finding joy.

There has been a lot of talk at church lately about finding joy in our journey and being happy with our lot in life. We had a nice RS thing about it this past week. I came home and thought about whether or not I was happy with my stage in life. I get comments from other moms who've been there that I am in the hardest stage and that is especially hard that I have so many so close together. But I also recently had an experience talking with a total stranger (another blog for that one) who has never been married or had kids and just had the reaction of 'oh, hold them and love on them every minute you can because it is gone so fast.'  They do! P gets her kindergarten shots this week. W is almost a first grader. I am almost out of the baby stage- K2 turns 1 in just 6 weeks. And you know what I realized? I am happy with my stage in life. Trust me...life is really hard right now. But these trials make us better. I have been humbled in many ways. I have had to make adjustments to my views and my attitude. I feel pulled in every way imaginable and burdened to the point of barely being able to stand. But I am happy. I know this life is just a moment and I am happy with the growth I have seen in DH and I. I know that God's hand is in all things. I have a testimony and that makes me happy. I have 4 beautiful children who bring and immense amount of joy and completeness to my life. I have a supportive and kind husband. I have been greatly blessed by people around me lately who have followed promptings and little nudgings they have received. They probably don't even realize that they have been my angels and answers to my prayers. While I may complain or gripe or moan or kick and fight it is because I have growing pains. Growth is hard and painful but it is good and I stand a little taller as a result. At least that's what I like to tell myself. =)

molasses.

From an article by Nettie H. Francis in the Desert Saints Magazine.

"Molasses--a gooey, sticky substance that pours very slowly, like honey. It was used in pioneer times to sweeten cookies and candy. I use it to make gingerbread at Christmas time But beyond that, it holds deeper meaning for me. Molasses describes motherhood. Or at least, I feel like I am moving in molasses whenever I try to accomplish anything as a mother, as if I am running and running and getting nowhere.

You know the picture. You wake up with a "to do" list for the day. All goes well until you get out of bed. Sometimes for me it seems that as soon as I get up, all of my children are awake! I try to hold them off momentarily while I take a quick shower, knowing it's my only chance. Then, like some superhuman, I make breakfast and get the oldest ones to school.Now my to-do list can begin. But, just as I close the front door, my toddler has to go to the bathroom. No biggie. We're almost there when she doesn't make it. So now I'm cleaning up the floor and getting dry clothes for her. Then my preschooler informs me, "Mama, the baby had a blow-out." Another bout with diapers, during which the phone rings and I balance it with one hand while opening the wipes with the other.

Now we're off to start the laundry, but before we get there, the phone rings again, and the mailman comes with a package to sign for, and my toddler needs a snack. Finally, I put the laundry in and check my list. But, before I reach item number two, somebody needs their jacket buttoned to go outside and play, and the baby is crying because she's hungry. You get the picture....

When my husband comes home at night, I tell him what I accomplished that day, "Um...I think I paid the phone bill." Unfortunately, it's difficult to describe how a mother can be busy--practically running--all day, and barely accomplish anything. And, as I crawl exhausted into bed, I know that in a few short hours I will wake up to another, similar, seemingly fruitless mother hood molasses scene.On my mission I often had days when I felt I was accomplishing nothing, in other words, "running in molasses." Later however, I looked back and found I had actually been the most successful on those days. My feeling of uselessness was just a tool from Satan to discourage me. Motherhood is the same, and on the days when we feel ineffective, we are really accomplishing great purposes: loving, giving service, teaching and more. However, if we don't have some eternal view of our destination, it can be easy to sink into despair."

note to self.

"Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers but for powers equal to your tasks. Then the doing of the work shall be no miracle, but YOU shall be the miracle."

That's what came to me and I'm pretty sure it was from a plaque given to me back in YW. But where's the quote from?

jan 19.

Aww... .I did so well for so long.  I've had a hard time getting myself to go to bed lately so I either fall asleep on the couch or am wiped out when I finally climb in bed.  Don't really know what my deal is.

jan 14.

-.8 today and -5.0 total
My goal for today is to stick to my diet!

jan 12.

+.4 today.  -5.8 total
Ugh!  Need to do better!  I need to redo my hcg mixture so I wasn't planning to stick to the diet today.  Maybe if I just at least eat wll.  DH and P have an appointment today with an immunologist.  Hopefully we can finally get them some answers.

....ummm.... made cookies with P today.... ate a little way more than my share.  The scale is going to hurt tomorrow.

jan 11.

188   -6.2 total
Forgot to write yesterday.  Fell asleep on the couch last night so I was pretty out of it when I went to bed.  Blew the diet yet again.  Will do it again today.
Trying to decide whether to take W in to the dr.  He has a ton of little blood vessels on his face and around his eyes from coughing so hard.  It's so sad.
Had a dream last night about my mom.  I was so into it I guess that it took me a while to remember that she's not alive.  Usually those dreams leave me feeling all weird and in a really bad mood the next day, but this one was actually different.  I can't seem to decide how I feel.  I can't even remember exactly what it was about.

week 1 on hcg.

188.8.  Overall loss of about 5 lbs in week 1

Well, life obviously got busy and I've been up late and too tired to write when I go to bed.  I've gotten a lot done and I've even mopped.  I hate mopping so that's a big deal.  I had a rough day yesterday and went to bed mad and depressed and wound up not sleeping well.  My arm was killing me from mopping.  I woke up with a headache because I realized that I had never taken my second dose of hcg (on a day when I actually stuck to the diet), which is like half of my calories and nutrition for the day.

jan 7.

191.0.  -3.2 overall
I am tired.  Had a productive day.  Even mopped the whole house.  But I am tired and don't really feel like writing so goodnight.

jan 6.

192.2
This is me writing a sentence because I said I would.  The end.