the whys and hows

Why am I doing this?
I was thinking about that yesterday as I was lying around with a stomach bug.  Getting sick with something is one of my biggest derailers from a program of any type because I feel like it just throws me off my game.  I lay around being lazy, and loving being lazy, and start to wonder why I ever bother with doing any different.  Terrible, I know.  Consistency has never been a strong point of mine and that is where it really gets me.  I'm working on that though.

• I am doing this because grasping at straws is better than not grasping at all.
• I am doing this because it is working.
• I am working the program because the program works, because I have seen real change with my very own eyes, and because I see results quickly even in myself.
• I am choosing my life, not letting my life happen to me. 
• I feel good when I eat well, when I exercise, when I read my scriptures daily, when I pray daily, and when I attend the temple regularly.
• I know all those things and have experienced their trans-formative effect and yet I still need to be reminded of it from time to time.  All I can figure is that it's a byproduct of being human.  
• I want to help people.  I feel at my best and most fulfilled when I do.  I believe people are often put in the paths of others to help them, to be someone else's answer to a prayer.  I've had so many be that for me that I can only hope I can be that for even just one other person so that I can pay it forward..... even if these things are sometimes hard to share.
• I am doing this because I love myself, not because I hate who I am.  You don't have to dislike yourself to want to be the best version of you.  
• I want to be prepared for anything that life may throw at me.  I want to know that I have done all I can to prepare my body physically and nutritiously as well as my mind/spirit emotionally and spiritually for anything that may come in life.  If I am better prepared myself then I will not only be able to weather whatever life may bring, but I will be better equipped to help those around me, including my children.  
• I am doing this because it feels like it fits best with my personal and religious beliefs about health... slow and steady, line upon line, creates lasting and real change.  Part of my test on earth is mastery of my body that was given to me as a gift from my Heavenly Father. Moderation in all things is so very important.  Balance in all areas of life is also.  Accountability keeps us focused.  There is so much in the world to distract us from what is important and Satan is out to take the things that he most desires because he cannot have- bodies and families.  
• I want to instill good habits in my children at a young age so that they have the tools and are better equipped so that they are less likely to face these same struggles when they are adults themselves.  They already make great choices, love healthy things and exercise, and are pretty balanced kids...but there is always opportunity for teaching and improvement and for leading by example.

I really missed my regular foods and routine yesterday.  Thankfully my Shakeology settled in my system just fine or I would have been sorely missing out on any nutrients at all.  It was hard though to not get any sort of exercise. It wasn't at all that I felt guilty not doing it or that I had to.  It was just that I missed it and I was sad that my body was making it very clear that it was going to have none of it.  Thank goodness today is much better and I was able to enjoy my Burn Intervals, even getting a second wind halfway through it.  That does have to be about the fastest I have ever bounced back from food poisoning.

I'm not trying to be 'salesy' or anything... just sharing what I have seen and experienced.  I have read a lot of testimonials, even from people I personally know from my real life (don't you sometimes feel like testimonials are from 'fake' people?) about how these groups have changed their lives, how Shakeology has taken away migraines or improved ADD or inflammatory diseases (such as RA and fibromyalgia) or taken them off antidepressants entirely.  I have read much about the health benefits of various foods and believe in the power of using good food and herbs to heal and strengthen our bodies.  I was shocked when actually looking at Beachbody programs to discover how many of them were ones that friends had raved about for years and loved doing.  I never had any clue these had all been from the same company.  I knew about P90X and Insanity being 'related'.  I did not know it was also the same company behind Slim in 6 (there were a lot of Nutrisystem people doing that as their workout regime), Yoga Booty Ballet, Brazil Butt Lift, Les Mills Body Pump, Rockin Body, Turbo Jam, Turbo Fire, and more.  Did you?? Seriously, if I had known that sooner I really probably would have jumped on their products a lot sooner.  Truthfully, knowing how great the fitness programs are makes me feel a lot more confident in their other lines of products (like the Shakeology and other vitamins and skin care).  

I will say, Shakeology and the other programs are expensive.  I am a total frugal shopper.  I have even taught couponing classes for years.  I love yard sales and thrift stores.  So dropping $120 for a meal replacement shake?  I don't care if it works out to $4 a meal, that's still a lot in my book.  I have really good health insurance coverage so I wasn't going to factor in the savings in medical bills that would come from improved health or fewer medications.  I did look at it this way in the end.... a month of Nutrisystem (which I'm most inclined to compare against because of my previous success with it) is roughly $280- there's a lot of options for programs but that's about the average price.  That covers most all your meals (you do need to add in some of your own food), but in the end having all your meals prepared for you doesn't force you to make those hard daily choices of choosing and preparing good foods for yourself.  It is still too convenience based to be a full lifestyle change in the long run.  That's honestly a hard thing for me to accept.  The only other program I know to be as successful (that doesn't involve some VLCD) is Weight Watchers and that is about $30/month plus there's usually a signup fee.  Then you'll have your regular food and gym membership on top of that.  Weight Watchers I believe is successful because of the support system involved in it and its encouragement of balance and realism in your diet.  Around here, a gym membership that has any kind of childcare is about $30-$40 at minimum per month.  Sometimes you have to pay an additional $2 per kid for 2 hours of care.  We won't talk about the worrying about germs there or the child care being full or your older kids being 'too old' for it but too young to work out in the actual gym without you there by their side- leaving you to not be able to do everything you want to do because they still can only use certain areas.  Not that I've encountered this before.....Where was I?  Oh... so I kind of just figured out that it was cheaper than NS, a little more than WW but with the same benefits (because in a challenge group you've got what you'd get at a WW meeting) plus the addition of having one meal replaced during the day and health benefits of some awesome superfoods that would also take care of a lot of the nutrients your body needs.  Then as far as the exercise regime goes.... well, the Beachbody programs really vary in price a lot (we're talking from $40 to $150) but a lot of them are 60-90 day programs with the variety you need to keep you from getting bored or your body from plateauing.  Compare that to the cost of the gym membership..... To me, it really does seem cheaper, especially since I do get a decent coach discount.  I have never been a fan of workout videos, or of tripping over my children while trying to do them, but I have loved every one of these that I have tried and I'm finding I really can do them at home whether my kids are around or not.  The fact that the Shakeology has genuinely been the best tasting meal replacement of any type (except maybe those NS chocolates, those were pretty darn good), has really been a happy surprise for me.

Anyway, we all have our different whys and hows of doing things.  I think it is important to consider those and to frequently reconsider them.  I always wonder how often other people think about those things or how much is just the way my brain seems to be wired to consider human behavior.  If you're going to make a change in your life, of any kind, you need to have a reason.  You need to write that reason down to make it more concrete.  If you are going to make a big change, I think you need support and the more support the better.  Change starts with a decision for something different.  It doesn't come all at once.  Sometimes it is painfully slow and gradual.  Sometimes you don't see it at first.  It frequently requires sacrifice and a breaking of your heart so that it can repair and be soft and malleable to fit the better you.  Growing pains have always hurt.  But don't they make you stand a little taller?  If you think you'd like to join a fitness challenge group and have some accountability and support, I would be happy to help you.  There is another one starting June 3 like the one I'm doing now.  If you'd like support or help of any kind, please feel free to send me a message or comment.  

2012.

We began 2012 with a notice on our door.

You see, we loved our house and our ward and our incredible neighbors.  We had prayed about being in this home and felt strongly it was where we would and should raise our children. We went through many obstacles and struggles in an attempt to keep it our home after some unexpected financial situations arose.  We were able to get a loan modification that helped us greatly.  We felt grateful and blessed.  However, when the final papers came in that would make it all legal and official, the payment amounts were hundreds of dollars more than what we’d been paying and what we’d been told would be our new ‘official’ payment.  As we struggled with what to do we took a hard look at our desire to live honestly in all our dealings.  We admitted to ourselves, and our bank, that we could no longer afford to live in our home that we so loved.  So we stopped the payments and we put it up for sale, hoping to find a buyer who would rent it back to us, allowing us to stay there as we dreamed.  We found a buyer and rejoiced.  We were saved!  Our prayers were answered! The notice came anyway.  The bank would not consider our short sale and an auction date had been set.  We were heartbroken.  Isn’t this where the Lord had told us we should raise our family?  We maintained we would keep a positive attitude.  After all, we’d had a rough couple of years as a family and were anxious to have a fresh start.  We’d already made some positive changes in our home, maybe a physical change was the next step in starting over?  That didn't change the ache of leaving our neighbors of 4 years, our children’s best friends, or the daunting feeling of moving right after Christmas.

So two weeks later another notice arrived.  I won’t ever forget that day.  It was just after K’s birthday- he had his annual well-check that day.  I saw the notice as I left that morning.  The house had been sold at auction.  We were to call the number listed to find out what to do.  This was really happening.  I was told by realtor friends that we would have 30 days to move out.  That would give us time to find a new place (we were already looking on the sly, trying not to clue the children in until we knew what was going on) and to pack up.  So DH called the number listed while I took both of the Ks to K’s appointment.  After the appointment I went to drive by some homes that a friend had told me about for rent.  I spoke with DH in between- we had two weeks to be out of our house.  He’d tried to bargain with them but it was to no avail.  Even with young children at home.  Two weeks to find a place to live, pack up, and be moved out!  So I’m on my way to look at this house for rent when I get rear-ended.  Talk about a crappy day.  The Ks are completely freaked out, but thankfully fine.  I’m grateful it wasn’t my fault.  As I’m walking around my suburban, that was hit by a giant truck so now I’m can’t open my back doors at all, I realize I’m super nauseous and dizzy.  As someone who’s already had 4 concussions, I know what that means.  Not to mention the whiplash.  Super.  Just what I need.  So now I have 2 weeks to pack and move into a house that I have yet to find, with a busted vehicle, concussion, and bad back.  I seriously couldn’t get out of bed the next day.  I truly had to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Otherwise I was afraid I wouldn’t stop crying.  Well, I felt very strongly that we needed to go ahead with touring the home we’d planned to that night even though I’d only gotten out of the ER an hour or so before.  At this point we finally had to tell the kids what was going on.  I was up front and honest with the homeowners about what was going on with our current home, and about the accident I’d just been in since moving around was a bit difficult.  We had looked at some 20+ homes already.  When we walked into that house that night, we knew.  That is how we ended up in the house we are now renting.  My heart was full as friends and family helped pack and move us.  I cried about not having best friends next door.  People who had truly been angels and saviors in our lives.  I cried to withdraw my students from a great school.  I cried to leave the ward that I had grown up in as a youth myself.  I cried to leave our bishop, who had become our counselor, friend, confidant- and who was a major part of saving our marriage.  I was anxious for a fresh, new, start.  I was also terrified.

Then we went to church that first Sunday in our new ward and I knew all would be well.  I was greeted by many who made me feel right at home.  The landlords had told us that it was a great, friendly ward with a lot of kids the same age as ours- that was a big draw.  What they couldn’t have known was that there were friends of my mom’s from each home I’d lived in who were in this ward.

The school situation was an adjustment.   No surprise, P slid right in and made a new friend right away.  She did have some trouble with bullying by some girls who kicked her out of their group when she stood up to them for intentionally messing up the chalk drawings done by other students.  I was sad for her to learn that lesson but so very proud of her for standing up for what was right.  Little did I know what a lesson she was teaching me at that time.  She didn’t let it get to her too much and in no time had made more friends and felt right at home.  W had a harder time.  His new teacher was a very difficult one and not a good fit for him.  We had been incredibly blessed with his last one and I would have driven him there daily if only they had allowed me.  I did try but they wouldn’t consider it because of overcrowding.  He was having frequent migraines and his reading level was dropping.  I fought my way all the way to our assistant superintendent but to no avail.  I kept W involved because I wanted him to know I was concerned for him and would do all I could to help him, but that I also needed him to do his best in class as well.  After speaking with his pediatrician and with a good friend who lobbies for the school district, we decided that pulling him out of school for the remainder of the year would be better than his staying in with frequent stress and migraines.  I told him this and that I would be willing to homeschool him.  It was a hard decision on all our parts but I feel like he just needed to see that I was willing to do that for him.  His confidence seemed to improve after that and he made some friends in his new scout group.  He figured out his teacher a little better and how to not take her so personally, and he decided to go ahead and stick out the year in school.  I finally got them to listen to me about his abilities (and the fact that he was not reading at a first grade level like his teacher was trying to tell me, but rather a fifth grade one) and he was able to test for GATE and get started right away.  All these things helped him remember what a great student he was and he finished out the year beautifully.  K2 had to switch his speech therapy teachers as well but we could immediately tell what a blessing that would be as his new teacher has been fantastic for him and he made immediate strides.

As a family, we all felt overwhelmed by the love and welcoming arms of our new ward family.  Treats arrived welcoming us.  Parents quickly helped figure out what kids were the same age so friends could be made.  There is a park next door to our school, which we can easily walk to and from each day, and we soon found ourselves right at home with the others as we stayed after school to play and visit awhile.  What a blessing!

It’s funny how you can feel so blessed and yet have such a hard time all the same.  It was a few months after our move that I started really missing people.  I hadn’t seem my family for a while so I missed them.  I’d tried to arrange for us to get together over an overlapping spring break weekend halfway between our homes, but they cancelled.  I still talked to and occasionally saw my former neighbor, but it just wasn’t the same as having her right next door where we’d chat outside nearly every day.  K2 had had MRSA so we had either been stuck at home for a couple of weeks or at dr appt after appt trying to get the poor sore cleaned out without doing actual surgery.  I’d gotten out of the house finally for a book club craft night, only to find myself feeling incredibly uncomfortable with conversation going on.  Not wanting to make a scene but also desperately wanting now to be home, I quietly left.  I felt worn down, and so alone.  I remember how alone I felt but I also remember how much I felt my Savior there beside me, supporting me, and praising me….and how close I felt to my husband as I knew that we were going through hard things but doing so together and as very best friends who had been greatly strengthened and brought nearer to each other and to our Savior together.  I had been serving as a women’s support group facilitator for a group with the church’s addiction recovery program.  It had been a tremendous blessing and life support for me….but I had to stop going at this same time and turn the role over to another because of a new calling I had received in the ward.  I felt so blessed to see the journey I (we) had made over the last year or two and where we were now.  I felt so blessed to have this fresh start before us but it overwhelmed me all the same.  It was an adjustment.  It was a change.  Change can be, and often is, good.  Change is also hard.

When we looked forward to our move with a hope of fresh starts, we had no idea what we were really getting in to.  After my feelings of exhaustion and loneliness, I made a bit of a vent on facebook.  It was nothing more than a vent but some took it to heart and found offense where none was intended.  Before I knew it, I found one of my very best friends from my youth sending me hurtful and painful emails detailing everything wrong with me, and taking a stab at literally every aspect of my life.  I had made the hard decision to say something about something that was bothering me.  I thought I had clarified it in a way that would make it clear that I meant no personal attack, but merely a stating of a decision I had made and a desire for everyone to be better- figuring we could all agree on that even if we respectfully held different opinions on other things.  I have always figured friends could agree to disagree and still respect and love one another.  However, I could no longer ignore that voice in my head constantly saying “Dare to stand alone” or “stand in holy places“.  I found myself being reminded of my sweet daughter who said to her new friends, “I don’t think that’s a good idea” and holding her head high after they said she couldn’t be in their club any more.  I thought of the primary children I had just been called to teach about choosing the right.  I thought of the pain I had endured and the questions I had faced, soul searching I had done, as my marriage hung on a thread while Satan had ever so slyly weaseled his way into our home.  I didn’t want that for any of my friends, and I certainly didn’t want that again for myself or my family.  So it was that I said what I would and would not allow in my home or in my life.  So it was that I suddenly found myself in one of the hardest situations of my life.  So it was that I lost my entire social circle in seemingly one fell swoop.  I never thought I would have to be in that sort of a situation as an adult.  I certainly never thought that it would go the way that it would.  We so often think that we will be blessed right away for “standing for truth and righteousness” and for choosing the better part.  Losing my best friend, losing my book club, losing my girls’ night outs….certainly didn’t feel like a blessing.  I was sad and angry and hurt for a long time.  At some point I realized that I was grieving like the loss of a loved one who has left this life.  I prayed for help and direction and for the negative feelings to be taken away.  I didn’t want it to be as hard as it was.  I didn’t understand why it was as hard as it was when I had done something right.  As I prayed, the only response I would get would be an overwhelming assurance that I did the right thing and that it would be ok.  Satan is tricky though and that feeling wouldn’t stay for long.  I don’t recall how long it was but eventually the feelings faded and I found my courage, and myself, again.

It started when my visiting teacher showed up on my doorstep.  She had come to bring me a treat and to apologize for not being a ‘better visiting teacher’ because she hadn’t really come yet to visit and bring a message.  I don’t know what came over me but I was feeling especially honest and had just been praying about how I’d felt about this lost friendship.  I suddenly just spilled my guts to this poor visiting teacher.  I just told her what I needed.  I shared with her what had just happened with my social life and that I didn’t really need someone to come by and bring me a spiritual message out of a sense of duty.  I said, quite frankly, I just need a friend.  You know what?  She was an answer to my prayers that night.  She then told me about a playgroup and a book club and just sort of about the social life of the women in the ward.  She made an effort to make sure I knew about those things I could be involved in and she did it out of love.  What a blessing!  So I found myself back in a book club (I’ve still been in my mom’s old book club, which is a total blast, but scheduling has made it hard to attend often this past year), and back to hanging out at the park with moms while the kids played and just plain feeling right at home again.  I knew that was my Heavenly Father’s little way of letting me know that He hadn’t forgotten me and hadn’t left me in just the company of my husband and family (which are fantastic, don’t get me wrong).

That was the spring/summer.  I had many other instances over the summer where I found myself overwhelmed by love and support from sources other than those I would have expected it from.  I found them as blessings after having again to stand up for myself or my family when it was hard.  I have been open and honest with my children as we have gone through various situations and I am amazed at their maturity and ability to empathize.  We have grown even closer as a family.  We are so blessed!

Now as the year has drawn to a close, I have reflected much on where the year has taken us.  I have absolutely loved my calling at church, one I was really hesitant about at first, and I have made great friendships as a result of it.  I get to work with some of the best people and I have the example and strength of the children to lift me up.  I am deeply in love with and proud of my husband.  And I mean that.  I have seen the work of the Atonement through him and I have seen how our natures really can be changed by applying it and by hard work on our part. That is my hope for myself in 2013.  W has been blessed with the most amazing teacher for him and has just completely blossomed.  I’ve even been impressed and surprised.  I never thought he would come out of his shell as much as he has- especially with the parents he has!   P has made some really great friends, without having to sacrifice any of who she is.  Our new home has a separate room in the garage that has become DH’s woodshop.  He has ‘found’ himself there and uncovered a talent and hobby that took off largely because of some people in our new ward.  I am convinced that he would not be where he is today were it not for that little room of his and the support and encouragement of people who like his stuff.

If you’ve made it this far, I’m pretty impressed.  I’m almost done, I promise.  

I just have to share what happened a few weeks ago.

Some time between my birthday and the middle of December I started feeling sad again.  I wasn’t really sure why.  Was it that I was missing my mom?  I always do this time of year, but that wasn’t quite it.  Was something ‘off’ at home?  No, not really.  I was feeling quite content in my life of crafting and mothering and I wasn’t having any of those ‘I’ve got to get out for a girls’ night!’ feelings.  No, I really had nothing to feel particularly bleh about.  I talked with DH and then a couple of things occurred to me.  I’d been struggling with again allowing those negative thoughts of hurt and sadness about what happened earlier in the year.  Thoughts of this friend kept coming to mind.  Not that I was wishing anything bad on her or anything like that.  Nothing of the sort in fact.  Just general thoughts that then brought back that sadness and sort of those grief feelings I guess.  Then DH reminded me how much we would often do together this time of year.  Isn’t it funny how once you pinpoint the source of a negative feeling you can feel such a burden lifted?  Well, that’s how I felt so I knew that was it.  On top of that, there was the usual stress of finances around the holidays.  I had been applying for jobs here and there for months.  I wanted badly to pay off all our debts as a surprise gift to DH for Christmas.  This was a sincere desire of my heart, to be debt free and to contribute to some extra for the kids to actually participate in extracurricular activities and just to have some extra money.  I knew that I would be blessed with this because it was the sincere desire of my heart but I also knew that I desperately wanted to be home with my children and have truly been loving my role at home.  So I’ve been so torn about this.

Anyway, I’ll be honest with you….I’m not particularly good at consistent prayer.  Never have been.  I can testify to you up and down about the power of prayer and I have had some very powerful experiences with it.  But for whatever reason, I just suck at consistent personal prayer.  So once again I was on the bandwagon and feeling very grateful and humble.  I hopped back on the wagon for no reasons other than the fact that I knew this was something I needed in my life. I was seeing a difference in my life with daily personal prayer and my life without it.  I knew I needed it.  I am sure that many can relate with the financial struggles of our day. I looked at the math and, I don’t know about you but, we are truly getting poorer year by year.  Utility costs and grocery costs rise while our income stays the same.  That simply doesn’t add up.  I continue to cut corners wherever possible and I know I don’t always make the best of choices or I know some would say to give up date night (which is a whole different argument) or other things we enjoy.  Anyway, I will spare you all the philosophical thoughts on all this and get to this….

Remember that car accident that was a part of starting the year?  It totaled our car.  On the advice of people whose opinions we greatly trusted, I got a lawyer to handle all the insurance stuff.  I have prayed all year long for that case to just be done and over with so that I would know where we stood financially.  I’ve never been through this sort of thing before.  I have prayed all year for extra ways to earn extra money to make ends meet or for a little extra something.  A few weeks ago, as I was considering my reasons for feeling ‘off’ personally, I thought about Christmas and how I’d hoped to have the case settled by then to make Christmas extra special.  I thought about wanting to get things for the kids and make it the best Christmas ever because I was so proud of how they’d handled the year.  But I knew we weren’t in a position financially to do a whole lot.  So I was a little sad about that, but still very grateful, and I told my Heavenly Father that.

What happened in the next week was overwhelming.  We were invited to participate in a craft show.  I set a goal in my head of what we needed to earn from it to fully pay for everything I wanted to get for Christmas.  I had already been selling and buying things through a fb garage sale group and largely had it done but wanted a couple bigger things and something extra special for DH.  I knew that I wasn’t going to get anything because DH would be too stressed about money to spend any on me- and that was okay.  But I wanted to show my appreciation and gratitude to him and my kids.  I wanted them to feel as blessed as I did.  So this craft show…. We worked tirelessly and were blown away at the response.  What a great thing to work so hard and reap the benefits!  We felt so very blessed!  In that same week I finally got a call from a lawyer that there was an offer on the table from the insurance company in my case.  It would be enough to pay off our debt, or at least close to it.  It wouldn’t be in time for Christmas (in fact, I’m told it’s probably still a month or two out) but just knowing there was that light ahead… To top it all off, a friend contacted me out of the blue to tell me he wanted to give me a gift.  He is a photographer whom I have long admired.  I still don’t know or understand his reasoning for approaching me with such a wonderful gift, but he told me to choose an image of his for him to make me.  Just because.  I cried tears of gratitude.  I didn’t tell my children what happened because I wanted their dad to be able to give me the picture as a gift from Santa (because that’s truly what it felt like)….but W and P said something to me out of the blue later that day.  It seems that they too had been thinking about the year drawing to a close.  “Ever since we moved here magical things just keep happening.”  That is what they said.  What prompted it was laughing at the money found under my doormat after someone had picked up another item I’d sold on the garage sale group.  They were joking that the money magically appeared.  What they didn’t know was just how onto something they really were.  So we talked about it.  We remembered how hard the start of the year was.  We thought about how we all thought it was going to be a terrible and difficult year because of how those first couple of weeks went.  We thought about the hard decisions we had to make throughout the year and the blessings we received for choosing the right.  We felt humbled.  And grateful.  We talked about all the ‘magic’ we have seen since being here and we recognized that magic for what it is….miracles from our Heavenly Father…blessings….tender mercies.  And we were overwhelmed- P,  W and I- as we thought just how very much our Heavenly Father loves us to send us these things to let us know He loves us and is proud of us and wants us to be happy and feel at home.  From the answer to a prayer to the random act of kindness… from the offer of friendship to the cookies on the doorstep…. from the incredible teachers at school and church to the kids who just ‘click’ together…. from the reliable babysitter you can trust to leave your kids with overnight to the family in the ward who offers to take them overnight when they’ve only known you a few months….from the presidency members who steal you in the middle of the night for ice cream on an otherwise blah birthday to the random paper birthday balloons taped on your door in the morning…. from the etsy store and fb orders to the garage sale sales…. from the box of school supplies and wishes for a good year to the giant stuffed whale ‘just because’ left on the doorstep… from the following a prompting to the answering a call…. I don’t know who all of you are that have blessed our lives but I wish to thank you each and every one.  Some are angels I know by name but feel nonetheless overwhelmed with gratitude for them.  Some of you are still in secret but you know who you are.  I need you all to know that I am grateful for you.  I need you to know that you have been answers to prayers.  I need to thank you for being the magic in my children’s lives.  I want everyone to know that you can feel the stress of the financial worries of the world or of your home or the stress of health issues or the stress of addiction or pornography or contention or other troubles in the home…..But you can still feel an abundance of love and of gratitude and blessings.  I am not really sure how much you can without the help of others who, probably unknowingly, act as God’s hands & angels on earth.  I want to thank those of you who have been that for us.  I need to say how very strongly I have felt blessed in the last few weeks and how very strongly I have felt those blessings as a result of my Heavenly Father wanting to acknowledge my good choices and patience (which, believe me, is not a strong suit of mine).  I don’t say any of this to be as though I am on some sort of high horse or tooting horn for when I have made good choices.  Quite the contrary.  I feel so far from ‘right’ and yet so richly blessed that it overwhelms me almost the point of confusion.  Who am I to deserve so much?  I am grateful to each of you who have made that possible.  I am so grateful to each person who is patient and loving with me in my own imperfection.  What a learning experience this life is!  I hope that I can continue to grow and change for the better in 2013 and that my life will continue to be as richly blessed…. I hope that you will get to feel that in your own life and that I can pay forward a little of what I have received.  I have so much to improve upon (a major thing being consistency) and I feel I have done so much wrong or less than what is expected, and yet I can be so blessed and grateful?  There really aren't words to adequately describe but I hope that you get to experience a little of it.  You’ll probably have to go through some tough stuff to get there, as I know we have, but I can promise you it is worth it.  It is a taste of Heaven and joy and any task or trial is worth that.

weighing the options.

I have options.

YMCA  $50/mo

Ideal Protein Diet

• $85/wk + vitamins
• expensive but effective fast
• possible allergies
• balance of prepared, convenient foods and personal planning of own meals
• support through weekly coaching

Weight Watchers

• $20-$30/mo
• online tracking without individual calories
• I know many who've had long long-term success with it
• emphasis on variety and moderation
• flexible
• on my own unless willing to add another meeting to my schedule

Bodybugg

• $180 up front for first 6mo then $30/mo or $10/mo if pay for a year in advance
• wearable armband gives real, accurate info as to calories burned throughout the day
• visual 'real' teaching of the 'science' of food and consumption
• track intake but easier to adjust to correct calories needed to consume because of the real info on calories expended
• need to always wear the armband

a look back on what my home life has been like.

This past year has been a rollercoaster year for me and I have found myself reflecting today and realizing some new things recently. If you read this, bear with me and please don't judge. I put my thoughts out there just to put them out there. Maybe someone needs to hear them.

2007 started off with K being born and having health issues. Despite my best efforts, I was plagued with fears for his health and well-being. I couldn't shake a feeling that he wouldn't make it and it left me in a deep darkness. I felt like I was pretty much just on autopilot but couldn't get out of it. I had received Priesthood blessings but none were of any comfort. I did, however, recognize it as a trial where I needed to learn to rely on my husband. Financially, we started off 2007 with all of our credit card debt paid off and only a small amount left on our auto loan. I had felt a strong prompting a few months prior to get it all paid off regardless of the sacrifice.

A few months into the year we found ourselves looking at new homes. It wasn't something we planned, though I had hoped to move before W started school. The first house we looked at was pure curiosity. Soon, as usual, I was obsessed with research. We looked at other homes ('just looking' we told ourselves), and kept finding ourselves being drawn back to this first house. There were just so many things about it that were so what we had hoped for when we eventually moved. I felt like I was in no emotional state still to make any major decisions, and so I left it to DH. I told him that he was the head of our family and that I trusted him to take it to the Lord and I would accept whatever answer he received. Well, the answer was that this house was the house and this time was the time...everything would work itself out. And so we invested money into our home to secure it's equity (so we thought) and found ourselves putting money on the credit cards again. We repainted the exterior, recarpeted, and installed a new air conditioner. We felt like it was the right thing to do and that it would pay off. For many months we tried selling our house on our own, holding open houses every weekend- not any easy task for me. As construction on our new home progressed and nothing happened with that house I felt very discouraged. I questioned DH's decision. I questioned my answer in following his. I felt that if we made every effort to make every sacrifice on our part and to do all those things that God asks us to do (the prayers, the scripture study etc) then He truly would bless us and that it would work out. I recognized that this was going to be a test of my faith but at the time had no idea just the extent of it. I went to the temple weekly.

It was during one time at the temple that I had a choice spiritual experience...actually it was really the result of two different visits. On one visit I was thinking about the sacrifices I, we, had made and the blessings we desired but seemed to not be receiving. I thought we were doing something wrong and that there must be something we were missing...that there was something more that my Heavenly Father desired of me. It occurred to me that there was one more sacrifice that I had not yet made and that was the most difficult sacrifice for me to make. I desired to show Him that I did have faith that He had told us what to do and that we had made the right decision. I wanted to show him that I trusted Him and would do whatever He asked of me, regardless of the cost. That's when I had that unmistakable feeling that there was another child who needed to come into our family at that time. Having K had been so difficult for me and had brought so many trials on top of the normal trial of being pregnant and having another baby. Truly the biggest sacrifice I could make would be to have another baby and to trust God that would work out. There were other choice experiences that occurred but I knew this was what needed to happen and I got the distinct impression that if I would do this then He would do His part. We made a pact.

So it wasn't long after that I found myself pregnant with K2 (who, by the way, I was certain was going to be a girl- another test of faith that I'm not going to go into right now). However, things were still not working out. We moved into our new house just a couple of weeks after I found out I was pregnant. We made more purchases on credit for the new house (appliances and the like) with the belief and understanding that things would work out as we had been promised. We typically got a sort of bonus at the end of the year from DH's job and we budgeted our purchases according to what we expected from that. We had initially hoped to make some money on the sale of our house but it was becoming more and more evident that was not going to happen. We moved into our new home the first week of October 2007. Our old house had been for sale since April 2007 with no offers. We had our realtor take over trying to sell it as it was now obvious that it was going to have to be a short sale. My nerves were a wreck as I felt out of control of our situation- moving into a new house without our old one sold and without a plan for how to take care of it. I could almost tangibly feel my faith faltering and asked DH for a Priesthood blessing. In it I was promised that I would "find joy" in my new ward. I loved the ward we had been in but I also knew very strongly right then that Heavenly Father knew me better and had a different thing in mind. He loved me and because He loved me He wanted me to not just be happy, but to be joyful, and He was telling me where I would find that joy... and that, if nothing else, that was the reason for the move.

November and December rolled around. I struggled with feeling forgotten by friends, family, and God. Things were not panning out as I had imagined. I couldn't imagine why God would want us to do things that would lead to debt when it was so contrary to what we are taught. And yet, I knew that we had made the right decision...that this was the house and that this was the time and that we weren't just being foolish when we got into debt again. I struggled even more when it was obvious DH couldn't work his second job anymore. We had tried not to plan on that income but we knew we would need it at least for a little while- if nothing else to pay those credit card bills. Joy was not exactly a part of my life. The one exception being the tremendous blessing that our neighbors (who moved in about 6 weeks after us) turned out to be. Come the end of the year I thought things would work out.  However, what he hadn't budgeted for was the economy.  We didn't get that bonus from work that I expected and instead we found ourselves with a compounding debt, minus an income, additional unexpected car costs, and no real hope.

So I'll fast forward a little bit. It's now August 2008. K2 was born relatively healthy despite the doctors beliefs that he would have more problems than he has. However, he has added another $400 to our monthly expenses (his special formula and diapers)....$400 we haven't had. Up until this past year I have always been the one to pay the bills around the house. However, I got the very strong impression that I needed to let DH pay them. Trying to make the money work when it wouldn't was very stressful for me. I was angry that we were in this situation and hurt and upset with God. Doing the bills each month only reminded me of our situation. I felt like He made me a promise and then I must have done something wrong and He changed His mind and was just leaving me to learn a long, hard lesson. I had got to the temple sometime after we had moved and was in a true state of despair. I had this thought come into my mind as clear as if it had been spoken in my ear "It is enough. You have done your part and it is acceptable. I will take care of the rest." Yet, I didn't see that happening at all. Turning the bills over to DH has been another exercise in trusting him. He's never had to do much bill-paying in his life and as a result is not in the habit of it. We have had countless late fees, disconnect fees, collection calls, etc. I don't say this to speak ill of my husband. I know that he is unaccustomed to it. All these things have been a big source of discontent in our home. Financial strains are huge strains on any marriage. I've asked myself, Why would God want us to go through all of this?  Until today I have asked that with a begrudging heart. I have been depressed that things have been so hard...so much harder than I expected or imagined. I have been frustrated at the struggle it has all been for me. I have been hurt that my faith and trust have felt shattered. However, all of a sudden I have recently started seeing the ways that God has been trying to find His way back into my life...back into showing me that He is still there and still aware of me and that He isn't mad at me or something.

For many months I had a thought in the back of my head that I should speak to a certain family member of mine and ask for help. I didn't want them to feel like I was taking advantage of them and I felt like we had put ourselves in this situation and that we needed to get ourselves out of it. After all, isn't that how Heavenly Father works? It wasn't until a recent Relief Society lesson that I had that thought come back into my mind. I believe the lesson was on receiving inspiration and that it is sometimes not anything like what we expect and so we argue or reason ourselves out of it.... And that as we refuse that answer we close ourselves off to the spirit and to any further inspiration. When that thought came to my mind during the lesson I knew then that I'd been getting an answer to my prayers but not been willing to hear it because I didn't see the reasoning, because it was hard, and because it wasn't at all what I expected. I summoned my courage and humility and called my family member. I had talked to her before about our financial problems but had never asked for help nor had she offered it. And yet, every time I had had that feeling, she had called me for no apparent reason- I just had chickened out on saying anything about my feeling every single time. So I talked to her about my feelings and asked for help though I explained that I didn't expect it but felt very strongly that I needed to at least have the experience of asking for it.  The conversation went much better than I expected. I knew she understood my situation because she's been here. I knew she felt my pain. I also knew that she couldn't help me because the economy has affected her as well. However, I felt much better at the end of our conversation and had my first glimmer of hope...simply because I had finally made that call I had thought of making nearly 6 months before.
Since that time I have still struggled a lot, but I have seen more. I had the prompting for several weeks that I should talk to the bishop. However, I couldn't figure out what for and so I didn't go. Remembering the experience with the family member I finally resolved that I would just go talk to him and maybe it would come to me. I literally sat down in his office and said "I don't know why I am here but I'm supposed to talk to you." Things then just sort of poured out. He didn't have any great inspiration or answers for me but I felt so much better afterwards. I actually feel hope now. This whole me going to work thing has bothered me. That's always been such a big deal for us, something we felt so strongly about- me staying home. I remembered something in my patriarchal blessing about being able to use my talents to provide means for my family and I thought perhaps this is the situation it refers to. I know we need more money and Billy hasn't argued with the idea of me going to work at night.... and yet it just hasn't settled with me and that has been a struggle for me. Talking to the bishop made me feel much better and reiterated my feelings, to my surprise, that there had to be another answer. He also reiterated another feeling that we need to be going on regular dates again, even though I hadn't brought that up. Every week. He was disappointed that we don't have family members who could (or would) really watch the kids every single week for a couple of hours for us to go out. However, he had some ideas for us and when I told DH about what he had said he seemed more inclined to make more of an effort to plan in advance for finding a sitter.

But I've gotten off track. What I realized today is this.... I should not be asking "Why would God want us to do this?" with a begruding heart when so many things seem to be so wrong and so off from what He would seem to want. I should be asking with an open mind into the lessons to be learned. I shouldn't worry so much about how it is going to work out and whether it will...but should worry more about what I can learn in the process. In the past month, we have had our water, power, phone, and gas shut off. A year ago we were debt free and setting money aside.  But I have learned more about emergency preparedness and about humility and the bigger blessings. I finally don't feel like we are being punished for small mistakes or for planning on money that then didn't come. I think this was part of the picture and I do have hope again, and more faith and knowledge, that it will work out. My brother recently asked me about faith and how much of it we just convince ourselves of.  With all the trials of my faith recently it has given me much to think about. My faith has typically come with taking a step with the hope that things will go a certain positive way to show that it was the right step. This has not been my experience and therein has lied the trial. But DH has never wavered. And I have never lost that conviction that this was the right move to make. If we hadn't paid off those debts we would not have had the excellent credit to qualify for this home when the other still hadn't sold and we would not have been able to move. If we had chosen any other house or moved here at a different time we would not have our neighbors that we have. I have felt angry at God for telling us to do something that would cause so much pain, suffering, struggles, tension, and that would put our marriage to such tests. But it occurs to me that I am not the first to feel this way. Surely the pioneers felt this way too as they crossed the plains, with faith in every footstep, suffering so much hardship and loss. I do not doubt that those parents who lost their children or the children who lost their parents or siblings questioned, even if for only a moment, why God would tell them to make such a leap of faith, promising that all would be well, and then seemingly punish them by causing so much pain and trial. I see now that as hard as it has been for me to keep going to church, I have been blessed with a lesson that touched my heart and gave me words I needed to hear (or comments by other sisters during the lesson) each and every time. When we went to the temple with my sister I sat in the Celestial Room and told DH "I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of the fighting, of the trying to be strong and faithful." His response? "That is why you come here, to rest." Why did that never occur to me before? Instead I have shied away from the place and things that once brought me such peace and comfort because it was there I received the promptings that then led to my pain. I'm not saying that I'm not still tired of it. I feel like I have been fighting to endure for most of my life. But I am feeling hopeful again and that is nice. It is such a wonderful blessing to be able to see the Lord's hand in your life and to recognize it. I still don't know how things will work out but they will. The bishop said to me "The Lord told you that things will work out and they will." It renewed my faith.

The house still hasn't sold. Oh, we've had offers...but the bank hasn't accepted them- or at least not in a timely enough manner. That's been another issue of concern for me. But DH also finally followed a prompting this week and spoke with a friend who is a real estate attorney. We learned that if you have homesteaded your property then if it sells as a short sale then you cannot be taxed on the difference between your loan amount and the sale amount (your debt forgiveness). We hadn't homesteaded yet so had one of those other offers gone through we would have had to pay that very large tax. Needless to say, it's taken care of now. There is another offer on the table and it will be interesting to see if they actually take this one and if it happens fast enough that the buyer doesn't go elsewhere.

So I'm still learning not to second guess myself so much. We've had to pay dearly for not managing the bills the right way, but I still feel strongly that I have done the right thing in giving them to my husband. He has a lesson he needs to learn and I have trust that I need to rebuild in him. This is our opportunity (plus, I've always felt like he needed to better learn how to run the household in case I wasn't around). I'm learning that sometimes it's just about an attitude adjustment. Heavenly Father wanted us to make these decisions and do these things so that we could learn certain lessons, have certain growing experiences, and maybe even because someone else needs something from our experience. I didn't make some royal screwup in the money department that I have to be punished for or pay the consequences of for a long time. I really feel like Heavenly Father is okay with what we have done and still approves of us. I think that is a feeling I have been lacking for a while and that I needed to get. I know that we have been affected severely by the economy as so many others have. I don't pretend that we are the only ones in a situation like this. I don't have a lot of hope for our economy turning around but I do have hope for our particular situation because I do realize that Heavenly Father really did make us a promise and He will stick to His word...even if it's not on my timetable and if I've done a lot of kicking and crying and whining like a baby. Growing pains hurt but evidently I had some faith that needed to be tested a new way and that needed to grow for some future trial. I'm so thankful that God hasn't given up on me. He's provided teachers who have been inspired to speak words I needed to hear or that I actually would hear. He's provided comments from others who listened to the prompting of the Holy Ghost to speak up during a lesson. He's surrounded me with people who love me for me and know me so well... who can see me at church and know what is going on and what to say or who can call me at just the right time and say the right things. He has given me a bishop who made me not feel bad for all the bad feelings I have had but who, instead, said 'it's okay' and 'it's not your fault' and 'you're not a bad person and neither is your husband' and 'I don't judge you' and who was saying what I truly felt like Heavenly Father was saying. He has been patient and loving with me and thank goodness for that! Don't get me wrong...I haven't been completely unhappy for the past year. I'm just saying that I have struggled and I am aware of how much I have whined. Some trials are harder than others and it has been a rollercoaster. I'm sure it will continue to be but I sure am glad to see a little more of the track now. I've spent a lot of time wondering if I have just 'convinced myself' of a lot of the decisions I have made in the past year or if I misinterpreted things. I can honestly say now that even if the path hasn't been the one I expected I was still led by the spirit. Sometimes we realize our testimony in the bearing of it. Sometimes we need to hear the spirit a different way or have it tested a different way in order for our testimony to rebuild itself. Heck, sometimes we have to fake it till we make it and then one day we wake up and realize that we've had it all along and just haven't realized it.