Saturday, December 10, 2011

the truth.

It's weird how when you feel like you should be writing in your journal but don't, out of sheer laziness, you start to feel like things are building up inside of you.  Nothing in particular- just things.  Now that I've seen the difference that regular journaling can make, I feel and notice a difference when I haven't been doing it.

I really am terrible with consistency and I want to be better about that.  But the only way to that is by being more consistent so.....

I think I'm in some sort of rut or something.  I think I'm trying to avoid something....something that's working its way out to be faced.  Perhaps it's simply that I know I have no one or nothing to blame for my obese weight but myself.  I don't want to admit that and take that responsibility because then it means I cant' do what I want- or that I must otherwise say I am choosing morbid obesity.  That I am choosing to put my health at risk.  That I am choosing to be uncomfortable around others, in my clothes, or in the bedroom.  Who would make those choices??  Who in their right mind anyway?

I recently found this photo from when I had lost all that weight after Nutrisystem.  I twas taken just days before I found out I was pregnant with K.  I look fantastic and so young.  I keep looking at it and the thought comes to me over and over "You did it before, what's stopping you now?"  And you know what?  I don't know.  I wish I could figure out what that difference was between now and then.  I suppose I wanted it more then.  That much is obvious.  But why?  I suppose it could be because that was my first true, serious attempt at losing that weight and I felt like I had something to prove- to myself and to the world- that I could do this.  Now that I've regained that weight, and more, I feel like it's just discouragement.  I guess I either don't' truly believe I can, or I don't think I have what is left to make it happen.

As I write that thought though I know it's so not true.  I know that's precisely how Satan would have me feel.  I know that I've experienced miracles and healing from the Lord.  I know that He has shown me that He cares very much about the things that matter to me, even the seemingly most insignificant things- and that He would happily give me whatever help I needed for what would make me happy if I would but ask.  So what is stopping me?  Am I afraid of losing weight?  Afraid of feeling strong and in control?  Afraid of feeling like I am attractive?  Afraid of admitting my own choices by making the choice to do things differently and having it actually produce results?  That last one seems to really ring true.  I guess I am afraid of the judgments others will make of my current self based on my future self.  That seems so ridiculous because the fact is that if they're going to make judgments then they are likely making judgments now and at least then they'd more likely be more positive?  What do I care about what 'they' think anyway?  I just remember feeling so angry about how much better I was treated, how much more respect and attention I got, after I had lost those 60lbs.  Why I'm allowing that to half me now I just don't know.  As though I think I'm proving something to the world by choosing to stay fat?  Thinking if I do so long enough they'll treat me that way again regardless???  What the heck?!  I certainly wouldn't have myself to hide behind anymore.

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