moving forward

I'm reminded how very grateful I am for the journey I have made over the last couple of years. There was a time I thought I would never be whole or well again. There was a time that I couldn't stand without being sick and had to be helped to the bathroom. Then I got better but couldn't go anywhere or do anything in the dark. Then I got better but couldn't do too much or get overly tired or bend up and down much. And so it continued baby step at a time, 2 steps forward and one step back. Now I find myself walking around in a moving RV in the dark, bending up and down to help kids- and I feel fine. I never take the ability to be upright, to walk, or to feel balance for granted anymore. And I'm so grateful for all the 'life lessons' and spiritual insight I gained in that journey that sustained me in the one that followed. I feel happy and blessed to be where I am right now.

just some thoughts.

I've been cleaning the house like crazy lately.  It's like I can't stop.  No real reason, but I feel like I shouldn't fight it.  It's not a bad thing certainly, though I do feel a little like I'm getting sick and I have had a hard time getting up early to exercise.  However, all the floors in the house are vacuumed all at once and that's quite a feat with 4 kids.  It feels nice.  There are still a few straggling boxes and small piles of things (mostly papers) to put away from the move.  Once those are taken care of things will really feel nice I'm sure.

I lost a couple of pounds yesterday and that was nice.  Exercising I know really does help.  I wonder why it's something that I so easily feel lazy about when I do enjoy it and it does leave me feeling really good.

good morning.

I'm up early getting ready to go for a bike ride as the sun rises- my favorite time to.  I'm looking forward to a new week after having had a rough weekend with our car breaking down.

so tired.

I am having the hardest time waking up this morning.  I'm not sure why.  I went to bed at a decent time.  I did have some bizarre dreams so I wonder if that's it.

I went for a bike ride with a friend from the ward yesterday.  It was great.  I ended up going just over 8 miles.  Why is it that I forget so easily just how much I love bike rides and how great exercise makes me feel?  It was fantastic and I felt so good afterward.  I wanted to go again this morning but then I thought it best to rest for a day to be sure how my hip reacts.  So far so good though.

thank you.

I feel so incredibly blessed and grateful that the Lord has helped me wake up again at an early hour of my own accord.  I know that it is His way of letting me know that He loves me and supports me and of blessing me for making good choices.  What a great feeling to wake up and start the day with and what a wonderful way that it affects the rest of my day.  Thank you.

Yesterday went really well and I felt really great as a result.  The kids loved the new schedule I made.  The spirit was here in our home again.  I felt really great (and full) as I ate well and took my vitamins.  I got much accomplished yet didn't really feel I worked a ton, but rather that I had a good balance to the day.

I did do some situps and push ups yesterday until my hip started hurting.  I tried calling the physical therapist because I actually remembered...but then, of course, I couldn't find my referral paper from the doctor.  I will look again today.  It felt like I had completely re-injured it somehow at the end of the day.  That won't do.

struggles.

I haven't journaled in so long and I can tell the difference.  I never realized before how much it can help you keep your head about you.  I recommitted last night to my life and to bringing order and balance back to it.  I am looking forward to that and I am grateful that my Heavenly Father clearly supports me in that as I woke up entirely without an alarm, feeling rested, early enough for self care time as I so desired.  I know that He knows the desires of my heart and that He wishes me to be successful and have all the blessings I so desire.

It has been a rough few months.  I tried, though I think now only half-heartedly, not to let it get to me and to turn it over to Christ.  It began when I publicly shared feelings I was having about missing people and missing being able to hang out with women without worrying if the conversation was going to turn vulgar and I would need to work up the courage to leave.  I meant every word of it as I felt so sad to feel so apart from everyone.  I also was struggling with adjusting to our move (after losing our home in foreclosure while we had a short sale offer on it), and with K2 having had a staph infection that kept us confined for 2 weeks.  In any case, that led to my best friend from high school blasting me in an email to all of our book club as well as in a private email where she said our "relationship was over" and proceeded to detail every criticism of every aspect of my life she said she'd been harboring for the past couple of years.  I felt shocked and stunned (and, yet, a little part of me not) and so hurt.  I felt troubled and hurt that standing for my values, ones I'd expect other members of my faith to hold or at least good friends of mine to understand, would cause so many to be offended to such an extent.  I think frequently of the scripture "the wicked taketh the truth to be hard" and yet I find myself not wanting to think that of them for some reason because it feels like I'm passing judgment on them negatively, as they have so hurtfully done to me.

So I have struggled with this and allowed it to consume much more of my mind and heart than has been good for it.  Instead I should regularly be focusing on the fact that I know my Heavenly Father supported my standing for truth and righteousness....that inside of me I knew I was risking losing or upsetting friends when I stood up to them, yet I could no longer walk that line.  I felt so strongly the need to choose the Lord's side (I need to remember that's always the winning side).... I need to remind myself often of the feeling of approval I got when I went to the temple all broken-hearted about it all- the acknowledgement of approval by my Savior and Heavenly Father and the testifying voice that told me I had kept my covenants and been willing to sacrifice all, even friendships, in the name of the gospel.  I must remind myself often that theirs is the only opinion of me that truly matters and I simply should not concern myself with any others' except to correct any wrongdoings on my part (which has occupied a lot of my mind as well- trying to find responsibility for it in myself in a way that would give me back a sense of control on the matter).  However, that is unhealthy too to the amount and degree that I have done that rather than just focusing on the feeling of the spirit I got and accepting that things have changed and for the better.

I love my family and I feel so blessed to have them.  DH has done his best to be understanding and supporting without passing judgment (which is hard for him where this particular 'friend' is concerned).  The kids are so sweet and have such great personalities and spirits.  They really do light up my life.  They wanted to play with this friend's daughter as soon as school got out for summer and that was hard.  But I was honest with them about why that would no longer be happening and I think it will be a good learning experience for them.

I am looking forward to a new week and a renewed commitment to life.  I am going to be a human being rather than just a human doing.  I am going to live as God intended me and I am so grateful to know He loves me.

the truth.

It's weird how when you feel like you should be writing in your journal but don't, out of sheer laziness, you start to feel like things are building up inside of you.  Nothing in particular- just things.  Now that I've seen the difference that regular journaling can make, I feel and notice a difference when I haven't been doing it.

I really am terrible with consistency and I want to be better about that.  But the only way to that is by being more consistent so.....

I think I'm in some sort of rut or something.  I think I'm trying to avoid something....something that's working its way out to be faced.  Perhaps it's simply that I know I have no one or nothing to blame for my obese weight but myself.  I don't want to admit that and take that responsibility because then it means I cant' do what I want- or that I must otherwise say I am choosing morbid obesity.  That I am choosing to put my health at risk.  That I am choosing to be uncomfortable around others, in my clothes, or in the bedroom.  Who would make those choices??  Who in their right mind anyway?

I recently found this photo from when I had lost all that weight after Nutrisystem.  I twas taken just days before I found out I was pregnant with K.  I look fantastic and so young.  I keep looking at it and the thought comes to me over and over "You did it before, what's stopping you now?"  And you know what?  I don't know.  I wish I could figure out what that difference was between now and then.  I suppose I wanted it more then.  That much is obvious.  But why?  I suppose it could be because that was my first true, serious attempt at losing that weight and I felt like I had something to prove- to myself and to the world- that I could do this.  Now that I've regained that weight, and more, I feel like it's just discouragement.  I guess I either don't' truly believe I can, or I don't think I have what is left to make it happen.

As I write that thought though I know it's so not true.  I know that's precisely how Satan would have me feel.  I know that I've experienced miracles and healing from the Lord.  I know that He has shown me that He cares very much about the things that matter to me, even the seemingly most insignificant things- and that He would happily give me whatever help I needed for what would make me happy if I would but ask.  So what is stopping me?  Am I afraid of losing weight?  Afraid of feeling strong and in control?  Afraid of feeling like I am attractive?  Afraid of admitting my own choices by making the choice to do things differently and having it actually produce results?  That last one seems to really ring true.  I guess I am afraid of the judgments others will make of my current self based on my future self.  That seems so ridiculous because the fact is that if they're going to make judgments then they are likely making judgments now and at least then they'd more likely be more positive?  What do I care about what 'they' think anyway?  I just remember feeling so angry about how much better I was treated, how much more respect and attention I got, after I had lost those 60lbs.  Why I'm allowing that to half me now I just don't know.  As though I think I'm proving something to the world by choosing to stay fat?  Thinking if I do so long enough they'll treat me that way again regardless???  What the heck?!  I certainly wouldn't have myself to hide behind anymore.

lessons learned.

I just feel the need to write.  I'm not even sure of or how to express all my feelings but they need to be recorded.

After the cardiologist discovered last week that my carotid arteries are 50% blocked, I have an MRA today.  The ultrasound didn't show plaque.  I can't help thinking it has something to do with weakened artery walls- and that it's something related to my dad's AVM or my mom's aneurysm.  In any case, my initial reaction was one of hurt, dismay, fear, etc.  I thought 'here we go again' (with another big trial).  I felt embarrassed  that perhaps I brought this upon myself and that if I'd only faced up to my food addiction sooner.... But no sooner had I had that particular thought, the thought clearly came to my mind (and again as I write this) 'I'm not trying to punish you, I am trying to save you!'  How often do we see trials and tribulations as difficulties, inconveniences, or punishments & consequences?  Yet so often they are opportunities for growth and learning- for saving ourselves in an eternal sense.  Even when faced with consequences of other's agency or simply of a mortal life (because God doesn't 'inflict' everything on us)- we are promised that, if we ask for it, all these things will be made good and for our experience.  That's such a wonderful promise and I know it to be true as I have experienced it many times in my life.  I have struggled and endured trial after trial, always seeking to see the lesson.  However, sometimes that isn't immediately clear.  Even so, I have found that when I faced with seemingly insurmountable difficulty or trial, if I take it before the Lord and ask him to turn it for good, then I am more able to turn my life over to Him- putting my will in His hands.  This has always had the best outcome.  Not only that, but it is the only way to overcome fear, for casting out fear can only occur with a welcoming of faith.

This past year has been filled with many trials of faith, but also much growth and change.  As I struggled with physical therapy for my brain injury, I couldn't see the point of it all.  I felt broken and helpless.  It was a big inconvenience that affected my ability to be a mother and caused, at least to me, additional stress for my kids and husband.  So often I asked why.  I received a priesthood blessing at some point that told me I would be healed in due time and blessed me with patience.  Those were not the words I wanted to hear.  I wanted to be healed right then and there and I had the faith that I could.  But that was not God's plan and I needed to put my trust in Him.  I thought he was 'inflicting' this on me to 'make' me learn something.  I understand now that He very lovingly saw a less painful opportunity to teach me and help me grow with lessons that would sustain me in the coming months and trials ahead.  As I turned my life to Him and asked Him for that blessing, I allowed that to happen.  He wasn't going to force a lesson on me or just 'use' me to teach someone else a lesson.  During the course of the physical therapy, I would feel like I was taking 3 steps forward and 2 steps back.  I would break down in the middle of a session, crying.  J was usually my therapist and was so wonderful.  He explained to me that my body had healed itself wrong (by compensating) and that in order for it to heal correctly it needed to first be broken down- much like a broken bone that heals on its own before first being put in the right place and has to be rebroken.  Therefore, things were most certainly going to get worse before they got better but I needed to trust him that they would get better and that he would show me how and be there to help me every step of the way.  Wow- can we cay parallel to life?!  So many times in the last year I have seen the truth of that from an eternal perspective and returned to that lesson for strength and comfort.  I also learned in a very physical way about how we need to push ourselves to do hard things we may not want to, but that going more than we are able does us more harm than good.  That was a hard lesson for me to learn, as I've always felt I just needed to be strong and push through things.  I thought that if I just pushed myself harder then I would heal faster (and be done with this trial/inconvenience faster).  I learned that the opposite was true and that if we trust in the one who knows what they are doing and trust in the timing of it all, believing all would be well in due time, then that would happen- and we wouldn't make ourselves sick in the meantime.

I have had to draw on these lessons time and time again over the last year as I have worked through and with the disclosure of being married to a pornography addict, the realization of my own addictions, and facing a chaotic past filled with turmoil and abuse- with the resolution to be the transitional generation.

Finding out about the extent of DH's addiction and the lies in our marriage led me to visit a counselor with the desire to not be a victim and to stop the trend in the family of women being victimized.  She led me to participate in an intensive recovery group called SOLE- Survivors of Life Experiences.  It was a group for women who'd survived trauma of many kinds, often abuse.  I didn't want to go initially.  I felt it didn't apply to me or that I wasn't 'that' bad.  But the Lord testified to me in more ways than one that this was where He wanted me and I would be blessed for going.  The SOLE experience was literally life-changing.  I learned how I had developed coping behaviors and thinking patterns as a means of getting through and surviving my life.  Having been used by so many others it was hard not to see God as doing the same to me.  Having a father who only seemed to love and approve of me when 'perfect', I felt like God loved me and yet had a checklist he was keeping that if I didn't' live up to, I didn't' have His full approval and love.  As I went through the program and prayed for humility, I felt more broken.  Much as my body needed to be broken to heal correctly, my soul no needed to be.  How grateful I was to have learned that lesson for it was easier to do so in that environment and gave me the strength and hope in the next.... For I truly felt more broken than ever!  The miraculous thing was that as I went through this experience I found that I was able to feel the love of my Heavenly Father.  To really feel it.  I had always known He loved me and had indeed felt His spirit and love- but this was a far more intense and personal experience.  It's like the veil has become a bit more thin when I choose it to be- and what a joyous feeling that is!  I'm sad that I since haven't done as well, been as consistent, at striving for that and allowing for that...but such is the struggle of mortality and each second of every day is a chance to start anew.  I feel like the Lord has testified to me many times this past year of His love for me.  He has validated my every feeling (never leaving me feeling guilty for having a negative one).  He has graced me with His presence, simply being at my side at times.  He has cheered me on and fought for me.  He has allowed me to experience the companionship, support, and encouragement of my mother life I've never known.  He has opened my eyes wide to all kinds of things- blessings, weaknesses, sins, graces, miracles, and lessons.  For those things I am so unbelievably grateful.  Living life with your eyes opened is like being in the temple when they turn more lights on- you don't realized how dim it has been until you suddenly have more light.

I went to the St. George temple a couple weeks ago for the first time.  The opportunity presented itself and I had tot take it.  I'd been feeling for some time a strong need to go to the temple (though not for any particular reason) and the Las Vegas one had been closed for cleaning.  No sooner did I walk in the door than I was overcome by a tremendous feeling of love, like I had never before experienced.  I was taken by surprise because I didn't feel like I'd been lacking that feeling and wondered what the purpose could be for Him choosing to fill me so greatly at that time.  I reasoned that it was because I was also feeling the love, joy, approval, and presence of my mom.  I was also planning to work through steps 4 and 5 of the ARP & PASG groups- where you make a searching and honest inventory of your life and then disclose it.  I thought "Heavenly Father already knows all these things about me- everything past and present, in the open or hidden by shame- yet He loves me this much, with this intensity."  That was a very powerful experience and very freeing.  I came to realize that it is His love (which is felt by faith) that dispels fear and grants power.  It really is love (in the form of experiencing God's love for us) that conquers all.  Not only that, but the Atonement happened because of love- Christ loved us all so much that He was willing to go through that for each and every one of us.  Wow.

So back to now.... Experiencing that intense feeling of love opened my eyes and softened my heart, allowing me to really feel again the depth and sincerity of my love for DH.  With all we've been through in the past year, that is a tremendous gift and one I had prayed for even when receiving validation that if I needed to leave that was okay, for I had done my part in my marriage.  But to feel those same intensity of feelings felt on our wedding day was truly a wonderful gift.

So I have this MRA today and I can't help feeling that my life is about to change in a very real way.  That all these lessons and experiences over the last year have been leading up to this.  And I'm grateful for that.  I'm grateful to have the experience of learning and growing line upon line and precept on precept.  I'm grateful to have learned the value of one step at a time and trusting in the Lord.  I see great love and care in all He has been with me through in the past few years.  I see His face smiling at me with nothing but love and acceptance, in spite of all my weaknesses and shortcomings.  I didn't always feel this way.  I no longer see Him as just allowing bad things to happen to me or as inflicting things upon me to teach me a lesson.  He loves me.  I got a priesthood blessing last night in preparation for today.  Really, it mostly said a lot of things I'd been praying for and I felt liek a lot of it was for DH's benefit as he was the one giving it.  I was told of the love people here on earth and in Heaven have for me.  I was told that those on the other side of the veil would be with me.  I was encouraged to draw on and remember these things- this love & the love of my Heavenly Father as I put my life in the Lord's hands (something I'd been praying for though not in quite so literally a sense).  I was encouraged not to be afraid and to trust God.  I was told that I'd had a difficult and hard life, having gone through so much already in such a short time.  I guess it was nice to have that validated.  I was blessed to be strong in body, mind and spirit.  I feel like something big is coming but that the Lord wants me to know He loves me very much and has given me and my family the tools necessary to get us through this.  I just will need to remember and draw on that regularly.  I guess that's why I felt the need to write all these things down.  It's easy to fear the unknown and to think of all the possible bad scenarios- particularly when you've experienced so much of that.  But the only way to overcome that is by trusting God, loving Him, and allowing yourself to feel His love for you.  He may only be concerned on an eternal and spiritual perspective (though I think He is concerned for the physical and temporal as well) but "I am saving you" is the thought I had and continue to have.  How and what that entails- well I guess that's up to him. ;)

whatevs.

I got on the scale this morning to find I'd gained a pound this week.  What a bummer.  But I'm going to tell myself it's just muscle because I do feel like my body is reshaping.  However, this continual bloating feeling I get after eating is no good.  I know I've made some bad food choices as a result as well.

a little personal.

I have noticed a real difference in my mood and attitude on the days I get up early and workout.  I think I need to make more of an effort to get up early and do some sort of light exercise on my days 'off'.

Yesterday was a big day for 'the situation'.  I put my foot down and spoke up regardless of what the outcome would be.  I knew that I needed to for my integrity.  I was proud of myself for standing up for myself and acknowledging my right to have a voice and to stand for the right.  I got angry and I yelled and, honestly, it felt good to feel those emotions and to express them without stuffing them.  The look on DH's face scared me.  It was one I hadn't seen before- just a look of contempt and hatred for me.  He hardly said a word more to me before going to bed, but I felt at peace with myself nonetheless.  He says today that he isn't mad at me anymore.  I don't need to have him tell me that I was right and he was wrong (though that certainly would be nice) and I can go on even if he were still mad.  I know that I did the right thing and it felt good to not back down for fear of confrontation for once- with the situation and with him.