week and rather than face and deal with them, I absorbed myself in work and didn't eat and then was tempted to gorge later.  Thankfully I filled myself up with healthy foods when I did finally eat.  I came to all this realization at the end of the day and determined today would be a much better one.

I was awoken today by a text from a ward member/neighbor/friend.  Another neighbor/friend/ward member had lost her son to suicide.  I am in the Primary Presidency and this woman is one of the most amazing primary teachers.  She is my son's teacher in fact and her daughter is one of my kids' friends.  My heart broke into a million pieces thinking of her and of her children who would have to figure out how to process their brother taking his own life and that missing part of their family.  Then I pulled up the news on my computer to find that the fire that has been raging in the the mountains outside the valley had gotten even closer to our family cabin.  My heart sunk a little more.  Here I had determined that today would be a better day and I was feeling dragged down and down.  I grabbed a couple of Pizza Hut chicken wings out of the fridge that DH had brought home yesterday.  Okay, I ate 3.  I knew the things I should do but I really did not want to do any of them.  At all.  All desire and life was sucked out of me.  I walked down and gave her a hug because it was all I could think to do.  I still didn't feel like doing anything.  I'm happy to report that I finally did get out of that funk thanks to some support from my group and some tender mercies from the Lord.  What a difference that can make!

There is still so much going on and so much to share but it has gotten late and I truly need to sleep.

the time we were almost on a talk show

It was December 2011.

I was driving with my kids out to Red Rock for a spur of the moment excursion.  My phone rang and the screen showed it was my husband's therapist, our marriage counselor.  We hadn't been there for months.  My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach wondering what he could be calling about.

He needed my help with something.  Phew! I seriously had it run through my mind that DH was in some sudden and unexpected trauma and called him instead of me but was serious enough to warrant the therapist calling me.  He was scheduled to appear on a national talk show as an expert in the field to discuss sexual addiction and the couple he was still regularly treating that had agreed to do it had backed out at the last minute.  Would we be willing to do that?  Could he give my number to the producer for the show so that she could give me a call and give me more information?

Blank.

That was about where my mind went.  Thankfully I had just arrived at the parking lot so I didn't have to keep trying to drive with this shock.  My initial reaction was what I believe it would still be...."I will happily do anything to help educate and provide hope for others."  Admittedly my very second reaction, that I kept to myself, was 'I cannot go on national television looking the way I do' and I was overwhelmed with shame about body and immediately had the old demons of 'people will say it is my fault, that if I were just more attractive or skinnier etc then my husband wouldn't have this problem.' False.  This was why this national conversation needed to be had.

Obviously our counselor understood the need to talk it over.  He encouraged me to have a discussion with DH and get back to him the next day.  However, time was also of the essence as they were supposed to be taping this show really soon.  It also meant that we would need to quickly decide whether we even could get away for a couple of days to NYC.  After all, we do have 4 kids that would need to be watched and a job that would need to be okay with a last minute vacation of sorts.

I still get a little anxious thinking about this.  I can feel my heart racing just as it did at the thought of being on Anderson Cooper.  That's right....Anderson Cooper.  Admittedly, I hadn't seen his talk show at all but I knew his reputation as a news reporter.  If it had been probably any other talk show I would likely have not considered it (okay, Ellen is dang funny and Dr Phil I'd hope would have a good take on things).  However, Anderson Cooper seemed to be more about integrity than flair and facts than show.  So I agreed to talk it over with DH and had already determined in my mind that I would do it.

The 12th step in the ARP and PASG manual says "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do."  This was my chance to do that.

Now, understand that DH had only been clean for barely a year at this point.  There were (and are) still a lot of trust issues to be worked out.  I was at a point where I believed he was no longer using and I believed him when he said so, but I still questioned and doubted.  I realize that sounds contradictory but I imagine you can only understand once you have been there so I know no other way to describe it.

So I sat down with DH that night to tell him what had happened, what we had been asked to do, and he bristled.  I panicked.  Did that mean that he had more secrets?  He is a more private person than I am and I understand that.  This was certainly about him, not me, so I made it very clear that was his decision entirely and he needed to not feel pressured to make the choice one way or the other.  I would support him either way.  He grew up in a home where he was surrounded by relatives and everyone in each others' business.  That's left him a little scarred you might say.  He feels so strongly about not sharing 'his business' that it is, in my opinion, to the extreme opposite...because he has felt too many years of being shamed for choices or hearing others make judgments and gossip.  He doesn't want to be the subject of that.  What person, especially an addict, does?

We were concerned about the anonymity of it.  Was this something where we would be black shadows and our voices disguised?  The answer was no.  I was concerned about the misinformation that is out there and the resulting effect on any future employers or parents of our kids' friends or something.  My husband is not some 'freak' but I know that misunderstanding exists.  If we were to go on this show and share our story then we would be showing our faces and our names, though first names only.  His biggest concern was any of his extended family seeing the show, knowing that side of him, and then always watching for him to make a mistake.  I wondered if that meant maybe he wasn't planning on this being a real change after all.

I cannot explain the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions that went through both of our minds over the next couple of days.

Well at least we'd get a free trip to NYC out of it and a little getaway from the kids.  After all, I deserved at least that much for all the hell I had gone through.  Yup...we both had that thought on our own.

What if we went on national tv to provide hope to others that recovery was possible and it cause some big trigger that then created a relapse and we looked like great big hypocrites? After all, I have my boundary that I will not tolerate it and others might see that the wrong way if I have to enforce it.

One time I spoke up in a church lesson about the ARP program to say how wonderful it was.  It was a few months later I'd found out he had been actively using for the previous year or two.  I felt like a big jerk for having said anything in that lesson.

While we were figuring all this out we couldn't keep it to ourselves because we also had to determine if there would even be someone to watch our kids.  It consumed us for a couple of days.  So we told a couple of family members and friends who had known of our situation (but not really ever been there through all the thick of it either). We had mixed reactions.  One said that they didn't understand why we would even consider it.  One said 'great for you, you're so brave.'  One accused me of wanting to do it only to garner sympathy for myself as a victim and to rub salt in my husband's wounds.  Another said they 'whatever- your life, your decision.'

It hurt to find those closest to us not willing to just support us in whatever we chose to do, no questions asked, and it felt like a little foreboding of what may come.

So DH said "let me go to the temple and pray about what to do because that is the only way I am going to be able to think clearly about this."
My heart leapt with joy that he came to that on his own.  I knew that I had prayerfully considered what to do and gotten my answer but that he needed to receive his for himself but needed to make the decision on how to do so himself.

He woke at an insanely early hour to visit the temple before going to work.  When he returned from work that day he heaved a big sigh but his face was alight and said "I'll do it."  We were both overcome with the same feeling that if we could trust in the Lord to take care of us and let it all work out okay then it would.  We were in agreement that there is so much misunderstanding, within the world and even within our church, about pornography and addiction and the harm it can do and the way it twists reality when you don't even think it will....that only bringing it out of the shadows and educating others could provide real hope for any change on a larger scale outside our own home.  We were terrified and excited all at once.  (I was still very much concerned with figuring out how much weight I could quickly lose in a week's time so I wouldn't be so embarrassed to be seen)  I felt hurt and stung by the implication from another that I had somehow sought out this opportunity as a chance to wave some 'woe is me' flag and so I spent a lot of time on my knees to confirm where my heart truly was.

Thus began some three or more hour long telephone conversation with the associate producer for the Anderson Cooper talk show.  I answered all her questions and told her as much detail as I could (and more than I ever really thought I would to a stranger) about our marriage, pornography, my views about both, how I found out about the problem, his recovery journey, our relationship now, my past etc.  I found that it was impossible for me to share our story without sharing a lot of gospel principles to me and a lot of testimony.  I told her all about the church's ARP program and the role it had played.  I told her we were doing good but that, yes, there were definitely still some trust issues to be worked out.  To someone who hasn't been there I guess a year of sobriety seems like so long you shouldn't even be talking about it anymore and that you are just punishing the sinner if you are.  I feel like having been there I see how quickly that year went by, while dragging on all the same, and how it took that long to even process some of the emotions and issues that arose.  A year is nothing.  A year of sobriety is something to celebrate but nothing to close the deep wounds and establish new and lasting healthier behaviors and patterns of interaction.  We felt like newlyweds minus the passion who were trying to figure out how to safely be intimate with one another again.  That is hard on a marriage.  Trust issues are hard.  So we discussed all this while I hid in my room.  And his hands shook as he took the phone from me to tell his side of the story to the person on the phone while I fed the kids dinner in the other room.  I believe that was one of the hardest things he had done.
When I got back on the phone with the woman she told me that we were possibly 'too well off' for what they were wanting for the show.  They were going to have experts on the show to help some people and she wasn't sure if we needed any more help (ha! I thought).  She thanked me for our time and told me how much she felt she had learned and that her eyes had really been opened to some things that she hadn't even thought of before.  She would get back to us shortly after having the meeting with the other producers to go over the plan for the show and we would go from there.

And that was the end of it.  Just as quickly as it had come it had ended.  We didn't go to NYC and we weren't on a national talk show.  She sent an email a little later saying the show had been postponed because of a family emergency she had and that she'd get back to us.  We never heard anything.  Our counselor felt awful for having put us through the stress of making that decision.  I told him there was no need.  In the end, it was just what I'd needed.  You see, that was the point when I realized this was real.  That was the point where I saw my husband's humility, his sobriety, and his willingness to do anything to rid his life of this beast.  That was the moment our trust began to be repaired in a way it hadn't yet been able to.  Can I say that we are now back to pre-addiction bliss?  No.  That is a fantasy that never existed.  I can say that he is a changed man, and I am a changed (and still desperately changing) individual and our marriage is so much stronger for it.  Although we never had to follow through with that 'sacrifice' or with making that scary step of becoming so public, I do believe that we both needed that experience of determining our willingness to do so and that it changed both of us.

the truth of the matter.

Please be patient with me as I try to work through some feelings I am having.  You know when you can feel something gnawing at you and you know it has something to do with your foul mood, but you don't know what that is precisely?  I have some ideas of mine (that have to do with things other than the kids fighting all day or the lack of sleep last night because of kids waking me up etc) but I need to write to sort it out.

First, I think it's okay to not feel perfect or perfectly okay with things all the time.  I think it's important to be honest about your feelings.  This is something I have felt strongly about all my life.  Maybe because I didn't get enough validation of my feelings and I was seeking it?  I don't know.  I do know that I have found myself greatly blessed at times because of my willingness to not always paint a perfect picture of my life.  There is good and there is bad and I'm willing to bet your life is that way too.  Being realistic doesn't make me pessimistic.  On the contrary, I've felt quite content and happy and just plain 'good' for the last while.  Does that mean there haven't been the moments of struggle amidst those?  Absolutely not.  But really, I've been good and I've felt uplifted and empowered and like I have really just been doing the absolutely very best I can with what I can.  So I guess when I was excited about having lost a couple pounds after a couple of weeks of gaining little bits (which is expected when you're putting on muscle and hard even when you're losing inches), I felt a bit defensive when someone else's response was "I've noticed your attitude was a lot better this last week as well."  Okayyyyy.  First, this implied to me that my attitude had not been good previously, something that I felt quite differently about.  Second, it implied that my lack of weight loss was attributed to a bad attitude.  What if my bad attitude was because of a lack of weight loss?  Or what if I was having a hard time because I wasn't sleeping well and there are countless studies about that making it harder to lose weight and then what if I finally had a week of good sleep, in which I of course then felt better?  What am I to do?  This statement made has really bothered me.  I realize this means I probably need to confront the person who said it.  I'm not really sure how to go about doing that.

Along the same lines... One of the things I love about Beachbody is the fact that they do emphasize a lot of personal development.  They really push that for you to be successful in your change for a healthier lifestyle you need to have a full-bodied approach to it and work to change the inside as well.  I think this is fantastic.  My trouble lies in my religious beliefs and experiences.  There is a lot of push for reading personal development books.  What are your thoughts on this?  By personal development books I think of the ones like "7 Habits... " etc.  I feel like if I am going to be focusing on personal development I need to be doing so through the scriptures and through church-provided ARP resources.  I feel like there's an easy in for Satan through that channel and that I've encountered a lot of people who heavily promote those kind of books but then are so ego-centric.  I need humility to change....but my humility also tells me I need help and is the help in those books??  I know I am in a vulnerable place and I don't want to get caught up in pushes for 'this effective habit' or 'that method of success' that will detract from the need to focus on my Savior as my source of strength and change...because I know that is so easy to do and I know that it would detract me even from focusing inwardly on myself even though that sounds contradictory to what a self-help book would do.  Does that make any sense?  Like I would find myself focusing on following some outlined steps or habits and living up to some worldly set standard rather than listening for personal revelation and simply reading church materials.  I know there is a quote about reading the Book of Mormon being the best way for an individual to change.  Then I think, am I just resisting this because it is different for me and the addict in me doesn't want me to change?  I guess I feel confused and so alone in this thought process about it.  And pressured to feel differently, which leaves me even more confused.  At the same time,  I know that as a wife dealing with my husband's addiction and with trying to understand my relationship in it, there were books that helped me tremendously and that I would not have been able to reach my state of healing without.  With the exception of Healing the Shame that Binds You (which was recommended to me by my therapist as a means of understanding my husband but which I highly recommend to anyone), they were all books that dealt specifically with pornography addiction or some facet of that.  They were much more specific.  They weren't about how to be successful or purposeful or whatnot.

What else?

I feel like I have something very special and specific to give but I don't know what it is.  I don't know if I'm missing it, distracted by other things, or if it just isn't my time.  I have thoughts about things I should or need to write about and then I don't because I don't take the time or I let myself get distracted by other things.  That or I question if it 'fits' (which is silly since I'm still not sure whether I should write more of my experience recovering from food addiction or as the wife of a recovered sex addict or if I should not worry about distinguishing between the two, in which case there is no need to determine if it 'fits').  I am so inspired by some of the other blogs or articles I read or I sometimes read some and think just how very much I can relate because I was there and am so grateful to not be there...and I want so desperately to provide those people with some real hope.  I want to be an instrument in the Lord's hands but I don't know how or if it just isn't the right time.  I pray about it and get no real answer.  Maybe I'm praying about the wrong thing.  Maybe I'm not being patient enough.  I know that I have been given some very special counsel in the past that told me I would be a light in the darkness for many and that I needn't worry about what should be said at the time because it would come to me.... I want so badly to fulfill that (I felt so fulfilled in that respect as a sponsor and when I was facilitating the PASG meetings) because I want to please my Heavenly Father and because I know how 'right' it feels for me.  I hope that this blog does that somewhat for even a few out there.  I know that it has seen an incredible number of visitors (over 1000 hits in less than a month) but I don't know much about many of you and how I can help you because I don't hear from many.  I want to help.  If you don't feel comfortable leaving a comment or if you have a question or a post suggestion that you'd rather not leave in a comment I beg you to email me at halabilly {at} gmail {dot} com.  I don't say any of this because I seek the praises of the world.  I have to catch myself to make sure that isn't where my motivation is.  I just feel desperately like I have something to give or some mission I can fulfill that I am just falling short of recognizing or realizing and I need that.  For me.

There is more.... it has to do with how triggered I am feeling right now, how I am struggling with the stresses of summer on my marriage, how I just ate a bag of cookies without realizing it- even if they were 'clean' ones I made from scratch myself, how things are good and not all at once, how I miss my mom, how the kids really drove me crazy today and I felt like I went back in time to about 3 years ago---which then makes me a little crazy because sometimes those things are also symptoms of some behind-the-scenes-not-so-good-behavior going on...which then can trigger you to be crazy and feel like you need to check and recheck and question trust....or they can just be symptoms of the fact that you're human and living a life....and the questioning of it all makes you a little crazy in itself and leaves you a little wondering if it's really going to always be this way even though you know that in a moment of sanity you feel like it's maybe not and that if it is you at least have a good relationship with your Savior to keep you grounded and rooted.......

summa-summa-summa-summatime

Dang, I feel like it's been forever since I blogged.  Having the kids home from school just plain throws all schedules crazy.  Prior to that, I had a cah-ray-zay week preparing for my great-grandma's 100th birthday party.  I had some stuff thrown on me last minute that required a whole lot more time than I think anyone even still realizes and I still needed to attempt to keep my house in order for company coming.  That was a sort of up and down week as I did catch myself falling into old behaviors of hyperfocusing and not eating.  However, I am proud to report that I caught on to that and forced myself to eat regularly and to devote time to self-care and exercise before it got too out of hand.  I was a bit disappointed in how far it went but I reminded myself that this is a journey and I am still progressing toward perfection, toward making my stumbling blocks my strengths.  Having my accountability group most definitely kept me from falling down into that spiral of starving/binging or stress eating because I had somewhere I needed to report to each night and real people to whom I was committed to being accountable to.

So that was a couple of weeks ago.  I took a day at the beginning of last week to recover from it all and then I set to having summer with my children.  I found myself actively engaging in their lives and being present in the moments.  In summers past we would have an outing once a week and that would generally be my limit for all the effort it took or because I just didn't want to be in public.  I don't know if it is that they are older or if it is the change in me, or if it was just a fluke week.... But we literally went somewhere every single day and it was my idea. We had a grand time visiting the park, the library, a warehouse sale, going out to lunch, spending the afternoon at the waterpark, going to the farmer's market, shopping and more.  Every night was one of those nights where I felt 'done' but in a glorious way.  I had decided I was going to really give my efforts an extra push in my workouts and my eating.  I did it and it felt good to stick to that.  I'm sure eating all that healthy food helped my energy and moods also.  Still, I felt like I was different.

I do need to report something big.  Remember when I said I would make it up that hill on my bike by the end of the summer?  I did it!  On Saturday.  DH had said a few weeks earlier "I don't see why you can't get up it now. I bet you could if you really tried."  It was enough to get me thinking.  I didn't make it up the hills on the triathlon in one fell swoop.  Most of the ladies' took a breather here and there.  So who was to say I couldn't get to the top if I just took some time along the way to catch my breath?  So that's precisely what I did.  I'll have to blog about that separately just because it was it's own accomplishment and boy did I have Satan putting those thoughts in my head.  Nevertheless, I made it!

So, guess what that means?  It means I took the plunge and I registered for IronGirl. Oh man, I got such crazy jitters and nerves for it that I had to distract myself right away.  I'm scared and nervous and excited all at once.  The best part though was when I told DH what I had done.  His face lit up just the way that it did watching our children take their first steps.  I wish I'd had a camera ready to capture that look because I'm convinced it will get me through any difficulty in training or in completing the race come race day.  I can do hard things....but it is the support of others, including my Heavenly Father, that gives me that ability.  There was another reason to me signing up for IronGirl on Monday.  It was the day after Father's Day.  For me, that means it was the anniversary of D-Day (discovery of my husband's addiction & when I asked him to leave) in our household.  I've had a lot of projects lately that have required going back through old photos or our 'history' and I've realized how much of my personal spiral of weight and whatnot really was tied to that D-Day and the time since.  It has been 3 years since that day.  So much has happened in that time.  I felt like I wanted to mark the day differently and mark it as my own rebirth somehow now, because it was what I needed.  I thought about how I feel jealous of the commitment of new moms to immediately get their pre-baby bodies back.  How 'if only' I'd done this sooner I wouldn't have been like this for so long.  How I've had it in me all along.  And yet, I know that I needed that time to get to this point.  Some people have big a-ha moments that solidify their testimonies.  For me, I have always received revelation and had my testimony built up line upon line and through small confirming signs that just sort of all add up for me.  I've always been that way.  When I prayed about whether marrying DH was the right thing for me to do, I didn't get some 'yes' answer.... I got several smaller answers that added up to a confirmed 'yes'.  It must be how I learn.  That is why I have to be easy on myself for allowing myself to be fat so long, for allowing myself to listen to others' voices instead of my own, for letting the negativity in, for feeling defeatist.  I can see now that I needed to take that journey deep into the dark abyss to get to the heart of it all, to be broken to the core, to feel myself being rebuilt to be stronger, only to then have the imperfect parts chipped away.  I know that it is a slow process and how quickly the last 3 years have passed when it seemed they never would helps me be more patient with myself.  It feels merciful.  I started multiple times in the last 3 years to lose the weight or to change my habits or to make myself better.  I am better in many ways.  However, the major change in my addictive behaviors requires a lot more effort and attention than I would have had the energy for in that time. I needed the life experiences to teach me things and show me my own strength and character along the way.  

Of course after making a major commitment and feeling like I'd reached a new and positive step in my journey, I would have to face a setback.  That's the way it goes right?  No sooner had I taken the photos below than I suddenly found myself stuck on my living room floor.  Turns out I pulled a muscle in my back, maybe two.  So this week has been far different from last.  My sweet children have been wonderful and largely cared for themselves.  My older children have been taking care of giving the youngest his breathing treatments since he has been sick.  They've brought me food in bed, get well cards, and not destroyed the house while I slept away the days.  Even just half a muscle relaxer completely knocks me out.  I finally got to do a little workout again today.  I wasn't sure if it would be okay or not but I could feel that pull.... that 'ease' of lying around....that little wagging finger of the dark side saying 'it's ok...just come hang out here for a while'.  So far, I'm still mobile (wasn't there for awhile).  It can be so depressing to have your body take such a far step backward but I'm confident that as the injury heals I will be able to give it my all again and the strength will quickly return.  That's how life is isn't it?

I'm pretty sure I was going to write more or I was going to go back and reread this to make sure it all flowed correctly.  At this point I'm just going to post it and be done with it.  I keep getting interrupted and I have children calling my name to make dinner.  So I suppose if it sounds a little strange I can just blame it on that, or on the pain pills that may still be in my system.  ;)  Hope you are all doing fabulously!  

so much to say and so little time.

There has been so much on my mind lately and so much I have wanted to share with the world.  Yet, I have been busy and unable to get it all down on paper (or computer).  It is in there though, churning.  I want to say, that if you ever have any questions at all about my experience as the wife of an addict, about my journey through my husband's recovery, about my personal history, about my own addictions...anything, please ask.  As I have read through recently discovered recovery blogs I have seen so much echoed of both my past and present.  I have wished that I wrote so much more during our experience and there is so much that I would love to share but don't even know where to begin.  So if you want to know, please ask.

That being said... Let me tell you a little something that happened this week.
But first I have to give you a little, very personal, history.  Some of this I have only shared with my husband and my sponsor from when I did the PASG program.

When you work the 12-step program you reach a point where you write out your history.  Start with your earliest memory and just get it all out.  It is terrifying and liberating all at the same time.  (full disclosure: I did mine but stopped at when I got married.  ::big sigh:: that's next)  When I was doing my history I suddenly saw a pattern.  That is why it is so good.  I also saw, or remembered, holes in my memory.  These little experiences that seemed significant enough to remember, and yet the important piece of it seemed to be missing.  For example, one memory from my preschool years involving a friend who shall remain nameless that I suddenly couldn't play at their house anymore. I was upset and didn't understand why my friend didn't like me anymore.  I always associated this memory also with my hair being in braids- like perhaps it was significant because my friend always had her hair in braids and so that was when I wanted to, or it was where I first got my hair braided.  Seems silly and insignificant right?  So why do I remember it 25+ years later??  There must be more.  Was it my first broken friendship and the hurt of that that left it embellished on my brain?  Seriously, this has bothered me for a long time.  It's not like it's something I think of regularly...but one of those things that when my mind wanders to my history or to that time in my life I just can't help but be bugged by that 'hole' in my memory.

I apologize if I go all over with this post in trying to explain things.
So what happened a few days ago was that there was someone in the news. Someone who I recognized.  That someone was the father of that friend.  He was being sentenced for a sexual assault and the news stories explained what sure seems to me to be a long history of sexual misconduct.
So here I am with this memory hole.
What do I have?
A man who I was barred from going to his house suddenly when I was very young.
Stirrings of a memory that I'm not sure what it is or if I want to know.
A mother who is dead who I can't ask about these things.
A previous history of a hole in my memory that suddenly came to light... when I recalled being a 6 year old and sitting in a friend's living room with her father (or uncle?) sitting behind us, in a dark room, watching explicit porn videos that he insisted we watch with him.... remembering that suddenly (upon asking my mom a probing question that elicited a 'don't you remember' response that opened the floodgates) allowed me to suddenly see a lot of my personal struggles and behavior patterns for what they were and where they came from.
Additional history of having been molested by a peer on two other occasions in my youth and of another 'friend' trying to rape me when I was a teenager.

Suddenly I feel dirty.  I have worked through that trauma of my youth and am no longer that victim, I am a survivor.  This is new though.  What is this anyway?  I desperately want to ask my mom the rest of what happened, if she even remembers.  Of course I can't do that though.  My dad knows nothing.  I confirm with the reporter that it is in fact the same man.  I've always remembered the names of the parents of that house I couldn't go to anymore, though I've never been able to remember the friend's name.  Weird.  So I'm sad my mom isn't around to ask these things.  I'm angry because I'm wondering if something happened to me even younger than that first memory I have and that she may have kept it from me and others- leading to me being 'damaged' and he being allowed to continue as a perpetrator.  I'm confused because I don't even know what I'm dealing with.  Of course, I'm also clawing at anything in a desperate attempt to maintain some control and not start hiding my feelings with stuff in my mouth (happy to report I was successful there- on the one hand I didn't feel like eating anything and on the other I felt like eating it all).  The Lord saw me and put an angel in my path.  I went for a walk with a friend in the ward in whom I had already confided some of this dark past of mine.  I told her everything I was experiencing and just word vomited on her.  She had no answers for me, obviously, but encouraged me through her own experience just to visit with my bishop and let him take it all from me.  I felt better walking around and just getting it all out of me.  I felt better but still confused.  We talked about my health stuff and everything else going on and with my recovery.  She pointed out how it seems that much is sort of swirling around, waiting to come crashing down on me.  Yes, that is about how it works when you start a recovery or a major positive life change, or when you just plain feel things are going really well.  So she is probably right.  Just knowing that gives us power though right.  The thought of that overwhelms me and yet leaves me feeling 'bring it on' because I'm committed to this and ready to fight the fight I'm going to win.  So we were both left wondering if this was an opportunity being presented to me to deal with something in my past in order to move further along in my recovery.

I went home without answers but with a little more insight and a lot more relief.  I had not been home 2 hours when it just all suddenly came to me.  The rest of the memory.  It came with such a clarity that I knew this friend had prayed for me.  She prayed on my behalf because I had not yet been able to do it as I did not yet even know what it was I wanted.  I know this too because she confirmed it the next day when she said that she had in fact prayed that I would see what I needed to see before she went to bed that night.

The rest of the memory?
He braided my hair.  That's why the braid was significant.  I think it happened multiple times and my mom assumed it was the mom or another child doing it until I made some comment one time that he was the one who'd been braiding my hair.  I felt like I'd done something wrong because she wouldn't let me go over there after that even though other kids could.  I wonder now if she never said anything to anyone else for fear they would think she was overreacting.  I'm sure that as a preschooler I didn't understand and probably kept bugging her about it.  So she told me that my friend didn't want to be my friend anymore.  I thought I did something wrong.  I didn't understand.  I've always hated friendships ending without my understanding of why, or feeling like I've done something wrong when I did something right.  Now I understand.  My mother protected me.   She followed her gut instinct, at the risk of my feelings toward her (I'm sure I was mad at her), and she kept me safe.

She was the one who I went to later when the friends' dad had me watching porn with him.  She did the same thing then.  Even my brother remembers not being able to trick or treat at the end of the street suddenly.  I don't know if anything more happened in either of those instances, but it doesn't really matter.

I never told her about the guys when I was older.  I was too busy letting myself believe that it was my fault somehow, because that was what those guys told me. I was too busy feeling ashamed for those feelings I had and for those memories that would replay in my dreams.  I was too busy being a teenager.  It wasn't until I met the guy who would later become my husband that I even realized someone could really be interested in me just for 'me'.  That a 'good guy' could like me.  That I could be okay with that.  It was after that and my senior year psychology class that I said to her "Mom, did something happen to me?" and she said "don't you remember your friend ____?".  That was when I remembered what I did.  That was when I could put that piece together and stop feeling so much confusion about feeling like a dirty person even when I knew that deep down I wasn't.

I'm not entirely certain the purpose of this latest discovery (or of this post for that matter).  I am certain that the Lord works in mysterious ways and gives us knowledge, brings things to light, opens our eyes, as we are ready to receive.  I feel confident in that.  I'm still debating about what to do with this newfound knowledge but I know I'll figure it out and He will use it to my benefit.  I wish I could tell my mom 'thanks' for being the mean mom who wouldn't let me play with my friend because something just didn't sit right with her.  I wish I could tell her it's okay that she didn't take me to counseling or anything when I was younger even though I probably needed it...because I've got it covered now, and I've learned some pretty darn valuable lessons by having to experience them and pound them out myself.  I learn better by doing anyway.  I'm pretty sure my mom knows these things though, but it's a bit of a relief to get them out there.  I think she'd be proud of me today.