the truth of the matter.

Please be patient with me as I try to work through some feelings I am having.  You know when you can feel something gnawing at you and you know it has something to do with your foul mood, but you don't know what that is precisely?  I have some ideas of mine (that have to do with things other than the kids fighting all day or the lack of sleep last night because of kids waking me up etc) but I need to write to sort it out.

First, I think it's okay to not feel perfect or perfectly okay with things all the time.  I think it's important to be honest about your feelings.  This is something I have felt strongly about all my life.  Maybe because I didn't get enough validation of my feelings and I was seeking it?  I don't know.  I do know that I have found myself greatly blessed at times because of my willingness to not always paint a perfect picture of my life.  There is good and there is bad and I'm willing to bet your life is that way too.  Being realistic doesn't make me pessimistic.  On the contrary, I've felt quite content and happy and just plain 'good' for the last while.  Does that mean there haven't been the moments of struggle amidst those?  Absolutely not.  But really, I've been good and I've felt uplifted and empowered and like I have really just been doing the absolutely very best I can with what I can.  So I guess when I was excited about having lost a couple pounds after a couple of weeks of gaining little bits (which is expected when you're putting on muscle and hard even when you're losing inches), I felt a bit defensive when someone else's response was "I've noticed your attitude was a lot better this last week as well."  Okayyyyy.  First, this implied to me that my attitude had not been good previously, something that I felt quite differently about.  Second, it implied that my lack of weight loss was attributed to a bad attitude.  What if my bad attitude was because of a lack of weight loss?  Or what if I was having a hard time because I wasn't sleeping well and there are countless studies about that making it harder to lose weight and then what if I finally had a week of good sleep, in which I of course then felt better?  What am I to do?  This statement made has really bothered me.  I realize this means I probably need to confront the person who said it.  I'm not really sure how to go about doing that.

Along the same lines... One of the things I love about Beachbody is the fact that they do emphasize a lot of personal development.  They really push that for you to be successful in your change for a healthier lifestyle you need to have a full-bodied approach to it and work to change the inside as well.  I think this is fantastic.  My trouble lies in my religious beliefs and experiences.  There is a lot of push for reading personal development books.  What are your thoughts on this?  By personal development books I think of the ones like "7 Habits... " etc.  I feel like if I am going to be focusing on personal development I need to be doing so through the scriptures and through church-provided ARP resources.  I feel like there's an easy in for Satan through that channel and that I've encountered a lot of people who heavily promote those kind of books but then are so ego-centric.  I need humility to change....but my humility also tells me I need help and is the help in those books??  I know I am in a vulnerable place and I don't want to get caught up in pushes for 'this effective habit' or 'that method of success' that will detract from the need to focus on my Savior as my source of strength and change...because I know that is so easy to do and I know that it would detract me even from focusing inwardly on myself even though that sounds contradictory to what a self-help book would do.  Does that make any sense?  Like I would find myself focusing on following some outlined steps or habits and living up to some worldly set standard rather than listening for personal revelation and simply reading church materials.  I know there is a quote about reading the Book of Mormon being the best way for an individual to change.  Then I think, am I just resisting this because it is different for me and the addict in me doesn't want me to change?  I guess I feel confused and so alone in this thought process about it.  And pressured to feel differently, which leaves me even more confused.  At the same time,  I know that as a wife dealing with my husband's addiction and with trying to understand my relationship in it, there were books that helped me tremendously and that I would not have been able to reach my state of healing without.  With the exception of Healing the Shame that Binds You (which was recommended to me by my therapist as a means of understanding my husband but which I highly recommend to anyone), they were all books that dealt specifically with pornography addiction or some facet of that.  They were much more specific.  They weren't about how to be successful or purposeful or whatnot.

What else?

I feel like I have something very special and specific to give but I don't know what it is.  I don't know if I'm missing it, distracted by other things, or if it just isn't my time.  I have thoughts about things I should or need to write about and then I don't because I don't take the time or I let myself get distracted by other things.  That or I question if it 'fits' (which is silly since I'm still not sure whether I should write more of my experience recovering from food addiction or as the wife of a recovered sex addict or if I should not worry about distinguishing between the two, in which case there is no need to determine if it 'fits').  I am so inspired by some of the other blogs or articles I read or I sometimes read some and think just how very much I can relate because I was there and am so grateful to not be there...and I want so desperately to provide those people with some real hope.  I want to be an instrument in the Lord's hands but I don't know how or if it just isn't the right time.  I pray about it and get no real answer.  Maybe I'm praying about the wrong thing.  Maybe I'm not being patient enough.  I know that I have been given some very special counsel in the past that told me I would be a light in the darkness for many and that I needn't worry about what should be said at the time because it would come to me.... I want so badly to fulfill that (I felt so fulfilled in that respect as a sponsor and when I was facilitating the PASG meetings) because I want to please my Heavenly Father and because I know how 'right' it feels for me.  I hope that this blog does that somewhat for even a few out there.  I know that it has seen an incredible number of visitors (over 1000 hits in less than a month) but I don't know much about many of you and how I can help you because I don't hear from many.  I want to help.  If you don't feel comfortable leaving a comment or if you have a question or a post suggestion that you'd rather not leave in a comment I beg you to email me at halabilly {at} gmail {dot} com.  I don't say any of this because I seek the praises of the world.  I have to catch myself to make sure that isn't where my motivation is.  I just feel desperately like I have something to give or some mission I can fulfill that I am just falling short of recognizing or realizing and I need that.  For me.

There is more.... it has to do with how triggered I am feeling right now, how I am struggling with the stresses of summer on my marriage, how I just ate a bag of cookies without realizing it- even if they were 'clean' ones I made from scratch myself, how things are good and not all at once, how I miss my mom, how the kids really drove me crazy today and I felt like I went back in time to about 3 years ago---which then makes me a little crazy because sometimes those things are also symptoms of some behind-the-scenes-not-so-good-behavior going on...which then can trigger you to be crazy and feel like you need to check and recheck and question trust....or they can just be symptoms of the fact that you're human and living a life....and the questioning of it all makes you a little crazy in itself and leaves you a little wondering if it's really going to always be this way even though you know that in a moment of sanity you feel like it's maybe not and that if it is you at least have a good relationship with your Savior to keep you grounded and rooted.......