Quick lil recap

I know that I haven't posted in far too long.  Suffice to say, it has been an up and down few months....pretty standard for life I think.  I did relapse for a bit I think but I was able to find support again and all is well.  Satan tried to get into my head and make me feel helpless, but I knew that wasn't true.  I know I'm not broken.  I know I'm not beyond help.  I know he just wants me to think that way.  My coach basically stopped coaching and my challenge group had ended and I felt like I was trying to coach some others while I was in desperate need of saving myself.  You can't help others and save others until you've helped yourself.

All is well now.

In fact, I'm pretty darn excited for 2014.

I'm starting up P90X3 and I'm beyond stoked to do this (30 minute) program and to complete it.  I have missed the structure of a program laid out for me.  I could have done better and stuck to another actual schedule after finishing ChaLean, but I used my triathlon training as an excuse.  (Oh yah.... I need to post about THAT.... I finished IronGirl!!!!!!!!!!).  In any case, it's going to be awesome and I'm ready to bring it.


I did the following post on FB tonight and felt it would be nice to just have the little recap here as well:
I wrote this in Feb: "Maybe these lousy results will help me be more focused and motivated with the prospect of being in a swimsuit at the end of this next month. It's either that or I feel it's pointless and doing no good and I should accept this really is the 'new me' from now on (these are the mind battles I have with myself). It occurs to me that this is how an addict feels- that their efforts are pointless, that they are defective human beings, that they can have a little bit of leeway and it won't make a big difference but they get upset when it adds up and does."

Then this at the end of April: "Today was the first day of the new challenge group I committed to participating in. It will be really great to have the accountability of a group to report to each and every day. I can't tell you how positive I feel about this...about it being 'right' for me...about having all the tools I need to have this be 'it' and the last time. "

I posted this in May: http://just4thehealthofit.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-whys-and-hows.html

Wrote this in June: "There is a mental power to feeling physically strong... especially when you feel like people look at you and see someone who is weak. Do you do that when you see someone who is overweight? You don't know what's really in there. "

I wrote this to myself in August: "These things do not define you, and yet they are you. Being a new and better person doesn't mean that you were a bad person before. It doesn't invalidate or lessen the worth of your self at any given stage in your life. You are simply at a different point in your life now. You are here because of what you've been through but you might have been here even without them. You might not be here without them. You could be in a different place, a much worse place, because of all this. You needn't feel bad. You are strong. You are a survivor. You have hurt and you have tried to take care of yourself and you have tried to protect yourself...all the best you could and the best you knew how with what you had at the time. You really did try your best with what you had and what you understood and where you were in your life."

and this: "I feel so empowered when I think of this. I think how just such a short time ago I was acting upon just a glimpse of a desire. I wasn't sure that this Beachbody thing would work but I had a small enough desire to give it a change. I was afraid of admitting to and facing an eating disorder, but I had just a glimmer of a hope that the change I saw in my husband could happen with me.

I haven't lost a ton of weight and yet I am finally able to envision that other me. The fit and healthy and unstoppable me. I see her again. I couldn't find her for a long time. I don't feel that it's like I'm some suddenly different person. I see it more as having been in a place of light for so long that my eyes had adjusted and I didn't see just how much brighter it could be.....I didn't realize not all the lights were on, until they were on. It's tasting that delicious fruit of the tree of life and wanting to share it with others because you didn't realize how much you were missing out on."

and I haven't really written on my blog since.... BUT I feel EXACTLY THAT WAY there at the end still. THAT's how I know this works and is going to keep on working. THAT'S why I am doing what I am doing.

You know what's funny? At a friend's suggestion, I started trying to come up with a single word to be my focus for the year. This year the word I chose was NOURISH. Man, I had no idea where that would take me. So awesome!

reporting in

A week back with an accountability group, back in the game, and down 4.25" as well as the 1.6lbs gained over the 3wks of not before. That's what doing things the healthy way will do. So thankful for muscle memory. Remind me of this the next time I am tempted by a quick-loss solution or complain of slow loss.

reporting in

I have been struggling lately. I have not eaten terribly per se (yesterday's cereal binge and today's ice cream bar aside). I haven't felt like working out or paying attention to what I eat or even caring. I don't care about doing IronGirl anymore. I don't know what happened. I haven't been able to pinpoint a trigger. Heck, I go back and forth about whether I even care about the change. 

Why do I tell you this when I am actively trying to build a Beachbody business and wanting to get you to join me?

I don't know. Except I do know this: Honesty matters. Those little slips will become something bigger if I don't admit to them and what they really mean. If I am not honest with you about my journey even while trying to coach, then I am really am just trying to sell you something. That's not me. Or at least that isn't who I want to be. I want to help you. I want to change myself and I want you to experience that as well. I want the best me and the best you. I am struggling with caring about that right now, but I know that is still my truth. I know that Shakeology makes a serious difference in how I feel. I haven't been consistent with it this last week and boy can I feel the difference. It has made it ridiculously easier to slip when I haven't had it. Yes, some is mental as drinking it reminds me of a commitment to putting good things in my body. It's more than that though- it is my mood, energy, cravings, thought clarity all being affected. I believe in Shakeology so I will try to convince you to as well. I also believe the Beachbody workouts are extremely well-designed and have real science behind the structure of the programs. I have read enough things over enough years to recognize a common and consistent pattern to proper fitness, and I see it in their programs. I haven't been doing a specific program this last month and I know that has been part of my problem as well. It makes a difference. I'm not giving up because I am not going to start over. I still make better choices and have good, healthy habits that I didn't have before. It has extended to my family who have noticed the difference as I have slacked in commitment. I have been at a standstill with my body for over a month and the physical battle of that as well as the mental battle with the negative voices telling me I am just different than everyone else and never going to lose any more weight or change my body anymore etc (like I said, I'm fighting them)...well, it has taken a toll. I'm just being honest with you all because I know that at the end of the day, that matters. I don't want to sell you something. I want to change. I want to want to change, but not out of feelings of shame. I want you to feel the same because even if I don't feel it right now, I know that I have. I know that I've felt the other side of this and will again if I don't give up. I want to help you feel that too, because helping you helps me. I am so grateful to you challengers of mine and I hope to be a better coach to you soon and more motivational to you all. 

sticking to goals as a mom

Want to know how to stay on point as a mom? Tell your kids your plans. I've intentionally never talked to my kids about my weight or weight loss because I don't want them to become focused on that themselves. However, this time around I HAVE talked with them regularly about my goals that are related to healthy living and to my challenge group. I've involved them in exercise with me and I've shown it as an example and priority. Welllllll.... This last week I slacked. I had excuses...some good (pulled hip muscle) and some not (no time). I focused on a lot of other things that were also important to me and a priority. Didn't think anyone noticed. Well, yesterday P (9) asked me if I had been exercising lately and when I replied that I hadn't the last few days she asked why I didn't do it while they were at school. Today W (10) pointed out that we didn't do plank Saturday yesterday...or the last few. (In my defense I did do a week or two without him).

a different kind of challenge group

Maybe now that the kids are in school, you are ready to rededicate some time to yourself? Do you want to give yourself an A+ for the rest of the year? Do you want to finish out the year knowing you've made a difference and felt a change? I can tell you, from personal experience, that you would be AMAZED at the difference that can happen- inside and out- in such a short amount of time. The time will pass anyway. In fact, you know this time of year flies by. Will you commit to making yourself a priority? Will you let me and other wonderful people help you do that? NOW is the time.

There are some important deadlines coming up. (dates listed are when groups START- you must commit a week prior to be properly prepared)

yikes

Ok. Here's the deal. Tonight I caught myself literally scavenging in my kitchen for bad food. I have wanted bad food all day and it's only gotten worse as the day has gone on. I haven't really made bad choices through the day but haven't made the best ones either. When I did eat I felt full really quickly and then I didn't want to eat. 
Anyway, I was to the point of being mad that there wasn't crap in my house to eat. I wanted my 'fix' and I was just about to go to the store to get it. Then it occurred to me WHY. I have a skin infection that has come on very very suddenly and very painfully. Try as I may, I have been unable to distract myself from it. I can't touch it but it itches. It hurts and I have a headache from it. I was desperate for a stomachache to take my mind off the other pain. That's why I wanted junk so badly, and lots of it. There's an addict for ya. There's total transparency and honesty for ya. 
I had some Greek yogurt and some grape nuts instead and have climbed in bed with my ice water beside me, crochet in my lap, and something on the tv to distract me until I fall asleep instead.

In defense of my former self

Dear Self;

You lived a life that many didn't see.  One that even you didn't fully come to terms with and allow yourself to see until you were almost 30.  It's time to let it all out and see that it is okay.  Everyone has baggage.  Everyone has skeletons in the closet.  Some have more than others.  That's okay.  It doesn't mean you were bad or deserved any less.  It doesn't meant that you had to learn lessons the hard way or that you were a tool being used by God to learn a lesson you could share with others.  You suffered the consequences of other's agency for many years and didn't realize that's all it was.  You took it out on God, not fully trusting Him, because you thought He was using you.  You were happy to submit to Him.  At least He loved you.  You wanted to do good and be good and so you willingly became His martyr, His victim, His tool to help others because you knew that you would share and be empathetic...because that's who you are.  This was the only reality you knew.  This was how you understood things and thus how you lived your life for decades.  You know what? It's okay.

You were molested.  More than once.  By different people.  They told you that 'you asked for it' and 'deserved it.'

You were forced to watch explicit pornography as a kindergartner by your friend's dad.  The same friend who you used to have sleepovers with and where you developed a nervousness for sleeping with the door closed and waiting for someone to come in.  The same one you would hide in the berry bush with.


You grieved the sudden loss of your grandma that you adored when you were in 6th grade.
You didn't understand how to process the pain.  You didn't want to be sad because you didn't want to make your mom sad and have her hurt more.
Two years later you grieved the sudden loss of a boy you had a crush on that lived near you and rode the bus with you.  You were confused why you hurt so much again.  You were tired of feeling like an inconvenience to those who were supposed to love you unconditionally and tired of feeling like something to be used by everyone else.  You took more pills than you were supposed to of a drug that you reacted badly to in a half-hearted attempt to end your life so you could be with your grandma in a happy place again.  Your friend, bless her heart, told on you and dragged you to the school psychologist...who told on you to your mom....who thankfully wasn't mad or even overly sad.
Two years later you grieved the loss of another schoolmate in an accident you saw from your house.

Two years later, you buried your mom a month after graduating high school.
You wondered what lesson it was that you were missing that you kept losing all these people in your life.

You were nearly raped.  You still aren't sure how you got out of that, only that you remember the boy's friend watching and laughing and the boy saying "this is what you came here for anyway isn't it?" and you thought it was punishment for lying to your parents about where you were going.  You thought maybe this was just how boys showed they like you and maybe you should just learn to like it.  Except that other boy standing there laughing was a big red flag and you somehow came to your senses and got out.

You spent many years having dreams that haunted you and made you feel dirty and guilty.  They were out of your control but they controlled how you felt. It wasn't until your late teens that you recognized it was a replaying of those scenes you saw as a kindergartner.  It wasn't until your late 20s that you understood it wasn't your fault.

After your mom died, you had night terrors where you dreamed you or some other family member killed her.  Your brother accused you of causing her brain aneurysm because the day before you had pulled her over in a low-lying lawnchair as part of a family joke and she hit her head.  You wondered if he was right.  You wondered if other people thought the same.  Even after 2 neurologists told you it was a ticking time bomb and your actions wouldn't have set it off any sooner.  You wondered if she 'left' because you told her in the hospital that day (not that you even know if she could hear you) that you understood she missed her mom and you would take care of things on this end so she could go and that you'd understand and it would be okay. Would she have stayed if you had been more willing to fight?

Your dad didn't talk to you for years because he was upset that you said he didn't love you in an upset middle-schooler fight.  He thought you owed him an apology for your disrespect.  You thought he was just confirming your accusations and should try to make you feel loved.  You were a middle-schooler after all.

The boys in 5th grade made fun of you during the pledge of allegiance, saying you were grabbing yourself because you were already developing.

The boys in 8th grade cat-called you if you ever wore a skirt or low-cut shirt.  It made you feel important.

The boys in high school apparently said you were an amazing kisser and talked about you.  So you found out later from a friend who had kissed you, and then told you that was why.

You caught your 2 best friends in high school trying on your (size 9) pants and dancing around laughing at your 'clown pants'.

You overheard your parents fighting about you being in summer school PE, which you thought was just so you would be able to take art class during the school year instead, and there being ice cream in the house.  You heard your dad liken you to a whale and say that the ice cream shouldn't be around.
In your anger and hurt, you called a friend and decided to try pot to see what all the fuss was about and to really piss him off like he had hurt you.  It was a one-day, one-experience kind of thing but the effect was that he again no longer spoke to you except during choir practice- because he was the choir director and you were the pianist....even though that was the only time he went to church, or at least anything more than the occasional Sacrament meeting.

In high school, you got a concussion so bad that you couldn't remember how to do simple math and couldn't read a page in a book without falling asleep.

You saw your best friend get attacked by a dog right next to you when you were 4 years old.  You felt bad that it was her and not you because you didn't want her to hurt like that.


People told you that you shouldn't be sad.  People told you that you were being a victim and should stop.  People told you that it was all your fault.  You didn't even know you were sad. You didn't even recognize the pattern of victimization.  You thought it was your fault.

It wasn't true.

Self, you were victimized.  You were used by others and not by God.  You had hard things in your life.  More than many can understand in such a short time.  It doesn't mean you were deserving of those things.  It doesn't make you special.  It means you were strong.  You survived.  You, and God, have turned these things for your good.

These things do not define you, and yet they are you.  Being a new and better person doesn't mean that you were a bad person before.  It doesn't invalidate or lessen the worth of your self at any given stage in your life.  You are simply at a different point in your life now.  You are here because of what you've been through but you might have been here even without them.  You might not be here without them.  You could be in a different place, a much worse place, because of all this.  You needn't feel bad.  You are strong.  You are a survivor.  You have hurt and you have tried to take care of yourself and you have tried to protect yourself...all the best you could and the best you knew how with what you had at the time.  You really did try your best with what you had and what you understood and where you were in your life.

I know, because I am you.
And it's okay.

Don't worry about what other's judgments have been or what they may be.  Don't worry about those who've been unkind.  Don't wish these things on them either.  Don't think you willingly took these things upon yourself so that you would learn or so that you would get others to feel sorry for you in an attempt to feel loved.  No, that's not the way.  You've let it go and given it over.  You are a new person but loving yourself now doesn't mean not loving yourself then.  There is someone who gets that, and in the end He is all that matters.

Love,
Me.

90 Day Results

I finished ChaLean Extreme and I won the challenge group I had been participating in that just ended (I'm in another one now and doing Les Mills Combat).

My results?  Not a lot of weight lost.  A lot of inches shed.  17+ in fact.  Dropped about 5% body fat as well.

More than that?  The confidence that comes from sticking to something through the end.  The ability to see a new me in the future again.  A belief in self.  No more inflammation.  Improved allergies and reflux.  Glowing skin.  Stronger hair and nails.  I think I might be able to beat someone at arm wrestling.  A great group of wonderful, supportive women who don't judge me because they realize we are all on the same journey in one way or another.  Better habits.  WAY fewer cravings that have made it easier to make good choices and conquer an addiction because my agency is being restored and I have the support I need- emotionally and physically.  A sense of purpose and a feeling of gratitude for a way that this weakness and challenge in my life can be turned for the better.  Joy from helping others make changes as well and motivation from them as they become my supporters too.

of life and death and things in between

Do you remember the 'oh bla dee' show?  That's what my brother and I always called it anyway.  I think it was officially called 'Life Goes On'.  Anywho...I supposed it could sum up life around here.

Sunday was the anniversary of my mom's passing.  14 years ago.  It is generally a huge trigger for me so I made the commitment in my group beforehand that I would not eat after 8 (since that is usually mindless, emotional eating) nor would I have any ice cream (my major comfort food- largely because I associate it with memories of my mom) for the week.  Lemme tell you.... it was HARD.  I did, however, discover that cups of crushed ice are a glorious substitution and will do quite well to satisfy.  I found myself thinking about my mom a lot this year.  Maybe it is the journey I am on.  Maybe it is the nearing her age, sort of.  Maybe it is my children being the age my siblings were when she died.  I really don't know.  Maybe it is that one of her best friends from her childhood passed away recently and I've been talking with her daughter that is my age. Amazing how those feelings and memories can so quickly be recalled if you choose.  The passing of time does not remove the ability to empathize with a heartache so deep.  Being that the 4th of July holiday is so close to her death, I find that it brings up a lot of emotions for me as well.  I survived it all though and didn't use food to cope.  I had a very nice experience at the cemetery.  It was a perfectly beautiful and humid day.  It was humid the day we buried her.  It had rained in the days before.  It had started raining the day she died- continued until the morning of the funeral, as though the world wept with me.  It wasn't busy there and the grass seemed greener than usual.  Someone had left bright flowers.  Silk flowers, but those last longer.  I have a sneaking suspicion it was my Grandma Douglas.  For 14 years I have visited my mother's grave.  For 14 years I have always found new flowers there, never looking wilted or sun-faded.  It's such a comfort.  I suspect my Grandma is the one to do it because many many years ago she once commented about going regularly...she was apologizing to me for there not being pretty flowers on my mom's grave when an upcoming holiday had just passed (maybe her birthday or something) and she was worried I went to visit and there wasn't anything.  I had no clue before that.  They weren't even super close or anything, but it is such an incredibly loving thing to me that small act of service.  This Sunday I found myself comforted by comments from others who told me how much that day stayed in their minds, how much they missed my mom still, how much they loved her still.  It's strange that I would find comfort in that but it felt good knowing that others were as impacted as I.  I said a prayer as I left the cemetery and was overcome.  I had a special experience unlike any before and I was so grateful for that special blessing.

So what's weird is that I did really well all last week leading up to Sunday.  I have been wiped out since.  I guess it's a little like I didn't realize how mentally or emotionally draining the experiencing of the hard moments and making good food choices in a major trigger time would be....and I didn't even realize it until after the fact when it all sort of crashed down.  I wasn't prepared for that.  Yesterday wasn't a particularly great day.  There are a lot of things going on this week and rather than face and deal with them, I absorbed myself in work and didn't eat and then was tempted to gorge later.  Thankfully I filled myself up with healthy foods when I did finally eat.  I came to all this realization at the end of the day and determined today would be a much better one.

I was awoken today by a text from a ward member/neighbor/friend.  Another neighbor/friend/ward member had lost her son to suicide.  I am in the Primary Presidency and this woman is one of the most amazing primary teachers.  She is my son's teacher in fact and her daughter is one of my kids' friends.  My heart broke into a million pieces thinking of her and of her children who would have to figure out how to process their brother taking his own life and that missing part of their family.  Then I pulled up the news on my computer to find that the fire that has been raging in the the mountains outside the valley had gotten even closer to our family cabin.  My heart sunk a little more.  Here I had determined that today would be a better day and I was feeling dragged down and down.  I grabbed a couple of Pizza Hut chicken wings out of the fridge that DH had brought home yesterday.  Okay, I ate 3.  I knew the things I should do but I really did not want to do any of them.  At all.  All desire and life was sucked out of me.  I walked down and gave her a hug because it was all I could think to do.  I still didn't feel like doing anything.  I'm happy to report that I finally did get out of that funk thanks to some support from my group and some tender mercies from the Lord.  What a difference that can make!

There is still so much going on and so much to share but it has gotten late and I truly need to sleep.

the truth of the matter.

Please be patient with me as I try to work through some feelings I am having.  You know when you can feel something gnawing at you and you know it has something to do with your foul mood, but you don't know what that is precisely?  I have some ideas of mine (that have to do with things other than the kids fighting all day or the lack of sleep last night because of kids waking me up etc) but I need to write to sort it out.

First, I think it's okay to not feel perfect or perfectly okay with things all the time.  I think it's important to be honest about your feelings.  This is something I have felt strongly about all my life.  Maybe because I didn't get enough validation of my feelings and I was seeking it?  I don't know.  I do know that I have found myself greatly blessed at times because of my willingness to not always paint a perfect picture of my life.  There is good and there is bad and I'm willing to bet your life is that way too.  Being realistic doesn't make me pessimistic.  On the contrary, I've felt quite content and happy and just plain 'good' for the last while.  Does that mean there haven't been the moments of struggle amidst those?  Absolutely not.  But really, I've been good and I've felt uplifted and empowered and like I have really just been doing the absolutely very best I can with what I can.  So I guess when I was excited about having lost a couple pounds after a couple of weeks of gaining little bits (which is expected when you're putting on muscle and hard even when you're losing inches), I felt a bit defensive when someone else's response was "I've noticed your attitude was a lot better this last week as well."  Okayyyyy.  First, this implied to me that my attitude had not been good previously, something that I felt quite differently about.  Second, it implied that my lack of weight loss was attributed to a bad attitude.  What if my bad attitude was because of a lack of weight loss?  Or what if I was having a hard time because I wasn't sleeping well and there are countless studies about that making it harder to lose weight and then what if I finally had a week of good sleep, in which I of course then felt better?  What am I to do?  This statement made has really bothered me.  I realize this means I probably need to confront the person who said it.  I'm not really sure how to go about doing that.

Along the same lines... One of the things I love about Beachbody is the fact that they do emphasize a lot of personal development.  They really push that for you to be successful in your change for a healthier lifestyle you need to have a full-bodied approach to it and work to change the inside as well.  I think this is fantastic.  My trouble lies in my religious beliefs and experiences.  There is a lot of push for reading personal development books.  What are your thoughts on this?  By personal development books I think of the ones like "7 Habits... " etc.  I feel like if I am going to be focusing on personal development I need to be doing so through the scriptures and through church-provided ARP resources.  I feel like there's an easy in for Satan through that channel and that I've encountered a lot of people who heavily promote those kind of books but then are so ego-centric.  I need humility to change....but my humility also tells me I need help and is the help in those books??  I know I am in a vulnerable place and I don't want to get caught up in pushes for 'this effective habit' or 'that method of success' that will detract from the need to focus on my Savior as my source of strength and change...because I know that is so easy to do and I know that it would detract me even from focusing inwardly on myself even though that sounds contradictory to what a self-help book would do.  Does that make any sense?  Like I would find myself focusing on following some outlined steps or habits and living up to some worldly set standard rather than listening for personal revelation and simply reading church materials.  I know there is a quote about reading the Book of Mormon being the best way for an individual to change.  Then I think, am I just resisting this because it is different for me and the addict in me doesn't want me to change?  I guess I feel confused and so alone in this thought process about it.  And pressured to feel differently, which leaves me even more confused.  At the same time,  I know that as a wife dealing with my husband's addiction and with trying to understand my relationship in it, there were books that helped me tremendously and that I would not have been able to reach my state of healing without.  With the exception of Healing the Shame that Binds You (which was recommended to me by my therapist as a means of understanding my husband but which I highly recommend to anyone), they were all books that dealt specifically with pornography addiction or some facet of that.  They were much more specific.  They weren't about how to be successful or purposeful or whatnot.

What else?

I feel like I have something very special and specific to give but I don't know what it is.  I don't know if I'm missing it, distracted by other things, or if it just isn't my time.  I have thoughts about things I should or need to write about and then I don't because I don't take the time or I let myself get distracted by other things.  That or I question if it 'fits' (which is silly since I'm still not sure whether I should write more of my experience recovering from food addiction or as the wife of a recovered sex addict or if I should not worry about distinguishing between the two, in which case there is no need to determine if it 'fits').  I am so inspired by some of the other blogs or articles I read or I sometimes read some and think just how very much I can relate because I was there and am so grateful to not be there...and I want so desperately to provide those people with some real hope.  I want to be an instrument in the Lord's hands but I don't know how or if it just isn't the right time.  I pray about it and get no real answer.  Maybe I'm praying about the wrong thing.  Maybe I'm not being patient enough.  I know that I have been given some very special counsel in the past that told me I would be a light in the darkness for many and that I needn't worry about what should be said at the time because it would come to me.... I want so badly to fulfill that (I felt so fulfilled in that respect as a sponsor and when I was facilitating the PASG meetings) because I want to please my Heavenly Father and because I know how 'right' it feels for me.  I hope that this blog does that somewhat for even a few out there.  I know that it has seen an incredible number of visitors (over 1000 hits in less than a month) but I don't know much about many of you and how I can help you because I don't hear from many.  I want to help.  If you don't feel comfortable leaving a comment or if you have a question or a post suggestion that you'd rather not leave in a comment I beg you to email me at halabilly {at} gmail {dot} com.  I don't say any of this because I seek the praises of the world.  I have to catch myself to make sure that isn't where my motivation is.  I just feel desperately like I have something to give or some mission I can fulfill that I am just falling short of recognizing or realizing and I need that.  For me.

There is more.... it has to do with how triggered I am feeling right now, how I am struggling with the stresses of summer on my marriage, how I just ate a bag of cookies without realizing it- even if they were 'clean' ones I made from scratch myself, how things are good and not all at once, how I miss my mom, how the kids really drove me crazy today and I felt like I went back in time to about 3 years ago---which then makes me a little crazy because sometimes those things are also symptoms of some behind-the-scenes-not-so-good-behavior going on...which then can trigger you to be crazy and feel like you need to check and recheck and question trust....or they can just be symptoms of the fact that you're human and living a life....and the questioning of it all makes you a little crazy in itself and leaves you a little wondering if it's really going to always be this way even though you know that in a moment of sanity you feel like it's maybe not and that if it is you at least have a good relationship with your Savior to keep you grounded and rooted.......

summa-summa-summa-summatime

Dang, I feel like it's been forever since I blogged.  Having the kids home from school just plain throws all schedules crazy.  Prior to that, I had a cah-ray-zay week preparing for my great-grandma's 100th birthday party.  I had some stuff thrown on me last minute that required a whole lot more time than I think anyone even still realizes and I still needed to attempt to keep my house in order for company coming.  That was a sort of up and down week as I did catch myself falling into old behaviors of hyperfocusing and not eating.  However, I am proud to report that I caught on to that and forced myself to eat regularly and to devote time to self-care and exercise before it got too out of hand.  I was a bit disappointed in how far it went but I reminded myself that this is a journey and I am still progressing toward perfection, toward making my stumbling blocks my strengths.  Having my accountability group most definitely kept me from falling down into that spiral of starving/binging or stress eating because I had somewhere I needed to report to each night and real people to whom I was committed to being accountable to.

So that was a couple of weeks ago.  I took a day at the beginning of last week to recover from it all and then I set to having summer with my children.  I found myself actively engaging in their lives and being present in the moments.  In summers past we would have an outing once a week and that would generally be my limit for all the effort it took or because I just didn't want to be in public.  I don't know if it is that they are older or if it is the change in me, or if it was just a fluke week.... But we literally went somewhere every single day and it was my idea. We had a grand time visiting the park, the library, a warehouse sale, going out to lunch, spending the afternoon at the waterpark, going to the farmer's market, shopping and more.  Every night was one of those nights where I felt 'done' but in a glorious way.  I had decided I was going to really give my efforts an extra push in my workouts and my eating.  I did it and it felt good to stick to that.  I'm sure eating all that healthy food helped my energy and moods also.  Still, I felt like I was different.

I do need to report something big.  Remember when I said I would make it up that hill on my bike by the end of the summer?  I did it!  On Saturday.  DH had said a few weeks earlier "I don't see why you can't get up it now. I bet you could if you really tried."  It was enough to get me thinking.  I didn't make it up the hills on the triathlon in one fell swoop.  Most of the ladies' took a breather here and there.  So who was to say I couldn't get to the top if I just took some time along the way to catch my breath?  So that's precisely what I did.  I'll have to blog about that separately just because it was it's own accomplishment and boy did I have Satan putting those thoughts in my head.  Nevertheless, I made it!

So, guess what that means?  It means I took the plunge and I registered for IronGirl. Oh man, I got such crazy jitters and nerves for it that I had to distract myself right away.  I'm scared and nervous and excited all at once.  The best part though was when I told DH what I had done.  His face lit up just the way that it did watching our children take their first steps.  I wish I'd had a camera ready to capture that look because I'm convinced it will get me through any difficulty in training or in completing the race come race day.  I can do hard things....but it is the support of others, including my Heavenly Father, that gives me that ability.  There was another reason to me signing up for IronGirl on Monday.  It was the day after Father's Day.  For me, that means it was the anniversary of D-Day (discovery of my husband's addiction & when I asked him to leave) in our household.  I've had a lot of projects lately that have required going back through old photos or our 'history' and I've realized how much of my personal spiral of weight and whatnot really was tied to that D-Day and the time since.  It has been 3 years since that day.  So much has happened in that time.  I felt like I wanted to mark the day differently and mark it as my own rebirth somehow now, because it was what I needed.  I thought about how I feel jealous of the commitment of new moms to immediately get their pre-baby bodies back.  How 'if only' I'd done this sooner I wouldn't have been like this for so long.  How I've had it in me all along.  And yet, I know that I needed that time to get to this point.  Some people have big a-ha moments that solidify their testimonies.  For me, I have always received revelation and had my testimony built up line upon line and through small confirming signs that just sort of all add up for me.  I've always been that way.  When I prayed about whether marrying DH was the right thing for me to do, I didn't get some 'yes' answer.... I got several smaller answers that added up to a confirmed 'yes'.  It must be how I learn.  That is why I have to be easy on myself for allowing myself to be fat so long, for allowing myself to listen to others' voices instead of my own, for letting the negativity in, for feeling defeatist.  I can see now that I needed to take that journey deep into the dark abyss to get to the heart of it all, to be broken to the core, to feel myself being rebuilt to be stronger, only to then have the imperfect parts chipped away.  I know that it is a slow process and how quickly the last 3 years have passed when it seemed they never would helps me be more patient with myself.  It feels merciful.  I started multiple times in the last 3 years to lose the weight or to change my habits or to make myself better.  I am better in many ways.  However, the major change in my addictive behaviors requires a lot more effort and attention than I would have had the energy for in that time. I needed the life experiences to teach me things and show me my own strength and character along the way.  

Of course after making a major commitment and feeling like I'd reached a new and positive step in my journey, I would have to face a setback.  That's the way it goes right?  No sooner had I taken the photos below than I suddenly found myself stuck on my living room floor.  Turns out I pulled a muscle in my back, maybe two.  So this week has been far different from last.  My sweet children have been wonderful and largely cared for themselves.  My older children have been taking care of giving the youngest his breathing treatments since he has been sick.  They've brought me food in bed, get well cards, and not destroyed the house while I slept away the days.  Even just half a muscle relaxer completely knocks me out.  I finally got to do a little workout again today.  I wasn't sure if it would be okay or not but I could feel that pull.... that 'ease' of lying around....that little wagging finger of the dark side saying 'it's ok...just come hang out here for a while'.  So far, I'm still mobile (wasn't there for awhile).  It can be so depressing to have your body take such a far step backward but I'm confident that as the injury heals I will be able to give it my all again and the strength will quickly return.  That's how life is isn't it?

I'm pretty sure I was going to write more or I was going to go back and reread this to make sure it all flowed correctly.  At this point I'm just going to post it and be done with it.  I keep getting interrupted and I have children calling my name to make dinner.  So I suppose if it sounds a little strange I can just blame it on that, or on the pain pills that may still be in my system.  ;)  Hope you are all doing fabulously!  

taking things to a new level

Now on Instagram.  Hoping it'll make it easier to do quick lil updates of the motivational thoughts and ideas I see as well as recipes and my progress etc etc.  You get the idea.  Be back to update later when I have more time for the computer.  For now.....

@just4thehealthofit

Image Copyright Hobbyholica 2013

scratch that

There's a reason you should generally weigh at consistently the same time and on the same day of the week.  Your body just fluctuates so much.  Monday is my normal day for that so I decided to go ahead just in case it was better than yesterday.  It was.  I did gain .4 lbs this week but that's not bad, especially since I lost 5.25" this week.  Seriously.  Can you believe it?  That's actually my biggest loss of inches in a single week yet.
So overall I'm at having gotten rid of 4.2 pounds and 13.25 inches since starting the challenge group on April 29th.  That I can live with.

I did my first day of the Push Circuit for ChaLean Extreme today.  LOVED it!  I nearly cried a couple of times and I said a lot of bad words in my head.  I think I yelled a couple of times too.  But taking those stats and pictures that made me cry yesterday lit a fire under me and I was determined to really push myself during this Push phase of the program.  So I did.  My muscles were tired and felt shaky afterward but I felt amazing.  Seriously.  Like a total high.  Better than any food is going to get me.  Also, I felt incredibly strong because I was lifting weights as heavy as Chalene Johnson or her sister Jenelle Summers- fitness professionals.  Maybe they don't really lift that.  Maybe they do it in the video to make you feel better.  If that's the case it worked. ;)  I did a strength training class in college and today I was doing bicep curls at the same weight I recall doing them back then.  I should find that paper I had where I recorded all that.  There is a mental power to feeling physically strong... especially when you feel like people look at you and see someone who is weak.  Do you do that when you see someone who is overweight?  You don't know what's really in there.



Also, just an FYI-  Beachbody is having a killer sale this week only.  I'm thinking I might just load up on a few things.  I know some people who really love TurboFire and the Energy & Endurance that are half off.

And a final note.... I remembered that summer is upon us.  How could I forget right? Well, I remembered that summer is typically a very difficult time in our household.  My husband's line of work means that summer is pretty stressful and that tends to spill over at home.  He was better about it last year.  We did, however, receive some news that means this year will be particularly stressful at work.  It is a trigger for him and it is a trigger for me.  Sometimes we feel like we need to celebrate come September just having survived a summer together.  Sometimes I feel like moving away for just the summer.  It is also when the big bam 'D-Day' occurred 3 years ago.  3 years? Really?  Has it been that long?  I'll have to double-check that, but, yes, I do believe so.  Even still.  It got me to thinking that I am glad that I know I have a support network and some plans in place that will help me get through the summer.  I'm glad that I have a place to stay accountable when I am tempted by stress eating.  I am glad that I honestly don't even feel those cravings as bad anymore and that I can tell there is a deeper, more lasting, change going on within me.  I don't have to dread this summer.  I have something to look forward to.

30day progress report

Feeling pretty conflicted today. This is the 30 day progress I promised. I have SO far to go that it is discouraging. I remind myself that a number on a scale is just a number and doesn't define me. Still I feel so disheartened to only lose a couple of pounds. Yet, I am down 11 inches and 2.5% body fat using the caliper method- putting me in the average range, despite how I look. I know my fitness has improved, I can feel it when I lift heavier weights and when I run up the stairs without losing my breath or am able to push myself harder running on the treadmill. I know my energy has improved and my mind just feels so much more clear. My habits are changing as are my thoughts & attitudes toward things. I see definition that doesn't come across well in the pics and that makes me happy. Still.... That darn scale. It just leaves me depressed. Why am I posting this? Because I committed to doing so and because I know it will keep me accountable. I don't do it to fish for validation or feedback to make me feel better. I do it because I know I need to to keep myself going, to rid myself of my own self shame, and because I'm sure that out there somewhere is someone a lot like me.  I don't intend to make any excuses for myself.  It was a rough week.  I was sick or something- still trying to figure that out- and so I didn't workout half the week or eat anything but carbs and my Shakeology because my stomach just couldn't do it.  I only felt good when I had my shake so I'm so glad that I did.  Who knows how that affected things today but I didn't want to use that as an excuse.  I know I've lost more weight than that but I typically weigh on a different day and I have a feeling I've gained this week and am seeing the sad effects of that.  I am more than a number.  Still, I need that number to change so much more than it has.  I won't quit.  I can't quit..... because I told myself that I would see this all the way through the 90 days and trust the process.  I've made myself accountable to anyone reading this (which must be someone given the amount of hits this blog is getting without comments).  So I'll just keep keepin' on......

celebrate you

NSV.  It's a non-scale victory.  It's an opportunity to celebrate yourself because you should be celebrating something about yourself each and every day.  Find something about yourself to celebrate every day as well as with each person in your family.  What if we did that and wrote that down?  I'll bet our lives would totally change.  Hmm...this is a brilliant idea of mine.  I think I might just do this.

Well, here is what went down today:
I finally got the call last Friday that my insurance settlement money was in.  The money from the car accident I was in a year and a half ago.  This thing has been a mess I tell you.  I have had the worst time with the case managers even though the lawyers themselves are great.  I have been anxious to just get it all done and over with just because of their horrible lack of communication and follow through.  Well, my case manager and I set up an appointment for me to come in and pick up the checks (multiple because I had children in the car with me who were seen on dr orders as well).  We set a very clear appointment for Tuesday because she says she will be out of the office all day on Monday and isn't sure what the attorney's schedule will be.
So.... I drive 40 minutes to this lawyer's office (getting my boys' chicken nuggets because I went straight from kinder pickup in order to be there before her lunch break as arranged) to find she is not there.  She is at lunch.  A lunch she wasn't supposed to take for another hour from the time I was there.  The receptionist explains that one of the lawyers had them switch lunch schedules for the day.  Well, that's all fine and good except she could have called me.  I'm not leaving though because I know that this will not be resolved otherwise.  I need this to just be done with.  She is calling and texting this lady to get her back in the office with no response.  Anyway, long story short.... I waited for an hour with my 6 and 5 year old boys and a couch and a tv playing ESPN.  Let me tell you how much fun that is.  It's not.  I was furious.  My husband was texting me saying that I should demand that they pay me the equivalent of that girl's hourly wage.  Right. Well, at first I was nice.  I was being all polite and professional and practicing my mean glare.  Beware the silent and angry woman.  Then I was all 'no...my time is valuable too and I will not be just walked over!'.  Thanks PASG for teaching me that lesson.  It was sort of like my own little victory to say that for myself.  I could feel tears just below the surface when my actual attorney appeared and immediately said "Have you really been here for an hour?".  I cry when I get mad. I hate it.  So I remained as calm as I could because I didn't want to cry but my voice cracked a bit when I said that 'yes, in fact I have and yes, I did have a very clear appointment (as did the other guy that had been there waiting for the same lady).'  I made sure to let them know that I was not happy and I deserved better.  I'm glad PASG taught me that lesson- It's okay to be mad and upset and to express those feelings.  You just have to be sure that you are responding or acting mindfully instead of merely reacting to something.  My hands were shaking because I was so mad.

So I'm mad but at least I finally get my settlement documents and checks and I can be done with all this.  I'm still shaking because I'm mad about all this when I leave.  I want desperately to stop at that McDonald's there and get a soft serve ice cream cone (I heard they're only 1 WW point after all so they must be good for you!) because surely I deserved it after dealing with all that crap.  My boys certainly did.  Or I wanted a cookie from somewhere.  I really deserved it when I had barely gone down the road and an idiot driver in the lane next to me seriously swerved for no apparent reason and very very nearly sideswiped me.  No joke, had I not had both hands on the wheel at the time I probably would've jerked my car too far out of the way and into the car on the other side of me or over-corrected right back into his.  My poor boys were all scared all over again.  Where was I?  Oh, right.  I deserved a treat for all this crappy afternoon I was having.  Guess what though?  I didn't.  First, all I could think about besides the fact that I had so much adrenaline coursing through my body now and that my hands were shaking and I was so mad at my utter waste of an afternoon (which, obviously, was not a total waste) was how badly I had to pee!  Seriously.  Thinking about that reminded me just how much water I'd been sipping at to keep myself occupied while waiting and just in general.  That reminded me about my workout that morning and my accountability/fitness group and how I'd committed to doing really well this week and being done with my spiral of a weekend.  So I drove the rest of the way home thinking about the healthy treats I was going to have when I got home because that was what I deserved.  I had some vegan brownies I made yesterday and some greek yogurt with some PB2+chocolate in it.  I felt much better.  As I sat there feeling better I wondered if it had to do with the food.  Like how an addict needs a fix and calms down when they get the fix.  This has always been a struggle for me.  I feel like there is a lot of wonderful literature out there about my husband's pornography addiction and how it works in terms of the brain processes and chemicals etc.  I know that a food addiction must work the same way but you can't simply cut that out in the same way you can pornography.  So what do you do?  I realized at that moment that it wasn't about the food then.  I felt better because I had taken control of something that I really did have control of.  I was upset about my lack of control in a situation where someone did not hold up to their end of an agreement, at my expense, and then about my lack of control in a situation that put my family's safety at risk.  Then there's that whole lack of control of whatever the heck is going on in my body and having any knowledge about it.  I've always tried to shut out those feelings with doing whatever with abandon, which usually meant some sort of binge or eating something that would make me feel bad so at least then I'd later have that feeling to focus on.  Obviously that doesn't work.  But today I felt better eating something...something good for me....because I had control over something that I could have control over.  Ohhhhhhhh.......

Hey big guy.... Thanks for answering that prayer to help me make good choices today. ;)

hooray for Monday

Aren't fresh starts great?  Didn't know you had so much to look forward to in a Monday?  I love em.  I was able to recommit today and it felt great.  I went to bed super duper late last night and that left me pretty tired today.  In fact, I felt myself falling asleep while driving between the library and my house.  The library is a whopping 4 miles away.  When I got home I didn't take a nap though.  I knew that if I did that I would likely sleep or lounge my day away and I had already made a promise to myself that was not going to happen.  So I decided to get my workout done instead.  Besides, when I was running a couple errands first I had been sitting in a waiting room where some morning show was on.  They were running a report about being sleep deprived (which I found rather amusing) and steps you can take to 'mask' it.  One part of it said that even though exercise may feel like the very last thing on earth you want to do, studies find that if you can get yourself to do even just 6 to 11 minutes of aerobic movement then it will make a significant difference.  What a perfect day to test that.  So I did my ChaLean Extreme Burn Circuit 2.  And it burned.  And by the time I was 6 to 11 minutes into it I forgot that I was even tired.  At the end, I was drenched in sweat and felt fantastic.  That was a good feeling.  I needed today to be a win and I made it one.

Also, I was thinking that I should share more of the recipes and foods that I am enjoying.  Tonight I made up something new.  I had gotten some premade pizza dough at Trader Joe's and had this idea for a yummy pizza.  The top one is their garlic & herb dough.  I drizzled a little olive oil on it and then I topped it with their artichoke antipasto.  Then I topped it with an Italian cheese blend.  That's it.  So easy.  Sooooooo good.  The other pizza was with their whole wheat dough.  I made a homemade pizza sauce (couple little cans of tomato sauce, half a little can of tomato paste for thickness, fresh basil, fresh garlic, oregano, parsley, and minced onion flakes) and I topped it with the same Italian cheese blend and turkey pepperoni and sausage crumbles.  The family loved it and it was so filling!  My husband could barely eat two slices.  I was full after just one.

facing the music

::sigh::  I really did not want to step on the scale or grab the measuring tape this morning.  I knew it would mean having to face the weekend's damage.  I feel icky and bloated and crampy.  Sorry if that's too much detail for y'all.  I have a few days yet though before I get to just have that part happen, dealt with, and over.  Can't believe I can't wait.  In the meantime, life keeps happening and I have to fight the spiral to not throw in the towel for the week and undo all the work I've done thus far.  I think that's what's happened before.  It needs to happen no longer.  I've been thinking of some coping strategies.  Number one, I decided that maybe I need to allow myself extra focus on self-care knowing that it is a difficult and triggering time of the month.  Maybe that will give me extra strength and an extra outlet for triggering feelings.  So, the laundry piles might just stay on the couch today and I might just stay in my craft room instead.  I also need to make absolutely certain that I do not miss a single workout because I know how much that helps.  I might even add in additional workouts.  I have to commit to logging all of my food and being super accountable for the week.  I have to recognize that I am having a hard time, feeling triggered, and talk about it.  I did that last night with DH and it was good.  I was feeling triggered on both ends- as the wife of an addict and as an addict myself- so it was good to have a little conversation about what was causing it.  So maybe I can be done with it all.  I will beat myself this week.  I am glad it is Monday.  I may have gained just over a pound this week.  I still lost an inch.  Small victories.

a realization

I've noticed a theme among the last few days.  That's the good thing about writing things down.  I've been triggered by stressors (I hadn't yet mentioned either that DH had also just received an iPhone from work, and been told an iPad was come- even if he has been clean 2 1/2 years that can still raise concerns), worried about medical stuff, and feeling tired because I haven't slept well.  These have all added up to feeling oh so very tempted and worn down.  Today it was still the same.  I just wanted to take a break from being mindful and start over tomorrow.  Even if I know there is that quote about how every second is a chance to start anew and we needn't put it off.  I am looking forward to starting fresh on Monday.  I am not looking forward to the fact that Monday is when we weigh in and take our measurements in the challenge group.

Then another thought occurred to me.  There is something more going on.  It is just about that time of the month.  It is the time before the time that is always very hard.  Where I feel tired, emotional, and want a lot of bad foods.  Realizing that much is empowering.  At least it is recognizing a pattern.  I read a blog tonight that mentioned how patterns are gifts from God.  They are teaching tools.  I'm not entirely sure what to do with the knowledge, but I have faith that I will figure it out.  Maybe the answers from the dr visits will actually help that.  I know it didn't used to be this difficult.  Maybe hormone levels have something to do with it.  I know that was suggested with DH and his addiction.  I know that white-knuckling it through pms doesn't work. Maybe that's what I started out trying to do and why I feel so tired and worn down now.  What I do know is that seeing a pattern helps me realize that I am not the problem.  It gives me hope that I am not doomed to just be like this- doing well for so long and then being seemingly smacked with a slip up and temptations galore that seem out of nowhere.  I don't feel so tempted to throw in the towel knowing that there are others in the group who have been struggling with the same feeling, even people who are having unbelievable success, and realizing that I am not flawed.  I realize these are thoughts of an addict- thinking that somehow I am an exception to the miracles of the Atonement and the ability to change.  So now I guess the next step is figuring how a plan of attack, a way to success (that doesn't involve white knuckles) knowing the pattern before me.

not perfect at all

Today. Well. I didn't want to post about today. Which told me I probably should. Which led me to remember that quote about how when it is hardest to pray is when you need to pray hardest. Something like that. 

The boys at my house were all at a campout last night. Being that I have 3 boys and 1 girl, that is no small thing. She had been counting down the days and had determined we would shop while they were gone. Well, I inadvertently slept in (which was glorious) and when I woke up this morning she was fully dressed to her shoes and ready to go. I gave her several choices and she chose the swap meet. Since it is outdoors and since it is Vegas, that meant we needed to go pronto. No workout first thing in the am for me. I had a quick breakfast of granola (should've had my shake but wanted to save it for after my workout). A tiny whisper of a voice told me I should but I ignored it because I surely knew better. 

We ended up being gone the bulk of the day, my legs are still tired from all the walking we did. We had a rather late lunch of cafe rio salad and then by the time we got home the boys were home. It was our family's turn to clean our church with a few other families so I was home not even 30 minutes before we left to do that. 

It was after 5 when we finally left the church building. I had my ultrasounds scheduled at 6 and one was the super fun kind where you get to drink 48oz of water an hr before the test but don't you dare go to the bathroom. Lemme tell you.... Super fun when you've had 4 kids. SO glad I didn't have a pregnant belly to add to that too! 

So I went to this appointment (scheduled on a Sat because they said I had to since the dr order was marked 'at risk') feeling pretty tired and worn down from the day. I got anxious walking in but quickly pushed that aside and distracted myself while waiting with Pinterest on my phone.  I get my ultrasounds and it's all really rather uncomfortable- in fact it is downright painful at one point. I wish the tech would turn the screen so I can see but I don't speak up. I don't ask the questions I want to because I'm afraid they either won't tell me or they will and I won't like the answer. So what do I do? I sneak a peek at the thumbnail captured images when they leave me in the room to change afterward. What I see frightens me. Sure does look a lot like my son's abnormal kidney. Only I know it isn't a kidney. 'I shouldn't jump to conclusions' I tell myself. 'I am not a doctor' I remind myself.  'The fact that it was so painful doesn't have to mean anything' I reassure myself.  In any case, my husband is texting me about date night and that he finally got a babysitter so I should meet him at the movie theater. I grab a protein box from the Starbucks in the same parking lot as the medical place because I haven't had dinner and he has. I don't have time to think about this anymore.... I have places to be and things to do. So now I'm going to go distract myself with a movie. 

So this is where it went down I think. I tried to slip a hint of how I was feeling to DH by saying when I saw him "I snuck a look and it looked like K's kidney." No real reaction. And anyway, a movie theater isn't really the place for that kind of conversation. Know what I did instead? I got an ice cream Snickers bar from the concession stand. All ridiculously overpriced $3.50 of it. I had time to think about it. I told DH I wanted it and he said "Am I supposed to talk you out of it or support you by saying ok because I don't know what I'm supposed to do."  So I just got it. I really wanted it. They always make me feel better. And I just didn't want to think about it, or anything, anymore. I'm not going to lie, it was really good. I also had (non-buttered) popcorn but it wasn't as good.

It wasn't until driving home that I finally decompressed and started actually thinking. I could've hopped on fb to my accountability group and reached out that I was having a hard time and feeling tempted. I didn't want to and I didn't. What made this time different? I had the thought while driving. Just as we need to pray hardest when it is hardest, so it is with reaching out. I didn't want to reach out because that would require some sort of explanation why. Not really, but it's that way in my head at least. That meant I needed to face with and feel my feelings. I don't want to do that tonight. I don't want to say that it hurt or that I'm afraid or that I'm sad that I don't have my mom to talk to about womanly things. I don't want to admit that I worry about the worst because I've had such toxic people in my life for so long who have been very critical of me and my health (healthy or not) and my tendency to prepare for the worst just in case. It's just that the worst becomes such a real possibility when your mom dies suddenly from a health condition she didn't know about when you were only 17, and she only 38. I thought as I drove that I should've said a prayer and told my Heavenly Father how I was feeling. Even just a silent one. Just to 'get it out' so I wouldn't feel so tempted to stuff it. Having that thought, of what I should do and that it was okay to feel those things and tell Him as much, while driving felt like my own little bit of grace. I'm still sad. I'm still scared. I'm still nervous. But I'm trying, I'm really really trying, to be ok with that and to ALLOW myself to feel that fully. To be okay with allowing myself that. If it all turns out nothing then I don't need to feel stupid or embarrassed for putting this out there and feeling those things. Right? I mean, it's okay that this is my reality and I shouldn't be worrying about those toxic voices of "you're being a hypochondriac" or "I'm sure it's not a big deal" or "there's no point in worrying" because hearing those voices really probably is just messing me up more. Those people with those voices are mostly out of my life now. So why do I still let them talk to me as though they matter?  Why do I struggle so much to let them go when the further I get in my recovery the more clear their damage becomes?  Maybe it's that they are the ones who were always there for me. Or at least who I thought were. So the thought of something happening that would leave me 'needing' them leaves me anxious that I will just be all alone? Except DH. There is always him. He has never been toxic, even in his addiction. I know I've always got him. Oh, and there's that other guy. The one I should have talked to first. 

2 wk progress

I am totally embarrassed about this photo.  However, I committed to transparency and honesty and accountability.  I was having the whole debate tonight with the temptation to do some quick fix.  I have these pills near my nightstand for one 'cleanse' or 'accelerator' or another.  They were tempting me.  It's not even like I haven't been seeing good weight loss and measurement results either.  There is no reason for that temptation other than the damage done by past extreme dieting and the lure of trying to look better for upcoming family events and pictures...and the thought of being around people who have been known to openly critique my looks in the past.  I'm not going to cave though.  Having these thoughts doesn't mean I don't like me and don't like me now.  So I thought I would take a picture.  I have been drinking Shakeology for 2 weeks now.  I have been in this challenge & accountability group for about 2 1/2 wks now.  I have done ChaLean Extreme for 2 weeks now.  Well...technically Saturday would be 2 weeks since I started on a Saturday, but tomorrow is my rest day and Sat would technically be my start of week 3 so.....
I know 2 weeks is hardly time to see any real change.  However, I do think I see (and feel) some and I wanted to see if it was all in my head.  I hope not.  Not that that is my motivator.  Still.  I'm human.  I look at this and do the mental math imagery of what may actually be possible in the 10 more weeks to come.  This change repeating 5 more times.  Plus, I know that time is going to pass by so quickly.  Sometimes I look at these awesome transformation pictures, especially of those doing the same program as I and I feel so motivated, hopeful, and encouraged.  Then in the next split second that little voice in my head says "well, that was them.  I can't possibly have something similar."  As if I am defective or undeserving.  That Satan...he's a tricky one....
I will post 30 day progress pictures as that's pretty Beachbody standard.  2 weeks is not. Sooooo.....here goes.... please be nice.....

I promise I did not shrink in height.  DH is fired for not being consistent in where he takes the pictures from.  I  couldn't remember which shirt I was wearing or which way I was facing.
p.s. In case you are curious what ChaLean is, HERE is a preview.