Sunday, May 26, 2013
so much to say and so little time.
There has been so much on my mind lately and so much I have wanted to share with the world. Yet, I have been busy and unable to get it all down on paper (or computer). It is in there though, churning. I want to say, that if you ever have any questions at all about my experience as the wife of an addict, about my journey through my husband's recovery, about my personal history, about my own addictions...anything, please ask. As I have read through recently discovered recovery blogs I have seen so much echoed of both my past and present. I have wished that I wrote so much more during our experience and there is so much that I would love to share but don't even know where to begin. So if you want to know, please ask.
That being said... Let me tell you a little something that happened this week.
But first I have to give you a little, very personal, history. Some of this I have only shared with my husband and my sponsor from when I did the PASG program.
When you work the 12-step program you reach a point where you write out your history. Start with your earliest memory and just get it all out. It is terrifying and liberating all at the same time. (full disclosure: I did mine but stopped at when I got married. ::big sigh:: that's next) When I was doing my history I suddenly saw a pattern. That is why it is so good. I also saw, or remembered, holes in my memory. These little experiences that seemed significant enough to remember, and yet the important piece of it seemed to be missing. For example, one memory from my preschool years involving a friend who shall remain nameless that I suddenly couldn't play at their house anymore. I was upset and didn't understand why my friend didn't like me anymore. I always associated this memory also with my hair being in braids- like perhaps it was significant because my friend always had her hair in braids and so that was when I wanted to, or it was where I first got my hair braided. Seems silly and insignificant right? So why do I remember it 25+ years later?? There must be more. Was it my first broken friendship and the hurt of that that left it embellished on my brain? Seriously, this has bothered me for a long time. It's not like it's something I think of regularly...but one of those things that when my mind wanders to my history or to that time in my life I just can't help but be bugged by that 'hole' in my memory.
I apologize if I go all over with this post in trying to explain things.
So what happened a few days ago was that there was someone in the news. Someone who I recognized. That someone was the father of that friend. He was being sentenced for a sexual assault and the news stories explained what sure seems to me to be a long history of sexual misconduct.
So here I am with this memory hole.
What do I have?
A man who I was barred from going to his house suddenly when I was very young.
Stirrings of a memory that I'm not sure what it is or if I want to know.
A mother who is dead who I can't ask about these things.
A previous history of a hole in my memory that suddenly came to light... when I recalled being a 6 year old and sitting in a friend's living room with her father (or uncle?) sitting behind us, in a dark room, watching explicit porn videos that he insisted we watch with him.... remembering that suddenly (upon asking my mom a probing question that elicited a 'don't you remember' response that opened the floodgates) allowed me to suddenly see a lot of my personal struggles and behavior patterns for what they were and where they came from.
Additional history of having been molested by a peer on two other occasions in my youth and of another 'friend' trying to rape me when I was a teenager.
Suddenly I feel dirty. I have worked through that trauma of my youth and am no longer that victim, I am a survivor. This is new though. What is this anyway? I desperately want to ask my mom the rest of what happened, if she even remembers. Of course I can't do that though. My dad knows nothing. I confirm with the reporter that it is in fact the same man. I've always remembered the names of the parents of that house I couldn't go to anymore, though I've never been able to remember the friend's name. Weird. So I'm sad my mom isn't around to ask these things. I'm angry because I'm wondering if something happened to me even younger than that first memory I have and that she may have kept it from me and others- leading to me being 'damaged' and he being allowed to continue as a perpetrator. I'm confused because I don't even know what I'm dealing with. Of course, I'm also clawing at anything in a desperate attempt to maintain some control and not start hiding my feelings with stuff in my mouth (happy to report I was successful there- on the one hand I didn't feel like eating anything and on the other I felt like eating it all). The Lord saw me and put an angel in my path. I went for a walk with a friend in the ward in whom I had already confided some of this dark past of mine. I told her everything I was experiencing and just word vomited on her. She had no answers for me, obviously, but encouraged me through her own experience just to visit with my bishop and let him take it all from me. I felt better walking around and just getting it all out of me. I felt better but still confused. We talked about my health stuff and everything else going on and with my recovery. She pointed out how it seems that much is sort of swirling around, waiting to come crashing down on me. Yes, that is about how it works when you start a recovery or a major positive life change, or when you just plain feel things are going really well. So she is probably right. Just knowing that gives us power though right. The thought of that overwhelms me and yet leaves me feeling 'bring it on' because I'm committed to this and ready to fight the fight I'm going to win. So we were both left wondering if this was an opportunity being presented to me to deal with something in my past in order to move further along in my recovery.
I went home without answers but with a little more insight and a lot more relief. I had not been home 2 hours when it just all suddenly came to me. The rest of the memory. It came with such a clarity that I knew this friend had prayed for me. She prayed on my behalf because I had not yet been able to do it as I did not yet even know what it was I wanted. I know this too because she confirmed it the next day when she said that she had in fact prayed that I would see what I needed to see before she went to bed that night.
The rest of the memory?
He braided my hair. That's why the braid was significant. I think it happened multiple times and my mom assumed it was the mom or another child doing it until I made some comment one time that he was the one who'd been braiding my hair. I felt like I'd done something wrong because she wouldn't let me go over there after that even though other kids could. I wonder now if she never said anything to anyone else for fear they would think she was overreacting. I'm sure that as a preschooler I didn't understand and probably kept bugging her about it. So she told me that my friend didn't want to be my friend anymore. I thought I did something wrong. I didn't understand. I've always hated friendships ending without my understanding of why, or feeling like I've done something wrong when I did something right. Now I understand. My mother protected me. She followed her gut instinct, at the risk of my feelings toward her (I'm sure I was mad at her), and she kept me safe.
She was the one who I went to later when the friends' dad had me watching porn with him. She did the same thing then. Even my brother remembers not being able to trick or treat at the end of the street suddenly. I don't know if anything more happened in either of those instances, but it doesn't really matter.
I never told her about the guys when I was older. I was too busy letting myself believe that it was my fault somehow, because that was what those guys told me. I was too busy feeling ashamed for those feelings I had and for those memories that would replay in my dreams. I was too busy being a teenager. It wasn't until I met the guy who would later become my husband that I even realized someone could really be interested in me just for 'me'. That a 'good guy' could like me. That I could be okay with that. It was after that and my senior year psychology class that I said to her "Mom, did something happen to me?" and she said "don't you remember your friend ____?". That was when I remembered what I did. That was when I could put that piece together and stop feeling so much confusion about feeling like a dirty person even when I knew that deep down I wasn't.
I'm not entirely certain the purpose of this latest discovery (or of this post for that matter). I am certain that the Lord works in mysterious ways and gives us knowledge, brings things to light, opens our eyes, as we are ready to receive. I feel confident in that. I'm still debating about what to do with this newfound knowledge but I know I'll figure it out and He will use it to my benefit. I wish I could tell my mom 'thanks' for being the mean mom who wouldn't let me play with my friend because something just didn't sit right with her. I wish I could tell her it's okay that she didn't take me to counseling or anything when I was younger even though I probably needed it...because I've got it covered now, and I've learned some pretty darn valuable lessons by having to experience them and pound them out myself. I learn better by doing anyway. I'm pretty sure my mom knows these things though, but it's a bit of a relief to get them out there. I think she'd be proud of me today.
That being said... Let me tell you a little something that happened this week.
But first I have to give you a little, very personal, history. Some of this I have only shared with my husband and my sponsor from when I did the PASG program.
When you work the 12-step program you reach a point where you write out your history. Start with your earliest memory and just get it all out. It is terrifying and liberating all at the same time. (full disclosure: I did mine but stopped at when I got married. ::big sigh:: that's next) When I was doing my history I suddenly saw a pattern. That is why it is so good. I also saw, or remembered, holes in my memory. These little experiences that seemed significant enough to remember, and yet the important piece of it seemed to be missing. For example, one memory from my preschool years involving a friend who shall remain nameless that I suddenly couldn't play at their house anymore. I was upset and didn't understand why my friend didn't like me anymore. I always associated this memory also with my hair being in braids- like perhaps it was significant because my friend always had her hair in braids and so that was when I wanted to, or it was where I first got my hair braided. Seems silly and insignificant right? So why do I remember it 25+ years later?? There must be more. Was it my first broken friendship and the hurt of that that left it embellished on my brain? Seriously, this has bothered me for a long time. It's not like it's something I think of regularly...but one of those things that when my mind wanders to my history or to that time in my life I just can't help but be bugged by that 'hole' in my memory.
I apologize if I go all over with this post in trying to explain things.
So what happened a few days ago was that there was someone in the news. Someone who I recognized. That someone was the father of that friend. He was being sentenced for a sexual assault and the news stories explained what sure seems to me to be a long history of sexual misconduct.
So here I am with this memory hole.
What do I have?
A man who I was barred from going to his house suddenly when I was very young.
Stirrings of a memory that I'm not sure what it is or if I want to know.
A mother who is dead who I can't ask about these things.
A previous history of a hole in my memory that suddenly came to light... when I recalled being a 6 year old and sitting in a friend's living room with her father (or uncle?) sitting behind us, in a dark room, watching explicit porn videos that he insisted we watch with him.... remembering that suddenly (upon asking my mom a probing question that elicited a 'don't you remember' response that opened the floodgates) allowed me to suddenly see a lot of my personal struggles and behavior patterns for what they were and where they came from.
Additional history of having been molested by a peer on two other occasions in my youth and of another 'friend' trying to rape me when I was a teenager.
Suddenly I feel dirty. I have worked through that trauma of my youth and am no longer that victim, I am a survivor. This is new though. What is this anyway? I desperately want to ask my mom the rest of what happened, if she even remembers. Of course I can't do that though. My dad knows nothing. I confirm with the reporter that it is in fact the same man. I've always remembered the names of the parents of that house I couldn't go to anymore, though I've never been able to remember the friend's name. Weird. So I'm sad my mom isn't around to ask these things. I'm angry because I'm wondering if something happened to me even younger than that first memory I have and that she may have kept it from me and others- leading to me being 'damaged' and he being allowed to continue as a perpetrator. I'm confused because I don't even know what I'm dealing with. Of course, I'm also clawing at anything in a desperate attempt to maintain some control and not start hiding my feelings with stuff in my mouth (happy to report I was successful there- on the one hand I didn't feel like eating anything and on the other I felt like eating it all). The Lord saw me and put an angel in my path. I went for a walk with a friend in the ward in whom I had already confided some of this dark past of mine. I told her everything I was experiencing and just word vomited on her. She had no answers for me, obviously, but encouraged me through her own experience just to visit with my bishop and let him take it all from me. I felt better walking around and just getting it all out of me. I felt better but still confused. We talked about my health stuff and everything else going on and with my recovery. She pointed out how it seems that much is sort of swirling around, waiting to come crashing down on me. Yes, that is about how it works when you start a recovery or a major positive life change, or when you just plain feel things are going really well. So she is probably right. Just knowing that gives us power though right. The thought of that overwhelms me and yet leaves me feeling 'bring it on' because I'm committed to this and ready to fight the fight I'm going to win. So we were both left wondering if this was an opportunity being presented to me to deal with something in my past in order to move further along in my recovery.
I went home without answers but with a little more insight and a lot more relief. I had not been home 2 hours when it just all suddenly came to me. The rest of the memory. It came with such a clarity that I knew this friend had prayed for me. She prayed on my behalf because I had not yet been able to do it as I did not yet even know what it was I wanted. I know this too because she confirmed it the next day when she said that she had in fact prayed that I would see what I needed to see before she went to bed that night.
The rest of the memory?
He braided my hair. That's why the braid was significant. I think it happened multiple times and my mom assumed it was the mom or another child doing it until I made some comment one time that he was the one who'd been braiding my hair. I felt like I'd done something wrong because she wouldn't let me go over there after that even though other kids could. I wonder now if she never said anything to anyone else for fear they would think she was overreacting. I'm sure that as a preschooler I didn't understand and probably kept bugging her about it. So she told me that my friend didn't want to be my friend anymore. I thought I did something wrong. I didn't understand. I've always hated friendships ending without my understanding of why, or feeling like I've done something wrong when I did something right. Now I understand. My mother protected me. She followed her gut instinct, at the risk of my feelings toward her (I'm sure I was mad at her), and she kept me safe.
She was the one who I went to later when the friends' dad had me watching porn with him. She did the same thing then. Even my brother remembers not being able to trick or treat at the end of the street suddenly. I don't know if anything more happened in either of those instances, but it doesn't really matter.
I never told her about the guys when I was older. I was too busy letting myself believe that it was my fault somehow, because that was what those guys told me. I was too busy feeling ashamed for those feelings I had and for those memories that would replay in my dreams. I was too busy being a teenager. It wasn't until I met the guy who would later become my husband that I even realized someone could really be interested in me just for 'me'. That a 'good guy' could like me. That I could be okay with that. It was after that and my senior year psychology class that I said to her "Mom, did something happen to me?" and she said "don't you remember your friend ____?". That was when I remembered what I did. That was when I could put that piece together and stop feeling so much confusion about feeling like a dirty person even when I knew that deep down I wasn't.
I'm not entirely certain the purpose of this latest discovery (or of this post for that matter). I am certain that the Lord works in mysterious ways and gives us knowledge, brings things to light, opens our eyes, as we are ready to receive. I feel confident in that. I'm still debating about what to do with this newfound knowledge but I know I'll figure it out and He will use it to my benefit. I wish I could tell my mom 'thanks' for being the mean mom who wouldn't let me play with my friend because something just didn't sit right with her. I wish I could tell her it's okay that she didn't take me to counseling or anything when I was younger even though I probably needed it...because I've got it covered now, and I've learned some pretty darn valuable lessons by having to experience them and pound them out myself. I learn better by doing anyway. I'm pretty sure my mom knows these things though, but it's a bit of a relief to get them out there. I think she'd be proud of me today.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
celebrate you
NSV. It's a non-scale victory. It's an opportunity to celebrate yourself because you should be celebrating something about yourself each and every day. Find something about yourself to celebrate every day as well as with each person in your family. What if we did that and wrote that down? I'll bet our lives would totally change. Hmm...this is a brilliant idea of mine. I think I might just do this.
Well, here is what went down today:
I finally got the call last Friday that my insurance settlement money was in. The money from the car accident I was in a year and a half ago. This thing has been a mess I tell you. I have had the worst time with the case managers even though the lawyers themselves are great. I have been anxious to just get it all done and over with just because of their horrible lack of communication and follow through. Well, my case manager and I set up an appointment for me to come in and pick up the checks (multiple because I had children in the car with me who were seen on dr orders as well). We set a very clear appointment for Tuesday because she says she will be out of the office all day on Monday and isn't sure what the attorney's schedule will be.
So.... I drive 40 minutes to this lawyer's office (getting my boys' chicken nuggets because I went straight from kinder pickup in order to be there before her lunch break as arranged) to find she is not there. She is at lunch. A lunch she wasn't supposed to take for another hour from the time I was there. The receptionist explains that one of the lawyers had them switch lunch schedules for the day. Well, that's all fine and good except she could have called me. I'm not leaving though because I know that this will not be resolved otherwise. I need this to just be done with. She is calling and texting this lady to get her back in the office with no response. Anyway, long story short.... I waited for an hour with my 6 and 5 year old boys and a couch and a tv playing ESPN. Let me tell you how much fun that is. It's not. I was furious. My husband was texting me saying that I should demand that they pay me the equivalent of that girl's hourly wage. Right. Well, at first I was nice. I was being all polite and professional and practicing my mean glare. Beware the silent and angry woman. Then I was all 'no...my time is valuable too and I will not be just walked over!'. Thanks PASG for teaching me that lesson. It was sort of like my own little victory to say that for myself. I could feel tears just below the surface when my actual attorney appeared and immediately said "Have you really been here for an hour?". I cry when I get mad. I hate it. So I remained as calm as I could because I didn't want to cry but my voice cracked a bit when I said that 'yes, in fact I have and yes, I did have a very clear appointment (as did the other guy that had been there waiting for the same lady).' I made sure to let them know that I was not happy and I deserved better. I'm glad PASG taught me that lesson- It's okay to be mad and upset and to express those feelings. You just have to be sure that you are responding or acting mindfully instead of merely reacting to something. My hands were shaking because I was so mad.
So I'm mad but at least I finally get my settlement documents and checks and I can be done with all this. I'm still shaking because I'm mad about all this when I leave. I want desperately to stop at that McDonald's there and get a soft serve ice cream cone (I heard they're only 1 WW point after all so they must be good for you!) because surely I deserved it after dealing with all that crap. My boys certainly did. Or I wanted a cookie from somewhere. I really deserved it when I had barely gone down the road and an idiot driver in the lane next to me seriously swerved for no apparent reason and very very nearly sideswiped me. No joke, had I not had both hands on the wheel at the time I probably would've jerked my car too far out of the way and into the car on the other side of me or over-corrected right back into his. My poor boys were all scared all over again. Where was I? Oh, right. I deserved a treat for all this crappy afternoon I was having. Guess what though? I didn't. First, all I could think about besides the fact that I had so much adrenaline coursing through my body now and that my hands were shaking and I was so mad at my utter waste of an afternoon (which, obviously, was not a total waste) was how badly I had to pee! Seriously. Thinking about that reminded me just how much water I'd been sipping at to keep myself occupied while waiting and just in general. That reminded me about my workout that morning and my accountability/fitness group and how I'd committed to doing really well this week and being done with my spiral of a weekend. So I drove the rest of the way home thinking about the healthy treats I was going to have when I got home because that was what I deserved. I had some vegan brownies I made yesterday and some greek yogurt with some PB2+chocolate in it. I felt much better. As I sat there feeling better I wondered if it had to do with the food. Like how an addict needs a fix and calms down when they get the fix. This has always been a struggle for me. I feel like there is a lot of wonderful literature out there about my husband's pornography addiction and how it works in terms of the brain processes and chemicals etc. I know that a food addiction must work the same way but you can't simply cut that out in the same way you can pornography. So what do you do? I realized at that moment that it wasn't about the food then. I felt better because I had taken control of something that I really did have control of. I was upset about my lack of control in a situation where someone did not hold up to their end of an agreement, at my expense, and then about my lack of control in a situation that put my family's safety at risk. Then there's that whole lack of control of whatever the heck is going on in my body and having any knowledge about it. I've always tried to shut out those feelings with doing whatever with abandon, which usually meant some sort of binge or eating something that would make me feel bad so at least then I'd later have that feeling to focus on. Obviously that doesn't work. But today I felt better eating something...something good for me....because I had control over something that I could have control over. Ohhhhhhhh.......
Hey big guy.... Thanks for answering that prayer to help me make good choices today. ;)
Well, here is what went down today:
I finally got the call last Friday that my insurance settlement money was in. The money from the car accident I was in a year and a half ago. This thing has been a mess I tell you. I have had the worst time with the case managers even though the lawyers themselves are great. I have been anxious to just get it all done and over with just because of their horrible lack of communication and follow through. Well, my case manager and I set up an appointment for me to come in and pick up the checks (multiple because I had children in the car with me who were seen on dr orders as well). We set a very clear appointment for Tuesday because she says she will be out of the office all day on Monday and isn't sure what the attorney's schedule will be.
So.... I drive 40 minutes to this lawyer's office (getting my boys' chicken nuggets because I went straight from kinder pickup in order to be there before her lunch break as arranged) to find she is not there. She is at lunch. A lunch she wasn't supposed to take for another hour from the time I was there. The receptionist explains that one of the lawyers had them switch lunch schedules for the day. Well, that's all fine and good except she could have called me. I'm not leaving though because I know that this will not be resolved otherwise. I need this to just be done with. She is calling and texting this lady to get her back in the office with no response. Anyway, long story short.... I waited for an hour with my 6 and 5 year old boys and a couch and a tv playing ESPN. Let me tell you how much fun that is. It's not. I was furious. My husband was texting me saying that I should demand that they pay me the equivalent of that girl's hourly wage. Right. Well, at first I was nice. I was being all polite and professional and practicing my mean glare. Beware the silent and angry woman. Then I was all 'no...my time is valuable too and I will not be just walked over!'. Thanks PASG for teaching me that lesson. It was sort of like my own little victory to say that for myself. I could feel tears just below the surface when my actual attorney appeared and immediately said "Have you really been here for an hour?". I cry when I get mad. I hate it. So I remained as calm as I could because I didn't want to cry but my voice cracked a bit when I said that 'yes, in fact I have and yes, I did have a very clear appointment (as did the other guy that had been there waiting for the same lady).' I made sure to let them know that I was not happy and I deserved better. I'm glad PASG taught me that lesson- It's okay to be mad and upset and to express those feelings. You just have to be sure that you are responding or acting mindfully instead of merely reacting to something. My hands were shaking because I was so mad.
So I'm mad but at least I finally get my settlement documents and checks and I can be done with all this. I'm still shaking because I'm mad about all this when I leave. I want desperately to stop at that McDonald's there and get a soft serve ice cream cone (I heard they're only 1 WW point after all so they must be good for you!) because surely I deserved it after dealing with all that crap. My boys certainly did. Or I wanted a cookie from somewhere. I really deserved it when I had barely gone down the road and an idiot driver in the lane next to me seriously swerved for no apparent reason and very very nearly sideswiped me. No joke, had I not had both hands on the wheel at the time I probably would've jerked my car too far out of the way and into the car on the other side of me or over-corrected right back into his. My poor boys were all scared all over again. Where was I? Oh, right. I deserved a treat for all this crappy afternoon I was having. Guess what though? I didn't. First, all I could think about besides the fact that I had so much adrenaline coursing through my body now and that my hands were shaking and I was so mad at my utter waste of an afternoon (which, obviously, was not a total waste) was how badly I had to pee! Seriously. Thinking about that reminded me just how much water I'd been sipping at to keep myself occupied while waiting and just in general. That reminded me about my workout that morning and my accountability/fitness group and how I'd committed to doing really well this week and being done with my spiral of a weekend. So I drove the rest of the way home thinking about the healthy treats I was going to have when I got home because that was what I deserved. I had some vegan brownies I made yesterday and some greek yogurt with some PB2+chocolate in it. I felt much better. As I sat there feeling better I wondered if it had to do with the food. Like how an addict needs a fix and calms down when they get the fix. This has always been a struggle for me. I feel like there is a lot of wonderful literature out there about my husband's pornography addiction and how it works in terms of the brain processes and chemicals etc. I know that a food addiction must work the same way but you can't simply cut that out in the same way you can pornography. So what do you do? I realized at that moment that it wasn't about the food then. I felt better because I had taken control of something that I really did have control of. I was upset about my lack of control in a situation where someone did not hold up to their end of an agreement, at my expense, and then about my lack of control in a situation that put my family's safety at risk. Then there's that whole lack of control of whatever the heck is going on in my body and having any knowledge about it. I've always tried to shut out those feelings with doing whatever with abandon, which usually meant some sort of binge or eating something that would make me feel bad so at least then I'd later have that feeling to focus on. Obviously that doesn't work. But today I felt better eating something...something good for me....because I had control over something that I could have control over. Ohhhhhhhh.......
Hey big guy.... Thanks for answering that prayer to help me make good choices today. ;)
Monday, May 20, 2013
hooray for Monday
Aren't fresh starts great? Didn't know you had so much to look forward to in a Monday? I love em. I was able to recommit today and it felt great. I went to bed super duper late last night and that left me pretty tired today. In fact, I felt myself falling asleep while driving between the library and my house. The library is a whopping 4 miles away. When I got home I didn't take a nap though. I knew that if I did that I would likely sleep or lounge my day away and I had already made a promise to myself that was not going to happen. So I decided to get my workout done instead. Besides, when I was running a couple errands first I had been sitting in a waiting room where some morning show was on. They were running a report about being sleep deprived (which I found rather amusing) and steps you can take to 'mask' it. One part of it said that even though exercise may feel like the very last thing on earth you want to do, studies find that if you can get yourself to do even just 6 to 11 minutes of aerobic movement then it will make a significant difference. What a perfect day to test that. So I did my ChaLean Extreme Burn Circuit 2. And it burned. And by the time I was 6 to 11 minutes into it I forgot that I was even tired. At the end, I was drenched in sweat and felt fantastic. That was a good feeling. I needed today to be a win and I made it one.
Also, I was thinking that I should share more of the recipes and foods that I am enjoying. Tonight I made up something new. I had gotten some premade pizza dough at Trader Joe's and had this idea for a yummy pizza. The top one is their garlic & herb dough. I drizzled a little olive oil on it and then I topped it with their artichoke antipasto. Then I topped it with an Italian cheese blend. That's it. So easy. Sooooooo good. The other pizza was with their whole wheat dough. I made a homemade pizza sauce (couple little cans of tomato sauce, half a little can of tomato paste for thickness, fresh basil, fresh garlic, oregano, parsley, and minced onion flakes) and I topped it with the same Italian cheese blend and turkey pepperoni and sausage crumbles. The family loved it and it was so filling! My husband could barely eat two slices. I was full after just one.
Also, I was thinking that I should share more of the recipes and foods that I am enjoying. Tonight I made up something new. I had gotten some premade pizza dough at Trader Joe's and had this idea for a yummy pizza. The top one is their garlic & herb dough. I drizzled a little olive oil on it and then I topped it with their artichoke antipasto. Then I topped it with an Italian cheese blend. That's it. So easy. Sooooooo good. The other pizza was with their whole wheat dough. I made a homemade pizza sauce (couple little cans of tomato sauce, half a little can of tomato paste for thickness, fresh basil, fresh garlic, oregano, parsley, and minced onion flakes) and I topped it with the same Italian cheese blend and turkey pepperoni and sausage crumbles. The family loved it and it was so filling! My husband could barely eat two slices. I was full after just one.
facing the music
::sigh:: I really did not want to step on the scale or grab the measuring tape this morning. I knew it would mean having to face the weekend's damage. I feel icky and bloated and crampy. Sorry if that's too much detail for y'all. I have a few days yet though before I get to just have that part happen, dealt with, and over. Can't believe I can't wait. In the meantime, life keeps happening and I have to fight the spiral to not throw in the towel for the week and undo all the work I've done thus far. I think that's what's happened before. It needs to happen no longer. I've been thinking of some coping strategies. Number one, I decided that maybe I need to allow myself extra focus on self-care knowing that it is a difficult and triggering time of the month. Maybe that will give me extra strength and an extra outlet for triggering feelings. So, the laundry piles might just stay on the couch today and I might just stay in my craft room instead. I also need to make absolutely certain that I do not miss a single workout because I know how much that helps. I might even add in additional workouts. I have to commit to logging all of my food and being super accountable for the week. I have to recognize that I am having a hard time, feeling triggered, and talk about it. I did that last night with DH and it was good. I was feeling triggered on both ends- as the wife of an addict and as an addict myself- so it was good to have a little conversation about what was causing it. So maybe I can be done with it all. I will beat myself this week. I am glad it is Monday. I may have gained just over a pound this week. I still lost an inch. Small victories.
a realization
I've noticed a theme among the last few days. That's the good thing about writing things down. I've been triggered by stressors (I hadn't yet mentioned either that DH had also just received an iPhone from work, and been told an iPad was come- even if he has been clean 2 1/2 years that can still raise concerns), worried about medical stuff, and feeling tired because I haven't slept well. These have all added up to feeling oh so very tempted and worn down. Today it was still the same. I just wanted to take a break from being mindful and start over tomorrow. Even if I know there is that quote about how every second is a chance to start anew and we needn't put it off. I am looking forward to starting fresh on Monday. I am not looking forward to the fact that Monday is when we weigh in and take our measurements in the challenge group.
Then another thought occurred to me. There is something more going on. It is just about that time of the month. It is the time before the time that is always very hard. Where I feel tired, emotional, and want a lot of bad foods. Realizing that much is empowering. At least it is recognizing a pattern. I read a blog tonight that mentioned how patterns are gifts from God. They are teaching tools. I'm not entirely sure what to do with the knowledge, but I have faith that I will figure it out. Maybe the answers from the dr visits will actually help that. I know it didn't used to be this difficult. Maybe hormone levels have something to do with it. I know that was suggested with DH and his addiction. I know that white-knuckling it through pms doesn't work. Maybe that's what I started out trying to do and why I feel so tired and worn down now. What I do know is that seeing a pattern helps me realize that I am not the problem. It gives me hope that I am not doomed to just be like this- doing well for so long and then being seemingly smacked with a slip up and temptations galore that seem out of nowhere. I don't feel so tempted to throw in the towel knowing that there are others in the group who have been struggling with the same feeling, even people who are having unbelievable success, and realizing that I am not flawed. I realize these are thoughts of an addict- thinking that somehow I am an exception to the miracles of the Atonement and the ability to change. So now I guess the next step is figuring how a plan of attack, a way to success (that doesn't involve white knuckles) knowing the pattern before me.
Then another thought occurred to me. There is something more going on. It is just about that time of the month. It is the time before the time that is always very hard. Where I feel tired, emotional, and want a lot of bad foods. Realizing that much is empowering. At least it is recognizing a pattern. I read a blog tonight that mentioned how patterns are gifts from God. They are teaching tools. I'm not entirely sure what to do with the knowledge, but I have faith that I will figure it out. Maybe the answers from the dr visits will actually help that. I know it didn't used to be this difficult. Maybe hormone levels have something to do with it. I know that was suggested with DH and his addiction. I know that white-knuckling it through pms doesn't work. Maybe that's what I started out trying to do and why I feel so tired and worn down now. What I do know is that seeing a pattern helps me realize that I am not the problem. It gives me hope that I am not doomed to just be like this- doing well for so long and then being seemingly smacked with a slip up and temptations galore that seem out of nowhere. I don't feel so tempted to throw in the towel knowing that there are others in the group who have been struggling with the same feeling, even people who are having unbelievable success, and realizing that I am not flawed. I realize these are thoughts of an addict- thinking that somehow I am an exception to the miracles of the Atonement and the ability to change. So now I guess the next step is figuring how a plan of attack, a way to success (that doesn't involve white knuckles) knowing the pattern before me.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
not perfect at all
Today. Well. I didn't want to post about today. Which told me I probably should. Which led me to remember that quote about how when it is hardest to pray is when you need to pray hardest. Something like that.
The boys at my house were all at a campout last night. Being that I have 3 boys and 1 girl, that is no small thing. She had been counting down the days and had determined we would shop while they were gone. Well, I inadvertently slept in (which was glorious) and when I woke up this morning she was fully dressed to her shoes and ready to go. I gave her several choices and she chose the swap meet. Since it is outdoors and since it is Vegas, that meant we needed to go pronto. No workout first thing in the am for me. I had a quick breakfast of granola (should've had my shake but wanted to save it for after my workout). A tiny whisper of a voice told me I should but I ignored it because I surely knew better.
We ended up being gone the bulk of the day, my legs are still tired from all the walking we did. We had a rather late lunch of cafe rio salad and then by the time we got home the boys were home. It was our family's turn to clean our church with a few other families so I was home not even 30 minutes before we left to do that.
It was after 5 when we finally left the church building. I had my ultrasounds scheduled at 6 and one was the super fun kind where you get to drink 48oz of water an hr before the test but don't you dare go to the bathroom. Lemme tell you.... Super fun when you've had 4 kids. SO glad I didn't have a pregnant belly to add to that too!
So I went to this appointment (scheduled on a Sat because they said I had to since the dr order was marked 'at risk') feeling pretty tired and worn down from the day. I got anxious walking in but quickly pushed that aside and distracted myself while waiting with Pinterest on my phone. I get my ultrasounds and it's all really rather uncomfortable- in fact it is downright painful at one point. I wish the tech would turn the screen so I can see but I don't speak up. I don't ask the questions I want to because I'm afraid they either won't tell me or they will and I won't like the answer. So what do I do? I sneak a peek at the thumbnail captured images when they leave me in the room to change afterward. What I see frightens me. Sure does look a lot like my son's abnormal kidney. Only I know it isn't a kidney. 'I shouldn't jump to conclusions' I tell myself. 'I am not a doctor' I remind myself. 'The fact that it was so painful doesn't have to mean anything' I reassure myself. In any case, my husband is texting me about date night and that he finally got a babysitter so I should meet him at the movie theater. I grab a protein box from the Starbucks in the same parking lot as the medical place because I haven't had dinner and he has. I don't have time to think about this anymore.... I have places to be and things to do. So now I'm going to go distract myself with a movie.
So this is where it went down I think. I tried to slip a hint of how I was feeling to DH by saying when I saw him "I snuck a look and it looked like K's kidney." No real reaction. And anyway, a movie theater isn't really the place for that kind of conversation. Know what I did instead? I got an ice cream Snickers bar from the concession stand. All ridiculously overpriced $3.50 of it. I had time to think about it. I told DH I wanted it and he said "Am I supposed to talk you out of it or support you by saying ok because I don't know what I'm supposed to do." So I just got it. I really wanted it. They always make me feel better. And I just didn't want to think about it, or anything, anymore. I'm not going to lie, it was really good. I also had (non-buttered) popcorn but it wasn't as good.
It wasn't until driving home that I finally decompressed and started actually thinking. I could've hopped on fb to my accountability group and reached out that I was having a hard time and feeling tempted. I didn't want to and I didn't. What made this time different? I had the thought while driving. Just as we need to pray hardest when it is hardest, so it is with reaching out. I didn't want to reach out because that would require some sort of explanation why. Not really, but it's that way in my head at least. That meant I needed to face with and feel my feelings. I don't want to do that tonight. I don't want to say that it hurt or that I'm afraid or that I'm sad that I don't have my mom to talk to about womanly things. I don't want to admit that I worry about the worst because I've had such toxic people in my life for so long who have been very critical of me and my health (healthy or not) and my tendency to prepare for the worst just in case. It's just that the worst becomes such a real possibility when your mom dies suddenly from a health condition she didn't know about when you were only 17, and she only 38. I thought as I drove that I should've said a prayer and told my Heavenly Father how I was feeling. Even just a silent one. Just to 'get it out' so I wouldn't feel so tempted to stuff it. Having that thought, of what I should do and that it was okay to feel those things and tell Him as much, while driving felt like my own little bit of grace. I'm still sad. I'm still scared. I'm still nervous. But I'm trying, I'm really really trying, to be ok with that and to ALLOW myself to feel that fully. To be okay with allowing myself that. If it all turns out nothing then I don't need to feel stupid or embarrassed for putting this out there and feeling those things. Right? I mean, it's okay that this is my reality and I shouldn't be worrying about those toxic voices of "you're being a hypochondriac" or "I'm sure it's not a big deal" or "there's no point in worrying" because hearing those voices really probably is just messing me up more. Those people with those voices are mostly out of my life now. So why do I still let them talk to me as though they matter? Why do I struggle so much to let them go when the further I get in my recovery the more clear their damage becomes? Maybe it's that they are the ones who were always there for me. Or at least who I thought were. So the thought of something happening that would leave me 'needing' them leaves me anxious that I will just be all alone? Except DH. There is always him. He has never been toxic, even in his addiction. I know I've always got him. Oh, and there's that other guy. The one I should have talked to first.
Friday, May 17, 2013
2 wk progress
I am totally embarrassed about this photo. However, I committed to transparency and honesty and accountability. I was having the whole debate tonight with the temptation to do some quick fix. I have these pills near my nightstand for one 'cleanse' or 'accelerator' or another. They were tempting me. It's not even like I haven't been seeing good weight loss and measurement results either. There is no reason for that temptation other than the damage done by past extreme dieting and the lure of trying to look better for upcoming family events and pictures...and the thought of being around people who have been known to openly critique my looks in the past. I'm not going to cave though. Having these thoughts doesn't mean I don't like me and don't like me now. So I thought I would take a picture. I have been drinking Shakeology for 2 weeks now. I have been in this challenge & accountability group for about 2 1/2 wks now. I have done ChaLean Extreme for 2 weeks now. Well...technically Saturday would be 2 weeks since I started on a Saturday, but tomorrow is my rest day and Sat would technically be my start of week 3 so.....
I know 2 weeks is hardly time to see any real change. However, I do think I see (and feel) some and I wanted to see if it was all in my head. I hope not. Not that that is my motivator. Still. I'm human. I look at this and do the mental math imagery of what may actually be possible in the 10 more weeks to come. This change repeating 5 more times. Plus, I know that time is going to pass by so quickly. Sometimes I look at these awesome transformation pictures, especially of those doing the same program as I and I feel so motivated, hopeful, and encouraged. Then in the next split second that little voice in my head says "well, that was them. I can't possibly have something similar." As if I am defective or undeserving. That Satan...he's a tricky one....
I will post 30 day progress pictures as that's pretty Beachbody standard. 2 weeks is not. Sooooo.....here goes.... please be nice.....
I know 2 weeks is hardly time to see any real change. However, I do think I see (and feel) some and I wanted to see if it was all in my head. I hope not. Not that that is my motivator. Still. I'm human. I look at this and do the mental math imagery of what may actually be possible in the 10 more weeks to come. This change repeating 5 more times. Plus, I know that time is going to pass by so quickly. Sometimes I look at these awesome transformation pictures, especially of those doing the same program as I and I feel so motivated, hopeful, and encouraged. Then in the next split second that little voice in my head says "well, that was them. I can't possibly have something similar." As if I am defective or undeserving. That Satan...he's a tricky one....
I will post 30 day progress pictures as that's pretty Beachbody standard. 2 weeks is not. Sooooo.....here goes.... please be nice.....
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| I promise I did not shrink in height. DH is fired for not being consistent in where he takes the pictures from. I couldn't remember which shirt I was wearing or which way I was facing. p.s. In case you are curious what ChaLean is, HERE is a preview. |
Thursday, May 16, 2013
good article
I meant to share this yesterday. It is a fantastic read that you will find fits in really well with this blog. Check it out here. Here is a glimpse:
If you’re trying to lose weight simply because you want to lose a bunch of weight, then it’s going to be extremely difficult to lose weight.Here’s what I mean: most people who have extra pounds attack their body fat as if it was some foreign and hostile invader. We honestly believe that this excess weight is “not me.” So, we do our best get rid of this unwanted yuk that seems to be ruining our ability to have a good time. And it all makes sense. But here’s the rub – weight loss strategies don’t work. This isn’t headline news. Any study that has any scientific morals and scruples bears this out in the long term. If there was a weight loss diet or pill or program or gizmo that truly worked, we’d all know about it and guys like me would’ve been thankfully out of a job long ago.What I’m saying is that if there was one single reason why we don’t lose weight – it’s because ourreason for wanting to do so is all off, which leads us to invent or undertake weight loss methods that fail us. Again, most people want to lose weight simply to get the weight off.The problem is, the weight is there for a reason and it has a message. It has a deeper purpose. It’s talking to us. The wisdom of life, of the cosmos, of the grand design of all that is - speaks through the human body in the form of symptoms. We are fashioned with a brilliant operating system that has our biology taking direct orders from divine intelligence. Excess weight is a messenger from a higher source. If you kill the messenger – that is, if you actually do lose the weight but don’t get the wisdom it’s trying to impart – the messenger returns. 99% of people who lose weight on a weight loss diet gain it back. There’s no moral failure here. It’s not about eating less calories or switching to skim instead of half and half. We just didn’t listen deeply enough.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
sometimes you just gotta get it out
The day started out well enough. I didn't get up as early as I'd intended but that's nothing new. I got my workout in as soon as the kids were off to school and the youngest was at a playgroup. I really pushed it. No joke, my legs felt like jello. It felt so good to be healthy enough to do that again so quickly after just being sick. After that it seemed my day just sort of disappeared. I found myself running around from one 'must-do' to another and before I knew it I had missed a few meals and was absent the time to make any. I wasn't even hungry. Or so I thought.
That's when it happened. I had a doctor appointment for some concerns I'd been putting off for quite some time. I just didn't want there to be anything to deal with so I figured if I ignored it then there wouldn't. This accountability group and my commitment to total health convinced me and gave me the courage to do make the appointment. So the appointment took longer than expected. I planned on it taking some time so I'd grabbed an apple and string cheese. Even still, it took longer than anticipated. By the time I was done, my husband was off work and had picked up the kids from their friends' houses. Seeing a chance to get a few things at the store without anyone else, I stopped by the grocery store. Good move or bad? I'm not sure. By the time I was done at the store I was overwhelmed and tired. The anxiety of the tests ordered by the doctor and the urgency with which they ordered them had settled in. I made good choices and bought good food at the store, but by the time I got home from there and put the food away I was done. It was like I had used up all my willpower and energy just at the store and I simply no longer wanted to make any decisions. I wanted to eat anything. I realized I was wanting to hide my anxiety with a distraction and that the fact that I'd had so little to eat throughout the day left me vulnerable and turning to that as an outlet. Another illustration of the importance of being prepared and taking care of yourself regularly so that 'your cup is always full.' In the end I made a couple of bad food choices. But did I go on a binge? No. That's progress I'd say. In fact, I'd say even my bad choices weren't as bad as they might have been....of course, not having the food on hand helped as did feeling too cheap to buy something to satisfy some other need in the moment that wasn't going to last. Whoa... that's a new one for me. There is hope yet!
That's when it happened. I had a doctor appointment for some concerns I'd been putting off for quite some time. I just didn't want there to be anything to deal with so I figured if I ignored it then there wouldn't. This accountability group and my commitment to total health convinced me and gave me the courage to do make the appointment. So the appointment took longer than expected. I planned on it taking some time so I'd grabbed an apple and string cheese. Even still, it took longer than anticipated. By the time I was done, my husband was off work and had picked up the kids from their friends' houses. Seeing a chance to get a few things at the store without anyone else, I stopped by the grocery store. Good move or bad? I'm not sure. By the time I was done at the store I was overwhelmed and tired. The anxiety of the tests ordered by the doctor and the urgency with which they ordered them had settled in. I made good choices and bought good food at the store, but by the time I got home from there and put the food away I was done. It was like I had used up all my willpower and energy just at the store and I simply no longer wanted to make any decisions. I wanted to eat anything. I realized I was wanting to hide my anxiety with a distraction and that the fact that I'd had so little to eat throughout the day left me vulnerable and turning to that as an outlet. Another illustration of the importance of being prepared and taking care of yourself regularly so that 'your cup is always full.' In the end I made a couple of bad food choices. But did I go on a binge? No. That's progress I'd say. In fact, I'd say even my bad choices weren't as bad as they might have been....of course, not having the food on hand helped as did feeling too cheap to buy something to satisfy some other need in the moment that wasn't going to last. Whoa... that's a new one for me. There is hope yet!
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